If you encountered the psychotic meat-eating
embodiments of childhood fear known as Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet while out in the woods with your
friends, what would you do? Maria and her gaggle of girlfriends just wanted
to head out to the 100 Acre Wood to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday city
life, where they don’t have to worry about stalkers, exes, or the lingering trauma of
either. Instead, they pick a vacation spot where people
routinely disappear and mutilated bodies are found with alarming regularity. Do they take any precautions? Of course not. I’m going to break down the mistakes made,
what you should do, and how to beat the 100 ACRE GANG in WINNIE-THE-POOH BLOOD AND HONEY. Our twisted fairy tale begins with a narrated
animation. While wandering in the 100 Acre Wood, the
boy called Christopher Robin came across hybrid abominations that called themselves Owl, Rabbit,
Eyore, Piglet, and Winnie the Pooh. Christopher Robin fed them, accidentally forcing
them to become dependent on him, and when he grew up and left to become a doctor…they
starved. When the worst of winter came and hunger gnawed
at their bones, they betrayed Eyore, killing him and consuming his flesh. Now feral with madness, they swore never to
speak human language again and turned their hatred toward Christopher Robin…and the
rest of humanity for abandoning them. That is hardcore. But seriously, which one of you overall wearing
midnight barn creep screwed these monstrosities into being? It definitely wasn’t me… Chris should have known leaving them behind
for college would require at least the same amount of preparation and forethought as leaving
a cat behind to go on vacation – in this era of amazon one day shipping, he could at
least have sent a supply drop or two to tide them over through the harsh winter. If Chris didn’t care enough to do that,
then why come back at all? But seriously, get your crap together Pooh. Chris was a kid too for freak’s sake. Where were all your beastly parents this whole
time? I don’t see you taking out your wrath on
bears, rabbits, owls, donkeys and pigs. Years later, grown up Christopher Robin brings
his fiancée Mary to visit the 100 Acre Wood. He wants her to meet the loveable creatures
he called friends when he was a kid, but he’s disappointed when she uses her kindergarten
voice to reassure him that she still loves his imagination, even though he probably made
Winnie and the gang up. All that healthy love and support ain’t
enough for Christopher. He guides her deeper and deeper into the forest. When he hears the hoot of an owl he rushes
headlong into an ominous tunnel Famous last words. There’s blood on the honey pots and glass
everywhere, dude. I know my friends, but I don’t barge into
their homes after going years without talking expecting them to welcome me with open arms. Did you think to write first? Maybe send a gift basket and warn them that
you were coming? Whenever you’re visiting wild animals you
used to share some sort of mind meld with, it’s always a good idea to tuck a 10mm glock
in your backpack, just in case they forgot who daddy was, or ya know, are mad that daddy
left all those years ago. Despite Mary’s rising discomfort AND the
still smoking campfire that suggests someone is nearby, Chris breaks into Pooh’s treehouse. They discover a picture of Chris with his
face scratched out. Heavy footsteps send them into hiding as the
nightmare known as Pooh lays down for a nap. Pooh seems a bit more…serial killer-y than
I remember. Instead of stealth crouching out the door
immediately and hiring a group of mercenary hunters to eliminate nature’s abominations,
they hide until well past nightfall. The trailer park by day has become the trailer
park by night, a terrifying lost boys camp full of dead animal skulls and bunker supplies. Despite being scared enough to hide under
a bed for hours, they fail their stealth mission immediately. It’s like they’re TRYING to stand directly
in bright spotlights and yell at each other from three feet away. Animal sounds surround them and Mary alerts
the entire camp to their presence before Piglet wraps a length of heavy chain around her throat
and begins to crush it from behind. Chris goes for Piglet, but gets tossed aside
like toy. Can you do something, Chris? Can you help, bro? Instead of delivering a fast kick to Piglet’s
knee or balls from behind, or even just jumping on Piglet’s back and gouging out his eyes
while his hands are busy, Chris watches Piglet half decapitate Mary and learns a valuable
lesson – never meet your childhood heroes. Chris runs for the tree tunnel to sob like
the useless little twerp he is. Great idea running back into Pooh’s home
where it’s close quarters with lots of dead ends. It’s not like there's a perfectly open forest
that leads to safety or anything. Pooh and Piglet are fat as fudge now, shouldn’t
be hard for a skinny dude such as yourself to outrun them. Pooh and Piglet corner him and in the bleakest
cartoon since Salad Fingers, we see what happened to poor old Christopher Robin. Pooh and Piglet show him the cannibalized
corpse of Eeyore before they burn Chris alive. Turns out everything up to this point was
just the prologue to Pooh’s vendetta against humanity. Through voice over during the credits, we
learn that what seems like dozens of people have gone missing in the 100 Acre Woods recently. Mutilated bodies are piling up, and tabloids
are reporting sightings of Pooh’s crew on the daily. So, is anybody handling this? Or have Pooh and his friends become the bigfoots
of England? The entire United Kingdom is smaller than
the state of Oregon. Someone IS investigating these disappearances,
yes? Christopher Robin may have been a socially
starved man child, but he DID have a family, right? So did Mary? I guess we’ll never know. We cut to Maria, a college student with the
worst luck in the world…after Chris and Mary. She’s been struggling recently in her life
after narrowly surviving a stalker attack a few months ago. No matter what she does or where she goes,
she’s still reliving the fear. In crowds. Walking alone. Noises jack up her heart rate and phantom
sightings out of the corner of her eye leave her paranoid. Apparently, the stalker was never caught…so
it makes total sense to worry that he’s still out there lurking in the shadows. Her therapist suggests a holiday away to somewhere
safe, isolated and quiet where she can clear her head…hmmm, I wonder where she’s going
to go. Certainly NOT that very famous forest where
people are getting shanked on the regular. Maria and her pals head out on the open road. The 100 Acre Wood has had a haircut; loggers
have hacked their way through large swathes of it, but not enough to fully expose the
darkness lurking within… …which is a little odd considering 100 acres
is only .156th of a square mile, meaning average healthy adults could walk through this wood
in 5 minutes. At the English version of that gas station
from Cabin in the Woods, Maria stops for a refill. Sure, the pumps don’t work and the windows
are broken and covered in weird magazine clippings, but let’s take a wander inside. What’s the worst that could happen to a
girl with heightened adrenaline and a history of freaking out when men sneak up on her? Turns out, the garage isn’t as deserted
as it seems… I swear to god, everyone in this movie has
THE MOST theatrical timing. She woke this dude from pile of old rags. Maria and her crew of city girls – Jessica,
Alice, Zoe, and Lara – arrive at their gothic AirBnb. Charming. The staircase gives it a “fourth floor walkup”
kind of vibe. They waste no time making themselves at home. Did…did she BRING a pink light with her
on vacation? Or did the hosts of this house install an
Amsterdam red light in this room? I will say this, the filmmaker sure knows
their audience. Jessica forces everyone to fork over their
phones so they can disconnect for the weekend…which would make sense anywhere WITHOUT a recent
history of disappearances and murders. Hmm. Could there be something else they’re forgetting? Oh right, there’s a sixth friend, Tina,
that couldn’t wake up in time to jump in a car built for five people. Well, hope she knows where she’s going—
Tina ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. She is STUPID lost…the kind of lost where
you abandon your working car on a road with perfectly fine cell reception to wander into
the woods. The Blood Bear is waiting for her. She drops her phone and does her best 80s
horror bimbo impression – it’s a chef’s kiss, a perfect 5/7. She slides under a broken garage door and
hides behind a woodchipper instead of reaching for literally any of the many heavy objects
within arm’s reach to defend herself with. Despite being the size of The Mountain, Pooh’s
apparently been working on his stealth game. His teleporting ninja butt silently slips
past the broken garage door, sneaks up on Tina, and bludgeons her repeatedly before
feeding her headfirst into the woodchipper. Do you think he’s gonna feed that slop to
Piglet? Waste not, want not. Back at the Addams Family AirBnB, Lara steals
her phone back and Maria forces her friends into a group session to tell us more about
her stalker situation. She says she could spidey sense him in her
life, watching from the shadows, until one night he broke into her house and assaulted
her. Despite catching him and calling the cops,
he was never caught. I hope her spider tingle still works. In the Lost Boys camp from torture, Piglet
cycles to jumpstart the generator. Pooh toys with… Record scratch
WAIT, Christopher Robin is STILL ALIVE?! THE BETRAYAL! It’s like you can’t even trust hyper violent
animated fanfiction anymore! Christopher begs Pooh to stop and apologizes
for abandoning him. The big guy’s almost bowled over with golden
flashbacks of Christopher at a cherubic child…A honey thick tear streaks for his eye. For a moment, it seems like he might just
let Christopher go. Nah, I’m just messing with you. Pooh uses Eyore’s tail to lash Christopher’s
back to pieces. He props up Mary’s cannibalized skeleton
to watch and pipes blood through a showerhead over Christopher. God dang. A little later, Pooh is busy dragging Mary’s
corpse around the woods like a ragdoll – as you do – when he hears Lara’s house music. A totally spontaneous, not at all gratuitous
selfie session is taking place in the jacuzzi…but it’s only when Lara goes to review her photos
that she sees HIM behind her. The image of Pooh in that shot is CRYSTAL
clear. Dude isn’t even smudged or blurry. This isn’t like taking a photo of dirty
clothes piled on a chair in the dark and mistaking it for a demon; there is nothing nearby that
you could misinterpret as anything like a 6-foot-tall peeping chimera in overalls. Lara calls out into the darkness, accusing
whatever she saw of being Maria’s stalker…but even if it is…how would that be any better? It’s time to head inside, alert our friends,
call England’s emergency number 999, call whatever detective was assigned to Maria’s
stalker case back in the day, lock all the doors, and prepare to go home. Now WE know it’s the honey guzzler himself
on the prowl, so simple stalker protocol won’t cut it, but those are also good first steps
in dealing with the actual menace on their doorstep. If Lara had come inside and warned her friends,
they could have secured the house, and possibly a room close to their car with a single small
window where they could hole up in an emergency, fight together if need be, and then escape
if they must. Unfortunately, Lara wasn’t blessed much
in the way of common sense. After a quick holler and making sure to turn
on the atmospheric strobe light, she dips back into
the tub. Meanwhile, Pooh and Piglet converge on her
in the background. Lara wakes in the driveway, bound and gagged. Somehow Pooh and Piglet apparated Maria’s
car keys into their possession. Pooh drives forward and crushes Lara’s head
with the tire. Maria and Jessica hear Lara’s screams and
arrive to find her headless body, blood still pumping from the root. Despite the front door of their AirBnB standing
COMPLETELY open, they rush inside and find Alice and Zoe and some personalized graffiti
waiting for them. You could have just said so.. Jesus, no need to do a burnout on our friends
face. Sherlock Holmes, everybody. Zoe tells them they have to stick together
and find a weapon before glass shatters upstairs. Outside, Pooh wanders by with a machete…and
his own personal air force, a swarm of bees that obey his every command. The lights inside shut off and… So much for sticking together. Panic makes us do desperate things. I don’t blame this group for being confused,
uncertain and unprepared for any of this. They don’t know this house, or this legend
of the 100 Acre gang. And they have no way of knowing how many of
them are outside. I’d suggest running as a group, but you
know they’d be breaking their ankles on every tree root in this forest. The first step here should be to move together
to the kitchen and gather weapons. Knives can level the playing field against
stronger attackers. A weak punch won’t do much to Pooh, but
a weak jab with a sharp blade to the throat will kill. It ain’t much, but it’s better than nothing
if you’re cornered. With those in hand, move as a group up the
stairs to a bedroom with a single window, one they can lock and then barricade. As far as we know they have perfectly fine
cell reception out here, so they should be on their phones to police within seconds of
barricading the door. Whoever the intruders are, they murdered Lara
in cold blood, so there is no reasoning with them, no assuming the best. Ideally, it would be great to hide until the
cavalry arrives. If the intruders reach the barricaded door,
the next step is to have someone with a long knife lay down and see if they can stab it
into the intruder’s foot through the bottom crack of the door. Maintain that barricade at all costs. Make sure that if they get inside, it’s
because they Jack Torranced themselves through that hardwood first. If they do, that gives you good murder hole
to take out an eye or better if they peer inside. NEVER let yourself get within grabbing reach. Force THEM to reach in for the doorknob on
your side. Then blood let them. If they come to the window by crawling on
the roof, be prepared to charge them when they’re most vulnerable, about to climb
inside. Zoe and Alice bolt off to find weapons in
the kitchen while Maria freezes in the hallway. She thinks this must be the work of her stalker. Zoe and Alice return with…a hammer and what
looks like a garden tool…from the kitchen…okay. Thanks for bringing back some weapons for
the rest of us guys! Zoe remembers Lara went to the pool and probably
left the back door wide open. She and Alice run off to secure it and Maria
suddenly realizes she brought a gun with her for the weekend. How was this not the first thing you thought
to pull out? I just hope this isn’t the first time you’ve
shot it. When they return to the hall, Pooh has gained
access to the house. He stalks from room to room looking for them. Um, he can hear you. He’s ten feet away and has the ears of a
predator. Jesus, she’s like that annoying person in
a movie theater commentating the whole time, except this time someone’s trying to kill
you. It’s a shame Maria clearly went to zero
firing ranges with that gun. One good shot to the head would probably lay
Pooh out, but I’m betting she’s never pulled a trigger in her life. Zoe and Alice find the pool room…where they
tiptoe all of four feet before Piglet suddenly ambushes them through an open side window. Piglet backhands Alice to the deck as Zoe
falls in the pool. Piglet staggers toward Alice as if to finish
her off...while Zoe delivers commentary from the water. It’s at this point you can really see the
budget on screen. Holy crap, stop trying to run in water. It’s called swimming and it’s a heck-uva
lot faster. Zoe. It doesn’t matter how deep it is, the pool
is all of five feet wide. Looks like we got another Christopher Robin
on our hands. And to think had anyone just waltzed up to
Pooh, put the gun barrel center mass from 5 feet away, they could have ended this nightmare
pretty immediately. No, no, just watch as the hillpiggie caves
your girlfriend’s head in with a mallet. Apparently, Piglet’s got a kink. Instead of going after the easy kill laying
at his feet, he starts throwing his murder chain at the pool like he’s afraid Zoe might
drown in it. And Zoe, what the freak are you doing? Why the heck are you dunking yourself instead
of getting out and smashing one of the literal DOZENS of windows behind you to escape? Dear God, these characters were written so
stupid. Piglet drops the chain and goes for the mallet. Then he – laughs – GETS IN THE WATER to
chase Zoe. I cannot make this crap up. I’m sure the director had a bigger pool
in mind, but…you gotta adapt your scene to fit your resources, bro. This crap looks ridiculous. Zoe. You’re in a room made of glass. Zoe. Zoe! Look in any direction; you are surrounded
by exits. GET OUT OF THE POOL AND KOOL-AID MAN OUTTA
HERE. Are you at least going to get out when you
reach the edge of the pool? *Smash* SO stupid. Hey Alice, you…you gonna get up while his
back is turned? You gonna try running or something while he
slow-butt drags himself through the water toward you? Nope, Alice just gives up and lays down. A real Ellen Ripley. These monsters HAVE a weakness – their speed. If you can outrun them, there’s no way they’re
keeping up. Stopping, hiding and trying to fight them
is only going to get you a blood shower and a spot in their atkins diet of human flesh. Alice should have her weird thick garden dagger
in her hand underneath her when he comes for her. If she’s unlucky and he turns her over and
sees the dagger. While he’s struggling, take his mallet and
give him the old Annie Wilkes Special. If she’s lucky and he swings her over his
shoulder without turning her first, she should plunge the tool into the back of his neck
so it has the highest chance of severing his spine and incapacitating him long enough to
land a killing blow. There is literally no benefit to be had from
letting him take you to a secondary location; she has everything she needs right here to
turn this little Piggie into ground pork. Maria and Jessica arrive just in time to see
Pooh carrying Alice’s unconscious body into the woods. They follow the abominations back to their
fort, but hesitate to shoot in case they hurt Alice. Yeah no. Alice is for sure already hurt beyond repair…at
least mentally. (Alice wakes up moaning) Pro tip, when you
wake up after getting knocked out by an attacker, don’t alert them that you’re not awake
and ready to be tortured by immediately loudly struggling and crying. Oh god it’s like xenomorph drool, at least
it’s not corrosive. The other girls have screwed off to who knows
where, giving Pooh ample time to slap the crap out of Alice as we fade to black. When we return, Maria and Jess have materialized
from nowhere to free Alice. Pooh’s hearing is so good that a few minutes
ago, he snapped to attention when a single drop of spit fell two inches from Alice’s
mouth to the deck, but sure…he can’t hear your boots and VERY LOUD idle chatter now. One of you needs to turn around with that
gun in your hand to watch for teleporting childhood nightmares while you untie Alice. They’re halfway to the tree tunnel when
a screech rings out through the camp. It stops them cold in their tracks. Maria makes the split second decision that
they can’t leave someone else to suffer if they’re trapped here…pause…Jeremy
Goldberg once said “Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. That's why life is hard.” I can applaud Maria’s naïve bravery here
– it’s her entire character arc. She’s refusing to let the fear chasing her
dictate her actions in the future. That’s a good thing – a great thing – IF
you survive long enough to make it to your next therapy session. Stuff gets complicated when you’re not just
risking your own life, but your friends’ lives too. Then, bravery’s a group decision, Maria. Both Jess and Alice want to get the heck out
of the 100 Acre Wood, and who can blame them? You’ve got A gun between you…and none
of you know how to shoot the dang thing. Heck, you were catatonic not 15 minutes ago,
Maria. That doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. That’s rich. I’m sure you’d have been understanding
if your friends said the same thing and left while you were tied up earlier, right Alice. Maria very slowly tiptoes up to Christopher
Robin’s body where it’s hanging from a rafter. Why are we strolling? They cut Christopher Robin down as another
woman calls out for help. Chris tells them he can fend for himself and
the girls run off to save the next distraction. Nearby, they find a woman battered and chained,
her neck in a noose. She begs for help. Instead, they sit down for a heart to heart
over crumpets and tea. How about who cares, Jess? How about we unleash and unchain the captive,
get in the car, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint and chat about homicidal
manbearpigs in the safety of a crowded pub acres and acres away from the 100 Acre Wood? YOU HAVE EYES MARIA, you can see what they’ve
done to her. Do you need any more incentive to get the
heck out of here any quicker? They finally unshackle her from chains which
she easily should have been able to slip herself.. Just look how loose they are.. but just a
few seconds later, she catches a glimpse of herself in a mirror and begins to scream. She grabs Maria’s gun, threatening revenge. Great - now a weak, half blind, mentally unstable
victim stole your gun and is drawing your tormentors to your location. She calls out to Piglet without checking the
gun first. She fires wildly for no particular reason
before Piglet appears wrapped in chains and screeches at her. Instead of firing again, she decides to monologue
instead. how about you shoot. Shoot him. Now. Why the freak are you monologuing? Just kill him already. oh no, who didn’t see that coming? But seriously - ONE bullet?! Maria, you brought ONE bullet to protect you
from your stalker? And nobody bothered to check if there was
ammo in the gun? Oh my freaking god.. She backs up…right into Pooh. Piglet comes around and crushes her neck with
his favorite toy. The girls haven’t spoken for several minutes,
so they pick this moment to fill their quota, alerting the 100 Acre Gang to their presence. Pooh gives chase. Maria and Jess run away but Alice is too slow. She hides instead, finding Piglet’s mallet
sitting within reach. When Piglet comes too close, Alice lands a
solid blow to his face, knocking him out of frame. You’re going to triple tap him now, right? RIGHT?! This is a golden opportunity to finish him
off and help your friends. Pooh catches up to Maria and Jess in the tree
tunnel. Despite having the entire camp set up with
electricity and building this tunnel out of super dry wood…it only makes sense that
the tunnel is lit by torch fire. Maria uses it to keep Pooh at bay for about
four seconds. God dang it. While the girls run blindly through the darkened
forest, Alice is embracing her inner Piglet back at the camp. With Piglet tied in his own chains, Alice
taunts him that he’s not going anywhere. Then, she gives him three hard whacks with
the mallet, finishing him off with an overhead slam. Finally, someone’s acting in their own best
interest…but let’s be real here too, she ain’t strong enough to drag piglet around,
prop him up, and chain him. Should’ve just hammer timed his head in
and bounced. Or better yet, if you’re heck bent on tying
him up, used piglet as bait and ambushed pooh when he cames back. Now run, Alice. There’s still an apex predator out there
hunting your friends. Gloat when you’re home. Why aren’t you paying attention—
nevermind. And you were doing so well. A real shame. Since they never had any survival instincts
to begin with, Maria and Jess stumble upon the scene and scream, once again drawing Pooh’s
attention back to his murderous hunt for their heads. Jess remembers her British etiquette and pauses
long enough for Pooh to catch up to them. So polite of her. They find a road and flag down a passing truck. Four drunk guys tumble out, mistaking the
girls for messed up lunatics when they start rambling about being chased by Winnie the
Pooh. Suddenly, one guy notices something yellow
standing on the road ahead of them. It’s the yellow legend himself. The girls jump in the truck while the guys
gear up for a West Side Story street fight. Despite the girls screaming bloody murder
that he’s dangerous and they should just leave, they surround and bully him instead. It’s at this point when you either pull
a gun or run. Each armed with their favorite post apocalyptic
weapon of choice, the men land blow after blow. Pooh takes them like a champ until the last
of the men shatters a bottle over his head. God dang! Dude’s pimp hand is STRONG. Sliced that guy’s face clean off! Bottle guy rushes for the truck, exposing
his mangled flesh to Maria and Jess. How ‘bout we leave. Pooh takes off the second guy’s hand with
a single swipe, then pops his head like a pimple. Another pimp-slap slices the ringleader’s
neck clean through. The last guy flees, but Pooh’s air force
of killer bees is on him before he reaches the corner. Pooh lumbers toward the truck. For freak’s sake, Maria. The keys were IN the ignition the whole time?! You should be LONG gone by now. Instead of speeding around him, Maria risks
the truck stalling or high centering and speeds headlong into and over Pooh. Only a few seconds later, Pooh appears on
the bumper. He climbs into the truck bed and onto the
truck. Finally, Maria thinks to slam on the brakes…
…sigh… …but somehow, despite not hitting a dang
thing, Maria’s maneuver ends with her slamming her head into the wheel and Pooh coherent
enough to yank Jess from the truck and decapitate her while Maria’s still disoriented. Riiiiiiight. It’s Maria’s turn next. Pooh hauls her from the truck and prepares
to land the killing blow, right before she’s rescued via deux ex machina by Christopher
Robin. Has ANYONE heard of seatbelts? Rule number one when committing vehicular
manslaughter: wear seatbelts. Now you chop off his head to make sure he
stays dead. Don’t pansy out now, Chris. Pick up Pooh’s knife and—(he goes for
Maria instead)—sigh. oh no, who didn’t see that coming. Don’t run you fools! CHOP OFF HIS HEAD WHILE HE’S STILL TRAPPED! Dang, dude gives Michael Myers a run for his
money. Pooh takes hold of Maria again and Christopher
Robin makes a final plea for Maria’s life. He begs Pooh to take him instead and let her
live. But Pooh’s got other axes to grind. He growls out a raspy “You live” and slices
through Maria’s throat. Chris mourns her death and runs off into the
night as Pooh finishes Maria off for good and lives to tell Owl and Rabbit all about
the humans responsible for Piglet’s death. Pooh may be strong and disturbing, but he’s
still made of flesh. Piglet’s death proves they CAN be killed,
especially if you keep a cool head, ambush them, and remember to decapitate them for
good measure. Pooh got lucky this time – if he sticks
to hunting the dumbest human beings in the 100 Acre Wood, his blood lust will go fully
satisfied. But he’s toast the first time anyone with
half a brain and working backbone shows up to take him down. For those reasons, I think the 100 ACRE GANG
from WINNIE-THE-POOH Blood and Honey was Beaten. And remember… don’t f*** animals.
