If a depraved lunatic with a garbage bag full
of improvised weapons was bent on wasting you in some of the most comically gruesome
ways imaginable, what would you do?
Art has a sick sense of humor. The way he sees
it, it’s only funny if someone gets hurt…badly. And that’s really bad news for our protagonists,
who just so happen to find themselves trapped with this weirdo. If they want to escape, oof, well God
help them, cuz this guy does not screw around when it comes to physical comedy. All I can say is
that I hope we can figure something out in time to prevent the sequel from happening, because
if you’ve seen my video on that one, you know just how profoundly messed up it is.
I’m going to break down the mistakes made, what you should do, and how to beat
the KILLER CLOWN in TERRIFIER.
Dawn and Tara are intoxicated, too intoxicated to
drive as it turns out. And since neither of them apparently considered the possibility that they
might both get totally snockered at a Halloween Party, they’re left stranded in the middle
of town with no way of getting home.
Yeah, apparently UBER and LYFT aren’t a thing
around here, and neither are taxis, or maybe they’re just broke. Still, that’s no excuse for
failing to plan ahead like this. For real, though, who drives to a party knowing you’re going to
get effed up? Stupid people, that’s who. In fact, both Dawn and Tara are currently in violation
of all three of John Corea’s rules of stupid: don’t go stupid places at stupid times with
stupid people wearing stupid outfits. Okay, that last one was my own addition, but I
definitely feel like it’s important.
Like, I get that for some the whole point
of Halloween is to leave as little to the imagination as possible, but dressed like they
are, they barely have enough room for important items like phones and car keys, let alone proper
self-defense tools. Although it’s still not out of the question. They could still squirrel away
a POM clip and Modlite OKW using a thigh holster like this one from Bulldog Cases. It comes with
garter straps to keep it in place, as well as little pink bows to ensure you don’t have to
choose between staying safe and looking fine. After all, you never know who you might run into
stumbling around in the middle of the night.
Yeesh. If only she knew just how profoundly
effed up things were about to get.
Of course, as far as they know, Art’s just
some dude in a costume like everyone else, but never forget, holiday’s are holidays for
scumbags too, and god knows spooky season is the perfect time to walk around spattered in the
still-warm drippings of your recent victims.
Fortunately, the clown-prince of chaos doesn’t
stick around, but we all know he’ll be back, and it’ll be horrible. For now, Tara decides she
just needs to eat some greasy, sad, food and then she’ll be good to drive, cuz, ya know, that’s
how alcohol works. Snarky commentary aside, I should probably take this moment to
inform all you party people that that is, in fact, not how alcohol works.
Eating food will not, repeat, will not sober you up. Best you can hope for is that it
slows the rate at which any booze still sloshing around inside your stomach is absorbed by the
blood stream, but if you’re already wasted, the only cure is time. On average, your body can
process and eliminate about one standard drink per hour, and given their current state of stumbling,
giggling, cat pawing, and shouting at strangers, I’d say they’re both a good eight
hours over the legal limit.
The only thing they should be doing right now is
going through their phones and pestering everyone they know for a ride home, especially since both
their batteries are about to die. Don’t have any friends, try the non-emergency number for local
law enforcement. Sure, they’ll probably just tell you tough crap, but I’ve heard of some
jurisdiction’s giving drunk people rides when they have no other option. Either way it’s
always better to take a zombie walk back to your car in the morning than wrapping it around a
telephone pole in the middle of the night, and we can always stop at TBell on our way back.
At any rate, the ladies head over to a nearby pizzeria to put their half-baked plan into
action, when who should walk in but none other than everyone’s favorite degenerate hobo
clown, although judging by that look on his face, he’s not looking for a slice of pizza.
Mmmm, no, thank you. It’s time to get rid of this guy.
I’m sure both Dawn and Tara are probably used to weirdos staring at them, but, I mean
come on, just look at this freakshow. Right now, if I were in their shoes, I’d go up to the red
shirt guy at the counter and tell him this dude is following us. Judging by his northeastern
accent and overall tough guy demeanor, I’m sure it won’t take much to get him all up in
the creepy clown’s face, he might even threaten to “bust his freakin head in,” or “show him
how they do it in the old country.”
And yeah, I get he hasn’t done anything
to us, yet, YEEEEET. But there’s no law against being creeped out. Sorry, dude,
you’re just too good at Halloween. Maybe next year don’t be such a tryhard.
Ultimately, Art’s freak factor is high enough for the pizzeria owner to piece it together
on his own, but not before Dawn recklessly egg’s their admirer on by plopping down on his lap
for a few selfies to prove that he’s harmless, except that obviously doesn’t prove jack.
Maybe. You know literally nothing about this guy, and way too much freaked up crap goes on in
the world to assume everyone you run into doesn’t want to eat your eyes for jujubes.
Now, obviously, we know that it probably would matter whether they acknowledge him or not. Art
is evil incarnate, and as such it doesn’t take much for him to decide he wants you dead. But if
you seriously believe someone is stalking you, engaging with them in any way will only serve
to encourage them 99.9% of the time. That said, snapping a discreet photo of someone
who sketches you out is never a bad idea in case they become a problem later on.
Just remember to turn the flash off.
As for what to do next, I wouldn’t be taking my
‘za to go like Tara suggests as the last thing I’d want to do is go back into the dark empty streets
where that nutjob can follow us. However, the moment we saw Art walk into the bathroom, I’d get
up and book it out of the restaurant as quickly as possible. All we have to do is break line of sight
and there’s pretty much no chance he’ll be able to find us as long as we keep moving. From there,
I’d try to find another nearby restaurant or bar to hide in while we wait for a ride, preferably
one with lots of people. Drunk or not, it’s still better than walking around by ourselves.
Of course, once the pizza man throws him out on his arse, we’d better get comfortable in this
booth, because this is where we live until we can get someone to come pick us up. Preferably in a
BTR. Seriously, dude could be anywhere right now, including right around the nearest corner waiting
to bash our brains in with a crowbar, so I’m staying right here where I know he is not.
Still, if for whatever reason we just had to leave, maybe the place burns to the ground
or something, I definitely wouldn’t go back to Dawn’s car, because we all know that he
knows exactly where it is. And sure enough, the girls return to the vehicle to find
one of the tires totally flat. Problem is, Dawn so behind on maintenance that she assumes it
probably went flat on its own, and since the spare is already in use, they’re pretty much SOL.
And speaking of SOL, the pizza guys are currently wrist deep in it cleaning up the special surprise
Art left in their bathroom, although it definitely seems like only one of them is doing all the
work. Probably has something to do with the owner’s severed head lying on the counter.
Yeah, for everyone out there not watching this on Patreon, that big blurry blob on screen right now
is a man’s head carved up like a jack-o-lantern, candles and all. Huh, look at that, he even cut
the smile in. Gotta admire someone who takes pride in their craft. Unless, you’re this guy
that is. He’s probably pretty terrified.
Smart move trying to GTFO upon making this
discovery. Unfortunately, this place is a total fire hazard, and with nowhere left to
run, the only option is to load up with as much pizza-related weaponry as possible and go out
swinging. After all, if you can’t get out of a fight, you’ll have to get into one. But instead of
doing literally anything to protect himself from the as yet unseen psychopath chopping people’s
heads off, our guy decides to go for the ringing telephone as if whoever’s on the other side could
possibly doing anything to help him. And sure enough, he winds up getting disconnected.
Ouch.
Yeah, cue the happy koala footage while
Art goes to work on this fool. Sadly, it’s nothing nearly as inspired as what he did
to the other guy. He just stabs him in the face a whole bunch. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed
here. Fans of the channel will know what the beloved murder mime is capable of, and in this
case he’s just going full OJ on the guy. Oh, well, maybe he’s just getting warmed up. Still plenty
of mayhem left to be had at this point.
Getting back to Tara and Dawn, it seems the
discovery of the flat tire inspired them to finally use their brains for a change
and call in a ride from Tara’s sister, Victoria. All that’s left to do now is sit tight
and wait for help to arrive, but you already know it couldn’t possibly be that easy.
Not even thirty seconds in, nature comes calling for Tara, and since she can’t bare
the thought of dripping dry in the street like her carefree friend, she decides to go up
and ask the creepy dude in the creepy jumpsuit outside the creepy old building if she can
use his bathroom. Meanwhile, Dawn flips on the radio just in time to catch a news broadcast
reporting a brutal double homicide at the nearby pizzeria. According to witnesses, a man dressed
in a black and white clown costume was spotted fleeing the scene carrying a garbage bag. Hmmm,
now why does that sound familiar?
Ya sure about that?
Guess it’s a good thing Dawn was able to snag a few pics of that bozo back at the restaurant,
although looking back, she’s probably not feeling super great about how she went about it.
Whatever the case, the cops will definitely want to see them, so I’d be sure to call dispatch and
have them send a couple cars our way, if nothing else but to have a few armed police officers
around while we wait on Tara’s sister.
Unfortunately, Dawn will never get the chance
because like so many others she forgot about one of the most commonly overlooked and underrated
safety features found on any modern vehicle, the freaking door locks. Seriously, I can’t
be the only person who locks the dang doors the second I get in my car, can I, ‘cause
it certainly feels that way sometimes. Sure, call me paranoid all you want. We’ll see who’s
laughing when this happens to you some day.
I’m thinking he might.
As for Tara, she quickly concludes her business inside only to wind up getting
sidetracked following the anguished cries of some stupid cat that’s probably going to die
anyway. Yeah, way to leave your friend hanging out alone in her car on a deserted street where some
weirdo started following you around. Of course, she has no way of knowing Dawn just got
got a second ago, but I’m sure the thought probably crosses her mind once she runs into
you-know-who back by the building’s entrance.
This is why you don’t go wandering around vacant
buildings in the middle of the night. I honestly can’t even believe I have to say that. Last thing
anyone needs to wind up getting trapped somewhere where no one can hear you scream, and with no
weapons, no phone, and no idea how to get out, the only thing she can do right now is
try to find a hiding place in hopes her not-so-secret admirer gets bored and goes
looking for someone else to splatter.
The key thing to remember here is that we’ll want
to find a spot that gives us room to maneuver should the need arise, so we’ll want to avoid
crawling underneath or inside one of the junk cars to keep from being cornered. Thankfully,
Tara doesn’t make this mistake while laying low, but she slips up majorly by losing sight of Art
after he clearly spotted her, and he definitely doesn’t waste any time making her regret it.
And now you can’t run.
This is, of course, very bad, but to her
credit, Tara stop things from getting even worse by swatting away the scalpel and giving the
clown a taste of his own medicine. That said, she should haven’t stopped with just a shallow poke
to his armpit. Dude just about sawed through her Achilles back there, meaning there’s exactly zero
chance she’ll be able to get away on foot.
Like it or not, the only way Tara’s getting out
of this situation is by cutting Art ear to ear, or at very least blinding him one eye at a time.
Even if she manages to lose him temporarily, all he has to do is either follow the blood trail
or the sound of her limping away and it’s pretty much game over, and the fact he chained the front
door shut certainly doesn’t help either.
Gotta say, things are not looking great for
our protagonists right now. At this point, Tara’s only hope is to find the bald exterminator
guy who let her in on the off chance he came prepared for more than just a few rats
tonight. Too bad Art finds her first.
Wow, way to stop halfway down the hallway
when you know the dude can’t hear you. I mean, you’ve limped this far already,
what’s another thirty feet, especially when you’ve got a homicide
circus freak chasing after you.
And just to make everything that much worse, Art
shuts her up by sticking her in the neck with a dirty needle full of question mark, although
given what we’ve seen out of this guy so far, catching cooties is about to be
the least of her worries.
Which brings us to the infamous hacksaw
scene. Now, if anyone here has a weak stomach, I strongly urge you to turn this up and pay close
attention. Your feeble constitution sickens me, and the only way you’ll fix that is through
repeated exposure to the most effed up crap imaginable. Only through this can you ever
hope to be normal, ya know, like me.
Anyway, sometime later, Tara wakes up taped
to a chair with Art right beside her. Probably goes without saying that this is not the kind
position you ever want to find yourself in, although it’s not necessarily a death sentence
for reasons we’ll get to here in a second. Now, Dawn on the other hand, she’s totally screwed.
Not only is she more effectively restrained, hanging upside down like that will make it more
difficult to think and act with all the blood in her body fighting against gravity. Only thing
she can do right now is pray it’s over quick, and spoiler alert, it won’t be.
I’m thinking footage of those Flemish giant rabbits for this one. Ya know the ones
that weigh like 40 pounds. Let’s get some of those on screen while I explain what’s going down
for everyone watching over on YouTube. All right, so like I mentioned before, Art has a
hacksaw, and Dawn here is going to play the role of this lovely assistant, except
instead of cutting her in half at the waist, he’s going right down the middle, and instead of
her tucking her legs up inside another potion of the magic box, she’s definitely going to die.
Okay, here he goes starting at the groin, and as you can tell by all the screams Dawn is definitely
not happy about this. Gotta hand it to Art here, dude really knows how to sharpen a saw cuz that
thing is cruising right through her pelvis like it was some kind of rubber dummy full of fake
blood. Also, sidenote, keeping her upside down like that will ensure she remains conscious for
longer than she might otherwise, as her rapidly depleting blood supply will still continue
flowing down to her brain. Hmm, not once he saws through her heart though. Okay, he’s pretty
much just defiling a corpse at this point, but no point leaving the job half done, am I right?
All right, welcome back from the bunnyverse. Now, you might be wondering what exactly Tara could do
in this situation given it seems pretty hopeless, and don’t be fooled by my setup here. It’s not
looking good. Still, with the right timing, the right moves, and a lot of luck, there’s
a chance she could get out of here.
First thing we’ll have to do is defeat the duct
tape. It’s not always as easy as people make it look online, but looking at Tara’s restraints,
it seems Art didn’t exactly pile on the layers while tying her down. Either way, the best
way to break free when your wrists are taped to a chair like that is to try and force your
hands back towards the center of your chest as hard and fast as you can, almost like you’re
trying to punch yourself in the sternum.
Now, in Tara’s case, the age and general
sh*ttiness of the chair helps her a great deal, as she’s able to shake one of the arms
loose in time to free her other hand, but where she loses a lot of momentum is
through her decision to painstaking unwrap the tape from around her ankles, when instead she
should have quickly dropped into a squat position, thereby using the weight of her body to force her
legs apart. Doing so might have given her more time to find a proper weapon among the assortment
of violent trash Art so carelessly left right behind her, but she still manages to fight
her way there using the broken arm rest.
Unfortunately, this is where Tara’s escape attempt
completely falls apart, as once again, she opts to stab the clown in a non-vital area before limping
away on her jacked up ankle. And even when Tara manages to ambush him a second time using a
random plank of wood she found, she stops just short of the coup de grace to start talking crap,
which is exactly why this happens.
Ooof. Looks like she “girl bossed” just a
little too close to the sun that time.
And with that, Art has added another two kills
to his name, and… oh, actually, never mind. There’s still the matter of Victoria coming to
pick up Dawn and Tara, although at this point, she’s probably going to need a snow shovel.
And of course, Victoria’s not alone in this either. There’s also the exterminator, Mike, who
let Tara in as well as the half-crazed squatter lady who just watched all this go down. Problem
is, the latter is seemingly unable to pull herself together long enough to properly explain the
situation, which results in Mike letting his guard down just long enough to get himself
bonked. Gotta say, I was definitely expecting Art to use the other end there. Oh, well, I’m
sure he won’t be getting off that easily.
As for Victoria, she clearly has absolutely no
idea what kind of waking nightmare she’s about to walk into, although the fact that she’s being led
around to the back of an old, abandoned warehouse should give her some indication things are about
to go down. Sure, it’s Dawn’s phone sending texts, but why wouldn’t she pick up the phone
when Victoria called her? Furthermore, why in the hell wouldn’t they be waiting for her
back in the car? Like, I get Tara’s supposed to be super sick according to the last text message,
but that doesn’t explain either of these things, and it sure as hell doesn’t explain why
they would have wandered deep into the confines of a rat infested dump like this.
Yeah, sorry, sis but were I in this situation, I wouldn’t even get out of my car without
hearing directly from at least one of them. But apparently, Victoria’s so accustomed
to her sibling’s BS that she doesn’t even attempt to push back and tell them to
come outside, something I’m sure she really starts to regret upon finding Dawn’s
mutilated corpse hanging around inside.
Right, so it’s time to leave. Obviously,
no one likes the idea of leaving a family member for dead in a craphole like this,
but the reality is if Tara’s still here, she’s almost certainly dead as well, and even if
she isn’t, how exactly are we going to protect her from someone capable of something like this?
Like it or not, our only concern right now should be retracing our steps back outside and going
for help, and I do mean “going,” not sitting alone in our unlocked car out in front of
this place while waiting for help to arrive. Continuing to search for Tara only increases
our chances of getting lost or trapped in here, and then we’re no good to anyone.
And yet, by some miracle, Vicky somehow manages to stumble upon her mortally wounded
sister, or so she thinks.
Well, that’s horrifying, especially when you
realize that wig he has on isn’t a wig; it’s the scalp from that crazy lady we saw earlier, and if
you thought that’s bad, then just wait, cuz that’s not the only thing of hers he’s wearing.
Now, I’m sure the sight of Juggalo Bill prancing through the dungeon wouldn’t leave you in the
best state of mind for snap decision making, but it’s absolutely imperative we keep our
wits about us while attempting to flee. Like I said before, hiding somewhere without an
escape route pretty much makes us a sitting duck if we’re discovered, which is exactly
what happens to Victoria after she foolishly chooses to post up in that flimsy coat closet
looking thing. Friggin Art can’t even help but laugh at how pathetic she looks in there.
Lucky for her, a second exterminator shows up just in time to draw Art away before he can fill
it with spiders or something. But don’t get it twisted. The new guy isn’t here to play woodsman
to her Little Red Riding hood. On the contrary, dude doesn’t even last long enough
to figure out what’s going on.
Well, at least he didn’t see it coming.
The good news is that the interruption bought Victoria a chance to unstuck herself from that
would-be coffin, but she’s nowhere near out of the woods. Without knowing her way around, all
she can really do is keep a low profile while searching for an exit, and even then, there’s no
telling where Art might pop up next. In that case, we’ll definitely want to find some kind of
weapon we can use if things get up close and personal. Fortunately, there’s no shortage of
old junk lying all over the place we could put to good use in a pinch. Hell, even scooping
up some handfuls of dirt to throw in his eyes could mean the difference between life and
death depending on the circumstances.
After a little cat and mouse and even some
casual MANHUNT action, Victoria eventually reaches a dead end, and you’ll never guess who’s
there waiting for her. That’s right, it’s Tara, only she’s not looking so good. Guess that message
wasn’t lying when it said she was sick.
Of course, the only reason Art would prop her up
like this is to slow Victoria down by inflicting as much psychological damage as possible, and
it definitely gets the job done. After all, it’d be tough for anyone to leave a loved one
rotting in this condition, but the fact is, that’s exactly what it’s going to take to
make it out of here. Stick around here too long and the freaks just gonna come beat
our arse with his homemade flail.
And sure enough, that’s exactly what happens.
However, before he can make it a family reunion, exterminator Mike comes in out of nowhere
to payback that love tap from earlier.
Seriously, a bop on the head? Some exterminator
you turned out to be. This was your chance to end this nightmare once and for all. All you
had to do was keep on smashing until he was nothing but goo. Now, it’s only a matter
of time before Art gets back up and rips your head off. And that’s if you’re lucky.
Well, whatever, at least they were finally able to get away from that psycho, for now anyway.
What’s more, they managed to lock themselves inside a room with a working landline, which
Mike uses to call for help. Too bad he decides to promptly p*ss it all away by leading Tara back
into the labyrinth to try and reach his truck. Dude even explains to the 911 operator just how
screwed they’ll be if Art catches up with them, which only makes it even more confusing why he
wouldn’t have taken decisive action back in the other room to ensure that couldn’t happen.
I mean, just think about it. Art could be anywhere right now, but we know he’s not in here. So
instead of going out there where he might be, let’s stay in here, where he isn’t. And
while Victoria’s injuries could be serious if left untreated, none of them require
immediate medical attention, so there’s literally no reason why we shouldn’t
just sit tight, fortify our position, and hold out for the cavalry to arrive.
But no, we just had to make a break for it, and unsurprisingly this results in Art swooping
in out of nowhere to give Mike the boot.
See, that’s what Mike should have
done to Art a couple minutes ago.
Still, just like his fellow critter gitter before
him, Mike’s death keeps Art busy just long enough for Victoria to slip away, this time by smashing
through one of the chained up doors with a length of pipe. That said, her form was pretty lousy.
Remember, with most cheap, sh*tty locks out there, you want to apply force directly to the top of
the lock body to either break the internal locking lugs or shear off the cutouts in the shackle
that they fit into. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t with this information.
Now, at this point, Victoria’s finally made it outside. However, the extent of her
injuries makes it difficult for her to run, so it makes sense she’d instead opt to squeeze
through another one of the locked doors to try and hold out until the cops show up. Although,
I probably wouldn’t stand so close to it.
Probably should have seen that coming.
Hell, she should have been worried he’d try and poke her eyes out or something.
And just like clockwork, the police arrive just in time to start scooping up bodies. Just
another part of the job. What they probably didn’t expect to see, of course, is a blood spattered
circus clown devouring a young woman’s face, especially while she’s still alive. Gotta
get it while it’s hot, I guess.
As for Art, he knows just how to deal with the
likes of Johnny Law. After all, you can’t get kilt in da streets, if you’re already dead. And
by that I mean, he surrenders peacefully and is taken into custody, and nothing else. Yeah,
never mind the massive gaping hole in his head, or the fact that he’s being taken into the
coroner’s office. It’s all just a formality. And as you can see, Art’s very much alive and well.
In the end, only Victoria made it out alive, although, god dang, I would not call that living.
However, had Tara and Dawn exercised even the slightest bit of common sense while trying to
get home, Victoria never would have had to come get them in the first place. That being said,
once the fight was on, both Tara and Mike had ample opportunity to put Art down hard, and
while it might not necessarily be possible to kill him for good, he could have at least been
incapacitated long enough for them to escape.
For that reason, I think the
TERRIFIER was BEATEN.
Moral of the story, you can’t
spell slaughter without laughter.
