If the local boogeyman came out of retirement
and joined forces with a disgruntled auto mechanic to wreak havoc on your community,
what would you do? Haddonfield’s resident punching bag has
finally had enough, and it seems he’s found his own Mr. Miyagi in the form of a hulking
psychopathic killing machine of indeterminate supernatural ability. Together they’re fixing to tear this town
a new one, starting with basically anyone that’s even so much as raised their voice
to them in the past. If we want to survive, we’ll have to try
really hard not to make the worst decisions imaginable at every possible turn, which seems
to be easier said than done around here. I’m going to break down the mistakes made,
what you should do, and how to beat Michael Myers in Halloween Ends. Corey is kind of a dork. It’s Halloween Night, and instead of spending
the occasion slugging back shots of apple pie with his fellow twenty-somethings, he’s
boldly volunteered to babysit the Allen family’s insufferable offspring over at their lavished
four-story home. Boy, that sure is a long way down. I hope the banister is suitably reinforced
to prevent any unfortunate accidents. In direct defiance of the clients’ clear
instructions, the two sit down to watch the single greatest horror movie ever created. However, don’t go mistaking this little
creature feature for an act of betrayal bonding; junior’s clearly the one running the show
here. Charming. Really makes me invested in wanting to keep
you alive while your parents are out cooking up a sequel. Seriously though, you really gonna take that
kind of lip from a bedwetter? He’s not even half your size. Time to lay down the law and send little Jeremy
off to bed without any porridge. Of course, a snot-nosed punk like him would
probably tell his parents he saw you rifling through Mommy’s unmentionables and get you
blacklisted from the mannyverse for good. Since the kid’s parents told us he’s afraid
of the dark, a better idea would be to slip out to the garage and shut the power off at
the breaker. Then he’d probably do whatever we told him
to just to keep from getting gobbled up by the monster under the bed. Bonus points if we let him sweat it out in
the living room for a little bit before we come back. What? It’s Halloween. Brutally traumatizing small children is pretty
much half the fun. As long as we flip the lights back on by the
time his parents come home, they’ll probably just write it off as some kind of freak electrical
outage, that’s assuming they’re even coherent enough to understand, much less give a goddang Lacking the testicular fortitude to put the
fear of God in a nine-year-old, Corey slinks off to the kitchen to drown his frustrations
with whatever they got in the fridge. Whoa, a little early for the hard stuff, don’t
you think? Suddenly, the sound of something falling over
draws him back to the other room, where it seems someone came through in a hurry, and
Jeremy’s nowhere to be found. Hey, great going, Mrs. Doubtfire. Gotta go with The Good Son on this one, dude. You had one job, and you blew it. Kid’s probably halfway to Neverland by now. Just then, Corey hears Jeremy calling for
help from the top floor. Yeah, might want to get a move on before the
screaming turns into silence. Then again, we should probably find something
to arm ourselves with first. After all, tis the season, and nobody’s
seen hide nor hair of the hometown horror since the time he single-handedly wiped out
an angry mob the year before. Oh, never mind, looks like our hero found
himself a…bread knife? Hmm, starting to lean more towards this all
being just a ruse meant to pull one over on the babysitter. Even if the hash-slinging slasher chose to
grab something other than a butcher knife from the block, why would he just leave it
on the stairs for us to grab on our way up? Besides, you’d think kiddo wouldn’t have
waited five minutes to start losing his crap after seeing a seven-foot-tall, masked lunatic
walk in through the front door. Corey’s investigation leads him to the attic,
and wouldn’t you know it, the door slams shut behind him almost as soon as he walks
in the room. Oh, and just take a wild guess who was behind
this little flimflam. Kinda makes you wish this was the Black Phone,
doesn’t it? However, it seems Jeremy’s not the only
one who’s afraid of the dark. Corey immediately comes unglued at the thought
of spending all of fifteen minutes alone in an empty attic waiting for the Allen’s to
get home. Speaking of which, here they come now, and
just in time to watch this happen. Ooof, well, at least we don’t have to worry
about him ratting us out for letting him watch THE THING. Yeah, cue the screaming. Fortunately, we’ll at least have some physical
evidence to back up our story in the form of the busted door frame. That said, Jeremy didn’t exactly do us any
favors by staging that living room struggle along with the knife. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the little
sicko was deliberately setting us up to take the fall for his own murder. Talk about trick or treating. Fast forward to Current Year and things have
not been going great for old Corey. It’s been four years since everyone’s
favorite SNL cast member carved up half the town in one of his characteristic spooky season
massacres, and since everyone got tired of waiting for their main monster’s return,
they decided to make a new one out of the local brainchild turned child brainer. Despite ultimately being acquitted of all
charges, it seems Corey’s morbid reputation precedes him, bringing us to this ugly episode
outside the Quicky Mart. What’s the world coming to when a man can’t
even drink his chocolate milk without getting called a murderer by passing gangs of zoomers
on the street. The ringleader chooses violence, but before
the rest can join in to put Corey on ice, local legend Laurie shows up to teach them
the error of their ways. However, it seems today’s lesson plan includes
more than just a tongue lashing. Nice, just go right ahead and slash the expensive
white-wall tires on their classic car. It’s not like you’ll be the very first
person they think of the instant they find out. Sure, if this were some massive sprawling
metropolis like New York or LA where there was virtually no chance of you ever running
into them again, I’d say “knock yourself out,” but in a town like this, you’re
almost certain to cross paths eventually, and there won’t always be old ladies around
to bail your butt out before they can kick your teeth in. Besides, they know who you are now. It’s not unreasonable to think they might
figure out where you live or work and ambush you when you least expect it. Also, probably wasn’t such a good idea to
go squeezing that Yoohoo to the point it exploded. Not only did it escalate the situation dramatically,
you pretty much just cut your love life in half on that piece of broken glass. Lucky for him, Laurie’s on hand to drive
him to the nearby hospital, where it just so happens her granddaughter, Allison, works
as a nurse. The two seem to hit it off almost immediately,
and once he’s patched up, Corey follows her out to the parking lot for a peek at her
undercarriage, ya know, cuz her muffler’s been rattling. With that out of the way, the flirtation resumes. Evidently, last year’s bout of Michael Myers’
mayhem really did a number on Haddonfield’s singles scene, as Allison sure doesn’t waste
any time before asking him out on a date. For real, dude sucks with kids. But apparently the women in this family have
a thing for matadors; they see a red flag and go charging right in. The following night, Allison picks Corey up
from his mother’s house and the pair heads over to a Halloween party at one of the local
watering holes. Things start off pretty well, with Corey finally
having a chance to show off the killer moves he’s been working on while punch dancing
out in the forest; however, it isn’t long before the young man’s checkered past catches
up with him. While ordering at the bar, he finds the former
Mrs. Allen at the bottom of a bottle, and it turns out she hasn’t quite forgotten
about the time he Spartan kicked her precious little evil spawn into an early grave. Seems she doesn’t give a darn what the courts
ruled. As far as she’s concerned, Corey gave her
brat the boot just for the thrill of it. Fortunately, the bartender sees what’s going
on and reigns her in before she can turn the whole crowd against him, but the damage is
done. Corey storms out of the bar and hits the road,
and despite Allison’s pleas for him to shake it off and go back inside, he decides he’d
rather spend the rest of the night alone sulking on the sidewalk than with the good-looking
lady that’s inexplicably attracted to him. Unfortunately, Mrs. Allen isn’t the only
one around town with an ax to grind. Apparently, that band of degenerates from
the convenience store has been cruising around all night looking to properly thank him for
the flat tire. Gee, I wonder what tipped them off. However, Corey’s in no mood for pleasantries. Nice work, Zoro. As a general rule, if you’re gonna pull
a weapon on someone, you’d better be willing to use it, or at least hold onto it tight
enough that RiFF RAFF can’t tap it out of your hands with a single swipe. Although, given Corey’s well-known track
recording involving insolent youth, leaving a couple dead teenagers on the side of the
road, probably wouldn’t help him much in the court of public opinion, regardless of
whether they might have been asking for it. I know you have a lot of important brooding
to do back home in your racecar bed, but shoving your way past the first one only to put yourself
square in the middle of them was supremely stupid. After all, it wouldn’t take a mind reader
to know they were planning to jack you up from the very beginning. Instead, we should have kept all the potential
threats in front of us to maximize our options. Then we could still make a run for it if we
needed to. Not to mention the fact we wouldn’t have
to worry about duking it out in two different directions once things got spicy. By the way, totally neglecting one of these
clowns to square up on the other is exactly how you wind up in a rear-naked choke. Yeah, just like that. Now would have been a great time to pull out
that pocketknife and jab this jerk in the kidneys, ya know, if you hadn’t already
lost it over the side of the bridge. The good news is you’re about to get a chance
to go look for it, provided you survive the fall, I mean. I guess now he knows how Jeremy feels: flat
as a pancake. I’m joking of course; Jeremy can’t feel
anything. And Corey will probably wish he can’t either
once he comes to, assuming whoever or whatever is dragging him into this drainage pipe doesn’t
give him the Georgie treatment, that is. The next morning, Corey awakens to find himself
alone in a rat filled sewer. Upon getting his bearings, he heads for the
light at the end of the tunnel, only to wind up face to face with the patron saint of psychos
himself. However, instead of snapping his neck like
a pencil right there on the spot, Michael Myers uses his recently developed mind-link
powers to look into Corey’s past, and apparently, it’s so depressing, he decides to let him
go. Dang, dude. Imagine being so pathetic even a mass murder
feels sorry for you. Given a second chance at life, Corey scrambles
out of the culvert as fast as he can, just in time to bump into No-Bark Noonan out on
patrol. The old man takes the opportunity to rave
incoherently before demanding he return to the sewer and deal with the heavily armed
Chupacabra dwelling within. But Corey’s had enough. He grabs Ol’ Sticky away from the crackpot
and forces it under his ribs, leaving the Chosen One sprawled out under the overpass
in a pool of his own fluids. Gotta give Corey props for pulling off the
disarm without getting cut to crap. As any YouTuber that’s ever touched a mat
will tell you, it’s pretty much impossible to fend off a knife attack without getting
cut. That said, not a big fan of how he chucked
that knife away without even trying to wipe off his prints. Sure, it’s not like anyone’s gonna be
filing a missing person’s report for this guy, but on the off chance someone happens
upon the body, Corey’s fingerprints would still be on record. Self-defense or not, if they somehow managed
to recover the knife, all it would take is the testimony of the punks that tossed him
down there to connect him to the incident and get him locked up. I’m not saying we should report the incident
to the cops, but maybe take the knife and body back in the pipe for Michael to play
with. At that point, anyone that finds them probably
won’t be around long enough to make it an issue. After stopping by his house to get cleaned
up, Corey heads over to Allison’s place to apologize for ditching her at the party. Despite the visible look of horror on her
grandmother’s face at his sudden change in aura, Allison accepts his apologie and
agrees to go on a walk with him, which Corey sees as the perfect opportunity to drop this
little truth bomb. Jesus, already? Dude’s not even cold. Besides, I feel like this is more of a third
date conversation. Oh, well, doesn’t matter. Looks like she’s totally down for it. With that off his chest, Corey takes Allison
to break into the long-since abandoned house where his life changed forever. Yeah, turns out he was only talking about
the child he killed. Smart move. Should probably make sure she’s a ride or
die before letting her know about the latest one. The trauma team spends the rest of the day
discussing the incident before sitting down at a local diner to reminisce about the long
list of bad memories the town brings to mind. Speaking of which, here comes Allison’s
wasted ex-boyfriend, Doug, to make a complete idiot of himself in this family friendly establishment. Fortunately, in addition to memory swapping
and instant laser eye surgery, Michael’s super Care Bear stare helped Corey find his
big boy voice, which he uses to politely tell this loser to get lost. For once it seems he might actually be able
to resolve a situation without winding up on the ground, except this isn’t over. After dropping Allison off at her house, Corey
notices a strange vehicle following him in the distance, prompting him to head back over
to the bridge for a good old-fashioned ambush. The mystery machine eventually arrives on
the scene, and out walks Doug with Maglite in hand. Yeah, should probably take this time to mention
the dude’s one of Haddonfield’s finest, meaning he’s almost certainly armed. In that case, whatever we do had better be
decisive, otherwise, we could wind up breathing out a new hole in our head. Oh, or we could just throw a jacket over his
head and hope for the best. Seriously, Corey’s lucky all he got was
a flashlight to the face. I’ll give him points for running the old
pie in the windowsill, but we should have used the opportunity to come over the top
with something heavy, like a tire iron or a rock. That said, if the plan was always to try and
lure him down the rabbit hole, it would have been a better idea to just stage the light
there in the first place. As for Doug, are you seriously gonna get down
on your hands and knees to chase your romantic rival through the tunnel of blood? You realize he’s probably standing on the
other side ready to bash you over the head the second you pop out, right? Just let it go. I get there aren’t all that many fish in
this pond, but you gotta believe if this is the kinda guy she’s hanging out with now,
you probably don’t want none of that anymore. Well, apparently, the potential shame of re-downloading
Hinge is just too much for him to handle, because he’s doing this. And wouldn’t you know it, almost as soon
as he gets on his feet Michael Myers comes out of nowhere and pins him against the wall,
but it seems the old slasher has lost his edge. Good thing Corey was there to follow up with
the beatdown, although he’s having trouble closing the deal. Just keep doing what you’re doing, dude. A few more smacks with that Maglite and Doug’s
a goner. Besides, since when do you have trouble killing
people? Heck, you didn’t even have to try the first
time. Let’s face it; you’re a natural. Inspired to share his craft with the younger
generations, Michael retrieves his favorite kitchen knife from its hiding place in the
wall and starts doing what he does best. Evidently, it’s just like riding a bike,
as it only takes a few stabs before he’s back at the top of his game. Having renewed his sense of self-worth, he’s
ready to embark on one last rampage before this worn-out franchise gets shelved for good,
and his new partner in crime knows just where to begin. Elsewhere in town, Allison’s piece of crap
boss, Dr. Mathis, is gearing up for a romantic night in with her fair-weather friend and
coworker, Deb. Yeah, take a wild guess who just got a promotion
recently. Nurse Ratchet steps away for a moment to freshen
up for the main event when a sudden commotion from outside prompts her to go check on her
sugar da…I mean, employer. Hey, good on her for not just brushing it
off and assuming everything’s okay, but if you’re really that concerned something
might have gone wrong, you should bring your phone with you in case it’s an emergency. Afterall, Dr. Mathis isn’t exactly in peak
physical condition, so it’s probably worth the added precaution just in case all this
excitement’s left him stiff as a board. Upon reaching the courtyard of this humble
abode, Deb flips on the lights to find the good doctor getting uncorked by Raggedy Andy. Terrified, she retreats back inside the house
just in time to lock Corey outside, but before she can get through to the police, the other
half of the equation emerges from a nearby closet for a little redecorating. I guess he also has super-powered stud-finding
capabilities. Not sure why the pin-up girl would have gone
back to play peekaboo with Corey while trying to get the cops on the line. I mean, it’s not like she could have known
the OG was about to come out of nowhere and stick her to the wall like a zebra skin, but
even if he hadn’t, that sliding glass door wasn’t going to hold forever. If I were in her shoes, I would have taken
the phone deeper into the house and locked myself in wherever I could. Of course, there probably isn’t a single
room in this place that could hold back a human wrecking ball like Mike, but at least
we might be able to warn the town about the copycat killer before they Jack Torrance’d
their way inside and hacked us to pieces. As we all know, killing is hard work, and
because he was kicked out of his mom’s place for talking to a girl, Corey decides to sleep
off last night’s festivities where it all began. Well, for him, at least. Yeah, nothing says “it was an accident”
quite like snoozing away on the dried blood stain where Jeremy hit the floor. Starting to wonder if Mrs. Allen wasn’t
onto something. This time he’s awakened by the sound of
Laurie menacingly rocking back and forth in a dining room chair. Apparently, she’s been waiting around for
God knows how long so she could wax poetic about the two types of evil before telling
him to leave Allison alone. Man, if only you didn’t try and hook her
up with the first child killer you met, then maybe none of this would have happened. Unfortunately, her Speech attempt falls flat,
and Corey makes it clear that if he can’t have her granddaughter, no one will. However, when he goes to drive his point across
with fire poker, it turns out she’s already Batman’d her way out the nearby window. Yeah, there’s a reason this conversation
usually involves a shotgun, but at least he wasn’t shy about his intentions. It’s too bad Laurie didn’t have the foresight
to record this exchange for Allison’s benefit. Afterall, if the kid was really demon possessed
like she thought, then any conversation they were going to have was bound to take a turn
for the worse. Of course, this works both ways. Now Corey knows for sure she’s onto him. Better start strapping up for when he inevitably
shows up at the house to make good on that threat. First things first, however. Having successfully killed all of two and
a half men, it seems Corey thinks it’s time he wore the mask himself, ya know, cuz why
maintain the working relationship you have with an unstoppable killing machine that has
the power to read minds? He literally just went with you to help sort
out your girlfriend’s work drama. I’m pretty sure he’d be down to clown
on this op as well, especially since it involves settling the score with the one person he’s
been trying to kill for almost half a century. Also, think for a second. Michael’s been wearing that thing for more
than four straight years; you know it’s gotta smell like hot, sick butt in there. Good luck sneaking up on people while you’re
constantly fighting back the urge to vomit uncontrollably. Having claimed his prize, he sets out to tie
up a few loose ends before his final confrontation with the golden girl, and who better to start
with than the gaggle of punks that sent him down this dark road to begin with. Corey tracks the kids down to a local service
station and leaves his calling card on the hood of their convertible. Once they take the bait, he lures them over
to his stepdad’s pick and pull to play a little hide and shriek. Gosh, I wonder why he would just wait around
for us to spot him after vandalizing our car. It’s almost like he wants us to follow him
into that creepy, abandoned junkyard for some reason. Stupid teenagers. Upon reaching the wrecking yard, the gang
decides to exact their revenge on Corey’s conspicuously placed motorcycle, but just
as they’re about to hook it up to the back of their car for a little sidewalk surfing,
it seems the Iron Mullet has fallen asleep at the wheel. I guess someone should have kept an eye out. Suddenly, a nearby tow truck roars to life,
which for some reason makes the girls want to jump right out into the headlights like
a pair of mule deer instead of, say, running in literally any other direction. Do you not see the locked gate topped with
barbed wire down there? Unless you’re planning to pole vault that
thing, there’s no way in heck you’re going to make it over the top before that wrecker
makes you road pizza. The fencing surrounding the rest of the perimeter
seems to be basically the same height as the gate, and you could probably find an old junker
to stand on to make climbing out even easier. Whatever, screw lateral movement, right? Better to just bet the house on our ability
to outrun an internal combustion engine. There’s a recipe for longevity if I’ve
ever heard one. Oh, and the bright ideas don’t stop there. What do you think Stacy does after seeing
her friend get mowed down by some maniac in a pickup truck? Did you guess run back towards the still-idling
vehicle currently occupied by the killer? If so, I probably don’t even need to tell
you what happens next. Hmm, I wonder what the fearless leader’s
been up to while his friends were out competing in the Darwin Olympics. Well, in a shocking display of brain function,
he decides to run over to the nearby office and beg the owner for help, who immediately
dials 911 and reports the incident to law enforcement. Nah, he actually decides to arm the complete
stranger before immediately turning his back on him to go investigate. Jesus Christ, dude, for all you know this
little piece of crap came here just to screw you over. Why else would a bunch of idiot highschoolers
be trespassing around your business in the middle of the night? Besides, even if he’s telling the truth,
what makes you think he’s competent enough with a firearm not to punch a hole in your
head by accident. Yeah, sorry about your friends, dude. I’m locking the door and calling the cops. Here’s a claw hammer in case you don’t
feel like suffering a slow and painful death at the hands of my chronically single stepson. Old Ronald McDumby makes his way to the busted
gate where he finds Margo still alive underneath the wreckage. However, before he can tap into his old-man
strength and yeet the truck right off of her, he notices Corey standing quietly in front
of the truck. Yeah, you see how your wife’s weird freaking
kid is holding a creepy Halloween mask next to a bunch of dead and wounded teenagers? Ya think it’s possible he might have had
something to do with it? Nah, couldn’t be. Clearly, this is all some kind of misunderstanding. Evidently, that’s what was going through
his head because his first reaction upon seeing Terry come out with the rifle is to put himself
directly in the line of fire, with predictable results. Mind blowing. Props to him for laying down his life to protect
someone he cares about, but it might have been worth asking yourself if this creep was
really worth the headache. And Terry, you stupid freakwit, all you had
to do was not call your shot like that and Ronald wouldn’t have had a chance to screw
everything up. That said, I wouldn’t recommend taking a
shot like that in the first place unless there was an imminent deadly threat. Either way, now you have to find him again. Might be a good time to fall back to the office
and call for backup. After all, Corey works here, meaning he knows
the layout of this place. Going in after him is just going to result
in you getting ambushed and disarmed. As for Margo, well, it’s not looking good. Her only hope of making it out of alive is
the fire department showing up to cut her out of that mess, and given Clone High JFK
still thinks he can sort this out on his own, something tells me that’s not going to happen. But, hey, at least she’ll have one last
chance to make a half-decent decision before catching the coup de grace. Let’s watch. And she blew it. Seriously, what kind of half-baked warning
was that? You couldn’t have just said “behind you”
or “lookout,” or something? Heck, even screaming unintelligibly would
have been less confusing than that. Whatever. Your reward for getting cute with the callouts
is a front row seat to Terry’s acetylene glow up before Corey comes back to stomp a
mud hole in your face. With that out of the way, Corey loads up in
the tow truck to pay his girlfriend a visit. Along the way, he drops in on a couple honorable
mentions, including his own mother and the local radio DJ. Yeah, not much I can say for these folks besides
some of the basics like locking your doors, keeping an eye on points of entry, and maybe
hiring staff members that will recognize a serial killer when they see one. Seriously, for a town that was supposedly
traumatized following a slew of brutal slayings, they sure don’t seem to act like it. One would expect folks around here to be a
whole lot twitchier, especially around Halloween. Back at Allison’s place, it looks like Laurie’s
gearing up to speed run her golden years. After calling the cops to report a self-deletion
in progress, she takes a Ruger LCR from her safe and assumes the position. Meanwhile, Corey arrives at the house just
in time to enter the splash zone, only things aren’t all they appear to be. I mean, yeah, kinda. Okay, I get it was meant to be convincing,
but did you really have to put a loaded gun to your head with your finger on the trigger? I’m pretty sure he couldn’t see that part
anyway. So, now that your daughter’s boyfriend is
bleeding out on the hardwood, this would be a good time to call the cops back and let
them know about your insane ruse. That way they send more than a single unit
and an ambulance before the real Slim Shady shows up to finish the job. Actually, never mind. It turns out committing unalive is still on
the menu. Yeah, brace yourself for this crap, cuz it’s
some of the dumbest decision making we’ve seen on the channel to date. Despite staging an ambush for the express
purpose of ending this nightmare once and for all, Laurie decides that she actually
wants Corey to kill her. No, seriously, she even empties the last two
shots in her revolver before walking into stabbing distance and literally telling him
to do it. What the heckl was the purpose of all that
then? Sure, I guess she could be thinking he’ll
bleed to death after doing the deed, or maybe wind up getting hauled off to a mental hospital,
but A. you don’t know that his wounds are fatal and B. if he does get locked up, he
could wind up getting released decades later, just like the real Michael Myers. You’d literally just be starting this cycle
all over again. However, instead of giving her the satisfaction
of being brutally murdered in her own home, Corey decides that two can play at this game. Boom. Checkmate granny. But she’s not about to give up that easily. In a desperate bid to make her intentions
even less comprehensible, Laurie rips the knife out of Corey’s neck, thereby completely
ensuring he’ll bleed to death in a matter of seconds. Oh, and just in time for Allison to walk in
the door and tragically misread the situation. Yeah, it’s bad enough the cops are going
to think you ruthlessly executed a home invader with his own weapon, now your grandkid is
going to go on thinking you murdered her boyfriend, which you sorta just did. Before Laurie can even attempt to explain
away the absolute screw party that just unfolded in this madhouse, Allison storms off into
the rain to ugly cry back in her car. Just think, all of this could have been avoided
had you just minded your own business back at the gas station. It’s not over yet though, cause OJ just
showed up to get his crap back. Also, it seems Corey still has a little life
left in him. Oh, well, not anymore. Phew. For a second there I thought for sure our
main character’s actions might come with permanent moral consequences. Thank God Michael got here when he did. Hearing his characteristic wheezing, Laurie
locks the house down in anticipation of her final showdown with the very man who’s haunted
her dreams for decades. Yeah, bet you wish you didn’t dump those
last two shots into the sheet rock now, don’t you? Also, what’s with the wheel guns in this
town? There was this crazy new invention back in
1891 called the semi-automatic pistol. Maybe look into it. Seventeen shots of 9 millimeter beats five
shots of .357 Mag any day of the gosh dang week. Whatever, who needs guns when you have Kraft
Dinner. Gotta admit, that was a solid use of a distraction,
although it might have been a good idea to follow up the disarm by dosing him in the
eyes with the fire extinguisher. Depending on what kind it was, the chemicals
could blind him long enough for us to gain the upper hand. Unfortunately, Laurie’s fire-fighting skills
are no match for Michael’s brute strength, but instead of just snapping her neck and
getting it over with like he did with Corey, he decides to… *sigh* just sort of throw
her around for a while until she’s finally able to pin him down. Yeah, I guess we’re meant to believe that
Michael Myers, the Michael Myers, who’s been shot, stabbed, set on fire, has single-handedly
fought off an angry mob, and somehow spent the last four years subsiding on rat carcasses
in a storm sewer, was defeated in single combat by a frail old woman. Sounds right to me. Now, let’s see who this guy really is. Savage. Oh, but throat cut or not, you know he’s
gotta lash out for one last strangling before the end. Fortunately, it seems Allison forgot her purse. Otherwise, this might have ended in a draw. Proving that when seconds count, cops will
always be minutes away, the boys in blue finally roll in to take a statement. However, it seems this one won’t be played
out by the book. No, instead, they’re going to gather up
the townsfolk for a good old fashioned corpse parade. After tying his body to the roof of a car
like a white tail, the procession makes its way to the local waste management facility. Once there, they finally lay their collective
fears to rest in the most definitive way imaginable: by feeding his body to the sewage grinder. In the end, both Michael and his disciple
were taken out before they could settle the score with Laurie, although they still managed
to trim down the census a bit before that happened. That said, had Corey taken our advice from
the get go, he could have avoided falling into Michael’s clutches in the first place,
thus preventing the series of events that led to all the mayhem. For that reason, I think HALLOWEEN ENDS was
beaten. Moral of the story. Who needs justice when you have the muffin
monster?
