Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE
SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SPENT
"YOUR" WEEKEND, BUT I SPENT IT WATCHING "THE HUNT FOR RED
OCTOBER" ON A LOOP. I'VE EVEN BEEN WORKING
ON M RUSSIAN ACCENT: ( SCOTTISH ACCENT )
"A WEE DAS VEDANYA TO YA, LASSIE." BECAUSE, YOU SEE, THE COLD WAR
IS BACK IN A BIG WAY, AND THE WHOLE WORLD HAS BEEN GRIPPED
BY THE MOVING IMAGES COMING OUT OF UKRAINE. WE'VE SEEN SCENES OF HEARTBREAK
AND HEROISM. DESPERATE REFUGEES STREAMING
OVER THE POLISH BORDER, FAMILIES TAKING SHELTER FROM THE BOMBS IN
SUBWAY STATIONS, MEN TRIED TO STOP TANKS WITH THEIR BARE
HANDS. WE KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
FOR WEEKS, BUT THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWING IT'S
COMING AND WATCHING IT HAPPEN. RUSSIA'S INVASION OF UKRAINE IS
A HUMANITARIAN CRISIS, BUT IT IS ALSO A TRIUMPH OF HUMANITY,
BECAUSE DESPITE ALL OF RUSSIA'S MILITARY PROWESS, THE ORDINARY
PEOPLE OF UKRAINE WILL NOT BACK DOWN, AND THE WAR IN UKRAINE
ISN'T WORKING OUT THE WAY RUSSIA INTENDED. TAKE THAT, PUTIN! ACTUALLY, STOP
TAKING ANYTHING, AND GO HOME. RUSSIA'S FAILINGS ARE NOT JUST
SURPRISING, THEY'RE ALSO EMBARRASSING. >> Stephen: WHAT A COINCIDENCE. THEY RAN OUT OF GAS THE SAME
TIME UKRAINIANS RAN OUT OF ( BLEEP )S. ONE OF THE MOST MOVING MOMENTS
OF DEFIANCE HAPPENED WHEN SOLDIERS REFUSED TO
SURRENDER AT A PLACE CALLED SNAKE ISLAND. WHICH IS, I THINK, WHERE MORTAL
KOMBAT TAKES PLACE. THE NOW-VIRAL AUDIO CLIP
CAPTURES THE MOMENT WHEN 13 UKRAINIAN SOLDIERS WERE
ASKED TO SURRENDER BY THE RUSSIAN NAVY:
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] RUSSIAN NAVY:
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: COURAGEOUS DEFIANCE BY PATRIOTS WILLING TO LAY DOWN
THEIR LIVES. REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S
FAMOUS WORDS, "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR EAT MY ASS." IT'S BELIEVED THAT THEY'RE STILL
ALIVE THESE SAILORS AND ASKING TO BE PLAYED BY
VIN DIESEL AND THE ROCK. AND IT'S NOT JUST THE UKRAINIAN
MILITARY PUTTING UP A FIGHT. SEVERAL CLIPS OF ORDINARY
UKRAINIANS IN ACTION HAVE GONE VIRAL, LIKE THIS ONE OF A
MAN MOVING A LAND MINE TO ALLOW UKRAINIAN FORCES TO PASS. THAT IS SO DANGEROUS. DOESN'T HE KNOW THAT
SMOKING CAN KILL. HE'S CARRYING THAT LANDMINE SO
GINGERLY! I BELIEVE THAT'S THE "UNCLE
HOLDING A BABY THAT JUST POOPED" TECHNIQUE. ( AS UNCLE )
"OOP! SOMEBODY DROPPED A BOOM BOOM. SUSAN, YOU TAKE HIM. I'M NOT DONE WITH MY SMOKE." SOME UKRAINIANS ARE RETURNING
HOME FROM OTHER COUNTRIES TO FIGHT, LIKE THIS GUY. >> ( TRANSLATED ) MY BROTHER
WILL STAY WITH MY MOTHER. MY GRANDMOTHER AND I WILL GO TO
WAR WITH MY FATHER. >> Stephen: DAMN, EVEN UKRAINE'S
GRANDMAS ARE FIGHTING FOR THEIR FREEDOM. WHICH MEANS RUSSIAN TROOPS WON'T
JUST BE DEFEATED BY GUNS, BUT BY ONE VERY LONG STORY. (OLD UKRAINIAN WOMAN)
"AND THEN I MET HIS GRANDFATHER BACK IN 1942. ...OR WAS IT '43? NO NO, MY DAD HAD JUST BOUGHT
THE BUICK, SO IT WAS PROBABLY '42. NO...OH LOOK,
THEY'RE ALL ASLEEP. KILL THEM." (APPLAUSE)
UKRAINE'S CIVILIANS ARE HELPING IN A DIFFERENT WAY AFTER THE
UKRAINIAN DEFENSE MINISTRY TWEETED TO
"MAKE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS AND TAKE DOWN THE OCCUPIER,"
WITH INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DO SO. THAT'S GREAT, BUT DID THEY
REALLY NEED INSTRUCTIONS ON MAKING MOLOTOV COCKTAILS? IT'S A PRETTY SIMPLE RECIPE:
BOTTLE, KEROSENE,
RAG, EXPLODE TO TASTE. UKRAINIANS ARE ALSO FIGHTING
BACK IN NONVIOLENT WAYS. LIKE ONE ROAD COMPANY WHICH IS
REMOVING ROAD SIGNS TO CONFUSE RUSSIANS. THE COMPANY ALSO POSTED
IT'S ALREADY CONFUSING ENOUGH THAT IT IS IN KILL MOTORS. THE COMPANY ALSO POSTED
AN EDITED PHOTO OF A ROAD SIGN WHERE THE DIRECTIONS HAD BEEN
REPLACED WITH PHRASES THAT TRANSLATE AS
"GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF", "GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF AGAIN,"
AND "GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF BACK IN
RUSSIA". (APPLAUSE)
THAT'S RIGHT. I'M
PRETTY SURE THAT WAS MODELED ON THE "WELCOME TO QUEENS" SIGN. POLITICIANS ARE ALSO STEPPING
UP. HERE'S FORMER UKRAINIAN
PRESIDENT PETRO POROSHENKO BEING INTERVIEWED WITH HIS
FRIENDS: >> CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU AND
THE GROUP YOU'RE WITH RIGHT NOW THERE ARE ARMED WITH AND WHAT
YOUR INTENTION IS IF THE RUSSIANS ROLL IN IN THE NEXT FEW
HOURS? >> AH, THIS IS VERY EASY. JUST MY ASSISTANCE HERE. THIS IS THE SHOT KALASHNIKOV. >> Stephen: THAT IS A BADASS
FORMER PRESIDENT. I'D LIKE TO SEE JIMMY CARTER
BUILD A HOUSE WITH A BAZOOKA. BUT PERHAPS THE GREATEST SYMBOL
OF THEIR INDOMITABLE RESISTANCE IS, CURRENT UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT
AND GUY WHO APPARENTLY UNLOCKS HIS PHONE WITH HIS FIST,
VOLODOMYR ZELENSKY. WHEN THE INVASION STARTED, SOME
PREDICTED THAT ZELENSKY WOULD FLEE THE COUNTRY. BUT HE'S DONE THE EXACT
OPPOSITE. NOT ONLY HAS HE STAYED, HE'S
BECOME A NATIONAL HERO BY FIGHTING ALONGSIDE HIS FELLOW
UKRAINIANS. IN FACT, ON SATURDAY, ZELENSKY
REPORTEDLY TURNED DOWN AN OFFER FROM THE UNITED STATES TO
EVACUATE HIM, SAYING: "I NEED AMMUNITION, NOT A RIDE." WOI, WOW! I MEAN-- . >> Jon: HE WOWED IT
IS EVERYONE IN UKRAINE BADASS? EXPLAINS WHY THIS IS THEIR
NATIONAL ANTHEM: >> S "MOVE BITCH,
S GET OUT THE WAY, S GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH,
S GET OUT THE WAY" >> Stephen: EVEN THOUGH HE
STAYED, THERE WERE RUMORS SPREAD BY RUSSIA THAT ZELENSKY
HAD ABANDONED KYIV IN SECRET. SO IN RESPONSE, HE POSTED THIS
VIDEO TO SAY "NYET-UH." >> ( TRANSLATED )
GOOD EVENING. GOOD DAY. THE PRIME MINISTER, SHMYHAL IS
HERE. THE PARTY LEADER IS HERE. THE HEAD OF THE PRESIDENT'S
ADMINISTRATION IS HERE AND OBVIOUSLY THE PRESIDENT IS HERE. ALL OF US ARE HERE. OUR MILITARY ARE HERE, OUR CIVIL
SERVANTS ARE HERE DEFENDING OUR INDEPENDENCE AND OUR STATE AND
WE MEAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. GLORY TO UR ALLIES. GLORY TO UKRAINE. (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THAT'S INCREDIBLE. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. HE'S NOT ABANDONING SHIP. >> Stephen: HE'S STAYING! HE'S LIKE THE CAPTAIN OF THE
TITANIC, IF THE TITANIC SPENT FIVE DAYS SUCCESSFULLY BEATING
THE ICEBERG. THIS BRAVERY IS ESPECIALLY
SURPRISING BECAUSE BEFORE HE WAS A POLITICIAN, ZELENSKY WAS
ONE OF UKRAINE'S MOST POPULAR TV COMEDIANS. YOUR MOVE, MRS. MAISEL. LET'S SEE HOW MARVELOUS YOU
REALLY ARE. AND BACK IN 2006, ZELENSKY ALSO
WON THE UKRAINIAN VERSION OF DANCING WITH THE STARS. CHECK OUT HIS MOVES:
♪ DON'T YOU STAND ON MY BLUE SU ERCK DE SHOES. ♪
♪ OKAY, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE
RULES OF SOCCER. ZELENSKY'S BRAVERY IS IN THE
FACE OF MORTAL DANGER. BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND,
THE KREMLIN ORDERED 400 RUSSIAN MERCENARIES INTO KYIV TO HUNT
AND KILL UKRAINE'S PRESIDENT. OF COURSE! ZELENSKY IS EVERYTHING PUTIN
ISN'T. HE'S YOUNG, HE'S TOUGH, HE'S
LOVED AND ADMIRED BY HIS PEOPLE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, UNLIKE
PUTIN, HE LOOKS GOOD WITH HIS SHIRT OFF. NO WONDER HE NEEDS
AMMO, LOOK AT THOSE GUNS. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS BOB ODENKIRK. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE
STANDING RIGHT HERE WITH MORE MONOLOGUE ABOUT THE SANCTIONS ON
RUSSIA. STICK AROUND.
