Borderline Personality Disorder as a Child

[Music] this video is just one part of a full series released right here week after week subscribe below and hit that Bell to make sure you don't miss an episode enjoy welcome to med circle in this episode you'll hear from a very resilient young woman living with borderline personality disorder Sami Grimm lived through what she calls a chaotic childhood riddled with its own set of challenges in school family and mental health because I watched you on YouTube and you're very likable thank you you know that's on YouTube then you walk through the door and you were still likable thank you yes I feel like you're a perfect person to kind of demystify a lot of the stuff surrounding your diagnosis definitely yeah what are you diagnosed with so I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with schizophrenic tendencies so yeah it's it's been a rough ride but I'm finally to the point now where I'm like accepting of it um and just learning more about it that's like my big important thing that I've been trying to do is to educate myself so I can help other people with it so why come sit on this couch with me for many hours and talk about this to all of these people around the world I just want to help other people and I know that BPD like there's tons of people that talk about depression and anxiety which i think is super important but I feel like there's not enough people talking about BPD or schizophrenia or any of the really big serious illnesses and I want to be that platform where people can come to to kind of you know unwind and just kind of learn about themselves and to feel comfortable and to because a lot of times like I felt alone and stuff like that and I don't want anyone else to feel that way so I definitely wanted to be a platform where people can come to and you know learn about themselves I think that's such a selfless act ain't any other being act but at the same time it's also so helpful for you I would definitely yeah when you can help other people you're in turn helping yourself definitely yeah let's first define what borderline personality disorder is okay so it's an instability with relationships and yourself pretty much there's nine characteristics in borderline personality disorder which I have all nine and I know you've done an interview with dr. about that I've watched those videos so yeah that's pretty much it I suffer from all nine of those characteristics and yeah that's pretty much it I was really excited to hear when you came in that you said that you had first seen my interview with med circle with encina I did yes or we connected that circle in yeah yeah so I'm glad that those videos are reaching people and then that you saw that and felt comfortable enough to come here to do definitely yeah that was an incredible interview I loved it yeah me too yeah that wonderful okay so let's talk about you for a little bit and then later in the episode we'll go more into BPD where were you I was born here in San Diego I grew up in Florida in a really small town in Florida for a few years and then came back to San Diego oh man why did you come here I well we moved out and and lived there for like six or so years and then my stepdad got another job out here so we ended up coming back okay yeah what was your childhood like my childhood was very unstable I would say my mom got a divorce what from my dad when I was like one or so so I never knew them together which is fine I feel like a lot of people you know deal with divorce in their lives you know what I mean my mom has mental illness as well so she was very unstable with you know her relationships with my you know stepdad she remarried quite a bit so it was very rocky growing up we moved from place to place like we never stayed in a place more than a year so like almost every single year we were moving and I've been to over 14 schools in my life yeah worked yeah yeah it was super super unstable so my dad though on my dad's side he was very people had a really good job like super good compared to how my mom was so when I would go back and forth I was like you know all over the place because I would get stable for a little while with my dad and then I'd have to go back to my mom so it was pretty Rocky yeah did you think that was normal I did at one point I did but then once I was going to my dad's and seeing like how my brothers were growing up and like how stable they were I was realizing that you know it wasn't normal for you know what I was going through at my mom's she also did a lot of drugs and stuff so like at first I thought that was normal and then I would go to my friend's house and I would see that there's not drugs you know everywhere late about you know it's it was so different and I raised my sisters pretty much growing up on my mom's side and it was just craziness all the time was your dad aware of the conditions you were living with with your mother so no I kept it pretty quiet but just because I was so afraid of being split up for my sisters that I felt like I needed to like not tell anyone because I I didn't know exactly you know what CPS you know entailed and I was just afraid that CPS was going to get involved and then split us all up and then not know where my sisters were you know so I was just terrified of that so I definitely kept it a secret up until even probably a few years ago my dad still doesn't even know you know everything that went on but he knows a little bit and he was of course upset when he found all this stuff out and you know but there's nothing I was like I'm not gonna get separated from my sisters I just refused you know so that was why I didn't say anything how did that affect you then and that in that moment in time yeah I had a really bad anxiety as a kid like so bad I was always like fight-or-flight I guess and my adrenaline was always up and I was always like scared I was super emotional anything if you like said one thing you know that was like I don't know like mean I would cry you know what I mean and then I and then I eventually got very angry and I would get into a lot of fights at school I was always in the principal's office always either defending someone that was getting bullied or my sisters or you know fighting someone I was always in trouble so I think that really affected me as a kid for sure were you using drugs I started using drugs I had my first sip of alcohol when I was eight and you were eight yeah my mom I'm telling you my mom had it around the house so it was always there so I was like why not try it my mom's doing it why can't I do it you know I started using marijuana when I was 12 and then started getting into prescription pills when I was in high school and then I was dealing in high school my mom's prescription pills because we didn't have like food so my mom would like spend her husband's like paychecks and stuff on like alcohol and drugs and then we didn't have anything so that was like my go-to thing that I was like okay I know people that will buy this so I'm gonna sell it and then get food for me and my sisters but yeah how did that affect your sister's pretty pretty bad I mean they they're really hard-working you know at the time and they are really you know just trying to get by I tried to kind of shield them and protect them as much as possible they're younger yeah a few years younger than I am but you know the my middle sister she's only a couple years younger than me so we kind of both were like once she got old enough we were both kind of taking care of the younger one and we were just trying to protect her as much as possible but yeah is that fall into any self-destructive behavior no honestly not as much as I did they did sports like I made sure they went to their practices and you know the youngest one didn't really do well in school but otherwise they didn't do drugs they didn't drink like they weren't like partiers like I was but yeah so they did a lot better growing up I think you're kind of like a mother to them that sounds like yes yeah is your mother still alive mm-hmm do you guys have a relationship no I haven't talked to her it's been three or four years since I've actually talked to her yeah it's a little although um it's I have like a love-hate relationship about it or like feeling about it I guess just because she's so toxic that like you have to get that toxicity out of your life I feel like it doesn't matter who it is it could be family members or not so I think it's important that you keep that out of your life but sometimes it is hard like on holidays or my birthday you know I don't hear from her at all and it's like is is it so easy for you to just not talk to your children you know what I mean but at the same time it's like it's probably better that way you know don't you talk to your sisters mm-hmm no no there's a lot of drama but yeah so now she doesn't talk to anyone what about your dad so that's a completely different story but yeah we don't have a relationship either so mm-hmm no he texted me on my birthday but that's pretty much it yeah we don't really have a relationship what what happened well my stepmom and I just don't get along it's a long story but that's pretty much it and we just have an unstable relationship and I think half of it has to do with my instability with BPD and I think now that I'm older and I can reflect on some of the things that have happened I think I'm to blame for some things but at the same time I think as an adult and as a parent like there's things that they could have done differently so I just kind of got fed up with things and was just like I'm not dealing with this anymore it doesn't matter if you're my parent you know I'm just done if you're gonna be you know lame I'm not gonna have you in my life so that's pretty much it I understand that it's a it's a tough call to make the choice to cut a family member out of your life it's so hard but if they're not adding value and if they're like you said are toxic mm-hmm it often is the best choice yeah and it's a very hard choice to make for sure because I have people to ask me all the time how how do you do it and I I don't know it's so difficult but eventually you have to get fed up enough to where you're like I don't deserve this you know so and your sisters have a relationship with them no what about you and your sisters yeah we talk all the time yeah so they are in Florida right now with my youngest sisters dad so they all live together out there but yeah they're doing really well well in this stage of your life you didn't know you had BPD right were you seeking out any mental health treatments I didn't start seeking out any treatment until I was 19 when I finally knew that like I knew there's something going on because I didn't know that I was so angry and I was in a really toxic relationship and I would go from zero to a hundred and go from totally fine to a rage within an hour you know what I mean like it would I would be really crazy at one point and then be fine within the next 15 minutes so it was super unstable and I knew something's off I'm punching holes in walls and breaking doors I'm you know rage all the time so didn't think oh well it's because I'm dating this guy who's really talked to you yeah I know I didn't you know there was something deeper than that yeah yeah definitely that's really powerful yeah because as people we look for reasons right I'm angry because I'm in traffic I'm sandy this person called me of this name or whatever so if so the natural instinct I believe for people is to point at something else on white they are feeling that way but you did the very brave thing and the very honest thing of pointing at yourself yeah and saying I'm I need help yep yep well and I had seen my mom growing up have these mental problems and she never took care of it so I was always like I'm not gonna be that way I want to know what the problem is so I can fix it type thing so I finally got enough courage to go to the doctor and start figuring it out but that's why that's what motivated me was my mom not getting treatment or being often on treatment and I was just like I don't want that for my life it's so unstable you know so exciting yeah yeah let alone they understand they don't they the fact that you had that self-awareness is incredible to me thank you do you recognize that or do you think now that's just no that's of course um I don't know I I yeah I guess not I wasn't self-aware not like no idea what's going on and you actually took it into your own hands mhm now you went to a doctor yes a primary care physician yes I did I haven't had insurance like my whole life so I didn't even know where to start so I did my research and I went to a regular doctor and then they told me to go to a psychiatrist that's good and then just down the line got went to psychiatrists and a therapist I completed an interview with dr. Judy ho on substance abuse and depression during that interview we learned that about 74 percent of people first go to a primary care doctor to get any mental health help yep and while your doctor did the right thing of referring you to a psychiatrist there are many primary care physicians who just write you a script right there and send you on your way perhaps not properly diagnosing you right you went to this psychiatrist mhm you didn't get the right diagnosis right diagnosis did you get bipolar bipolar which often happens with people with BPD is they get misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder I can't explain what bipolar disorder is so bipolar disorder is from from what I know going from zero to 100 real quick like just being super happy and then angry but with BPD it's can go within the hour I guess I don't know really exactly how to explain it but just having instability with your emotions and your mood so you can be manic for hours and be up and you know happy and getting a lot of things done and then it can that can last for days and then all of a sudden you can be down for days as well so I I know there's a lot of mania with it so that's what they thought I was having like me going in a rage and everything they thought I was just being manic which was not the case well in our med circle series with dr. Sportelli we go into the details of bipolar one and bipolar two disorder so for bed circle members make sure you check that out this misdiagnosis caused you to seek out or get the wrong type of treatment which of course I'm assuming did not help your situation at all so in our next episode we're going to dive in to what that misdiagnosis was more in-depth and also what that did to Sammy it's a brave girl self-aware at 19 are you self-aware right now come see our second episode med circle calm thanks for watching thanks for watching if you liked what you just saw then why not subscribe click right here for new episodes and new series every week and to access exclusive mental health videos that we only release at Med circle comm check out the links below [Music] you

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 98,981

Keywords: borderline personality disorder, bpd, borderline, personality, disorder, disorders, personality disorder, sammy grimm, kyle kittleson, medcircle, 9 traits, eupd, bipolar disorder, interview, sammy marie grimm bpd, ramani, durvasula, diagnosis, psychology, expert, patient, mood, fear, relationships, behavior, emotion, anxiety, childhood, suicidal, thoughts, behaviors, dissociative identity disorder, mental illness, mental health, conversation, trait, instability, help, anger, dr ramani, dr. ramani, discussion

Id: 0VcZF_GkW9A

Length: 16min 21sec (981 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 17 2019