Living With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

by the time I got diagnosed which was about at age 25 I had already had like serious attempts to end my life the way I got my diagnosis was actually after my first house during my first hospitalization they told me I wouldn't get discharged unless I agreed to go to a therapist within the hospital and I at that point I was like you know what this is this is crazy like I can't I'm gonna die if I don't take care of this and I wanted to get better at that point they did tell me that I'm going to have it for the rest of my life and I basically thought that I'll never get better and I didn't know how I was gonna live like that it was just an impossible way to live just getting worse and worse yeah turns out I did get better but I didn't realize that at the time that it was going to be possible foreign [Music] welcome to Med circles it's all in your head podcast I'm your host Jackie colbeth and it's great to be with you today we'll be featuring part two of a two-part series focusing on borderline personality disorder from the perspective of someone who's living with BPD Sarah Rosenberg Sarah was diagnosed with BPD and she shares with us the different ways that manifested itself in her life in the hard yet very rewarding work she did on her road to recovery professionally Sarah is a licensed financial advisor and one of the vice presidents of emotions matter board of directors overseeing programs and operations Sarah is an inspiration to so many and we are so excited she took time out of her very busy schedule to chat with us Sarah welcome to it's all in your head Sarah thank you so much for being here with us today it's really great to have you on thank you so much for having me I really appreciate the opportunity to talk about my BPD Journey share with everybody well I know our audience is going to get a lot out of it so we'll uh Dive Right In so I guess starting at the beginning when did your struggles with BPD begin sure as far as I remember was early teenage years um pretty much I always had this distorted sense of self I really didn't understand who I was I thought everything that happened was my fault I had a lot of anger outbursts always just reacting like super negative to everything um I had you know in school I was like really popular and I did really well and you know everything seemed fine but then like once a year I would have this crazy anger episode that would kind of come and go but nobody really forgot about it so I was like that girl who was awesome and everything but just a little crazy um I can relate so I mean that was like the beginning of it I just um I really just didn't think I had a problem but at the same time I thought that everything was my fault it was just this super weird like not understanding what's going on yep um and then later on in my later teenage years um it became it became more obvious I was having more outbursts I would like ruin family functions just go crazy like at a family dinner and stuff and just like storm out um and you know everybody kind of felt bad for me and they wanted to help me but I did not want to admit that I had a problem so when I was in high school like in the 11th grade um I had this terrible episode and the principal stepped in at that point I mean I don't know why they didn't step in years earlier but um she stepped in and she forced me to go to therapy and I refused to go but there was no choice I wasn't going to be able to go back to school if I didn't go to therapy so I just basically went and I sat there and just stared at the therapist and didn't say a word um and then basically they let me go back to school but I just that was the last year I ended up going to a seminary in England uh my family is Jewish so we went to a you know I went to an Orthodox Jewish seminary in England um where it got even worse um I don't know why I don't know how it developed exactly but I remember one of the girls telling me that they she's she'd never seen anybody get as angry as me and again I was popular but everybody thought I was crazy and um one time I was you know threatening to end my life and I got hurt in between it really wasn't related but I did get hurt and they had to call an ambulance and then they they again they said you know if you don't go to therapy you can't come back to the Seminary and I didn't want to go to therapy so that was that like I just didn't um go back to the Seminary at all so that was you know the beginning the beginning stages of it so definitely as far as symptoms for you it would manifest then is anger and then like a lot of just self-punishment of you know all me all me all me yeah exactly did you struggle with any other symptoms during that time or do you think that was just predominantly how it manifested itself with you that was mostly how it was um there was a lot of like Suicidal Thoughts yep um I didn't really ever want to do it in my teenage years but I would threaten many times that I'm gonna do it I I felt like I didn't want to live but I didn't really have like the guts to actually do it or to try it um but I did I did threaten that a lot of times and like you know people didn't know how to react to that um but it would come and go yeah so it would probably be fair then to say when you were diagnosed and I can certainly relate to this it was not a feeling of relief or oh great this is you know something that explains a lot in in uh you know some people seem to uh when they're diagnosed with any mental health conditions some people seem very or at least more receptive um but would it be accurate to say when you were diagnosed it was just something that you were diagnosed with but um probably initially no interest in really diving in well by the time I got diagnosed which was about at age 25 I had already had like serious attempts to end my life things had gotten a lot worse um I had been in an arranged marriage where um you know my ex-husband forced me to go to therapy and then we ended up getting divorced because he couldn't handle my my mood swings and you know my suicidal threats and um it was it was really really bad at that point and um the way I got my diagnosis was actually after my first half during my first hospitalization they told me I wouldn't get discharged unless I agree agreed to go to a therapist within the hospital and I at that point I was like you know what this is this is crazy like I can't I I'm gonna die if I don't take care of this and I wanted to get better at that point so I did agree to go to the to go to the therapy appointment and I got diagnosed pretty much immediately and I was kind of relieved I was like oh so there's a reason why I'm crazy like right I'm not just I'm not just different than everybody else there are other people that have the same problem as me but they did tell me that I'm gonna have it for the rest of my life and I basically thought that I'll never get better and I didn't know how I was gonna live like that it was just an impossible way to live just getting worse and worse um so it was it was devastating to know that like this is gonna be forever yeah turns out I did get better but I didn't realize that at the time that it was going to be possible yeah well that's certainly a daunting you know thing I remember I remember it yesterday when I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and you know I like yourself refused to speak during the first uh few therapy sessions I I uh a lot of Shame a lot of I don't wanna I don't want this label I don't want this to be forever um so can definitely relate to all those feelings for Recovery in in moving into that phase what what did that look like for you yes so we started right away with DBT therapy it was super intense three times a week in person at the hospital wow um so it was like taking like a college course we had a thick book and every day we would go through like a different kind of scenario of something that can come up emotionally and discuss like why we react in a certain way versus how we're supposed to react and then we had homework every time and we had to see within the next you know couple of days when that kind of situation came up and figure out if we can handle it the right way or not and we would have to like write it down and then we would come back and review it so it was like a year long of really intense therapy and during that time I was doing once a week there you know one-on-one therapy and I really I took it very very seriously and like I'm I'm into like studying and I'm very good you know with stuff like that so I just took it super seriously and really understood what I had to do to get better in that first year I mean I don't I don't remember getting better but I I understood a lot of things um but then it took some time after that with another five years or another four years about of one-on-one therapy and my therapist just taught me how to react to different situations and then I mean I still I would call her in the middle of the night with crazy thoughts and she would have to talk me down the ledge pretty much um and eventually I would come into the therapy groups and I would tell her what happened you know during that week and she she was like well you handled it the way I would have told you to handle it so it started getting better and like I I started focusing on the little achievements like each time I was able to get over a small episode where I was able to handle the episode just a little bit better than I would have handled it in the past I really I was proud of myself and I said okay I can do this and eventually after years I realized that I can get better and that I just have to keep trying and keep pushing and you know it was sometimes you know one step forward 10 steps back but I just kept doing it and kept doing it and I just said you know I can't I'm not gonna be able to live like this I'm either gonna die or I have to get better I I can't continue living like this yeah you you definitely described a lot of work that you put into this certainly very intensive therapy but it sounds like you had an unbelievable support system with that therapist and with that group how did friends and family receive this dude were you surprised by any reactions or pleasantly unpleasantly just different people in your life when you open up to them outside of uh your therapist yeah I mean support was the biggest thing for me my family is I mean still is so so so supportive uh my family like I said is they're Orthodox Jews and I left the religion that's so you know that was a big divide um where you know they they weren't happy that I left but they really just focused on my health and they didn't bother me about not being religious they just wanted me to be better and you know during my hospitalizations they would all come visit me and bring me food and and they always said you know we always knew you had a problem but now you're taking care of it and you're fixing it and you're getting better and they just pushed me and supported me they didn't even understand really what BPD was even till today they don't really understand uh they never like did any research or anything they just showed me that they loved me all the time no matter what they didn't necessarily know the right thing to say but they just I knew that they loved me versus back in the day I didn't understand that I used to think that they hated me so it took a long time but their support just meant the world to me and I always wanted to show them that they were right that they believed in me and they had a good reason to believe in me because I was getting better and honestly at this point they're so proud of me I come to family functions and I'm smiling and I'm complimenting everybody and I'm having a good time and they're just happy that I'm happy they don't even care that I'm not religious like they it's an unbelievable you know turn of events but it's it's really amazing their support as far as friends went I didn't really like notice friends like having a problem with me after episodes like my friends were really just supportive in like a quieter way we wouldn't talk about it as much I mean as the years have gone by I talk about BPD all the time yep all the time but back then um they just they just didn't leave me you know they didn't say okay you're too crazy we can't be your friend so that was that in itself was was a big support um and and then you know lately in the last uh four plus years I've had emotions matter as my biggest support system awesome um yeah like that's what drives me every single day um being you know the second vice president their emotions matter is such an honor to me and it's kind of unbelievable that you know I was I used to be suicidal and so miserable and so I hated myself and here I am being able to help other people going through the same things that I went through and I feel so empowered that I was able to go from from such a low place to such a good place and just that that fact it just gives me energy and and you know like the strength to always just push forward um they're so warm it's a family everybody feels connected welcome understood um there's no shame involved everybody you know understands we're all going through the same thing I'm also a support group facilitator so awesome you know we have only peers are the the facilitators and I sit in these groups and the emotions that come up I it's it's it's heart-wrenching it's really so um it's it's just so sad to see what people go through and I remember all those feelings myself and I try to encourage people that like I got better recovery is possible um I I want them to to see like in real life that somebody got better so I you know I validate their feelings their emotions now um but I also tell them like that it's that it could get better so that's like this huge support for me that I probably wouldn't be able to be anything like I am if not for emotions matter and that's an awesome segue because knowing what I know about emotions matter and we're going to be speaking with one of the founders later on um knowledge is power right and stigmas are born out of ignorance and a lot of times when people are diagnosed um there isn't a ton of information at their fingertips it might be in medical textbooks um you Dove right in which I love in in just wanted to consume and educate yourself on that and then in turn you get to be the shining example and in the hopeful face for anybody else who's struggling and I can certainly relate to that when I was going through treatment for my alcoholism the single thing that helped me the most was literally just listening to somebody else to appear who had similar struggles to me and they really got it right on on that level and with emotions matter for those who might not know um a ton about it and we're we're going to be bringing more information about it I was so impressed because it is such a knowledge based organization there's great education there's so much I learned just uh going through the different material your website speaking to people there and I'm wondering if you felt the same way that when you met someone else with BPD it was really a pivotal part of your recovery yeah absolutely um you know you have you go through I mean I went through the illness feeling a lot of emotions but when I heard other people describing my emotions in their words and it made so much sense you know the comparisons that they would make and just the descriptive language and I was like yes that's exactly how I feel and yeah it's an unbelievable validation that there are other people like me it's just incredible and you know one of the things um we we have one of the the events that we have in emotions matter is an art show yeah we've done a few times and we have one coming up and that's just so emotional when you see the like the way people with BPD Express themselves through ART and like I'm not an artist but when I see these depictions I'm like that's exactly how I feel how do they know but it's it's just that connection and it's it's just incredible to see yeah I I was scrolling through and and I always love looking um at art that anyone who struggles I like you I really don't have an artistic bone in my body but I always admire people who can really capture um that within a picture and I'm not gonna lie just some of the images for your art show this year they were so beautiful I mean a few of them um you know almost brought me to tears it to just how perfectly you know they really captured feelings within a picture and emotions matter how did you find this place um so I had this one friend with BPD who I had actually met in the hospital um and her therapist had told her about emotions matter and it was a little over four years ago that she invited me to go to the walk for BPD yep and you know I didn't really know many people with BPD I didn't really know that there was an organization like that and I went and I just I was blown away immediately like the speeches and just talking to people and there was this whole group of like a hundred people with either with BPD or had a loved one with BPD or a clinician everybody understood me yeah yeah and I was like this is amazing like I need to be a part of this like all the time like I just want to be around these people like it was it was an incredible feeling of of being accepted and it was just like a family and I remember that first day I just went over to the you know I signed up to be a volunteer and I just wanted to be involved and I was already in recovery at that point I was feeling good and I wanted to help other people um but I had no idea how much this organization was going to help me in the future just to keep me going because you know you can get better and then you can go backwards and obviously I don't want to do that um so this you know going to that walk it changed my life it really did and and what I love about your story Sarah is you you went from patient to Advocate right I mean you're you're the living representation of of what it is like to have an acceptance and live an extremely fulfilling life and so when you dove in and you started emotions matter I have noticed you've certainly moved up the ranks which I think is a a really cool experience so I'm hoping you can tell our audience just a little bit more about the roles that you've had there and and what you do with them today sure so I started out going to some in-person um connections groups where it was it was more like a fun activity type of um group um it was amazing back then before covid when we were able to have in-person events and I would go to each one every month and then they started asking me to like lead some stuff so I would you know lead introductions or lead a game and I guess they saw that I had the leadership qualities and yeah one of these events you know months later I I'll never forget it you know Paula the executive director asked me if I would be on the board and wow I had never been on a board of anything and it was the most validating moment just you want me on your board like it was incredible and you know emotions matter is all about pure you know peers running the programs and peers running everything and obviously they wanted somebody with lived experience of BPD to be involved in a higher level so I joined the board and it was just so passionate about helping other people and I brought this this younger energy onto the board and like I brought you know some something new and they really appreciated that and as time went on I was I was very involved in fundraising um so I brought a lot to the organization and and then you know at one point she asked me to be the second vice president and of course I was completely honored and excited and and I take this role super seriously every day it's it's really the most important thing in my life I I really feel amazing just especially like hearing what people say after our events and even after just our groups how how much we help them some people are just really at the end of their rope literally and they come to our group or they're or our event and it changes their life or I could say saves their life so it's just so beautiful to see that I am that I have a hand in that so it's it's it's the best thing oh and and I love that because I know a lot of people who are diagnosed struggle with any sort of mental health it's sort of that feeling of you know will I be able to contribute anything really awesome to society you know early on in the recovery you know um how's that going to look for me and and I love that you are such a great example of um really busting that what I'd call stinking thinking um to shreds because you were able like you said to to come up within an organization put off your passion into there and then in turn uh end up with a role in in being on a board and being vice president that um it's just a really inspiring um story and I know that a lot of people in our audience um and really the whole foundation of the it's all in your head pop is to show that really is to show the experience strength and hope um that anybody who's diagnosed with anything can have you're certainly not relegated um to any sort of you know mediocre life um I would ask how you're doing today but I think I think I already know it looks like you're doing great but um how are you feeling today I mean I wouldn't have never imagined that I could be this happy just it was an impossible thing back in the day I mean I I do feel like I'm happier than your average person who doesn't necessarily have a mental illness right I I feel like the challenges that I've overcome were so difficult and now that I didn't I'm so proud of myself and I'm not I'm not embarrassed to say that I'm really proud I feel like like very powerful and I feel like I can achieve anything I want and nothing's gonna ever stop me um I have like like I was saying earlier I have the most amazing relationship with my family um I I have an amazing career in finance that's awesome it's things just are really working out because I I put in the hard work and I just keep believing in myself yep and and I think that's so important to highlight and I'm glad that you do you know um there's a lot of hard work that has to be put in and and it can be daunting for sure but just being able to to see the smile the energy you know that's not anything people can fake in in really um you're such a beacon in attraction you know for what the hope that anyone who's diagnosed with this um can achieve which is very special I'm wondering what what would you say the biggest misconception maybe of borderline personality disorder would be I know that there is a lot of ignorance on different uh mental health disorders which we love to to uh bust and and I'm wondering if um you could share with us any you know um maybe ignorant Reflections or inaccurate I should say um in the way of misconceptions about this sure I think a lot of people think that people with BPD are looking for attention Okay it's you know with the suicide attempts um just the big outbursts people think that and it's it's completely not the case it may seem that way but we are we are in so much pain and this is the way our brains are reacting it's not on purpose you know we're not trying we're not planning this stuff out we're not trying to do things in this crazy loud you know Manner and just bursting out with anger we're not trying to do that we don't want to do that ever right but it just that's how our brains react and we have to work on not being that way but when we have an episode it's it's not it's not like purposely trying to look for attention so that's that's just something that really really bothers me um people think and it's really hard to explain like how that works because somebody that doesn't have the disorder just you can't really understand it but it's it's just a you know the reaction in the brain that's it just takes takes over really there's no control yeah it see it seems to be very Insidious in that respect almost you know an amalgamation of different symptoms from different mental health disorders and and coupled with two um people have Personalities in in their character right and then they have the behaviors that the disorders in control of to your point and these things are happening I'm not trying to make them happen right the this is this is part um of the pain that you would go through so we have our personalities our god-given character and then we have the diagnosis and I think a lot of people have trouble sort of discerning well what what is me and just my personality and what is part of the disorder so for instance I'm Italian I thought my anger Outburst were really just because I was spunky and fired and and passionate was the word that I would like to use and and while that's all true that's part of my personality but it can also um manifest is part of my illness so I'm wondering if you had a similar struggle really kind of deciphering well what's Sarah and what's the BPD we never really thought about it exactly like that um I think that if I look back at the way I reacted to a certain situation and it it wasn't it wasn't the reaction that would that would get the the result that I wanted then that's the BPD you know like I can be very loud sometimes like I have a very big personality and it's not a problem sometimes but when I do it in a negative way and a way that in my heart I'm just you know I'm feeling shame I'm feeling I'm feeling this insecurity that's the BPD um and and you know sometimes it's very blurred but but that's okay because I don't have to be perfect and I don't you know I don't feel like I have to always differentiate or anything like that like BPD is part of who I am and it's it's fine you know I I don't I don't feel that if I have an episode you know if I handle it decently even if it's something that maybe other people wouldn't do I don't feel that I'm a terrible person like I'm I'm me I have BPD I will you know always struggle with reactions to situations sure and it's okay it's okay you know I don't have to necessarily um think that it's a bad thing because this is part of who I am and I still have an amazing life and people love me and it's all good I'm not I'm not perfect that's awesome that's awesome advice if if there's anything you would say to your younger self what would that be in the moment that you were diagnosed in in the early struggle um what what advice if any would you have given younger Sarah listen to the people who are trying to help you people care about you people love you they want the best for you they're not they're not being mean or hating you they really care about you and just accept it and appreciate it and and take what you can get because you know not everybody has the support but I did and um you know just to I wish I understood that I can I could get better and that once I once I would get better life would be so much so much more amazing and you know it's worth the work basically just it's so hard I mean every day every minute I'm you know still like just having to control everything right um because my natural reaction is is just you know the way my brain works it's it's not it's not conducive to having a good relationship with anybody or you know being in public or whatever like I I just I just wish I understood that I I could get better yeah sometimes I think uh early on in different diagnoses um you almost feel like Health hurts um you don't quite know how to accept that and there there's a lot of fight against um the one thing that can really bring you um that freedom so that was beautifully um Illustrated and something we ask everybody is anybody who's struggling in our audience today either with an early diagnosis of BPD or or maybe they suspect they might be struggling with it to those who who are really you know in the throes right now who might be watching this what is the best piece um of advice that you could give to them in that moment you're not alone you're not alone you're not crazy there is help out there there's support in lots of different ways and I would say that you know keep pushing forward like you can do this you really really can do this you just have to keep believing in yourself and with BPD it's really hard to believe in yourself but you have to push yourself and um you know the main thing that really has worked for me is changing negative thoughts to positive thoughts and it's kind of a process that took me years to perfect I mean I can't say perfect because I'm not I'm not there yet either but you know with BPD automatically your brain goes to the negative yeah and when you have a negative thought you're going to have a negative reaction and basically what I did was and this is what I learned in therapy um you have to notice when the negative thought comes up and once you notice it the next step is to stop it and the next step is to change it to a positive thought and honestly it took me years years to be able to do that but if I was able to do it once per day or or even once per week then it pushed me to be able to do it again and again and again and now I just I just notice it sometimes I'll get angry for five or ten seconds but it won't be it won't be an episode because I notice it and I just you know I just try to smile and I try to think of something positive and sometimes sometimes it's a negative thing that happened and it's so hard to think positively but sometimes I'll come up with some crazy outrageous positive thought that really makes no sense but I'm like What's the difference I might as well just think something positive so that I can smile and be happy and react in a nice way so that people you know want to be around me and and you know like just be normal basically so the negative to the positive is is is a huge piece of advice that I would I would definitely give people well that's great I know they would definitely appreciate that you know coming from you someone who knows this well and um I just wanna thank you so much for coming on and sharing deeply personal general information in you're an impressive woman Sarah I definitely have to say Your Enthusiasm um for for getting better in the work that you put in really really is inspiring I I think that might not be a route a lot of people think they have the capacity to to have but to your point you know if you can do it and you can put the work in um you know people can see these great results so we definitely wish you all the best and don't be a stranger thank you so much I'm so glad I was able to share my story it was really great experience thank you thank you all for joining our conversation with Sarah today while we know more today than we ever did before about borderline personality disorder it's important to continue to share people's lived experiences with the diagnosis Sarah's candid account of how BPD affected her life along with the very hard work she put into therapy highlights that no matter what someone is diagnosed with that does not preclude them from living their best life becoming involved with organizations that both educate and support people with this diagnosis offered Sarah the strength and confidence she needed to tackle anything life through her way including BPD I really hope you enjoyed our conversation if you visit medcircle.com you can access tons of other convos including weekly workshops with our credentialed doctors an award-winning video Library featuring almost 1 000 educational videos become a member of our community today visit medcircle.com to learn more and thank you for listening to it's all in your head

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 21,295

Keywords: borderline personality disorder, bpd, borderline, personality, disorder, personality disorder, personality disorders, disorders, eupd, mental health, mental illness, psychology, dr ramani, borderline personality disorder interview, kyle kittleson, dr. ramani, medcircle, ramani durvasula, anxiety, depression, help, discussion, conversation, behavior, emotion, health, psychologist, podcast, interview, youtube, video

Id: mdX1X6HiaE8

Length: 37min 26sec (2246 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 23 2023