What It's Like to Live With Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[Music] hey real quick I know mental health is complicated and overwhelming but med circle can make your next step in easy one when you go to med circle you'll get simple explanations and actionable advice on the mental health topics that matter to you and those that you love visit med circle comm and start your mental health journey right now Sammy grim has seen the current broken mental health care model firsthand falling prey to two different misdiagnosis she has since taken a very proactive role in her own mental health care and has fought for the right diagnosis of borderline personality disorder this is her story we just talked about your whole story yes what a roller coaster ride I know isn't it I mean some people think their life is tough when the food order comes and wrong and year you had a Borah bipolar disorder from two different psychiatrist that was incorrect yeah it was rough what was that like it was very frustrating because I knew there was something else wrong and that there was something it just didn't make sense it didn't click and when I finally got the right diagnosis I was like oh it finally clicks it makes sense to me yeah it was so frustrating though how does borderline personality disorder affect your behavior I'm there's so many so I'll just start yeah I'm very impulsive so right now I have a normal hair color but I go from not having a sense of identity so impulsively I will dye my hair you know all different kinds of colors because I don't know who I am one week and I I don't know I just try and identify with different things if that makes sense so there's that I have I'm constantly terrified that people are going to leave me like my boyfriend I'm I have dealt with like abandonment so much in my life that I think that has a huge you know good contribution to like how I am today with that I'm constantly worried about him leaving me or you know my friends leaving me um I do what's called splitting which is black and white thinking so I will go from really loving someone like one of my friends wanting to talk to them all the time like you know placing them on a pedestal pretty much and then if they do something wrong or if they make me feel bad or they don't text me back I'll go from loving them to absolutely hating them I guess you could say and that is a roller coaster in itself and it's like so overwhelming at times and the way I feel it's so intense and that's all like that's all I can like describe you know what I mean like it's such an intense feeling because people will be like yeah everyone gets mad when someone doesn't text the Mac and I'm like no you may be upset but you're able to get past it within the hour most of the time you know I don't know but me I will stew on it all day and I'll just be like I hate them so much like they're they must hate me like they don't want to talk to me ever again like and it goes from zero to a hundred and it's just crazy you know I've dealt with self-harm I'm actually like three month self-harm free so alright and that was like a huge thing just like self harming and hurting myself was such a big contribution to how I was doing in 2017 so there's that and because in 2017 you had a very depressed exactly really really bad I want to go to where we talked about in that episode and let the viewers have a little insight look here on some of the things you were going through so let's take a look at that you start to go to therapy you get on the medication how does your life change it I thought was going to be for the better at first so this was we're getting into 2017 at this point so at first I was like super excited because I was like I finally have a diagnosis yes you know and then it kind of started to hit me that this is a very kind of serious diagnosis and now that I know about it I was like really researching and you know really getting into the internet with this and then I was reading what other people thought about people with BPD which is a be careful with that exactly careful with that so it's so stigmatized and I I don't know it kind of threw me for a loop I guess you could say and I got really really really depressed and to the point where I was in bed for eight months and I couldn't work I and I've had really bad unstable time with working so every year or so I would leave my job and find a new job and I would have really bad relationships with the doctors I was working with so I was a registered dental assistant for seven years and every year I was in a new office because I was so unstable with it I guess and my relationships with doctors and my co-workers was terrible so I was always trying to find a better place when really I was the problem as well and I would didn't realize that so 2017 happened I quit my job and I was just in bed and I didn't I don't know exactly why but I was just so just down I guess and I guess I think a lot of it had to do with me realizing what the diagnosis is and just trying to like cope with that I guess but it was very interesting eight months I was down and that was a rough year for you yes but you say now that you on the other side of that yeah and you attribute a lot of that to therapy I believe right Dyke the correct Eichmann right yeah therapy for the correct diagnosis medication for the correct diagnosis a slew of self-care tips and behaviors that you participate in which you go into detail on our last episode and a great support system yeah which includes your boyfriend's Ryan yeah who we got me during the series yes how would you describe your life now I would say I still struggle you know it's a daily thing I guess you could say but I don't know I'm a lot more positive I try and be positive I try and wake up telling myself it's gonna be a great day instead of you know one thing you know upsetting me and me it ruin my day I try and you know if something does upset me I try and pick myself back up I guess you could say because before I would just let it just over over come the day you know so now I just kind of try and pick myself back up and tell myself it's gonna be okay and it's gonna be okay you know and try and just be as positive as possible my boyfriend is a huge factor in that I'm luckily I'm able to communicate with him olara and he has a lot to do with how my how I can come from being in such a terrible mood and making me to much better mood it's pretty crazy the way that we're able to interact and how he can kind of pull me out of that so my support system is huge when it comes to that now growing up you had a what you called a chaotic childhood what made it so chaotic well my mom was just she was you know using drugs and she was mentally ill as well and she wasn't getting the right treatment for herself she wasn't being proactive and trying to you know get help and for her not only for herself but for her kids and I think that really contributed to you know where I was and where I am today honestly so drug use and moving all the time like like I said we never stayed in a place for more than a year I went to over 14 different schools growing up before high school I went to 14 different before high school yeah I went to one high school but before then I went to 14 different elementary schools yeah it was just so unstable mm-hmm I didn't ask you this in the series but I'm gonna ask you know you're not a therapist or psychiatrist but do you believe that your borderline personality disorder was something that you were born with or was it something that you developed because you had such a chaotic childhood that's a good question I think for sure that it was because I had a chaotic childhood I think it's possibility that it may have been you know in my genes or whatever but I think for sure that contributed to it I think maybe coincidentally I had it before but I think definitely my childhood has something to do with it if you had had what we would consider a traditional or normal childhood do you think you would get the borderline personality disorder diagnosis I don't know maybe I don't know you were able to have my big takeaway okay from this series was that you were so self-aware at such a young age that you knew you had to go and fight for yourself to make a change so you didn't repeat the patterns of your parents yep so that you could have a life better than you were living yes why do you think you had that I think just watching my mom go through such a unstable part of her life like my whole entire life she was just unstable and I didn't want that and I was constantly picking up her messes you know and trying to take care of my sisters and it was just so like I said earlier chaotic that I was like I'm not going to live like this you know I'm not gonna put my future children or my family members you know my I don't want my relationships to suffer from that and I want to be able to know how to help myself so in turn it will help others who have to interact with me you know and after seeing my mom and her interactions with people on how terrible they were I was like that is not gonna be me so that really pushed me and motivated me to want to get treatment so great for you to handle that situation like that because a lot of other people be in that same situation and they wouldn't have what I call that self-awareness to make a decision a better decision for themselves they would just go down that road yeah yeah when you finally get the correct diagnosis and in the series we go into depth about how you were misdiagnosed two times and what that was like and people can watch the series to get that but when you got that correct diagnosis of borderline personality disorder what did you feel like I was like super super happy first cuz I was like yes I finally have something like tangible that I can figure out like I can try and fix I can work towards I can you know go to therapy I could now I know what how to fix it you know but at the same time I was like a little overwhelmed and like kind of scared because I was like oh no what does this mean for me in the future so it was kind of a mix of that and you know not knowing what the future is going to be holding for me and yeah it was just a mix of like confusion and being excited about you know finally realizing what the heck is wrong with me you mentioned before we even sat down mm-hmm you said hey just so you know I might dissociate yes so if I do and I said go for it right what is that and what does it feel like so a dissociation is the way I can describe it is like I will blank out kind of and kind of go in a state where I can't hear anything that you're saying sometimes I will like blackout and go completely somewhere else so my therapist told me that when that happens it's because back in the day like if I was going through something traumatic that I would dissociate then and then if something triggers me now like being nervous or like scared you know that I might trigger me to completely dissociate and not know what you're saying completely like blank out kind of like a numb state I guess and then eventually I can come to and then I have no idea what you have said or you know what is going on pretty much which happens pretty frequently what's frequently I would say for me it's kind of like better but it used to be every single day now it's at least three to four times a week probably so it's getting a lot better and I think therapy has definitely helped me with that for sure for the people who will watch this what do you hope they'll get out of it I hope that I was able to help reduce the stigma yeah please you've got shot that from the room no because it's especially out of all the mental health disorders mm-hmm either people don't know about that one right or they have such a warped opinion of what it is crazy yeah we shot some videos with dr. Romani on borderline personality disorder hey watch you know I mentioned it feels like this isn't what it should even be called right yeah the name itself is Miss Lee yeah so sorry no yes I agree yeah it's take mistake miss Emma okay what else what else um and just to know that if you're struggling that you need to put yourself first and you need to try and get help for yourself there's tons of resources you can use you know I myself don't have medical insurance and I still AM able to find really good resources you know to help me with that and there's really no excuse and that's what I try and tell my followers is you know if they're you know they don't know where to start I tell them that and you know there's no excuse at this point like you're old enough you know something's wrong you need to help yourself for not only yourself but for the people around you or for your family and your friends because it's not only difficult for you but it's difficult for the people around you you know and you have to want to help yourself and other people that's dealing with it you know good yeah I also just loved loved what you said in the last episode I am going to plaster it inside my brain which is passion is a form of self-care absolutely yes and I never thought of it that way mm-hmm I always advocate that myself and everybody find their purpose find their passion do what they love but it when you look at it as a form of self-care it takes the importance level from here to just a must right you've got you have to you have to do it mm-hmm I was so good thank you so good it's so true anything else I should be no asking saying my brain is just you know I got no talked along I know we covered your whole love you know I loved well you can watch this series at med circle dot-com exclusively for you a med circle member I'm Kyle Kittleson and remember whatever you're going through you got this [Music]

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 931,706

Rating: 4.9241014 out of 5

Keywords: borderline personality disorder, bpd, eupd, mental health, personality disorders, mental illness, borderline, personality, disorder, bipolar disorder, interview, sammy grimm, sammy marie grimm bpd, ramani, durvasula, psychology, expert, patient, mood, fear, relationships, behavior, antisocial, good, evil, emotion, depression, anxiety, suicidal, thoughts, behaviors, documentary, podcast, conversation, talk show, trait, instability, help, anger, dr ramani, ramani durvasula, dr. ramani, discussion, youtube, video, 2019

Id: acGcQQ1X74M

Length: 15min 34sec (934 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 21 2019