HOLMES & WATSON - Comedy At Its Worst | Cynical Reviews

i have no mouth and i must scream [Music] i was saying the other day because people have said some really nasty things about house of watson and say it's a load of rubbish and everything but i think you know in 20 years time when the the dust has settled and people are able to look at homes and watson objectively i think people will say it's still rubbish there you go that's what i think holmes and watson has to be the worst comedy i've ever seen and that's not just my opinion after some appalling test screenings sony knew they had a stinker on their hands and unsuccessfully tried to sell the rights to netflix and the fact that netflix of all companies turned them down tells you everything you need to know they released it right at the end of 2018 probably so that it would stay off everybody's list of the worst films of that year well i'm not letting you get away with it you little sh because this was one of the worst cinematic experiences i've ever had everything about it irritated me and it kept finding new ways to make my skin crawl it's a spoof of the sherlock holmes franchise now i won't pretend to be overly familiar with the source material but from what little i do know of it they couldn't have shut all over sir arthur conan doyle's creation any harder if they woofed down a vindaloo curry overdosed on xlax and gave themselves an enema because their idea of parodying the world famous detective and his companion dr watson is to have them act like complete idiots this is character assassination at its finest this holmes is an overdramatic narcissist whose eccentricities and supposedly exemplary detective skills are exaggerated to the point of absurdity but without any of the charm or humor that should justify this to the point where it's impossible for me to believe that this person would be regarded with such high esteem by his contemporaries it's like seeing kevin james as the us president just no the film also couldn't decide what kind of homes it wants to portray sometimes he's a brilliant super genius and other times he's an inept [ __ ] for no good reason he's also a complete prick especially to watson who has always been holmes's intellectual and professional subordinate but in this he's holmes's [ __ ] that's what he is he sings sherlock's praises at every opportunity and longs to have his babies despite holmes's repeated put downs and humiliations you lack the self-esteem to buy yourself such an extravagant bottle it's true i don't deserve nice things it's like watching someone with stockholm syndrome it's not funny it's just disturbing he's also stunningly incompetent until the very end when he needs to not be the result is that both the protagonists are completely unlikable and we have no reason to get invested in them or care what happens to them it doesn't help that they were incredibly miscast will ferrell's over-the-top manchild routine might have worked in films like elf or zoolander but here it's just obnoxious and john c reilly as watson why i guess it's because they worked on previous films together and they thought the chemistry would translate it doesn't and just to make things worse they adopt these absurd english accents and deliberately mispronounce words and get phrases wrong i kill a musketeer the insect is infected with african plague the game is a starting can you imagine what it would be like if i talked like this throughout the entire video do you suppose that this would mark for a great cinematic experience i'm not offended because i really don't care but it was still as irritating as a needle in the ball sack as for the rest of the film's cast just like its intellectual property they're completely wasted ralph fines could have made a brilliant moriarty but he only had a few minutes of screen time and call to work with steve coogan rob brydon and hugh laurie could have added heaps of comedy value and rebecca hall and kelly mcdonald are great actresses but none of them are ever given a chance to really bring their talents to bear and will instead suffer the indignity of having their names associated with this cinematic turd which could have had some redeeming value if it were actually funny you know what i find to take the most attractive photographs you need to purse your lips together like a duck-billed platypus platypus space chin's up which it isn't i feel like no matter what kind of comedy you like there is something for you in this movie but comedy is commonly subjective and no what makes you laugh is subjective some people laugh at animal cruelty and amy schumann that doesn't mean that all comedy is equal if you did like the film good for you i guess now go away but do let me know in the comments what your preferred brand of window cleaner tastes like because that's the level we're on with these jokes there's a couple of decent moments but the rest of the humor is incredibly cheap lazy and low brow conveyed with no charm subtlety or actual wit the vast majority of the jokes can be summed up as either holmes is an idiot watson is an idiot or they're both idiots just so you know what you're getting yourselves into there's one point where watson starts lactating let's say you turn that milk into a meme i [ __ ] dare you there's also some references to contemporary politics which is not necessarily a bad thing as long as they're funny subtle and designed to age well but here it's really ham ham-fisted and on the nose one character even says that's fake news and later holmes watson and some americans discuss american politics in a way that's as original as the average facebook comment and as subtle as a jack boot to the face but you have the electoral college which surely will prevent some trumped-up charlatan from gaining power not always unfortunately america we gave you your freedom and now look what you've done with it now don't get me wrong i dislike trump as much as the next youtube reviewer but there's a reason i've stopped making trump jokes in my videos these jokes will date the film very badly and feel like a cheap way of scoring points from the audience and thereby tricking them into ignoring how bad the rest of the film is a lot of the jokes get dragged out far too long purely to add to the run time in fact much of the film is pointless filler that could have easily been cut out with no discernible difference and leaving me better off by a few billion brain cells the only time i laughed was when lyanna mormont from game of thrones who shows up a bunch of times punched another kid in the face that made me chuckle a bit but the rest of the time i couldn't wait for it to finish i was actually quite shocked to find out that this was written and directed by the same guy who wrote idiocracy and tropic thunder both of which i find hilarious how has he fallen so low but then again how did anyone think this film was a good idea in the first place why did they think that anybody would want to see a parody of sherlock holmes specifically of the films with robert downey jr they're very obviously trying to spoof maybe if holmes and watson had been released eight years earlier when those films were popular people might have actually cared but as it is it's pointless as well as bad but just how bad is it well let's do some investigating shall we if you want an example of how badly the film uses anachronisms and how much they [ __ ] up in general the very first thing we see is a lofty quote which is then attributed to hannah montana if you're wondering i actually watched this episode to find out if this line does appear in it it doesn't see less than one minute in and i'd rather be watching anything else the film opens with a narration by watson in which he tells the audience how amazing sherlock holmes is and how much he wants to suck his dick while holmes sexually harasses a vegetable so this is how they meet watson wants to kill himself holmes wants him to jump into the next garden and watson somehow interprets this as a pep talk the joke is he's an idiot and holmes doesn't care about him how endearing you're right life really is worth living oh look he did a funny thing that no one saw coming rather than kicking him off his property and having him sectioned holmes gets over it very quickly and they become partners some time later moriarty is on trial but all the witnesses have died so he'll be released at exactly 12 o'clock unless holmes shows up to provide crucial evidence but he's [ __ ] around rehearsing for his grand entrance while watson strokes his ego in lieu of his [ __ ] holmes tries on a bunch of silly hats for the funnies we're then introduced to mrs hudson and here she's their servant not their landlady as she is in the books what's weird is that her voice was quite clearly dubbed in post and sometimes it's noticeably out of sync with her mouth movements it's really jarring on that note a lot of the editing in this film is really sloppy and i wasn't always able to compensate for it so there's that as well they receive a mysterious package which contains a single musketeer uh he gets watson to dance a jig so that his body heat will attract the mosquito but they [ __ ] up and end up hitting each other instead the impatient judge threatens to use his gavel even though british judges have never ever used gavels so that can [ __ ] right off the mosquito lands on a beehive which holmes thinks is a good idea to keep in his office he does an intense mental calculation probable outcome termination of mosquito integrity of bee habitat maintained deadly bee swarm averted and guess what he [ __ ] it up so they flail around like idiots watson jumps out of a second story window but suffers no lasting damage he's also now wearing a hat even though he just wasn't completely unscathed he bursts into the trial and starts firing off bullets like a [ __ ] [ __ ] and nobody does anything to stop him even after someone drops dead holmes comes in and starts insulting inspector lestrade then saying how handsome he is before calling his wife all kinds of ugly when she clearly isn't they say her gaze cuddles milk who says that face like a pig's rectum it's meant to be funny because holmes is an idiot and that's meant to be funny he then insults watson by leaving out his contribution to the investigation completely watson reloads his gun like what's he planning to do accidentally kill more people holmes claims that the suspect cannot possibly be moriarty because of the number of fingerprints left at the crime scene moriarty would not have been so careless and this man is in fact a perfect lookalike who agreed to take moriarty's death sentence because he's a chronic masturbator who is wanking himself to death and they spend 30 seconds listing off victorian wanking euphemisms that i'm sure they had a great time brainstorming the suspect is let off everyone cheers and inspector lestrade is pissed off holmes is convinced that moriarty has already fled to america we don't know how he knows this though we're just supposed to accept it back at their office watson is writing a book about their adventures and makes a point to mention that that is his only copy of the manuscript so that when holmes throws his violin in frustration knocking over a candle and burning it it's almost funny almost holmes is upset because without moriarty to pit his wits against there's nothing to challenge him and then they eat onions because they're idiots and then they scream for hudson for like 20 seconds and it's unbelievably obnoxious [Applause] where are you she's late because she's been [ __ ] mark twain they make a recurring joke about her [ __ ] famous historical figures because her being a slot is funny apparently and before you say it if she were a man this still wouldn't be funny i might have saved myself a few hundred comments there moving on they receive a letter which holmes to juices is from queen victoria due to the taste of her saliva i don't even want to know how he knows that so they go to buckingham palace to meet the queen and watson has a fanboy moment that's just painful to watch i love you i know i am duty-bound to serve you but let me just say in a personal note i really like you stop touching us as a fan and goes on way too long it turns out to be a surprise party for holmes but considering how he immediately insults them again the question is begged as to why they even bothered they bring in a cake but it has a dead body inside it which belongs to the witness who is meant to testify against moriarty they also find a threatening letter from moriarty which holmes believes for reasons related to his so far unproven genius is definitely not from moriarty but instead from a copycat so the queen tasks them with finding the real murderer before he can kill her as he threatened to in the letter anyway they go off to the morgue watson eats some of the cake that's just had a body in it because he's an idiot remember holmes strongly denies that the sight of bodies makes him sick despite repeated previous incidents so guess what oh yeah and this goes on for about 40 seconds before we're introduced to their american love interests dr hart and millicent they make a thing about them not believing she's a doctor which takes up a full minute while watson and dr hart go off to the morgue and have a romantic scene where they're rubbing cake all over the dead body don't [ __ ] ask holmes gets left with millicent who can't speak because she was raised by feral cats she does end up speaking though surprise surprise and he's immediately attracted to her because of the way she eats that onion oh that's hot that's hot after some flirting which is meant to be funny but just makes them look like psychopaths watching you flay the skin from his face so so gently a just tell me what you found they reveal that the body was recently tattooed holmes has no idea what it means and can't understand this because he's a narcissistic idiot still insisting on his copycat theory watson asks to be made co-detective having been put up to it by dr hart but holmes is like no you're just my [ __ ] he tells watson he isn't ready to be a detective and that if he were ready he would know why he wasn't ready which makes no sense and is incredibly unhelpful he's such a disney they need to pad this film out a bit more so they each have a dream watson plays strip chess with dr hart which is as bad as it sounds while holmes imagines himself running an ice cream shop with cat girl called sherlock cones back in the real world holmes thinks the victim was poisoned through the ink used in his tattoo so he poisons watson to test his hypothesis because he's a cut watson symptoms then include among other things drama queen syndrome and the aforementioned lactating holmes gives watson the antidote but expresses not a single shred of remorse for having caused his friend possible lasting damage anyway due to the use of poison and the quality of the tattooing holmes believes the tattoo artist and the killer was a one-armed man and he just so happens to know the only one-armed tattoo artist in london they see a guy get stabbed in front of them so they have to blend in fortunately my time tripping the boards has made me a master in disguise yeah this might have been funny if they just left it at that and moved on but watson falls for the disguise which even for this character is [ __ ] stupid and then holm smith all over him that's a very apt metaphor for this film in general in the effort to blend in they get wasted which is just another pointless tangent to add some run time they piss against the wall while holmes works out the correct angle to piss at but instead pisses himself remember he's an idiot then they try to send a sext via morse code what are you wearing stop bloomers brazilian i'd rather you look good in anything wonderful stop this could have been funny i guess if it were better delivered didn't go on so long and wasn't surrounded by so much other [ __ ] like holmes blurting out that he has a really small penis i have the penis of a baby doll like okay i mean that would explain a lot the next day they realize they need to do some actual detective work because that's you know their [ __ ] job so they follow some men with tattoos into a gym where the one arm tattooist conveniently appears and then outright admits to the murder watson doesn't believe steve coogan baked the cake of course they dragged that out for like a minute then moriarty appears and says you've walked straight into our trap which makes no sense because it was a massive fluke that holmes would have decided to follow the tattooed men into the gymnasium something that moriarty had no control over and couldn't have known if he wanted to trap him he should have left a far more obvious clue or just get their goons to ambush them while they were faced in the same neighborhood and then instead of having his followers beat the [ __ ] out of them like he should do steve coogan says they have to fight this hairy bastard i call [ __ ] that's the smartest thing you've said so far so they get in the ring and holmes announces that the fight is pay-per-view he doesn't have the authority to do this and it's a stupid joke anyway and like everything else they stretch the parody as far as they can it reminds me of istanbul exactly and what should i be to this time boom synthesis are you sure the syphilis didn't win are you sure because the mountain easily beats him holmes does another calculation and guess what he [ __ ] it up because it was so funny the other two times he did that but watson cheats so it's fine steve coogan surrenders despite still being surrounded by members of his gang but before he can tell them anything he gets stabbed in the back quite literally they even make that exact joke open stabbed in the back meaning oh metaphorically speaking yes no i've literally been stabbed in the back they take down moriarty before he can escape but it's not actually moriarty because we're only halfway through this but the impersonator you know the chronic masturbator from earlier they make some more jokes about wanking and then run off and he immediately dies homs does some more calculations then based purely on his assumption that watson is a worthless piece of [ __ ] he says that there's no reason dr hart would be interested in him so she must be working with the killer they even make a joke about how she can't be the killer because she's an american so she would have used a gun even though watson had used a gun earlier holmes's plan is to seduce them so they'll lead them to the killer speaking of seduction mrs hudson's been [ __ ] harry houdini and albert einstein who would have been 13 at this time the less said about this situation the better then the queen shows up at their apartment which would not happen but this allows them to have an extended scene in which they take a selfie with her complete with duck face and then accidentally kill her then deceive the guards by using her body as a puppet then try to shove her body into a trunk and when that fails try to cut her into toilet-sized chunks but then she's alive yay what a twist words can't express how painfully unfunny all this is and it's another four minutes we didn't need moving on they take the american women to the anglo-american exhibition a celebration of the special relationship between their great nations i wonder what they'll make jokes about america we gave you your freedom and now look what you've done with it stunning and brave they go to the park do some cocaine and throw a ball around in order to impress the ladies god does it look dumb holmes knocks watson out and they repeat the whole a woman doctor joke before realizing that she actually is a doctor and actually cares about watson and is therefore innocent so they go to see holmes's brother played by hugh laurie who could have easily given a far better portrayal of holmes himself and carried the entire movie on his magnificent shoulders but no he's only in it for about three minutes they use their supreme intellects to have an entire conversation in their heads for the funnies watson tries to chip in but he's a [ __ ] remember so he gets sent to the companions room with the other morons hugh laurie tells him that the killer must be a student of sherlock's someone who knows his every move from the inside out why wasn't this world famous detective able to guess this himself i called bruce so he pronounces watson to be the killer with absolutely no evidence and some supreme mental gymnastics when one eliminates the impossible whatever remains however improbable is the truth that's not how that works at all before watson gets taken away he reveals that he's carrying jars of holmes's urine around are you laughing yet at least in america our system's fair no citizen can be found guilty till this case is heard by a jury of white property owning men you see that was actually all right if only the rest of the script was like that sherlock immediately has regrets and starts acting weird as [ __ ] and then he does the one thing that would make this even more unbearable for me why am i reeling in confusion what is this fever in my head this is so out of place as well as being completely awful and then it turns into a duet if one dose of ear cancer wasn't enough for you still singing holmes asks the cat lady for help despite her earlier using a terrible cat drawing to tell him to [ __ ] off and she has the voice of a soul singer for the funnies but with her guidance he realizes he's been a massive prick and rushes off to save watson he runs through the strangely unguarded prison but finds that watson has already been busted out by somebody who gave him a cake the crumbs of which have been left behind by watson as a clue he recruits some plucky street urchins dr watson's in grave danger no [ __ ] sherlock 72 minutes it took them 72 minutes but they finally used that joke can i go home now please while they lead him through the sewers he explains how he worked out that the killer is none other than mrs hudson for you see mrs hudson's origins are not so humble she is none other than the daughter of professor james moriarty that's a complete guess he has no way of actually knowing that and if he did know that before which he heavily implies why did he employ her in the first place and tonight she would commit her boldest crime yet killing the queen here the titanic what the film is set in 1892 but the titanic didn't sail until 1912. i guess they thought we wouldn't notice absolutely nothing about this scene is correct so let's just move on holmes assumes that these sailors are hired goons so he sets the urchins on them the american ladies conveniently show up to do their part with guns naturally hudson has watson tied up while she taunts him which might be effective if it wasn't so pathetically out of sync she leaves with her famous lovers who i guess are now helping her holmes comes in to save him but can't resist the urge to act like a complete imbecile again hudson does some more villains exposition but not to the historical figures who've inexplicably [ __ ] off did they think killing them off would have been a bit too disrespectful but they were fine with having the villain plant a bomb on the titanic a ship on which 1500 people died did anyone involve not think there's anything even slightly wrong with that anyway holmes does more mental calculations to work out how to get rid of the bomb but keeps [ __ ] it up because he's too emotional watson steps in but also messes them up so he says screw it charges through the crowd and chucks the bomb out the window which conveniently kills hudson everyone applauds sherlock but he makes sure watson gets at least some of the credit so when you think of your friends and relatives on board the titanic just remember dr john h watson really they part with the americans under disgusting circumstances enjoy your trip on the safest ship to sail too soon billy zane shows up for a cameo which seems to be all he can get nowadays holmes makes watson his co-detective but they find one last way to [ __ ] all over watson before the film ends there's a quick scene at the end showing them finding moriarty in america but at this point who the [ __ ] cares because holmes and watson only deserves to be remembered for all the wrong reasons and is a great example of how not to write a parody it's unfunny dated boring and downright disrespectful both to its source material and to its audience it should have stayed in development hell where it belongs or been taken out to the lake and shot ultimately it has no redeeming value and is a waste of everyone's time unlike my video on it i hope no oh oh well well i guess i'll just end the video then how would you like jokes aside if you're still watching i hope you did enjoy this video if you did feel free to subscribe and follow me on stuff you can even support me on patreon if you really want god knows why you would but it's there thanks for watching folks and i'll see you next time

Channel: Cynical Reviews

Views: 1,732,051

Keywords: Holmes & Watson, Holmes and Watson, Cynical Reviews, Cynical CJ, Cynical Reviews Holmes & Watson, Cynical CJ Holmes & Watson, Cynical Reviews Holmes and Watson, Cynical CJ Holmes and Watson, Holmes & Watson Comedy at its Worst, Sherlock Holmes, Parody, Sony, Netflix, John C Reilly, Will Ferrell, Holmes & Watson Review, Holmes and Watson Review, Film Review, Movie Review, Comedy, Worst Comedy, Worst Films of 2018, Worst Movies of 2018, Etan Cohen, Bad Film, Bad Movie, NotFlix

Id: LiYSk87Zrfc

Length: 25min 13sec (1513 seconds)

Published: Fri May 24 2019