The best of Hignfy series 12

this is Madame Tussauds they finished the new cabinet they've got it ready before the election shame about the queen mother died in earlier today isn't it well she had a good inning so didn't she know what she was doing playing cricket our age of knowledge I understand is that is a dangerous tactic I was once on a program where someone made a joke about somebody dying and they died the next day and there was too late with it the program it went out yeah well thank God it wasn't a joke so is it Kevin Maxwell well you say you've done nothing Oh is he in Mexico I don't know the difference between them really is there much of it they're both innocent don't be from the Seven Dwarfs I don't get it actually you know what I think that's my esteemed colleague mr. H that'll be in Hyslop the rest of the thing yeah to the stage now where people are asked to recognize photographs of themselves let's let's reveal it first of all just make sure it is why say got in many more like you own there and you had to beat the chicks away with a stick I'd be happy to be kissed by him he's gorgeous the glasses we have to ask faltering eyesight or fashion statement it was very sunny he's suggesting you're wearing now because the Sun was out I'm saying they had a sort of photochromic system those glasses where if the Sun came out unexpectedly they went sort of yellow okay they were a terrific error I'd miss it freely and Mary Poppins wasn't Annie who could have the whole nursery tidied with a single clap of her hands bit like tequila Burke but without the servants finale let's go fly a kite you can't beat it can you this is the highest height oh let's go fly a kite and send it soaring to the [Music] [Applause] last pantomime worked out for this year pumpkin lanterns pumpkin lanterns you have Halloween in America yeah are you unaware my whole series of films called Halloween is Dick Van Dyke in the Halloween films yes yes bloody x moody be be poppin and lastly I'm just a wat says Blair girl who can't say no I just the girl who blinks blank says Blair I'm just a country boy is the right answer oh my god is it it's said that I've gotten you can sing it at home I had no idea that was right something like spell Daniken and Julie Andrews walked all when it moves when it stood still good I never knew just boy the McGinty the Irishman of note came into a fortune and he bought himself a goat you know it's about is it still available in the shops it's on the best of valdine you can get it on CD 1199 I recommend it for people like Val Dunican alright because it's the best of it and possessive hatin don't get it unless you've got a thing about animals because Delaney's donkeys on it as well he won a half mile race you know the only thing I've ever found in common in our childhoods is an intimate knowledge of the best of Val Dina Cutrone I didn't say I was intimate with it I just bought one CD when you bought it recently yes I'm getting a clip I'm forgetting to plug in for my club while we run about club club it's [ __ ] why are some areas in Roczen wanted to go back to good old-fashioned hymns with words that make sense to children such as do but themselves confound his strength remoras just because you can't understand it Angus yeah would you like to explain yeah read it out again from the AutoKey whose luck themselves confound his strength the Morris people who protest do only confound themselves are you make it more difficult for themselves and therefore make God's strength the stronger last year valdine acun did it Oh apparently the choir felt uncomfortable the singing songs with lyrics like autumn days when the grass is dual-led jet planes meeting in the air to be refueling but the last straw was when they had to open even song with champagne supernova in the summer when the grass is aglow yes here comes a plane landing at Heathrow thank you when she comes a man he's got a suit on here comes a plane it's lonely loon [Applause] [Music] boom Stansfield a status that I know girlfriend of the moment yes I have a girlfriend at the moment her own bloody business she was 16 that was last week 17 November 17 yeah your haircuts older than that [Applause] when I was 17 I couldn't get a 17 year old girl for love or money I don't how you do it I think it's the latter of the two options you mentioned you're famous for Bill Clinton Prince Andrew Fergie and Roger Moore none of them ever inhaled sorrow from these [ __ ] [ __ ] is the only one that looks like Fergie everybody look like 30 selves the other three oh it's a hoax yes see they all I mean that's clearly not Bill Clinton that's clearly not much more that's clearly not Prince Andrew that kinda doesn't look like Fergie either so is it that the three of them are look-alikes and that the Prince Andrew ones a waxwork it's pretty near but I think Ian was the closest when he said it's a hopes it is an entire hoax of one out question although we have already sold that answer to the Sun for an undisclosed 60 so no prize this week to our winners a copy of valve Daniken's latest video to our losers it's time then for salt sleeve he's very happy with that look what is it oh it's got try to remember on it try is that it you can give it back to Paul at the end of the show and we'll get a Julie Andrews one for you actually thank you like Julie Andrews have gone off there you can shove that tape up your arms got beat a max anyway Nigel Sue Ellen waters I just wondering if you're still friendly with him that we do not keep in touch well now I not surprised he's left the Tory party I don't think it was ever in it I remember at the time it was either you or him and then it was both of you who got out the first party is not quite true but the second part is totally true Sir Alan Walters is best remembered as Margaret Thatcher's economic adviser who clashed with Nigel Lawson apparently they couldn't agree on the best way to ruin the economy so so am run the economy [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] next what pump penis pump it's a very long and at last there's conclusive proof that miss shapen vegetables simply aren't funny but he's some went into the hotel and he was getting his luggage out and then he suddenly realized he'd left the the the the two of them in the boot of the car in a little sort of carry case and they were loss of thirty-six hours and he was reunited with him and the cab driver refused to take any money it's true there's he alerted there's something in his boot because he heard sort of the noise coming out he was at traffic lights crackling cheese I think that's about it Blair came on at the end did that there's a sort of Buzz Lightyear toy I've got at home that does that lost me what do you use that for [Applause] weren't you in a shore play this weekend yes I was mad and Superman for as long that must have been entertaining after nearly this is on Radio 3 the radio 3 to mark 50 year anniversary of radio 3 years with Judy Dench Judy Dench yeah Juliet Stevenson she and Ralph Fiennes all that what were you doing there well someone's got to make the tea anything it's not particularly museum but it's what amuse me at the time so Judy Stevens and then Ralph Fiennes are talking away you know it's a radio things they never learn the line so you pop in every so often when your part comes up and it's all can do and it'll get a bit precious you know I don't know I've got to do this thing at the National I really don't know who's gonna direct it I don't know such a problem we're gonna have this man oh he's not gonna do it I didn't want me to do so I was the sitting there in the greenroom just listen to this and asked about Timmy I said I'll do it I just suggested that she'd eat my own excrement seriously pieces I read Monday that was the last she spoke to me for the rest of the week other words surprise shock slightly a girl but more between a ghast and a gulp the spelling are different yeah yeah but apart from that no exactly the same what's between being sardonic and being ironic I've never known that one either no best felt differently as well but you don't have soldered a tear [Music] why did they say cheap at half the price yes I have a Stallone coz he's wrong if the wrong way around isn't it cheaper half the price means that it's cheap but if something is cheaper half the price it should be cheap at twice the price [Music] and you also see these sizing us in new supermarket sighs did a system automatic door press button why is mishap written bishop yeah and what is doing look like doing and why wrong numbers never engaged [Music] it did - to train in Hull I think you train [Applause] good evening and welcome to one of the few shows these viewers are evidently so bored with the program they amuse themselves by drawing it as a result next week's guests will be a nude woman and a bowl of fruit the scar is one of his distinguishing features you know what the other one is a pierced belly button he doesn't have anything he lives in the bungalow be upstairs so you said the ice that the eyes were downstairs upstairs bungalows on one level you [ __ ] it's got a cellar your [ __ ] those don't have sailors they can do how if you dig one might as well say they know have an attic if you see a great big box at the top well you could say that yeah well you'd be wrong though that's all we have time for one question what was it for Piersol more precisely Purcell and Dolly pardon dolly this year I would like to see it again yes what she'd not only pardon Sally how do you spell in pardon pa rt o n and it's pronounced it's pronounced in America is pronounced pardon for like Bill Clinton back me up on this obviously it's pronounced pardon there Zeus or Aziz then we went to Dollywood as well what is Dollywood have you been there no didn't you gather money recording in Nashville no there's no opening yeah why yes yeah it's a good thing your songs are a bit longer they've all done Elvis Costello songs Oliver's army is here let me die when you said you were going to enter a horse at the ground national [Applause] don't like a photo be now I'm [ __ ] her so here's a bit odd I mean the best presenter ever in the history of the BBC not David Attenborough not Richard Dimbleby but the man who does the sport I think everyone likes des Lynam you know I like him but it's this word best is it true that the Doctor Who fan clubs all phoned in and sent letters in and voted so that what fer des Lynam he's going to be the new doctor here he was the spring double ducky very professional sort of doctor who this could be the end of the world every night but first the football results she's admitted she cheated for years everybody thought she was a member of the royal family she wasn't here's a completely bonkers slapper well he had this bouffant hairstyle it was getting a bit wild there are a few sort of windy shots of it and didn't like it was anyway you could do that wasn't [Music] yes we love stunts triggers trial or this is a this is about a chat show in New York called the Jenny Jones Show and it's one of these victim television things where they bring people on and surprise surprise them like here only this time they brought on this man and said we've got someone who fancies you who lives close to you and he thought it was Donna his next-door attractive neighbor anyway they brought on a man who immediately embraced him on the set this man was called Schmitz that's the victim he was so upset about this that he went and bought a shotgun and killed his admirer two days later funny how this always gets a laugh the funny story is that they called Jenny Jones the chat show host all compared as we would tend to call her as a witness they allege it's her fault they say that she humiliated him and drove him to the point where he flipped and took a gun and shot this guy admirer but she being Jenny Jones claims that she has nothing to do with the Jenny Jones Show nothing at all she's any host in it because of the coincidence of the title and her very very reasonable defense yeah very well informed on this particular item well I did it on radio for last week oh right let me shut someone yeah self-defense do you remember how he actually described Jonathan the Schmitz yes he started talking about something about you admire his young firm body and all that kind of thing it was all very very sexual cute little body this or do you want to dust off from time to time never do it with a vacuum cleaner in his McTaggart lecture this year John BIRT praised this program have I got news for you has carried forward an ancient national tradition of puncturing the powerful and pompous I said be puffed up little [ __ ] strange way to hand in your resignation it is from the slasher further beach this okay the writer yes the Royal thumbs up will be able to point to that said Okoye [Music] and it's on a knife-edge now yes a scheme to after like later shotgun had a good idea you have to have a hug first all right yeah I get it I your cute little body [Music] don't tempt me don't send you to do world well it's like this of Jeremy Clarkson 'mobile the one with a big thing up front sort of things that take out the test-drive a lot of grunt up top [Applause] lots of grunt on top what people say about cars so slow he's shagging pigs [Applause] it is too dim to get the right one phobia that is somebody looking you in the eye yes it is you know what it's called used to my date used to be called are you screwing you don't know my bird no why not she's gorgeous not only your eye for petrol I just get a lot of my way that yeah stockings chocolate egg you like diesel you offer diesel go why were they calling you girl he was busted for cocaine last week after the cue Music Awards yes which you were at I noticed I was actually Anna I don't see why that's funny as one of the most hip rock journalists around sex change in fish is the right answer [Applause] [Music] yeah you got salmon swimming around with puffball skirts firmer those puff ball skirts have an unfortunate fashion always made me look like you've crapped yourself first people are calling you girl and then you're telling us he used to wear puff ball there's a thread running all through it mmm old youth you kisses kiss one of the worst offers I've had ever Francis just said it BBT yes he did thank you a point yeah Ian loses out yes again one of the biggest scores we've ever ever do that [Applause] sometimes when you talk quickly you don't know what the end of the cents are gonna be I do know Britons wittiest man Oscar Wilde there is actually a mistake in in one of these photographs can you spot the mistake now let's start his name isn't spelled right oh yes very good indeed Rodin when people that were Bernhard Levin's got the wrong glasses on the picture yeah why is it misspell because some of the letters are wrong and in London John Major Gees himself up before a big speech on drug abuse yeah they've not left a note saying why is this tree being cut down they wouldn't say our little homes over there yeah they have but they don't know that because they are only little it is to do with someone it is to do with someone protesting and that they stop I could use my ass I'm getting a grandmother yeah he didn't know it right Jocasta with a grandmother no it Linford Christie isn't a grandmother no oh he's a grandfather and he didn't know it and Jennifer you've got a secret child who's here tonight [Applause] yes I never thought the Coleman aim to their sacks and off they go Archimedes Dale Winton Mae West and Princess Diana that lovely looking lady with Dale Winton I'm actually putting meet Charlie at his oil even as you speak [Music] I'm looking for his trolley Park ladies now I can see it Alan left a bit do you not watch TV Geneva film star leave your men ma'am let me guess conrad veidt Oh Conrad boy yes tonight oh you were very good come here boy here very good they are mother and son you can shove your new squeeze up your arm

Channel: str1tsa

Views: 147,625

Keywords: hignfy

Id: NVatI7hBeG8

Length: 26min 23sec (1583 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 30 2019