STOP CHASING & Enter Your Bad B*tch Era In 70 Minutes Instead! | Sabrina Zohar

what's the most dangerous toxic dating advice out there that is not only keeping us single but actually doing us more harm than good I think what I see the most and it's not necessarily like one saying but it's this Vibe do this to get this so you want the guy's not texting you here 10 texts you can send him to get you interested or you want to know how to make your avoidant obsessed with you do this your gamifying dating at this point you're not being authentic you're not being you're not being who you the are same with match their energy why am I going to water myself down to act in a way that's not authentic to me because I know for me personally I'm a big personality I'm a lot I'm not the no one not everybody is going to want to date me and when I used to date I would change who I was to to make sure that they were comfortable oh you don't like a girl that's too much this okay cool I'll do this without understanding if I'm doing something to elicit a response it's not actually sustainable because I can't show up like this every time instead my fickle ass is exactly who I am and my partner loves me he laughs at it he thinks it's funny because I can't be somebody I'm not you've been married for 21 years you know that imagine wearing a mask for this whole time and saying oh I have to do this to get my partner to do this and I find that advice so detrimental especially when it comes to those early stages of dating because that is manipulation that is gamifying and I think if you're dating somebody and what you're who you are isn't working for them consider this a blessing and walk the away because if you try to change for who they want you to be welcome to people pleasing welcome to No Boundaries welcome to self AB abandonment instead and I'm not saying that you can say well I'm just anxious so if I don't get this no now you need to work on yourself now you're just toxic but if you're proud of who you are and if you like we talked about this even before we started recording loving yourself it's that's another thing it's such a it's such a hard thing because loving yourself when you've never understood how to do that could be really difficult but if you accept yourself that's when everything changes when you can stop and say you're right I talk a lot I do and you know what if you like it great and if you don't go yourself that's me saying I'm not perfect I don't love every part of myself but I sure as as accepted every part of who I am because if I don't that goes back into it's not that you need to love yourself and if you don't love yourself how the hell can anyone love you no but if you don't love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people then you're just constantly chasing for their approval and you never take your own and I think we're in this culture now for with social media of everything has to be perfect and everything looks picture perfect and it's like you see these couples and I'm like how can I ever have this and then you find out they break up and you're like it's like cuz it's not real we need to actually that's why I think like with my platform I share stories about my partner and I I'm like yeah hey we almost broke up you want to know why because we had this conversation but you know want to know how we made it through conflict isn't the problem it's the resolution that came with it but all of this stemmed back to me being okay with me me giving myself permission as a child I was never my mom was a people pleaser my dad was a narcissist to a te so I grew up with my sister and I talk about this all the time we'll do that where'd you learn that from and we'll talk about it and I'll say Jame where'd you learn that from she's like Mom mom never spoke up mom never set boundaries if she did she would cry my dad would leave it was always something it for me to set boundaries was foreign to me similar to like what she was saying of like I don't I'm not trying to even love myself right now can I just be okay with myself that was the first step I wasn't trying to go from zero to 100 I was just going from okay I don't even know what a boundary is let me just even learn what that is what does saying no mean how does that feel in my body to say no does it feel foreign great can I go back to that little and give her permission to say no it's such a beautiful journey and it's constantly you're just growing and evolving and changing as we start to date because spoiler alert to anyone thinks that the that oh I'll be fine when I I get a boyfriend no no no dating is the easy part good luck when you're in a relationship and this person's triggering you left right and Center when you don't have the tools to be able to handle it you'll be back to single and that's why the whole message of do this to get the guy is so detrimental because you're trying to be someone that you're not you're molding yourself into who you want you think they want to be and that dating phase is very different than like you said the relationship phase where now things are very different you've molded yourself into being someone that you don't recognize and to your point you end up abandoning yourself complet in the depression you can get really sad you can get bummed because it's like if you're constantly wearing a mask that doesn't feel like it's authentic to you no wonder you're going to feel stuck or lost or confused because often times like when I see people I feel stuck it's like make a decision make a decision Frank I love her she's a therapist and she has a book called the signs of stuck and all she ever says is you want to get unstuck choose something go right or left do something for yourself today if it feels uncomfortable just make a choice for you sometimes it's those little things and I think when we're so far from that connection and on not understanding ourselves something I even love to do is fine you can't inner child work is too much for you right now that's really hard you know what do something every single day for yourself for 10 minutes that way you're choosing yourself so then if you have a date that says hi do you want to go do this I'm so sorry Sor I have my yoga class I don't miss that that can feel so foreign to so many people of what is it like even when I'll try I'll start with clients and I'm like what do you want to dating I want this and I want this and I want this and I'm like okay shallow superficial like you want a tall guy you want this and I'm like what are your needs in a relationship you start to see the oh I guess I never thought of that and it's like because we're in a in a time where it's this weird you're a narcissist if you think of yourself you're being selfish and all this it's like nah I'm just putting myself first because we're world right now where everyone's out for them a lot of people are out for themselves and it's I have to take care of myself so if I'm going to be out and dating throwing bows as a woman in my 30s who's been single for a while I don't want the pendulum to swing and be so hyper independent that I don't need anybody it's like yeah we do we co-create that's the point of life is that we're creatures that want to mate but I also don't want to be I'll just take anybody because scarcity mindset o that's only going to lead you in an unhappy [ __ ] toxic relationship I think that that's what that's also doing right the do this is giving you a scarcity mindset that you've got to do it you've got to get the guy um the problem is and like I have such compassion cuz I was that girl right in my 20s the idea of getting the guy like the the dream guy that I'd had you know um I think was a part of what would help me at the time if I just get it then I'll feel validated right and so I'm going to do what I think I need to in order to do it um but it's it it really becomes that thing of like as an adult you can self- abandon but honestly when you're 20s I think it did help me feel better about myself that I end up getting the guy to fancy me so how do you break that cycle is it you have to do the internal work you even said though some people aren't ready for it especially when you're younger like I hate to be agist you know but I'm in my 40s now but like I think in the my 20s it was much harder for me to do the internal work and actually look into my child and everything that we're talking about I really worry that half the population going to you know like not listen to the interview or shut off the advice because they want what's easy because that's the quick hit of validation it's like the text where we started it's like if they text you then oh they're thinking of you if they don't then you don't matter right and there's so much God if I see one way I get every day people messaging me can you please Stitch this I hate this and it is that there was a video the other day guy said he was like ladies I hate to break it to you but if a guy doesn't text you for an entire day you he doesn't care about you he doesn't even care that you're having a hard day you don't matter to him and it's like I'm sorry what how is this helping people so I'm sorry for so because I'm a human so for one day I'm doing something that means all of a sudden this person doesn't care about me it's what it does is to me that just reaffirms your core belief see I knew what I wasn't good enough I knew I wasn't good enough because here's the other flip side our core beliefs of I'm not good enough I'm not worthy blah blah blah all that fun stuff that's hard in the dating life and that's where we can stop connections from happening but then we have the flip side of it of what what then when you meet somebody that's like no I like you and you're like what do you mean you like me what do you that's even difficult because receiving the love you're so used to the in our 20s I was so used to the hot tall Bartender the guy that's wildly unavailable and being like challenge accepted I'm going to get you to like me because by him liking me I'm validated then when they do it's you see my worth well then you must not be worth anything then there some it must be something wrong with you it's too easy it's it's healthy it's boring but actually what that is it's now you have to receive that love and that goes against your core beliefs because if you don't think you're worthy you're deserving of it so where can people start if there's somebody in their 20s right now listen I hung my whole hat up a long time ago but mama had fun in New York I I experienced so that's where I'm like I know I was after all those guys I was using my body to connect with men because I didn't understand that a deep emotional connection meant more so I think if you're in if you're out there dating and this all feels like a lot you know what the first actual step is awareness that you can stop to say hey maybe there is something going on you are further along than most of the people because if we can stop and if you stop listening by now that's okay that's all right you're just not ready and that's fine I will never Force anybody to receive but I think even just having the awareness of hey I think there's something going on you are taking that first step into at the very least making a change in your life awareness is a first step but change behavior is actual growth D is so strong okay now let's you go back to what other crap advice is out there and then how do we think through just like we broke down just that like where that um it's actually more detrimental to the relationship that you're looking for so I think I like to call my partner calls him the bumper sticker quotes those I think are the most detrimental though if he wanted to he would and when you know you know that to me is just so detrimental of chalking it down to 140 characters or less because the like if he wanted to he would is probably one of my least like favorite dating advice tips so on a top level I understand of like he didn't text me well he doesn't want to okay fine if you've gone on one or two dates and that person sure but I think once we start to understand and really get into a relationship with somebody as we know it's so nuanced it doesn't necessarily mean that it comes down to want I might want to be a millionaire tomorrow but that doesn't mean that I don't want it bad enough that means I don't have the tools maybe I have living beliefs maybe I have core traumas and so I think when we chalk up something like that what it does is one it has no compassion or understanding to the other person and so we're not understanding what someone else is going through but then also what it does is it brings ourselves down because then what's the back end of it if he wanted to he would well he must not want me bad enough I must not then we start to spiral in well what's wrong with me that he doesn't want to change when I think you know as well as I do for someone to make lasting and impactful changes in their lives isn't going to be because they met one person that they like a lot that's not going to be enough to let go of 30 plus years of trauma that this person has experienced and commitment issues so I feel like when we give that type of advice to people it one I think it just chocks up such a Nuance situation down to one sentence which is really difficult to do but two it takes away the understanding of what it means to be in a relationship and as you know you've been with Tom for 21 years which is incredible it's not easy it's not just that you wake up every day and your roses it's consistent communication it's understanding the other person it's being able to compromise and meet halfway and be able to express your needs in a safe space and if we just chalk everything up to one quick sentence we're not really understanding what actually goes into being in a relationship instead what we're doing is we're telling people it's okay you can just walk away everything is just it's okay you're not getting your needs met walk away when I think we need to go a little deeper there okay I love that let's actually go deep on this like if he if he wants to he would think um because there's like these these two like pulling things right like like I understand what you're saying but what's interesting is you even differentiated between when you first start dating and when you're actually in the relationship Could you actually mind going a little deeper and the difference between the two and why it is different totally now on paper the reason I kind of give it to the first couple of dates is because this person doesn't know you they have no idea who you are so for them to change let's say you go out with a date and the guy doesn't call you he might not want a relationship it has nothing that's he doesn't he doesn't have the bandwidth for a relationship so sure he's not going to call you because that's not an interest of his versus once you get into a relationship you start to deal with triggers you start to understand what's going on with somebody if I'm triggering you constantly and you're not able to you don't have the tools or the bandwidth to go and heal those triggers then it has nothing to do with well he doesn't want to have a conversation with me he has no idea how the [ __ ] to do that maybe this person only saw that conflict ends up they get into trouble so they get terrified of conflict as an adult they're scared of it and they don't know how to interact so it has nothing to do with he doesn't want you or he doesn't want to do this bad enough this person might have no idea how to now I'm not giving an excuse for bad behavior but I think if we can understand where people are we can also show compassion to ourselves because in the early stages of dating those first couple of dates it's a free-for-all you don't know if you're ever going to see this person again there's no commitments there's no guarantees so I give a little bit more leeway of like all right well yeah this guy's just not picking up what you're putting down versus once you get deeper into a relationship chalking it up to want I feel like it completely discredits everything that person's experiencing as well as who you are that's actually really interesting thinking like if it was you how many things do you actually want how busy are you how many uh problems are you dealing with on a day-to-day emotional turmoil hormones all of that things combined so just the one in and of itself isn't the thing that's going to be the be all and end or to show you whether I actually cow or not 100% it's like the texting thing that so many people I mean you met Tom before texting was an average which I'm not trying to like say it's just matter of you had a relationship before this existed and so now it's like it just gets so muddied and I think people just start to lose themselves and if we can just understand that everybody is on their own Journey it doesn't need to be so personalize it doesn't need to be well [ __ ] him and what a piece of [ __ ] and he doesn't want me bad enough maybe this guy's just going through some stuff and maybe that's just why maybe for the day like you said hormones I sometimes today haven't touched my phone I have been crazy all day running around I'm not going to be able to text my partner until I probably get home tonight that's not because I don't want to I don't have the bandwidth right now I don't have the resources or the energy so I think by understanding it's not always just so black and white we do need to understand there's Nuance within a certain extent because it's like if you have somebody that's not texting you they're also not calling you they're also not trying to see you okay I think we know that this person's not that interested in you but if it's just one day and you're going well if he wanted to text me he would you're not really understanding what someone else is going through it's everything is my world This Is My Lens this is for me without really seeing what other people are experiencing so are you so would it be an accumulation of things so if it's like he's not doing or she's not doing all of these other things then it's probably that they're not interested but if they're cuz I heard you say once it's like they could beex a text you on the toilet so it's not like a text actually means something it doesn't mean [ __ ] thing I met my partner he was on a texter and I was I am very anxious he's more avoidant I we're significantly more secure in our relationship and how I interact with people but my past is anxiety as a baseline so I had two decisions here when we first started dating and I said hey you know I'd love more communication in between our dates and I'd love to text more and he came out hey this is not a sign of my disinterest I do not connect via text I don't want a digital relationship I'd much rather spend time with you person if that works for you great I can't wait to see you Thursday and if not it's okay I'm not going to take this personally and I had a crossroad I had that moment of well what about my needs but then going well wait a minute this person is being very consistent they're being reciprocal I feel incredibly safe with him not just physically but emotionally I feel seen heard and understood so just because I'm not getting a text which is incredibly low effort and then I had to stop and go okay you've been dating for 15 years of my adult life in major cities I've had my fair share of the guys that text you every single morning good morning beautiful but you never see them them they don't show up so using texting as the sole indicator of someone's intentions with you is incredibly detrimental because you're not taking into account the people operate differently that not everybody wants to text not everybody resonates with text Some people prefer a phone call twice a week instead of texting every day and I think what ends up happening is we're chasing a Feeling by wanting that text it has nothing to do with the actual text because what is a guy texting you hey every day it's not that the text matters it's that oh look he didn't forget about me oh look he liked ohing I'm going Abed we always rever to I'm not going to be abandoned or I'm not going to be that's anxiety that has to do with this person nor does it have to do with the texting you can schedule Texas oh yeah I'm like how old am I and I had no idea you could schedule a text so that actually also goes into the fact that it's like well hang on if you can schedule a text it actually doesn't mean that like I don't want to say it's a manipulation tactic of the oh you think it is it could be it could be because the thing with the manipulation tactic is I don't I don't think it always comes from malice I think a lot of people are operating in trauma so if you're operating in a sense of I like my validation I want my daily so you're going to set that reminder it's for you this isn't because I really like this girl and or this guy or this person I really really like them so I'm going to reach out because I'm thinking about them instead it's well I want to feel good so that's why I think a lot of people it's just like when you know same rushing into things like you you'll have people that'll meet and then all of a sudden they're texting every single day and they're hanging out every single day and then two months later they're completely shocked or a month later when the person changes well that's because they were chasing that feeling they were never chasing you they didn't know you well enough so for them to become part of your day-to-day life for them to be implemented in your day-to-day you're now creating them into your life which is just the same part of our brain that's activated from drugs is also activated by looking at a social media account of an ex and getting a text it's a that quick hit of O this makes me feel good this makes me feel good but instead what I challenge people to do is like when my partner said that I almost broke up with him because I said well [ __ ] it you're not matching my needs but instead I had to stop and say first off what's happening in my body can I connect with what's going on inside of me to understand wait I felt this before this anxiety is not new to me [ __ ] this reminds me of when I was a kid and when I was a kid my dad used to leave me all the time and he was in and out of the home so that abandonment was really prevalent so when I didn't get the text that feeling would evoke it wasn't that I was upset about the text it was I was more scared of the feeling I was going to get cuz it triggered that wound than it was that they didn't text me because it's not like you even know him exactly you have no idea who this person is yeah how did you then assess if someone that's at home listening right now and they get that trigger of like they're not texting me or you know um they don't want to text me the work you just said in like two minutes so [ __ ] profound so take us a little deeper if someone at home is listening right now so here's my step by step I've like kind of perfected this the one thing that I actually wasn't aware of about all this stuff is it's the nervous system our nervous system is designed beautifully my friend Masha talks about this all the time and I'm so grateful I learned from her the nervous system in the brain are designed designed to keep you safe they're not designed to help you grow so what happens is our body the body keeps the score is a book that I love our body is conditioned so from childhood I'll work it backwards as a child 0 to 7 is egocentric age which means that from 0 to 7 as a kid you can't differentiate like an adult would my parents are fighting because my dad's an [ __ ] and said something rude to my mom and she's crying instead we look it's my fault what did I do because you're not able to it's so this is where you get that sense of I you can't differentiate so our core beliefs are established when we're between 0 to 7 0 to 10 that sense of eye is established then then what happens is you're piling on years of trauma and traumatic experiences and different things that are happening then all of a sudden you're an adult and this guy doesn't text you to somebody who's secure who hav had somebody that was constantly in a out or have that high anxiety would go no they're busy no big deal I'll talk to them later they're not scared of Abandonment and in that moment versus when I didn't get the text my entire body I would break into a sweat my eyes would Dart I couldn't look at somebody in the eye I would get my shoulders would tense up and for a while I didn't understand what that meant was the text with the trigger the trigger was aute to my nervous system that I was in danger similarly if you were and I were right now having a conversation and a tiger walked up it would be working beautifully to get us into fight or flight but what's happening is it's misdirected because our body is so scared of when we were a kid getting yelled at or getting hurt or getting you know people pleasing whatever comes up so when I was going through this for so long I just thought no they're not satisfying my needs without understanding it's an endless pit of needs because I wasn't worried about them satisfying my needs I was self- abandoning and so when I was going through this so like when my partner didn't text me instead of why the [ __ ] aren't you texting me or freaking out or crying in my bed or all things I used to do I would stop and say okay I'm disregulated I need to regulate my nervous system Shake It Out go for a walk kind of just do something for a few minutes then I sit my ass down and I go through three steps every single solitary time what was my trigger if I'm not aware of my triggers then I don't understand what's going to cause me to get disregulated then I check I set my clock for 3 minutes and I allow myself to feel just in my body what's going on because 80% of the healing happens in the body only 20% happens in the mind so when we try to intellectualize our way out you don't feel better because you're not feeling so I sit and I'm like okay where's this feeling oh it's a brick in my chest is the brick big small is it brown is it concrete is it moving or is it slow when you focus on the feeling even if it gets overwhelming but then when you allow it 90 seconds to run its course you then stay oh oh that's it that's the feeling I was so scared of then after I stop and I say okay what was the narrative that played so if the first thing was I knew he didn't like me great where are the facts to back that up where are I cold hard facts to say because he didn't text me if I were in the law I'd have to prove it to a judge okay well I can't what are some contrary thoughts maybe this person's busy they're at work okay what we just spoke last night everything was okay trying to give a reframe then I'll say okay this feeling in my body when do I ever remember feeling that for the first time some people will say [ __ ] when I was like 10 or 12 or whatever that's that part of you that's coming out because they're reacting and so now my job is to say okay nobody when I was there as a kid there was no adult to come and say your father's yelling because these are his issues but I love you I respect you and I'm here for you I didn't have that I was just left that was it nobody was there so now as the adult I have to close my eyes and I Envision that little me and I will go to her and say I'm here for you I love you I Choose You And even if you don't get that text that doesn't matter because I'm not leaving you and that helped me move through it because instead of self- abandoning and saying well do they want great I'll do that I thought and turned it in what works what's happening for me what's coming up in my body so I could differentiate is this a real tiger is there an actual threat that I need to get hey I don't like the way you said that or [ __ ] I'm projecting all of my past onto you what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside I'll give you an example my partner the other night I said do you want to go do this this weekend he just went nope and so of course I had this moment of oh my God he like me I knew it and I started to spiral in my head and I literally stopped and I was like Sabrina all he said was no it's okay and then sure enough I just sat with it for a few more minutes I was like I know this feeling 10 minutes later he comes back babe I'm so sorry I didn't mean to say it like that I just meant no because we have this this and this and I was like man I'm so happy I put space I don't know if you know John Kim the therapist he calls it putting a speed bump and he always says put a speed bump between your reaction and your response so that way instead of reacting like a six-year-old like I always would well [ __ ] you then that's the me that that needs to be seen and heard I stop I give myself that validation and if it's something I need to talk to him about like when he told me to calm down and I was like in what world does that work for a woman it's like the worst strategy ever but we talked about it and I said hey you know why that bothered me I was like because normally I'd say [ __ ] you and I can't believe it I said because I felt dismissed I was like I don't feel like you actually validated my experience you told me to calm down which meant to me that you were saying that I was overreacting and I didn't feel seen hurt or understood in that moment and he stopped and said you're right you're right I actually did invalidate you how can I can I support you better can I say a different word I said yeah say regulate then I'll know I'm escalating and I need to deescalate it's worked beautifully but by being able to understand what's happening for me so I don't make it his problem it's changed everything for me whether it's career whether it's personal whether it's professional and especially Intimate Relationships I'm sure you know Tom might say things to you that you're like I'd like to break your [ __ ] neck but then you stop and say but wait this is reaction feels like the pinch doesn't match the ouch that's why stopping and taking that second to assess what's happening is groundbreaking the pinch doesn't match the ouch my favorite dude that's so good steing that please do it's my favorite saying the pinch doesn't match the ouch you're overreacting and it's okay it's okay for us to say there's that's what I think is missing that humble aspect of hey I I did you're right I screamed at you that was wildly inappropriate and I apologized next time I want to do better could take you wonders if you start to take an assessment of yourself and instead of thinking you're always right not maybe I was wrong so what do you think about the advice of don't sleep with a guy on the first date I [ __ ] my boyfriend on the first date and here we are a year later living together I don't think there are there is no steadfast rules because here's the thing now when it comes to the intimacy of a partner in the first few dates I don't care what you do like you're a grown ass adult you can go out you have a body you have needs I'm a woman okay I think that there's this women we can't say that we're horny we can't say that we want to get laid we can't say that you know what I haven't had anybody for 4 months yeah I'd like to I'd like to experience this I'd like to have a man next to me for a night not everybody has to be in your life forever so I'm fine with you can sleep with any guy you want anytime you want but you can't walk away going he owes me something now or we're going to have to be something there can't be an expectation attached to it because my partner and I are like the typical 2023 new age couple we met on a dating app we went on a date I thought he was boring I didn't like his car I didn't like his clothes I thought he was just too rigid and we had sex and then I left going I'm never going to see this guy again and I even that was when I started all my Tik Tok stuff be like I don't know I went out with this Tech guy last night I'll give it a go and then every date I just kept being like comed's kind of funny kind of something but I detached I wasn't attached to the outcome so I think if you're going to sleep with someone you need to also be an adult because you're literally laying in that you're making that bed you got to lie in it you can't leave being like Oh well but he didn't call me and what an [ __ ] it's like no but we can also admit not everyone needs to be around for you forever and the act of intimacy almost every guy I've spoken to has said it's not the ACT it's not the fact that the girl slept with me on the first date I don't care care if it's good and she's hot and I'm having a good time I'm going to keep seeing her especially if I want a relationship they say two one of two things either my intentions were never to be with her and I was having a good time until I get I got something from the end of it or the reality and the fantasy didn't match because I was overlooking a lot of things because I wanted to have sex with her and then once I did and realize it was okay I started to realize all that [ __ ] I wasn't going to put up with it I slept with my husband on the second date 21 years later I was to say hello um so but but the reason why I didn't on the first it's because I'd heard in my head women don't sleep with guys on first dat it's like he's going to put you in a bucket is what basically I had this box Theory this box Theory I am so over it I've talked I every time I ask my partner I'm like what do you think and he's like how shallow can you be to determine in five minutes what you want with somebody so explain if someone doesn't know what box theory is so the Box theory is that a man knows within like the first few minutes if he wants to be with you or not so he'll know if he wants to be if he never wants to see you again if he wants to hook up with you and that's it or if he wants to be in a relationship and her theory is you could do anything you want he'll never change that box you could set his house on fire and I want to be with you and I'm like nah that's that's actually ridiculous first off if within the first 5 minutes I'll tell you this a girl knows that she wants to date you but not she wants to [ __ ] you a guy knows he wants to [ __ ] you but he doesn't know he wants to date you that's really it we can establish if I want to be intimate with you in the first 10 minutes I can say yeah he's cute all right I'd sleep with him I have not a lick of an idea if I want a relationship it took me that's like if you know you know it took me three months to realize I actually cared about my partner and about six months or five months to say yes to being his girlfriend I just was like listen I really want to get to know you I was like it's not that I don't like you I just he's very rigid and it took him time to open up so I think that type of advice what it does is it leaves people going yeah but I didn't feel spark I didn't feel the spark on the date I didn't feel that connection that I want to and it's like what do you want rainbows and butterflies you want like a whole like Mariachi band to walk you out and like what is a real relationship you know it's not these Peaks and valleys it's nice it's consistent it's reciprocal it's every day I wake up and I get to see my partner and I'll actually give you an example I had been dating two people I dated my partner and another guy my partner very consistent very boring the other guy oof talk about the highs and lows you dating them at the same time same time um because I didn't know I you know when I my I'm not going to [ __ ] see this guy again so kind of seeing what was out there before any kind of exclusive relationship and the other guy sure enough after like four or five dates did the I'm not ready and I'm super avoid I was like here we go and I was going to end it with my boyfriend at the same or now boyfriend at the same time I said you know what let me give him another chance he really likes me let me at least get to know him fair now that there's no nobody else and for months I was in my head of like God but that was like the guy you know that was the one I felt the spark with and I kept beating myself up for having these thoughts going that's not fair to him until one day after like five or six months of being with my partner I said you know I'm going to stop being upset with myself for being human and having a thought about someone else just going to allow it and so every day if I came into my mind of that other guy I'd be like okay so I'm a human right I'm allowed to think that somebody else is attractive that doesn't mean I'm acting on it by allowing myself to do that that and not holding myself being angry I ended up moving through it and then now just last night I saw the guy watched all my stories and unfollowed me when he saw I had boyfriend and my you know your heart sinks a little when you see the name and I looked up at my partner and I was like I am so glad I didn't go for the spark because what I always go for that same guy is this the watch fire emojis to my stories no commitment back and forth hot and cold instead I have somebody so incredible that grounds me and is everything I need not maybe what I wanted and I put my phone down and I had never felt more connected to my partner in that moment because if we're chasing this feeling it's going to Fleet you don't get 21 years with your partner because you're only chasing a spark all the time it's not sustainable MH you even said boring is healthy and I hear that when I was younger I kept following that spark and I was in a relationship for almost four years and it was turbulent but every time we got back together that fire it was the up and down and so the uh toxic cycle we were in when we were down down we were really down but the highs was so fiery that it I dismissed all the other moments and so I think so many of us think boring means bad yeah um I personally wouldn't use the word boring but I'm using for your sake um but like the the nonh high extremes um is something that I I completely agree now I absolutely like me and my husband very consistent you know we have still incredible sex um the high is still incredible but we don't have the heated highs and I think that there's a difference there so how do someone like let's go a little deeper on that of like what if you didn't choose your current boyfriend and you went with that guy that was fiery what signs are there that people can look out for of what ends up becoming the long-term detriment to you know with the fiery person versus the longterm safety with the person that is more stable one is attachment one is connection to me that's like the simplest way one is you're attaching to this person based on anxiety or fear or there's that underbelly of I don't want to lose them that's why the highs were so high not necessarily like I've had that where oh my god when I see him when he touches me my whole entire body explodes then when we had [ __ ] and I realized okay no no no then I started to realize after when I saw them again months later I was like oh I don't even this doesn't do anything to me because I was attaching to this person I was attaching to the outcome of them I was scared I was going to lose them so when the highs were so high it was because they were there and then when the lows were so low your nervous system was triggered and you're feeling I'm going to be abandoned that projection versus when you're with your partner I always see Health equals boring I don't like the saying either but I'm like for argument sake this is it versus that consistency goes back to even when we look at childhood Dynamics when we put someone on a pedestal and we have that that you're reliving child parent dynamic because your parents are here and you're here and you're always trying to seek their validation and try to get them to see who you are versus when somebody's equal to us us like I said earlier you look and say you must not have any value if you see my value this is no no no because we think we know what we want but we don't actually know what we need and so people all the time I'm ready for a relationship and it's like okay let me see who you date everybody's emotionally unavailable all these guys and it's like I get it there's a lot of emotionally unavailable people but if you are constantly dating emotionally unavailable then a part of you is also because that if you're that person's emotionally unavailable you're not having conversations of depth you're not asking the Deep questions you're not talking about your feelings and emotions so you in part are also unavailable you have a great first question actually to see whether someone's emotionally available or not my favorite question I understand people get a little perturbed by it um but and I'll explain so my favorite question as like a couple of them is how did your last relationship in and what did it teach you about yourself I'm not asking about your ex I don't give a [ __ ] about your ex I'm not trying to talk about them how did it end because I want to know what what went down and how did you process it are you ready to move forward I've had I'll never forget my narcissistic ex All My Exes Are Crazy and I remember just being like all of them all five of them and but I was so toxic myself I was like I'm the chosen one I'm the girl I'm the cool girl right now I was added to his bucket list of 30 other women that are crazy because he's narcissists of course we're all insane that was such a if I I wish I had listened I wish I had heard what he said versus my friend went on a date she asked that and the guy started crying because he wasn't over his ex you might not have if you don't ask these questions another one I love to ask is what is something you're working on right now that you're really passionate about the guy with my same with my partner he said I'll never forget he was like I'm working on this big project blah blah I may be traveling for 9 months and I was like so do you how are we going to be in a relationship if that's what you want you saw his face he's like oh I guess I didn't think about that sure enough a few days later he's like yeah I realize I don't have the bandwidth I'm going to be traveling for eight months it's the reason we ask if you're scared about asking that it's usually because you're scared to respond oh you know what I mean really did you think a lot of people when I'll say why don't you want to ask that they're like I don't want to answer it h my thought was went straight to you don't want to seem too pushy right you don't want to seem too intrusive and what is that a core belief that is the be a good girl don't you dare rock the boat and it's like my mom even said that to me the other day don't say this to to Ryan you know you don't want to come off that way and I looked at her and I said mom you're doing it again and she's like oh my God and I said you're going right back into be a good girl generational what we're taught but the reality is that's not who I am I don't want to be scared to rock the boat I'd like to just say what the [ __ ] I want to say I don't want to pretend to be somebody I'm not I don't need to be a good girl I feel like you and Tom probably have that where you're like I'm not going to censor what I'm going to say I'm not going to call you names but I'm not going to pretend and be this poana it's just not sustainable and that's kind of like the same like sleeping together on the first date all of those there's actually a dating coach now that says not to kiss for three months and I'm like so you're going to date four people a year to you know what I mean like what we we're only getting older time is the only finite resource we have and the longer we waste it on people that are not able to give us what we need or not able to connect or not having these conversations the longer you go not asking these questions then you get into a situationship then you wonder why you're not going to get what you want yes I'm just like noding Prof um okay so and so in the situationship then that is the result of not having asked all these questions situationships are just a breakdown in communication a situationship almost every time I'm like have you guys talked well I don't want to you know he's he's he's the type that he gets pushed out I don't want to say anything because then what if he walks away well great so then what are you waiting for what are you holding on to if you're scared if you think having the conversation is going to be detrimental oof just imagine if you don't because then like I've learned that in my relationship it is one giant conversation that is what being in a healthy and secure relationship is at least to me always hey you know hey this is how I'm feeling hey this is what's coming up for me hey that so if you're not comfortable being able to say are you ready for a relationship you don't even necessarily have to ask somebody their intentions but how does a relationship fit into your life right now like do you have the time for that do you want kids do you want to get married like I'll never forget I ask my partner about politics about religion about all these questions and somebody asked him a few months later what did you love about Sabrina on her first date and he was like the question she asked I said babe why and he goes because I knew you were different he was like it was always the same same rhetoric and he was like I was looking for depth and you showed up with that and so I felt comfortable to show up with that as well so I think if you want that deep real connection that ride or die that person you also have to embody that and if you can't feel comfortable to show up for that and if I get somebody that says he what is a job interview yeah actually I'm I'm making sure I'm hiring for the CEO of my company as the founder I want to make sure it's the right hire you know as a business owner of course I have to make everything that reference but I don't want it to be a Spitfire of questions but I do want to make sure that you're somebody I'd like to invest my energy in because my time is is valuable yeah God and you saying that like if you don't ask it you're just going to have to you know deal with it later that's so strong um and I never used to think like that when I was younger and I I think that that became the the thing that was detrimental to me in finding that person that was right for me because I was always looking to see okay can I mold to who they want me to be and then I'll start to like show my true colors and then I'll start to ask the questions I actually want so yeah like the tiptoeing into the water to test it before you actually dive in and I think that came from insecurity not having confidence not actually you know really um thinking about my own value and what I can bring to the table and I think now it's actually more um it's harder I think for people with dating so like being so easy with through apps that it's easy to swipe it's easy to maybe um ask someone a question they don't give you the answer you want and then you move on right dating apps everyone is on there for a different reason and I think I get this all the time like well he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and I saw him on an app okay it doesn't mean he wants a relationship anymore and the reality is even if he does even if that person gets into a relationship I have had this a million times the guy tells you I'm not ready for something and then they get into something a month later later that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me that just means this guy wasn't picking up what I was putting down that's it I don't need to harm myself I used to I used to go into she must be better and prettier and d d d and then you see her and you're like she's not even prettier than me and you just start to go into a spiral instead of understanding yeah you know I turned off a lot of people with the way I showed up because of how I showed up the guy I dated right before my partner all the excuses in the world as to why we couldn't be together and he wasn't attracted to me anymore and all this my partner I can't even change my shirt without him trying to have sex with me or like love me because he's so into me there are people out there that will love you for who you are but if you don't actually accept yourself for who you are and show up that way how can they love you and how can you learn to receive that so true um all right so you've spoken also about how there's so many like people looking out for like the red flags but actually there are some that aren't really red flags they're actually green flags do you mind breaking those down totally like I think when people say I want to go slow that's always that's a red flag it's like wait wait can we get curious can we ask them what does that mean to you what does going slow mean to you why is it a red flag first of all I think for a lot of people they say it's an excuse oh you just want to string me along you just want to sleep with a bunch of girls and it's like if that's their intention if that's why I say probe a question when my partner asked when I we first started dating I said I want to go slow and he asked me he goes what does that mean to you and I said I still want to see you I still want to see you twice a week I still want to get to know you I don't want to expedite the stages of a relationship quicker than they need to be I don't need to be your girlfriend after a month I don't know you we don't need to meet family and friends after two weeks I don't know you that's my version of going slow where somebody else could say going slow oh I only want to see somebody once a month okay well that doesn't work for me that's just an excuse for bad behavior so it's like certain things or somebody's saying like hey I'm not a big texter oh that's a you [ __ ] this person it's like how else do you connect oh I'd love facetimes and phone calls okay can we just get a little curious instead of looking at everything as an ick oh he has a velcro wallet forget it it's like oh my God guys there's not going to be anybody perfect and I think what we have to assess is these red flags that we see how was the conversation with this person were you able to a red flag to me is somebody saying I'm not over my ex yeah that's a red flag yeah that's an actual one because that person's not going to be able to move on with you or you know somebody like [ __ ] on just you or putting you down or nagging on you yeah that's a red flag they don't have respect for you they're rude to the waiters that I don't accept I don't like people that are not nice to anybody it's only people that they serve me those are legitimate red flags of eh I don't like this person's personality versus I don't like that they're not doing things how I want them to be done is it coming from anxiety the texting and the speed and things like that or or is it actually a red flag of like he didn't ask me any questions he only talked about himself the whole time yeah he's not thinking he's not taking me seriously we got to be able to and I think that's that black and white we have to be able to see some gray and then also again go back to how you feel in your body because if somebody says that they want to go slow and you feel this trigger it might be because the last guy you dated said that and then he strung you along and then he treated you like [ __ ] so now you're projecting that onto everyone else instead of asking the guy and the guy might say oh I'm not dating anybody else it's not that I want to do that I just you know I don't want you to meet my family yet until it's something more serious okay that's a green flag to me that's where we need to be able to different because honestly she's the red flag you know like when we start to go and say am I actually being the person that should be watched here or is it them oh that's really strong so let's go down that rabbit hole because look no one's going to want to hear the red flags that they actually do but if you think about the population and we're like and this is all the [ __ ] that people put out these are all the red flags everyone does how many of those are we doing ourselves but we're pointing the finger at somebody else and before people switch the video off I just want people to know like I am so about ownership like take full ownership over how I show up and if I have red flags I'm not aware of I want to know so that I can freaking imp improve because I'm not meaning for those you know red flags to to be put up if you will um so what red flags are we personally potentially putting out that we don't realize I'm with you 100% self-awareness if I can't look at myself to say what I'm doing like and I get it a lot of people might feel like oh [ __ ] this you know what are you talking it's me no it's not me it's like if you are the common denominator yeah yeah yeah it's not everybody else we can't I used to be that girl that'd be like you just don't understand what it's like to date and it's like no you know why I was being the red flag if I didn't get my immediacy of a text I'd write somebody off I would make assumptions I would jump the gun I was that girl because I just didn't understand my part in it I played victim everything was happening to me not for me without understanding just because you start to heal and do all the work on yourself and [ __ ] and you start to address doesn't mean you're not going to meet these people it just means that you'll be able to identify it quicker and go oh no thank you this doesn't work for me and be okay to walk away because you're not looking and saying it's only this so even a red flag of like scarcity mindset that's not great to have to look and go potential no then you are the red flag because you are going after people that are blatantly showing you that they don't have it and you're just hoping one day and wishing and praying keeping people pleasing if I had somebody that just never spoke up that's not that's toxic that's not something I even want to engage I want somebody that has a sense of self and can at the very least say I don't want to do that so I think we just have to look at it's not just how people are hand coming on to us how are we coming off to people how is my anxiety every guy I talked to I was like do you know how a girls anxious they're like within minutes of meeting her and we're thinking here I'm being cool and I'm being co no because and my friends will send me messages they're going to send and I'm like I can smell the anxiety you think you're being good here but my friend had that a guy didn't text her and she wrote to him saying um like clearly you think your time is more valuable than mine and blah blah blah and I was like man do you see how Petty You sound I was like instead you know what you should say I feel hurt I feel like you don't actually you I'm not a priority to you because I called you three times and you ignored me instead of volatility of coming out well [ __ ] you maybe a little vulnerability of this bothered me and this really hurt me and I'd like to share that with you if you're open to listening oh that's what what I was going to say cuz um I think some people so many people have had their vulnerability used against them as a weapon that in order to not feel that again you just hold back and so it's easier to be harsher like in fact in my own experience I was so insecure that I felt like I had to come like that pitbull versus you know like that sweet dog because I was worried that if I wasn't a pitbull that then I would be you know emotionally uh manipulated and so if I was just strong I was going to show them exactly what I feel and then I can't be pushed around it makes you feel powerful in that moment like especially if you're in a toxic relationship you feel powerful but what you're not what you don't realize is that you're now spilling that toxicity too I love that you brought that up because it's such a false sense of power it's not act it's like the false sense of intimacy all these things what's truly powerful is being able to stop and say yeah this is how I'm feeling I'd love to talk about it direct and honest communication now if that person if I trust myself that no matter what I'll be okay then I'm not worried about being taken advantage of again because I've learned my lessons when I'm getting the well this last person did that so how am I going I don't trust myself as what I'm saying so you didn't get your text all of a sudden the heart starts to race you start to sweat then starts the thoughts of I knew he didn't like me now you start to go on a [ __ ] spiral prefrontal cortex is decision-making and common sense that's where we are when we're ventral when we feel triggered we go all the way to the back of our brain to anxious brain that is where it's trying to keep you safe so it's going to keep repeating the narrative if you see a pattern if you see repeating thoughts that is when we need to stop and say wait a minute this is me cuz true power is being able to stop and do that and say I don't need to prove anything to you I can stay calm and not because I'm pretending because I don't need to yell and that takes a lot of internal work which I don't think you can do in a toxic relationship especially definitely not because you're not being if you're in a tox especially if you're in a toxic relationship you're self- abandoning you're leaving because at the end of the day I learned pretty much the hard way I always thought I wanted them I always thought I needed their validation them to love me if you just do that's that endless pit of needs versus that self-abandonment she scared that my little me was scared I was going to leave her not that he was going to she was scared that I was going to abandon her not that they were going to because if I continued with them I was leaving her behind and I was leaving her needs and wants and desires behind and I was doing what everyone else has always done to me which is walk away yeah I've heard you say that you actually look at a younger photo of yourself I love that I do three things I had the WR myself a letter and sometimes I'll just be like sassa what's going on how you feeling I'll look at a photo and it's really hard sometimes to do the photo cuz you see that face and I just sometimes like I'm like I [ __ ] love you so much or I meditate with her and like I did ketamine treatments which was really profound hypnosis you could do so many things everybody has different modalities and I just didn't realize that that little me needed me until I did a ketamine treatment went back and saw her hiding in the attic and I kept going I said what's wrong what's wrong and she turned and said you [ __ ] abandoned me like everyone else and I was like oh my it just poof and that started this whole journey of she needs me she's scared she's alone she doesn't know what's going on because no one's taught her so now that's my job I didn't ask for the anxious attachment style but I'll was sure as [ __ ] he'll threw it I will perpetually be a work in progress and I think if I'm not I'm I'm losing out I want to be a forever student I always want to learn and expand and grow and I thought it was in relationships then I started my own business wo mama was triggered in that too I thought it was just that so for me it was really constantly even when like have trolls you know have these negative comments I used to get so upset because they reaffirmed my core belief when they would say I [ __ ] hate blah she talks too fast that was my own insecurity so I would get volatile with them and instead say now I go yeah try to keep up I need to change who I am for you I've accepted that I've worked through it I look at her now and I say all of those things that you were bullied for when you were a kid that's why people love you now and so I need to let you know to be this is a superpower not a detriment to you yeah God I love that so much is so beautiful um I love that you say not everyone's ghosting you [ __ ] ghosting oh my God it's the bane of my existence and that's what I mean by there's no textbook to say let's talk about ghosting ghosting what it is by definition is an Abrupt ending in the middle of a relationship or conversation so if I've gone on one date with you and you just don't want to see me again you don't owe me anything and I think that's there's a big entitlement of this immedia thanks Amazon thanks Instagram thanks all of these things that I can get something delivered to my home in an hour and a half and I just great this is wonderful where's my partner then and I think we can't I'll hear it a multitude this guy ghosted me for four hours I'm like that's not that person just didn't respond because what happens is when we use this rhetoric it starts to hit our self-esteem what's wrong with me they're ghosting me they're a br I'm being abandoned is what you're trying to say versus a true ghost I experienced that when I was 19 years old H his name was Peter if he's watching which I doubt he is it was my first love it was like the first guy that I was like so this is what it feels like to be like [ __ ] and I remember I waited like eight dates to sleep with him I was doing it all right and we had been dating for like two months and we were having a party that night that night and I saw him in the morning baby I can't wait big kiss on my way to the party I'm excited I text him hey babe I can't wait to see you never to be heard from again that was it no and he saw me in the street and he lived in my neighborhood in this city and I was like I just remember flicking him off and I get a text I was cowardice I owee you an apology never got that apology that is ghosting ghosting of like we've been dating we were hooking up we were seeing each other and then I never heard from them again not this guy didn't text me back or oh they ghost to me for three days no that person just didn't respond to you or no that person doesn't owe you anything after a first or second date not everybody handles rejection well I've sent that text of hey you know I think you're lovely I just I'm not interested in pursuing this and I get volatility wow you think you're who do the [ __ ] do you think you are wow you thought you were hot guess what I was doing you a favor and I'm like okay or the girls that freak out but you don't even know me you didn't give me a chance but why in the protest Behavior you're saying if you explain instead of ghosting someone and so that's why I understand why some people will say I had one date with them I don't know them anything it's okay we don't need to take that personally a first date just to see if you want to have a second date just because you had a great time doesn't mean that they did or even if you both had a great time doesn't mean that they see you as a life partner they could have just had a good time with you so I think when we constantly go if I keep getting ghosted it hits our self-esteem instead of I keep having first dates that just don't pan out cuz they're just not the match for me look at that reframe can hit your self-esteem and so I just I'll die on this hill of ghosting and I know people will disagree I'm not saying that everybody should I'm say if you I I think it would be nice if you said it but if they don't we don't need to nail them to a cross I think this is weird like two sides of it where it's like we would say you know like if you label it it actually becomes clearer because some people just like what happened is it me and so you you start to spiral but if you oh he ghosted you oh that's what they did you know and some like in that moment e feel better about like oh I've labeled it now now I can just say it was them they did this act right so what's the detrimental side to it is it that there's this expectation after the first or second date and that you feel like you're almost like your heart is broken like what's the downside of of that people start to attack why did they ghost me but understand what did I do wrong they start to internalize it was I not good enough did he meet somebody else and it's like okay the only time ghosting is about you is if it's like a pattern if you have 10 guys in a row after two months have all ghosted you then my thing is are you not able can they not communicate with you do they not feel comfortable are you volatile are you freaking out on them versus if you kind if you consistently keep coming like if you're saying yeah he ghosted me how is that about me he can break up with me that's fine I'm an adult I can handle it your preferred method of avoiding confrontation and avoiding being an adult and having a conversation me doesn't say anything about me it says everything about you and where you are especially if it's like I don't know I'm I'm I'm not going to get mad at you it's okay if you don't want to see me that's why there's a differentiation if you consistently get ghosted okay we need to assess what's happening and if maybe you're not able to be communicated with versus if somebody does that doesn't say anything about my self-esteem because it we bring it back to I don't change people because of who I am they change who they are because they have the bandwidth to see that they need to do that so if I'm looking here saying he ghosted me well it's not because I'm not good enough it's not because I'm not worthy he chose that I still have my value and worth my value and worth doesn't come because he texts me or not my value and worth comes because who I know I am that's where it can become very detrimental your self-esteem starts to get tied into it and then it's I'm terrified of being ghosted and then you start to overcompensate and it's just instead of just surrendering and being not attaching to the outcome and saying all right hey whatever is going to happen it'll be okay because I trust myself that no matter what I'll be okay yeah oh that's so true and um with that where you were saying like why you know what did he do what I what did I do the I've heard you say the why isn't relevant the why doesn't matter you're so focused on the why why are they doing this because our brain wants to complete the puzzle but if I told you why he did this if I said we met another girl you're going to come up with 30 more questions versus why'd he do this what's happening in your body I'm feeling anxious great let's talk about it we divert and bring it back to ourselves I can't control other people but I can control myself that I do have full power of you think there's a protective mechanism then to look at them instead of looking internal yeah a lot of the times it's we have to think about often again our brain trying to why are they doing this why are they doing this because we've more often than not we probably have never really looked at ourselves the average human isn't going oh yeah I feel what's happening in my body no the average person is trying to understand I was her why are they doing this why are they doing this because I kept thinking if I get an answer great I'll be happy all it does is it's a closure it starts 3,000 other question boxes to start opening as opposed to acceptance why is he doing this I don't know I'm not him but I will say I don't like this Behavior it doesn't make me feel good so cool I'm going to honor that and walk away instead of matching my energy I got this a girl said you want to do it match his energy if he doesn't text you you don't text him and it's like so I'm going to water myself down to be something that they want me to be as opposed to staying authentic and getting turned off by this behavior that what's why would you match the energy what's the thinking behind it I think to them it's just you know fine you mirror them and it's just this way of it's protective mechanism of you don't need to be vulnerable need to show your cards and it's like yeah but I'm not scared of doing that to me for me it took me [ __ ] years to be feeling safe to be vulnerable with people but I find it to be a strength and if I if I if you're struggling to open up to me that's okay I'm not going to judge you based off of it but I think the matching energy is ego fine I'll St you don't text me I'm not going to text you H it's like let me ask you a question how's that serving you and how is that protecting you those are my two questions I usually ask how is that protecting you because then we start to go oh yeah you're right I guess that is a protective mechanism I don't want to get hurt okay what happens if you get hurt well I'm scared okay what happens when you get scared well he's going to leave me okay so he leaves you weren't you good before him you'll be good after who do you what's T you start then you start to peel back the layers almost every time it goes back to I'm scar childhood scared of being a the rhetoric continues don't ask why how what when where will get you significantly more understanding about yourself that's what I was going to say like in this whole interview we've really been talking about I mean you've mentioned multiple times of how you uh you know um you said you you know you were you were the crazy woman and you were the screaming and the vulnerable and like the the tears and everything to then be able to sit here and say I'm not going to do this for them I'm going to stay true to myself so many people want to get there but they don't even know how to freaking get started how do you get started in work because I've um I think you call you said you um you date differently now or you did date differently I think that that became with a lot of internal work in order for you to date differently in order for you to find the person that actually then became the one deserving of you so what are those steps originally to start dating differently kind of like doing the work and for me I mean my personal Journey again that awareness I knew when my ex had walked out on me my had a mar pretty much with with my father it was a rep it was the exact replica that was the day I called my mom and I was like I'm I'm done I was like I I need to do something and that was the day I start he walked out on you do you want to explain him that yeah we we were married um and we lived together and um one night we got you know we got into a very volatile fight and I said I'm [ __ ] done and he goes fine I'm gonna teach you a lesson and he Uninvited me to go to his family trip and left me to deal with the just over Christmas so that was my holiday season um and he said and then he came back and he said oh by the way I'm going to keep living here for three more months and everything was and I was just okay okay the day he walked out and I'll never forget we had gone to lunch with a couple friend and they didn't know that we' broken up like a week prior and they're like you guys are our goal and we want to be and I'm I'm dying inside I had lost from where I am now 20 lbs I was like a shell of a human completely I mean I remember and what started with me was I started with a therapist and she did tapping and tapping is where you hit acupressure P pressure points to reestablish your reaction to words so when you're calming yourself down by doing these acupressure points while you're saying things you're kind of creating resistance to them and I remember it started with me because I was really hating myself and I just kept saying I'm such a piece of [ __ ] such a piece of [ __ ] I ruined everything and then it just happened where and she was repeating it and I'll never forget that was the moment I stopped and went but it's not all my fault that awareness of understanding I needed to work with a professional therapy was really a great start but that's not the end therapy is good it's not going to be the end all be all but it's super whether you have a friend or a coach or a therapist or somebody it's important to have somebody that can reframe with you that can say well where did you learn this behavior from can we give validity to it can we not hate ourselves and can we show some ourselves some compassion that was the first step for me was understand understanding that I'm not broken there's nothing to fix I just needed to heal I love that how did you make sure that you didn't then villainize your childhood cuz I've heard you talk about that about how many people are resistant to going back into their childhood because they don't want to like make it toxic if they have a you know almost like a light-hearted thought about it I think a lot of people all get there like well my parents are great and I'm like it's not about villainizing your parents what we're understanding is where'd you learn this so for me where did I learn that I need to act out to get someone's attention oh cuz when my dad would do this I would do that okay so that's the age I need to go reparent and that's where I started inner child work is what changed everything for me I don't regret any experience I had because every single time on this journey what I looked at was what can I learn from this how can I keep my side of the street clean and if I left saying I I thought I did everything great I was really proud of myself I showed up authentically this person just didn't want anything with me cool okay that's what that was I didn't need to create a narrative but again the only way I was able to really like actually date differently was facing the reasons I was dating the way I was being able to H to to look at myself and say maybe I am a problem but I had to change my verbiage as well I'm [ __ ] up no you're not I'm anxious no I have anxiety I'm broken no there's nothing to fix you're not broken you just need to heal a little bit nervous system understanding all of those things like I said for anybody that is feeling overwhelmed one thing that you could do the first step besides the awareness do one thing every single day for yourself for 10 minutes a commitment to yourself whether that be mine was reading a new book reading 10 pages of a book every night and even my partner every night he's like babe your book and I'm like thank you that was me committing to myself to say for the first time ever I'm choosing me so whether that's journaling or meditating or going for a 10-minute walk or whatever it was but it's about we can't intellectualize our healing we also have to feel so it's really about facing those uncomfortable like ice baths I [ __ ] hated ice baths I still do but I'm not scared of them anymore because when I faced my fear and I saw it that monster in the closet was a little rock mhm oh my god let's this isn't a derail this is not a d but let's talk about ice bath because I went to this big event and it was like in front of I mean they were just like epic athletes epic athlete and then here's me and I got in I was like all right Lisa just do 10 seconds and when I was in I was like this is the moment Lisa cuz this is mental resiliency yeah you need to build mental resiliency not because it's a freaking ice bath the ice bath isn't going to change my life doesn't help my business doesn't help my relationship but it does help the mental um idea of how I then approach my relationship my business and everything else and so doing things that aren't relationship even focused that can help build your self-esteem that can help build your confidence that can help build your resilience then ends up spilling over into other aspects of your life so I was in that ice bath and I started taking deep bre cuz I was just ready to bounce and so I was in there in a minute and a half and I was like you you said a minute and a half you're 2 minutes and I just kept upping the anti until I couldn't F my body at all not advising that but the idea of taking the thing that you're trying to do and not succumbing to I'm the idea of I'm weak I'm not strong enough it's like okay maybe you're not strong enough yet but how do you build that back do activ exactly step by step what are those little activities that you can do that help strengthen your resilience and you better believe after I got out of that btub I felt so Victorious I was like I can tell on the freaking world and it became like it's all part of my tool belt that builds my confidence that then allows me to stand up for myself in other areas that maybe I feel like someone stepping on my boundary or someone maybe emotionally trying to um manipulate me it's like going to the gym I remember when I first started lifting like it's been a minute since I moved but I remember I was dedicated every day but when I first started when I first started all of this I I was a pack a day smoker I was on three kinds of medication I was like a six-year-old little grocery store I was about 40 pound sounds heavier and miserable with my life like 2016 I cut everything called turkey I went through the wildest withdrawals my brain was cocka I was all kinds of [ __ ] and that but going through every single thing then I started the gym I remember doing like an inhome workout like a hit thing five minutes in I was like I couldn't I couldn't continue I couldn't touch my toes and I was like oh I can't on my heart rate all this but I committed myself every day go to the gym I have to break a muscle I have to rip a muscle to rebuild it stronger and that's kind of to my point of if you can sit with the feeling if let's say you say I'm [ __ ] I'm scared I'm panicking attack cool what's the feeling that's coming up sit with it sit with it for 3 minutes same thing that happens in the ice bath you're terrified and at first I remember the same thing it was the coldest bath I started crying I felt all the emotions and the girl was next to me and she's like it's happening let it happen every second I wanted to get out and I said I'm committing to a minute I did a minute and a half same thing I got out and I was like go [ __ ] yourself I'm not doing this again but it helped me build that wait a minute I was so scared of the feeling but I'm stronger than that so if I can sit through this I'm I'm anxious I'm scared he's not going to text me I want to sit with this because then what happens I'm not that scared of this anymore right I'm not that scared of the feeling I know the feeling that's how we build that resistance and we have to be scared of really uncomfortable situations and it never linked it than when you said earlier about how you you set the time when you sit with your uncomfortable emotions oh full circle full circle because it takes 90 seconds for us to for an emotion to run its course the brain every time a thought comes up it starts the clock that's why you can ruminate for hours but if you actually stop and just say okay wait where am I feeling this in my body what's happening and really just the body like I'll do it with clients I every single time I'll see it they'll be so worked up and I'm like okay close your eyes let's talk about this and then they do and by the end of it they're like oh I feel a lot better it's like because you actually one client started crying and she said I never understood what anger felt like cuz growing up I wasn't allowed to feel angry and she's like this is the first time I allowed myself to feel this wow I feel free and it's like I get it it's scary but it's not you're not scared that he's going to leave we don't know who he is you're scared of the feeling you're going to have because it reminds you of the most painful [ __ ] experience so face it and then you'll see how much stronger you can be and that also um allows you to stop almost like pointing the finger at like well if they didn't say that you I used to do that to my husband all the time like well if you just don't say this I'll be fine don't Trigg me yeah yeah and eventually I was like oh so it's you know basically it's like well hang on yes there might be certain things that I say that trigger you but how do you avoid getting triggered because babe I love you so if I know you get triggered sure I'm going to be here to help you but all the other people you meet in your entire life don't know what your triggers are so how are you going to interact with other people if they step on your triggers or if they say you can't just keep blaming somebody else and that was really eye openening for me cuz triggers are such a beautiful examp understanding of where you need to hold your flashlight I love triggers I mean I don't I hate them but you know what I mean I love like when my partner said calm down and that triggered me but it what it did do wow it made us closer because I was able to to take ownership of my trigger it wasn't well [ __ ] you you said this and you said this that you're at a losing battle if you if every word that comes out of your mouth is you did this no no no instead now let's hear let's think about this if I were to if you if I were to go to you know when you told him you I don't want that you to say this to me versus moving forward going you know what when you said this I got triggered I felt that you were dismissive of me or I felt like you were putting me whatever it is I felt this moving forward what would help me is this you're letting somebody know where you're at you're letting them know how they can help you and you're and that way listen if they don't want to do that or if they say well this is your problem okay cool you just have a piece of [ __ ] person let's get rid of them yeah but if you can actually express yourself and say that what a superpower that is to be able to clearly communicate I felt this and I felt this a trigger is my problem not yours I literally said that to him after as having done all the internal work and kind of really building my self-esteem building my confidence you know that was early on in our relationship over time I was like oh I get triggered okay triggers my responsibility to heal but for now babe until I'm Healed from this trigger please do not say these words and so I just gave him the exact things because no one can ever guess how they're going to trigger you because a word that I say to you it may mean something very different to me so said babe while you use this word please don't use it around me for now yeah and until I'm over and that helps you actually Bond versus kind of like bding heads then issues that aren't issues because then you get so it's a conflict you get so far away from what the actual issue was my party said calm down to some other people they might not get affected I want to know one person that doesn't get affected when you're mad and they tell you to calm down not one human on the face of this damn Planet it's like my dad sometimes he'll be like Sabrina just be happy and I'm like is that it oh that's you know what Yuri thank you I that's it just be just be happy it's like I'll let my neurotransmitters know that thank you so much we're good here what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your besty and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I see you on the inside but it is really true it's like it's your partner like Tom he could have said listen b I'll do my best and that's what he said I'll try my best but you're and what you're saying is I'm going to take ownership of my part thank you for taking ownership of yours thanks for meeting me halfway and then that way when you get triggered now you can regulate your nervous system instead of going disregulated and then seeing everything through that lens which is wildly inaccurate then you regulate your nervous system and you can okay I can see my part in this and I can see yours by doing that again we see is there a real tiger or is this a projected tiger cuz like you said Tom didn't say anything that was like he didn't believe if somebody says like you you know you stupid [ __ ] go [ __ ] yourself okay yeah I'm going to be upset don't ever speak to me like that again oh so that's interesting I mean yes agreed but where is that then um how do you assess what's a trigger versus real disrespect that is the narrative that comes wrong because the trigger when I'm triggered when he said calm down my my my body reacted and my mind start to go he doesn't love you see look he's dismissive of you that narrative versus when my partner says something and I just look at him and it's very calming I don't appreciate that that was really disrespectful it's what's ha that's but being able to tap in and be like wait what's happening for me sometimes I could do that within seconds now for the average person that's doing this might take you five minutes you might have to say I always tell my clients or anybody you don't in that moment need to say you know I'm feeling disregulated just be like I need to go to the bathroom G I have the bladder of a 5-year-old and just that way you can go in then when you come out then you can say hey I processed this for a second and I'd love to share with you what came up I would ask for consent can I share something with you because this person might be cooking in the kitchen and you come out guns blazing and they're like well I wasn't ready for this but instead by being like hey can I can I share something with you it's the same if like oh God in dating the what are we the what are we conversation and it's always been revolved around how do I ask what are we when do I ask what are we and I'm like I'm sorry why are you asking what they want you to be instead you come out with power hey I've been thinking about things we've been dating for 2 months I think you're awesome I'd love to stop seeing other people and only focus on you w that's that's really [ __ ] hot versus so we've been dating for two months like where do you see this going and then he's like I don't know we're just hanging out oh cool okay cool what just you didn't do anything there so like come out take the time to process what's happening what is it that I want what's going on for me what's in my body then you can come up from a place of eye and power that's [ __ ] confidence not the you know masking it I think the result is you're worried about them perceiving you as needy oh yeah but that's a core belief because I learned that from my dad because any time growing up for me if you cried in front of him he'd hit you or he'd walk out he didn't know I love my dad I have a relationship with him now doesn't mean he was a good father same with my mom I love her she didn't know how to be a parent neither one of them did they were going based off their generational trauma and what they were taught okay I can have compassion for that but I don't need to excuse it and that was where I taught I'm too needy it was because anytime I asked my dad for a bid for connection or anything instant shut down so now I had to say well but it's not that I'm being too needy it's that I have needs and so for me just reframing and understanding having needs is okay having boundaries is okay I was never taught that so it's like if that anytime I hear I'm going to be too blank core belief off the bat core belief because you're too needy your partner Tom might look at you and go it's not too needy that's nothing you're just asking me to close the door okay our perception of things is what money is the water so that's why I say communicate and let them tell you hey whoa that's a lot for me and then get Cur oh okay well what what's a lot about it doesn't mean I need to water myself down so if I'm saying to you I want a relationship and you're telling me then it's not oh I'm too needy oh okay well you just don't want the same thing as me okay but I'm not going to attack myself there's no reason there's no reason for any of us to attack ourselves in dating it's just never think about I had to reframe now when I start doing inner child work I always imagine she's next to me so anytime I'm going to talk to myself God I can't [ __ ] believe you did this I'm saying that to her what would a four-year-old 5-year-old do if you just kept screaming at it and blaming it and shaming it and shoting it the kid's going to [ __ ] clam up and be like that's it I'm I'm useless what else am I going to do versus hey I know you did the best you could with the information that you knew but moving forward that's just not going to work for us so let's let's talk about this shall we meet yourself with Compassion or meet yourself with blame how do you want to handle this we get to choose right yeah I often talk to the little Lisa now and sometimes I'll even do things um for business that make no bloody business sense and I'll just turn to my husband and I'm like babe I know this doesn't make any business sense but I owe it to the 14-year-old Lisa and he's like go for it love it I love that because I'm always trying to serve that 14-year-old and in identifying that 14-year-old has really helped me build my confidence totally because we have to think about you have that wounded inner child becomes a wounded in our teen think about how angry we are in our teen years because we finally are able to be an adult right quasi you have more freedoms you're not a kid anymore you have friends you have different Dynamics so of course like I look at my sister and she was an angry teen and we had a fig fight the other day and she said no this has nothing to do with childhood I swear this is just us now and I finally looked and I said okay and I I gave her a minute and I said Jame do you ever remember feeling this before and she's like and she just stopped and she's like I feel like I'm 15 again and I was like there she is she's pissed off and that's okay give her the opportunity tell her I want to hear what you have to say I do the same thing I made my business colors pink I love pink when I'm get sad I'll go watch I'll go to the Barbie aisle I [ __ ] love Barbie like you said it's like might not make sense to the average person but how do I reconnect with myself that's what matters dude I love this so much girl this has been so amazing I could literally talk to you forever we got so much to talk about but um where can people find you and all the amazing work that you're doing thank you so Sabrina Zohar oh that's my name right where can they find me sabrina. Zohar on Tik Tok and Instagram do the work podcast is if anybody wants to hear more about like anxious attachment and that dating Journey um and yeah do the work on Instagram same thing click here right now to learn why it's actually better to stay single than to chase him like well why am I still single is there something wrong with me is there something off within me those questions will start to weigh on you and you'll start to feel like well being single is something I obviously need to get out of

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 277,554

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration

Id: y1K9Z2eTXjY

Length: 74min 45sec (4485 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 31 2024