How to get a loving relationship

I'll be happy to just you know warm up for me or for you I'll be happy to just put it's the unilateral version of it where they're just taking and not giving anything in response can lead to breakdown you know what's funny is that before you said this I thought that it's really important for a woman for example to feel cared nurtured Etc in order for the physical intim intimacy to happen but you're saying also the men need it just as much because it's you know I would think that biologically it's just you know always available you would think that but you know what a lot of women I think something they don't talk about enough a lot of women experience that when they've been married for a long period of time sometimes their partner loses intimacy for them and it's that way around we all know about the situation where the woman's not being available for the man but it's very common where the man is no longer Desiring the woman and it might be because he's connecting to any pornography or anything but a lot of the time I ask them what is your connection like during the day now their version of foreplay which they don't even realize is a woman making them feel seen heard and desired okay now if throughout the day he's not desired in any way they perform and he's like not even acknowledged men seek desire they want to be desired now if the wife is not making them feel desired they can't be attracted to her back I get it yeah they can't be attracted back cuz then you kind of you kind of tap into a man's predatory instincts you don't want to be that guy that just takes a woman that doesn't really desire him you don't want to be that guy we're not in the 19 whatever you don't want to do that so what they want to do if she doesn't make him feel seen and heard in any way they perform he interprets it as a lack of desire and therefore he loses his desire for her so sometimes they just fall in love with a girl that might work in their office and just brings them A coffee and they're madly in love with her now asking him about his day and that's so they fall in love with the feeling of being desired yeah and that's why they fall prey to the gold diggers because they know exactly what they're doing they what they're doing they're like oh baby you look so good in that wouldn't I look good in a Chanel and that's how it works oh my goodness so interesting but okay so let's stay on the um topic of Attraction a little bit so we know that you know in long-term relationships say you know 5 10 20 years in um you know a woman after having kids obviously she's not going to be DED up all the time and a a man same thing you know he's tired he he's working people let themselves go and their actions and the way they look how important is it um to continue looking your best or feeling your best in terms of physical physical attraction versus the intellectual treatment attraction kind here's the thing something that people need to wake up to the reality is of course you don't have to stay on top of yourself you don't have to stay on top of your looks or your appearance you don't have to but everything comes with a reaction if you don't stay on top of yourself your partner is going to lose sexual interest in you okay that's it it's that simple so and vice versa it works both ways now if you think that your partner is going to love you unconditionally absolutely he can love you unconditionally but is he going to desire you unconditionally no but is it natural do you think even if somebody looks great for like 30 years 40 whatever 20 years do you think it's natural to continue being attracted to the same person you can do but you have to here's how you stay attracted to let's say for example you look great your David Beckham and Victoria Beckham how how you would stay attracted to each other is you stay curious about each other as your life is evolving and changing um what would happen is you should be learning new things about your partner as your as your Journey's going on the person they are today is going to be different to the person they were 10 years ago and 5 years ago and so the novelty can still exist if you take an interest in the person that they're becoming but if you are losing your like let's say for example you're somebody who has let go of themselves but then you're Furious when your partner says hey can you get like can we get you back in shape can you go to the gym you're being unreasonable only because I can understand with kids you need all the time in your world but if this person is not allowed to be physically intimate with anybody else on the planet mhm isn't it it's like if you can only eat one meal you want it to at least be a nice meal nice meal I don't think it's unreasonable request and when kids it's totally unreasonable I get it you take your time with it but without kids or after kids it's just human nature to expect it so if you refuse to change with that no worries but expect the sexual desire to decrease it's just a natural consequence both of both of them now some people are lucky that they both happy to just have less sexual desire or they both fade sexually in the same way so they're still compatible but if there's incompatibility incompatibility in that area unfortunately it will lead to incompatibility in their physical relationships okay and that's going to kind of lead me into my next conversation which is basically what about betrayal yes so let's say in a relationship one person betrays the other yeah do you think that it it is able to be amended like can people come back to being in a relationship or is it different for it's definitely it can be mended I always say it can be mended of course it depends on your own level of pre-existing trauma some people can handle abandonment a lot better than others but here's the thing with betrayal people love to say that the person who was betrayed is completely wrong and I'm completely right and he's a narcissist or she's a narcissist and that's the end of story but reality is most betrayal involves a unmet need in some way shape or form now if might be that you chose badly you chose somebody who has that pattern who's unable to commit to one person needs novelty and therefore it was a matter of time but other times it might be that you didn't you show them any love and affection for a long period of time but you've got kids they didn't want to risk the whole house and you've got a good friendship didn't want to risk it and then they selfishly met their needs elsewhere but usually a lot of the Betrayal involves a unmet need sometimes you know we like to believe that especially with men they like to say oh they just want to do it they just want to do it but if that was the case they'd want to do it with their all the time they don't just want to do it they want to feel something and usually they want to feel desired and same thing with women it's not that they just want to do it they want to feel a particular feeling that they haven't had in a long time so figure out what that is try and put it in your relationship but then ask your partner honestly are you addicted to the novel feeling of excitement if that's the case you're going to struggle getting back together if that's not the case and it was just one of you're going to it's repairable but in my personal experience if it's a woman that's cheated on a man it's very difficult to repair okay how come because the woman herself when she's been physically intimate and enjoyed it with another man she finds it very difficult to reverse her sexual connection with yeah with a men in general yeah so what happens is if she's enjoyed that experience in any way shape or form when you've enjoyed an experience in any way shape or form it's very difficult to reverse and go backwards from it okay because there's maybe a certain amount of feeling involved also for women because we can't enjoy it unless we're safe and connected and so on and so forth so if she's enjoyed it then she finds it difficult and so and what happens is um the men forgive so much more cheating than you would realize yeah so much more they pretend online and everything that oh I'd never forgive yeah deep down I I promise you it's more men forgiving women then it is the other way around because women when they find out they make a big show out there they want to tell their like what he did they want to post memes on Instagram and so on and so forth so by that time they made such a big hooa that they kind of walked out what happens is men they've got no one to tell this to this it's embarrassing for them humiliating so what happens is the only person they can talk to is the wife and she can kind of get him to forgive and they usually forgive yeah they usually forgive they pretend they don't but they usually forgive now the problem is men can reverse sexually women they find it hard they find it hard so say he does forgive her does that have any long-term repercussions though what if he gets really what if what about resentment more it has more long-term repercussions on him than her okay long-term repercussions on her is she starts to realize that she has complete control of this relationship and he will never leave if he doesn't leave now he'll never leave so the door is now open so before infidelity there's an element of fear that if he finds out I'm dead when she realizes he doesn't forgive it just means okay the door is now open right so she could do we remember the Forgiveness not the Betrayal I see so we remember the the fact that you forgave us more than we'll remember the big big fight that you had in the process so that's why it's it leaves the door open now in future and then the man himself starts to hate himself because he knows it's something that he shouldn't be doing society's told him he shouldn't be forgiving he doesn't feel comfortable forgiving and yet he doesn't have the strength to walk away so he loses respect for himself and it does lead to to slow depression in a lot of them wow so it's like for men it becomes self-hate self and for women it's just kind of like I'm I can leave I I'm at the door dep I mean it does obviously traumatize a woman as well definitely but the thing is she has more social support 100% women are much so much more social support so and that's a big a determinant of whether you heal from trauma yes and whereas men have no social support because every man would say what you doing all that's crazy even though they've secretly forgiven their wife for a lot of things and also publicly nobody about it so they have no social so it turns to internal damage wow things I know that's really sad men need more friends um okay so let's talk about a you know public and private are there anything is there anything between a man and woman in a relationship that they should keep private that some things are maybe not meant to be shared with each other with each other um I would say it really I mean other than the you know daily like going to the toilet not um look here's the thing your relationship the more you can Expose and um with each other the more trust you buil so I understand completely you don't want to tell things about your parents and you don't want to tell things but the only way we know we can develop a longlasting trusting relationship with your partner is when you give them very very damage potentially damaging information and you learn that they are precious with it they don't throw it back in your face they give you support in the process that creates a good relationship if you have to hide this that and the other I'm not saying you exposed cuz sometimes you do have a partner that's going to throw it in your face and do all these things but the hiding is a symptom of a lack of connection to begin with now I'll have some PE clients and they'll say look my husband said to me if I gain a bit of weight he's going to cheat on me but he doesn't want to and they're really upset about it and I'm like but you know what there actually he's honest with you okay he's being honest with you you know he could hide that from you let you do what you want and then start living a separate life but he's honest with you's saying I really don't want to but if I'm honest with I know from my past if you completely neglect me if you completely neglect yourself I have this terrible habit at least then in the process he's giving you the like the truth and if you take it or leave it it's totally up to you but there's an element of trust with the information you can do with it what you want so I think you can hide things but you have to ask yourself why are you hiding it is it because if your personal insecurities you just don't want them to know the truth about you or is it because they are somebody who throws it back in your face if it's your personal insecurities don't do it yeah if it's just a personal thing in you don't do it I know people who have hidden from their partner that their stepdaddy is actually their real D because they don't want to tell them that they got a divorce and I was like that's your personal there's no way somebody would be so judgmental about that not so serious but there's other times they say oh because he goes on and says these kind of things about my mom then you know you need to hide it and then that's a deeper issue it's not the hiding it's about whether you can trust them with the truth right because then obviously you feel like the reaction is not for your own like not safety like emotional safety you're not feeling tionally safe telling someone that's really interesting um do you think that should hide things by the way I'm curious what other people think about that you know what I think I think if it's something that is like what you said it's personal like it was if it's something about my parents or something that's really personal to somebody else that I don't feel like it would kind of elevate our relationship yeah then I wouldn't say it but I feel like if it's something that they might find out one day and you know if it's about for example I'm just going to use the example of my family parents parents it's usually parents yeah and if they're going to find out or if it's going to affect them or if they're going to be involved somehow of course I would of course I don't think that and if they can support you in the process is yeah that's that's what I think yeah so I think you know because there's also this bigger conversation of how much should you surrender in a relationship right so for example if you're talking about love love is surrender right so how much should you love and surrender versus maintaining and retaining your autonomy and your Independence in a relationship a lot of people think no um um you know some one p one party should surrender more so that you are safer um and that's what led me to that question but what do you think about that I think surrender but have the at the same time have the ability to walk away and have a life that you could kind of pick up again should it all go wrong the people who don't want to surrender are the ones that almost have a unwillingness to walk away if they get to attached but if you know that you're going to give it your all but if worst case scenario happens I'd be okay that's when you can enjoy love what I mean by that is I'm going to give you everything I got I'm going to be loyal I'm going to be financially stable for you I'm going to do everything but if you don't appreciate that no worries I'll just take it and I'll move on with my life but the people who are playing hard to get you don't know if the relationship is going to end because you're not giving it you're all or because you're not compatible you leave with confusion right so you might I think the better thing to do is give it your absolute or Surrender completely dedicate yourself completely but also have a willingness to walk away if God forbid worst case scenario happened wow okay very good I'm going to ask a question that I think a lot of people in Dubai may suffer from um so we live in a very Multicultural multifaceted multifaith um City yeah praise be to God it's amazing it's really amazing and honestly I feel like it could be also a little bit of like the hurdle of why dating might be little bit difficult here what do you say to people who have you know met and matched however they're from different religious backgrounds and different cultural backgrounds yeah what do you think is the kind of success rate or I don't know whatever failure rate of of that kind of how much should they take it um as a significant factor in their relationship okay and that's a great question because in Dubai it's a very interesting City because the thing is most people don't come with their whole family they come as individuals and they come from all over the world so you'll have somebody from like Poland somebody from Russia somebody from um Latin America somebody like Arab is all over and they can connect they can literally work together side by side they can totally connect the problem happens is when they they really get on this version of them really gets on but their family values and their family backgrounds and their norms and values are not always in line so this version the Dubai version of us can really connect but our families and our backgrounds and our norms and vales are going to be different especially when we go to raise kids so in this bubble we're fantastic we can go to the same places for dinner we know exactly where to go for coffee in the morning as we get on but would our how would we handle breakups how would we handle child wearing what would we do if we had to co-parent and divorce how would we and

Channel: Sadia Psychology

Views: 461,959

Keywords: #sadiakhan #psychology #sadiapsychology #relationshipcoach #coach #muslim #love #

Id: vUg10rCwWvY

Length: 15min 47sec (947 seconds)

Published: Sun Dec 10 2023