Healing From The Damage Caused By A Narcissist

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic [Music] i know that many of you are struggling with a lot of hurt and disillusioned feelings because of the damage that's been brought into your direction perhaps for a long period of time by a grossly insensitive narcissistic individual with all of their control and entitlement and need for dominance they may have tried to run you into the ground and it could be inside your home or inside your marriage or workplace or in social settings or organizations and you feel like the very best that you had to offer was trampled upon you can have this basic question where do i go from here well i'd like to see if we can go through some questions that you can ask of yourself and of the circumstances so that you can try to come to terms with that question where are we going to go from here and the first question is what are we going to do about the gaslighting that these people throw at you because when you talk with them about the damage or if you even wish to harbor the wish that says maybe i can come to terms with these people you know they're going to turn around and say wait a minute what you think is true is not true at all and they try to keep you in a state of confusion let's be very clear that they threw things that you that you simply did not deserve and let's name it okay you didn't deserve the invalidations that were given to you many times over and all the shame and the guilt induction that went along with it you didn't deserve character assassination that's something that no human being needs to put up with you didn't deserve their micromanaging and their constant criticizing you didn't deserve their double standards that they kept throwing at you they're in their entitlement they thought that they were better than you and you were less than no that was wrong and let's let's name it and let's let's acknowledge it for the wrong that it was you didn't deserve being lied to you didn't deserve being alienated or isolated from people that otherwise might have been able to love you and you didn't deserve the loneliness that came along with that you didn't deserve all the constant arguing and rage and and and uh and anger that they threw at you and then somehow or another it was your fault none of that was deserved you didn't deserve to be stripped of your worth and your dignity so one of the first things we're going to do is we're going to say let's be honest that person was wrong they brought many ingredients to the table that no matter how they try to rationalize it it just simply should never have come your way and so it's so important for you to claim that as truth now we're also going to ask the question uh how are you going to change the past and the answer is you don't we're going to acknowledge that the past is what it is it's fixed it's set in concrete it's not going anywhere and furthermore we're also going to say that there's a real good possibility that those individuals from your past are probably not going to make adjustments in their interpretations of who they are most narcissists don't have enough healthy true guilt to say i was really wrong and i need to make restitution and so when we say well how am i going to make that past part go away the answer is you don't they're just certain ugly truths that are there then we'll ask the question though what do you owe that abusive person keeping in mind that as you try to get away and as you say this isn't working for me they're going to come back at you with all sorts of entitled attitudes because that's what they do you can't do this and you owe me this or get over here and try this again or you need to make uh you need to make restitution to me you know what i don't owe you anything you've brought enough damage to my life and if the only thing that you want to do as i respond to your damaging behavior is is to say well here's more that you owe me sorry i'm not there anymore i'm hoping you can say i owe that person nothing as i move away from the damage they've created now another question is what do you owe yourself that's a good question you owe yourself the gift of self-respect yo yourself the gift of dignity you owe yourself the gift of decisiveness you owe yourself the gift of assertiveness you owe yourself the gift of placing yourself under better circumstances uh i want you to see yourself as being the chairman of the let's make things a bit better committee and uh let's move forward knowing that i'm gonna get what i know is right and proper it's not selfishness it's just plain old healthy self-preservation you owe that to yourself now another question as you try to come to terms with the damage these people have created is do you think you ought to forgive that person and i know that can be a tricky question because many people think of that as letting that individual off the hook and certainly that's not what we're talking about i do think this if i'm in your shoes i don't want you to be tethered to that wrongdoer through hate and contempt and bitterness that's their game that's who they are and uh as you're trying to move away from that it's like i don't want to be like that person and it may be that you'll you'll not be able to say i forgive in the fullest sense of the word although that may be a goal that you can aim for i do hope that you can say i'm i'm not going to get bogged down in ongoing reactive emotions towards an individual who has nothing but poor ingredients to throw in my direction now what are you gonna another question is what are you gonna do with the ongoing disdain that that narcissist has for you you know they'll uh they'll come back at you with ongoing insults or they'll say that you've misinterpreted or it's not what you think okay what i'm gonna do with that ongoing disdain is i'm going to declare their interpretations as irrelevant sorry you tried you tried to get into my head long enough and you tried to make me think exactly the way that you said i'm going to think that's no longer relevant i'm not going to filter my thoughts or my interpretations or my beliefs through such an unhealthy individual these narcissistic individuals are bound by their own stupidity that goes along with their arrogance i'm not going to go along with that anymore now what do you another question is what are you going to do with the collateral damage that comes along with having been damaged by a narcissist in other words other people may have been told that you're no good and they're they're no longer with you or you've been exposed to financial ruin or you've missed opportunities for advancements in who knows what kind of ways well again we're going to say that the past is the past you can't make it any different but what you can do is you can decide based on what i've experienced today is the is the first day i know it sounds cliche to the rest of your life and from this day forward i'm going to do the best that i can to be available to people who care about me i'm going to do the best i can to position myself to be in places where i can succeed whether it's financially or achievements or relationally the narcissist can't completely take that away from me and then we're just going to ask one more question and that is what are you going to do when you get to that place of thinking you know what there really are no good answers that prove adequate what are you going to do with that feeling of inadequacy now here's where i'm going to go into my high philosophical kind of mode and that is we're going to say let's build in a certain amount of mystery to life i mean we could go all the way into questions like why am i even here on this earth or how did this pattern of narcissism and and pain and all the rest get going in this world that we have anyway what's the meaning of it all are we meant to just endure pain and then we die is that what it is well there are actually some answers to those kind of questions that would take a long time to unravel but sometimes i know personally and you may have this same experience sometimes i'm just going to say today the answers don't necessarily make sense i may have an iq of 180 and still it doesn't make sense i'm going to build in a certain amount of mystery there are some things that i can't come to terms with so what that means is i'm reminded that i need to learn how to live in my today the grief that you have is the price you pay for wanting to love but the grief that you have also is a reminder that you are committed to love you wouldn't feel grief if you didn't want to have love and goodness and so why don't we just say that today is what i have to work with and in my today i'm going to stand for drc dignity respect incivility uh these individuals who brought damage don't know those words they may know them uh you know intellectually but they don't know how to live into that but i do and uh from that day forward from this day forward that's what you're going to see in me in this moment there is no narcissist on this earth that can remove dignity and respect and civility from me that's something i get to decide and in doing so that you know that you're moving away from the damage that they wish to inflict it's like it's not going to define me you mister or mrs narcissus you don't define me and i hope the videos such as this give you some good food for thought and i hope that you can get to the point of saying i'm going to reclaim who i am and i'm going to move forward in a healthy kind of way and we have many more videos that we have that will help you in that so if you've not already hit our subscribe button i would encourage you to do so there's a notification bell that accompanies that if you have a need for counseling i would encourage you to find counseling if it's somebody that's in your immediate area certainly that would be a good option or if you would prefer differently we have a sponsor who could take it to a whole team of licensed professional counselors online and we have a link below that would take you to the online counseling i've had good feedback from individuals who have used that service in addition we have therapeutic classes our courses we have my free to be course which is all about claiming yourself despite the controllers and we have a new one called this is me it's about establishing boundaries with controllers in your life there are links below to that in addition we also have my books and other resources and i would i would encourage you to take advantage of what we have to offer you know narcissist can be very damaging and sometimes you just feel like you're walking with a limp psychologically for the rest of your life but i'm hoping that as you do you're walking forward and you're walking away from uh the uh the negative messages they've given to you i'm hoping that you can reclaim your truth and stand in your goodness and decency with the notion that says i was built for i was created for goodness and decency and i'd like to live in my place of peace [Music] you

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 64,789

Rating: 4.9776869 out of 5

Keywords: malignant narcissist, healing from abuse, post traumatic stress, covert narcissism, codependence, Dr. Les Carter, surviving narcissism, aggressive anger, passive aggressive, psychology, NPD

Id: ajuHR5FWt60

Length: 12min 53sec (773 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 13 2021