Have I Got News for You S60 E4

the thing is with these screens we can't hear anything i watched the show go out on a friday just to hear what people said [Music] good evening welcome to have i got news for you i'm jennifer saunders and in the news this week after another week of upsetting revelations about the breakup of their relationship with the sussexes william and kate relieved some of their stress on nicolas witchell chris grayling begins to regret his decision to closely supervise the building work at his constituency office and during a top-secret mission for mi5 one undercover agent fears his cover may have been blown on ian's team tonight is a journalist and political advisor who's just become a presenter on rupert murdoch's latest venture times radio so let's hope she's not too daunted by our massive audience of 40 people please welcome aisha hazarika and with paul tonight as a comedian who provides the voices for many of the puppets on the new spitting image on brit box or as i like to call it netflix please welcome matt ford and we begin with the bigger news stories of the week paul and matt have a look at this hashtag third tier robert jenner going for a walk with all his closest mates is that is that 65 million quid we have that and some people run him pubs just opened in salford yes this is the news that manchester was placed into tier three lockdown this week after a huge round between andy burnham and boris what were they squabbling over money and this week has really demonstrated that his attitude to negotiations is just that you just walk away at any time basically boris johnson will pull out of anything that isn't a woman after a 10-day standoff it transpired that burnham wanted 90 million pounds for manchester and was offered 55 million burnham then wanted 75 million the government offered 60 million burnham then wanted 65 million it's like an episode of dickinson's real deal and manchester didn't get the deal it wanted let's see how unhappy andy burnham was with that decision no it is quite difficult to follow at the moment because some of the labour mayors have taken the deal and then he didn't take the deal and then the national leadership says you can't have this three-tier thing i mean it's terrible people are losing jobs so what we need is a total lockdown please don't don't think i'm being gloomy it isn't it isn't total lockdown it's just total local lockdown and don't laugh because you'll be in tier three next week that's true boris johnson should have just done a deal with manchester and then nine months later just gone actually i don't like that deal anymore i think i'm just gonna turn my back on it and see if they came back again yeah there we go why has labour been criticized this week for their behaviour well kirsten has called for a national lockdown despite jonathan vantam saying that the science doesn't support it and kirsten it's just nice to see kirsten would depart from what his whole master plan had been so far which is basically to get up in parliament and say i will support the government while they get it right but i will disagree with the government but they get it wrong is that an impression that is an impression yeah uh no it's a particular labour mp angela raynor was told off in the comments yeah her choice of words let's have a look at angela let's characterize that hindsight heavy behavior but excuse me did the honorable you just call me scum order order from the front bench we will not have remarks like that not under any circumstances no matter how heartfelt it might be not at all i saw that intervention and i thought does that mean that on the back bench everyone can shout um scum it's not even heartfelt scum scum scarf but would we have heard it if he hadn't drawn our attention to it i shouldn't think that many people were watching no i mean it's up there with deal or no is that deal program no that's a government strategy why has the subject of nationalizing children been discussed in parliament this week another mp said paying for meals for kids who can't afford meals during half term is the equivalent of nationalizing children and being seen to be not in favor of feeding children it's never a good look and it makes you look a bit like scarm downing street has expressed concern over marcus rashford's campaign as they were certain the mbe would shut him up so in the spirit of andy burnham's frown yes who wants to play a quick game of who's got this frown and why are they down yes yes here's your first one theresa may and she's down because she was annoyed with what michael gove was saying let's have a look the second thing i would say is that there are many many areas in which we can cooperate more effectively to safeguard our borders outside the european union than we ever could inside through a variety of methods and arrangements open to us open to border force and open to our security and intelligence services we can intensify the security according to the mail theresa may recoiled like she'd found an ancient kipper in the fridge actually while we're here should we have a little look at the face of michael gove created through the medium of lunch foods is it his face it might be the behind view you never know back to the game who's that i've got it it's actually a brazilian politician called chico rodriguez and what was he caught doing this week smuggling cocaine in his moustache smuggling something and he's moustache no oh much worse much worse than he's in it smuggling people no is it restoration furniture is he got a tall boy up his pants police raided chico's home and found cash hidden between his buttocks dirty money [Music] in other coronavirus news what new tactic has boris displayed this week he's turned up to things apparently he um told a crowd that a coronavirus vaccine may never materialize oh that's the first positive thing i've heard if he says it's not gonna happen it clearly will sources told the times that boris was deliberately glam because he doesn't want to over promise and under deliver imagine what that would be like also this week tony blair was caught out not quarantining after a trip to the u.s matt what's his problem well i think he said that i acted on the intelligence that i had at the time and sadly it was matt hancock's intelligence and i made an awful mistake is that an impression [ __ ] yes oh no i could resist that sorry sorry it was a very very good impression um tommy cooper and finally how are they going to comply with restrictions on i'm a celebrity anybody any idea oh this is where they're filming in wales aren't they going to a castle the crew are going to be kitted out with proximity monitors which means they can't come within two meters of each other without it buzzing and flashing and reminding them to stay away god just think how that could have saved the bbc in the 70s yes this is the enforced lockdown of manchester and disagreements over financial support the government's latest financial package offers two-thirds salary to anyone unable to do their job [Laughter] so dido harding's going to be raking it in the government is looking to aid travel to america with an enhanced testing scheme according to grant chaps we're talking to u.s homeland security we'd like to get trial set up at which point prince andrew started sweating for the first time in ages ian and aisha take a look at this yes it's joe biden he's pointing that's my wife just in case anyone worries look he's fit he's he's young he's there moving his finger points oh embarrassing things that should be deleted more embarrassing things that should be deleted the new york post ran this story about joe biden's son trying to get his father to have a meeting with the ukrainian saying that biden's son was trying to peddle his influence and it was all undue and the sun has said it was probably a misjudgment um being on the board of the ukrainian gas company when my father was vice president but um there's nothing in it which means that someone like trump can just pile in so you get the mix of untrue and this bit's a little bit true and it corrupts everything this story should have gone mad on twitter and facebook but because and i'm just going to do a republican bit here because the social media elite are all you know left-wing libtards um like clegg they tried to shut the story down okay and it turned into a massive row about this story which originated on a um and a second-hand computer shop with someone saying this is biden's son's computer mac isaac who was the man who actually was handed the repairman who was handed the computer um there was a little weak link in his evidence he says the man who handed the laptop in was hunter biden although he can't be a hundred percent sure himself because he is legally blind i just feel that this is a desperate attempt by donald trump to just try and smear everybody possible because the polls are really tightening and it looks like joel biden is is doing pretty well the clegg involvement's interesting because craig is facebook's vice president always the bridesmaid and he uh he's accused of interfering now in the u.s election and he's got form because he interfered in the 2010 election to make sure that the tories won now what has nick clegg actually got to do with it got to do with it sorry it became a song what's nick clay got to do get to do with it what's nick clegg but a secondhand emotion yes but why is the very good description of nick what does he get to do with it well i think matt's explained he's vice president of well he's head of nebulous bollocks at facebook [Laughter] and it's not just facebook have been trying to stop people looking at the story who else has been involved uh rudolph giuliani yes this is the follow-up though this is much better the counter smear is this the new borat film where he has duped a large number of trump associates into talking to him including rudy giuliani and there's some quite compromising footage of him lying on a hotel bed there he is actually looks like a corpse giuliani with the recording thing in his pants come on what was his line i was just lying back in the bed and humbling with my undercrackers just trying to find the microphone it's probably because he talks out of his ass also haley mckennany trump's press secretary was blocked from twitter for trying to link to the new york post piece she said they essentially have me at gunpoint this is not the american life anyway trump's been having his own computer problems this week a dutch security expert claimed to have hacked his twitter account as a test anyone want to guess what he said the password was bleach [Laughter] magga 2020 exclamation mark that's the password yeah just try that at home with a capital m and that'll probably work now what's trump threatened to do if he loses the election he's gonna go to live in another country i'm not going to feel so good if i lose maybe i'll have to leave the country i don't know aisha where do you think he's threatening to go not scotland scotland yeah yes he's coming your way no he's coming for you close the borders immediately that great big wobbly golfing arse is coming your way it's coming he's going to probably go to the new golf course in aberdeenshire it actually makes sense and wanted to go to scotland he's got scottish ancestry he owns property there he's given his family key political positions and he drove around while infected with covid so he's probably going to join the snp this is the u.s election and the alleged scandal over hunter biden's emails one of the facebook executives involved in the row is sir nick clegg he's a beacon of hope during the covered pandemic i mean after all in 2010 the country was in the feverish grip of klegmania but we all very quickly developed herd immunity also this week donald trump was criticized for having a chinese bank account if he really wants to avoid serious scrutiny of his financial records then he should keep them somewhere democrats will never look like hunter biden's hard drive the last presidential debate made use of a mute button we're actually recording this before the debate but i confidently predict what happened a geriatric [ __ ] so on to round two which is the one armed bandit of news fingers on buzzers teams here's the first one this is the russians were planning to hack the tokyo olympics it feels like vladimir putin's been caught perving on a volleyball team and has had to retrofit some sort of alibi oh we always spy on volleyball this is part of big russia plan to hack olympics i always hack olympics with trousers around the ankles have you i mean i'm no computer expert how you hack the olympics well the floppy diskers i know the times reported the russian plan was to hack into the 2020 olympic website and stop fans printing tickets for events thereby leaving empty seats at the games they tried a similar thing with the annual lib dem conference but nobody noticed sticking with sports what has this man esseldin bahadur become the oldest person to do play a professional game of football he's 74 years old is the oldest registered professional footballer in the world uh great at dribbling [Laughter] here he is every time a teammate kicks in the ball it's a potential hospital pass on buzzers teams is this about the labeling of vegetarian food yes so what they're basically saying is a vegetarian sausage can only be called a vegetarian sausage if it's actually made from vegetarians [Laughter] yes it's the big question on everyone's lips in the eve this week they're trying to ban vegetarian products from using the words sausage meat or burger why can't you have a vegetarian sausage well vegetarian sausages don't quite recreate the succulent texture of eyelids and testicles yes i think sausage i think the word sausage is quite phallic so i think it's like a veggie version would have to be like a sort of a bean banger or like a a lentil horn or like a saudi snake or something yeah or a veggie tube or something like tubes and undo it for you a tube isn't phallic i mean this week they're they are trying you ought to try to pick a dilly lion they are trying to found the words what were attendees to a recent paleontology meeting banned from talking about jurassic park apparently they were at a conference in the software which included a pre-packaged naughty word filter meant that no one could type any questions containing the word bone which sort of limits you if your paleontologist does really yes they were also prevented from using the words crack stroke and my favorite flange paleontology's filthy does that have a double meaning then because all the others at least you would stroke a bone what is a flan gian what's a flan flange uh it's the technical round in bake off okay now why did sky history have to pull their new reality show about woodworking this week there was a man on a program on sky he's got tattoos all over his face and someone said you've got the words 88 on your face you're a nazi that's a secret code for heil hitler yes you're absolutely right that show was called the chop britain's top woodworker and here's a picture of that man and he looked a bit surprised didn't he well it's written all over his face he said it's not a nazi thing it's not nazi at all my father died aged whatever it was in 1988 and then everyone felt really guilty and all the twitter people who'd been saying yeah nazi were going ooh sorry dead father the end of the story was that his father said i'm not dead i didn't die in 1980 and in fact i haven't died at all and at that point i think skye thought maybe it means heil hitler after all this is the news that the terms veggie burger and veggie sausage could be banned by the european parliament also this week a vegan burger is one contender for a design award at london's design museum along with a 3d model of the covid 19 virus which incidentally you can get in the gift shop but only if you stand too close together in the queue it's now time for the odd one out round your four are an ancient peruvian cat susie dent a statue of melania trump and prince andrew ian there was some evidence revealed today by maxwell about prince andrew and that trial and the evidence came out but a lot of it was redacted and had big black boxes over it so we weren't allowed to read the interesting bits that we knew what they all said has that statute been pulled down by annoyed townsfolk yes in slovenia they've all been protected this week we're looking for more about image they've all recently reappeared except for prince andrew whose postcards have been removed from the gift shop at balmoral castle in the wake of andrew's involvement in the jeffrey epstein scandal a sales assistant at balmoral explained that the prince andrew postcards had been removed because i'm afraid he's very much on the naughty step also this week a court in america released gillane maxwell's deposition papers with some notable censorship here's one of the redacted pages to judge by the length of that blank it looks like randolph twisselton wickham fines is definitely in the clear this is an old statue of melania trump which was put up in her hometown in slovenia in 2019 but why was it taken down i think that it had been attacked and burnt down it had been um uh wooden yeah you wouldn't as was the statue yeah um and um yeah someone set fire to it i think we've got a picture of the actual burnt oh dear that looks more like in there yeah and a new version has now been installed the new statue is made mostly of bronze unlike her husband who is made mostly of bronzer melania trump grew up in the balkans and you think my god the horrors that woman has seen i bet she closes her eyes at night and thinks back to a time in the balkans just to take her mind off it where has susie dent reappeared this week following an absence i think her new book did not have loads of titles and things so it got pulled and now it's um back but it was called word perfect which is not ideal yeah apparently it was littered with mistakes and typos quite embroising for her and finally yes an ancient peruvian cat he appeared this week where peru yes now in what oh uh it must have been a a cave drawing or something or um on a hill yes oh it's on the nazca lines isn't it completely right it's a fox researchers believe the giant animals were made as messages to the gods the message here being we're not very good at drawing cats and it's time now for the missing words round which this week features its guest publication tomorrow's cleaning the magazine for the british professional cleaning industry which ironically just sits on the shelf in my house collecting dust we start with i'm constantly worrying about what in the fruit and veg aisle in aldi what i'm doing [Laughter] have you ever been in an aldi um yes really nice reverse gear and [Laughter] i'm constantly worried about getting too close to someone in the fruit and vegile in aldi this is an article from tomorrow's cleaning about the risks of catching coronavirus in the supermarket the article ends by saying next month's edition will include a case study into how opticians are adapting to new lockdown rules which will be out just as soon as the writer gets back from barnard castle next boris johnson gives his father stanley what as a present for his birthday another unidentified grandchild [Laughter] is it liverpool a knife named after him kovid19 [Laughter] oh is it from the cleanliness back is it a wash beavers next male stripper force to what after lockdown shuts club make ends meet ironically retrain as a sheffield steel worker the answer is sell his parrot nobody calls it this is a stripper from manchester who's been forced to sell his beloved parrot blue due to lockdown it's not been easy for romeo to sell his parrot he's a terrible chatterbox and is always spilling his seed everywhere the parrot's quite annoying too next it's been a good lockdown for cleaning firm called boston consulting group we have a cleaning firm called mrs bucket well we would have been here a long time trying to get that rachel flanagan ceo of mrs bucket explained how proud she was that they'd just been given the cleaning contract for cardiff buses as whale begins to wail no stop it as well begins to reopen sounds like the opening line to a david attenborough documentary here in the middle of the ocean that's david attenborough by the way as wales begins to reopen we are witnessing a return to some sort of normal well you had to bloody jinx it rachel didn't you and finally according to a new survey something is the most dreaded phrase to hear at work you'll be sharing an office with alan titchmarsh welcome to g4s [Laughter] according to a new survey let's have a chat is the most dreaded phrase to hear at work along with can anyone else not smell or taste their lunch [Laughter] so the final scores are ian and aisha look five points paul and matt have five points it's a draw but before we go it's just time for the caption competition bbc unveils new diversity scheme trainees so that's what a homosexual gets up to next local rabbit wins biggest pet human pride and i leave you with news that after gyms in liverpool are forced to close due to tier three restrictions police urge bodybuilders to find other ways to vent their frustration there's some good news at the emirates stadium in north london as arsenal are allowed to let in their most raucous crowd in years and in chelsea at a celebrity craft fair someone drops the matchstick model of buckingham palace that took prince charles five years to make good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] if you fancy some new comedy press red now to watch sarah pascoe's out of her mind on iplayer meanwhile next here on bbc one it's all kicking off in the brown residence [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

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Length: 28min 42sec (1722 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 23 2020