uh my confidence is in need of boosting there was a question on a recent Tipping Point on ITV the question was who's the long-standing editor of private eye and the contestant said Ian [Applause] himler my name is Chloe pets I in need of confidence because I recently went on a TV quiz and called Ian Hislop Ian himler was recently watching an episode of Tipping Point and they asked the question who is the other team captain other than Ian himler and somebody said Paul Hitler [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening welcome to have I got news for you I'm Martin clons in the news this week in Essex a traumatized customer decides to express himself creatively to deal with with his experiences of the Virgin Media helpline on a visit to battery dogs and cats home there's an unfortunate mixup with the used and unused cat litter tubs and on a labor party away day Rachel Reeves wins again of political stars in their eyes with a very good impression of Ed [Applause] milliband on Ian's team tonight is the BBC's Chief International correspondent who often has to pull out of engagements at the last minute in order to report on global conflicts so it's a good job the world's such a peaceful and happy place at the moment please welcome leis duet on Paul's team tonight is a comedian and Crystal Palace season ticket holder who says she likes letting out our anger at football matches being part of a crowd of furious men shouting abuse at the Players so pretty much the same reason Ian goes to mwall please welcome Chloe pets we begin with the bigger news stories of the week Paul and Chloe have a look at at this male elections and local elections are happening first person been sent to Rwanda uh Yousef challenging his inner Michael Owen playing a 13-year-old there yeah uh that's probably just um something I don't know what that is so uh is that the right answer I think the woman's holding up a list of the candidates just to show the punters that they really are this bad With Disaster looming what do some tourist think would be a good idea changing leadership yes bringing Penny Penny Moran yes lot of talk about Penny M how do we know that she might be interested though have they got a new lettuce out just a sort of preemptive one I think I personally think we should have a constant lce going rather than getting them in for the new leaders and ironically constant lce sounds like the name of a Tor MP according to a source in the telegram there's definitely an operation around Penny and if there's an operation supporting Penny what else must there be operation stop Penny what was the unpleasant surprise for rishy sunak last week he found out he was still prime minister a defection oh yes defection it was in the news and everything yeah it wasn't yeah Tori MP defected to labor he was a doctor and he was SC calized by the conservatives lack of concern and investment into the NHS yeah that's right yeah when the labor talked him around he said what I like about Labor is the focus they'll put on tackling poverty poor housing and child health yep he fell for it I love the idea that he said this government just really hasn't tackled any of these issues and we thought you've been in it Richie sunak is not giving up he's got his cracked social media team to work do you know what they've been doing they they put out a video to explain the National Insurance um bonus to us all we're all going to get 900 quid so they put out a video we got it have a look we got it yeah oh boy [Music] yeah what a lot to pay for a cup of coffee though this is what's known as a Tik Tok Trend where people put milk into cups of coffee that have messages written on them no wonder the Russians hate us but what's the really good news as far as Rishi sunak is concerned the first immigrant has been flown to Rwanda and just volunteered volunteered volunteered to go paid £3,000 yes's volunteering I think he's getting expenses so what that's just for the first month yeah and then he has to do a BN B I can just see a wave of 18yar olds pretending to be failed Asylum Seekers so they get pay £3,000 to go on a gap year to Rwanda I would have taken a jagger bomb to go on a gap year to Randa everyone's meant to be very very excited because we've got one person to go to ruanda you ever been to Rwanda Le I haven't but it's actually very beautiful country is it yeah is it safe well the Britain has decided it's safe so I guess it must be that's why they didn't send you well do you turn up at countries and people in the air go oh [ __ ] Le set incoming actually did you see how people in the audience started leaving when I show up I haven't been to Rwanda but I have been to Swindon and yeah that three grand as well but I just think tell the Asylum Seekers that they'd be going there and that's enough of a deterrent yes I mean the ones who have come in are now going off to Ireland because we've got this porous border which everyone insisted on 3,500 have gone across the border so if I have had a pound for everyone that crossed the border then I could send someone to Rwanda it's working and staying with abroad uh what's happening in Scotland the first ministers resigned he's had to resign because he annoyed the greens and then he didn't realize how annoyed the greens were and he said well I didn't mean it and they said you did and so you had to leave yeah that's the latest political analysis from me and it's the leader of a country has had to resign because he's useless I mean that's not going to be a good precedent terrible Trend it is as complicated as Paul said BBC immediately sent Chris Mason up to Edinburgh to explain what's going on but he seemed more interesting and just sort of popping in and out of the shot like a cheeky little news Goblin have a look at this and that is why its political Rivals are seizing this moment ah yes the general election this would be a sticky moment at any time and its consequences will be felt here in Scotland and Beyond and we wish that producer all the best in his next job so who is going to take over and shepher the uh joh Sweeney is it swiy or Sweeney swinny swinny s s it could be John swinny are we sure well they have to find someone in the SNP who hasn't been [Laughter] arrested so that really reduces the number of candidates yes it could be Kate Forbes she hasn't been arrested no but she's pulled out of the race she pulled out yes she takes a Hardline view on sexuality uh and is the daughter of missionaries I think we know what their position [Applause] is oh oh yes I thought you were going to do the pulled out joke well it was there I just backed away from it anyway it's it's a shame for Hamza Yousef because it all started out so well yeah I think it was quite refreshing that he did something that he considered to be wrong and regrets and then stood down graciously so you like the way he left yeah I love the way he left it was with Grace and dignity and we haven't had that for a long time and I like the way that he sort of looked over his family and thanked them as he cried and obviously Johnson wouldn't have been able to do that because they wouldn't have been a room big enough in West on the subject of Grace and dignity how's Liz truss's book doing better than we hoped yep it's at number 70 in the bestseller list it's sold 2,000 in its first week can you name any of the 69 books ahead of it in the bestseller list is it the air fryer book The Ultimate Air fryer cookbook um more Confessions of a 40-some [ __ ] up that only happened cuz Ian admitted on have I got news for you that he had the book and he read it oh so it's my fault hash just saying what's Boris Johnson being up too this week who cares uh he been thank you very much thank you thank you Floris and Carrie they celebrated their son's four F birthday which birthday his son's 44 that his oldest is must be um it was his son him and Carrie's son's fourth birthday all sorts of entertainment on offer including someone who spent the whole afternoon trying to amuse people in a foam rubber dinosaur costume a they all said it was nice of naen to help out so would you like to see the disgraced former prime minister Boris Johnson in hell yes someone on Twitter's been finding the piction of Boris Johnson in herous Bosch paintings here he is in hell so this has been a busy week in politics this week was the very first time that the government has relocated a failed Asylum Seeker to a third country according to the telegraph ministers believe the scheme is legal ministers that's good enough for me and following the relocation of the first Asylum Seeker from the UK a politician from from rwanda's opposition claimed that their government does not adhere to international law good news something else we got in common Hamza yousef's disastrous Fallout with the green party was described by the telegraph as one of the greatest miscalculations in recent political history to which Liz trust responded hold my point un least take a look at this that's Columbia University tented encampments the protests uh the revolution will be catered it's an extraordinary moment in the United States in student politics um people are talking about uh comparisons to the Vietnam War where students became very politicized but there are also Jewish groups on campus who are worried about their security so unlike the Vietnam War it's there's different points of view and it's quite astonishing the way it's gone from York to California then to Utah Texas it's really spreading across the United States and we'll soon be coming to a university in U yeah but the weather's not so good is it and it's all connected to the Gaza War student activists want companies to stop doing business with Israel and want their colleges many with massive endowments to stop investing in those companies the Republicans are absolutely thrilled yeah because they're all Democrat students protesting against their own president which you s of makes Trump look logical they were in the building for over 24 hours at which point the police were called on and uh here's a number of NYPD officers storming the building quite slowly aggressive use of torches [Music] how has Lord Cameron of chipping Norton described the terms of a planned ceasefire agreement he's described it as very generous and in other words hamash should accept it now release all the hostages and get Aid into Gaza and Netanyahu who's been very helpful defining what a ceasefire is said that if there is a ceasefire they'll still attack um Southern Gaza and I always thought if there was a ceasefire that meant you ceased fire ing but I've misunderstood this and who's made it pretty clear temporary Ceasar temporary Ceasar truce truce I'll tell you what I think we need now is a quick Roundup of good news stories from around the world fingers on buzzers let's have a good news quiz excellent why have I got bums I don't know press them and see what happens God this is extraordinary it's like finding out Horizon had remote access to the post offices Japan Airlines has successfully reduced its carbon emissions how grounding all planes making them run on nut oil chip fat don't call me chip fat didn't you want do an adaptation Goodbye Mr chip fat oh yeah long time ago long time ago they're renting clothes to Travelers so they don't have to pack any thus drastically reducing the weight of their luggage you can rent up to eight outfits for two weeks and then return them that's good news well not if you're the person that's going on the third week yeah going to these trousers it was a bumpy ride oh you made that bit up yourself and what's the good news linking daffodils and cows come on Ian Wordsworth if you hold a daffodil under a cow's uh chin does it make butter that's a butter C you g there's a chemical extracted from daffodils and then fed to cows that reduces the amount of methane burped out by a staggering 30% the extract is called hmon hey anyway it's really good news yes and finally yeah yes in the good news quiz you are no longer allowed to do what with a balloon in Florida not that Madam uh to it to a deck chair you are not allowed to deliberately release it good news because ingesting even a small part of a balloon can kill seabirds or other marine life so no more intentional balloon releasing in Florida that's fantastic news and the end of the good news [Applause] [Music] quiz staying in the United States what might happened to Donald Trump this week he's on trial at the moment isn't he he keeps falling asleep during the trial but that's because he's antiw [Applause] walk he's trying to break the gagging order oh they have $9,000 and he's been yes he's done it nine times at the moment you know there could be more after a point you can actually incarcerate someone that's what I'm yeah so he might go to jail but apparently they're trying all these tricks president Trump is sitting there all by himself so they got people to sit with him and then they put a whole bunch of documents and they gave him a a marker so that he could start marking the documents so that he looks like he's really really paying attention yeah some coloring in yeah this is the latest front to open up in the Israel Gaza conflict protesters occupied Hamilton Hall at Columbia University which was symbolic as according to the times the same thing happened there in 1968 during protests against the Vietnam War the only difference being that right now agent orange is sat all day in a New York courthouse in Rec weeks staff have been concerned that Joe Biden's slow shuffling around the Presidential Garden is making him appear old and dottery in fact he looks so frail that Captain Tom's daughter started building a spar on the White House morning least it's a little known fact about you that you used to play a certain winter sport to a very high level didn't you curling curling curling curling yeah well also brings us neatly to round two which is the curling ometer of news oh really oh yeah fingers on buzzers here comes the first one oh keep going keep going oh this is the strange object which is a Roman Antiquity which they was recently dug up but they don't know what it is it's a do decahedron oh do decahedron yeah yeah it's a curling Puck before they got good yes it means it's got 12 sides yes there 33 of of these do Deeds have been found in the UK but this is one of the largest at 8 cmers discovered by a member of a local History Society in the village of Norton Disney near Lincoln it's like Euro Disney but less [ __ ] the head of the Norton Disney history and archaeology group Richard Parker nosy to his friends he told the BBC that it was for magic rituals religion we may never know in other ancient news what was discovered this week that revealed Plato's last words oh it was a scroll in Pompei this is the sort of tropical news quiz I like yeah um and there are lot of burnt manuscripts but they've developed a new sort of laser reading technique and they can tell oh what's on the Scrolls it's got Plato's last words in which he's complaining about someone playing the flute so you think gosh I wonder if Plato had something really profound to say before he died and it was that girl's useless at the flute do anyone recall the singer and actor Adam Faith's poignant last word yes yes he said there's a lot of [ __ ] on Channel 5 isn't there but I think you'll find that output has improved considerably so this is the news that a do decahedron discovered near Lincoln is confusing Roman Scholars if you're unsure what possible purpose could serve Lincoln is an administrative Center in the north of England the artifact was found in the village of Norton Disney although if you missed the story you can always catch up with it on the local news channel Norton Disney plus one according to a newly Unearthed Papyrus scroll from herculanum Plato spent his last evening listening to a child learning how to play the flu so it's quite possible that he killed himself fingers on buzzers teams here we go keep going keep going keep going oh well done that was a tough one this is the new stadium in Manchester the co-op live stadium as it's usefully labeled on the outside which is still not managed to open properly they've sort of had to cancel many shows they were about to open up some people started coming in and a piece of air conditioning fell out of the ceiling on the floor and so everybody had to go home this is 25,000 people capacity but only six people have been letting so far and they went into to fix the air conditioning yes yeah whose performance became the latest casualty of the Arena's technical problems a boogie with a hoodie absolutely yeah yeah and here's the today program on Radio 4 naming him the new Corp live arer in Manchester has apologized after postponing its opening for the third time the announcement was made last night as people were queuing outside to see the American rapper a boogie wit a hoodie he confirmed there was a problem during the sound check when people listening could understand every word he was saying according to the mail canceled acts at the co-op live Arena included Peter K and Olivia rodrig and if that wasn't bad enough the Rick Ashley gig went ahead after a concert by American rapper bugie Wht the hoodi was [Laughter] cancelled a bit Scottish there is I boie with a hoodie I think you say it with your normal voice yeah I thought I wasie with the hoodie a boogie oh no it's hard yeah yeah a boogie with a hoodie no no Dudi after a concert by American rapper aboogie wit D hoodi was cancelled psh showed a digger and a dumper outside the venue he's a bit early uh a digger and a dumpers concerts next week other stars set to play at the venue include take that and Eric Clapton the Village People Say they've also been approached as long as they bring along the bloke with a hard hat and a tool belt just time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication guinea pig magazine or as it's known in Peru the menu and we start with you can tell your guinea pig is annoyed if what starts making faces behind your back yeah it's loading the dishwasher more loudly than usual you can tell your guine fig is annoyed if it launches a flying tackle Yep this is from a full length article in guine pig magazine all about how to keep your favorite fluffy pet feeling relaxed and happy now that least that's proper journalism next Queen Elizabeth I was one of the first people to what she was one of the first actually to do a live television broadcast when she was in Canada what Queen Elizabeth the first oh sorry no no no wrong Queen Elizabeth Queen Elizabeth is one of the first people to own a guinea pig yes come on oh Bravo next what the size of a dolphin found in Essex two half [Music] Dolphins false eyelash it's a catfish oh oh let's have a look wow that might just be a little bloke that's going to make the best Tinder profile picture that anyone okay next you can what with just two toilet rolls you can re-experience the thrill of the Liz trust government just toilet [Applause] rolls you can create an Adventure Playground for your guinea pig an exercise Park I'm close aren't I you're very close your name you can create a fun toy for your guinea pig and if it turns out that they were the last two toilet rolls you'll just have to use a guinea pig finally knitting club forced to apologize after what launching missile attack on women's Institute misunderstanding the purpose of a needle exchange yes displaying naked knitted figures in a shop window oh oh the knitting club in Shepton mallet Somerset received complaints about their display of naked figures and were forced to cover them [Applause] up that really is Village People the policeman on his left has got his genitals exposed so he's presumably from the Met the BL next to him is obviously in Tor MP so the final scores are Ian and leas have four but Paul and Chloe have a massive six congratul but before we go there's just time for the caption competition Ian and Lease have this oh you don't look anything like your profile picture and Paul and Chloe you have this passenger complains of long wait between [Applause] buses why has it been sponsored by an Irish rock band you too you too uh in case people are thinking I can't think of an Irish rock bank or dubridge on which note we say thank you to our panelists Ian hisop and Lee duet Paul Merton and Chloe pets and I leave you with news that in Islington a middle-aged man is disappointed that the one day is ready to play five aside football everybody else cancels in read a man arrested for selling Stone watches in the big Tesco car park says he regrets using a reversible coat and at a photo op in Norwich rishy sunak tries hard to conceal the fact that there's been a terrible accident with a clamp good night [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] topical sketch show satirical genius in a new podcast Michael Spicer no room listen now on BBC sounds well Jonathan bottle it out of the big breakup chat something's just can't be avoided in the penultima episode next [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]
