Guest Host Chelsea Handler on Roe v. Wade Being Overturned, Giuliani’s “Slap” & GOP Hypocrites

and now chelsea [Applause] thank you thank you thank you thank you sit down welcome to jimmy kimmel live everybody i am your guest host chelsea handler i will be here all week long or at least until republicans make it illegal for women to talk [Music] jimmy is off right now doing whatever he wants with his body remember like five days ago when fox news told us the biggest threat facing america was drag queens that was cute at this point i'd probably have more rights if my vagina was an ar-15 as some of you may have heard the supreme court overturned roe v wade on friday [Music] [Applause] there were massive protests all across the country this weekend and here in la2 droves of americans took to the streets and even in the face of such adversity countless women were able to turn their anger into some very creative posters you didn't like wearing a mask imagine being forced to have a baby pregnancy begins with a penis regulate that from philippines don't like abortions ignore them like you ignore school shootings i won't carry his load and get off my lawn not only has this decision further divided our country most families now have two separate group texts going one with the relatives who support the rights of women and one with the relatives who live in florida a lot of women have been removing menstruation apps from their phones because if they get an abortion they're worried law enforcement might use the data to track and prosecute them i also deleted my menstruation app but mostly because i'm on the eve of menopause guillermo did you delete your menstruation app my what we'll talk later all right friday's decision has made me a very strong advocate of the pull out method which is when you pull clarence thomas out of the supreme court justice thomas said contraception rights and gay rights might need to be overturned as well you know so gay people will stop getting so pregnant i was thinking to myself who would ever marry a pig like clarence thomas and then i saw this headline jenny thomas didn't just praise magga supporters on january 6. she actually attended the stop the steel rally that's right she was working behind the scenes to overturn a democratic election isn't it so beautiful when two disgusting and awful people find each other they are the ultimate abusive power couple it's especially upsetting when you think of how we got here three of the judges who voted to overturn the ruling were appointed by a man with over a dozen sexual assault allegations who lost the popular vote twice was impeached twice and attempted a coup because he's a little fat big baby loser we need to do something about this and we need to do it soon because i cannot have nancy pelosi emailing me 500 times a day pelosi responded to the decision friday by doing the most radical thing the speaker of the house can do she read a poem a poem that she also read after the insurrection that's called a whoopsie doodle nancy we are facing the biggest rollback of american rights in a century and she's searching her gmail for that one poem that always fixes everything and while nancy pelosi was doing a congressional poetry slam republicans were taking a victory lap and looking ahead to all the terrible things they can do if they take back the house in the midterms none more so than minority leader kevin mccarthy if you are speaker and house republicans win the majority what are some of the abortion bills that you would put on the floor first and foremost i believe in saving every life possible we will continue to look wherever we can go to save as many lives as possible just as long as that life doesn't need baby formula affordable health care or a place to learn without getting shot by the way kevin mccarthy since you mention it let's talk about what it means to be pro-life universal healthcare that's pro-life restricting guns that's also pro-life fighting climate change that's also pro-life listening to doctors during a pandemic also pro-life not forcing women to give birth like livestock pro-life but your party opposes all of those things calling republicans pro-life is like calling o.j simpson pro-wife we also got an exciting reaction to the court's decision from the worst woman in the world marjorie taylor green i guess your reaction to the ruling yes it i think it is it's an answer to prayer it's a blessing from god and this is the right thing to do the court they are so courageous hi praise god praise god don't drag god into this okay no god would be on board with marjorie taylor green even jesus christ is like jesus christ you're awful and by the way i'm speaking from experience on all of this as someone who had three abortions in high school and if that sounds too extreme let's pretend i had two because here's the thing this planet is a much safer place without me polluting it with my children i'm responsible enough to know that we don't need any more pothead molly-loving alcoholics running around topless i get that right caramel right shelter i agree with you yes these republicans are taking one hell of a victory lap in texas the state attorney general closed his office early on friday and declared an official holiday to celebrate roe being overturned the holiday will fall right between their other big holidays white's only wednesday and st handguns day so far the roe v wade day doesn't have a name but just spitballing here i have a few ideas forced labor day national women's rights are history month deliver your baby at work day misogynister spanika the vaginal unequal linox girl harbor day and then wrap up your d and stuff it in your own day in reaction to friday's decision a lot of companies announced they are coming or they are covering travel costs for their employees who need to get out of state to get an abortion including apple disney the us ski and snowboard team starbucks even bumble and lyft which is the least they could do considering bumble and lyft are often how you get pregnant dick's sporting goods also put out a very strong statement supporting their female employees don't worry ladies dick's got us into this and dicks are going to get us out but the real victim this weekend was my boo rudy giuliani did you see what happened to my baby rudy was at a shoprite in staten island doing a campaign event for his son when he was accustomed by an employee who was upset about the ruling fortunately he lived to repeatedly tell the tale it was a shock the guy hit me really hard knocked me forward about two or three steps i got hit on the back as if a boulder hit me and all of a sudden i feel a shot on my back like somebody shot me my injuries are very sore back uh swelling i'm going to go see my doctor a little later today to make sure there are no more permanent injuries so that's rudy's version and now let's look at the security camera footage of the incident this is what actually happened um that was not a slap rudy's penis took a harder beating in borat [Applause] a lot of americans are wondering what they can do to help and one easy way is to consider making a donation to planned parenthood but in addition to that i think we should do something even more substantial because women are tired of having our bodies legislated by men who've never had a uterus have never carried a baby full term and have never breastfed even a cabbage patch kid so i thought i thought i would suggest some laws to legislate men's bodies see how they like it does that sound good guillermo bring me my room thank you guillermo okay okay okay yes yes i love it i'm having chewy flashbacks right now oh my god you're doing a great job oh thank you are you what are you doing fantastic i'm doing great is this white part supposed to go around my neck yeah okay here we go okay do you want me to help you zip yeah okay hold on this hold on oh it's gonna take a long time okay here i can see i think i had too many tequila shot well bring me a tequila shot i i love alcohol oh my god haven't you heard anything i just said yeah i did i'll bring you one after the commercial okay okay thanks all right here just take your time all right we've got all week i am here all week oh yeah oh yeah i did have too many tequila here oh thanks thank you hold on okay i want my rbg collar to be exposed okay from now on no more vasectomies if you want to stop having children tie your penis in a knot and if you can't tie your penis in a knot you're not a real man anyway if you get a woman pregnant you have to wear a leech on your scrotum for up to nine months and then breastfeed it every time you masturbate you have to throw a funeral for your kleenex every man must now speak to a trained counselor before they're allowed to grow a soul patch also known as a flavor saver either way disgusting your penis size will now appear on your driver's license it will measure it in a freezing room in the back of a dmv [Music] if you are a texas senator who accidentally likes porn on twitter you must undergo a pelvic ultrasound to prove that you did not ejaculate anytime a man asks a woman to smile he loses three teeth men now have to get bi-monthly butthole waxings just for fun and lastly white men don't get to vote for the next 150 years [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 2,147,241

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, Live Audience, Summer, Guest Host, Chelsea Handler, Legislation, Supreme Court, Roe V Wade, abortion, Republicans, Clarence Thomas, Judges, Nancy Pelosi, Kevin McCarthy, MTG, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Texas, Rudy Giuliani, Back Slap

Id: v0PH1EaFFug

Length: 13min 10sec (790 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 28 2022