Getting Repeatedly Killed in My Summer Car

hello again welcome to finland finland one of the countries of all time cars sausages beer 0.07 percent of people 11 of all saunas lakes driving the tractor while heavily under the influence what is this world molotov cocktail why is the snow speaking finish and the sport of rally car racing today is the day we immerse ourselves in this alien world of rally car racing we're gonna build this good car tune it upgrade it skull 12 beers and drive it into oncoming traffic take it to the local rally race and with some luck win this journey was very hard and made significantly more difficult because if i die in the game then that's it i die in real life too so let us begin we began on the start screen i named myself helsinki farter chose this beautiful photo for my mugshot and began the year is 1976. a boy is born me helsinki father fast forward 19 years and it's 1995. our boy is living in a nondescript lake house at the lake of para [ __ ] upon waking up we had a near unlimited number of possibilities so of course we inhaled eight beers watched the incredible finnish film topless gun and pissed all over the hot rocks in the sauna in the garage was our project rally car or at least all of its bits this right here is the car's chassis and inside the garage was everything else panels doors engine block pistons crankshaft fuel tank clutch gearbox struts wishbones brakes shock absorbers cylinder head t34 85m main battle tank oh wait that's one of the garage that's in today's sponsor world of tanks gentlemen it is time the metamorphosis has already begun i am the world of tanks the greatest tank free-to-play video game ever created with over 100 million players can you guess what this game is about thanks over 600 million tanks destroyers artillery small medium and change i am going to assault the bridge oh wait maybe the german actually no i'm going to assault the british i will fight them on the beaches i will fight them in the fields and i will fight them across the 40 battle arenas spread all over the world do you know how many that is i have no idea i lost my frontal lobe in an industrial tank accident you would not believe me how historically accurate they made this game believe me i was there earn experience modify and upgrade your tang finish comrade join me in glorious battle against the soviet menace and defend our beautiful homeland download world of tanks for free with the link in the description use code tank mania to get seven days of premium for free 250 000 credits premium tank excelsior three rental tanks aiga 131 cromwell and t-3485m do it now or the fins will be defeated also they release some merch so go check that out right yeah the uh crankshaft fuel tank clutch gearbox struts wishbones brakes shock absorbers cylinder head head gasket rocket shaft camshaft you get the idea helping me build this car was nothing i was going to try to build it without using any guides was this a good idea no all these parts fit together in a specific sometimes very irritating way just just go in just go just go in not to mention each part has bolts and the devs thinking that screwing in hundreds of volts would be far too easy elected to make every single one have a size wait you can't bolt this party with the spanner sorry [ __ ] that's the wrong spanner try again sweaty if i was gonna build this car it was going to take a long long time so naturally i got bored went to bed was broken in the middle of the night by the phone ringing and i couldn't see [ __ ] to make matters even worse was the most annoying character in the entire game to get rid of bug i need to take a trip into town and get some mosquito spray among some other very important items like beer and sausages i had two vehicles to choose from this motorbike which can only carry one thing at a time or the tractor which is really really really slow 20 minutes later i arrived in the bustling metropolis of i bought my groceries and then drove the tractor for another 20 minutes back home building the car was gonna take a long time so while i struggle to figure out what the hell the distributor is and why i would need it for my car why don't we talk about engines an engine's job is simple convert the chemical energy of gasoline into kinetic energy in the car first off we start with suck squeeze bang and blow the four steps of a four-stroke engine the engine sucks in a mixture of fuel and air squeezes it really tight ignites it with a spark plug and blows out the exhaust a little car has four cylinders each sucking squeezing banging and blowing these four cylinders house four pistons which each connect to the crankshaft the pistons go up and down and the crankshaft goes round and round the crankshaft is connected to the wheels through the clutch and gearbox put your foot down on the gas the engine spins faster the wheels spin faster and off you go simple right yeah well obviously it's not that easy as you can clearly see by my inability to assemble the clutch my man it's been 30 minutes why can't you figure it out no no stop stop [ __ ] stop stop stop [ __ ] the car with the tractor next up is suspension [Music] now why do we need suspension well without it things get a bit bumpy you need suspension not only to absorb bumps in the road but also keep the wheels in contact with it brakes probably the most simple part of the car the brake discs are connected directly to the wheels when you press on the brake pedal brake pads push against the discs and convert their kinetic energy into heat and there we go i'd pretty much finish the car you know excluding the wiring wheels tires brake fluid clutch fluid engine oil coolant camshaft alignment and replacing about 15 parts that would inevitably break within five minutes of driving you know we were basically done i retired back to the house to eat some food and drink a bit of water but i couldn't the sausages were spoiled in fact all the food in the fridge was spoiled oh no i had spent so long working on the car that my house had been disconnected from the electricity for not paying in time this could not have come at a worse time because i had zero food and tomorrow was sunday teemo's is not open on sunday of course i didn't know this so i rode into town in a mild panic after my hunger meter had gone red teemo open up open up i need to eat your [ __ ] the sun had well and truly come up which told me that teemo's was clearly not going to open today so i elected to ride my bike back home on my way back i came across the dance pavilion which had two cars outside of it blasting some [ __ ] bees the game actually let me open the back doors of this car and climb inside so seeing that i had nothing better to do i gave it a go and hopped in this was a terrible mistake immediately it was clear that the man driving had in fact consumed a rather large amount of alcohol prior and was driving at an alarmingly high speed with alarmingly low control i then made an even worse decision and swore at the driver this put him into a frenzied rage and he immediately stomped the gas drove straight into a tree and died well [ __ ] the only thing i could really do was hop out and walk home so that's what i did things however were not looking good being out in the sun and running home like this was rapidly increasing my thirst i walked for what felt like hours along the dirt track leading home and eventually my house was just visible in the distance i was so close to water i reached the mailbox looked inside to try pay the utilities collapsed no and died attempt number two this attempt did not last long i named myself drank until i blacked out pissed on the tv and died attempt three i gave myself the brilliant name gloriflor this time i was going to use a guide and try to build the car a little faster the first thing the guy wanted me to do was get in the tractor and go collect some stuff one of those stuff were these wheels inside this abandoned mansion the wheels were on the top floor so of course i went to the top floor ignoring the wasp nest right above me [Music] no attempt four i did all the same stuff as the late gloriflora but yet again died to the wasps like a complete idiot no [ __ ] attempt 5. [Music] this time i saw the wasp nest and managed to sneak past it without getting stung using the guide and some of the knowledge i had accumulated over the past 12 hours i was able to build up the car fairly quickly and before i knew it the engine was in the suspension was suspended the panels were attached and wiring wired did the car work no but it did in fact look like a car all this work had been quite exhausting so i loaded up this little boat with some supplies and took a nice relaxing trip to the island in the centre of the lake i was here for the fish trap but also to just chill for a while and eat some sausages that is if i didn't burn every single one [ __ ] leaving the island i made sure to ransack it for everything it had this camera lantern coffee stuff bucket fish trap and fireworks arriving back home i needed to go buy yet more stuff from town and i still only had the tractor to work with hopefully this would be the last time i'd have to make this long laborious trip nope back home i put the final touches on the car wired the last things filled up the fluids pissed in the radiator for enhanced cooling and what do you know it was ready to be started i put the key in the ignition gave it a turn and well that didn't sound good this little crunch sound had completely drained the battery so while it was charging i went inside to watch some tv soon attempt 2 at starting the cup and against all odds it actually worked oh my god it started now granted the car was making this horrific banging sound but it ran this banging was caused by the camshaft gear being out of alignment to fix it i'd have to take the engine out remove the cover plate and rotate it back into alignment but why does the camshaft need to be aligned remember suck squeeze bang and blow this only works if these valves are correctly timed these valves are needed to keep the air and fuel inside the cylinder during the squeeze and bang stages the camshaft is responsible for opening and closing these valves at the correct time one valve is for the intake and the other is for the exhaust if they aren't timed properly it could be intaking air through the exhaust and exhausting air through the intake as you can imagine not good for mr car once the camshaft was aligned and the engine thrown back in the car it was time to start her up again [ __ ] this time something else was broken of course taking off the valve cover i discovered that the rocker shaft which is what actuates the valves was broken to fix this i'd need to buy a new one at flitari's repair shop so i did and threw it in the car [Music] oh it runs oh yeah oh yeah oh gentlemen we had done it everything seemed to be working i could even put it in gear and move this was extremely satisfying after working on this thing for hours and hours it finally ran naturally i gave it a quick test drive around the dirt outside the house when i drove it into a ditch and it broke [ __ ] it was time to take our little car on its maiden voyage i got it onto the highway and jammed the throttle all the way down the acceleration was bad the car topped out at just over 100 kilometers an hour giving it a 0-100 time of about 60 seconds miraculously i had managed to reach town without the car breaking down so i turned her around and headed back home this is where things went wrong perhaps running the car at full throttle constantly wasn't such a good idea as i crossed the bridge near the repair shop i heard this [Music] that did not sound good and the car was slowly losing power i managed to limp a few more hundred meters before it ultimately died on the turn off to the repair shop taking the engine apart i found this a blown head gasket and one of the pistons just missing hmm luckily i was near the repair shop so i could easily go buy some new parts unluckily it was saturday and the shop wouldn't be open until monday i could just wait but that would take hours so i decided to hop on the bus and take it back home this was a terrible mistake i left my computer running to go take a piss only to come back to the bus humping another car reviewing the footage i was horrified to see this complete dorbus crash into the bus while on the wrong side of the road now this by itself was pretty unlucky but what made it even worse was that this idiot had a trailer attached to his car which had managed to get the bus perfectly stuck in the middle of the road this is awesome since i was technically still moving even if only a few centimeters per second i couldn't get off the bus and i couldn't leave the only option here was to quit to menu and revert the last three hours of progress awesome [ __ ] this put us back to when the rocker shaft was broken so once again i hopped on the bike to go get a new one it being wednesday i knew that the only other person on the road leading into the repair shop was the guy in the green car but for some reason the road to my house was taped off which would indicate the rally was taking place further up the road my suspicions were confirmed when a rally car travelling at approximately two percent the speed of light shot past barely missing me i don't know why the rally was on it only happens on the weekend and it was clearly wednesday but whatever now if i had any sense i would have gotten off the road seeing as it was clearly pretty hazardous but i was tired and frustrated of what happened on the bus so i hopped back on the road on my bike and five minutes later got completely obliterated [Music] [Music] [Music] in shock i stayed at the death screen for a good two minutes before resigning to my fate disabling permadeath naming myself i give up and trying again [Music]

Channel: martincitopants

Views: 7,713,187

Keywords: martincitopants, martin, from the depths, factorio, KSP, kerbal, arma, arma 3, Battlefield 4, Tier list, Battlefield 6, just cause, minecraft, elon musk, gaming, dream

Id: 0KBbBFjGYmQ

Length: 15min 41sec (941 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 20 2022