Frankie Boyle: The Last Days of Sodom | Frankie Boyle Live Comedy | Audio Antics

it's just brilliant for somebody to just speak the truth and not care what anybody else thinks about it he's a smart guy he's a Woodsmith he can put his finger on the the pulse of society and and find all the hotpots I think he's a he's a genius he's our Lenny Bruce he's a you know he's a modern day version of those guys who challenge Society I think the honesty he says things that everybody thinks but probably they're too scared to say he's raw he's absolutely Twisted but it's brilliant he's a straight talker just like he Scot humor eh it's awesome we were considering sitting down the front but two B guys you know what I mean we have no chance it takes it to the ede fur than anybody else so this is like my first time I'm a Frankie virgin ladies and gentlemen welcome to the stage the man himself one and only Mr Frankie Bo from hello door how you doing me man are you a weird looking straight guy or a really weird looking gay guy i' come on your face just to cover it up too much you pay me how much I pay that was your [ __ ] effort was it when your mom gave birth she shot you out so she could leave her [ __ ] free for [ __ ] the doctors well you're getting a [ __ ] hard time for getting your phone out you doy [ __ ] where you from any idea just looking up and your [ __ ] cat started talking you have blind face there pal if you held that expression for long enough in a hospital you get [ __ ] Switched Off you're from Belfast I've heard a bit about Belfast apparently you have some religious worries over there we we don't really take any opinion of it it's none of our business to be honest what brought you over the fairy you working here no on the Brew on the Brew Listen to How popular that's made you in the room there [ __ ] 400 years on Irish immigration still a [ __ ] issue for these people I'll give you a job man cuz we might need to fight our way out of this [ __ ] thing at the end okay is that your girlfriend you do [ __ ] well for yourself man your her parents just wish that you'd h H up in murderer so they could grieve properly there in tears every time they see Shrek two empty seats right in the middle this is supposed to be sold out where are they I hope they're dead in a [ __ ] car [Applause] crash and what you guys here in your [ __ ] waste coats and your suits and I mean don't answer [ __ ] cuz I can [ __ ] see that you done [ __ ] jumping about glasgo in a [ __ ] morning coat with a side PN I once said people shouting me in this city from a moving car for wearing gloves gloves you prick it's winner [ __ ] [ __ ] hell are you on some kind of poverty safani who are you where are you from uh Glasco you're from glaso where the [ __ ] about are you the [ __ ] have you not been picked off what you do inside you you're from you're from Pollock what the [ __ ] is going on here have you Quantum Leap here from an alternative po go to a stage where people come up and talk to me in the street and I [ __ ] hate people [ __ ] are attracted to me in the same way that a store detective is attracted to a 2002 Celtic a top people come me they say Frankie what should I do if an exgirlfriend phones me up and tells me that she's HIV positive and I see the trck is to always act surprised Justin B was accused of fing a b bber said judge me on my music guilty he was only 17 at the time so technically that woman raped Justin Bieber at least there's something off my to-do list my girlfriend and I decided that we didn't want kids when the first one was about six I've got two kids it does put you off sex watching child birth I mean you don't go back to a beautiful picnic spot after you've witnessed a horrendous murder there child birth people say it is it's wonderful it's magical it's also watching your beautiful wife take a [ __ ] on a baby's head even cesarians after two cesarians it's like trying to [ __ ] some that survived a shark attack do you have the cesarians though two vaginal bths and it's like you're trying to [ __ ] a dying man's handshake it's like punching smoke so I good excuse to never go down on your partner again no the last guy saw coming out there didn't exactly have a [ __ ] smile on his face they did a study said the people who get the most sex in Britain is the over 70s it's an over 70s chat upline sound like here's a Ouija board tell your mom you won't be coming home tonight there's an object moment it happens to you seually as you get older I'm nearly 40 now that's what happened to you first time what's that hi thanks for shouting out like a crazy [ __ ] that's [Music] BR I'll abuse you so badly you're gynecologist will think you've been in a [ __ ] car crash you love me I reckon you're [ __ ] seen more action than [ __ ] Hil mind [Applause] where the [ __ ] were we all right this will happen to you I'm nearly far right the first time you're about to take someone from behind doggy style and you think I better put something down there for my knees May I'll fold up a we to I'd love to do a 69 hand but to be honest I struggle to get back up out of your bean bag so Cliff Richard was in the radio the other week and he said if he got Alzheimer's he'd consider committing suicide and unfortunately the interviewer didn't have the presence of mine to say I know I know you told me that already Facebook of a thing now but if you threaten to commit suicide in your Facebook status they say they'll inform the authorities within 12 hours good news if you are planning on slashing your wrists with a banana I already try and help out with that I check Facebook every day for people are threatening to kill themselves and I try and cheer them up with a quite we Frankie likes this see the ter praic documentary about assisted suicide I couldn't watch the bit where the old guy died cuz I was coming so hard that my glasses fell off want to get some proper [ __ ] trouble in this to I so it's a badge of honor isn't it you never see a [ __ ] comedian involved in a controversy day never switch on the yous see Peter K was at the center of a storm today when his joke about whether or not you remember da lee triangles was blasted by lactose intolerant groups I used to do Nostalgia Peter K I could do that do you remember when Peter K was good there we [Applause] go it's sack Jason Manford for having a wank in a hotel room it's not his wanking on the one show is it next up Phil Tel with the best budget line is cu he's wanking he's a comedian on tour I can't come on tour unless I've wrapped a student in cling film and kicked her body down a Motorway lby TV is a fantasy right it's a middleclass Bourgeois fantasy you look at daytime TV and how aspirational it is then ask yourself who's watching daytime TV benefit cheats and prisoners they don't buy and sell antiques they don't renovate houses to sell them on they don't have stuff in their attic and if they did have stuff in the Artic it'd be [ __ ] shanon Matthews well that was too much [ __ ] brace yourselves okay that was a [ __ ] sorb to clear the pallet is for that was looking back on a shanon Matthews material like it was a treasur childhood holiday in 20 minutes these Middle Class C shows where they bra a sad L I want a show aimed at the people that are watching it with Two Chefs try to remember that they've left Oven Chips on I want to show her got Wan shows you what kind of makeup to use to cover up a black ey I want someone on flg it it's one of the people that watches fog it are a covering heroin addict prostitute what have you got to flog for us today well an M Peg of me been [ __ ] by a staff at your bu Terrier I enjoyed the European championships I did but England didn't go out the way I wanted them to I wanted it to be on penalties but I wanted John Terry to lose his [ __ ] mind and blast his penalty into the face of a black spectator now I have to be careful here I phrase this next bit but John Terry has a rapist's face not saying he's raped anyone not saying he's raped anyone all I'm saying is if he does rape someone I get2 200 off paty power got my 90 bit I wouldn't piss on John Terry if he was on fire in fact if I'd been drinking heavily all day and I really needed a piss and I'd had to queue to get into the bathroom and John Terry was on fire in the toilet bowl I'd use the sink the only flu I'd give John ter is had wank on him in a Burns W if I had AIDS open your mouth John open your burning mouth love way England always gets really excited in these championships man everyone get really excited just cuz Wayne Rooney nodded in a goal that could have been put away by Steven Hawkin during a power surge's had a hair transplant someone should tell the [ __ ] they do faces now as well I'd like to see him with Andy Caro's hair he'd look like a rapist cabbage patched up should have got Harry redn his manager shouldn't they guy who looks like someone waxed a womo I like that b Little Mix just cuz one of them has an entirely oval face I keep expecting Johnny Wilkinson to run in and put her [ __ ] head off her shoulders she could been embarrassing bodies where even taking the top off is this whole debate on The X Factor isn't there should they let mentally ill people on there let them on there supposed to be [ __ ] entertaining I want Peter sliff on there singing If I Had a Hammer see we like him at the or Ripper but he must have won hell of a wank Bank product placement in The X Factor now I reckon as a culture we're about 6 months away from having product placement in the [ __ ] news a British soldier died in Kandahar today after stepping on a landmine should have gone to spec Savers [ __ ] Union Jack dressed in the front of this gig you're in [ __ ] trouble don't know if you've heard but we've had a few religious problems here over the years it's like the more mature lady don't remember me saying that do you do you know what I think you'd look good then 1996 [Applause] I'm only night4 you the tattoos down there man you look like the pad I keep beside my phone how you doing son you have a bit of a [ __ ] dim expression there you know what I mean you look like you only remember your own name cuz your mom's got it tattooed on her lower back [Applause] how you doing my not saying you look like a schemy you just look like you'd have a pebble dashed V jazzle your bra you got your [ __ ] phone in your bra you did cuz I [ __ ] saw you from the wings someone will get the wrong number they'll phone up no sound like I'm drowning in your tits It's a natural place for your phone isn't it especially especially when your knickers have got your ball open in there it's your story anyway what' you do I'm an interior designer you're an interior designer I noticed some inconsistencies in the way that you've designed the exterior of your face not in a terrible way not in a terrible way but it's it's not so much eyebrows it's more like someone's decided to underline your head I going get eyebrows so why not tear them off and draw them back on with no mirror and a lump of coal what what what are you designing the Interiors of offices offices houses people's houses who else has houses all houses are people's houses there's no [ __ ] dog house well there are dog houses actually to be honest you're right you're [ __ ] one step ahead concentrate on the people's houses that's where the money is the dogs have got [ __ ] all ever tried to sell a dog a lamp [ __ ] Str what the [ __ ] am I talking about now what about you man that's a rather strange [ __ ] injury you've developed there what happened to you burnt myself you burnt yourself that sounded awfully deliberate there you know burn myself how did you burn yourself I got burn a lot FR you got burnt now you [ __ ] changed your story [ __ ] one call there was [ __ ] no fees lawyers and suddenly you got burned at work minute ago you burn yourself you're going to [ __ ] fold in the witness box like a red hot Mars Bar what happened to you um I work for a company that makes a lot of hot [ __ ] and uh you work for a company that makes a lot of hot [ __ ] well I can see this starting to come together like the start of an episode a casual isn't it how do you put your elbow in something hot I just kind of brushed against it and I was [ __ ] I just brushed against it and I was [Music] [ __ ] a lovely understatement to Scottish people isn't that that's why you don't really get us in those kind of 999 rescue shows that America has you know what I mean I was driving along and I just kind of [ __ ] a car into a tree I ended up [ __ ] the car was [ __ ] uh soe was [ __ ] thank God there was no hot [ __ ] around I just jumped down ram my [ __ ] elbow into it like a man did you watch the uh Royal jubile I have a theory about the Royal Jubilee that that rain was Diana's tears but too soon [ __ ] off we looks [ __ ] now doesn't she looks like a stamp that's been in the wash they're talking about buying her a yacht as a present she's [ __ ] 80 o stick a cornet on a Pony's head and tell her it's a [ __ ] Unicorn it's been a year of organized fun hasn't it that in the Olympics you know everyone hates organized fun going out with your work best nights of the spontaneous nights we end up nuts deep in a dead [ __ ] the Olympics I couldn't get tickets for the synchronized swimming so instead I watched a woman drown through a kaleidoscope everyone was going on a bit of diving for some reason it's not even a difficult dive it's the same diving board you get a decent swimming baths 911 that was a difficult dive I mean good to see someone grab their ankles on 911 throwing a few turns on the way down nice to see someone come down we a bit of style that day just just one guys surfing down on a desk I said that as it was happening and it's taken 11 years to become acceptable that's a good event D it's the only event where if you really [ __ ] up you can still win gold at the Paralympics [ __ ] Camp though the dive in I said that in a camp way as well [ __ ] [ __ ] Camp isn't it that' be good if Tom Dy and his partner had jumped at the same time and the other guy had to Beast him in m d or watch the 100 met and think this would be a lot more exciting if everybody was on fire and at the Finish Line we had a big trough of water where we told them it was water and it was petol why was Britain holding that one it's not even a sporty country Britain's not even a sporty Country jjb Sports has an escalator to go down one flight of [ __ ] stairs [Music] you should have done it as a lottery you know you get a letter through the post and you go [ __ ] hell I'm doing a triple jump our contestant in the diving ends up being that lassy Britain's fatest teenager and she wins cuz everyone else has to jump into an empty pool anyone else watch the dress and think ketamine looks [ __ ] amazing I like the idea [ __ ] Jessica I do but I know that in practice my gut would settle into her abs like pancake mix filling up a [ __ ] waffle iron Victoria Pendleton can lift twice her own body we she's sexy cuz it means she still wouldn't be able to throw me off do you know what I thought what I thought they should have had as the commentary for the women's football Andy Gray with a bottle of wine he see national anthem playing and the camera is going along their faces and him going five 6 and 1 half seven if I had a drink in me that closing ceremony was [ __ ] wasn't it literally Our Only Hope of entertainment there was alqaeda FY they blown up even the survivors had have been applauding even people had been left with one arm had they been going [ __ ] well done guys that was really St B they James Bond at the opening ceremony doing a stunt should had him doing the other stuff Bond you know shagging someone telling a bit of a joke good if he was bending Jess kis over the podium and I turned around the camera and went I'm going for bronze 18,000 troops at the Olympics man how much oil is under that [ __ ] Stadium the Afghan shooting team must have been [ __ ] themselves you take a shortcut across a sand pit some guy has a flashback your death ends up being as part of the what happened next round on a question of sport don't know if I'm supposed to tell you this but I know that for the opening ceremony of the Paro Olympics they're actually forming a disabled super group it's the drummer from Death Leopard Michael J fox on maracus and obviously dappy the Olympic tops came through Glasgow followed by a junkie with a giant spoon do you know the to you came from came from the Nazis came from a 1936 Berlin Olympics everyone talks about the 1936 Berlin Olympics no one mentions the 1936 Berlin par Olympics really [ __ ] kicked off well done P there's your medal in the [Music] showers I really wanted to go to the Paralympics I did but apparently the parking's going to be an absolute bastard Saudi Arabia was supposed to send a women's team to the Olympics then they didn't I was looking forward to their synchronized swimming team in burkers bobbing about like a tank full of jellyfish apparently the Saudi Arabian par Olympic team is just [Music] thieves [ __ ] boo that you [ __ ] I had an idea for doing a joke about the Olympics so offensive that I would have to retire and then that Rebecca Adlon thing was in the papers and I couldn't do it right I don't even think Rebecca adlon's ugly she's a bit of a challenge wank but I thought the real star of this Olympics obviously Jessica in this right so my idea was when she'd won the Medal and she's up in the podium and the national anthem's playing and she's crying I thought it'd be good to tweet this joke I couldn't go out with someone like Jessica kice couldn't go with a woman who wouldn't feel it when I punched on the stomach I end up having to pay for an abortion there been no coming back from that joke I had to go and live with Jimmy Carr on his private island Jimmy man maxing car's raging that he's ruined the family's good name do you know it's in the heart of it for these papers they say oh we don't like this kind of Comedy you know but they like to titillate the readers with the jokes oh he shouldn't have said this don't [ __ ] print it then it's like a flasher been up in front of a judge and the judge saying you're accused of approaching a lady in a park and showing her one of these it's a weird time to be doing comedy you know it's the first time since I started when people have said let's ban certain words let's ban certain jokes and language doesn't really work like that you know i' had to be L on the last tour about the ministry defense I'm very anti-war so I was going there Ministry of Defense at least in the old days we were honest when we used to call it the ministry of War hello Ministry of war department of Nega bombing how can I help that actually comes from a quote from Lloyd George Lloyd George when he was British prime minister said Britain reserves its right to bomb [ __ ] and that's an important quote cuz once you hear that you realize that Britain's always been racist from the top down I thought it's worth using that in a joke for it's worth using that word for guy came up to me after a gig in Glasgow a white guy and he said I don't think that you should ever use the word [ __ ] in any context and I said well you've just used it and you know what he said he said but I kind of hope I would say in the same circumstances he went no I didn't so you can't really ban words right riage is get in trouble for saying M I don't know why he did it cuz he didn't seem to be able to make it very [Music] funny you can't work even a horrible word like that that's like saying let's just burn one book Let's just burn main Camp it's a horrible book nobody likes it at the point you burn M Camp you're a [ __ ] fascist society and you're not even a proper fascist Society cuz you've burn the [ __ ] gay book you're marching about in Peach military uniforms invading poundland why did you burn the guide book why did you burn the guide book you [ __ ] [ __ ] you can't call me that here that ver has been banned you must call me D in poop I feel a bit like that about the Leon inquiry right obviously the tabloids are [ __ ] right obviously and it's all PR now right I don't know if anything's even happening in Syria or if president Assad has just got a book coming out but freedom in the Press is important and maybe the price that we pay for that is we have to hear who rang gigs his shaging the only reason we heard that was cuz his name fits really easily on Twitter Yan ven good of hlink can pump who [ __ ] lights enjoyed the 11 inquiry I like the mchan on there I kept wanting them go could you end it up in the next 10 minutes mate we've left the kids over in Starbucks just to show you could still have a bit of a laugh there is a place for M jokes it's probably here not saying they should do them on the dictionary Corner a countdown or something and going into the break I'd like to remind you that Maddie is an anagram of I'm dead Bo I didn't [ __ ] kill her I left the with for hours air Myan should lighten up shouldn't they they're probably grandparents by now oh no wait a minute you can't you can't boo a joke where she's dead and then boo when while she's alive [ __ ] pig one Sur the real thing with 11on inquiry is who leaves personal voicemail messages who's ever done that I think if I'd been famous enough to get phone hacked what had I done is I got my friends to leave messages for for me claiming that I'd raped them but actually going one further and got a really [ __ ] celebrity impressionist to do it David Bellamy here why did you rape me a p of the fool that raped me white Grossman here let's look at the evidence again you handed me a drink and I woke up with my [ __ ] pishing blood why did you rape me Jonathan was here my ass house wedw marry Walker here I've been dead for years why did you rape my dead body the [ __ ] am I doing some people say you should never joke about rape I probably shouldn't have laughed through that some people say she's never joke about rape rape can never be funny to those people I say imagine Piers Morgan being raped by Lio from ThunderCats are just what ifs they're not real pe's Morgan being raped by Lono from ThunderCats funny at the school assembly of a disabled school not funny not funny but they're all blind they can't see what's happening funny funny again but they can smell something's wrong oh not the smell starts to turn them on funny again offense offense is just a question of your own personal taste isn't it I'm offended by banality I'd been a lot less offended by Michael McIntyre's last DVD if I'd been raped with it how's Jade Jade goody sorry man that's the only [ __ ] Jade I know you talking about go for it she's [ __ ] been dead for about 5 years you man are you just woken up from a [ __ ] coma or something this is this was covered on my last release po old J man [ __ ] didn't like Indian people but then hadn't heard of the concept of Karma yeah sh Pete you smell a curry well Jade you smell a lot [ __ ] worse than Curry now I got asked to do a questionnaire for a newspaper and they refuse to print it I think because my answer to the first question what's the most expensive thing you've ever bought and I put Al Johnson's silence you said have you ever told someone you loved them and not meant it and I put only my kids what was the other about oh yeah I said what would you do if you were invisible for the day so if I was invisible for the day I think I'd kick a my martist to death so at least he'd die what everyone thinking he was fantastic at his job or I'd paint my [ __ ] to look like a Jaffa mini roll and hang around a Bia seminar toisa one Cas I thought a sex tape of me was about to come out but it turns out those little cameras in the windows are curries don't even record how you doing big monstrous guy with a tattoos here man you reviewing this for the Digger Gaz is waiting outside for you we connect four in a packet of [Music] ham just story man what' you do bit this bit that bit of this and a bit of that sounds like you might be figuring in glasgow's security Community somewhere doesn't it I don't imagine you mean a bit of watercolor painting and a bit of bird watching there baby all right I'm old enough to be your dad but it doesn't look like it stopped him [Laughter] don't wor we'll talk to you all how you doing man what's your story what's your hopes for the future H to be a standup comedian I suppose to be a standup comedian might to [ __ ] give it a [Music] try oh I know you've all been raised on the [ __ ] X Factor and you think that's how it works right [ __ ] off there's no way that he's had the [ __ ] abusive childhood necessary to do this job what's your what's your real [ __ ] plan mate I make it [ __ ] convince you this time or I'll drive you in the ground like a [ __ ] tent Peg see what happens see what happens you better get a [ __ ] plan son you're going to be living in Glasgow in a recession you're going to end up being the world's first ever male prostitute that has to offer a meal deal mouth [ __ ] and a soft drink for 149 he'll be giving out neor points how you doing me man you all right what's your story where you from black ho black [Applause] ho come on [ __ ] Rangers jokes AR for 10 minutes sh everybody everybody wa for tell you the look you've had in your face you know when you go to the toilet you go for a [ __ ] and there's no toilet paper and you look in your pockets for something to use and all you find is a receipt and just before you use it you look at it and see that it's a receipt for toilet paper that's what I'm [ __ ] dealing with here what' you do up lle man don't you [ __ ] answer me [ __ ] there's nobody would [ __ ] pay to see you in here mate the only way I'd pay to see you if it was in a [ __ ] downloadable snuff video what do you do mate I work for John L you work for John le fantastic a surprisingly Camp occupation you've got there I take it this is where you met him how you doing you have a sort of look of one of life's victims about you do you know that you look like you're going to end your days screaming out your PIN number as you're slowly folded into a sports hold all some old people hello people don't worry I'm not your enemy winter is your enemy got we oh [ __ ] we've got someone trying to contact the Starship Enterprise Alice that's a [ __ ] turnup for the books I tell you how you could un that we performance power why don't you [ __ ] jump trust me I'll be a [ __ ] laugh yeah we boy now he's four it's the most important thing in the world to me really is especially now I've heard that my kidneys might be on their way out I was pushing around the supermarket the other day I goes have you done a poo they went no I've done a potato what kind of potato a bum potato it's Weir having someone in your life that you love that much you know cuz it teaches you about yourself I always grew up thinking I was a freedom loving person I bring my kids up without stif on them the other day I put my Amo around on a wer and as it went around I walked around with it so that no point was out of my sight so I thought it was this Freedom loving person actually I'm going this thing's a [ __ ] sushi restaurant for pedophiles you got to buy a dog but it died so a good tip for you if you've got a young dog yourself very important to adjust its collar as it grows apparently the average kid only gets to see his dad for an hour a day my kids get to see me for 6 hours a day if I remember to turn the TV to Dave before I go [Applause] out life St for kids now isn't it they don't get handmade Downs anymore now was a we guy asked my parents for an action man for Christmas they gave me my sister's Barbie doll with a tit scraped off with a hot knife you have a fancy Barbie man do you ever make Barbie Li up with we naked women off the toilet roll I'm a feminist basically women don't need men do they what women need to do is to invent a vibrator that knows how to bleed their radiators Beauty M stuff they get pushed in he sticking your feet in a tank full of fish and then the fish eat the dead skin that's degrading is what that is that's one step above having your [ __ ] pet cleaned by an eagle do you know what they did the first boob job on on a dog did it on a dog didn't win CS but it did come second in Miss Paisley 1975 enjoy David WAMS swimming up the TS that we should slash his hamstrings and make him swim the [ __ ] Ganges actually took attention away from that we guy did you see we guy that swam a Channel with no arms no legs I thought he should have pulled himself out the other end and going shark an incredible achievement by that guy cuz do you know he's not even allowed to train at his local swimming baths cuz it's impossible for him to get in the water without bombing did they see what they did at the Finish Line they see this they stic bastards gave my Standing Ovation here's two things you can't do you P [ __ ] C you [ __ ] flesh EG look on the bright side he never gets a Vera enjoy the trial of Michael Jackson's doctor we were talking during the trial about exhuming Jackson's body to do tests on it see if they done it I was going to watch on the news with the volume turned down and Thriller on the stereo did you hear the tape they played a tape at Jackson's voice under sedation show how many drugs this guy was giving him and he's going I'm going to build a children's hospital the biggest Children's Hospital in the world call it Michael Jackson's children's hospital I don't even think it was voice I think it was the voice of the pedophile demon that controlled his soul I'm going to build a children's hospital I'm going to buy those kids a game of wack-o but I'm going to lie under the game of wacka stick my [ __ ] up through it so when the banging away with a little hammers they're actually banging my carck Michael Jackson's children's hit biggest Children's Hospital in the world I'm going to I'm going to dress up as a surgeon I'm going to do operations on them put little [ __ ] and little clitorises into the palms of the hands so when I'm holding hands with them I'm actually abusing the little [ __ ] Michael Jackson's children the bigest Children's Hospital in the world I'm going to tell them they've been cured I'm going to tell them they're okay and send them home to the mama but it won't be the mama it'll be [Music] me dressed up as the mama and some Mrs dfire kind of makeup they'll wake up and they first night home to hear me screaming you're not okay not okay through a mama's face as I come inside them Michael Jackson's children [Applause] hus hey you're sorry you Boo the Shannon Matthews joke now [ __ ] got the clearest Heckle I've ever had in my life on that b gu was all right it was just a mad Michael Jackson fan right at the end of that b he goes long after your memory has gone Michael Jackson's memory will live on and I said in the nightmares of his victims well this is the ugly end down here how you doing man look like Allan Sugar's [ __ ] face I tell every you story actually cuz it's always hard to go back into material after Michael Jackson's children's hospital everybody take a deep breath and we'll find a happy place and I'll [ __ ] I'll tell a his story and then we'll [ __ ] move along people ask you people ask you about good heckles you know it almost never happens you know that thing where a heck will destroy the sense of a material I saw it once I was at a stand in Glasgow and a guy was doing a a terrible retain you know about do you know the Bob Marley song I Shot the Sheriff she's going I Shot the Sheriff that's what you're saying in court is it Bob well good luck good luck with the judge if you're saying I Shot the Sheriff be interesting to see how that case pans out I Shot the Sheriff right eventually a guy at the front just [ __ ] cracks and goes to be fair he does go on to state that it was in self-defense Scottish people aren't even trying to be rude AR they I think that's what people have got to understand you'll know this girl came up to me a couple of weeks ago and you'll know that she wasn't even particularly trying to be rude girl came up to me in glasgo and she wanted a photo taken with me and she introduced herself with the words you probably won't want to do this because you're a pure dick but and I didn't cuz I a pure dick the [ __ ] d this as well this is true as well I found a taxi the other night and a People carrier turned up and I said to the guy are you a taxi he went no I am driving a taxi it's weird at the minute we this whole Rangers thing man half the people are delighted half of them are miserable as [ __ ] it's like glasgow's had a stroke I like that whole anti- sectarian Bell do you remember that they're going oh we're going to buy these songs we're going to teach the police these songs we're going to go in and make arrest so Somewhere over the summer there was a classroom F of big Strath CL police officers who had to sit there for the day and pretend that they don't know the sash stra PL please still the only job you can get with three o levels and a grade seven on the flute I like to give it to both sides equally man the pope if I was the head of an organization with a rich history of pedophilia I don't think I drive about in something that looks like a [ __ ] ice cream van [ __ ] the queen and the pop I [Applause] see tell you it guys was like this is true I did that in the king theater before right and there's there's a we guy down there with a Rangers medal on there and I went [ __ ] the queen and the popee and he went in that order hi Rangers man kind of ironic that the only guy that does do walking away is David muray be walking away season cuz the away games are 400 [ __ ] miles away L your team getting R out in gelic by daughter manine if I if I had the sunglass go up to you right it's a place where there's nothing you can say that's so mental that someone won't back you up right so I remember a few years ago I was trying to cut through a park with my baby was a baby at the time and he's crying we're trying to get over the park to meet his mom it's Christmas time and obviously it's raining cuz it's Glasgow and it's [ __ ] weter than Whitney Houston's last joint they do sell sunglasses in Glasgow but only to victims of domestic abuse and a guy steps out in front of us and he goes you can't come through here I'm a steward for a Christian organization and we're filming an activity scene here and I said so you telling me it because you're doing an activity scene there's no room for me and my baby and I pushed past him I said I'm still quite proud of to this day I said Jesus would have [ __ ] hated you and I walk up through the nativity scene they're all turning around annoyed and I'm going [ __ ] off [ __ ] you I go just as the Virgin Mary turned around which almost makes me want to become a Catholic again so I can confess that to someone in 27 years since my last confession gave her lady the finger still nothing compared to what God did till the Dirty Bastard I get to the other end of the park and I see my pal Gary and I haven't seen my pal Gary at this point for 18 months which I remember cuz you've been in jail say Gary I'm losing it man I'm losing my [ __ ] mind almost punched a Christian and Gary's first words after all that time are I can hold the baby we have gay weddings in Scotland now I'm proud of that man I'm proud of Scotland man cuz we've got nothing against gay people have we unless by gay you mean English plenty against him man I remember I was drinking in a really rough pub at Glasgow cross years ago and there's only two guys in a pub and an English guy comes in he tries to order a paint of lger tops and this old guy here looks up at me and goes you sell your ass and the other old guy who isn't even with him go and it's a raffle who would have thought that the crankies were swingers by the way I like to think if I was at a swingers party and my car keys came out the ball and a cranky stood up I they're going [ __ ] it you can keep the car do you want be quick rule of thumb here's a r of thumb how to tell if your partner's having an beir they seem happy my girlfriend likes sex outdoors and I really don't so what we've done is we've compromised and taken the spring off the letter [Music] box they did a study said that love produces the same effects as cocaine certainly whenever I make love it usually involves the death of an orphaned Colombian Street child the thing isn't there with if a guy puts a condom on before sex obviously before sex I'm off to the pictures good luck if a guy puts a condom one without being asked I mean you know on a one night stand the woman will often think that's quite gentlemanly quite gentlemanly of him whereas often the reason he's put that condom on is that he's looked at you and thought bit of a skank how come teenagers need to get so wasted now used to be a [ __ ] a teenager I had to get them drunk noway I've got to soap them up do you have any idea how difficult it is to penetrate someone in the recovery position you know what a time limit is sets in my love making to hear an ambulance s and going off in the background I try to come to the [ __ ] Countdown music sometimes the ambulance cre will run out and defibrillate their body and the electricity will sge through them and as I come my [ __ ] feels like R Moes dying moments why are you letting me do this ambulance crew we work for Michael Jackson's chur you look like a [ __ ] junkie or something you a man oh you [ __ ] noding out there okay P it's your story and you [ __ ] know who I'm talking to but yeah I do look like a b of junkie I get that how you do man what's your story what' you do nothing yet nothing yet there's a [ __ ] sentence loaded with promise that was like a [ __ ] stage magician there you have seen nothing yet what's your plans man what you working on at the moment what are you going to [ __ ] reveal you're in the Army you're trying to join the Army I've seen nothing yet I reckon soon I could see you've been blown to [ __ ] pieces for not that Reon I don't know that's a future do you know what I mean how you doing down here you look kind of normal for this crowd you all right man what's your story man nothing you think I can't break you a lot of comedians just do stock put down lines I have a private detective who rapes people he does you he'll take the hypol himself so he can forget about you afterwards where you from man Co bridge and see why you want to play your cards close your chest there fantastic so who's your keyworker what are you doing cdge what in a factory you work in a factory what are they making there disposable blood units disposable units blood units the [ __ ] is a blood unit a bag full of blood could you [ __ ] life be any bleer Jesus Christ man I wouldn't sentence a sex offender Liv in coat Bridge bagging up blood can you get us some what about you what do you do while he's out does he just say he's bagging out blood and he's actually a [ __ ] sex killer I'm back from the blood Factory now the factory said I need to burn all these clothes again company policy what do you do mam just College you've just finished College what did you do at College hospitality and business Hospitality in business what a [ __ ] pointless Endeavor that was [ __ ] Scotland anyone comes to a hotel here doesn't expect Hospitality there's your [ __ ] room you prick what about you man right what's your story buy you're a student what are you studying engineering engineering what what did you hope to build don't know you don't know the [ __ ] point of that then man have some [ __ ] ambition man have at least the ambition to [ __ ] flatten coat Bridge man flatten it [ __ ] bogus [ __ ] murder factories [ __ ] replace the whole thing where we sign it just says we're sorry okay sex is different for young people now isn't it it's more extreme they got brought up on broadband you know what I mean my son when he grows up he'll come home one night and go Dad Dad I got to first base tonight an interracial cream pie second base will be smashing enough Paran in with a [ __ ] fire extinguisher you see a we guy coming out a bedroom at a house party going smell my fist wish someone had explained to me when I was a b guy I always thought getting a woman off would have a kind of light touch to it a kind of safe cracker kind of I wish someone had explained exactly how much it's like sand in a [ __ ] banister effort we Frankie think more like you're trying to get Rina stain out of a deep carpet I got asked to do Celebrity Big Brother this year what a [ __ ] blood bath that would have been man those people aren't celebrities there a group of people you'd have to hire a private detective to connect to Kevin Bacon they sent me a DVD the guy W in the DVD was what you call him [ __ ] py from JY probably cuz they worked out how hard it would be to EV the [Music] [ __ ] he jedward I have a theory about jedward that the egg that split to form them was actually trying to destroy itself there's a sign up around my right this is true next week Fun Run for the disabled how [ __ ] sick is that how should we raise money for the disabled let's show them what fun it is running now what fun you could have running if only you weren't disabled still having a nice spy contest for the [ __ ] blind something beginning with n nothing Well Done there's a real Tabo about disability now you know you're not supposed to talk about it at all disabled people are stereotyped there all the vulnerable the most vulnerable people in society the weakest people in society and they're not they're just ordinary everyday people like everyone else my palot youi she had brittle Bond disease so she was a whe I in a wheelchair she wasn't vulnerable she was the harshest drunkest most cockhungry [ __ ] she was vulnerable in certain situations right she'd thrown a bouncy ball in a small enough room she'd have [ __ ] killed herself he wasn't vulnerable now I feel a bit like this about the par Olympics I'd rather watch the par Olympics than the Olympics cuz there's a narrative to it people are transcending something there's more of value in the par Olympics at the same time there is an irony to celebrating physical disability by getting people to do some of the only things that they can't [ __ ] do it's a bit like celebrating mental handicap with a giant episode of Mastermind in which modern country is the ancient city of Babylon my name is David you passed on 25 questions and your name is not David how does the div in work at the par Olympics do some people just get thrown in oh he skim there he going to get points for that oh so surely the silver linning have been disabled is you don't have to do [ __ ] Sports anymore how strict with their PE teachers I'd rather not do fides today sir I lost my legs in a train crash get [ __ ] changed boy give your shin pads to someone else that's what else has been happening prince Andrew turned out to have a pal who was a pedophile billionaire had didn't realize I were pedophile billionaires I got fobbed off with a packet of fruit pastels s b scone had to stand there he was accused among other things of shaging teenage prostitutes it's 76 when he comes it must be having a handful of sand thrown in your eyes that's having a Hoover bag tipped over your head Greece is going TS up everything's for sale in Greece I'm buying Les BOS cuz have had a great idea for a theme park br's going touch up teachers might have to work till they're 70 I you about a 7-year-old math teacher was going to be like if there are two milk bottles on my doorstep and they're joined by a further 12 milk bottles how long have I been dead you right finding yourself up there it's [ __ ] hot isn't it I'm sweating up here like [ __ ] Peter Andre on countdown it's always vaguely Sinister when it's hot outside in Scotland isn't it's like somebody's left something [Laughter] on do you enjoy the riots riots were a good [ __ ] laugh w't they GE you just how rightwing all the commentators in this country are you know all these people that write their columns going oh should we going to Libya is it okay to do something about Syria when it's he the like shoot this prick he's got a pair of SES [ __ ] kill him every paper turned into the Daily Mail [ __ ] knows what the daily mail was writing Princess Diana's body has been stolen by space packies we need to be more honest about how we react to things people react to things in complex ways and we encourag now to pretend that we only react in simple ways so for example do you remember the case there was a we guy on a school trip got killed by a polar bear now obviously you watch that in the news and you think that's terrible for the B guy it's terrible for his friends his friends so that obviously you think that but also Part of Me Part of Me thought haha not ha but kind of ironic they went to a school called eatting bit of a posh holiday if you get killed by a polar bear really a good advert for Center Parks just a picture of the bear biting down on someone's head and underneath Center Parks [ __ ] but there's no polar bears I felt a bit like that about do you remember the case there was a Scottish lass year in Afghanistan a hostage and the Americans were supposed to rescue it and they blew it up blew it up who would have imagined that a rescue grenade wouldn't work thr the rescue grenade I've got a really good feeling about this they film the whole thing so at least our family will get compensation £250 from you've been framed the shot s been lading in the face and threw him in the sea in my favorite ever episode of celebrity wipe out Prince har is going to Afghanistan so now he might die for the same reason as his mom [ __ ] with the wrong Muslim going to die anyways a ginger in the desert you can get skin cancer from a [ __ ] cant Moon you know they just gave soldiers in Afghanistan bomb prooof pants it's got to really take the edge off if you're hearing that your son's died in a mortar attack to be presented with his perfectly preserved cocking balls we're a bit politically disengaged in Scotland at the minute we we think that NATO is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes I don't know if that's terrible or not but it's just my favorite [ __ ] joke we cause the world's problems you know what I mean we don't even cause them we don't even have agency we're just like America's evil henchmen you know we torture people cuz we think there suicide bombers the guy was planning on blowing himself up what the [ __ ] are you going to do to him he's a Muslim get him a aicardi and Coke he'll tell you everything terrorists are [ __ ] overrated they're [ __ ] morons that guy in Norway my plan for white supremacy step one kill 68 white people white supremacy what kind of a [ __ ] position is that I want to live in a world where white people reign supreme you already do you stupid [ __ ] you're already [ __ ] do you just got yourself sent to jail that's run by black people that's where the white people put them cuz they're [ __ ] racist [ __ ] they up loved you 30 years since the Faulkland War 30 years and yet Simon Weston doesn't seem to have aged a day does he I think he'd laugh at that joke if his face could still move Scotland just Scotland just got voted the manliest nation on Earth I think it's the women of Scotland the won us that award most Scottish thing I've ever seen we got lost in the west hen way went to his Pub it's like a really old Pub and it's got Timbers going across the ceiling as you're going to the lounge bar and this big rugby player guy in a Scotland rugby top through with a tree of drinks and he walks bang face first into one of these Timbers doesn't spill a drink takes a step back and goes [ __ ] you beam I think I think English people have a stereotype us don't they we get harder to understand as we get drunker I've always found the opposite is true I find you meet someone at the start of the night and they're like then you see them after like eight drinks and I doorway on their phone going I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be allowed to speak to my own wife the film of that Brad Pit thing in Glasgow thousands of people down there mostly locals hoping to be adopted they filled the streets with zombies just by suspending the methodone program for to H like kind there man Andy m is not even miserable is he that's just what a Scottish guy looks like when he's never allowed to eat chips it's a different [ __ ] world up here isn't it man you see a kid with stabilizers in his bike in Glasgow doesn't mean he can't cycle sometimes it means he needs to be able to do his paper round drunk David Cameron left his kid in the pub I like to think that I'd realize that I left my kid in the pub at the point where I was strapping My Bodyguard into a boost seat never see Scottish kids in the pub do you well not since the Smoking Man Cameron's behind in the PO to Ed miliband what must that feel like I must be like hearing that your wife's left you for a dildo for Milan like finding a toilet so dirty you'd rather just [ __ ] your pants [ __ ] people we've elected over the last few years man limber OPC a [ __ ] banana with Down Syndrome Boris Johnson a guy who always looks like he's just broken a hotel trouser press trying to reheat a meat pie getting further and further away from democracy in this country what we call democracy has got further and further away from reality so I was a kid thater was in thought I didn't vote for this most people did vote for it and she's doing exactly what she said she was going to do deep throat in Satan's talk so hard that she could lick his black balls on the downstroke and then years later labor in and you think well I voted for this but they're not doing what they said they would do and now with the Coalition you think well nobody voted for this nobody voted for the [ __ ] cuts and if you're a liberal Democrat voter they're doing exactly the opposite of what they said they were going to do they're leading Us by stages they're leading Us by stages to the next general election you go into a poll Booth you be confronted by a piece of paper with draws of four different desserts on it you'll tick the one you least and you'll get raped by a clown and you'll think the Clown's going to come inside you but at the last minute he'll pull out and I'll be confetti they're [ __ ] immoral people that's the problem they're not moral you know that let's withdraw benefits to encourage people back into work well if there's no jobs that's let's saying let's withdraw medicine to encourage people to become [ __ ] immortal with a culture in freef Fall that's what I just switch your TV on man if you seen that show where they get heavily disabled people to go on dates what's it called the only ways Essex and that's that's the role models now if you're a young woman now that's what you aspire to to being fired into more often than [ __ ] Tupac the voice I watched one episode of The Voice and my cringe reflex got such a workout I can now clinch my face into a fist Jesse J to me looks like a flightless butt that's somehow got its head stuck in a chemotherapy wig she came out as bisexual brilliant now women cannot fancy her as well [ __ ] zombie culture do you know what I mean anyone who makes money will just never retire Madonna will keep getting her tits out madon his TTS look like the kind of things you'd buy in a pet shop for dogs to chew As a treat blur blur a [ __ ] cheese making [ __ ] a new labor [ __ ] a fake Cockney [ __ ] and a [Applause] [ __ ] so I I get one final sweep on the Death Star I'm doing a show on Channel 4 channel 4 a channel so cynical that they'll probably Rebrand the Paro Olympics embarrassing bod sports day they haven't Stood Still over the years they invented E4 for morons and E4 plus one for morons who can't tell the time put old wetney houon it was only the other day that the grief really hit me when lad Brooks explained that for my accumulator to pay out Gaza would have had to have died first her family said at least she was clean when she died and she must have been she been the bath for now Steve Jobs died anyone else think it was ironic that Steve Jobs got thinner as his laptop's got thinner by the time he invented the MacBook Air he is a [Music] ghost I came up with use for the iPad the iPad's for taking the piss out of fat people what you do is you sit in the train you wait for a fat person that sit beside you and then you go excuse me I think I left my iPhone on that chair oh you squashed at your fat CS I did a great thing now there said that the Wi-Fi signal from laptops might damage sperm now to be honest I've been checking sperman the laptops on and it seems to be fine if anything it's a laptop that gets damaged but an over filled toasty and that was suddenly too much you're a [ __ ] strange crowd I've always had this talent to say it's a kind of reflex to say the most horrible thing possible remember when I was a teacher I was a teacher guy in clasp put his hand up I think he was trying to embarrass me right he went sir see for my story I need a euphemism for erection and I said rapist's [Music] crowbar it's a curse it is a curse you know I went out with this girl for years and we were in love we're both in love we live together all that stuff we split up then years later I saw in a in a railway station and we're talking for 5 minutes and it's one of those things we were talking for 5 minutes it's like you've never been apart and as she left she turned around and she said do you ever think of me and I said to stop myself from coming so it's a curse you know and I got a lot of hate I would point out no one could ever hate me half as much as I don't care it's good to be hated by morons it is it's good to wake up in the morning knowing that there's people out there that dance in my grave but if I get buried at Sea they'll all [ __ ] drown who was the last one I was doing some jokes about Robbie Savage and he got annoyed and he wanted to fight me tweeted me wanted to fight me I was like you keep fighting Evolution and I'll fight the winner we had trouble with Jordan last year no I don't I don't create the culture I just comment on the culture and if the culture throws up a big tted surgery abuse victim I only know about her disabled kid cuz he turns up in her publicity I'll do a [ __ ] joke about it I can prove that the joke's framed at Jordan cuz there's no way that Harvey was watching that [ __ ] show people said oh Harvey will get bullied at school because of that joke you tell me there kids at school what Harvey who' like to bully him but can't think of an angle so don't be light-hearted joke about Jordan to lighten things up here we go what's the difference between Jordan and a pair of curtains nothing they both make the world a darker place she was in the paper yesterday saying she's a Marmite personality and she is cuz half the country hates her and the other half think that she belongs on the end of a [ __ ] knife [Applause] ay War Thompson got done for Nick and cheese five times they filmed him before the police turned up i' been down there a lot quicker if it was [ __ ] Angley har I like that we delay there where we worked out if that was racist or not it wasn't [ __ ] off imine filming him for Nick and chees bet if they come in and open up in the morning found him with his neck broken in a giant mouse trap apparently that Ginger beard thing have you ever heard this that this is a viking thing that the idea would be there was no native British gingerbeard so this would have come from the Vikings which is why I think I'm not that athletic cuz almost by definition my great great great great granny couldn't run very fast if you think about it if you go far back along enough any of our genetic lines were all at some point the product of rape with me it's my dad uh I say my dad it could be anyone of cameroon's 1982 World Cup squad you all right lady with the pink here you okay you haven't smiled all night you okay Scooby-Doo [ __ ] off on you okay I'll talk about one last thing cuz after I talk about this it's kind of too horrible to talk about anything else last thing I want to talk about is do you remember the case recently where a bunch of guys in Rochdale operating out of a baly house were for one of a better phrase they were [ __ ] kids now I thought the way that that case was reported on was racist right cuz papers implied this but also people Comm and said this David starky said this said this is cultural for these guys [ __ ] all to do with their culture the guys were from Pakistan Pakistan has exactly the same AG consent that we do it [ __ ] all to do with their culture and the way that that was reported on was racist cuz white people do that and when white people do it it doesn't make the papers cuz the football teams they play for [ __ ] cover it up I'd actually quite like to eat in that byy house at least you know they're not coming in the food I think it'd be a good episode of Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmare you're raping and you're cooking in the same place you need to separate you're raping and you're cooking what's wrong with the sauce you [ __ ] the kid in it you [ __ ] the [Music] kids a pleasure talking to you guys go take care of yourselves out best yeah yeah

Channel: Audio Antics

Views: 152,582

Keywords: AudioAntics, LaughOutLoud, AudiobookHumor, HilariousStories, FunnyAudiobooks, NarrativeComedy, AudiobookLaughs, HumorousStories, frankie boyle, frankie boyle mock the week, frankie boyle stand up, frankie boyle comedy, frankie boyle new book, frankie boyle comedian, frankie boyle comedy show, best of frankie boyle, frankie boyle live show, frankie boyle new live show, frankie boyle new show, frankie boyl new tour, frankie boyle last days of sodom, frankie boyle days of sodom

Id: cEbuYgQlocA

Length: 78min 50sec (4730 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 24 2023