SŌMA: Man, it's been a looong time
since I've stomped these grounds. Time to mark my territory. THUG 1: Hey. You Yukihira Sōma? SŌMA: Well, that depends... We gonna shoke? Gonna, gonna hip hopscotch into the kitchen? We gonna shake that terrible tailfeather of a... food? You want some dick over rice? THUG 1: What? No! Eizan has been shokugeki'ing people
for their eyes since you left. THUG 2: Wh-What's dick over rice? THUG 3: WHAT?! THUG 1: They took Bill's ears too! You've got to go, but only if you're Sōma! Are you him? Are you still there? THUG 4: Ah! I think he's trying to escape! THUG 1: GET 'IM! TAKE HIS EYES! [Students beating each other up] THUG: I think I got him! THUG: NO, ITS ME! STOP! THUG: GIMME YOUR EARS! [Screaming, cutting, and crunching noises] THUG: I NEED TO HEAR AGAIN! EIZAN: Hey y'all! Alexa! Find me Yukihira Sōma! ALEXA: Do you want to shop for "Yukihira Sōma"? EIZAN: NO! Damn it! He's right in front of YOU! SŌMA: Yeah, I'm right here!
And my dad says I'm priceless anyways! EIZAN: That's a weird thing to say. SŌMA: No, wait! *Worthless*. That's the one. Aw... ALEXA: Buying "Worthless: The Young Person's
Indispensable Guide To Choosing The Right Major". EIZAN: No! Alexa, stop! STOP! ALEXA! SŌMA: Alexa, buy 43 tomatoes! ALEXA: Buying 43 tomatoes. EIZAN: You listen to him, Alexa?! *Whyyy*...?! ALEXA: So you don't want the tomatoes? EIZAN: ...Alexa, buy 43 tomatoes. SŌMA: So, why'd you call me up here? EIZAN: I did! You probably don't
need me to introduce myself, do you? I'm kind of a big deal. SŌMA: No. Who are you? I-I only came here because some guys
without eyes were screaming about you. EIZAN: So you do want an introduction! Leave the room so I can introduce myself dramatically. SŌMA: No. EIZAN: You do drive a hard bargain! I'm Eizan! AKA, "Mullet Madness". AKA, "The Taker of Eyes"... SŌMA: Never heard of you before. EIZAN: Are you familiar with the famous
fast food YouTuber chain restaurant called "Kaggy's Chicken"? SŌMA: Oh, I remember that place! Yeah! Gave me massive diarrhea! EIZAN: An' I know where you took that shit. RIGHT IN MY GODDAMN POCKETBOOK! That place was gonna make me tons of money! An' you shut it down. Instead, I only made a lotta money, which is less. And baad! SŌMA: Blah, blah, blah. Let's just skip to the part where
you challenge me to a Shokugeki. EIZAN: Now now now with that blah blah blah. Let's not get too hasty!
Do you know what else they call me? I'm also known as the Ninth Seat of the
Elite Council of Doom. At this school! SŌMA: Wait! This school?! Here?! In this office?! Now?! Where we are? In this dimension? In this timeline? Right HERE? Next to my *own ranch salad*?
That holds no nutrition whatsoever? EIZAN: THAT'S RIGHT! And you're not ready! There's a tournament coming up and I can
influence the Council to make sure you're in it. For revenge! Our revenge scheme! *On you*! I'm gonna revenge you. It's a really good
revenge scheme. Do you want to hear it? SŌMA: Nahh. I like surprises. EIZAN: Curses! Again! You foiled my plans. Again! I'm gonna revenge you so hard, it'll be
twice as vengeful! Or three times! Or two times! SŌMA: Did you go back down... in-- in revenge? EIZAN: Half as vengeful! Take it or leave it! SŌMA: Hmmm... Hmmm... [Soggy ranch salad SFX] My salad is getting soggy. I didn't pay attention to half of that, but
I never back down from half a challenge! I'll enter this tournament and win! ISSHIKI: And in a vote of one to two,
Sōma won't be participating in the tournament! WOOOO! EIZAN: But I want it. I have a revenge plans! ERINA: You're not the only one on
this council with revenge plans, *Eizan*! I got a whole thing with a dump truck full of milk chocolate, two Apple
Amato falcons, and a kitchen knife! They'll never see it coming. HISAKO: [muffled] No they won't, ma'am! ERINA: Thank you, Hisako. Can I get a... "woo"? HISAKO: Wooo~! ERINA: Sweet. EIZAN: But what if I... uh... bribed you?! ERINA: I'm filthy rich. Good luck. ISSHIKI: I'm just filthy! And easily corruptible! What do you got? EIZAN: Five... Uh... ...dollars! ISSHIKI: Hmmm... Tell you what - we open up voting to abolish
the "no-nudity in the Council chamber" rule, and you vote for nudity! EIZAN: I didn't understand any of that,
but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE! ERINA: Bullshit! I won't be ousted in my own chamber! I'll make it a campus-wide holiday! ISSHIKI: Oooh! Isshiki like~! Counter offer, Eizan? EIZAN: I'll make the holiday last for a month. No, wait! A year. No, wait! I'll throw in a T-Rex! No, wait! A naked T-Rex! ISSHIKI: SŌMA'S IN THE TOURNAMENT! WOOOO! ERINA: SON OF A! T-REX IS ALREADY NAKED! HISAKO: Wooooo~! ERINA: SHUT UP, HISAKO!
Now is NOT the time for WOO'S! HISAKO: Woo retracted, ma'am! ISSHIKI: Erina! Shush! You'll wake the other members
of the Elite Council of Doom. It's nap time right now. EIZAN: Oh right, I forgot! Nergrgh, nergeghegh... [Falls asleep and falls out of his chair]
EIZAN: Oh right, I forgot! Nergrgh, nergeghegh... BOARD BOY: Hurry up, everyone!
To the Board of Deciding! [Sounds of happy students stampeding] [Unenthusiastic "yeah"] BOARD BOY: Be gone, sheet! [Crowd cheers] CROWD GUY 1: Lalalalala! CROWD GUY 2: O M G, I'm in! CROWD GUY 3: Yeah--! Oh no, wait; I'm not on it. AAAAAAAAAHHHH! CROWD GUY 4: It's the tournament, guys! WOooooOoooo! They left me out! YŪKI: I'm in? You're in? We're in? *We're in*! MEGUMI: Huh? I did it? But I didn't do anything! Why me? Why me?! Help? SŌMA: Hey, guys! It's me!
The one and only Big Red is back! Spread the word. It's been a long time... MEGUMI: Yeah, it's only been like a week.
Because of spring break. SŌMA: No... I-I left school; I dropped out! Started a car wash, broke up a chicken chain, and learned that friends are
meaningless compared to victory! IT'S *BEEN A WHILE*! MEGUMI: Yeah. 'Cause of spring break. TAKUMI: Yukihira! IT'S ME! The one and only Big, Mean, Linguine! Its'a been a while. SŌMA: Yeah. Only a week. 'Cause of spring break. Overexaggerating much? TAKUMI: N-no, I-I left school! I dropped out, moved back to Italy,
joined the gang in Venice, and cooked pasta for a mob boss! IT'S BEEN A WHILE! ISAMI: Hehehehehehee! He had to see a doctor
'cause he couldn't poop for a week. TAKUMI: Brother, no! Support me in my horrible lie! ISAMI: Heheheheh! No. TAKUMI: [anguished] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH--! ALICE: Looks like everyone
else that was relevant passed. Oh, we're needed too, my servant! RYŌ: [deadpan] Whoopee for me... ALICE: Calm yourself, my servant! Now is not the time for celebrating. The real plan starts... NEYOW! RYŌ: This is the first time I'm hearing about a plan... ALICE: And it will be the last! It's top secret! Super secret! I expect you to follow it to the letter! RYŌ: I'm on it. Also, deflate your face, Lady Alice. It's weird. O-Ow. Ow. Ow.
ALICE: NYOOO! You don't know if this is part of the plan! - Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- Did you think about that, huh?
Well, think again! 'Cause it wasn't! RYŌ: I guess I didn't...
This is why you're the mastermind, Lady Alice. ALICE: Egg-zackly! Now take more slaps! Hey, Big Red! We were never here; you never saw us. Do you want to hear my secret plans
to topple my cousin, though? SŌMA: If you tell me your plans, I'll tell
every person I meet till the day I die. ALICE: Perfect! All according to my plaan~! Okay, sooo-- ???: [deep voice] Ladies and Gentlemen! If you'll direct your attention to the figure
on top of the crane, you will see [light voice] Uwah ME! Urara Kawashima! [Distinct giggle] Yeah! You guys remember me?
From the thing? I was there! Yeah! [Guys cheer]
CROWD GUY: I love you, Urara! URARA: [deep] SILENCE, WORM! [light] I'm an idol now! You wanna hear my song? [Attempts acapella] CROWD GUY: *CUT THAT SHIT*! URARA: [d] FUUUUCK [l] youuu~! Congratulations to the 60 competitors that won! If you didn't win, send your complaints to the lieutenant, who filled this box with dry ice! I'm a chilly willy! [d] HAHAHAHAA! [l] I got paper in my pocket, and it says, [imitating Eizan's accent] "Have you seen this dog?" "It's a cool dawg!" "I love this dawg." It's a pretty cool dog! CROWD GUY: Can we see the dog? URARA: NO! It's my dog! [d] FOR ME! [l] Oh wait, it has one more thing. It says, "Oh yeah, there's a medal for whoever weeinns." SŌMA: Uh--Wh-- M-Medal? I would stake my life on that medal! URARA: Okay! This'll be fun! No stakes then, for everybody but Scribblz! Scribblz over there. Hi Scribblz! Scribzlz, Scriblz, Scribblz... SŌMA: *I WILL BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES*!! URARA: And that's it! Goodbye! See you all
in four months for the autumn elections! Goodbye... [d] GOODBYE. SŌMA: Wait, autumn? It's that far away?! No! No! NOOOOO! Let me win noow! MEDAAAAAAAL!! (Sobbing) [afar] THIS ANGERS BIG RED! I WISH I WAS BIG DEAD! ISSHIKI: Oh, so you think you can flash me, Mr. Sun? Well, I'm gonna flash ya back! Isshiki Beam! WOOOOO! [Shattered glass SFX] Oh, whoops! One second. WOOOOO! YŪKI: Guys! GUYS! HOLY SHIT! *IT'S HEERRRE*!! Here it is. SŌMA: Whoa! Is that a letter from my mom?
She must have got past the goblins! Mommy's coming home! YŪKI: No! SŌMA: Oh... Dang it. YŪKI: It's the dish topic for the tournament! Is your mom really in trouble with goblins? SŌMA: Oh, boy! That's a thing I'm interested about! Don't worry about the other thing. And we got... NOTHIIING! Yeah! Passed the first round! MEGUMI: Turn the paper around, Sōma. And the theme is-- SŌMA: "CURRY DISH"! I said it! Not you! MEGUMI: (Big sigh) Yeah. That. [sad] Thanks for taking my moment... SŌMA: So, like, uh... what's this "curry" thing? RYŌKO: You worked at a *Japanese family diner* and you don't know what CURRY is? IBUSAKI: It's racism for Indian food. SŌMA: Oh, that curry! Right! Yeah, I know that! YŪKI: Guys! We have a member of the
Elite Council of Doom right here! Isshiki! RYŌKO: Tell us a thing! YŪKI: Tell us multiple things! RYŌKO: Word us a fact! Fact us a truth. ISSHIKI: I just found out how bribable I am. What do you guys got to bribe me?
Huh? Hit me with your best bribe. YŪKI: We got all the stuff here at Polar Star. AND MA LUCKY NICKLE! RYŌKO: You want mayonnaise? I've got fermented egg mayonnaise... [strained] I fermented this mayonnaise for 16 years! ISSHIKI: Meh. I could just steal
all that stuff whenever I wanted. Sometimes you guys leave me here alone,
and I'm just, like... "Free stuff~!" SŌMA: Bribable... (Gasps) [Flashback]
JŌICHIRŌ: Boi, boi, boi! Spice Gremlin still at large! Boi, boi, boi! Here on campus! Boi, boi, boi! [Present]
SŌMA: I got it! I just got to bribe Isshiki
to let me win the tournament! ISSHIKI: Oh, you're too late;
I'm all bribed out. Woo-hoo-hoo! SŌMA: Fuck! YŪKI: You didn't take any of our bribes! ISSHIKI: No, I did; just in secret. You'll find
out whose bribes I took after the elections. Stay tuned, folks! I get my own character arc! SŌMA: Well, I guess I'm gonna go with Plan B. ISSHIKI: That-- That's not staying tuned. Am, am I not getting the character ar--? SŌMA: So we take that Spice Gremlin by surprise, and bop it in the head!
And then have it tell us all of its spicy secrets, and bam! We bop it in the head!
Unexpected second bop! MEGUMI: I'm just here to chaperone you,
but thanks for including me. SŌMA: All we got to do now is find that gremlin. Where are we gonna find it?
This might take us a while, Megugami. MEGUMI: Uhhh... You serious? There's a... sign. Right here. SŌMA: Oh. Okay, plan PPC! Let's check this random, completely
random, *totally* random house! Random! And if there's a gremlin in there, we'll find it by... SCREAMING! REALLY LOUD! TO DEAFEN IT! GREMLIN! *GREMLIIIIIN*!! Gremlin? Are you in here, Spicy?! Whoa, this place is a pigsty. We must be close. Whoa! Is that a Himalayan salt rock? JUN: Huh? Oh my goodness; other people! It's! Been!
Years since the last time people came! Nothing is clean! I'm sorryyy! MEGUMI: No! I'm sorry! JUN: I'm sorry for the sorry that you sorry'ed for! MEGUMI: I'm sorry for all the sorry
so they're sorry for the sorry me! JUN: I'm sorry that sorry was invented by
the man who was sorry for *me* being sorry! MEGUMI: Sorry!
JUN: Sorry! MEGUMI: Sorry! Sorry!
JUN: Sorry! Sorry! MEGUMI: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
JUN: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! MEGUMI: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry!
JUN: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! MEGUMI: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry! [...]
JUN: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! [...] SŌMA: 'What door to hell did I open??' Wait! So you must be that
Spice Gremlin my dad told me about! Hey! How do you do-- --ooooooooo? JUN: HAAA! JUN: HAAA! HAAA! JUN: HAAA! HAAA! HAAA! SŌMA: Whooaaaa-- AAH! Strike! MEGUMI: (Whimpering) JUN: "Spice Gremlin"? The only man
who ever called me that was Saiba Jōichirō, the spawn of Satan,
and you're his spawn spawn? Get out. GET! MEGUMI: I'm not with him! So if you've got
another one locked and loaded, use it on him twice! Surprise second boop? JUN: Anyone related to that man
isn't welcome here! Get out! AKIRA: Okay, Jun. I picked up
the spices you needed. Hmm? It was cleaner in here before I left. JUN: Sooo, it's not what it looks like... MEGUMI: Ah, I'm sorry! I'll clean up the trash! AKIRA: (Big sigh) [Flashback] YOUNG JUN: H-hi! I'm Jun. I'm a middle schooler. Please be nice to meee... YOUNG DŌJIMA: Oh, hey there, new kid!
Here at Polar Star, we love new kids! We're renowned for being the
second friendliest dorm on campus! My name is Dōjima Fuckin' Jin! Fuckin' is my given middle name.
'cuz my dad is a dick! That's right. Richard Fuckin' Jin! YOUNG JUN: Nice to meet you. Mr. Fuckin! YOUNG DŌJIMA: Everyone here is really nice.
All you gotta do is stay away from-- YOUNG JŌICHIRŌ: (Yawning) Hey, uh... What's all the racket goin' on, bois? No wait! Fresh meat! Well hello there, boi~ YOUNG JUN: Hi. My name is Jun! YOUNG JŌICHIRŌ: Shut up, boi! You're gonna be "Spice Gremlin",
and we're gonna be the best of friends! Your shift starts now! YOUNG JUN: M-my first... friend? O-Okay. YOUNG DŌJIMA: Run, new kid! Get outta here! IT'S EL DIABLO GRANDE MENOR! YOUNG JUN: Uh... What? YOUNG JŌICHIRŌ: (Cackling) JUN: In that moment, my body stopped aging because I died inside, which is where it counts. He made sadistic eels
and taught them to cuddle people. He forced me into alligator dentistry. He made my clothes explode from sheer stress. [Present]
And in the end, I hated him for it. SŌMA: Heh. Sounds like my dad was a real asshole! Glad I never picked up on that. Right, Origami? MEGUMI: [sarcastic] Absolutely. TEAPOT: WHISTLLLLLLLE! MEGUMI: I'm sorry Sōma's dad scarred you, but could you just teach *me* about curry instead? JUN: Neyo! AKIRA: I made tea for our esteemed guests, Jun. It's a rare occasion that we
entertain here at the Spice Shack. Heh, but where are my manners?
Let me summon my nameplate. MEGUMI: Wow, this guy's the real deal. SŌMA: [loud whisper] Hey, Megumi.
What does it say? I dunno how to read Japanese. JUN: (Big sip) AKIRA: I see you've met Jun as well. She may be the professor of this
department, but I mostly run things here. JUN: Huh? AKIRA: Isn't that right, Jun? JUN: No; I'm Professor Jun! Pro-fe-ssor! And I am a fully functioning
full-size adult, and your boss! Akira, [begging] please respect me? Please? AKIRA: Okay, *Professor* Jun, who watered the very expensive
full-size plants so they didn't die? JUN: Uh... you? AKIRA: And who watered the dog so it didn't die? JUN: I didn't know we had a dog. AKIRA: It was kidnapped by spice Bandidos, who I fended off wearing nothing but
football equipment and a rebar club. JUN: Y-You did that? MEGUMI: Sōma, look at all the
awesome spices that they have here. SŌMA: Wow! That's *so cool*! I'll distract them. Megumi, stuff them in your pockets. Oh, look at that; look at these plants!
I wonder what they use them for? AKIRA: I heard everything you said
and I'm willing to answer your questions. Those leaves are from the curry tree, and we-- Please put them down. --use them for-- Stop stealing! --various curry dishes. SŌMA: What? You eat *plants*? That's gross, nerd. I only eat GMOs, like broccoli. American broccoli! AKIRA: Cool. MEGUMI: But it must be amazing that
you're able to cultivate these rare curry leaves during the cold seasons in Japan. AKIRA: Well, you can thank Jun for that. She's found a way to keep the plants
alive by reverse engineering cold weather. It's called a... "fridge". SŌMA: Oh, wow! You're a smart gremlin, aren't cha? JUN: Smart? You're being too kind. I'm only a small-town professor that wants
to know the secrets that lie within spices. SŌMA: Wow. You must really love spices. That all you think about?! Or do you sometimes think the hands
are like a bunch of organized sausages? Because that's what I think about. JUN: I... what? No!
Of course I think about other things! Like Voltron. MEGUMI: What? What was that? JUN: You mean Voltron?! AKIRA: Jun, we talked about this. JUN: I honestly think the two
are very alike. Here, let me explain. AKIRA: Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun...
JUN: Lemme just, lemme just,
lemme just, lemme just, I just need to... Okay. So, "Voltron: Legendary Defender" is a
show about the Paladins of Voltron, of course, who each pilot one of five multicolored lions, which come together to form
the robotic juggernaut that is Voltron! Now, first, we have to talk about ships,
starting naturally with Shalura! Shalura is the ship name for Shiro and Allura, the first of which is a human prisoner of
war, and the second is an Altean Princess! Shiro has a robotic arm designed by the Galra Empire, which means that he can only
get his human fist inside of her. However, I have a working theory that
Allura's anus may be partially cybernetic, meaning it could be compatible
with Shiro's robot fist. Therefore [...] AKIRA: She's gonna be on about this for, uh... days. Wanna see where the magic happens? SŌMA: Oh! Like card tricks? AKIRA: N-No. Like curry. Curry magic. SŌMA: Eugh... I guess that's okay. MEGUMI: Ho-Ho-Hold on. I gotta take notes on this. "Partially"... "Partially"... "Cybernetic"... "Partially"... "Cybernetic"... "Robot"... "Partially"... "Cybernetic"... "Robot"... "Fisting"... Yes. This is how I become a curry master. AKIRA: *This* is how you become a curry master! I've spent my entire life studying spices, ever since my parents died and Jun took me in. SŌMA: You wasted your life *and* your parents died?! What did *that* ever do for you? AKIRA: I... I didn't waste my li-- MEGUMI: Sōma... be nice. AKIRA: Hah... It's fine, it's fine. Listen, Yukihira and... Tamagotchi, was it? Why don't you try some of my cooking? SŌMA: Sounds good! Cook me up some
of that grub-a-dub-dub, Tim Curry Jim! AKIRA: I've prepared for you three
different dishes. In the first, you will find-- SŌMA: I-I'm not really good with spicy things.
A-Are these spicy? D-Do you have milk? H-How much Capri Sun's in this? AKIRA: (Sigh) Why don't you just
skip straight to the third dish? SŌMA: Sure! MEGUMI: Whoa! I never knew
spices could be this profound! There's a fullness to the flavor and-- SŌMA: [burned tongue] THITH ITH SPITHY!! U LIE TO ME! U LIAR! AKIRA: That's right, Yukihira Sōma! And that's not all! That dish could win nationwide competitions
and I shat it out in a few minutes! This dish is better than anything you'll make in
your entire life! And you'll never even know why. MEGUMI: He's right, Sōma!
This dish is better than YOUUU! Wooaaaaaaah! Woo! AKIRA: I spent years of my life honing my senses, perfecting my craft to the point where I can detect it. "The Curry Zone". And it's far beyond your wildest dreams. SŌMA: Why are you being so mean to me, man? AKIRA: Because I don't like you, Yukihira Sōma. Ever since you gave your little speech at the
beginning of the year, I knew I wanted to kick your ass. And even though I was selected to participate
in the autumn elections, I had no plans to win. However, now that I see how much *you*
want to win, I think I might reconsider. Because the only thing that
would hurt you more than losing, is seeing your medal with my name on it. JUN: [...] Of course, Shalura has
only one natural predator, Sheith, because of the twin... penis... synergy... Are you guys taking notes?
'Cause this is gonna be on the test-- Wh-- Ah? Hah? Wha? SŌMA: Pft! Well, good luck passing the first round. It's not like you're good
at making curry dishes or anything. [strained] Oh no, wait... AKIRA: With my supernatural sense of smell, there is no way you can possibly
win against me, Hayama Akira. SŌMA: Well, sorry to burst your bubble,
curry nerd, but thanks to you, I know about the Curry Zone,
and *I'll* be the one taking home the medal. AKIRA: Uh, did you not remember that I've
been studying curry and spices my entire life? SŌMA: S-S-SO? I'm still gonna win! I-I got 3 months! Watch me become
a master curry chef! Hahaha! AAGH! JUN: Akira! My spice pupils have turned into salt, and--! SŌMA: [groaning] Ugh! Hey, you... I think my cookcyx just broke!
I'm losing my sense of cooking! Ugh... I think I need 3 months to recover... DŌJIMA: Hey, kids. Doc Dōjima here. The cookcyx is a super-real bone.
Its home is in your rib parts, just south of the bakebone
and just behind the stewnum. The only thing that can destroy it
is a door handle wielded by a gremlin. But gremlins were eradicated in the
War of 1812. So you're probably fine. Anyway, will Yukihira Sōma be able to beat
Hayama Akira in the future tournament? Will M-M-Megumi win the love of
her new Spice Gremlin mama? Will Constable Turnbuckle ever pull one
over on that lunchback of Notre Dame? Probably not! Sometimes dreams
don't come true. Like Sōma here. He's FUCKED! Anyway, Dōjima Fuckin' Jin, OUT! SŌMA: *SSHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT*--!! MEZMOREEYEZ: Hey there, folks!
Dōjima from the past here. Future me sounds really cool. I bet he
has a cooking doctorate or something. If you want to help me become a cooking
doctor and make my dreams come true, then support The Schmuck Squad on Patreon.
Episodes will come out faster that way! Also, follow us on Twitter and Twitch
@TheSchmuckSquad. Okay, back to the past. Byeeee~! [Thank you Schmucks for
abridging this series. It's been... a trip.]
