Today's foods are presumed
innocent until found guilty in a court of law. Let's talk about that. <i> ( music playing )</i> Good mythical morning. Mythical beasts,
today we're gonna find out which McDonald's
food is best after it sat a week
in our fridge. - All right,
- And we're also
gonna play a game involving prank video fails. But first, let's start off
with our guest MatPat. Yeah, recently on
their channel GTLive, MatPat and Stephanie,
his wife, disagreed with our findings
in our blind fast food
pizza taste test. Let's look at what
they had to say. "Good Mythical Morning"
did a pizza taste test where they tasted six of
the most popular pizza brands. And they did pretty
badly at it. So Rhett and Link said
that what defines a pizza is not its crust,
sauce or cheese. Mm. Mm, mm, mm. They said that
what defines a pizza - is the toppings?
- Mm. Mm, mm, mm. Which made no sense to me because you could take
all those toppings off and you still
have a pizza. Okay, so I guess
MatPat thinks he's some great
judge of food, huh? Well, why don't we find out? It's time for... All rise for
the honorable Judge MatPat. Thank you. Oh, thank you. - Hi, Judge.
- Hello. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Food Court. - You may be seated.
- Oh, okay. Counselors, your job today here
in Food Court is simple. You will each be presented
with a disgusting food. It is then your job
to convince me that your food
is the superior food. If I choose your food,
I will eat it. A high honor. If I don't choose your food,
you will have to eat it. - Link: Mm.
- Right? Kinda sucks. - Yeah
- It's pretty
self-explanatory. - Mm-hmm.
- If during the course
of today's proceedings you would like
a little bit of assistance, you're allowed to request - one side bar.
- Oh. A side bar, as you can see,
is filled with desserts and regular sundae toppings - to add to the deliciousness
of your food.
- Rhett: Mm. The dessert bar
can only be used once - during the course
of today's proceedings.
- Link: Okay. We'll have three hearings,
you may only use it once. - Got it.
- Each. - Each. Yes.
- Yes, of course. This is not a race
to the dessert bar. Order, order. Settle. We're bringing our first case
to trial here. Counselors, our first hearing
is the case of Boston Terrier cream pie, which is a slice of
Boston cream pie with terrier hair
as a garnish. - Wow.
- Mm. And Counselor Link,
you are presented with Bananas Foster cat, which is Bananas Foster, but instead of ice cream,
it's cat food. Awesome. Gentlemen, you may begin
your arguments. We'll begin
with Counselor Rhett. It's my honor, Your Honor. It's my honor to be
serving as your judge. People love Boston. - People love Terriers.
- Mm-hmm. People love cream. And people love pie. Put it all together,
you got something that you're going to love. On the other hand... ( laughs ) ...bananas,
the red-headed step-children of the fruit family. Sir, we will have no slander
against other fruits. Okay, sorry. Fosters is an Australian beer that tastes like urine. Slander again, sir,
against beer franchises. Okay, and cats
are an abomination and contribute
nothing to society. How dare you, sir! I have a very
pleasant cat at home! Oh, I feel so much sympathy
for you right now. I do, too. He's been peeing in our closet
for the last week.
It's terrible. And also, hair of the dog, that is an expression that
was once used to describe the process by which you took
the hair of a rabid dog that had bit someone
and put it into their wound! To heal it. Sir, Judge, Your Honor, I'm not asking you
to put hair into your wound. I'm asking you to eat it. Excellent.
Thank you, counselor. You may be seated. Counselor Link,
your rebuttal. Oh, my goodness,
it's kinda heavy,
first of all. You get your workout even
lifting it up to somewhere. Are you saying that my guns need
a little bit of exercise, sir? No, I was just saying
that about me. Ah, I see. What I'd like to say
about you is, you know what? Congratulations, first of all, on being an expectant father. - That son in the oven--
- Rhett: Objection. Uh, pandering. Uh... I'll allow it. - I know you're gonna be
a great father.
- Thank you. And you know what a great
father would never do? A great father would never
feed his baby something - that he hasn't tasted.
- Okay. And that's not much different
than with our cats, that we love, right? You don't want to
feed your cat something that you yourself wouldn't be
willing to just at least taste a little bit of. Mm, I do love my cat. And if you're not
willing to eat this, what signal does that
send them? - Wow!
- I rest... my skillet. ( laughs ) - Mm, mm.
- I have to admit, I am definitely impressed with Counselor Link's
argument here. I went into this hearing thinking that
Boston Terrier cream pie would be the obvious winner, but your emotional plea
and making me feel guilty about the food
that I'm feeding my cat has won the day, sir. I hear in favor
of Counselor Link. - Rhett: Ugh.
- Thank you, Judge. So shall it be done.
Please, bailiff, if you would bring
the Bananas Foster cat to the judge's stand. And, of course, I'm gonna
eat some hair of the dog. Would you like to go first? Sure. Put it in your wound
or whatever you said. Right.
Shove it in the wound. See, this just is awful
because it's like... you have such a difficult time
swallowing your own hair. - Ugh!
- Let alone a dog hair. Ugh. Mm. Ah!
I ate some hair. I did it. That's great.
So here we go. This one's for you, Skip! Mmm, mmm! Ah, mmm. - You're gonna be a great dad.
- Thank you. And let my cat
not forget this. Gentlemen, hearing number two
shall begin thusly. We have ants on a log
with real ants as opposed to
grasshopper cocktail with, obviously,
real grasshopper. Counselor Link, you may
begin with the arguments. Okay. Dad of the year in training. - That's you. That's you.
- Come on. - Ants on a log,
the classic dish...
- Judge of the year, maybe. ...updated, you know,
without the raisins. - MatPat: Mm-hmm.
- Because who needs raisins when you can have
the real thing? This is not really
about the ants. - It's not?
- It's about sugar
versus protein. It's just a sugary beverage,
you're gonna crash. But this is gonna
sustain you all day. And by the way, ants can carry
50 times their own weight. - That's true.
- If just a fraction of that strength
gets conveyed to you, you, sir, are gonna gavel
all the way through that table. - Wow!
- That'd be pretty awesome. - Be like a Marvel superhero.
- That would be great. - Ant Man.
- That would be "jiffed"
all over the internet. - Or "gifed."
- You're right.
You know what? Gif. But "jif" because
it's like peanut butter. - See? We're connecting.
- Truly simpatico here. We can do it.
I rest my case. Yeah, I-- I feel like
we're maybe showing some favoritism here,
Counselor Link. Let's sit down.
Please, Counselor Rhett, I will remain
an impartial judge. The only thing sweeter than
the sickeningly sweet connection that the two of you
are making... MatPat:
Ooh! ...is this cocktail. Judge, you probably didn't
wake up today thinking, "You know, I wanna eat
a grasshopper today." You don't have to eat one. You've got to drink one. Now, ants are disgusting. They spend their entire lives crawling on the dirty ground, picking up whatever bacteria,
viruses, and dirt that there is to be found. Grasshoppers are like, "Eww!" And they jump, therefore
minimizing their contact
with the ground. Grasshoppers spend approximately
97% of their lives suspended. And what that means is is that you've only got
a three percent chance of being poisoned to death. - Uh...
- From drinking this. Can we go back
to Counselor Link? What is my odds
of becoming poisoned if I eat the ants on a log? - 97%.
- 52% probably. Okay, all right.
So, pretty high. Yeah, that's pretty high.
That's a very high likelihood-- But you know what?
I'm being real. He's just
making up numbers. No, no, no, no, no. Are you accusing your
fellow counselor of lying? 82% of all statistics
are made up on the spot. Well, 100% of decisions
are made right now! I rule in favor
of Counselor Rhett. Yeah! - But why?
- I didn't want
people thinking that I was showing you
favoritism, honestly. Hey. Oh, you want it? I just don't want you
to approach the bench. Wow, thank you, bailiff. I'm looking out. Ooh, this is chunkier
than I expected. I mean, yes, you may have to
chew a little bit, but just let them
enter in drinking. Mm, over the teeth,
over the gums. Down the hatch
and here it comes. Ah. It's on the lips. - You got one on the lip!
- Minty, right? Man, the mintiness just
complements the grasshopper leg. - Yep.
- The only redeeming
factor here is that I get
to eat peanut butter. Ooh, that's crunchy! Gentlemen! In this, our final hearing
of the day, we have the battle
of the steaks. Beef Patty
versus hanger steak. Beef Patty is obviously
a baby doll named Patty who has been raised
for several years
being covered in beef. Patty also happens to be French,
in case you couldn't tell, so, as a result of that, you're gonna dip her
in breast milk. She's like a French dip. - That's really breast milk?
- Rhett: Yeah. - Sounds amazing.
- And over here,
Counselor Link, you have been presented
with the hanger steak, which is a delicious steak that will be hung by a string, raised into the rafters and then subsequently lowered, covered in whatever happens
to be living up in your rafters. So I hope you keep
your offices clean. I will now raise
and lower the steak. Okay. Boy. - Can I use a hook?
- Go for it. - Got it, there it is.
Fly, steak!
- MatPat: Nice. I will now
raise the steaks! Literally. Fly to the rafters! - Look at it go!
- Oh, goodness, there's-- - What in the world
is happening up there?
- What's going on? There are birds
living up there. - Oh!
- Okay. - Rhett: Oh, wait! What? What?
- Oh, no! - Okay. Bring her down!
- I can't tell what's-- Why did you train a bird
to attack a steak like that? Oh, I will lower the steaks. I believe it's been
marinated enough. - ( Rhett groans )
- You got like twigs, too? Yeah, there's feathers,
bird seed, twigs. Somebody put that one
back on there. All right, Counselor Rhett,
if you may take the stand. - Come with me, Patty.
- Oh, goodness. Yes, treat her like the woman
that she deserves
to be treated as. Now, my opponent's steak is covered
in God knows what. - Patty is simple.
- Yeah. She's just covered in beef, and then will be later dipped
into human breast milk. Why wait?
Why don't we do the dip now? Let's see the full
perspective of-- Oh, goodness! You're, like, drowning her. She can't hold
her breath forever, man. - Oh, gosh.
- Now, Judge,
when was the last-- when was the last time
you had breast milk? I don't think I ever have,
actually. - I was a formula baby--
- Oh! Even better. You've been missing out, sir. This stuff is full, chock full
of vitamin double D. This is not tasteful. And you're about
to be a father. One of the best things
about being a father is having stories
to tell your baby. One of the first stories
you could tell your baby is, "You know, not long
before you were born I ate a baby covered in meat
that had been dipped in the same kind of breast milk
that you're enjoying right now." - This is going great.
- Think about how good of a relationship
you're going to have. Perfect bedtime story. I rest my case.
It sells itself. Nap time!
Oh, goodness. Thank you, Counselor Rhett.
You may be seated. - Okay.
- Counselor Link,
if you may approach and stand. You're welcome
to unhook the hanger steak. No. I like it like this. - Great.
- MatPat, - I have a theory.
- Ooh! I don't think that you're gonna
want to have a video of you eating
a beef covered baby floating around on the internet
for the rest of forever. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- But this, on the other hand, is a nice T-bone steak... just covered in stuff
that once you get past it, you're probably
just gonna taste mostly steak. I'd like to sidebar.
Who are we kidding? Great! Absolutely! - Please.
- All right. Haven't used this sidebar. It's been over here begging. Oh! Got some chocolate chips here. - Oh, yeah!
- We got some-- Oh, I know you like
that peanut butter. Here's some Butterfinger. I feel like the two are very
different things actually. - Here's some marshmallow.
- Oh yeah, that marshmallow
seasoned steak. And then you're gonna forget all
about the bird nasty. Chocolate-- let me tell you
from experience. - Please tell me.
- Chocolate covers a world
of nastiness. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- We know that for a fact
on this show. Let me also say
that human breast milk tastes
like dumpster juice. It depends on the woman. It flies. Here we go. - Whoo!
- Oh, God! It was supposed to--
Was supposed to-- It's supposed to swing! Counselor! Counselor! Counselor, you're creating
a ruckus in my court! - Okay. Okay.
- I throw the book at you, sir! - Oh, wow!
- Order! Order! - You're creating a ruckus!
- I can swing it
right into your mouth. I will hold you
in contempt, sir! No! No! No!
We're on the same team. Please be seated, everyone.
Order in the court. I've taken all of your arguments
into account, and I think I have to rule
in favor of the hanger steak. - ( Rhett groans )
- Yeah! That's right. Hanger steak-- Bailiff,
if you could bring that to the bench. - That's it.
- Let's be honest here. Having a story of me eating
children with breast milk for my small unborn child,
probably not the best
response here. - Not good
for the brand either.
- You know what? - Now it's a story
for my children.
- It is. You could also marinate
the steak a little bit more. - Like, tenderize.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, while you're
tenderizing, I'll go ahead - Yeah, please dig in.
- and eat Patty's face. Yep. Put that all
over the internet. Oh, gosh. Oh, wow. Just wrong in some ways. I feel like I've seen that in
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre." - Mmm, it's good!
- Yeah? You're really
missing out! Breast milk
really moisturizes? - You made a bad choice.
- Well, let's find out how bad of a choice I made.
Here we go. The chocolate's gonna
help you, man. I'll make sure
I get a little twig in there, little bit of bird seed. - Ooh!
- Yeah! Fun fact,
you can't chew twigs. I believe, though, that I've
made the right choice here. Counselors, I thank you both for your service
to the court today. But, Counselor Rhett,
I'm sorry to say, you've only convinced me
of eating one of your dishes, which means, Bailiff, if you will,
please take him away. - Dang! Taking him away!
- Yeah. - The lawyer gets arrested
in this court?
- Yes. That's how I run my courtroom. After what you did
to that baby, you're trying
to play the victim? It makes perfect sense! Honorable Judge MatPat,
thank you so much
for being here. - Can we take Patty with us?
- No. - No, she stays here!
- No. Restraining order. I hereby grant
a restraining order to Patty. Now-- literally wigging out
over here. Honorable Judge MatPat,
thank you so much
for being here. You were a great sport
and an excellent judge. Okay, guys, make sure
you check out his channels, "The Game Theorist"
and "The Film Theorist." And keep watching,
because we're gonna find out which McDonald's food tastes
best after a week in the fridge. <i> Is it hot in here
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Wasn’t this Monday’s episode?