>> Stephen: YOU MAY KNOW MY
GUEST TONIGHT AS THE STAR OF STRANGER THAN CANDY OFTEN THOSE
WEIRD COMMERCIALS HE DID. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH! OH, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO
WORK. >> ISN'T IT? WELCOME, WELCOME TO WHAT YOU
HAVE BUILT. >> Stephen: YEAH. IS THIS ME? >> THIS IS YOU. IS THAT THE CLASSIC GUEST MOVE,
EXPRESSING IMMEDIATE SUSPICION. >> Stephen: IS THIS ME? EXACTLY. DID YOU POISON THIS? DID YOU DIP YOUR BALLS IN THIS? ( LAUGHTER )
>> SO AS PART OF AN INTERVIEW, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A
WHILE. >> Stephen: FUNNY THING IS
I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR A WHILE, BUT WE HAVEN'T REALLY WORKED
TOGETHER. >> TRUE. >> Stephen: INTIMATELY BECAUSE
I LEFT RIGHT BEFORE YOU GOT THERE AT "THE DAILY SHOW,"
RIGHT? >> RIGHT BEFORE. >> Stephen: SO PEOPLE THINK WE
KNOW EACH OTHER REALLY WELL. I RESPECT YOU ENORMOUSLY AND HAD
FUN WITH YOU BUT WE NEVER SPENT A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER. >> I WAS BROUGHT IN AS THE
DESTITUTE MAN ON COLBERT. SINCE WE JUMPED THE INTRODUCTORY
SECTION -- >> Stephen: WE NEVER HAD IT. WHAT I THOUGHT WE WOULD DO IS
HAVE A FIRST DATE NOW. SO I'VE GOT QUESTIONS FOR A
START. FOR A FIRST DATE, YOU DON'T GO
IN -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WOW, LOVELY. I ASKED YOUR STAFF WHAT WINE
DOES STEPHEN LIKE, AND THEY SAID WHITE WINE, AND I THINK THEY
WERE LOOKING AT A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE AS THEY SAID THAT. SO, THERE WE GO, FOR YOU. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. BEAUTIFUL PORT, RIGHT? >> Stephen: WONDERFUL. WERE YOU EVER FIRED AS A WAITER? >> I WAS A BARTENDER. YOU CAN'T FIRE A BARTENDER. >> Stephen: LEGALLY? YOU'RE ALL APPOINTED BY THE
QUEEN? >> EXACTLY. >> Stephen: SHE'S THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN LET YOU GO. >> BARTENDING IN THE HOUSE OF
LORDS. IT'S HEREDITARY. I COME FROM A LONG LIST OF
BARTENDERS. CHEERS. >> Stephen: SO NICE TO MEET
YOU. >> I GOT FIRST CLASS QUESTIONS
FROM THE INTERNET IN THE DRESSING ROOM FROM A WEB SITE
POSING AS A SUSTAINABLE BUSINESS. THIS IS A CLASSIC FIRST DATE
QUESTION, NOT A BAD ONE. WHAT'S THE FIRST CONCERT YOU
WENT TO? >> Stephen: I WENT TO SEE
CHUNG MANGION, AND THE THEME SONG GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS. ♪
♪ ( HUMMING )
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT! WOW. >> Stephen: FIRST CONCERT. ASK ME WHO I WENT WITH. >> YOUR FIRST DATE GAVE IT
STRONG, BRINGING A BAND WITH YOU AND PLAYING --
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S YOUR
RESTAURANT. YOU PICKED THIS RESTAURANT. THEY'RE FANTASTIC. >> WHO DID YOU GO WITH? >> Stephen: MY MOTHER. THAT'S NICE. DID SHE LIKE IT. >> Stephen: I THINK SHE STAYED
AWAKE. >> I SAW PRINCE. >> Stephen: OH... YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
THEY WERE BOTH GOOD. >> Stephen: YOU ASKED ME THAT
QUESTION JUST SO YOU COULD SAY -- THE ENTIRE THING. ARE ALL THE QUESTIONS GOING TO
BE HUE MILL MILLATING ME? >> NO, THAT'S THE ONLY BOOMERANG
QUESTION. >> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU SEE
PRINCE? >> I WAS 15 YEARS OLD AND I
SNUCK OUT IN LONDON. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I WAS OBSESSED WITH PRINCE
GROWING UP BECAUSE HE WAS UNLIKE ANYTHING AROUND. I ALWAYS THOUGHT MINNEAPOLIS
MUST BE THE MOST AMAZING PLACE IN AMERICA. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS ADVICE FOR A FIRST DATE AND SOME OF THESE ARE VERY
SPECIFIC. >> Stephen: THESE WERE
LITERALLY SUGGESTED TO YOU BY THE INTERNET. THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY SOURCE FOR
HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. THE ROBOT SAYS, ASK THESE
QUESTIONS -- HOW MANY KILOHERTZ DO YOU OPERATE AT? >> WHAT IS YOURS AS A HUMAN'S
FATAL WEAKNESS? ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SANG WITH YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE? >> Stephen: CONSTANTLY. I'M CONSTANTLY SINGING BY
MYSELF. I CHEER MYSELF UP BY SINGING ALL
THE TIME. >> LAST NIGHT DID YOU DO --
( SCATTING ) THAT'S A CLASSIC DANCING, ISN'T
IT? >> Stephen: THIS DATE IS GOING
GREAT. YOU'RE DEFINITELY GETTING A
SECOND DATE. >> I THINK I AM. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS I SAYING
LAST NIGHT? THERE'S A GUY NAMED VILLARY WHO
PLAYS WITH RACHEL PRICE AND PLAYS JAZZ GUITAR. I'M KIND OF OBSESSED WITH THEIR
YouTube VIDEOS. AT THE END OF A SONG THERE'S A
SONG CALLED "DO FRIENDS FALL IN LOVE" HE SAYS ♪
♪ AS FRIENDS WE WERE BEFORE ♪ ♪ AND SHE SAYS ♪
♪ AND WILL FOREVERMORE TWO, FRIENDS IN LOVE ♪
>> THAT'S NOT A BAD ONE. IT'S NOT LIKE, ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN -- ♪ ♪ IT'S BEEN ♪
♪ IT GOES LIKE SOMEBODY ♪ ♪ SOMEBODY ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN ♪ ♪ SOMEBODY ♪
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF AN EAR WORM? MY FRIEND NICK NAPIER SAID IF
YOU CAN'T GET SOMETHING OUT OF YOUR HEAD YOU NEED SOMETHING, AN
EAR WORM THAT ISN'T LONG ENOUGH TO LOOP BECAUSE THE PROBLEM WITH
EAR WORMS IS YOU GET A COUPLE BARS OF IT IN YOUR HEAD AND
KEEPS GOING AROUND, BUT SOMETHING TOO SHORT AND REALLY
DISTINCTIVE, SOMETHING THAT WILL DRIVE IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD BUT
NOT LONG ENOUGH TO LOOP IS. ♪ BY MINNIN ♪
OR -- ( SINGING )
>> RICOLA SNOCT 500-588-300-EMPIRE ♪
♪ . >> Stephen: TODAY. YOU'RE CUTE. >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YOU'RE COMING ON A LITTLE STRONG
BUT I DO LIKE TO BE CHASED. THIS IS A GENUINE FOURTH
QUESTION SUGGESTION. THIS IS FOR HUM HUME INTERACTION
A FIRST DATE. DO YOU HAVE A SECRET IDEA OF HOW
YOU WILL SEE DYE? THAT'S A FIRST DATE QUESTION. >> Stephen: YEAH, I MEAN, I
GUESS IT'S FAIRLY COMMON. I WILL BE FITTED WITH AN IRON
MASK THAT TOTALLY COVERS ON HERE AND THERE'S A LITTLE TRIP OF
WATER THAT GOES IN AND PHILS UP TO HERE, SO I ACTUALLY DROWN IN
THE WATER ON MY FACE AND I HAVE TO KEEP BLOWING IT OUT OR KEEP
DRINKING IT IN ORDER TO STAY ALIVE, BUT EVENTUALLY I LOSE
CONSCIOUSNESS AND I CAN'T DO IT. OR I FALL FACE FIRST INTO A WOOD
CHIPPER. YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
OR I GO HOME WITH A STRANGER ON OUR FIRST DATE. >> YEAH. FINAL FIRST DATE QUESTION, WHAT
FRIENDSHIP HAVE YOU HAD THAT'S IMPACTED YOU THE MOST? >> Stephen: MY WIFE. MY WIFE, WITHOUT A DOUBT. >> GOOD ANSWER. >> Stephen: WITHOUT A DOUBT. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY BAR NONE NO
ONE WHO COMES CLOSE, AND, YOU KNOW, THE MOST HARROWING IDEA
WOULD BE THAT I WOULD SPEND ANY PART OF MY LIFE WITHOUT HER
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A LEVEL OF LONELINESS AND IRREPLACEABLE,
IRREDEEMABLE EMOTIONAL DESOLATION THAT I COULD NOT
POSSIBLY CONTEMPLATE, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY OLD MEN DIE LIKE
A MONTH AFTER THEIR WIVES GO BECAUSE HOW I WILL ACTUALLY DIE
IS SHE WILL DIE FIRST AND I WILL NOT LAST A YEAR. >> CHECK, PLEASE. I'M WASTING MY ( BLEEP ) TIME
HERE. STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
Everyone deserves to be loved the way Stephen Colbert loves his wife.
It's a great format imo.
Jon is proud
"I'm wasting my fucking time!"