Final Fantasy VII Remake | Girlfriend Reviews

okay you guys there are spoilers ahead for the original final fantasy vii and some minor spoilers such as funny dialogue and easter eggs for the remake also this video is sponsored by raycon in 1997 squaresoft proved that video games were the next frontier for artistically and narratively compelling blockbusters by creating an experience at the edge of reality where the player endures a love that can never be and a hatred that always was where the hero's ultimate conquest is restoring balance to nature and their ultimate weapon is the ultimate sacrifice where the largest dev team in history summoned a cast of thousands materialized the stars in full motion video and told the most expensive story ever programmed they said it couldn't be done in a major motion picture they were right the most anticipated epic adventure of the year will never come to a theater near you final fantasy vii you guys are going to pay me for this right final fantasy 7 is one of my boyfriend's favorite pieces of media not because of how it compares to other games in his library but because of how it compares to other events in his life he says the radical leaps in technology and hollywood levels of production alone were too exciting for a 90s kid to ever forget while the bitter social criticism and uncharted emotions were too revelatory for a 90s kid to ever be the same again that ain't for kids seriously the death of his little video game girlfriend happened 22 years ago yet just last week he had a flashback to it during a marvel movie let me go please now aerith getting cancelled by a samurai sword is often cited as the most notable moment in all of gaming because it taught millions of fun-seeking children about trauma-related guilt it's supposed to be me sacrifice your life for that god damn stone you better life on it i'm sorry i know no offense but we're talking about space magic the hardest lesson for my boyfriend though was that in our obscurity in all this vastness there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves from economic inequality from climate change from ruining the only home we have in the great enveloping cosmic dark he was forced to confront the folly of human conceits and learn to cherish the pale blue dot the earth is the only world known so far to harbor life on it everyone you love everyone you know the aggregate or joy and suffering thousands of confident religions ideologies and economic doctrines every hunter and forager every hero and coward every creator and destroyer of civilization every king and peasant every young couple in love every mother and father hopeful child inventor and explorer every teacher of morals every corrupt politician every superstar every supreme leader every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there on the moat of dust suspended in a sunbeam [Music] but this isn't a review of the original final fantasy vii this is a review of what it's like to live with someone who finally got to play the new final fantasy vii and check out these bazongas my word they almost popped out the screen take them off the glass take them off the glass after realizing every girl in this game wants to sleep with my boyfriend i said no wonder you're excited for the remake and he was like i get older they stay the same age cloud is a player watch this aerith flirts by giving him a flower then he uses the same move on tifa with the same flower and later that night jesse asks him out because i mean who can resist a guy that rides a motorcycle and tells you to shut up shut up ladies open your eyes this man is a hoe i've been around i'll bet for crying out loud he put on a dress and seduced a little boy forgive me miss but the way you're staring at me is rather hey chadley why don't you take a picture with your google glass it'll last longer the player has four beautiful admirers in this game yet cloud is mean to all of them did you miss me not really what and the only romantic happy ending is this we are a hand massage parlor this is a hand job store let's start with the tips i want to die i hate it that was pretty good but next time can you gag me with a dirty sock and call me spanky but even with a main character who needs to do me a favor and get over himself the final fantasy 7 remake is the best game i've watched my boyfriend play this year although a more honest title would have been the first 10 percent of final fantasy vii stretched out with side quests that never happened you guys remember that famous final fantasy vii moment where you go tandem skydiving with wedge don't get me wrong that section was a welcome and seamless addition thanks to lovable voice actors like badger from breaking bad and charlie sheen from hotshots too however there are a few long chapters that try to break up the linearity with uninspired open world fetch quests that frankly i don't believe cloud would agree to he tells his friends over and over that he's only helping them for the money but when some broke-ass kids have a green thing on their head he's like you sons of [ __ ] what's the job then spends the next half an hour looking for stray cats this [ __ ] here i found him in a storm drain the lack of polish in these areas is made even more noticeable when every conversation starts with a long awkward silence [Music] and when every npc is coming through look out hey what the [ __ ] just headbutted me in the dick [Music] you're making a mess nevertheless those chapters are a small price to pay for a modern introduction to the people places and things of this dreamlike existence and i say dreamlike because we were on earth only it wasn't earth and aerith was aerith only she was also a horse it's been a while since i gave out this award but final fantasy 7 is 100 certified bananas especially if you're new to the story like me for starters what's a fat [ __ ] hobo and how come every once in a while cloud gets a headache and then this happens it's moments like these my boyfriend would ask any questions yes several where'd that lady come from why did we take the stairs and who put on monster house the house grabs things and pulls them in and eats them we'll see you later then he'd never answer any of them because it might spoil something in part two five years from now i'm sorry but it's really jarring when i'm in the middle of the game's most emotional scene and they randomly cut to a bipedal cat in a towel wearing a crown oh my god what is that hey look who what the hell is that clc why is felix the cat in this game all the time you'll see on the other hand that iconic final fantasy weirdness is what made the combat an absolute pleasure oh wow yeah it's complete nonsense and i have no idea what's going on but [Music] i didn't particularly enjoy watching my boyfriend play with his balls for hours at a time but i did enjoy the salt you see there's these things called magic points atb and limit break that you can spend to use powerful abilities the problem is you can spend those right into the toilet if a boss decides to start a cut scene now i don't want to show the final boss so i'm going to isolate my boyfriend's microphone and provide a spoiler-free play-by-play here we go he's almost there there it is okay that's what my boyfriend says when he staggers an enemy meaning he can inflict lots of damage let's see if there's a cutscene is there going to be a cutscene that's going to ruin it is that what's going to happen now he's worried because it's the final minutes of the game his limit breaks have charged at last and he's casting both cloud and tifa's to finish off what little health the boss has left that santa claus sound means he thinks his strategy is working but the limit breaks have only just begun yeah oh no this is where the boss starts a cut scene and you can actually hear the moment my boyfriend's heart rips in half oh i could just do cut scenes and just oh you're gonna use your most powerful move that you have that you've worked so hard to save up and use i'm going to use a cut scene and say no and after 45 hours of [ __ ] i was so glad i had my rakons raycon is a company founded by ray j a man with a passion for comfortable good quality earbuds a pair of raycons cost half the price of any other premium wireless earbud on the market their newest model the everyday e25 earbuds are their best ones yet with six hours of playtime seamless bluetooth pairing more bass and a more compact design that gives you a nice noise isolating fit it also comes in new fun colors they sound just as amazing as any other top quality audio brands without any of the discomfort go to byraycon.com gfr for 15 off your order okay thanks for watching and a very big thanks to pro zd for narrating yet another fake video game trailer for us there's a link to his channel in the description we think our next project is going to be a review of half-life alex make sure to check us out on twitch where you can watch us play all these games we talk about okay thanks again bye

Channel: Girlfriend Reviews

Views: 1,522,537

Keywords: girlfriend reviews, review, games, gaming, gamer, sony, ps4, playstation, xbox, nintendo, switch, girlfriend review, pepper brick control, final fantasy, final fantasy VII, FFVII, FFVII Remake, Remake, Square Enix, Squaresoft, Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, Aeris, Sephiroth, Midgar, barret, final fantasy 7 remake, final fantasy 7 remake review, girlfriend reviews final fantasy

Id: EMPF40-5rb0

Length: 10min 23sec (623 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 30 2020