Fawlty Towers - The Kipper And The Corpse VHS (Three episodes)

um this is having you put yourself together all right come on now look mister mr faulty telephone what telephone a telephone is she not here she is there uh oh never mind never mind right leave it to me i'll do it all in the car alone oh andre thank you for calling cut marvelous we're absolutely delighted with him really andre he's wonderful this basil's wife this basil this smack on head have you taken the car in yet yes i'm just eating with it yeah you're not trying to do it yourself are you fair though oh have you seen this mark have you ever did you hear what i said yes i did there's a bit of a scratch take it into the garage basil yes just having a look at it there sorry andre where was i oh yes well he's the best chef we've ever had we can't thank you enough for finding him for us look can you come have dinner on sunday there's something we want to ask your advice about okay lovely see you then then hello polly can you come and have a drink mr paul i just sold a sketch really i'd love to hello hello cat and they can come on sunday oh what you're taking the car in hmm are you at those again i just took one girl i think you've had enough of those basil now when you deal with a car please good mr poltay superb for you mr balti oh thank you polly are you going to do the car in a moment my little piranha fish i've just found a sketch one for money i bought it mr faulty she's very talented oh no paul oh come on no thank you oh please i wanted to thank you no honestly don't you like it too much but not when i'm working you drink it for me manuel well do you help cheerio basil oh that smells nice here it is mr baldi she's really got something you know really well worth 50p anyway yes you uh do you win a bun if you guess what it is or something it's known well what it's me well manuel is my friend we are good friends eh aussie yeah it's very modern very socialistic yeah something to remember him by you know when he goes are you still here bezel no i went a couple of minutes ago yeah but i expected no no manuel look like this oh i like that would you do me one really of manuel yes at night on basil's bedside table two in a day that's as many as van gogh sold in a lifetime ah but he didn't have manuel as a model hey so hmm this is wonderful i told you he's one of the best he's almost as good as you andre it's absolutely divine basil go on everything this is good i'll listen to him the only place i've ever really seen him meet is your restaurant andre i know he's stabbing it away like a hamster really civil i'm going to have to buy him a great big wheel to run around him when he's got a mouth or he'll get like a big bad temper tomorrow i believe we were discussing the gourmet evening dear do you know aren't i birthday zip this morning what's the matter darling you're an embarrassing andre no dear i'm embarrassing you look at that well i'd better go and have a work with the guests why don't you have another vat of wine and eating major enjoying your soup it tasted a bit off to me for dear uh well it's made with fresh mushrooms major ah that would explain it good evening everything killed satisfaction i don't like the chips sorry the chips are awful oh dear what's uh what's wrong with them then they're the wrong shape and they're just awful i'm afraid he gets everything cooked the way he likes it at home ah does he does he yes i do it's best in this kid's garbage no no no these eggs look like you laid them no no look look here oh chad leave him alone he's very clever rather highly strong yes yes he should be well these are proper french fried potatoes here the chef is continental couldn't you get an english one why don't you eat just one or two do yeah the wrong shape oh dear what shape you usually have mickey mouse shape smarty shape amphibious landing craft shape poke in the eye shape got yours done oh no is there something we can get you instead sonny i'd like some bread and salad cream to eat well there's the bread and there's the mayonnaise i said salad cream stupid we don't have any salad cream the chef made this freshly this morning what a dump this is very good he likes salad cream that puka is well at least it's british puke may i ask why you don't have proper salad cream i mean well the uh the chef usually buys it only on special occasions you know gourmet nights and so on but um when he's got a bottle oh he's a genius with it he can unscrew the cap like robert carrier to treat the watch and then right the plate not on the walls magic mind you he's a wizard with a tin opener too he's got a pulitzer prize for that he can have the stuff in the saucepan before you can say hurt cuisine you name it he'll heat it up and scrape it off the pan for you mind you still that that isn't picked up overnight still i'll tell him to get some sour cream i mean you never know when henry kissinger is going to drop in do you oh sorry sorry nice man no no seriously i think it's a very good idea you do really i promise you people around here are getting more and more keen on good food ah so much for tonight's guests ignorant rabble there's always a few mr fulton gourmet night there won't be none of these pro i don't think thursday nights would be better thursdays um i think so right and on all the other nights we'll just have a big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs well that's settled then good and i'm very pleased for curt too it will be good for him to have something special to do i'd like to have a world with him do you mind no of course not that's right well i'll get the menus printed on monday polly can do the menus no she can't yes she can no she can't maybe she can no she can't yes she can no she can you can write the advertisement in the echo only don't make it too tough he knows better we don't want to put people off i just want to keep the riff wrap away down well good luck my old friend it's good to have you down here thank you for welcome you know don't mention it nice to have met you manuel hey he's my friend oh one night i cook you both paella you don't trust me ciao ciao manuel together you and i make faulty towers famous for its cooking okay excellent tip top fabozo oh you are so cute get a clean one it's clean now it's dirty now do you like the menu mr faulty no i don't oh good what thank you thank you so much give it to me give it to me and go well there's all guests who just called to council at 12 minutes past seven who acousted what all four marvelous isn't he ah what do they say one of them's ill well let's hope it's nothing trivial at our grand opening dinner never mind never mind never mind there's four people basil shall we feed them in the kitchen but think who those four are colonel and mrs hall both jp's and lionel twitchin one of torky's leading rotarians never put us on the map he's this year's treasurer should never have let you write that advert fancy putting no riffraff when you're presenting oat cuisine you don't want the working class sticking it everything all right where's kurt he and manuel are getting the wine from the cellar right ah this is what it's all about you too you're supposed to be in your rooms what you're not allowed down here tonight remember oh yeah you look pretty what are you cooking i'll send you a menu with your bread and cheese now get up get up they're here what the halls are here right do your bones go to your rooms mr cody mr fuzzy i'm very upset no no man well later well when i went for my jog this morning i thought it was going to be pretty warm but in the event of course it turned out to be pretty cool really uh then it began to cloud up this afternoon quite contrary to the weather forecast naturally and uh i shouldn't be a bit surprised we got a spot of rain tonight still it's been a lovely summer hasn't it oh yeah but colonel how delightful to see her yet sorry i'm delightful to see you again uh we met last year at the golf club dinner dance you may remember no i don't ah fine well we we didn't talk too long just good evening really you know a blink of an eye and you'd have missed it as indeed you did quite understandably sorry well uh how's that lovely daughter of yours isn't that super the winner up and down it's really super how much did that cost then who are you i mean i don't know your name what is it what's my name oh this is my husband that's it thank you how do you do i may introduce my wife but she just introduced you oh what a coincidence yeah well i don't believe you know my wife may i introduce mrs hall oh sorry i didn't see you down there don't get up what would you like to dream it is small oh yes uh a short or or how about this sherry lovely oh good large not uh not quite so large too small and dry oh i wouldn't say that what i don't know two small dry shedders oh i see what you mean i'm sorry ah mister this is bridging good evening welcome to faulty time good evening our very own favorite to come to our little culinary soiree this evening only too glad to support something new in turkey such an unusual idea i do hope it works out well we have our hopes mr hortons ah pollya would you take mrs twitchin's coat please yes of course thank you so much that would you work yes can i have a word with you yes oh well this is polish he will be serving you later this evening oh well it's kurt yes he's potted the shrimp what he's potted the shrimps shrimps we're not having shrimps tonight pollen now would you he soaked the herring all about he's pickled the onions and he smashed the eggs in his cups under the table excuse me have you been thinking no not me well would you behave yourself i'm so sorry uh would you rare careful these stuntmen youth please ah mr trijin oh god oh colonel uh colonel and mrs hall uh may i introduce uh mr and mrs have you met no no we haven't have you no oh good well what would you like to drink then what to drink i didn't catch the name oh you didn't catch it what a rotten bitter luck finally killed you no no we still don't know the no faulty battlefield no no no who's there so sorry i thought you meant the auth all right isn't it i can do a drink too so another sheriff where are you going to introduce her no oh sorry uh this is mr and mrs fatherson what and this is huh dude sorry i fainted oh i feel better for that i'll just get you oh yes what is it please put the bottle down what do you want please put the bottle down right sorry sorry how i don't know what happened so quickly he had a row with manuel and will he's got a crush on him what a crush you know in love oh um would you excuse me just one moment i won't be one moment i know i should never have had a frenchman he's great mr paul greek of course well that's even worse i mean they invented it right give that to me kurt come on give me that buckle now go away leave me alone come on give it to me manuel manuel he doesn't love me well well you have to give these things time i want man well i'm sure we can arrange something now can i have the bottle he's so sweet yes he is sweet i know yes yes yes i know come on come on come on come on cat come on now listen to me listen i come in now but no cuddles you hear me put you down go ahead to the world you've only drunk man once you get your fold okay you only had to be still to him nice you know you don't understand he's not enough he wants to kiss me oh what's one little thing he call andre he can do the cooking his own candidate he don't run a thirsty a clothier but he no i don't think we will we're nearly ready to order we'll be back in america so you can't do the lobster no right right i see but andre the tornadoes yes i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry yes of course i want the dog that's marvelous but i mean can you do one or two sources wonderful that's you thank you thank you andre oh andre what is it what is this water battle well stole them stole one stolen your stupid woman tell them some lives what's happening henry kissinger what do you mean now he's done that frank sells potty's inebriated got it i don't believe it neither do i practice a dream no it's not a dream we're stuck with it right i'm just doing the cooking i've collected in the car what's the cookie stuck that duck that you don't dunk i'm so sorry i don't kept you waiting well we'd like to order now oh yes quite um my wife would like the lobster of her man excuse me there is one small thing i'm afraid you were given the wrong menus uh this is tonight's manual but uh yes i'm afraid the chef changed his mind and forgot to tell us he's like that brilliant but temperamental what you've changed everything i'm afraid sir yes it wasn't good enough so he just chucked it away he's such a perfectionist lobster tornado you name it it's in the bin yes lucky old bin i say so uh this is your new menu duck with orange duck with cherries surprise what stuck surprise uh that's duck without orange or cherries i mean is this all there is duck um yes done of course the three extremely different ways and what you'll do if you don't like duck uh well if you don't like duck uh you're rather stuck fortunately i love it oh good so uh that's four ducks is it you were right oh now we're getting his duck from andre yes but i don't know what vegetables he's put on three sandwiches polly and one mullet uh with mustard sauce versus whole right where's the buck where is the mallet yeah oh right what are you doing about vegetables better same same as the other menu do you run andre's not doing anything no no you know them you and polly yeah mustard sauce master choice right now uh while i'm out in the car you get them ready right right all right ready polly ready man well see right two of those for table nine and one of those and that's oh please change the plates oh oh it's dirty i changed it no no no no no come on i'm so sorry he's from barcelona i don't know what he's feeding you do you think we could have a drink dear may i see the wine list please hold on certainly major tunnel all right yes that's good yes yes it's fine he's got it in his hair how is it here rather good surprisingly well there's the uh winelist oh thank you it is an unusual taste isn't it it's not cooked you ignoramus what are you trying to do to a spot you mean that's raw oh why would you prefer a trunk oh god then it'll be even nicer this is wrong this mallet is raw i mean whatever he's doing to it listen what do we do to this do we grin it if we grill it just go all right do we fry just go oh have you uh have you chosen yet major colonel um have you chosen your wine oh yes chablis is thank you waitress yes there's a hair in my moose well don't talk too loud everybody will want one about that the mullet's on its way there you are don't forget the sauces goodbye but no good no no it's very good so um well then well done everybody oh man well get the trolley ready right right let's go oh my god wait a minute what i think it'll be all right yes yes you're right we need another one ah you want to talk to them what entertain them or something andre civil faulty well i'm afraid he got trodden on sorry it's hard i don't need them come on i'm just a girl who can't say no i'm in a terrible fix come on two pretty and quaint how can i be when i ain't i can't say no uh any any sign of the duck oh it's just coming uncle ted comes in with his creative brown ale and and mother said oh taylor's here and he's just ladies and gentlemen so sorry no catchy who's the trifle what a title for you this is all what about the duck forte duck's off sorry lovely part of the world isn't it all those beautiful trees and fields and variety of birds yes that's true and you can just go there and get away from it or away from the hell to skeleton of modern life because we all do need a solitude don't we yes we do i mean nowadays it's not easy to find the time to i don't know enjoy life because there's always things to do it's all so hectic isn't it all of us just rushing around letting things get on top of us and quite honestly what's the point have you finished um yes thank you my wife i think those prawns might be a bit off oh i don't think so well they do taste rather funny well no one else has complained well i really do think they're off but you've eaten half of them well i didn't notice at the start you didn't notice at the start no it was a sauce i wasn't sure so you ate half to make sure my white things done off well what am i do you want another first course no thank you i'm sure no really i've just had some maintenance well where will we cancel it cancer though we're deducted from the bill is that what you mean i said today well only half of it's inedible well deduct half now and if my wife brings the other half up during the night we'll claim the balance of the world well three we know have passed on this year all in their early 60s so i've cut out butter thank you all right it is all brussels no no no honestly oh there's a nice big feet oh dice it's oh no dear not as bad as that i've had worse i don't know how they get away with it everything all right thank you everything's your satisfaction uh yes thank you thank you why don't you say something well there's no point is that we just won't come here again then i'll say something okay it won't do any good we're leaving tomorrow well i'm going to i mean we've been sitting here waiting for nearly half an hour and it's oh well what's this see look i i ordered the cold meat salad and i've been waiting about half an hour for it salad yes you want change no no no i don't want to change okay hello i don't want this you say you no one changed i want the salad oh excuse me yes uh look we've been waiting here for about half an hour now i i mean i gave the way through our order oh him he's hopeless isn't he yeah well i i don't wish to complain but when he does break something he's got it wrong well you think i don't know i mean you only have to eat here we have to live with it i i had to pay his fare all the way from barcelona you can't get the staff you see it's a nightmare you're supposed to be complaining to him hmm thank you so much enjoy your meal excuse me there's sugar in the salt cellar anything else i put it all over the place all over the place what were you doing with it all over the place polly would you ask terry not to finish up we need another one of these there is sugar on it what a sweet place what i'll have it replaced well why is there sugar in this salt cereal what do you think we pay you for my staying power for that i'm getting them i'm getting them uh excuse me yes i'm sorry but do you think we could cancel our food salad well it's a little tricky chef's just opened the team i'm sure it'll be very nice there we are thank you oh yes i do like really beautiful places busy this evening isn't it i tell you one of my favorites i said it's busy this evening i'm talking to mr libson basil good well that's a help i'm sure you can go oh yes i can cope dear coping's easy not puring your loved ones that's a difficult task did you know biddeford bridge has all different sizes of reception there should i get it yeah it's my turn is it fine yes oh yes so it is yes funny it's been my turn for 15 years still when i'm dead it'll be all turned here you'll be it excuse me there are two lambs here i'll have them removed if they're bothering you yes good evening are those ours not yet good evening i reserved a room by telephone this morning mr and mrs hamilton indeed yes i remember it well ah excellent hamilton yes that's right well may i welcome you to faulty towers i uh i trust your stay will be an enjoyable and a gracious one could we have those now oh by all means finish with them have you absolutely full effigy i recommend the soap service here thank you what your lambs will be getting cold mr johnson cola if you'd like them warmed up i get it you can get your wife to sit on them i'm so sorry with the rubbish we're getting here now um if you'd be so very kind as to fill that form out mr and mrs hamilton are yes now we put you in room 12 which has a charming panoramic view overlooking the lawn or the driver everything on the wrong side of the road the weather what do you get for living in a climate like this green stamps it's terrible sorry about this took five hours from london couldn't find the freeway i had to take a little backstreet called the m5 well i'm sorry if it wasn't wide enough for you a lot of the english cars have steering wheels they do do they you wouldn't think there was room for them inside see what i mean what may i introduce my husband all the rubbish we get in here look at that more rubbish there more of that bloody rubbish why do you manually going bad yes just eating with mrs hamilton yeah good evening good evening manuel will bring your bags to your rooms i hope you enjoy your stand thank you do we need to reserve a table for dinner yeah yeah problem well it is after night so well we do actually stop serving at night now well look if you could go straight into five hours to get here we like to freshen up maybe have a drink first you know yes uh you couldn't do that afterwards do what well you mean have our drink before dinner after dinner freshen up and go to bed but if you could it would make things easier for us shall we go to bed now would that make it easier for you we're a little tired fella we want to clean up and relax we'll be down a few minutes but the shift does actually stop at nine nine nine so why does your chef stop at niner you got something terminal no no but that's when he in fact stopped now look we drove from london to stay here right are you telling me that you can't stay open a few minutes longer so that we can eat properly what we can do sandwiches pam cheese we want something hard toasty sandwiches not really can you believe this what the hell is wrong with this country you can't get a drink after three you can't eat after nine is the war still on no no no but it's the start music oh this time we have to get the star how much what how much of this mickey mouse money do you want to keep the chef on for half an hour one two three 20 pounds huh that enough i'll see what i can do thank hey you me stand up excuse me please this way please does look foreign marvelous oh um terry i almost forgot some my guests have just arrived right at the last moment as usual i'm sorry but this puts us out just as much as it puts you out don't put me out mr paulie uh no but they want some dinner you see and they insist first on scraping off some of the filth that somehow got kate to them cruising down the m5 well i've got my class tonight mr paul but terrific just rylo paul no no wait wait i mean uh i mean i will make it up you you know out of my own pocket it's not the money mr faulty my karate means a lot to me half an hour is over time in a taxi mr faulty if i miss a week next week i don't get out in one piece an hour's over sorry mister what am i gonna see you on hours what two hours overtime i thought you said it wasn't the money it ain't but i can't think what you're going to say to your guests look terry i'd pay you two hours overtime if i could afford it sorry mr fulton an hour and a half cash cash all right hour and a half but i go and up last night then i still get some of my class right and i do the washing up well you know how it is mr paul yes i know it is i pay you for an hour and a half you clear off after half an hour that's how it is that's socialism oh no that's the free market come on terry nothing keep the lady waiting he's from finland mr faulty and very pretty tall block this finish your karate teacher well there's a sort of karate in it right give me that what i'd pay you over time to miss a class not to keep some bit of crumpet hanging around yeah but you know it's all right i'm in the washing up i'll do the cooking too you go off and enjoy yourself don't you worry about me you go and have a good time i'll be all right don't have a bit of fun with a fin come on manuel where are you holly hey wait for me good evening good morning is your room to your liking yeah it's a grenade very nice thank you oh good i'll just get you tonight's menu oh um would you care for a drink before your meal start your one-handed screwdriver please um and you madam the screwdriver's for me i see um would you like it now or after me oh no please there's nothing i can put right what absolutely so it's one scotch and a screwdriver i think i'll join you make that tooth screwdriver you'd like a screwdriver as well fine so it's one scotch and you each need a screwdriver no no no no forget the sky it's two screwdrivers i understand and you'll leave the drinks why nothing to drink what do you mean nothing to drink well you can't drink your screwdrivers can you what else would you suggest that we do with vodka and orange juice oh certainly about it make that too and forget about the screwdrivers you're sure you can manage without them as you wish relax in the carefree atmosphere of old english charm when you are there i hope we're not intruding on your dinner hour oh not at all no you're american right where are you from california how lovely you're english though yes but i've been over there 10 years now 10 years do you ever get homesick oh yes but i love it there the climate's so wonderful you can swim and sunbathe and then after lunch drive up into the mountains and ski how wonderful i like england and the english people but i sure couldn't take this climate harry finds it too gloomy oh i don't find it too gloomy be useful yes i do basil oh yes my wife finds it too gloomy i find it rather greasy what do you find bracing basil the damp the drizzle the fog well it's not always like this there it changes my husband's like the time that he changes this morning he went on for two hours about the bloody weather it has been unusually damp this week in fact but uh normally we're rather spoiled down here on the english riviera mr and mrs hamilton were telling me about california you can swim in the morning and then in the afternoon you can drive up into the mountains and ski must be rather tiring well one has a choice yes well i don't think it would suit me i'd rather like it down here it's very mild all year round we have the palm trees here in talking you know do you have uh palm trees in california burt lancaster had one they say but i don't believe him what the hell is that a vodka and orange juice orange i'm afraid it's not fresh isn't it no we've just opened the bottle look fresh means it comes out of an orange not out of a bottle ah you'd like freshly squeezed orange juice as opposed to freshly unscrewed orange juice yet leave it to me i mean i'll get chip onto it straight away sorry about that a lot of english people are used to the flavor no it's all right it's just that back home fresh orange juice comes like running water does it really of course it's so good for your skin isn't it i'd love to go to california someday looks so exciting oh never love a stranger do you like it oh i love all harold robbins i've read this one three times the pirates is his best i think i read them when harry's away i just don't seem to have the time when he's home who needs harold robbins when you got the real thing how long have you been married mrs baltimore oh since 1485 there we are fresh orange juice but seriously though his men are all so interesting ruthless and sexy and powerful who's this india post e.m foster oh yes of course yes my wife likes harold robbins after a hard day's slaving under hairdryer she needs one wife with a few aimless thrills have you ever read any clearly is the most awful american well not american transatlantic tripe sort of pornographic music still keeps my wife off the streets robins i thought you made that awful man what's his name uh harold robinson have you have you read any harold robinson oh painful how about waldorf salad was that one yes you're absolutely wrong could you make me a waldorf salad waldorf salad well i think we're just out of waldorf i don't believe this it's not very well known here harry yes uh may i recommend tonight i'm sure your chef knows how to fix me at waldorf's house huh well i wouldn't be too sure he's a chef isn't he yes you wouldn't prefer we'll find out will you just go out there and see if he knows how to fix me a waldorf salad of course yes he's not absolutely positive he's almost got it it's it's lettuce and tomato water no no no it's celery apples walnuts grapes in a mayonnaise sauce right and incidentally he did ask me to say that he does especially recommend the the uh the patty tonight i don't want patty or the the grapefruit the grapefruit how's it done well it's it's half with a cherry in the center no i haven't paid you 20 pounds to have some guy cut a grapefruit and half a stick of cherry in the center exactly i want a waldorf salad absolutely one more salad and a green salad for me and one green salad yes and if we can't manage the waldorf salad i want a waldorf salad and to follow a couple of filet mignons steak steak six on rare gun right not out of a bottle not out of the bottle would you care to see the wine list thank you uh may i ask did you say you paid 20 pounds yes but it's uh it's not the money my wife and i we wanted dinner and uh can't be right there's no reason chef couldn't stay i'm obviously sorry he's forgotten already uh walnuts cheese no no cheese it's celery apples walnuts grapes right in mayonnaise right now come on uh would you excuse me one moment uh excuse me volleyball me please of course thank you what's this about 20 pounds there's no salary would you believe it i'll sign the salary what about this 20 pounds give me 20 pounds to keep the kitchen's up and chef wouldn't something where does he put things if you just look i have look there's no ferry there's no grapes walnuts said to laugh easier to find a bag in a slice hippopotamus in suitcases now we've got apple oh terrific we'll celebrate we'll have an apple party everybody pulls his own affluence in new york wait battle everything all right yes thank you never been better oh good um by the way i wonder have you by any chance ever tried a ritz salad yes it's a traditional old english thing it's apples grapefruit and potatoes in a mayonnaise sauce no i don't think i've ever tried that ah i don't think ever will either yeah well that's probably pretty sound well about this ward off salad of yours um you're having a bit of a tatar tape with chef and the point is we're all right on the apples absolutely no problem with them at all now on the celery front well uh perhaps i should explain we normally get our celery delivered on a wednesday along with our cabbages onions uh all that's great that sort of thing but this week um the driver yes he was putting the crate into the van and he sort of slipped forward and the vandal caught his arm like that and it may have fractured it you don't have it they did the x-rays and we'll know tomorrow whether they're going to have to operate and cut a long story short if we we don't have any no but um so makes you think how lucky you are doesn't it i mean here we all are with all our limbs functioning and quite frankly if you've got your health what else matt what a bunch of crap oh do you think so i always feel like what the hell's going on here says hotel outside now is this a hotel or isn't it well within reason you know something fella if this was back in the states i wouldn't board my dog here is he poodle i'm not getting through to you am i you know i stay in hotels all over the world and this is the first time i've had to bribe a chef to cook me a meal and then find out he doesn't even have the basic goddamn ingredient holy cow can't you see why that crummy dump this is you listen to this talking to you shut up listen to me can't you see this ain't good enough yes i see what you mean and then you give me some half-assed story about some delivery guy busting his arm now look baldy if your chef couldn't find the ingredients from that guy why didn't he get it from somebody else huh exactly what completely right you're the manager aren't you you're responsible so what are you gonna do about that half a word man you've gotta tell him lay it on the line lay it on the line tell him if he doesn't get on the ball you're gonna bust his ass all that two green salads here we are one green salad and one mordor salad but i thought would you excuse me one moment it's fine why don't you make a wallet everything all right yes thank you you're sure there's nothing all right no treasure oh good oh um you're a chef yes has he been with you long about six months he used to work at dorchester at the dorchester no indoor just about 40 miles away here we are two green salads basil mr hamilton has his wardorf salad here no dear chef couldn't make it he didn't have the ingredients i just uh smashed his backside about but there it is what there's the wardorf salad chef found the ingredients right well if he found the ingredients why didn't you tell me maybe robertson's arm got better i'm sorry about it dude all right ah no it isn't it doesn't matter well it matters to me not to me i got my waldorf salad excuse me i'm so sorry i'll just get it back for you sorry i'll give you i'm sorry get off your knees i haven't produced myself yet why didn't you tell me why didn't you tell me and found them you stupid cow he's just no i haven't finished i haven't finished you've been having enough sorry about that little confusion chef hasn't been with us very long and we've just reorganized the kitchen thank you oh you haven't got your wine yet bubble move your moment bubble mr mrs hamilton haven't got their wine yet and basil has chef put the steaks on yet no i'll tell you is your husband all right oh yes he just had rather a long day there's just a two year here right we haven't had a proper holiday for eight years eight years yes i have to get away occasionally just for a few hours even if it's just out of a hairdresser or a round of golf or a bridge evening with some of the girls drive in the country sometimes just on my own pop down to cornwall for the day sometimes it's beautiful there yes you must visit cornwall while you're here thank you incidentally i've been uh talking to chef and we've sorted out what happened um apparently he thought that he'd uh already got uh thank you got got two orders for waldorf salad you see and uh in fact he had the ingredients but uh no that's uh until he made one he didn't realize that he didn't have uh enough for before the second one look don't let it bother you no anyway this will explain everything what's that yeah i'll let glad i let her front the chair did explain to me yes he wanted to apologize personally but i didn't want him wasting your time so i thought look just forget about it will you i'll read it um dear mr and mrs hamilton i hope you're well this is just a brief note to say that i take full responsibility for the dreadful mess-ups tonight if i'd only listened to mr faulty none of this fiasco would have occurred i i just like to tell you that such a cock-up has never occurred in my career before and that now everything has been sorted out i'll be back to my very best form time what are you doing what do you mean so this mr hamilton may i introduce terry did he good where's he gone did you see him maybe he went to get something to eat come on honey what do you think harry what's happened a day or later it's uh you're saying we're ready to know mrs hamilton if he's he must have heard you coming you know and panicked and run out into the yard you know after all the problems we've how big a butterball do you take me for but do you think i don't know what's been going on out there oh bit of a day but i'm afraid i'm talking about you taking 20 pounds off me to keep the chef on letting them go cooking the meal yourself and then pretending he's still out there oh yes that and i'd be interested to know what you got to say about what do you think i asked your questions i'm sorry that uh that your meal has not been fully satisfactory this evening huh what i'm suggesting is that this place is uh the crummiest shottiest worst run hotel in the whole of western europe no no i won't have that there's a place in eastbourne and if you are that british tourist boards answered that donald duck now look i i know things have gone wrong this evening but you must remember that we have had thousands of satisfied coverage let's ask them hey let's ask them are you all satisfied yo are you major major are you satisfied i mean you've been here seven years you were satisfied oh yeah i love it ladies are you satisfied oh yes thank you mr forty yes and thank you for asking another mr errol are you satisfied well yes mrs you oh very nice you see satisfied customers of course if this little hotel is not your taste then you're free to say so that is your privilege and i shall of course refund your money i know how important it is to you americans but you must remember the cure in britain there are things that we value more things that perhaps in america you'd rather forgotten about but to reach to we british are far far more important i'm not satisfied but what i'm not satisfied no we're not satisfied well people like you never are are you what there's nothing i could do would please a pair like you short of pretty straw in the rooms i think you're the rudest man i've ever met i haven't started you you're not going to you're going to stand here nice and quiet while these people say whether or not they're satisfied and you move off that spot baldi and i'm going to trust your ass everything's bottomed isn't it i think this is probably the worst hotel we've ever stayed in yes it is an absolute disgrace i agree you don't yes do you know that we had to wait nearly half an hour for our main course and when it arrived it was wrong and when i complained he completely fogged me off with some rubbish around the prawns there was an argument and her beat was off before and i asked you to fix my radiator three times and nothing's been done satisfied customers huh hot dog this is typical absolutely have you any idea of how much there is to do do you ever think of that of course not you're too busy sticking your noses into every caller poking about for things to complain about aren't you well let me tell you something this is exactly how nazi germany started with nothing better to do than a cause trouble well i've had 15 years of pandering to the likes of you and i've had enough i've had it come on pack your bags and get out their packs order ten taxes will y'all pay for it come on come on out everybody out there come on upstairs pack your bags eddie um what would you train me well you should've thought of that before so too late now come on out loud what are you doing well let me explain my little workhorse um the guests and i've been having a bit of an old chin wag and the upshot of it all is they're off oh well let me put it this way there either they go or i go right right come on have a better idea come on back i'm going instead well goodbye now it's been an interesting 15 years but all good things must come to an end i hope you enjoy your new work here helping to run a hotel goodbye major goodbye ladies give my regards to polly and manwell bye dog you've forgotten so i have the idea and goodbye to the rest of you i hope you enjoy your stay huh don't forget any complaints don't hesitate to tell my wife any hour of the day or night just shout bye ten minutes that'll be fine i'm back what do you want basil a room please um number 12 is fear i think now i'd like breakfast in bed at half past 10 in the morning please that's eggs bacon sausage and tomato with a waldorf salad oh washed out with lashings of hot screwdriver and he loves pekkas and walnuts and he simply adores those little cheese footballs to my darling oh isn't he beautiful very attractive little fella what is it it's a little shit-soul really oh dear yeah what breed is it well then there are less dogs aren't they a laptop oh uh hard to imagine him stalking a reindeer what uh major can i get you another one ah why not why not good for you mr chase oh nothing for me thank you but prince would like a little saucer of warm middle because it's nearly our bedtime yes man well manuel will attend to its hearts desires i'm afraid i'm lumbered with the people tonight and manuel um el perro microscopica evening guys it's um good evening uh what can i get you scotch please and i suppose it's too late to get me to eat is it i missed dinner uh what did you have in mind well i rather fancy some sausages oh i'm afraid chef would have knocked them away uh we could do you sandwiches ham cheese tomato uh ham thank you i'll just arrange it for you basil could you make some ham sandwiches please look doctor pry oh of course yes one moment there we are major excuse me found another draft have we you have to be very careful mr faulty he's not very strong indeed yes a rapid movement of air could damage him irreparably if if anyone could keep them in air-tight containers well he could try major he could try anything else you want no thank you no it's a bit late we'd better get upstairs fight sorry to have kept you um no no she was the one he had with him the third time the first one was the dowdy one then his wife then her and now this red oh yes that must have been lovely number 12. thank you how very lovely yes that was them not much they get less fussy as they get older sorry about this please it couldn't matter unless we're meeting in the morning anyway you've had a long journey you've got a good night's sleep they're sure you're feeling all right oh fine fine just a little oh yes of course well you get straight to bed and we'll pick you up here at 9 30. we'll have a coffee and go into the md at 10. fine thanks okay good night bye in the morning see you at 9 30. sorry harry oh no on his own again oh no i wouldn't have thought so he watches the football number eight isn't it are you feeling all right yeah not too good no oh dear would you like a little hot something oh no no fine thank you oh well if there's anything you need yes no that wasn't him that was a new one good night i said good night oh good night didn't hurt did it good manners cost nothing now he's not feeling very well because you only have to take a good night here it's not the gettysburg address is it about the win you're not feeling well just two words into the world excuse me yes mr lehmann what can i do for you do you think i might have breakfast in bed in the morning in bed yes of course yes we can manage there can we do it yes we can i'll call you back it's easy to do my legs and so well most of our guests managed to struggle down in the morning a full breakfast on the continental oh i don't know very good for breakfast eggs bacon sausage tomato fried chicken the continental uh you wouldn't care for kefir oh fine keepers yes thank you so much marmalade yes thank you coffee yes thank you a newspaper the telegraph thank you good night rosewood mahogany tea there your van what would you like your breakfast tray made out of i don't really mind are you sure fine will you go along and have a really good night's sleep then i'm having to get a couple of hours later on the show i'll be having good time to serve your breakfast in bed if you can remember to sleep with your mouth open you won't even have to wake up i'll just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered pepper when you're breathing in the right direction if that doesn't matter sausages please just hostages just sausages tea or coffee coffee please buddies oh no not a saucer come on i said a bowl hey boy yes they're not code like that that's too cold i said tepe didn't i mars grande manuel de arva caliente oh catch pneumonia after that and bring another cushion he's not quite high enough sausage is on six terry coming up another car story did you believe it put these keepers back with your battle they ought to get the buttons to run out of car factories in the fridge you should have been eaten by when was the sixth oh that's all right it says on the packet civil they're all right mr faulty for six that's just to cover them first eggs and sausages pulp on the table on the table that now put that under him the cushion the cushion he bite me you frightened him okay you make sudden movements like that of course he's going to bite don't you have dogs in calcutta excuse me but i have an order for eggs and sausages for this table oh yes the sausages of the hip oh what's the matter they work they bite me cut them up cut them up into little pieces no not my eggs not my eggs for sausages oh sorry we might pull it too you see if dogs are allowed in the dining room at least the staff should know how to handle them i'll cut them up in the kitchen little pieces up what's the matter man that hairy mosquito just fitted what it's not right in dining room like that well she pays extra for the dog man when you sleep on it's after eight poisoning is still on the fence in this country you know so all those do get a move on we got a busy day i've got the laundry menu laundryman my god a woman's work is never delegated what are you doing polly just preparing some sausages bangers good morning breakfast breakfast here we are another cast-like mile taxpayers pay millions each year to get the money go on strike it's called socialism i mean if they don't like making cars why don't they get themselves another bloody job designing cathedrals or composing violin concertos the british laden concerto in four movements all of them slow with a four-hour t break in between i'll tell you why because they're not interested in anything except lounging about conveyor belts stuffing themselves with my money you don't mind if i turn the light off well enjoy breakfast i'm sorry i didn't catch them oh not at all thank you for mentioning the morning so they can land around in bed to midnight you get some word of thanks what's that forgot the milk i don't get talking to him you never get away would you believe it i get him his breakfast i take it all the way upstairs i lay it in front of him hand him his newspaper i tidy the room draw the curtain guess what he says i said guess what he says nothing your friend one innate nothing not a word are you listening hello can hello can anybody hear me have i cease to exist have i suddenly become invisible civil symbol symbol can you see me no oh god well i go and lie down there no but i'll go and hit some guests who number eight lehman but basil gets to give me breakfast it's cold oh no what's the matter with that dog he is dead oh he's certainly struggling for life at the moment dead dog in the breakfast roommate egon renee knock off a star for that no no mr lima and dad well that would explain a lot no mister really paul just said so what are you all about i just took him his kippers oh my god i just put the milk down the craze but are you doing what are you doing i told her i told her you get 20 years back the kidneys that kid was on that day because he's been dead for hours mr faulty he's cold he's been dead for hours he must have died in his sleep mr baltimore he hasn't touched those peppers well look feel what feeling it's done cold yeah oh joy oh thank you guys oh his name wonderful i'm so happy who found the body i was bringing him up to milk and we'd forgotten it you brought the milk with the breakfast no the breakfast was already up well who brought the breakfast who found it what's that um that's a bit of it get off the breakfast you brought him his breakfast yes so you told her he was dead yes well then why did you bring him why did you bring in the milk then why yes why well when he said mr lehmann was dead i thought he said he's still in bed well he didn't get to say he was dead well i said he was pretty quiet quiet exactly what were you talking to him about basil car strikes was it thank you sybil i don't understand he's been dead for about 10 hours it's so final isn't it well wouldn't you say it was final deal i'd say it was pretty bloody final you mean he told me you didn't realize this man was dead enough people don't talk that much in the morning oh look i'm just delivering a tray right if the guest isn't singing oh what a beautiful morning i don't immediately think oh there's another one snuffed in my mind another name in a 40 tower book of remembrance i'll be visiting a hotel about a burma railway yes but i mean he does actually say hotel outside me perhaps i should be more specific hotel for people who have a better than 50 chance of making it through the night what are you looking at me like that for basil there's a keeper sticking out of your junk ah there it is i've been looking for that at the other one uh we'll be downstairs doctor shall i ring the undertaker would you polly i mean ever since 5 30 you know he was leaving today some people coming at nourish time well we put him in another room we're full tonight i'll do put that away get the body into the office until the undertaker's come when doctor's finished what are you doing making up his bill who are you gonna give it to we'll leave it in his wallet they're bound to look there better not charge him for breakfast mr simkins faulty towers here i'm afraid somebody's died during the night when could you collect the body somebody anybody really good morning good morning you're very careful this morning mr salty yes for one of the guests to just die yes i can't give him his death certificate i'm not his doctor i have to report his death to the coroner oh i see of course do come this way doctor oh clear okay good morning then well good morning oh it's all right leave it no leave it in heavy i know it's quite a wrap what does that mean no don't bother we can manage or just don't bother no no leave it alone i know if i just follow them like this go away i'll do it miss kid no it's all right two dead 25 to go drop my ring oh there it is oh sorry i'm in your way that's quite all right oh is this your room yes it's lovely isn't it yes did you enjoy your breakfast oh yes thank you yes sir excuse us do you think we could just go inside and get on not really cotton well it's being cleaned mr portis doing it but we want to get our thing yes we're going out you see oh well it'll only take a couple of minutes well i'm sorry we're a little late excuse me excuse me mr forty mr balti mr fulby mr and mrs white want to come into their room i was just explaining that you were doing the wrong yes might be five minutes well couldn't you do it later um pick that ash trap will you burn well please the big one um could you could we do it later when we've got our thing well it'll only be a couple of minutes look faulky we want our pins oh right yes thank you so much you've lost it oh well that's just a precaution have you locked this holy slice will you let us in what's going on well he's a bit of a perfectionist ready what's been going on in here well we tried rearranging the furniture but it didn't really work out man well hazel coat it's all right he's from barcelona oh what a noise oh it's just my back no no that morning oh yes that's all no no it's coming from the cupboard well we'll get some oil and have a nice day there's someone in there what yes listen no no no no no please what lord said there is let them out good idea well um well go on yes we're going for it the next thing on the list oh and if you do get a chance to visit the museum now oh yes thank you very much thank you right now all right all right i will i will now i've warned you about this before you've been hiding your own cover but not in other people's i'm sorry about this you've got really flavor she doesn't have much in her life just to make her an entertainment that's why she goes in the cupboard exactly are you feeling better her arm gets stuck there it's always happening he's dead this is her husband whatever he died 30 years ago she doesn't mean any arms in the garbage no more today you've had enough oh my god anything else we can do for you what was so horrible mrs faulty you have no idea oh i know it was pitch black in there and that sings with its head oh i know now you have a little rest and try to think of something else but anything could have happened well he was dead dear a man is a man mrs faulty oh i know i should speak to him about it speak to him to mr faulty with his oldest resident well have a little rest first frightening me like that i shall speak to him have a word with him in a little while when you're feeling better i see yes thank you it's all right here they've got rooms at the sea view tonight yes well let's have a look at it yes and if that's no good we'll find the one up by the prophylactic emporium okay don't say anything to anybody but he's dead ah shocked was it no no no die didn't sleep can you sleep oh well you're off your guard you see yes i shouldn't uh let him lie around the egg no no no the undertakers are coming to get him ah because they attract the flies you see look i've been waiting in there what i haven't had any breakfast yet oh uh right sorry uh come here come here turn these sausages sorry about the delay doctor normal service has been resumed as soon as possible more coffee i'll turn the radio back oh no would you believe it but he wouldn't fit the safe and all the doors were full come on kitchen hello be serious to you oh dear well don't just stand there i'll call a vest right sorry about them bit overdone i'm afraid to send them down the crematorium oh you can't keep a dead body in here with us food probably of course not all right okay sorry manuel not in here not in the kitchen oh right oh um symbol i'm looking after these tibs bezel how are you feeling dear it won't be two minutes okay sorry about that don't you watch your hands first please oh i'm not sure this area is scrapped before anymore food is prepared in here absolutely sausages accepted you may cook them immediately i'll take the risk leave it no no i can't leave it no no it's not time please no no please i'm sitting here there's no lunch till i'm still having breakfast it's finished hold on breakfast i'm having sausages he's not allowed put that man look i'm a doctor i'm a doctor and i want my sausages i tell you he's finished bye-bye please bye-bye now look it's finished give this to me come on come on no there's no possibility is is everything all right he wants me now i've been trying to sit down he keeps moving things from my table i'm so sorry he doesn't seem to understand that i haven't finished breakfast my world let me explain you understand i'll be ready in just a couple of minutes there we are mr england's number eight hope of this day is on the right excuse me not coming up with you one of our guests has been taken ill thank you ah excuse me in the office excuse me yes we have an appointment with mr lehmann you know where he is where he is um would he be in the dining room might he be in his room let me think um oh you've come to collect him oh i'm sorry i didn't realize modern dress your dress is very modern i didn't realize women did it he's downstairs no no in the basket i fake your part he's in the basket in the basket yes hello what's up what's he doing in the basket well not much what are you talking about but don't you believe oh my god he's gone fresh laundry they've taken him basil if you could just hang on a couple of minutes sorry to keep you oh it's all right it's all right we sorted it out he's in this one the doctor didn't want him in the kitchen so we put him in the basket small hygiene yes you do work here yes well we'd like to speak to the manager well i'm the manager is there a problem well he is really no um uh there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding here we've come to collect one of your guests so mr lehmann to take him into town for a meeting meeting yes a meeting with our managing director oh i see miss mr lehmann yes we thought you said the linen brilliant sorry sorry that's it sorry to keep you hello my tweet what are you doing though well it's a bit invulnerable but uh we thought that these gentlemen thought that we thought that there was government no they were coming for mr lehmann and we thought that they were coming to collect the linen mr lehmann yes so if you just sort that one out there i'll take the linen upstairs okay i see thank you very much oh is i don't want to work here anymore open the basket now inside look you i quit get out i'll strike i warning you i'll stay here tonight you see that you're next really i'm so sorry thank you thank you goodbye goodbye goodbye yes could i get my hat your hat yes it's just there yes i'll have it sent on could i just get it well do you have to have it now well yes i suppose if you lose it i mean it's windy today i'd like to have it oh right manuel manuel he's in the basket man oh boy would you get manuel out of the basket please man yes come on girl come on what's the matter well he isn't in there yes he is he isn't he is look for him oh i'm sorry you big scum see ah man would you get this gentleman in these hats please there on the rack sorry what color was it brown brown no that's not it no thank you mr faulty i want a word with you in your office yes when would be convenient for you i'm 79 what on earth is going on here oh sorry about the idea down i've got a bit caught my baby my baby's dying say boys i've just cooked these sausages myself and they're off they should have been eaten by the third ah there you are there you do look nice ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen laundry is ready ladies and gentlemen there have been a lot of cock-ups this morning you all deserve an explanation and i'm happy to say that my wife will give it to you thank you thank you what's going on boys foreign so

Channel: Vintage Videos

Views: 78,945

Keywords: VHS, Fawlty Towers

Id: d4sh5LAtqTU

Length: 93min 37sec (5617 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 04 2020