FAMILY LIFE 2021 |THE CONVERSATION CONTINUES | SEPTEMBER 18TH | 3:30 PM | ROLAND AND RACHEL SEALY

[Music] good afternoon everyone and welcome back to five of us sda livestream program and the conversation continues we indeed were blessed this morning with brother and sister celie's message and we know that you are going to be blessed even more this afternoon as we continue with this conversation of marital stress and toxic relationships so sit back relax share the link quickly invite someone to enjoy this and to be blessed by this conversation i am your host nasha cooper and i'm joined with my co-host pleasant servant everyone and i am so happy to be here with you all please let us bow our heads for word of prayer before we begin their kind and merciful father we thank you for allowing us to see another sabbath lord we thank you for your mercy and your grace that you keep bestowing upon us oh lord i pray that you'll bless each and every one of us from the crown of our head to the soul of our feet oh lord i pray that you be in each family and each home oh lord and i pray that you'll bless them and keep them all lord and help them to know that they can count on you and it can choose you o lord and that you would help them so i thank you i praise you and i magnify you this is my prayer in jesus name amen thank you for joining us once again this afternoon for ey join with me as we say praises unto this name let's go [Music] [Music] we welcome you [Music] anyway [Music] i know i am [Music] is [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] but the is on jesus says [Music] jesus [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] is [Music] foreign [Music] for sure [Music] [Music] is [Music] is [Music] i know [Music] [Music] i am [Music] i am [Music] [Music] i love it there is [Music] there is [Music] there is power in the blood power in the blood [Music] [Music] [Music] three by three [Music] i'm [Music] [Music] jesus [Music] is [Music] [Music] is [Music] foreign [Music] to be happy [Music] amen [Music] yes at five verse 7 adventist church we still see i do we are still big on marriages and we have been having a lot of individuals sending in their married pictures and we thank you for doing so we had quite a number this morning and we have some to share again this afternoon with us because we encourage marriage life we encourage you to keep jesus christ at the center of your marriage life and that's the only way success will continue to come your way first corinthians chapter 13 verses 12 and 13 says for now we see through our glass darkly but then face to face now i know in part but then shall i know even as also i am known and now abided faith hope love these three but the greatest of these is love love is the center of it and this evening we want to celebrate we want to continue celebrating with individuals who have sent in their pity telling us that we still see i do and we want to go straight to mr and mrs hernandez mr and mrs hernandez 19 years maril and they are all the way from houston texas we say to god be the glory continue to keep god at the center of your marriage and you will be successful mr and mrs ford mr and mrs ford 19 years and compton we're not sure where mr mrs ford is from but we are happy that you send us your picture and to god be the glory okay and that is my very good friend ayanna charles sorry i know as charles mr says four to god be the glory continue to keep the lord in your marriage mr and mrs marshall mr and mrs martian and actually miss and mrs marshall celebrated their 21st wedding anniversary yesterday we say to god be the glory and we continue to keep you in our prayer mr and mrs nicholas mr and mrs nicholas three years married and counting and they are still enjoying marriage bliss to god be the glory continue holding jesus at the center of your marriage mr and mrs isaac mr and mrs isaac 29 years all the way from el cicoro sda church we are happy that you sent off your pity and to god be the glory we will continue to keep you in our prayer mr and mrs bortius and i think i would have gotten the name correct but you can correct me silently on the chat 24 years and counting all the way from germany germany slash trinidad so i want to believe that they are from germany but they are now living in trinidad to god be the glory may god continue to hold on to you and whole your marriage there mr and mrs waldron mr and mrs waldron 14 years and counting all the way from ontario canada ontario canada mr and mrs waldron to god be the glory we continue to keep you in our prayer mr and mrs hillary mister and mrs hillary five years on compton all the way from point 14 sdf point 14 cleveland sda church to god be the glory to hold jesus firmly in your marriage and you will succeed brethren we are happy that you continue to send us your pictures you have one more week to do so we bring this program to a close next sabbat so the email address is posted on the screen i'm certain that a lot of you know the email address send off your wedding pictures to us this coming week here so that next sabot we will celebrate with you and we will continue to keep you and your marriage in our prayer to god be the glory stay strong thank you so much uncle brian and we are so happy for all those happy couples who you know have been hanging in the end who still say i do so as we as the conversation continues charis i don't know if you were closely paying attention to this morning's service but as i can see the chat so many of them were blessed and there were so many pointers coming out of this morning's this question you know brother and sister celia indeed a mighty mighty team i wish i had a marriage like that i know a lot of people are probably you know that's what they aim to see how they mesh even in prayer and it's good that we would be able now to get some tips and ideas from them as well that's how we can improve our um our marriages our family you know because sometimes we say keep our our life private yes or we don't tell others a little tip or idea on how they can deal with a situation so i'm glad that we are having this opportunity now for others to as well get that blessing and get that tip yeah and they really used the the film and the drama to really bring out the points that the drama was being unfold from episode one to six and i know so many of you online you have been taking in the drama series intently so you even anticipating what is going to happen in the next episode um but and as we continue with the conversation this afternoon we are going to be looking at the drama series different clips we're going to be looking at it and discussing discussing different points coming out from it and we hope that each and every one of you you at home you will definitely be blessed by the points that are going to be coming out of today's discussion so charis we don't only have brother and sister silly with us yes we do have a guest in here with us and we will turn it over to them so that they can introduce themselves and there's the other guests that we have here with us this afternoon amen so let's make them introduce themselves now so brother and sister silly could you introduce yourselves they are always so they are so engrossed to one another okay i want to take this opportunity to introduce um my family i don't know if you can see them but i brought with me my family well we brought with us our children this afternoon and i think that you know have speaking in their presence is one of the ways that keeps us honest and and parents you can do that and you know you say things in the presence of your children so that they hold you accountable to it right and that keeps you honest and so i have this afternoon with me i first introduced my wife um she's my wife of 27 years and there is i think that is of all that i've ever done um marrying her was one of the best decisions that i've ever made amen amen oh yeah and so i am really happy this afternoon to share and she is really the the brains in the outfit you know the training she has received the training and in marriage and couples therapy and a lot of the things i know is really from her practicing on me you know i'm happy that i can be part of this ministry it really is a and and any married couple real their marriage should be a ministry an example to others so this afternoon my wife rachel is here with me my daughter chelsea firstborn she is also here with us she is a musician a trained musician she is she loves music she she exudes music you know her she's rhythmic she's loving she's kind she loves children and she's very opinionated she doesn't she doesn't cease to tell you what she thinks when she thinks it's and so i'm happy that she's here to share this afternoon with us too chad is also here with us chad our second born son they're very close in age and was that planned okay anyway so he is he is also very strong-willed very articulate you know very um when he has an opinion he sticks to it and and so i think they can add to the conversation after the discussion this afternoon especially bringing on a youth and a young perspective to it um i'm talking to them about marriage right now and sharing with them some things that they should be doing in preparation and they constantly remind me but first you have to find somebody you know so even so talking about marriage yes and so i'm happy this afternoon that we can we're all here as a family and this you know the ellen white says that the the best witness of of christianity is a well-ordered home and it's not a boast we're not posturing here as having arrived or having a tail but we're just saying that we are just striving to be that witness for christ ordering our home so that others can see and so we're going to try as much as we can through god's grace so that to share our experience as a family unit the ups and downs and everything so that we can have a better and closer understanding of the issues so thank you for having us on behalf of my family yeah so happy that you have taken the time to join us here and welcome to your son and daughter as well and it's really nice to see that a family you know it's not just about you have children and then you're doing your own thing and they are doing theirs but you have incorporated your children into what you are doing as well and that goes to show you know the order of things and therefore you're guiding them into what they should become as adults by therefore definitely modeling that for them so as the conversation continues we said we're going to look at the clips yes we are so the first one we're going to look at is a clip in episode one we're going to look at episode one you know that exciting new time what is the rush reynald you don't even know this boy mommy what you talking about elijah and you know him our whole family knows him how you can say i don't know him ah yeah child does not give me enough time to know somebody you hardly even know your own self you know anything about his family you know anything about him even you know anything about his past mommy i don't understand you know last time he talked about elijah he had nothing but good things to say about him he respectable he ambitious this stop the other now you're just switching up and acting like if he's the worst person in the world i have a problem with this thing because you telling me that you want to get married eh you're talking about wedding dress about marriage i don't know about marriage you know anything about marriage you want that he knew so much about marriage that now you're divorced you're not even married right now you of all people not in a position to tell me about marriage well exactly ronald this is what i am trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes that i made i am not you i am not you and i am not going to become you i don't want to be you elijah and i love each other we are going to get married just because you mess up your life doesn't mean i would mess up mine is he do you support me or you don't i just real tired of trying to explain to you that elijah and i love each other we love each other and we want to get married and that's final i see grown woman rene you didn't come to ask me about this you did not come to seek my blessing on this but you came to tell me exactly what you're going to do what you name woman rene this is your life but let me tell you something as your mother and as a woman who has made mistakes in her life i absolutely not in agreement with this wedding and i totally do not agree with this marriage you hear me what mommy renae mommy my name oh gosh yeah i know what you think him but don't worry she will come okay andy are we seeing it this is our first clip yes wow wow yes that's heavy that's heavy and we first want to direct our questions to your children seeing that this is a really young couple and in looking at it looking at the discussion between the mother and daughter the question we want to ask you what would you consider to be the right time or period for a young couple to move from dating to marriage so i'll take this um i think when it comes to any life altering decision there's a certain level of maturity that is to be expected all right so yeah so when it comes to any life altering decision i think there's a certain enough of maturity that is to be expected the bigger um the bigger it alters your life the more traits you need to have um on marriage or something that changes the course of your life for the rest of it because it's something you sign up for until you die so um psychologists and psychologists um try to measure maturity by age and they give a broad scope of what maturity you have at this certain age and the younger you are is the less maturity you might have so i don't um i don't think that necessarily young people should shy away from getting married but we should have a level of self-actualization to know that at this age we are a little less mature than we can be or less natural and we should be to make this big life-altering decision so as any younger you are there should be a longer process when it comes to getting married but as you get older then ag process could get shorter and shorter okay i agree what my brother is saying i know sometimes when we say that with maturity is also it's kind of confusing for young adults because one day you're telling us that you know we're not mature enough to do certain things or now because we are this age we have to have this level of maturity so it's always that back and forth of well you you don't have it you can't do this so that's why when it comes to decisions like that it's like well i you see and i'm mature enough to do this thing so i can make that decision but i agree it should be like i'm listening to the episode it was only a year and i i think that's two three to four years that's the time period especially for that age group because you yourself you still don't know yourself you know you still have to come to terms of what is your responsibility as this age what how are you maturing so uh just to add in um yourself measuring your level of maturity is biased you are biased you would always think of yourself as being the most mature of being the most put together person because that's yourself you know you'll pick up yourself always i think you have to look to people around you who know you so your parents will be a good judge to say okay they will know if you are at maturity level your parents people in your church your pastors your elders they would have a good unbiased of whether you have that maturity level or not so these people are going to turn to to get that metric of maturity right so you're saying that you should definitely see the opinions of the elders around you and see what they have to say are not just like grinnell grown woman renell i want to do this and i am ready to do that you know i wasn't even thinking if i could just jump in here so it was interesting that i know it was intentional of the directors of the play but um she had a hello kitty stick on her door hello kitty on your bedroom door and you're talking about marriage you know you know but but again i agree with the children um it's it's age can't really is not a good gauge of maturity but there is some waiting period you know when when it comes down to knowing yourself it's time for the hello kitty to come down it's time for the bedroom to look spotless grown up and then you would say well okay i think you're showing evidence of maturity and to add to that maturity would also mean that certain life tasks has been accomplished certain goals have been accomplished you know so you want to measure that as well um if you have not completed your education if you have not um you haven't acquired a job if you you know all of these things would measure also your maturity and your readiness for marriage so maturity not only means in terms of age but in terms of what have you accomplished that life task because at certain every stage has certain life tasks that must be accomplished have you checked those things right you know and so you want to look at that as well yes as your son said that you've reached that level of self-actualization a self-actualization know yourself yes yes to our viewing audience i would like for you to put your answers to these questions in the chat as well you can answer the questions for us as well as we go along and i do want to apologize for any mishaps with audio or anything we have been working on it okay so let's move right along yes so we know that now it's according to maturity but do you think that young people um rush into marriage for sexual activity [Laughter] um with this that i can't see all young people get into marriage because they want to engage in sexual activities but they're it's compelling to some you know well if i can't do it and i have to get married why not i think too it's also they want to have this but i am a grown-up and to me being a grown-up i have to be married i am my i am my own person i am i reach that level of maturity so i think too that's why some young people they get married you know because i'm on my own i could do this i have my own house i'm i could have i can make that decision if i want to cook this or not so what do you think um i think that's a yes a lot of young couples would get into marriage for um to engage in sexual activity or to have that status but i think it's as a result of the pressure that we as a church or we as a family or your community put on the appearance or the image of marriage rather than the actual thing itself so they would prefer that you have that image of being put well put together and having your life in order rather than have you sinning [Laughter] to look like you have yourself in order even if you're saying however at least look the part okay so the church of the church community kind of puts up pressure on um that image that's what you feel that's what you feel it's especially shows when we see um teenage pregnancies happen or pregnancies out of marriage you rush for them to get married one time before they even swap bump as soon as you realize get married one time it's more of a to save face than um but but i i agree with that you know i could see back then it was really just do it in marriage you know you're safe nobody could talk about you if anything happened outside but i won't say no i don't see that pressure because there are a lot of single ministries a lot of things in church where they support single people because they understand that maybe we should really pay attention to them so they won't get themselves in a marriage that they only wanted this the flesh and they get in trouble or they have pre-marital sex so i i think no because i see a lot more talk about okay single ministries come and sell it your own person and even supporting them to find somebody here who's a good meet and greet but i is a is a 50-50 sometimes you don't know what the young person i really wanted you know there's that phrase oh that text that sort of we used to within our community it's better to marry than to burn you know so we put that out there as well so again that is the additional pressure and um in sort of talking about sex before marriage or sex in marriage one of the things that is important to know that within the christian community we do not really teach safe sex in terms of we teach abstinence and so that's a big step we have to understand what that really means you know it's really a big step and so part of our teaching and education of the young is not only as not about safe sex but rather it's self-control so we teach self-control in other areas of your life so that you can have sex control and self-control in sexuality you know so all of that comes together when we talk about marriage and sex are in four seconds you know it's amazing that your body is ready for sex long before your mind is mm-hmm i often wonder i often challenge god on that why why why let people be ready for sex physically sure when mentally they're not a young guy at um 13 from around 2013 you know and she was younger you know and so that is the dilemma that i am still trying to to understand you just put that dilemma on me and i think most of the young people are trying to come to terms with that dilemma that's why that's why marriage seems to be the answer to those sexual ages let me get married you know just that that that fellaini blank question that we use this morning marriage becomes a response to sex the issue of sex so people go into married so that they answer the question of should i have sex and especially a christian context so the question asks do you think young couples should rush into marriage due to sexual activities definitely um definitely not they should not but we have to consider all of these things maturity of mind maturity of body adolescent puberty those things happen you know and so those are some of the other the sexualized society that we live in yeah i'm sorry should i be living you know that is young people trying to be true to themselves and true to god because they don't want to sin and if they you know because sex outside of the confines of marriage is sinful and so they don't want so they want to be true to themselves true to god so they go into marriage unfortunately unprepared for that side of life you know what's another thing um i feel maybe now especially in 2021 why young couples going rush into marriage is because looking at the time you know the world is a real scary place right now a lot of things are happening and it's not just the pandemic you know you're seeing with the global um a lot of earthquakes and you're just seeing that time time is wrapping up so let me rush the clock because i can't in um no code for three four years now because what if this happened so you know what let me just get married so i ha i see i accomplished everything in this life here that's a good point there yeah good point so as we on that point are we discussing would you say that young couples really recognize what marriage really truly entails um i would like to say that i don't think anyone truly knows what marriage entails marriage is such a circumstantial [Music] thing to have you have different personalities different people everyone is different different impairments different personality types and traits and circumstances backgrounds such such circumstantial stuff that no one person could truly know here's what this marriage would be like if i marry this person when doing these twists i saw someone with a quote that there's no perfect marriage book out there or guide perfect a guide to marriage because it's such a circumstantial stuff we could we could sit down make um the proper parameters to grow a healthy marriage or to have a healthy marriage but i don't think anyone really actually knows what it could entail unless we get into that situation until we get married to increase the likelihood of it being successful you know there are certain things that we could we could ensure but as you say not until it gets inside of it because two imperfect people getting together yeah i think like the young they're just going off of what they see with their parents what they see on social media and what they expect expectations are on marriage so they think they know that well this is marriage you know but after really getting to it they realize there are a whole lot of things that could change the expectations and have the reality or because of your parents marriage you know you don't really know what as child said you know you have the background that could make it different your marriage is not going to look like what everyone said everyone says in a book or what you think your parents have is right and rinnell's mom said that she said that you think this is a fairy tale you think this is one of the movies you're watching this is not and she is experienced yes she experienced it so she knows so she knows and and and i mean she got a throne back in her face but who best to tell the story that someone who was bitten about what what the biting is about what is experience and she was able to tell and certainly a wise person would have used that um to listen you know mom what was that like for you you know what can i do differently you know what do you have to tell me so that is the kind of discussions that can have you kind of just throw away her experience because her marriage was failed there was wisdom she had gained knowledge that is important that can certainly have been passed on if the child had taken time to run out to listen and at the risk of something like a perpetrator when we're looking at a story of a young couple who are experiencing a fail in marriage um one of the aspects of that feeling marriage is their youth is their inexperience in life and so forth but is not the only factor and it's not our attack at youth to be like okay they were young and this is well they shouldn't get married right okay but there's one of the factors that you should be aware of why this marriage was feeling you know i'm just reflecting on my own marriage we were probably just as young oh but we were just as young as these people and so what and sometimes they really did feel like this dolly house because they still feel like they should be home underneath the safety of your family of your parents sometimes you did feel those moments of am i old enough for material enough to be doing this you know those kinds of realizations did it you know but there were certain things as as as rachel said there's certain things that were in place that kind of checked off in the mature maturity are checklists chances are metric yeah geometric you know and you know and so those things would could have we could have said well yes that kind of qualifies us to be packed we enjoy this marriage experience we were friends we were friends for a long time for a long time too long but you know you know was one thing though that i realized that this could have been avoided right so you have this young couple that wants to get married i think all the emotions are high right and the conversations that the parents could have like i the the interaction between renee and her mom you know everybody was emotional and would just sit and they're chasing for sex and you know you're hearing that and you're like you want to defend yourself so you want to defend your decision because you now you make me seem like if i don't know what i'm about so i'm not on a defensive so i'm going to stick to my decision instead of listening and understanding that you know what mom you're right maybe i should talk to you like joe can you talk to us and tell us like what is the best decision you know we want to get married do you think we should wait a couple of months or do you think we should do this first or should we just be like you know waiting for each other but everybody was on such a high that that didn't happen but then again she did the mother did jesse that you didn't even come to ask for a blessing yeah blessing and yeah i said mommy i'm thinking about getting married you know you come to tell me yeah i am getting married because that blessing talk now is is outdated you don't really hear people say well i asked you know for the blessing it's both of us want to get married okay let's tell everyone you don't see that now saying that you have to talk to parents you have to make sure everybody is on board because it's not only you guys getting married you guys are marrying a family together so that is something that you have to make sure that both families are uh they know yeah and they have the time and that that actually brings us to the next question yes because i was thinking we were saying as parents you know when do you start preparing your children for marriage i know my mother she would say ishmael go and put out the garbage and when you get your wife don't let her ask just take it she would say those things you know on the other hand and i think maybe we could explore this on the other hand where you have persons thinking about getting married very young we also have a very modernized and industrialized view where you delay marriage and you say i'm going to wait until i get my master's or my phd right that might be your 30s or even your 40s you know and so you have that marriage experience being delayed which is actually the trend in marriage which is absolutely the truth the trend in marriage says that um people are delaying marrying for for later so there is an increase in the age group when people are married they're making sure that they fulfill all of these tasks before this you know elijah and renee may be an anomaly in the in the society but they're not but there is the incidence of delhi but over the pandemic i think that that was yeah no no for over the pandemic we have seen more young persons getting married people would know because and spend less money upon early marriage as there is the delayed marriage the same kind of attitude you know i'm talking about society where you're like you know why are you waiting so long to get married and on the other hand why are you getting married early so in our minds there's a collective that there's a mid-range 25-26 that's the good age to get married okay you know and so that's another conversation that we can have not because we're looking at the the drama but that's something we could think about that delay where people are intentionally seeing i'm not getting married until these things happen and you know it kind of just sometimes as a community it is important how we um we think about the narratives that we push because that brings a very important point when we see young people why are you not married yet or you see them um you know these narratives that we push and they create these things in their mind that they may have to rush so we have to be careful as adults just to accept the person at whatever stage they're in let them be content be happy celebrate them you're married celebrate you're single celebrate so that we can change the narrative and change that that either the feeling that i'm not enough or haven't done it yet or you know that kind of thing just have that acceptance and maybe that would help in creating the right time or you know the ease at which they can go into these these um relationships and as families as parents if you realize that your children is you know they're gonna get married young as much as you don't want to because i think in parents mind when you reach that stage you leave the nest i don't really have to be in there i don't want to be in your marriage but i think if i realize that i have a child and she is going to be 21 and she's going to get married over a year i'm going to be a little bit more present and helping not trying to take over but i'm going to make sure that i set her up well and instead of saying you don't know how to cook well let me show you how to bubble this pot here because you're not going to leave this house saying that you're my daughter and you can't do this so i would do a crash course and make sure that she's okay and prep her in that time now for marriage instead of being so against it i just want to add as you probably conclude this part in terms of preparing your children for marriage that happens whether you plan to or not from the time your child is present in the home they are learning about marriage and they are learning about marriage from you okay so whatever you put out there they already understanding that this is marriage and permit me just a second to tell a very important a story about a farmer who had a dog a very loved dog and this was the farmer's pet and this dog got injured and he ran across the road he got knocked down and the farmer picked him up carried back home and took care of the dog but the dog still walked with a limp eventually that dog had pops and one day the farmer looked out the window and he saw the dog and the four pups walking behind the door and the dog the the dog in front the mommy dog was walking with a limp and the four puppies behind was also walking with a limp even though they did not get injured what we we teach our children whether intentionally or intentionally they learn and so we have to set up the good models of marriage so that our children can have a better marriage they can have a better understanding so when do we start preparing them from the minute they're in our homes and sometimes i think even before you're considering marriage look at yourself think about what are the things that have to change so that because you are bringing somebody else you are opening a space for another generation to step in i think also there are windows of opportunity sometimes you hear your children talk about when they get married so they'll mention my wife or my husband or when i get married this is what i want this is what you know so when you hear those kind of cues and it may be very young maybe nine ten years old you hear them talk about those things when you hear those kinds of cues they're good windows of opportunity to teach not in a pedantic kind of way we'll sit down let me teach you about the facts of life but to maybe directly or directly tell them about expectations and what are you looking for and so they may say something that my husband has to be tall and that's a good point to interject you know well that's not what it's all about so sometimes they give you these teaching moments yeah so that you can can train and allow them to to see for themselves because you see children and humans have to reap has to they have to re to get the lesson on their own a teacher can only bring them to this point of knowledge but they have to get the lesson on their own yes and that way they take ownership of it so this is what i want to do it was a good moment for the mother as well to become the marriage counselor for these two people so rather than rather than blame and condemn and and chastise she could she should have used that moment to be their marriage counselor sit them down together this is the direction you should go this is how i can help this is how we can help and you know so those moments will come up in the life of your of your children all right so time is quickly passing that's what the conversation is yes we don't want to go to the second clip we don't want to go to the second clip we really need to hold up on some of our purchase plans by okay why [Music] cover right due to the pandemic well today at the office they told me that the project i was working on it has been pushed back till next year what well what does that mean do you do you still have a job yes yes i do still have a job but i only work in for like two days a week on a smaller project with a reduced salary okay so we really need to cut back on some of our monthly spending okay well we can make it work we just need to figure out what our expenses are are we supposed to have savings in the bank rate well between the monthly car installment rent in advance and the weather we just had very little however the salary that i'm getting i could afford to pay the monthly installments for the car um utilities oh and um mommy's allowance what allah [Music] we have rent what about my school fees all right well i was thinking that remember you was telling me that the bank offered you a position just beyond august yes but that's full time how how am i supposed to work and go to school this semester starts back in september all right well i'll just get into that you could just take one year or from university and just work for that one year we'll get back on our feet in no time oh no what this is my last year i can't just stop in the last year elijah reynald look i thought it true and this is the only way i see fit no it has to have another way i cannot just stop any last year elijah daddy could be the school visa what daddy no what he wouldn't have a problem with it i will i will call him now no i just said no don't be foolish please excuse me you're not i saw you right it's just a lot going through a lot right now and i needed to trust me beautiful please just just trust me [Music] okay okay i i really wanted to finish the last year but i guess we'll just we'll just have to figure it out i will call the bank manager and i will handle food and rent so by you handling food you're cooking right and you're pushing it come here [Music] well if you're home if you're going to look for two days then i could already cough um but jasmine right you and i will see this stream okay so we see another interesting clip there so many things coming out yes and um watching that clip we could see that each of them had plans each of them made plants each of them as individuals made plants but you know we need to um on a couple level would you say that you need to put aside that individual plan that you had eventually or before and now have one as a couple because we're seeing where they have individual plans and even elijah he's making his plans and it's based on him she's doing all the compromise and you could see in terms of her schooling and not asking her father because of i i would say his ego you know so in in in what what's your thoughts on that clip in particular yeah so so you're looking at planning and should there be some kind of joint planning you know there's a there's a style in in a teaching strategy i do you do we do i want to kind of borrow that and say i plan you plan v plan so i can plan and my plan could be grandiose plans i wanted to hike market mount everest and you know i could have those plans and she can have similar plans but then we have to find the plans that that we can do together and that can be supported by both of us so we're not just planning a wedding day we're planning a marriage right and so that those both levels of planning has to take place planning for the wedding whether you're having stuffed prunes with peanut butter or you're having something else you don't plan the wedding you don't know about that kind of about that i will give [Laughter] planner and have a lavish outdoor barefoot beachfront kind of wedding which which seems to be um i have to top your wedding plans and but that's why we're going to either you know so there has to be that i plan you plan we plan and where the plans intersect that's that's where we can achieve together and also agree to support each other's plans so i wouldn't say oh i want to climb mount everest for you know i would say see how we can fit this in to the grand scheme of our marriage and where does that fit in and support the plans but there should be joint planning because again i'll get married to yourself so there must be joint planning when they're when it comes to marriage so they really need to understand that two becomes one the two becomes one and i make a plan because he made the plan and came and told her this is my plan and my plan will work yeah forget your plan yeah i don't want to watch you forget your plan i didn't even ask yes how do you think we can work this out wren no i tell you this is my plan and it will work yes and that could also be another coming also from either a cultural or a stereotypical idea of what headship means as well yes you know um i am the man so i tell you i say what's happening here my money i am the oh i am the bigger income owner so i have a right to say what's going down you know so these cultural things and issues i think that we have to look at but certainly planning in our marriage is collaborative and it does not matter income level it does not matter education level it doesn't matter we are a team right and so it's as as was said it's a weakness so everything must be brought to the table and together the couple makes the best decision and um you used a very good word there when it comes to compromise now is a good strategy for conflict um resolution all right it helps but it is not the best way because in compromising somebody loses so rene rennell compromised for the peace of the marriage but she lost something there and she said that there must be a better way and had they spent time exploring um spending as much time as it took they would have come up with something and where both of them would have been um happier and what we call that in marriage is a win-win situation right what happened there was a win loss even though it was peace it seemed to be peaceful it was a win-loss because she took a loss she took a hit for the team you see and then he was even even more selfish because he expected to give up the degree and she can't even drive the car yes sir you understand i thought you should have stand up by that point but hello so so there was that compromising and this is a word that we use a lot in um in terms of conflict but we have to remember and sometimes that's a good strategy you know sometimes you just have to take one for the team you have to give in but when it comes to these important critical decisions collaborative um solution finding is the best when you compromise as you say somebody loses but you still hold some kind of resentment you could and you go into the marriage with resentment i had to give up my position my first degree yeah she did so willingly yeah she would still feel like kind of remorse yes as dicks yeah and absolutely break sit down um i want to ask a question before marriage do you think you should also plan because when i hear people plan there's always the good things you know this is what i want on my wedding this is where we're going to honeymoon i want the separate bedroom i want this they all plan the beautiful things of a marriage but i don't i don't really hear plans about what if we're in a crisis what is the plan right so if we have a financial issue which is to me the first thing we should always talk about that mostly gonna happen somebody might lose a job pay cut what is the backup plan and when we talk about the backup plan that we made together and if we realize well we can't do this one here let me switch it up for something else at the end of it it's still something as y'all said is a wee plan you know so i can you act on your answer very well i can say somebody training you good girl exactly yes you know there was always there was and i think we have to be to start to teach our children and even um behave in that way where i see several cultures around the world when they're when two young people decide to get married the level of support from the community i mean i said community i mean the family immediate family and so on they may they may invest some money for that couple right or they may do something where that couple is and chelsea talk about finance well that couple has a financial footing to start a good start all right you know it's not us it's not our culture to do so i'm not saying it's not our culture as black people or not race or anything but it's not our culture to give our married couples young children a start a financial start and i think that would be a good we could even plan for that you know the parents can have an investment plan from when they're children and as that grow when they get married you turn it over to them they're their nest you know the nest as you say that we chose or something two years before and when it you know you give it to them you know that kind of financial planning and it shows support to the young couple it shows that we are here for you we're not telling you what to do but we are here for you here's a good financial start i think that route comes from um adventism with the whole leave and cleaved and they take that very seriously but but dowry dowries isn't that the concept of doris and also what i was going to say just now is that i remember from pastor moses presentation where he talked about in the israelite custom when the couple got married the first year they were allowed just to be a couple with all the financial responsibility it is a levitical concept and certainly that is a wonderful thing because as we talked about this morning that coupling experience is really a challenge in time and not to be burdened with financial strains and debts and stuff is gives the couple that space in where they can focus on each other and they can grow and face the challenges without that strain so i just re i just recall that when you share that there all right so we're moving along quickly going to the next clip i am your mother talk to me what is wrong [Music] come on i'm just so tired he just fights every single day and i tried to talk to him about it but he just don't even he don't even talk to me anymore and i just i don't know how to get out of this situation [Music] i am here for you i am here to support you i just i don't even know what to do i was like every day just regret tv session [Music] i and know [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] you sure you're pregnant right now yes and you know i shouldn't even know because i would tell him about it and he's not listening to me i can't even have a conversation with him and i don't know what to do [Music] i'm here for you okay so we'll continue with now um we're seeing here that she's pregnant yeah it wasn't planned at all i think that they were already experiencing some type of issue and now they have a new issue which is an unplanned pregnancy and then they also they are having communication issues they are not communicating communication ends up to arguments so it's more argument than communication where they're just trying to i guess defend themselves everyone is trying to defend themselves so what are your thoughts on um what brings communication breakdown in a marriage and how could they foster healthy communication in a marriage okay so let me just dive in on that one and you know as you said that you reminded me of the what we talked about this morning in terms of cumulative stress they have not resolved one issue and here's another issue coming up you know so it's on one on top of the other and usually that creates a pile up which is which further escalates the situation in the marriage and communication is a big topic communication is big it and you know there's a saying that what air is to the lungs communication is term marriage that's how vital it is you understand and divorce rates for communication factors um estimates about 65 so 65 percent of persons who divorce divorce over communication issues so this is really real thing and if you think about it i mean we talk to know each other we talk to get together we talk to learn about each other and it's talk that could get us in trouble and talk and to keep us you know talk our mouths and the bible has a lot to say about communication and about um how we can do communication right in fact when i think about rules for communication the bible is the one that i go to don't go to sleep angry a soft answer to natalie wrath you know all of those good counsels about communication comes from the bible but specifically you asked about um [Music] what are some things that can help the breakdown and communication what are some of the things that they can do and there are several things and the first thing is to be respectful be respectful and when you're talking to each other talk with each other with respect and dignity you know i always say that if you and if you want to know what that sounds like or what that looks like think about when you're talking to your boss that's so true in your head think about when you're talking to someone you you check yourself right you don't say everything that just pops into your head and and come out of your mouth and and your spouse deserves that level of respect to be careful with what you say and how you say what you say so a good rule is to be respectful to think about that person as i don't want to hurt care care is love love is the highest rule so be respectful um listen well listen we're listening is a big part of the communication problem we do not listen well we often listen to respond and not listen to understand yeah so if you think that you are listening listen even harder pause a while and think did i get what that person is what he's really saying and in order for you to really know that you are hearing well you must hear not only the words that have been communicated but you must hear emotions until you have not heard the emotions that are being communicated you have not listened well and so you must take your time to get that and and you ask so um roland shares something with me and then i paraphrase it back um you said x y z did i get that right and and so i check in with him yeah to make sure no i'm not saying that we do this huh let me tell you it is not that easy but when there is a problem when there is a conflict it it you know you pause a extra second to to make sure that you're doing it right all right another thing would be to set aside time to have talks so you decide that we're going to have a talk on whatever date and you respect that and you set aside that time for talking and one of the ways they can do that is not just by rushing in and say we have to talk you know the worst thing a man can hear is that we have to talk trouble because that means i have to listen [Laughter] so so it is it would be good to say you know um i really have this on my mind and i would like to talk with you when would be a good time for us to talk about this right you know i just want to jump in here because sometimes when you give these tips it sounds so clinical yes and and prescripted and awkward and awkward you know because you need to see the eye statements i i i feel you you know and it's not you know we have to even come up with a with maybe a caribbean or trinidadian way of stating ice statements and i always tell my wife that find a way that you could tell a trini man to i statements for the trini man you know or something but some people may say well i don't speak standard english so and i have to say are you saying when you say that i am you know so those things can be awkward it can be clumsy but the the heart of it is as you said listening to understand and not listening to respond i always like to hear that you're listening to understand what the business seeing and not just listening to respond and we saw that they were just listening to respond yeah if they were listening at all and this is particularly important if you have a high conflict marriage if the problem if you don't have a problem then you don't have to fix it right you have to you have to fix it if there is a problem and when you go by a doctor and the doctor gives you certain prescriptions it's not always easy to follow take the pill at this time but you follow it because you want to get better if you have a high conflict with uh marriage then one of the ways of getting out of that conflict is through communication another advice would be [Music] look at the kind of talks that you're having in our relationship we have four kinds of talks you have um what what i call shop talk you have business talk you have problem talk and then you have intimacy talk so shop talk would be things like what going on how was work today um you know that kind of way then you have business talk business talk is you know the children need to go by um to take lessons how are we getting them there so you have that kind of talk and then you have problem talk you know we have a problem but hardly ever do couples take the time to have the intimacy talk right in where i am updating and you um what is happening with you what is making you so stressed how can i pray for you today how that kind of talk and when you have more of that kind of talk that builds the communication and intimacy a lot of times we are having problem talk you know the children um the teacher called today and they needed a book and so we talked about that just yes you know or or if the sink is leaking when we're going to fix that you know you call the plumber you have that kind of talk but to have talks and where you are updating and learning about each other and that is a very important aspect of communication are really important because it connects it connects and reconnects you know it helps you to see that you're being heard and your emotions matter yes i like that kind of so we should do more of that in our mind and therefore you feel that security and our safety yes within your marriage i want to to tag the young people and i don't know if they have anything to say maybe they'll have some on the next clip okay okay you didn't deal with the pregnancy yes yes the unexpected yeah i i wanted a couple deal with um we know this should be planning before and and that one didn't happen but how does a couple deal with it when it it's already here we didn't plan for it but it's here and i like the the term that carrots use um unexpected pregnancy as opposed to unplanned right i don't like the term unplanned pregnancy especially in marriage now let me explain why because if you're having unprotected sex you will get you can get pregnant you can you can so there is no maths and planning and physics in that right so you should expect unexpectedly we should expect the unexpected but sometimes it comes unexpectedly right and that may show you off so that that um and so this particular pregnancy came unexpectedly not and even unexpected pregnancies bring joy to home yeah but it didn't it came at the wrong time because there were other things happening so much stress there would be nothing so much stressors that this it wasn't just unexpected it was unwanted right yes you know and so you can have unexpected pregnancies and it still brings up joy and everybody celebrates oh you're pregnant good but because there were so many layers of issues right but this young couple it now became another pylon of the stressors so creating that environment that safe emotional environment is important even within the marriage so that unexpected things the car break breaks down the back you need a new battery for the car those unexpected things your wife is pregnant they still they do you don't respond to them as if it's the end of the world right there's a positive response to that and i want to add under no circumstances is a response abortion it's a response getting rid off okay you see so and that has to be said because that is an option this wasn't shown all right he slipped that in at some point yes and he stepped it well you could take it sorry we jump in the gun we're jumping the gun [Laughter] you're always calling me a mama's boy but as soon as things go bad between you and i you're quick to go and tell your mom you all be business from when we don't talk i know you're telling her that you're pregnant you told her this before you even told me renee elijah i was going to tell you you was going to tell me today he was going to tell me renault i cannot take care of a tribe or you could allow to stop on how i could allow this happen how i could allow this to happen i got pregnant by myself you wasn't so sweet taking precautions you know i taken precautions you wasn't taken precautions elijah why trying to make this my fault rannell i cannot afford a child right now a canternal is milk pampers clothes granola baby you will take care of that what you just tell me take care of that that's all you have to say elijah just take care of it you're trying to tell me to get rid of your child renal i did not say that do not put words in my mouth i did not fail i understood exactly what you said you said to take care of that like the one this is our child elijah ronald i was not talking about the baby i was referring to milk and pam personally don't point your hand in my face right you are the most selfish self-centered person i have ever met in my entire life right everything is about you your career your life what about me what about my degree elijah i don't want to hear what you have to say right everything is about you everything is about you right you're driving around in your in your bmw kind of ford gasper it's always asking me for it always talking to everybody about the big project you used to work on rent i don't want to hear you elijah you know my mother told me i wasn't ready for marriage i took a chance on you i give you a chance i put aside everything everybody that care about me i i argue with my mother because i believe that i had loved you and i wanted to marry you right now you're coming to me and telling me that's the worst six months of your life you acting like a little boy elijah [Music] what a heated argument and the thing that they have been trying to communicate and he came and said he wanted to talk but again she's seeing we are seeing resentments coming in there he said i did this for you and i wrote that for you you compromised yeah we'll talk about that yes stepping in here and he is now putting it on her how you could do this to me how you can get pregnant like she did it but how you allow that to happen again the selfishness is coming in because he's seeing that as a stymie in his plans yes you know so this this act of an and i'm i'm following the chat here the chat is lighting up at this point i'm going to share some things are very opinionated um but but yeah you know the the the whole point he was unfair to her in that he knew so precautions could have been taken right so that this pregnancy did not happen at this point right so that level of planning did not happen but beca they're married and so they have the license to get pregnant right i'm not overlooking the fact that there's this university talk going on you know and so it's important that that the pregnancy and they're dealing with the pregnancy there's a wrong thing yeah the natural consummation of marriage is sex and the outcome of sex can be a pregnancy so dealing with it as if it's something so terrible happening to to me at this time i think it's a really it shows again the immaturity of dealing with with things that you know unexpectedly right the emotions that all of us but there were two things that i wanted to see one with when it comes to planning and well communication right i think they we we wait too long in marriage to invite our mediator in or we wait until it's high and it it takes over longer to heal because he's saying you always run into your mother but it should be a norm that there is someone that we can turn to to help us really resolve it because if i'm always defensive you're always defensive and we're really not hearing each other i mean it's very hard to say i feel like this when right now i just want to mash up this place here you know says you know why don't we take this time to go by someone that we trust if it's a pastor if it's our elder or if it's counseling therapy to really sit down and say we have this issue here and we're not just banging our right way because we can't figure it out but there's a lot of pride and that is like you know i think i could do this and again his selfishness from day one even the clip they showed today about how he even asked to get married it was always about check check check for him and there was there was nothing about her and two she didn't voice that she can say that she and she waited so late that now the resettment is building up because when he asks you know i really want to finish school yeah she could have said that you know and again if her mom was able to she went to her mom the right way her momma would help her find the words to say that so she wouldn't reach this point now where's you just you are not me so yeah good point and that inability to really communicate effectively out of voice our opinions the right way is uh is uh [Music] i'm trying to say that i'll be in that young uh result of being not necessarily she did not learn these skills right so after a longer period of time maybe she finished school she had a job for a longer time she'll be able to communicate a little better um they didn't show that particular clip but the first time she tried to talk to him about the pregnancy um you mentioned when we talking about um coming together and trying to talk about something to tell the man where you go and talk about tell them what we're going to talk about here today i want to have a conversation about children i want to have a conversation about school and now okay we can talk about at this point in time this blind side and that oh blindsided that woman i don't want to just sleep woman like deciding okay we need to talk now and then whole day your time before you go to work you're worried hold in what you're thinking [Laughter] when it comes to communications is a very serious thing and we learn basic communication of um skills in university and in pathfinders and stuff and always about um ensuring that the message was delivered and received and if it wasn't that if you could not have delivered that message in a way that the person could have received it then the communication was wrong on your end right as well recognizing how you could communicate better anarchism how you as a listener could pick up on stuff better as well yes just to piggyback on what you're talking about in terms of communication if you look at the the clip you would notice that there are certain things that are happening in terms of the communication pattern there is defensiveness there's criticism she's calling him selfish you're a little boy you know you want to enter your mommy disrespectful you know anger issues that that that little minute there was loaded with a lot of things that according to john gottman who is one of the leading researchers in marriage show that when these patterns of communication shows up in our relationship that relationship is actually on its way towards divorce so when there's criticism she called him selfish little boy um the pointing up of the finger yes the worst person she ever meets in life so when those things happen and those things show up in a relationship according to john gottman you have to be careful because those are indicators that the relationship is already headed down the drain or heading for trouble now it doesn't mean that it ends that way because we there are some steps um some of which i shared before that can correct those patterns but certainly addressing that situation in such um a way heightens the problem and pushes the relationship from stressful to distressful i was surprised that his response was that you know because the clip we saw before she was crying she was in tears and and he overheard i wish they had showed up but he was right outside the door right because he was listening to what she had to say and i thought that maybe just maybe he would be like this is a person that i so-called love and i was my wife and she's crying in the bathroom and what am i doing that she has to cry that should be a time to do some introspection but no he came all on the fence and you know i was shocked to see that happening because i was like what are you doing to me yeah because it's still obself absorbed yes yeah but the whole marriage was a tick on his checklist right so the umar is based on his achievements to begin with so if it's not going to plan then it's not me it was really you that messing it up there but when looking in looking at it you can see that elisha definitely just blows up and then rinnell has had enough so she's now blowing up as well and when we look at all of that we're looking at how it's how important is it to know your your the background of the family because clearly there is some issues going on with elijah and and what what would they do in the future for your husband and wife if they refuse to to introduce you to that family because you know there are probably some family members out there ask them about them and you know you would like to get to know the farm because there are some people who want to know their family so how important is to get to know that family background and and what do you do if that if your spouse just you know totally well it should happen before your three great spouse does not want you to meet the family let me let me hear the what they have to say the young people what they have to say i would say to a certain extent that you should be very open when it comes to your family and on a certain point in the relationship so when we on this track of march from here know that this is equal to something i say a life worth we can start to talk about the more intricate details of our family we're not spreading family gossip and trying to all family drama with each other that they could throw back on our face but it's more of a understanding of okay i really don't want you to meet this person from my family because so and so if it's just a committee and a story then we can we go ourselves to get defensive like why i can't meet this person right um but when we do meet their family at this point in time i think is a coming of the safe guard against but safeguard against the judge and the prejudice that we can't have when this person reveals such an intricate intimate part of their life that they have a hesitant to reveal before so we have to go in with our open mind um it's a very intriguing open mind and be understanding of whatever situation it is they come from i agree um it is also important to know family background because of health issues that you because marriage again children is always in play um and it will happen it can happen right unless you guys talk about not having children but if you're married is that is the the trend right that's the reality and it's important to even know okay are there any mental health illnesses sicknesses and i know that maybe my child in the future might have or might suffer with nursing are they going to you could prove against that but the next thing to remember before there's one thing i need to see how you react to when you're angry i have to see that if you're not angry at me but yeah there's a situation that got you upset i need to see how you react because i don't want to be shocking that i [Music] [Laughter] and even at the wedding this is one thing that always grind my gears i don't like it when i see the that we have this stereotype that mother-in-law's are disrespectful to the daughter there was a way they modern what kind of look at me like nobody good for my son there's always that type of that type of thing and that is when when you see the mother communicate with the daughter and stuff like that and even i even that you have to be careful because that could also kind of influence how you think about your wife because your mother might make a little talk in the ears and then you will be saying it or you will be unconsciously thinking about this um i think it really is to understanding the person you're getting married more i think what i'll look into their background into their family it could be to help understand this person understand who they are as a person so there's not more that you just want to know the person business and there's something all up in their family however but there's more to understand who are you who are yes i think it was soft and blue because we had this on another question and dealing with that cult your shock because you know the person may have grown up differently right so you see certain behaviors and you could be in shock how you deal with our culture shock but if you get to know from beforehand you understand yes then it wouldn't be so much of a culture shock for you when the person is now because we i think grinnell is now seeing that side of elijah when you're courting when you're dating is all flowers and you know that fairy tale you're not as and that doesn't mean when he gets angry i'm like you know he really have that but in his family that doesn't mean it's understood [Laughter] but when we when we realize that we have to we have to now try to go against the grid because there's a thing now about toxic you know i'm toxic i have my toxic traits and that's just me and not realizing that if you recognize that this is a bad behavior then maybe i should try to correct that that is something i have to work on and it's not you're not being excused because i know you have this issue here and that's not for me to fling back right but it's something that you have to work on and when you realize let me take a breath let me go on cooldown let me not just lash out right it can also help in breaking generational issues excuses that so you may you may be on a quest to end so so let's say for instance my in my family there's a problem with alcoholism but i purpose in my hand that it ends with me you know no my spouse knowing that background can therefore help me in breaking that pill so it's not knowing about the person's background and history and family and so on it is not to be used to judge that person or to even validate and and justify wrong behaviors it is it it should be used to break these generational kisses that may come up so it doesn't give you the right to be a judge over a person when you find out things you maybe probably don't like about their family or their background okay okay what what i would add to the conversation dialogue on this topic is that we have to remember what is the purpose what is happening here two lives are being meshed together and the more we understand each other we understand our background we'll be building road maps into each other psychologically and and so we be becoming known to the person and there are two things that are important two words are important when we're talking about understanding backgrounds and past and stuff is the word disclosure and the word secret all right so how much do we disclose how much do we share all right disclosure is a very important aspect and and also secrets the the more we have secrets the less that relationship is able to be built on trust and and be able to build on solid foundation secrecy blocks intimacy and so if you have someone who is who doesn't want to share their family background or that you have to wonder what is this person hiding why are they hiding you know and that always leaves a sort of a negative taste and so the two lives cannot become one because they are things that are blocking disclosure opens in a space of openness and honesty shares my life with you and it creates a road map into understanding who you are so that's what you you want to when you begin to build a life together of course the important question is how much do you disclose and etc etc but very very important that we understand where you're coming from and we can only be best understood in the context of our relationships you know my mother used to um say to me never date somebody who you cannot see interact with their parents how they interact how he's interacting with his mother it's how he will interact with you how he's interacting with his sister it's how we'll interact with you and don't think if he's treating his mother bad and treating his sister but he will treat you good he will treat you good for the few days for the first few months but then when when the you know the acts hit the road and say he will treat you how he custom treating his mother exactly so when you see them in the context of their family relation in their familial environment you can have a clue of how they would be later down the road sometimes quickly i just want to say sometimes before you say that i want to see his siblings his sisters always say i would marry somebody like roland that was a good hint so when your sisters want to marry you you know okay yeah sometimes the there's this non-disclosure because the partner wants to spear the other person of the truth right now i remember this movie a few good men um the jack nicholson is sitting there in the witness stand and you say i wouldn't tell you the truth because you can't handle the truth you know and so sometimes we we don't disclose because the truth is too much to handle and and the spouse probably wants to be so maybe elijah doesn't want to disclose his mother was abused as when he was a child and because he thinks his wife can't handle that maybe he can't handle it he can't handle that the truth is too much to handle you know so all of those nuances have to be considered when it comes to disclosure and talking and how much to say and how far back to go and so on but that's why pre-counseling will help so pre-counseling is always and lectures this point the counseling doesn't have to be the counselor doesn't have to be a paid professional it can be the mother the mother-in-law who you can sit with and and and point out where they went wrong so that the couple now can see things they need to avoid all right okay good let's move quickly along yeah yeah it's almost spent yes we're going to our final clip from another important appointment well elijah could carry me [Music] i can't argue like you to do something like that um it's not a problem i basically finished proposals yeah why not all right so let me see if i get transferred on the phone and i know that i'm sending you which is delta color kit all right [Music] oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry it's all right [Music] [Music] granada [Music] touch me elijah sorry to disturb you right go back by a woman brennell nothing is going on she was just helping my cleaner spit clean that's how it is cleaning like sure she was touching all up in your chest and all kind of thing jessila and i are just colleagues we work together and that's what at two o'clock in the morning right i got any bathroom to vomit because i'm pregnant with your child and seeing messages from giselle nice work we're just sending jokes to each other elijah i don't care i don't care i saw you just i don't know what's wrong with you you want to see my phone right now you are a grown man i'm not supposed to have to go through your phone you know what you was right these past six months have been miserable i can't do this anymore i don't know what to do with you anymore i can't i can't do it here ronald take it i don't want this i don't want you [Music] that is that is some sort of drama there we have we are seeing you on the chat we are seeing all your comments and those ideas that you are giving so we are seeing it don't worry you all are very engaging but as we look at this clip yes it makes you wonder now was elijah unfaithful would you say that he was unfaithful some would say no because nothing happened some would say yes he should he didn't really do anything yeah he's pushing it so what would you say elijah was unfaithful let me hear the young people [Laughter] okay so i would say i would have to say annoying i don't understand no well okay i'm asking myself so based on the exact word or if he was unfaithful the bible also uses that word for grounds of divorce and when in that context the word unfaithful is a sexual partner outside of your marriage right so was he unfaithful as in terms of crimes were divorced based on the bible no he wasn't but he did disrespect the marriage and i think he did um break some not rules but he did disrespect the his marriage she did disrespect his marriage i think okay okay you know i would say yes right because we always like to say that um cheating is the sexual act right but it's also that emotional connection you know seeking when you have someone there you're going outside to just interact with someone on a level that you can't you don't want to go to your wife or your spouse right about now because i don't mind if you have to tell a joke two in the morning pushing it and one thing though i would never react like that when the woman is there i would come i'll say thanks to clean any chess but let me just borrow him first i could take over now i i cannot even go and make her see you because she stole him off i couldn't leave him to go with him everything you are seeing is you know what because in that moment there when you have an opening that you know he go on feel sorry about it don't make a scene because now he could come back and say well look how you make destiny i know you only wrong wait until he know that situation bad because she didn't react when i reached them now because nobody there i think it was on him i would say yes he wasn't faithful it was on him to ward off any right any any untoward kind of advances it was on him right and he did not put her in her place right he did not tell her look i could clean it myself he and he must know that this young lady was coming on to him he must have known although some people tell me we men we play we don't know oblivion to set up the boundaries and maintain those boundaries i would say that he was on the right track to be unfaithful um he was a great trajectory so his body i wasn't finished sorry everybody his body language was telling her come but his voice was probably saying no you know so he was he was actually why i put up so slow responding to her advances you know something she was drying and she's drying media could be and sometimes we have suggestions like this in mainstream media and uh memes and and so on that how we respond to certain things but i still maintain he should have been the one to ward off any advances in in a relationship i expect my wife i can't go to every man and say stay away from my wife i expect my wife to say to every man stay away from me correct me so that is the kind of setup you should have he the wife don't have to go and warn giselle stay away from her man and you know she he she he has to see true stay away from me yeah yeah yeah don't touch me yeah because he's supposed to be guarding that don't you don't invite it in and and i'm seeing on the chat they're saying you know two o'clock in the morning after 10 you should not even be messaged exactly absolutely you need to set up your boundaries you need to have your boundaries and and and we're looking at that and she would have stormed out and she said give him back the ring i don't want you mm-hmm and the question comes when is giving up on our marriage too soon or too late okay so can i i just add my voice to that little dialogue there about um unfaithfulness you know any time you give anyone anything that belongs to to your marriage you're being unfaithful the bible says that if you give someone a look you commit adultery so if you're giving someone your laughter you're giving someone your time you're giving someone your energy you're going to have you are being unfaithful because this is where you are where you belong and when you step out of that you are triangulating the marriage you can you can be unfaithful with your job you're giving all of your time and all of your energy to your work time that belongs to your family time belong to your husband you you can be unfaithful with with um and and i like with your hobbies you understand whenever you give something you are defrauding your marriage and so we have to think about that very seriously and so at 2 am in the morning what was happening rene was in her bed they were not speaking to each other so the problem again is is the the piling up of the issues and the non-um [Music] the non-resolution of issues do not go to bed angry that is the reason so she was sleeping facing this way and he's on the couch texting somebody because they're not giving what was required in the marriage wow you see how it happens so the space was created and virtually uh what is the girl's name in the in the gisele virtually she was delilah jessie bell jesse bell no she was delilah samson was lying dung in her in her lap and she was stroking his head at 2 am in the morning because giselle giselle was was ready and available but reynald was angry and her face was turned to the wall she created this space for somebody to step in i'm not blaming i'm just explaining that's why the bible principles are so important we have to do the hard work right and cr and and so to ensure that there's nothing between us so that nobody and nothing could step in a jealousy quickly touch on jealousy jealousy is not just in the realm of a jilted lover or a woman scorned or anything it is also in the realm of of gods in our spiritual lives god himself says i god i'm a jealous god i want to have a relationship with you only and no one else when i see you flirting with sin i get jealous and i want i i want to be the own i want to be the apple of your eye and so i understands rene i understand reynell's response of becoming so angry and and in a fit of jealousy you know because it should be that in the marriage and the marriage union is it is one of those classic it represents god's relationship with the church and so god takes it very seriously when we step outside of that union when we step outside of silving him alone and he takes it very seriously he expresses how jealous he becomes and so that that kind of response when there's a suggestion of unfaithfulness it's understandable i can understand and that's why i'm warning the men it is up to you to ward it off right because some women can't handle all of this and they come but you have to still look step yes and so so going to that question when is giving up on a marriage too soon or too late um it is never we should never give up on our marriages you know and again i i always try to put in the claviate here that um we're not talking about abuse you know that's a different discussion but i'm talking about in relationships where you have arguments where you have ups and downs where there's tension where there's conflict there is always a way out in fact there's always a way up there's a way up and out of it and we have you have to do everything expend all your energy in fact it is similar to what jesus did on the cross he died so that he can save the church sometimes you have to die and when i mean die i don't mean physically i mean you have to shed everything you have to lay down your life for this relationship what is it that i have to give up so that we can make it and and that to me is where the we know where it is as you are at that point as you're at that point in terms of okay you're saying going up and working on that relationship if you're in a relationship for 10 years we are talking about a young couple right now but if you're in a relationship for 10 years and this person doesn't want or one person doesn't want to get that counseling or they think you know i could enough we can fix it on our own that kind of thing what would you say someone should do how do you get that person now to actually decide okay we need counseling we're going to work on that the advice is usually if you can't get the couple to go then the person who sees the need for change should go okay because then you would be better having that support you're better able to face the situations in the marriage you would have support for the issues that you're facing and with that support with the understanding you get you may be able to make a one person can make a difference really and truth and in fact sometimes we are facing situations where the other person would not change but if you change according to systems theory one person can make a change so when you respond differently maybe that person would respond differently and so you may learn skills in the counseling room that would benefit you and eventually would benefit the marriage yeah i just wanted to touch on one thing you said about fighting and basically dying for the marriage um i think a lot of times nowadays with the with the uprising divorces the significance of what marriage actually is kind of loses its significance this is not just you know two people end up living together no you know who could have a child could have sex but it is a covenant that you have made be between you and before god so it's a very very important thing and this is a a covenant with uh you know that we should i would not use plenty times any bibles only for specific instances where between him and children of israel they had a covenant and these are stuff that are not broken yeah you know so god only gave one out really right for a marriage and anything other than that it's not really grounds to break this special covenant that you have made before god and it's painful uh because we do have i mean there are persons who are looking who who may have gone through a divorce you know and it is a painful thing it's a painful situation and you can't pinpoint who was right who was wrong you just have to accept where you are now and know that with god you can make a change with god you can gain self-acceptance with god you can be better for the next time around you know it is what it is you know but if you are in it and if you are facing a marriage with conflict i would say don't even consider divorce in fact uh um if you understand how painful the divorce processes you would work twice as hard to make the change in the marriage as opposed to thinking that divorce is the easy way out divorcing is actually harder than staying in a marriage and working itself the devil attacks marriage yes you get the temptations individual but the home that's the biggest thing that we want to go after that marriage between man and woman and just making sure that your relationship is solid because once you have a happy home and you have a child that child is a different person and somebody who has a traumatic experience and then they would now go out and they're a good a good person because their parents trained them right and you now have a upstanding citizen especially if you're in a church you know and attacking your family is the simple but biggest breakdown that you could have in a society can you look at with boys who don't have a father figure and all those things it's always the home so we have to really be careful too that when you're married to someone that you're getting irritated or annoyed and there's just anger you have to realize this is what the devil wants i know it's like a cliche thing or it's hard to say well you you sometimes you don't even want to think about it but they really have to remind yourself that this is exactly what the devil wants and we're not going to give him that pleasure that gratification that he's he's getting along with his plan okay great so understand and then the fight may not be between both of you exactly there's a different fight going on and you face it good wow wow so our time has definitely been spent and i can see from the chat that are very much engaged and involved but we cannot continue this conversation any longer we have to bring it to a close i hope that you did get a lot a lot of good information this afternoon and we want to thank the sea leaves for being here with us this afternoon but before we leave one thing i want you to leave with our audience could you give just one piece of advice each of you to couples whether young or older couples who may be facing this deterioration in their marriage one piece of advice you would give them on how to mend it um based on everything we have spoken about today in this program any programs then up to this one um i would say communication communication is a serious um when i can help in the comfort that you have and in your home no matter it might be big on communication might be something like a very small thing to you at right now during this conflict but really talk to someone talk to someone outside of your marriage to help with that communication because it really helped to ask god to give you these strengths the right words when you have a problem and to ask god to show you how to love someone even when you really don't want to talk to them right now i think that's a big thing a piece of advice because they're situations where it's hard to even say i love you or you might remember that you love this person um and you have to look at that's how god is with us their situations that we do that if we if we had to judge ourselves like god died on the cross with somebody who was so ungrateful you know so you have to remind yourself that this strength is not a you thing you have to ask god for your strength for everything in your marriage my advice would be um you don't you don't write an exam to feel you don't run away a race to lose so you don't get married to divorce you don't get married fit to end you get married to stay in it you know and so that is grounds enough to to work hard at it you know it's it's obvious that as we said this morning pressures will come problems will come challenges will come but the maturity has to be there where you see this is my decision to work at it so work at it find all the help you can read books you google it look at youtube videos because we do that for everything else yes you know we want to see how to build a chicken coop we google it and we see it on youtube and we follow it why you can't follow this bit of advice here and hear this afterwards how hard is that you know so stay at it run the race to win it write the exam to pass amen so i agree with everything that was said and i want to just repeat what was said this morning as we came down to the end of the presentation that really through the power of the holy spirit cultivate a be attitude attitude in your marriage you know so look at those be attitude and see how can i fulfill these in my marriage how can i have that attitude in my marriage and i'm telling you it is something that can save your marriage paris um i would say i would agree that communication is key and not just communicating in terms of you want to answer the person or you need to defend yourself when you're communicating think okay i'm communicating and we are going to solve this problem we are going to help each other you're not communicating to to get back at the person or to to true blame so that is what i would say communication the right type of communication is key yes yes so there you have it communicate communicate communicate but put more so foremost make sure that god is the center and the first and person that you go to in your marriage yes individually and together grow in christ together and he will definitely guide your marriage where you need to be and speak to each other in love amen whatever you do do it with love that same love you feel those butterflies you feel when you know get together think about that person that we all the time even if they get you mad do everything in love husbands love your wife like god love the church why submit them to your husband both of you submit to each other and love each other as he said the devil wants to tear down families but we are here to build them amen this is god's purpose we want to thank all of you so much for joining us here as the conversation continued this afternoon we know that you were blessed we're seeing your um comments i know that you don't want it to end but we have been spent but you can always go back and look at it over again take down your notes look at it look at this morning's program look at the last six weeks it's on our youtube channel and you can see all of it so subscribe make sure and like let everybody all over the world have the opportunity that you had this afternoon to get this information so that they can save their marriages so we can tell the devil that he can go straight where he needs to be and we stand for what god wants for us and that is long-lasting marriages and family we thank all of you for joining us we hope that you are blessed join us again next week as unfortunately our series concludes we have the finale next week come and see what happens with rennell and elijah we want to close we want to thank again to see elise for joining us it's our pleasure it was a pleasure well you did say if you did it if you didn't good once you get invited twice and then twice right and i was so happy to have my children here and to hear them view you know um they weren't prepped and i was really proud of you proud yes i was very happy so thank you for having me all right let's pray please eternal and gracious father in heaven o lord we thank you so much for your son jesus we thank you so much that your plan is for families and marriages and you are here to bless and you're still here for families and your purpose is to bless and build families oh god we pray that you continue to be in each family bless them guide them hope that this program will touch their lives hope that they would see the need to fight no matter what is taking place in their marriage that they will fight for their marriage and they will grow together and they will respect each other and they would love each other and for those who are doing well in their marriages that they would seek to give others advice and be good examples for their children bless the silly family in an extra special way as their ministry helps to bless others and help to grow other families help us all to do your will and bring and do everything to the honor and glory of god may your will be done in our lives we thank you for the sabbath day and we pray that you keep us safe and guide us all home in jesus name we pray amen have an awesome week god bless you all [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Five Rivers Seventh-day Adventist Church

Views: 3,638

Rating: 4.9069767 out of 5

Keywords: SDA Live Stream Service, Seventh-day Adventist Church Live Stream Service, FIVE RIVERS SDA, FAMILY LIFE 2021, A FRESH START, DRAMA SERIES, ROLAND AND RACHEL SEALY

Id: hvAwdp8MV58

Length: 128min 50sec (7730 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 18 2021