Family Guy Quagmire Goes On Tinder!

[Music] I gotta say some days I wish I didn't have a sister what nothing no white thought you asked me what was going on with my sister I did not Hey look Tom Tucker good evening I'm Tom Tucker coming up tonight's second story but first Quahog says goodbye to an old friend that's right Tom medieval castle which has been a staple of family entertainment and dining is closing its doors the restaurant has gone into foreclosure and will be up for auction tomorrow yes hard to believe a place where you eat with your hands next to piles of horse dung while untrained theater students fight with real swords could be drowning in lawsuits maybe evil castle I love that place my sister almost got a job there once guys we should go to that auction tomorrow and buy it I mean can you imagine if we had our own medieval castle I better be even more fun than when I went to White Castle huh names a little deceiving what's wrong with you it's my back it's killing me yeah I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again no this time it's not a bit I'm really hurt I must have jacked it up playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyonce well if you're in that much pain I better tell Lois look please don't then she'll drive me to the doctor and I hate being in the car with her baby don't say a word okay I guess that's not my part here it is guys this is gonna be awesome we just gotta win this auction and then we'll have our own castle oh yeah over my dead tooth good afternoon and welcome to today's auction i'm al harrington of al harrington's wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube-man warehouse in emporium due to the presence of black mold discarded half-eaten turkey legs and an undulating Rat King that no one dares approach I have been advised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible do I hear an opening bid anyone do I hear an opening bid for this majestic fiberglass Castle facade masking what was once a Midas muffler shop two bits two bits that's 25 cents in the Old West we have 25 cents do I hear higher than 25 cents this paper bag which could be full of money or my sharks you take the chance we have an intriguing mystery bag do I hear more than the mystery bag two bits and a cardboard box which may or may not contain a mystery bag already the most challenging auction I have ever been a part of do I hear a higher bid from that James Bond villain over there 50 kroner which converted to American currency is seven dollars and 40 cents do I hear a much higher bid followed by shocked murmuring $10,000 oh we can't afford that either do something I can't there's only $9,000 in the mystery bag due to my 12noon court appointment as part of a crippling child custody battle with my horrific ex-wife I am saying going once going twice and awarding this condemned building to yo we lost and I guess the castle was a crazy idea anyway I should probably just invest this money in a 401k and how long before I can take this out [Music] man those losers don't deserve that castle I would call my sister about this if she were able to answer the phone poor thing poor poor thing well you know in castle times if you wanted something you just took it what are you talking about I'm saying the four of us should storm that castle and take it for ourselves should we do it with careful planning or have another couple beers and then just go for it well let's make that decision after another couple beers I checked with my mom and she said it was cool with her if we wanted to sleep here tonight I'm pretty sure I can come in I'm gonna have to go home and get my pillow yes you heard me right cancel my insurance I've been in this location for 40 years and never once [Music] [Music] broken a lamp good day sir god I hope he's got insurance of course he's got insurance he's been at this location for 40 years yes you heard me right cancel my husband's life-insurance he's been in perfect health for 40 years we're selling the lamp store and going to travel we need this after losing both our children good day sir [Music] alright Plan B we'll shoot flaming arrows like in Robin Hood so should I be aiming for an open window or just talking it over the wall I don't know I've never seen the movie just a Bryan Adams video Oh such a good song archers yeah oh yeah he's that guy - prepare to fire [Music] I wonder what they're gonna put here Trader Joe's oh I would love a Trader Joe's sorry to keep you I was reading this highlights magazine in the waiting room do you see any differences between these two pictures oh the pie has a wedge removed yes yes dr. Hartman were you able to tell anything from Stewie's x-rays oh yeah little guys got scoliosis oh my god oh no am I gonna be a big shoe small shoe guy but don't worry he'll be fine he just needs to wear this brace for a while to correct it oh dear now does he have any school pictures coming up yeah he actually does well then this will not be a refrigerator door year [Music] all right it says if we don't get arrested for the next six months the arson and mayhem charges will be dropped hey sorry again you guys I know I'm done no hard feelings fellas I've already forgotten about it I'm too busy thinking about my hot date tonight Yeah right hot date with your left hand or your right hand well actually I use both and do like an Indian burn but that's not what this is tonight I'm getting lucky hi are you Mort why yes I am the hell was that mort's getting laid yeah thanks to tinder he's had a different girl every night this week what's tinder it's an app for your phone where two strangers can hook up for a dirty liaison well like hookers now just two horny people with phones well I don't get it so you hit him on the head with your phone and knock him out no you just swipe someone's picture they come over and you plow them wow I gotta try this I mean easy sex on the Internet did you know about this Scott Baio uh yeah and you Scott Caan did you also know about easy sex on the Internet yes and how about you douchebag music producer Scott Storch quagmire all the Scott's know about it [Music] okay let's get me set up on this tinder thing I can't wait to start getting laid at the push of a button well first you got to set up your profile oh yeah I've been working on that I wrote several long paragraphs describing my interests some pet peeves choice of wine couple of inspirational quotes things I've learned from my cats no no none of that you want a naked bathroom selfie covering your stuff with a fistful of hundred-dollar bills that shows you like sex and you got money well that seems a bit crude oh she's cute and wearing a yin-yang necklace that's interesting wonder what Beach that is oh no no give me that hey you see this you see what I'm doing not even looking I'm swiping yes yes yes yes casting a wide net look at this you already got a hit and she sent a message she did what am I looking at here it's mostly small colorful pictures those are emojis Radim okay it says hey and then a kissy face and then like a saucy smirking face three balloons and a locomotive the hell is all this hey maybe she likes you send something back okay dearest Teresa I hope this finds you well I so appreciated your last communication don't stop stop God stop stop just send her an eggplant and the erupting volcano [Music] all right take a gander gawk at the Elephant Man let's get it all out there's our brave guy brave and just for being such a trooper I thought maybe you could be the first in line for snack today really hot pretzel day and after that you can hold the bunny yeah I'll pass on that but the pretzel thing sounds up my alley now if I could [Music] find someone to wear this hero hat oh I think I found him well I say that was a pleasant surprise you know like when a woman in a Porsche Cayenne isn't a complete [ __ ] huh well I did not expect that I wasn't telling you to go I was trying to smell my own fart hi are you Courtney from tinder you must be Glenn I got you these a lovely bouquet for a lovely yeah take off your pants and sit on the coffee table okay that was great and we could still make our reservation what why we already had sex wait so I don't have to make small talk with you or spend any money of course not here wipe yourself off with this West Ellen catalog god this app is amazing thank you cellphone Jesus huh oh yeah fine [Music] [Music] how's it going with a back brace people giving you a hard time quite the contrary Brian apparently people love the wretched thanks to this thing I was offered seats directly behind home plate at Fenway I passed Wow that patient next door is fat that wasn't me that was mrs. Griffin so I've got Stewie's results here it appears the back brace has corrected the spine very nicely that's wonderful still he doesn't have to wear the brace anymore what no I can't give this thing up what do you mean you you want to keep wearing the brace of course I do it's the best thing that's ever happened to me when I wear this bracelet like the Queen of England sure I have the most money in the world right yes your majesty great can you make sure my hair looks like anyone in a nursing home [Music] all right hitting the links joke golf shorts may not be the right look for you it's gonna be a nice day not for us if you wear those well that seems a little hurtful hey where's quagmire are two times in 20 minutes I don't know I haven't seen much of him since he discovered tinder tinder quagmire come on it's time for golf I swiped no on golf smells kind of gamy in here swipe yes on Betsy swipe yes on Jennifer swipe yes on Andrea swipe yes on all the lady faces swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe swipe what's sure let's get a little light in here I'm buddy ah the yellow face it burns my tinder oh my god he's lost it that apps turned quagmire and there's some kind of sex cool the way he's crouching there's a test a peeking out hey listen quagmire you're our friend all right we hate to see you like this I don't have any friends only sex people from the phone you've got to stop this it looks like you haven't left this room in weeks no need to leave they all come here sometimes they bring burgers and cheese hey come on quagmire let's go for old [Music] [Applause] [Music] huh get some fresh air oh for God's sake you're gonna have a baby in your butt man can't leave Heather within 5 miles is coming are you Glen within 5 miles I can take my glass eye out if you want to try something different I got a good feeling about her maybe she's the one let's do it in the garage it's kind of cold but we can do sweaters on pants off look you left this phone I'm just gonna nudge it with my knee into this empty pizza box and it's stuck to my knee let's see let's just go all right we gotta just throw that phone away and end this once and for all yeah no kiddin Quagmire's in bad shape he looks worse than I did after that day at the beach I spanked somebody else's kid sorry I was late you're still wearing that back brace that can't be good for you dr. Hartman said you were done with that thing I'm not gonna listen to that bozo of course I'm still wearing it watch me jump this line excuse me I have scoliosis excuse me scoliosis is coming through hey pal polio a Thousand apologies it's fine it's wife its wife come on I'm not getting any matches all right quagmire we gotta talk this whole figs out of control quagmire you got to get off tinder yeah there's plenty of nice women out in the real world to meet the old-fashioned way and on top of that tinder makes you gross there was a time when you'd be more selective when you were horny and feeling your rectum now once wife and this thousands - phone all from a sex app you use on your phone that's the tinder a lot of sad lonely girls who want babies 300-pounders infested with scabies leather gimps who do nothing but mold these are the widows you'll find on your phone you know a surprising number of them live near the airport of blisters and itching and genital warts does tinder makes you so gross and for kids it's kind of tragic sex for them has lost its magic bang in every Tom and Dick and Jack and Jill and Joan and this also might surprise you all your married friends despise you cuz we're not allowed to have an orgy through our phone a filthy degenerate seeking a thrill your spirits and genitals run through the mill with plenty of holes and prescriptions to fill [Music] [Applause] you guys can just forget it I'm not quitting tinder guys I've been to the doctor's I do have a baby in my butt [Music] hmm you're still here did we what the deuce yes is it possible to get Showtime for free for the next like two hours to see if I like it oh my god Stewie it's gotta be from wearing that damn brace all the time your neck must have atrophied so much it can no longer support your head you've got to take me to the hospital absolutely let me just watch Jennifer's body and we'll go right there Brian there's no nudity in that movie take me to the hospital what so it's rated R for curses god this country is it is it noticeable no nothing that can't be fixed with a string of chili pepper Christmas lights I will that brace for the next five years of my life the kids stopped cheering the second day then it was just get off the swing-u Christmas turd I'll have another one you sure you haven't had too many just give me a drink sir is everything all right I'm fine I'm fine oh oh hey are you on tinder what that gross dating thing no look I'm not trying to pick you up it just seemed like you were upset about something and I know when I'm upset it's nice to let someone else in giggity what did you just say I I don't know I think I said I said giggity okay oh come on quagmire this is a real girl right in front of you just pick her up and take her home you don't need your phone don't listen to him I'm all you need are you really gonna listen to a phone over me god I don't know why I do this anymore don't give up Minnie at your quagmire this is exactly why you got into the over-the-shoulder advice business ignoring minnie at you quagmire give up on your attempt to convince real quagmire to not use tinder and to instead have sex with this woman is right in front of him wait what's going on I'm just saying you used to have skills that no one else had that took you years to hone you were an artist ah damn I think I was too wordy I'm still an artist what was that I was just saying I am upset about something I thought you were do you want to talk about it I do I buried my twin brother today we were very close we used to finish each other's sentences oh oh I just got chills I'm Sandra I'm Glenn you know I just I just feel like my penis shouldn't be alone tonight Oh rad well looks like Quagmire's back yep he's coming it up in the real world again and all it took was for us to hire that $200 dirty prostitute to pretend to be a nice lady in a bar I'm just glad she's a prostitute and not that lady murderer that's been all over the news hi I'm that prostitute you guys hired to seduce your friend oh boy well deal's off he's dead but perhaps we can make other arrangements hey do you think I could try to kick one no your all time Galli

Channel: Reynaldo Gonzalez

Views: 282,066

Rating: 4.7271571 out of 5

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Id: jhXLOvyxt6g

Length: 22min 42sec (1362 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 17 2020