I feel like an explorer, just like
my ancestor, Ponce de León Griffin. There it is, boys, the Fountain of Youth,
just like I told you. Well that was worth the eight-year boat ride. We haven't had a celebrity in the family since
my great-aunt Queen of Burlesque Griffin. Cheesy jokes and ugly broads, way back when they had no porn. Just scarves, fans, fat, gross, a terrible time for your penis to live in. What are you talking about? I'm a born leader! Like my great-great-uncle, Ulysses S. Griffin. Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Yeah! Woo! How's that, Robert E. Lee? Alright, no more slaves. But we still don't have to read books. Deal. Yeah! Woo! Y'know, my great-great-great-uncle
Angus Griffin invented the game. So we're all clear on the rules then? No Jews and no blacks. Aye! From now I'm gonna be right where the action is,
like my uncle, The-Guy-In-The-White-Hat Griffin. There's been a lot of famous Griffins,
like my great-aunt Ella Fitzgerald Griffin. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, uhh, I'd like to
introduce my accompanist for the evening. Please say hello to young Ray Charles. Doo-ba-da-ba-dee-ba-da-ba, doodly-bop-ba-da-ba,
dab-dab-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-bea, ba-ba-dee-da, dee-da-da, deeee! Ahhhh! I'm blind! The Griffin men have always been winners, dating back
to my diminutive great-grandfather, Juárez Griffin. Boating's in my blood, ever since my great-grandfather,
Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi. What did you just call me?! I... I thought that was your name. That is our word, you've got no right using it! Hey, hey, hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem. Could, could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim? Thank you. A lot of people live in weird places,
like my cousin, Jaycee Dugard Griffin. Grandpa-daddy-husband, my belly hurts again. This country needs more immigrants like
my cousin, Peter the Pig, needs a new house. Uhh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. What? I said, "I wouldn't do that." I said knock it off! Why? Because I just made stool in there, and if you
blow it down, the whole woods is gonna stink. D'you understand? D'you understand me, sir? Can't build a pool on my own land... And after my grandfather helped create one of
this country's most beloved cartoon characters. Okay, we've narrowed it down to two possible names. Uhh, all in favor of "Bugs Bunny"? And all in favor of "Ephraim the Retarded Rabbit"? Oh, you can all go to hell! Hey, look, here's a picture of your
great-great-granddad, Osias Griffin. He owned one of the first dozen telephones. Hello? Hello, Jonathan? No, what number are you calling? 7. Well this is 3. Oh, sorry. You gotta stand up for yourself. Like my great-grandfather,
Turn-Of-The-Century-Take-On-All-Comers Griffin. Alright, put 'em up, put 'em up! Are you having a bully day? I'm having a bully day.
Is everyone having a bully day? Bully! Bully! Yes, bully! Oh, thank God we live in this time. My great-grandfather's name was, was,
"Cheap Grand Cherokee". Uhh, I mean "Chief Grand Cherokee". He was a rainmaker. Hey-yah-hey-yah-hey-yah-hey-yah-hey-yah-hey... l'm so happy doing the neutron dance... Hey-yah-hey-yah-hey-yah... l'm just burning doing the neutron dance... I'm gonna go down in history, like my great-great-grandfather,
John Wilkes Photo-Booth Griffin. You're not fat, Chris, you just come
from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great-great-great-uncle, Jabba the Griffin. Raza naba do-ah gola Wookiee nipple pinchy! I'm not stopping 'til I look as good as my
great-aunt, Legs-Go-All-The-Way-Up Griffin. Hey baby, do those legs go all the way up? Why, yes, they do! Ahhh! Oh my God, you're a monster! Come back! I'll let you do me in the back of the head! His great-grandpa was Thomas Griffin,
a great philosopher. Thomas, would you please go look for a job? Why? I'm never gonna be remembered for anything. Not like my great-great-uncles, the Siamese twins
who fought each other in the Civil War. I'm seceding! Like hell you are! Not too smart, huh? Yeah, did not think that one through. This is pure exploitation. No it's not, those films my cousin Rufus
used to do were pure exploitation. From the cats who brought you 'Caddyblack', 'Blackdraft' and 'Black Kramer v. Kramer', comes a funky flick so bad
you gonna say, "damn, that's funky." Oh, you out of time, baby! Damn! Rufus Griffin stars in... 'Black to the Future'.
