Expose Narcissist’s Secret Speech

hello kiddos and cadets my name is sam vaknin i'm your favorite author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology and today we have a very interesting topic narcissist of all stripes overt narcissists covert narcissists somatics and cerebrals narcissists who are passive aggressive the narcissists were not all nazis they use code they use a cipher what you see what you hear is not what you get and today i'm going to teach you to decipher the code to decode the narcissist speech act to understand that he is not trying actually to communicate he is trying to conceal in the various multivarious techniques that he uses in his attempt to manipulate you via this concealment it's very pernicious it's very insidious it's very subterranean it's invisible to all other people and when you try to communicate this to others family members friends your lawyer your they think something's wrong with you because they can't see it for the life of them there's the text and there's the hidden text i've made another video on the difference between the difference between manifest text the difference between the master text and the difference between the hidden text when the narcissist communicates with you he is sending you a manifest text but underneath it there's always an occult arcane coded message encrypted and only you have the key you and the narcissist and nobody else so this is today's topic but before we go there something critical it seems because it bothers a lot of you why do i keep saying love bombing when i should say love bombing the correct pronunciation is of course love bombing not love bombing well the reason is my thick accent thick accent is a serious curse narcissism is a serious curse and i have both you can imagine where i am so at the beginning in my earlier videos i try to use the correct pronunciation i used to say love bombing and people kept asking me love bombing love booming love beaming i understood that something's wrong so i decided to mispronounce the word just to be in order to be understood and so now i'm saying love bombing to leave no place for doubt apologies for my accent i am not responsible for it you know okay i would like to read to you two quotes two comments posted on on one of my videos and then we proceed to the topic sunny days had uh written the following this is a quote at the beginning of the movie american psycho based on the book by brett easton ellis and so at the very beginning of the movie patrick bateman the psycho in the movie says the following there is an idea of a patrick bateman some kind of abstraction but there is no real me nor real me only an entity something illusory and though i can hide by cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel the flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable i simply am not there great quote about the inner empty schizoid core of narcissists and psychopaths m wars w-a-r-z whoever she is had written a wonderful encapsulation of the borderline condition here's what she had written here's what you wrote i have bpd borderline personality disorder and you explain this very well when i go into psychopathy i ignore people and plot into future revenge and am comfortable being alone for months when i'm grandiose i switch into narcissism tendencies i feel empty no emotions left of my own i can't be alone i need validation to breathe i'm not good with any sexual rejection i go into vpd rage my narcissism will not allow rejection when i go into my fragile bpd self i'm like a burn victim filled to the top with empathy and when it's not returned i go back to psychopathic tendencies then histrionic for attention and then back to narcissism because i can't accept that i'm simply not the best you may not be the best but this is the best description of bpd i've ever come across honestly now these are the self states of bpd you realize i encourage you to watch the videos on my channel regarding the various soft states in borderline personality disorder and now to the topic of today's video not a minute too too early and it is speech when the narcissist communicates with you there is what i call an envelope message a manifest text an overt text and a hidden occult coded message it's always two messages always to the envelope message and the hidden message it's exactly like a virus the virus is an envelope and within the envelope there is the rna there is the genetic material the genetic material is the coded message the virus needs a live cell to translate the coded message into new viruses new proteins and the envelope carries the coded message into the live cell in a way deceiving the live cell so the envelope of the narcissist message is always reasonable always flexible always compromising always socially acceptable always common sensible the narcissist envelope message is something any reasonable rational person would write some somebody with impulse control mature adult responsible reliable this is the envelope message it conveys this image of the analysis the appearance of the analysis it's an external facade but deep inside the envelope message there is the viral genetic material there is the hidden occult coded message which triggers you pushes your buttons and the coded message is based on your shared past experiences with the narcissist on previous speech acts it's like a train of train of thought or train of speech the message seems to be standalone seems to be self-sufficient but actually the message is intimately connected to previous messages previous exchanges previous fights previous arguments previous disagreements previous gas lighting and previous manipulation so the message is intended to push your buttons in order to manipulate and it is based on information that only you and the narcissist share no one else this is privileged access information these are experiences you've had together when you are alone these are things he had told you and things you had told him that no one has ever become privy to so the hidden message uses several leverages deploys several techniques and let's review them one by one the first technique is counter factuality or non-facticity in other words the hidden message assumes that you had agreed on something that you had never agreed upon the hidden message pretends that you have a compact that you have a contract that you have decided on a course of action that you have concluded something that there is a decision already made that there is a choice already adopted but none of it is true it's counterfactual it's against the fact the hidden message implies that the big picture is totally agreed upon now let's go to the details and that is of course an element of shared fantasy or shared psychosis so counter factuality is the first technique the second technique is the victim stance the victim language the narcissist always always pretends to be the victim he's actually not pretending he truly believes that he had been victimized victimhood provides him with moral justification for his misdeeds and he's got misconduct on the one hand and with social approbation and support on the other hand victimhood in other words is useful and so he maintains the victim stance and language well into his hidden messages and never mind what you say and never mind what you do and never mind how you behave you will always be cast you will always be described as the abuser the abuser is your role in the hidden message and the narcissist insists ferociously vehemently on his victimhood position he is a victim and you will not deny him his victimhood it's his comfort zone and he uses projective identification projective identification is when the hidden message message pushes you manipulates you into abusing the narcissist elicits from you an abusive reaction the narcissist forces you to become an abuser because when you're an abuser he's a victim when you're the villain he has the moral moral upper hand so he needs you to be the abuser he needs you to be the villain he needs you to act narcissistically and psychopathically and indeed most victims of complex trauma develop narcissistic psychopathic and borderline traits and behaviors and these are reactive to the narcissist constant messaging constant signaling i'm a victim you're an abuser i'm a victim you're an abuser it's brainwashing the third technique is projection because the narcissist victimhood is imagined it's confabulated the narcissist has to project his own traits and misbehaviors onto you the narcissist as a victim needs to feel that he is pure unadulterated innocent honest good upright sanctimonious self-righteous is the way to describe it he is falsely modest if he is covert so the narcissist he has pseudo pseudo-humility so the narcissist needs to believe that you are the opposite of all these things and what he does he takes the traits and the behaviors that do not sit well with his state of victimhood and he projects them onto you and this encourages in you a feeling of ego destiny you absorb these emanations this miasma these vapors from the narcissist this process is called entraining the narcissist entrains you to become an abuser to become a villainous villainous character in his movie or in his theatre production and you adopt the role this process is called emergent roles within family family system this is the clinical term so you adopt the emergent role you do become abusive provocative malicious malevolent impulse impulsive reckless defiant consumacious hateful you become everything the narcissist wants you to become and you become and then you feel ashamed and you feel guilty the narcissist guilt trips you sourcing your mind the seeds of self-doubt maybe he is right maybe i am the abuser maybe i am the narcissist and the narcissist accomplishes this incredible feat of reversal of rolls via his hidden messages these hidden messages contain the projection and then there is gas lighting via equivocation the narcissist never commits never says yes or no he says maybe or really or if you say so or i could have agreed you know it's always equivocal it's always ambiguous it's always in the air it's always a maybe and in this way he challenges your reality testing he makes you feel that you're crazy that you're not grasping what's happening correctly he rewrites history and he rewrites your mind in the process the hidden messages are usually very hostile the more appropriate proper formal the messages the more hostile it is this is passive aggression passive aggression masquerades as civility and good manners and formality while underneath the surface there is enmity hostility hatred in the wish to destroy the recipient the frustrating object so there's a lot of hostility and you pick up on it your senses your seismic senses via empathy pick up on this hostility and it destabilizes you because being hated is an abnormal state and you you kind of ask yourself why am i hated is it justified in some way and it unsettles you this balances you ruins your equilibrium and homeostasis and your view of the world is essentially benign benign place with good people the next technique is manipulativeness manipulativeness and coercion via provocation the narcissist provokes you exactly into acting the way he wants you to act the narcissist is a puppet master and his hidden messages convert you into a marionette into a puppet the narcissist for example ignores your input or your requests as though you had never spoken he renders you invisible and transparent mini-break and feeling invisible and transparent is the worst fear in the human mind to not be seen is the most rudimentary primordial and first terror in the baby's mind the baby needs to be seen by his mother just in order to survive babies who are not seen are not fed babies who are not fed die to be seen is a survival strategy the narcissist by ignoring things you say by ignoring your requests your wishes your preferences your priorities your emotions cognitions by rendering you invisible by not seeing you as a strategy threatens your survival at least your mental survival the narcissist also malingers procrastinates delays postpones endlessly wears you down this is passive aggression it's another technique borrowed from passive aggression he promises and he promises to promise and then he promises that his promises to promise were real promises and he is going to promise to promise you and then he promises you and it never happens nothing ever transpires nothing reaches conclusion or closure or result or outcome or anything it's like waiting wading through swamp it's like you're swimming in jam it's never it's it's sooner or later it becomes quicksand and you drown in it inexorably pulled down by his constant procrastination some narcissists procrastinate because they're perfectionists they insist on a perfect outcome and but the majority of narcissists procrastinate in order to frustrate you their procrastination is actually a transformation of aggression the same thing with forgetfulness narcissists forget they forget as a habit they are professional forgetters they forget what you had asked they forget forget your requests they forget arrangements and agreements they forget promises they keep forgetting dates and hours and times and schedules and everything forgetting is another form of aggression together with procrastination and truancy the narcissist is absent physically or mentally emotionally or both in most cases both he is truant he is not there and he is not there he makes sure to not be there in the most crucial moments when you really really need his presence for something in order to decide something in order to conclude something in order to move on in order to you know establish a schedule in order to meet someone in order to do business at the very crucial moment you can count on the narcissist sudden inexplicable absence with some stupid excuse and neglect forgetfulness procrastination and truancy of the four horses of the narcissistic apocalypse they are intended to inflict upon you armageddon to destroy you totally there is intentional inefficiency stubbornness pseudo stupidity faking it i didn't understand i'm sorry an outright sabotage and all these are passive aggressive techniques the key to communicating with the narcissist effectively is to ignore the hidden message to ignore all this to not respond to the occult message to the hidden message to not allow the analysis to push your buttons and triggers but some people find it very difficult to accomplish some people are still in the throes of the over relationship with the narcissist or the narcissist still has some hold over them via his introject for example the narcissist is inside your head even when he's long gone physically he's still inside your head you can get yourself out of the narcissist but you can cannot get the narcissist out of yourself so the best solution is to use professionals to communicate with the narcissist if you can help it never ever communicate with the narcissist directly force him to communicate with you with your lawyers with your accountants with your best friend with your family member with your father with someone forces to force him to communicate with people who are oblivious to the hidden message you remember that the hidden message is based upon shared experiences shared past a shared past shared communication in the past and so people from the outside outsiders they simply don't spot they don't detect the hidden message and so they're going to respond to the overt open reasonable socially acceptable common sensical envelope message and that's what you want you want to keep the communication surface on the surface you do not want to go deep with the narcissist into the rabbit hole of his communications so if you refer the narcissist to other people who are constitutionally incapable of even detecting the hidden message the communication will devolve into envelope communication surface communication and you will not be triggered into actions that you're bound to regret later if at all possible go no contact any communication refer to an intermediary to a buffer to a firewall and this buffer or firewall will ignore the hidden message and convey to you only the open one and so it's a filter the narcissist engages in something called palindromic speech the communication of narcissists is either inward facing they verbalize their inner dialogues conversing loud sometimes with themselves where the audience is a mere foil to their stream of consciousness so this is the inward looking communication or it could be outward facing when the narcissist communicates with himself you are just an observer you're an audience he's bouncing thoughts off you you're like a blank screen upon which he can project anything that's his inner communication actually you're witnessing his inner communication and i repeat some narcissists do it aloud i mean they verbalize it and then there's outward facing communication narcissists talk in order to impress their interlocutors in order to evade actually providing information to obfuscate vulnerabilities so what they do is they're not communicating they don't communicate they impress they manipulate they obfuscate the obscure the evade narciss in the language is a narcissistic weapon in the narcissist arsenal pay attention to several warning signs number one the use of indefinite pronouns and modifiers like this or someone or that when the narcissist does not specify does not clarify any of the other parts of the speech leaving the listener guessing as to what had occurred to whom when where and why so indefinite pronouns and modifiers are a major sign of palindromic speech by the way many self-styled experts and coaches and so on online they use the phrase word salad word salad is strictly limited to schizophrenics schizophrenics have something called disorganized speech and this is a word salad narcissists do not engage in words out no one actually engages in word salad except schizophrenics or people with psychotic disorders so it's a misuse of the phrase borrowed from clinical literature wrongly by ignoring people number two so we are not discussing warning signs when you when you listen to the nurses or communicate with him verbally or in writing their warning signs of palindromic speech palindromic speech is the hidden message so number one indefinite pronouns are modifiers number two if the narcissist is addressing an audience or you demand the truth and accountability from him you can safely assume exaggeration confabulation reframing and outright lying on his part this is done partly also to cover up the narcissist pervasive dissociation number three when the narcissist expostulates on his motivation for doing something or when he recounts what had happened he is either wrong refraining to justify his misbehavior or or to restore ego simply or he's just lying out of self-interest or he has dissociative gaps amnesiac gaps and he's trying to bridge them with a confirmation he tries to sell you on what makes sense rather than on the truth if he doesn't know the truth he will provide you with a plausible replacement substitute or alternative you remember alternative facts if you keep reiterating the question if you insist on an answer if you insist on the truth if you persist he often contradicts himself and comes up with conflicting versions of the same events never trust what the narcissist says do not let his gaslighting undermine your trust in your senses your judgment your observations your memories your identity and your common sense make sure that only what you see is what you get observe the behaviors and reactions of the narcissist and everyone around the nazis for clues as to what had really transpired don't let the narcissist club you on the head and don't wake up in his platonic cave of shadows of an alternative reality palindo palindromic speech is any kind of statement about facts or inner mental states that intentionally often or inadvertently more rarely creates confusion and disorientation in the listener gaslighting lying these are examples of crass and malicious palindromic speech acts confabulation and illogical incoherent discourse these are benign variants intended to breach dissociative gaps in memory or to buttress grandiosity and palindromic speech which i i'm saying again that's the core of the hidden message palindromic speech makes use of various semantic devices pay close attention when you talk to the narcissist you need to be hyper vigilant you need to analyze any and every word every phrase every syntactical choice why did he put the words in this order why did he choose to say something why did he choose to not say something that's the hidden text the manifest text the hidden text so you all the time on your toes you're all the time analyzing when you you can't just take it for granted and the narcissist makes use of several semantic devices number one number one referential shifts referential shift is when the words refer to one thing while appearing to be actually referencing another thing it seems that he's talking about a when actually he's talking about b he means to talk about b but he's talking about a because talking about a disguises his real intentions opinions and judgments and manipulation with regards to b so this is referential shift double entendre word when he uses words or phrases which are open to two sometimes mutually exclusive interpretations or meanings so the same word can mean this thing can mean a or can mean b but a and b can't be together they're mutually exclusive they contradict each other and yet he uses a word that can be can be interpreted in several ways or a phrase that can can be interpreted in several ways this is double and thunder double meaning the next one is contextual drift contextual drifters when the narcissist subtly subterraneanly imperceptibly alters changes the context of the conversation and by changing the context of a conversation he changes the message and he changes the reality test he reframes the whole thing even as you are listening and you're not aware of it because he's very good at what he does so suddenly you find yourself discussing something you had no intention to discuss and you ask yourself how did i get here that's contextual drift next one is manipulative speech goal oriented utterances intended to impress or to accomplish aims not to communicate there is misattribution or attribution errors suggesting or preferring the wrong connections the wrong links between alleged or ostensible motivations and intentions and actual actions so he interprets actions in terms of wrong motivations wrong intentions and in this way he deflects blame for example or he casts his own actions in the best possible light or he casts your actions in the worst possible light he assigns roles and he assigns roles by misinterpreting very often deliberately intentions and motivations some narcissists small minority are paranoids so attribution errors are very common in paranoia and among conspiracy theories they have psychological trait called conspiracism the next semantic device used in palidromic speech and hidden messages is circumstantial mitigation an external locus of control a victim stance events conspire people collude to yield the misconduct and so he says i misbehaved what i did was wrong but you're guilty it's your fault you pushed me to do it or circumstances made me do it or i couldn't help myself or something overcame came over me so there's an external locus of control and as a victim starts events conspired people colluded and this gave rise to the misconduct and he abrogates personal responsibility he assumes the passive voice and finally there's logical fallacies simply a very impo a very famous example is post hoc ergo in other words if b had followed a it means that a had caused b which is absolutely wrong i mean it could be but it doesn't have to be or correlation is causation or reference to authority or ad hominem attacks and so on now since this uses logical malapropisms and fallacies to support his palindromic speech and paleodromic speech is efficacious efficacious because the base rate of the base rate cognitive bias the base rate cognitive bias states in one of its renditions that people automatically fully believe 95 of what they are told sight unseen people don't bother to verify they don't bother to cross-check they don't bother to confirm in 95 of the cases they just take it for granted they assume that most people are good well-intentioned they assume that most people are good that the world is benign the people are not evil and malevolent and malicious so they have a base rate cognitive bias they accept and palindromic speech uses this this vulnerability this this weakness and that renders palindromic speech very efficacious and palindromic speech mitigates the ineluctable hurt and pain associated with truth telling honestly no one likes to hear the truth people hate truth tellers which is why i'm hated i'm kidding you're not i think i'm hated because i'm a truth teller so people hate truth tellers and palindromic speech caters to this bias i don't wanna i've made up my mind don't confuse me with the facts and so palindromic speech colludes with psychological defense mechanisms such as denial and with behaviors such as reframing and avoidance it is powerful very powerful psychodynamic allies inside you the narcissist co-opts the narcissist works with leverages your own psychological defenses that's what makes the narcissist speech so irresistible so hurtful so accomplished there are two other obstructive speech patterns the hypothetical speech pattern and the counter factual speech pattern the narcissist borderline psychopath they use hypothetical speech to test the waters to see how their interlocutors would react to certain information so sentences like maybe or possibly or it could be that or i think that or i thought so but wasn't sure these are all forms of exploratory excursions the narcissists and borderline psycho but they're testing the waters how are you going to react if they were to convert these sentences into certainties how would you take it badly if they say something so so they say maybe i should have done this maybe you should have done the maybe it's kind of deniable uh then a plausible deniability i you know i said it but they just said maybe you know it's like someone insults you humiliates you online and then at the end they write just saying you know so maybe x in the narcissist speech maybe x means x had actually happened x is the truth but how do you feel about it maybe x i'm testing counter factual speech is a lie or misinformation disguised as either a rhetorical question or a statement of settled and universally accepted fact for example maybe she flirted with me at the restaurant but she didn't come to my room later that evening now did she well that's a strong indicator that she did visit his room that night and so this is counterfactual speech there are three types of manipulative speech victim speech entitled demanding dependent transparent whining whining grievances grudges that's victim speech it's a manipulative type of speech codependence and borderlines engage in this speech a lot and so do narcissism then there is child speech entitled demanding dependent transparent manipulative naive immature fantastic narcissists have this and then there is a psychopathic speech entitled envious competitive malicious opaque coated dense and multi-layered let's discuss a bit lying and confabulation if the mouths are moving they're lying histrionics borderlines psychopaths narcissists they move their mouth they lie they lie all the time their lies may be goal oriented to secure money to secure sex to secure narcissistic supply or the presence of the intimate partner the lies may be intended to regulate grandiosity or a labile sense of self-worth to buttress a stance or victimhood or simply because the forbidden and the illicit and the risky are thrilling and novelty and this is in case of serial cheaters who lie and deceive promiscuous um attention uh addicted people and so on so when you communicate with these types what they say is largely irrelevant the only relevant information is why they had chosen to say what they had said so don't pay attention what they're saying ask yourself why are they saying it the selection of lies the choice of of confabulations is revealing telling and informative and the same applies in psychotherapy by the way the anonymic the intake phase in the intake phase most patients confabulate they offer narratives that are ecosymptomic self-justifying so what the patient says is not nearly as important or crucial or edifying as to why the patient had chosen to say what the patient had said the choices they make in telling their stories are much more important than the stories narcissists lecture they never talk they seek to impress they never communicate they ignore other people's input they actively suppress such input rather than listen the narcissist is so invested so immersed in extracting narcissistic supply from his interlocutors so so um so concerned with dazzling them with his brilliance or with his sexual irresistibility that the narcissist is oblivious to his body language to his verbal cues to his interjections to events around him or to the environment at large it's a compulsion it's obsessive the narcissist expostulates hectares pontificates opines defines edifies rectifies rants and raves and rambles for hours on end seasonsly and breathlessly all of you have been exposed to the narcissist to the narcissist monologues unending monologues like this lecture and always from a position of purpose self-importance and verbose superiority and for authority yeah people his mum and num audience find the narcissist exhibitionistic delusional and coercive grandiosity so repellent so off-putting that they shun his unilateral company all together at the end that's why most nazis are left alone these people can't stand them anymore but what about speech acts which are abusive when what happens with the narcissist psychopath borderline never mind abuse speech not only use speech but abuse speech there are three examples let's start with big picture evasiveness it's my mini day let's start oh it's minnie's day with me let's start with big picture big picture evasiveness narcissists hate details narcissists are too self-important the narcissist's life is too cosmically significant to be wasted on frivolous trivia and trifles narcissists are above the fray of the cotidion of the daily of the pedestrian concern themselves they concern themselves only with strategy never with tactics narcissists lay out in sweeping synoptic terms the big picture they leave it to lesser inferior mortals like you to fill out and fill in the yawning gaps and to iron out the glaring inconsistencies in the narcissist big picture and hair brain schemes any attempt to involve the narcissist in the minutia of decision making and the give and take of human endeavor is perceived by the narcissist as coercion a humiliating ill-intentioned and deliberate challenge to his grandiose self-perception this for itself the narcissist's unwillingness to dirty his hands with the routine the mundane virtually guaranteed that his his her brain schemes hastily laid plans convoluted stratagems guarantee that they will go awry they will end in failure the narcissist coercive delegation of tasks the cascade of often contradictory instructions the grandiosity the aggressive superiority that characterizes expectations his fantasies his so-called planning always alienate and infuriate his bosses his underlings his employees his collaborators his partners his suppliers his customers his intimate partners some or some narcissists end up acting all alone because of that and some of the victims of the narcissist the recipients of his harangues and his hectoring and preaching and thyroids and vitriol and diatribes some of these victims end up acting passive aggressively and spitefully undermining the joint enterprise others worn by the narcissist aloofness and god-like detachment from reality simply give up on him they go through the motions robotically awaiting the inevitable meltdown of the narcissist then a second abusive speech act is alloplastic defenses and shifting the blame narcissists are hyper vigilant and consequently they misperceive rejection and insults everywhere not being sexually desired not occupying the center of attention not garnering narcissistic supply not being the alpha male in the room or the most intelligent person in the group all these constitute grave narcissistic injuries to the false self the psychopath as distinct from the narcissist is goal oriented so he regards the very same rejections as mere obstacles challenges to be overcome he says to himself i'm not desired i will render myself irresistible and i will make her jealous by triangulating or i'll just just move on to the next target i am not the center of attention says the psychopath if i want to i will make sure that i am and so on so both narcissists and psychopaths are competitive they are both hell-bent on winning and prevailing but for different ends and reasons the nasty six narcissistic supply the psychopath six power money connections position sex and so on the narcissist seeks to secure an uninterrupted flow regulated flow of narcissistic supply the psychopath simply aims to accomplish and achieve goals another facet shared by narcissism psychopath is their alloplastic defenses they are never fully fully responsible they're never to blame they're never guilty accountable they they their misconduct is never their own they don't own their misconduct would cheat on their spouses for instance they're likely to say i was drunk i was taken advantage of or you made me do it or i had no choice under the circumstances but to act the way i did the psychopath will use the theory of just desserts psychopath will say they deserve it they had provoked me they mistreated me they acted stupidly so they had it coming or i deserved it so i took it or this is the way of the world and i had to do what i did just in order to survive a man has to do what a man has to do the third abusive speech act is much more famous um i was the first to incorporate gas lighting into narcissistic abuse in 1995 gas lighting proceeded of course my work in 1995. you have descriptions of gas lighting as early as 1968 using the term gaslighting but i was the first to introduce gaslighting into the discourse of narcissistic abuse when i coined the phrase narcissistic abuse so passive aggressive lighting is an abusive speech act nothing is more infuriating than the passive aggressive evasiveness or gaslighting of the narcissist or psychopath it's like trying to hold on to a slimy goldfish it's you can never catch you can have a kind of settle there's no fixed point everything is in flux everything is kaleidoscopic you can't get a straight answer you can't get to the truth of what had happened if anything had happened the narcissist in the psychopath denies that anything at all had happened then he parades a kaleidoscopic array of protein contradictory versions of what may actually have happened or occurred then he minimizes the meaning of what finally he gradually acknowledges head transpire throughout this teeth extracting process the analysis implies that to dispute his claims or to doubt him is a sure sign of mental derangement and proof positive of an impaired reality testing or else it's malicious having admitted wrongdoing the narcissist axiologically reframes the transgression in other words he misattributes it to some values he did nothing wrong in his book the values of the injured party are old-fashioned possessive plainly rational the other party is insanely jealous the narcissist's misconduct is common or accepted where he comes from it's a question of culture he could not have acted differently under the circumstances and constraints of the moment isn't this understandable why do you keep harping at it can't we let go he had not premeditated intention to act the way he did it just simply happened it just happened because he was drunk or high or stressed or angry or sad or disappointed or lonely or miserable or something so it's never his fault things happen to the narcissist or or the psychopath or the borderline things happen to them they are the passive receptacles and recipients of fate destiny institutions other people and finally the narcissist shifts the blame a laplastic defense with an external locus of control he ships the blame he shifts the blame you're guilty he guilt-trips you the narcissist in psychopath was drunk for example was high he was forced into acting the way he did he was corrupted he was he got taken advantage of he was raped or she was raped he was taken by surprise he was gullibly taken advantage of he'd been abused he's the victim and then there's the perennial it is all the victims fault it's all the fault of the party that was hurt she made him do it she misbehaved she had abused him and provoked him and pushed him to misbehave to his deeds to the brink of insanity to the point of no return where he could no longer recognize himself she drove him insane usurping the victim role is a surefire sign that the narcissist of psychopath has done something truly rotten or truly dangerous when the narcissist goes out goes all out on the offensive you you know that he did something really really bad gaslighting by narcissism psychopath is surreal it's disorienting they lie reflexively with a straight face and without missing a beat the psychopath's prevarication frequently involves very convincing mimicry of other people's behaviors and effects and this engenders an alternative almost hallucinatory or nightmarish reality so i'll give you two simple rules number one the psychopathies never said is always mad not sad mad and sometimes bad he's mad at you and number two when the psychopath says i'm bad when he's ostensibly contrite and repentant what he means to say is i'm afraid i'm afraid of the consequences of my action or i'm pissed off that i was found out i i'm very angry that i i allowed myself to be caught red-handed in flagrante so when the last when the psychopath and the nurses say i'm bad i'm sorry it's my fault i regret it i'm remorseful they don't mean this they mean to say too bad you found out as collectly wrote hervik hervick likely wrote in his masterpiece the mask of sanity actions and behaviors are the psychopaths only true forms of communication actions and behaviors of the narcissist language we should therefore pay attention exclusively to what the psychopath analysis do and utterly ignore absolutely everything they say so why do we often believe and trust narcissism borderlines psychopaths when they tell us what had happened why do we fall for their lives because they're not lies psychopaths prevaricate to secure goals narcissism borderlines rarely do most commonly they confabulate confabulation is a desperate attempt to breach dissociative memory gaps lost time blackouts the narcissism borderline desperate to make sense of a discontinuous disjointed fragmented world and to do this they accomplish this they build these bridges by extrapolating from past experiences and creatively generating a fiction and narrative so as to what probably plausibly might have happened in the missing hours or minutes or days confabulating is intended to both restore identity continuity and cohesion and to hide the missing segments in the narcissist of borderline's personal histories confabulations effectively a form of false recall or false memories confabulations are irresistibly convincing and alluringly reassuring because the narcissist or borderline honestly and firmly believe that they're true and confabulations have the power of memories and they appear to be objective and authentic they're always very likely very plausible even highly probable so they're easy to accept by all people by all parties in many cases there's a fourth reason the confabulation allows everyone involved to negate and efficaciously ignore a painful reality or an uncomfortable alternative scenario or set of facts we all including the confabulator want to believe the contribution because it affords us comfort score peace of mind narcissism borderlines dissociate and then confabulate ceaselessly it is easy to be drawn into their counterfactual old outreality or universe the twilight zone of their inventive probabilities the psychotic realm of their discontinuous existence confirmation bias does the rest having committed ourselves to the narcissist or borderline's version of events having entered the alternative universe we filter out we suppress all countervailing information and contradictory or challenging facts or possibilities now i want to find out online so bear with me for a minute i want to find online something i had written a while ago and read it to you because it's a because it's an example of what i'm saying and here's what i wrote your wife doles up she grabs a bottle of liqueur excited and she rushes out the door at 9 30 pm she says that she had been invited for a late dinner by a friendly couple do you believe her belief is not the same as trust belief is purely cognitive not emotional first you have to care enough to scrutinize and contemplate the issue if the outcome is of no importance to you the resource efficient path of least resistance is is to believe next the facts must align with the belief the facts cannot be blatantly counterfactual contradict the belief if the facts match a possible benign interpretation you're likely to adopt this interpretation in order to reduce dissonance and hurt owing to the deceit of your wife so you're likely to adopt confirmation bias if you wish or if you're forced to maintain the status quo the way things are turning a blind eye self-deception is actually the only viable option and finally awareness and even vigilance are inversely proportional to the extent of idealization splitting projection reframing and other defense mechanisms you are far more likely to believe your wife if you are still idealizing for example eyes wide shot are conducive to belief so this is an example of guys lighting and why we believe gas lighting and lies and confabulations i want to end with the general statement there's no reasoning with the mentally ill mentally ill people cannot be reasoned with cannot be analyzed with any rationality this is because mentally ill people are capable of harboring opposing discipline and contradictory cognitions and emotions at the same time this is called paradoxical thinking hyperflexibility so the the mentally ill person can at the same time believe two contradictory things think two mutually exclusive things feel ambivalently two con conflicting emotions you can't bathe some called it the double bind laying dubbed it the incompatible not the speech acts and decisions of mentally ill people need to be deconstructed not merely observed from the outside people with psychiatric or psychological problems appear to be impulsive erratic labile unpredictable antisocial dysregulated disempathic dangerous heartless mendacious and egotistical but the truth is mentally ill people are simply meandering along the conflicting parts of their psyche this fragmentation of the alienated self this conflicting emotionally investing in internal rather than external objects may have to do with what guidance called ontological insecurity even in patients with milder syndromes such as personality disorders there is a glaring absence of order structure continuity cohesive identity meaning emotional stability reduce anxiety and consistent positivity or negativity there's no consistency it's not the balance that matters it's consistency in such epic fault fracturing fragmenting impedes the evolution of a theory of mind a world life and a worldview destroys logic itself undermines it we base our perceptions our understanding of other people on intersubjectivity and we use empathy it's mentalization theory of mind we place ourselves in other people's shoes but it is a speculative system of course it is founded almost entirely on trust it is based on honest self-reporting by other people regarding their inner mental states it is based on correlations of these self-reports with observable observable actions and behaviors dishonest self-reporting leads to discrepancies with observables and these engendered disorientation anxiety induced dysfunctional responses in us people with cluster b personality disorders dramatic erratic these people consistently mislead misrepresent their psychological self-states their emotions their cognitions their self-reporting is fallacious this prevarication has to do with identity disturbance dissociative amnesia confabulation and manipulative line and gaslight and consequently it's hopeless there is no point in trying to grasp analyze comprehend understand retrodig predict these personalities these particular personalities do not possess a stable core and in many respects don't exist there's an empty schizoid core there there's emptiness self negotiating with a void it's like howling into deep space they're either subjected to and at the mercy of labile and dysregulated whims of their moods or emotions or they are no longer with us steeped in delusions of grandeur with fantastic landscapes pseudopsychotic impaired reality testing and in many cases they're simply lying through their teeth so why bother and every word i said here is the truth maybe

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 89,189

Rating: 4.9122086 out of 5

Keywords: Communication, cipher, code, speech, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, NPD, psychopaths, antisocial, cold therapy, cold empathy, psychopathology, therapy, relationships, abuse, spousal abuse, domestic violence, psychotherapy, personality disorders, cluster B, DSM, self, object relations, psychodynamics, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, schizoid, borderline, psychology, psychiatry, pathology, inverted, compensatory, shared fantasy, psychopath, somatic, cerebral

Id: xWERR6Iev8E

Length: 62min 56sec (3776 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 21 2021