Destroy the Narcissist in Court: Divorce, Custody, and Aftermath

this is a presentation that i had prepared for an event which was cancelled and i didn't want my work to go to waste i hope it would be of some benefit to someone somewhere out there it's titled how to destroy the narcissist in court people on youtube love the word to destroy revenge there's a lot of aggression on youtube and so i decided to fit in to conform to be one of the guys and the girls and so how to destroy the narcissist in court during divorce and custody proceedings it's important to understand that divorce is widely considered one of the 10 most traumatic life events when we when we have textbooks about trauma when we write about trauma when we treat trauma traumatize people one of the main things they complain about is having experienced divorce either as one of the members of the couple or as children actually divorce is listed as one of ten adverse childhood experiences ace an excellent predictor of health later in life or actually ill health or bad health so divorce is not easy for you but you should also realize the divorce is not easy for the narcissist divorce is perceived by the narcissist as a rejection well over 73 percent of all divorces are initiated by women and so narcissist narcissistic men experience divorce as a slap in the face as in the best case severe narcissistic injury as a life crisis which very often leads to the process of mortification now to remind you narcissistic modification is when the false self is disabled doesn't work anymore stops functioning and so there's no grandiosity to shield the narcissist his fantasies crumble and he gets in touch with reality directly because the narcissist is essentially skinless exactly like the borderline because he needs to be firewalled in order to survive he needs to be separated from reality he needs to have an impaired reality testing he is protected by his cognitive deficits biases fantasies and delusions when you take these away from him in the process of divorce he is like a tortoise without a shell is reduced he regresses back to infancy he is a child this is very important to understand because these are precisely the vulnerabilities of the narcissist during the divorce process and especially within the legal system in the courts judiciary law enforcement and so on so forth but before i proceed there's something very important it is wrong to design a strategy that focuses only on the court and on on judges on evaluators on psychologies on it's wrong to focus only on the legal aspect and dimension of the divorce divorce is a life encompassing process and if you want to accomplish positive favorable beneficial outcomes for you and for your children if you have any you must design a holistic strategy strategy that takes into account the narcissist performance in the court and how to affect it adversely for him but also takes into account the nice narcissus life ongoing life outside the court off court life as far as the narcissist is concerned in any case it's one big game the elements of the game which unfold in court elements of the game which unfurl between you and him elements of the game which involve other people flying monkeys your children as pawns in this mega game of chess so you must meet the narcissist sometimes on his territory you must join battle where the enemy is and so the enemy is everywhere you must manage the court process together with your attorney you must design strategies which i will discuss a bit later and implement them wisely judiciously repeatedly you must strike blows the chinese torture of dripping water whichever metaphor suits you best but you also must continue during the breaks between sessions during the deposition phases in your personal correspondence with the narcissist if you maintain any in your correspondence via intermediaries like accountants and lawyers if that's the way you were chosen through your common friends through his family through your family through social media this war divorce and custody they are perceived as war by the narcissist and this war is fought everywhere it's what we call today total war civilian casualties collateral damage is in the cards you better minimize it and you minimize it not by ignoring the narcissist in between court sessions not by pretending that he doesn't exist not by telling yourself well that's the maximum he can do he's limited because the law won't allow him to do this or that or because legal strategies are well known in advance or because i have a contract with him a signed contract a print up or whatever forget all this narcissists don't play by any rules except those rules they conjure up as they go along on the fly innuendos innuendos smear campaigns abused by proxy flying monkeys leveraging your common children against you extorting blackmailing threatening passive aggressive aggression these are all weapons in the narcissist arsenal and here's a tip if the narcissist has a weapon he's going to use it it's like the famous maxim if there's a weapon on stage in the first scene it's going to be used by the end of the play so be aware of this now the narcissist vulnerability is of course his grandiosity whenever you criticize the narcissist you whenever you disagree with the narcissist contradict the narcissist pass pass judgment on him you resonate very strongly with his inner critic with his sadistic super ego with structures constructs introjects and internal objects inside him that agree with you actually fully agree with you because he cannot face this it's ego destonic it's uncomfortable it's anxiety producing because he cannot face this he compensates by pretending to be much bigger than he is he inflates himself this is called personal inflation he renders him his self false a piece of fiction a narrative a movie where he is the superstar the only star it's the only way to cope with a nagging inner voice that tells you you're worthless your damage good goods you're broken you're nothing your zero your failure your defeat and so and so forth and of course there are narcissists who are not aware of this inner voice and we call these analysis covert narcissists they're classic narcissists they believe their own fantasies delusions hallucinations grandiosity they fully believe that they're geniuses perfect brilliant the most handsome and irresistible etc etc and they strut along and swagger and you know brag and they are self-confident and nothing can shake their self-esteem and they put on they put on such a great show that they themselves become the audience they they're they're totally self-sufficient they are self-contained universe where they're the show and they're the universe they are god and they are the worshiper in this private religion they become god-like in their own eyes and they fully firmly firmly believe and are convinced that everything they're saying about themselves is an underestimate actually these are the overt narcissists and there's a whole group of other narcissists vulnerable shy fragile covert narcissists who are actually the successors to what used to be called compensatory narcissism these analysis with the kernel of self-doubt with fluctuating dysregulated self-esteem and sense of self-worth they need narcissistic supply from the outside in order to regulate their internal environment they can't live without it they can't subsist without it so but both types of narcissists are hyper vigilant they react very badly to any intimation in window insinuation hint let alone or open overt claim that they're less than perfect that they've committed a mistake they don't know what they are doing that they are ignorant or god forbid stupid or or you know maladjusted or can be trusted unreliable et cetera so any criticism any disagreement works in your favor be sure be sure to express such disagreement and criticism in a civilized calm contained way don't let the narcissist drag you into a foot fight don't get caught in his temper tantrums in his infantile behavior you should be the adult in the room especially in court where everyone is watching you the judge is watching you the lawyers are watching you the audience in court is watching you the crowd everyone is watching you and especially the narcissist is watching you scanning you with this cold empathy trying to find the chinks in your armor the buttons to push how to disintegrate you how to cause you to decompensate act out and appear to be crazy he would gaslight you in court he would use any tactic to drive you to literal insanity and when you discombobulate and fall apart in front of everyone his version of the events is going to be believed because he's been telling everyone that you're insane that you are the one who had introduced scales unpredictability and infant infantile infantile behaviors into the diet into the couple he blames everything on you do not do not put on a performance that justifies his worst accusations his worst accusations so you stay calm you stay composed you say you remain in control you just state what you have to say say it firmly but not aggressively repeat it once or twice but not too often make it pinpointed and piercing but not lethal wounding but not lethal don't overdo don't exaggerate don't be a drama queen there's nothing more hated than a drama queen so try to control yourself because the narcissist is a must master at bringing out onto the surface and in full view your shadow and yes you do have a shadow you do have parts of you which are which resonate with the narcissists parts of you without which are essentially pathological parts of you which you really really don't want to display in public especially in a session of the court so don't let the narcissist latch on to your shadow interact with your shadow because they are allies the narcissist in your life and your shadow part their their friends they had formed an alliance long ago via grooming and love bombing that's why you ended up with the narcissist because you had resonated there was an echo there be aware of that when you talk to the narcissist in court criticize him disagree with him and so on one of the things you should do you should expose him again don't expose him via a direct attack don't be violent don't be aggressive and don't even be passive aggressive be factual present facts well-established well-researched substantiated backed up by paper copies recordings and so on never ever raise anything any topic any insinuation any fact if you can't back it up you should be evidence based the narcissist is the one who makes use of rumors in gossip and smear campaigns but this is going to be easily exposed in court you should be the one who can back up every single thing you say so do expose him expose his fake accomplishments for example exposes shortcomings point the chord towards instances instances where he had lied or confabulated intentionally and deliberately in a manipulative process do all this and expose him for what is but do all this as a scientist would slowly methodically inexorably ineluctably so that there's no defense against the facts the reams of paper the tape recordings the video recordings testimonies and testimonials by others push the analysis to the corner because one thing narcissus hateful hate is details they are not detail-oriented they consider themselves so cosmically supreme and important and significant that they limit themselves to the big picture it's the big picture men with a synoptic god-like view of history and human affairs every narcissist is a self-styled genius self-styled expert the narcissist is very likely to undermine his own attorney argue with his attorney sometimes openly and publicly in court rise up and take over the proceedings and represent himself these these work in your advantage these misbehaviors they work in your advantage and you should elicit them you should provoke them every time you expose the narcissist he feels belittled every time you show that he inhabits that he is resident in fantasyland that he had lost touch with reality that his self-imputed talents and skills and even intellect are fake false overdone overestimated exaggerated every time you do this the narcissist is likely to react with narcissistic rage narcissistic rage works in your favor for two reasons it's unseemly people don't like to see other people when they rage so rage is repulsive it's abhorrent it's obnoxious so you want the narcissist to reach but the second reason is that when the narcissist rages he loses impulse control he is very likely to say things and do things that he's going to bitterly regret later on had he been capable of regret which is not so drive the narcissist to distraction not destruction like self-destruct but distraction with an a focus the narcissist mind on your on your underhanded and implied criticisms on his on demeaning him and debasing and underestimating him and so on so forth he's hypervigilant and now he's scanning all the time for slides and insults and discrimination and injustice and how people underestimate it even good reason given good reason aggression accumulates in him it's like a pressure cooker with the valve off so sooner or later it's gonna it's gonna explode and the narcissist is gonna hit the fan so you do this either directly backed by evidence and everything or indirectly when you hint when you feel secure never ever venture into a territory we are not sure of what you're saying where you're speculating we were gambling it may may end up badly for you never ask a question the answer to which you don't know in advance you may not like the answer it may be counterproductive it may undermine your interests so be prepared be prepared be prepared be prepared these are the four pillars of a good good court battle with a narcissist but you can hint if you feel certain of something and you still lack the evidence use hints you can hint don't do it passive aggressively people don't like shrews shrews like shakespeare people don't like be people don't like um nasty people so don't be passive aggressive don't be smug don't don't be gleeful don't be don't don't sort of glow and and be radiant when you humiliate the narcissist people are not gonna i'm not gonna like it don't appear to be obnoxious as obnoxious as nasty as the narcissist is when you hint again do it firmly do it calmly present it as a question rather than as a statement but you can hint you can hint that the narcissist for example is subordinated that he is controlled somehow that is inferior you can insinuate that he is dependent or that is owned by something or that is not entirely independent and autonomous as it claims to be that's one example narcissists resent this very much because they're omnipotent similarly you can hint that the narcissist is less than versed in what he claims to know that he is actually ignorant that he doesn't recognize his own ignorance and makes no effort uh to supplement his lack of knowledge to kind of cover up for it to to learn so that challenges his omniscience show instances point to instances and cases and events in your common history or in his history where he had failed that would challenge his perfectionism that the his self belief that he's perfect etc etc make a list of all the elements of his grandiosity what is he most proud of what is he emotionally invested in what makes him tick what defines his identity what elevates him what renders him euphoric and then pierce the bubbles pierce the bubbles explode his balloons let him feel his real self his reality processes cannot countenance reality the narcissist is far from perfect actually he is much more prone to commit errors and mistakes than normal people because of his cognitive deficits he's usually very ignorant he just pretends to know he's a self-imputed expert self-styled expert but he doesn't know what he's saying in 99 of cases he's ignorant sometimes even illiterate he is very far from all-powerful or omnipotent or godlike he fails he's defeated he's disrespected he's mocked and derided et cetera et cetera et cetera he's controlled sometimes he's a low level employee sometimes he's told what to do sometimes his own attorney tells him what to do which you can you can leverage you can hint you can hint that actually it's the attorney who is making the decisions and the narcissist is a puppet the narcissist is going to resent this very much and he's going to attack his own attorney just to prove to everyone that he is not a puppet that is not a marionette that he is in charge of the of his attorney not the other way it's an example it's an example of how to push the narcissist buttons imply or even say openly that the narcissist is average common typical indistinguishable mediocre if you are daring enough even in your sex life as a lover as a husband as a father as an entrepreneur as a self-employed person as an employee as a friend whenever one of these functions comes up make clear that the narcissist is not the best you've ever seen or come across that you have met people who are much more accomplished much more clever much more funny much more sexual much more interesting much more everything narcissists hate above all to be considered mediocre to be considered one of the herd they are supermen they are the next stage in the evolutionary ladder they are the incarnation of the of of transhumanism so if you more than hint if you if you actually prove that the narcissist is just you know like everybody else or even less he's gonna resend this because in his mind this is interpreted interpreted as uh shattering criticism he doesn't he he hates to be considered weak he hates to be considered needy dependent incomplete imperfect um indistinguishable he thinks that he stan that he stands out immediately he doesn't even have to do anything this is the sense of entitlement his very existence is a gift from god and an unprecedented unprecedented phenomenon and here you come and actually compare him to others and very often unfavorably he's deficient he's slow he's stupid he's clownish buffoonish he's embarrassing he's you know and you can inject these criticisms into a narrative never just come out and say oh he was a bad lover or he always made mistakes or he doesn't know the first thing about about his own profession or i mean never come out and attack him frontally and out of context anything you do out of context will be perceived as viciousness you don't want to appear wicked and vicious and malevolent and malicious do you you don't but when you come up when you when you when you engage in a narrative when you come up with a narrative with a storyline when you describe for example your relationship your marriage your child rearing bringing up your children together travels traveling together i mean when it's when your criticism is embedded in a narrative in a story in a context it will be perceived as natural it will be perceived as an opinion not as an attempt to provoke you need to appear you need to appear innocuous innocent uh honest straight to the point and without ulterior motives or a hidden agenda to destroy the narcissist disintegrate him make him fall apart provoke him to the point of insanity this this will go against you but during divorce proceedings and custody proceedings there are numerous opportunities to tell the court your story and when you tell the court your story it is then that you can explain to the court that there's a problem here the narcissist self-perception and self-image don't sit well don't tally well with reality and with facts and you can sustain you can enhance and batteries your point of view by bringing other people to the stand who would say the same the more the merrier narcissist the narcissist will not be able to tolerate this the more you say that he is average and common and like everybody else the more enraged he's going to become and the more he's going to lose control you want him to lose control and you want him to lose control in full view on camera as it were because only then people will understand what you had been going through in your relationship the experience of narcissistic abuse is so highly idiosyncratic so special and specific to you so unique so unprecedented so amazing so out of this world so aliens that it's very difficult to believe you you need to recreate the dynamic on camera in full view in front of audience judge and and and attorneys you need everyone to see what it is like to endure a life or shall we say extended death with the with the narcissist you need people to see how deficient is how slow how inane if not utterly stupid you need you need them to see that even when he's naive even when he's gullible and susceptible even when he's manipulated it is embedded in something that is not whole that is not not good so he is likely to be naive and gullible and susceptible which are childlike qualities within activities that are shall we say antisocial or not okay even his childlike properties which should have endeared him should have make it should have made him cute and likable and lovable even these are leveraged by him in very bad ways so he is not a child he's a petulant child an obnoxious child the kind of child you pray do not have you need to to convey this to the court because the narcissist is going to trot out is going to to out his inner child he's going to try to convince the court that he had been an innocent victim of you that you took advantage of his gullibility and innocence in and his susceptibility his vulnerability to manipulate him that he is the victim that he wasn't in the know that he didn't realize that you are a psychopath that that you are goal oriented that you're a gold digger that you i mean he's going to try to invert invert the narrative invert the story and to render himself the hapless pray p r e y you're the predator and to do this he's gonna show the court how immature he is how infantile how regressive how unequipped to deal with people like you predatory skimming profit-oriented goal-oriented vicious malicious obnoxious vengeful that's how you're gonna he's gonna try to to paint you and you need the court to see the truth and the only way to accomplish this is to provoke the narcissist the narcissist is often an ignorant he's a character he's a diligent even in his own field you need to to explain to the court that the narcissist tries to compensate with magical thinking for his lack of effort for his laziness and indolence he doesn't want to work hard he wants everything to fall into his lap he believes in magic and in fantasy now this is very nice when you are i don't know 11 years old or 9 years old but within an adult relationship it fasts very fast becomes a problem becomes a problem because you have to cope with reality and narcissist not only doesn't give you a hand in coping with reality he hinders you he obstructs you and he resents you if you drag him into reality if you demand commitment investment reciprocity sharing the nasa is going to hate you he's gonna hate you because he prefers to live within his own mind where everything is nice and dandy his powers are unlimited and he can be anything he wants just by thinking about it not god forbid by investing anything by learning anything just by thinking about it i think therefore everything is and so you need to be fact-based you need to be fact-based and you need to you need to show the court that you mean not disrespect either towards the narcissist or towards the court of course that your attempts to expose the narcissist for what he is and who he is or rather who is not these attempts have nothing to do with humiliating they're not interested to humiliate this is not a vengeful eventual move be very careful not to appear to be revengeful hateful how to get the narcissist pay back time these these are very bad moments for you should you appear to be hell-bent on retribution and reprisals you will lose you will lose the case so you you should be fact based and any disrespect and any injury call you cause the analysis should be embedded in the proper inescapable context of your argument of your narrative ultimately the analysis will rage he will lose control he will expose himself with unbridled displays of firework aggression that is inevitable because analysis see slights and insults and injuries and wounds and everything good morning is an insult i mean who are you to tell me if it's that it's morning i know it's morning and who are you to tell me if it's good i won't decide that so good morning insult so don't worry you don't have to work too hard before the narcissist you know ruins himself on stage ruins his reputation and the carefully crafted image of the mature reasonable calm composed adult that he had created previously for example in his deposition you don't worry about that he will do he will do the job for you he the narcissist is working for you you don't need to overdo it you don't need to exaggerate you do you don't need to appear to be investing in effort you need just to be you you need just to be you remember the narcissist is provoked by your independence autonomous existence all you have to do to provoke the narcissist is to be the narcissist has spent years sometimes decades trying to eradicate negate and vitiate your existence narcissistic abuse is about negating your existence render rendering you an internal object an extension taking away your friends your family ultimately your life your independent thinking zombifying you mummifying you so any proof in court that it didn't work and you are still very much alive that you are autonomous that you have agency that you have self-efficacious it's gonna throw him off he's gonna lose it you don't need to worry about it and he feels entitled remember this he wants to be questioned only by a superior the most superior figure in the court so he would insist to talk to the judge directly even if the judge tells him a hundred times don't talk to me he's going to talk to the judge why because the judge is the god of the court and the narcissist is entitled to interact with the most superior person present you take advantage of this you force him to talk to inferiors like your attorney like yourself like your children so tell him that he is not entitled tell him that he is doubted that he is ridiculed that he doesn't deserve what he thinks he deserves that his desires wishes demands are no one's priorities that he is boring and repetitive that his needs are common average typical indistinguishable that he's transparent that everyone can see through him so he's not as clever as he thinks you know he's not as manipulative as he thinks tell him that he must obey must follow orders the orders of the court for example or the demands of your attorney or your he must answer your questions tell him that you will do as you're told tell him that you will not tolerate his template and drops that there will be no concessions and when you ask him questions make sure these questions are assiduous make sure these questions provoke him but without being seen to provoke so hint that is not as intelligent as he thinks it is for example by saying i think you got this one wrong that's all i think you got it wrong believe me that's enough it means translation you're not intelligent you're stupid um you can ask and who is behind this this requires a lot of intelligence and and uh planning and sophistication who's behind this this what you've done who's behind the success of your company who is behind your recent move who is behind implied that he doesn't possess the necessary qualifications he's not intelligence he's not sophisticated he's not a long-term planner he he is not committed to his work he is not industrious he is not you know he's not so keep hinting that all his accomplishments in life if he has any and everything he's doing is actually not his he's just appropriating and expropriating the fruits of other people's labors it's another example or you can ask him you can go through his education nonsense is very frequently uh under-educated actually and some of them would lie about their biography and educational accomplishments go through it expose him what's your formal education what really you that's it high school i mean like you know focus on these i mean again make a list make a list of everything that matters to him everything he invests a lot of effort in is he very peculiar about his his intellectual accomplishments his academic academic degrees his uh money his irresistibility to women i mean what is he what is what is his locus what is what matters what's important to him what would he sacrifice his life for so to speak definitely sacrifice his perception of realities reality testing and then home in on these points exactly if it's important for him to be considered intelligent ask him a question and when he answers say i'm sorry but clearly you did not understand the question home run you scored because clearly you did not understand the question means you're an idiot you're not as clever as you think you are you couldn't even understand my question it's an example if he thinks is irresistible to women make sure that in your narrative you describe how initially you were not attracted to him that's all it's a fact and even if it's not a fact make it effect it's a fact but he challenges what matters to him if he's a somatic narcissist his irresistibility if he prides himself on being a great father at least in great intimate details all his failures as a father and bring their children on or testimonies by the children to support this or their educators or evaluators isolate the intrusion points the in and keep keep hammering keep hammering on these points until until he loses it uh if he's proud of looking younger than he is keep raising up his his age keep mentioning his age if he thinks that he's um i don't know distinguished and much respected make sure you embed in your narrative in your story in your testimony in your evidence in cross-examination make sure you embed numerous stories on how everyone mocks him ridicules him derides him and disrespects him and described personal experiences when you had been embarrassed of his misconduct of his buffoonish comport and so that it becomes clear that he's very far from respected or distinguished if he considered himself to have contributed to a certain field or institution minimize minimize his efforts minimize his achievements make sure that is plagiarist or an imitator or not the first or not very important in the global collective enterprise so what his workplace for example is not as important to his workplace and in his workplace as he claims to be make sure the court knows this and make sure he listens in as you explain to the court that he is a nobody that is a cog in the machine that is just a low-level employee who nobody cares about or listens to narcissists will will absolutely erupt like a volcano what did you accomplish what did you study what businesses did you manage did is it true that you went bankrupt three times is it true that your daughter doesn't talk to you is it true that this is your third marriage in other words the previous two ended up in failure ended in failure so would you call yourself a successful person really where in which um do you think the children consider you a good father did you ever talk to them about it did you did you ever talk to them at all what kind of time do you spend with them is it quality time or you do what you want to do during this time um you were last seen with this and that implying that you know he doesn't have good taste his discernment is dubious etc undermine minimize criticize contradict disagree do all this calmly do all this based on evidence do all this embed it in the context of a narrative and you will win

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 125,491

Keywords: abuse, antisocial, battering, divorce, domestic violence, dsm-iv, ego, harassment, narcissism, narcissistic, narcissistic personality disorder, npd, object relations, personality, personality disorders, psychodynamics, psychopaths, psychotherapy, relationships, self, spousal abuse, stalking, psychopathology, therapy, court, judge, jury, custody, children, grandiosity, deposition, legal, police, marriage, family, relationship, fantasy, reality

Id: A0Z1QLXbb_k

Length: 46min 17sec (2777 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 17 2020