This is THE REASON you can't get REVENGE on a narcissist

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hey everyone it's Dr Romney welcome back to this YouTube channel and narcissism narcissistic relationships healing from narcissistic relationships and making sense of them this is a question I get a lot why can't we get revenge on a narcissist bet you want to know the answer keep listening don't try it at home kids do not try to get revenge on a narcissistic person why you're thinking come on Dr Romney why not the short answer to that is because although it seems like it would feel good in the long term it's not good for us it could be dangerous it could land you in a whole lot of trouble and it could and it probably and I actually definitely will inflame the narcissistic person who may hit back twice as hard which could certainly get when we could get literally dangerous but is definitely going to take a psychological toll on you I get a lot of pushback from people who sometimes even tell me that I'm being holier than thou when I tell them that seeking out revenge on a narcissistic person and frankly on any person is not a good idea that said please hear me I totally understand why you want to do it I do I would too I have in the past desperately wanted to take revenge on a narcissistic person and held me back believing that it's a dish best serve cold and and there are some narcissistic people from my past that I still hold such rage about that if I find out things went upside down for them or their lives blew up I'd celebrate a little I'm not going to be the one to do that Revenge but I have no problem just sort of popping some sparkling cider and saying there you go karma's a but let's talk because it's Universal to want this but let's talk about why you want revenge do they hurt you they harmed you they made you feel awful you wasted months years maybe decades they betrayed you wanting Revenge under those conditions makes sense who wouldn't because there is so little Justice in a narcissistic relationship and so little Justice after these relationships happen the idea of Revenge can create that sense that helps us get to the other side to know that maybe there would be some consequences that they suffered the way you did it makes sense human brains are wired for that right the problem with revenge is that it keeps you stuck they are still taking some really valuable mental real estate you are still ruminating and you may as well still be in the relationship for how much time you waste it may be about plotting it spending money on it covering your tracks waiting to see if they respond and when it's done since so often the Revenge doesn't get you fully what you want you wasted more time on something you've already wasted a lot of time on getting revenge on a narcissistic person consists of cutting off their supply and magnifying their shame that's it you want to get revenge that's all it is cut off Supply magnify their shame and that would happen if there was harm to their reputation if there are new sources of Supply disappeared if they lost their power or stature in the world loss of money loss of job loss of platform whatever it is that is allowing them to hold their power in the world which is obviously a major source of narcissistic supply for them now listen folks that is not always legally or ethically possible might be subtle ways you could do this if someone whom the narcissistic person respects or that the narcissistic person wanted the respect of were to ask you why your relationship ended and let's say for example it ended because they were unfaithful you may say Point Blank it ended because he had an affair but you're never gonna know if it had the desired effect maybe the person will lose respect for them maybe not but the fact is slander and defamation laws exist so there isn't much you can say publicly if they don't want you to and if it harms their income flow they may come after you legally and narcissistic people love litigation they live for it they love suing people and they love sending them those big threatening legal letters so be prepared for that people really don't find it satisfying when they are told that the best revenge is to just go out there and live life is your true self in your best way and then post about it and or make sure they know about it they don't care they don't care if you're out there living your best life and boasting about it if they have new Supply they may not care about your fabulous vacation or your weight loss or your new love interests at best it may pull for a Hoover for a minute but probably not full-on Revenge that's not what you're going to achieve they aren't ruminating the way you are listen as a shrink I'm going to say it's perfectly fine it's fine to talk in safe spaces about the Revenge you want to get on them and I have had clients do that for years in therapy not for years I've been doing it for the years they talk about it for a few months and we've laughed at their hope that the Nar the person that they cheated on and married will end up leaving them or cheating on them or fleecing them out of all their money or they've some folks have the hope that the narcissistic person will lose their job and end up without a place to live or the hope that they'll have to spend the holidays alone or the hope that they'll get found out on the Shady stuff they did at work and be taken out in handcuffs or the hope that their business will tank you can think about it you can laugh about it you can turn their profile picture into a dart board and throw darts at it that's all fine just don't enact it honestly I'm telling you it is not worth the hassle it's not worth the legal hassle it is not worth the ethical hassle it is not worth the stress it may only cause may not only cause for you but for your children or other family members or other colleagues or other people close to you as I said I get it and it does it just disgusts me to see how much narcissistic people get away with how enabled they are by the world it makes me sick and also while it may not feel like Revenge the best thing you can do is do you do the things you want live the life you could in because they were always in the way they don't care and ultimately guess what they're stuck being them they'll never have a successful deep relationship they will always be Shady they'll always be judgmental they'll always be cold and they will always go through life feeling like a victim it sucks to be them none of that is satisfying though what I'm saying it's not satisfying to you when you want them to feel as bad as you do but the bad you feel comes in part from you having empathy and a heart to break their feeling bad has more of everyone's out to get me Vibe I don't get what I want vibe I want I once watched a friend go through it rough her husband left her the marriage wasn't good but he left her and they had I think three three kids young kids within a week he was with someone new obviously there was overlap he didn't find this person in the week but he being the gaslighting horrible man that he was he denied it the new woman he ended up with was very wealthy very young and they were very public about their relationship posting pictures from exotic destinations while she sat home with the kids who were a bit sort of rattled by what their dad did and then the rotten man had the nerve to argue about custody when it was convenient for him and wanting her to work with his vacation schedule he was a neglectful father more focused on making out with his new wife and posting public pictures of that then in engaging with his children but she persisted she fought hard in court to get therapy for her children she followed the rules of a custody order written by a narcissistic judge to the letter she kept impeccable records and then the kids got into their teens and stood up to Dad and said dude you're embarrassing when given an option they chose mom and they are now in healthy relationships with mom mom never said a disparaging word about him they put up and endure their dad from time to time he shows up at the odd graduation or something but the once shiny marriage that he made with the new fancy tropical destination wife well she's narcissistic too the cracks are showing the fights are ugly that took years and years is it revenge like I said the old saying goes revenge is a dish best served cold with narcissistic folks I understand how compelling that call to revenge is you want to think about it you want to fantasize about it okay you even want to hope for it okay you do you but don't enact it it can feel awful to see them go into a sort of a shiny future with no consideration for you but being with them was never going to be a good situation for you you can keep throwing darts at that picture just say just stay safe I get it but again I would rather you don't spend your life in a Revenge fantasy but rather you spend your life growing into your true self rather than forever trying to play that unwinnable game with the narcissistic person and honestly have some pity for the person who has to take them on after you thanks again
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Channel: DoctorRamani
Views: 62,534
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Length: 10min 39sec (639 seconds)
Published: Thu Jul 06 2023
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