Everything Wrong With Spy in 19 Minutes or Less

[Music] in case you confused it with varna please let this be funnier than bridesmaid zia sir that is a glass not a card game isn't james bond supposed to know that exquisite is a smash glass at a wedding really so abnormal an event that it's worth immediately abandoning your post for this room has a baffling array of lighting which includes these two lamps here that appear to be lighting the same area of nothing whatever the this situation is that i assume is supposed to assist with reading but is way over the top and finally these two wall lights that are lighting everything except the work of art that you assume would receive the most benefit from being properly lit i made sure to erase any weaknesses and then i erased the erasers these dumb baskets didn't think it was odd they were going to be allowed to know the location of the nuke when no one else was also wearing your scarf on the outside of your coat your scarf should always be on the inside of your coat to ensure your neck is kept warm while you do your henchman murdering i'd say you'd better as hilarious as accidental gunshots to the head are shouldn't a highly trained agent like fine have better trigger control than this should have brought more bullets can i also recommend that as a spy you should probably refrain from carelessly discarding the highly incriminating firearm from your recent freak pollen-based shooting also yes you really should have was one clip really all i thought he would need if she went sideways unfortunately there's vermin in the ceiling again and i hate to sit but they've well they've pooped all over your cake what rat would poop all over a cake but not eat any of it keeping a variety of top secret login details on easily stealable post-it notes although i prefer to the thousand cuts a second shaky cam fights that usually offend my eyeballs this fight is still super simple i mean these first two guys have guns but for some reason this third chap has come to the party completely unarmed then this dumb ass who is armed runs in gun first instead of hanging back and using it as god in the second amendment intended and what happened to the guy susan saw over here on the left of the heat map did he see the first guard get disarmed and think nope i've seen this movie and it does not end well for me i'm out of here when i see this many people missing a single target running in a straight line my brain just completely checks out of the movie and starts wondering about random like if i bought a 3d printer could i 3d print the parts to make another 3d printer and then sell it and then isn't that like having infinite wishes but if that's possible why isn't everyone rich and would that actually destroy the economy and then civilization as we know it would collapse this finally gives caucus the evolutionary wiggle room they've needed to become the dominant species and all this is because of paul feig's spy spy killer susan choosing this to be the moment you cut to credits movie attempts to do a bond style opening song and succeeds unfortunately it ends up being one of the really bond openings like die another day or the rise of groove these fucknuts are going out to dinner to celebrate a job well done for future reference losing the only known link to a missing nuke in a freak pollen based shooting counts as a job well done only in movie land would a charming spy actually think this is an appropriate gift for a colleague and insist on them wearing it in a fancy restaurant look guys you already made it abundantly clear how detached from reality we are when you made melissa mccarthy play a character that is ten thousand times more awkward than darwinism would allow they would never let me yes my main character explains all the ways the thing that happens for the rest of the movie could never happen and of course it happens it's not pink eye ma'am it's just i'm having a bit of an allergic reaction well i'm allergic to disgusting childhood illnesses so stay away from me and i'm allergic to unfunny bits based on disgusting child illnesses but we all have a job to do lady i'm 40. i live by myself i have a gadget for this skip you're exciting do you know what you play it too safe those two traits are pretty much the opposite of each other is that floating broccoli susan you're killing it susan is clearly in the middle of an operation with fine and this dumb ass is interrupting her to tell her how good the dessert is grab some tissues because she's about to get real sad except it doesn't since we don't see find eye and i'm guessing the majority of us have actually seen a movie before we know there is a 103 chance he's still alive i'm not good at math susan i got your assessment report on rayna boyenov i know you're probably feeling a lot of emotion right now but please refrain from using the term thundercut yeah it's almost like susan shouldn't be at work after losing the dear friend and mentor does the cia not have bereavement pay nancy i'm sending you a photo it's in pretty bad shape can you enhance it did you wheel the picture over to nancy's computer because you never did anything on your computer that resembled an email or a file share and made something completely different in england that sirs up for debate unless he meant total waste of time a nun's wimple or someone he has an affection for but context clues suggest he absolutely meant this as a derogatory slur referring to the female genitalia and i can't believe i have a spent 10 seconds explaining that and b spent a full hour researching it here's what we do i go into the face-off machine get a whole new face even in a comedy i'm not buying that anyone who would believe that a face-off machine exists would be able to get a job as a cia spy also a movie has left me to dream about a remake of face-off that will never happen with jason statham and nick cage it'd be like an immovably overacting object meeting an unstoppably overacting force i must have watched this 15 times now because what the f i almost want to take a sin off for alice and janie because she's awesome as always but this movie also has too little of her in it so my hands are tied normally i would send you back to the farm but there's no time i love seeing melissa mccarthy kick all the ass but the movie still could have come up with a more plausible explanation as to how she gets sent out with zero field training experience in the last 10 years how is it possible the agency only had four people employed as field agents there was a 13 year old girl named carol that used to kind of take me around the neighborhood and use my braid as a dog leash hey that's number 14 on the list of things i'd rather be doing than watching this movie comes just before reenacting the burial of my pet hamster original through the medium of lego but just after watching nymphomaniac vol 2 with my grandparents again carol jenkins is a single mother of four temporarily relocated from delaware using made up states in your cover story i was given specific instructions by elaine to tailor these gadgets to you these are not yours oh you movie he even looked down at these gadgets when he said that what the else were they supposed to think but also why isn't she getting these gadgets the other agents have been compromised who else needs to use them shouldn't all the other agents be benched this anti-fungal spray can freeze and disable any security system any any security system any does he know what he just said any security system any any looks that they put you up in the carlton i get the idea of keeping a low profile while undercover but i'm sure paris has plenty of options that are less fancy but don't also give off the bathroom from saw vibe well i'll make a habit of doing things that people say i can't do like convincingly becoming a hero in a movie franchise where the previous film he blew up a hospital full of adult children well scratch the convincingly part i was just trying to be nice because i forgot who i was this arm has been ripped off completely and reattached with this arm okay fine this jason statham does chuck norris is pretty funny and statham is on point for the whole movie reluctance and removal for this the dude in charge of burning down an incriminating base of operations not only stands there to admire his work but also doesn't notice that he's being film for the world to see this would be an incriminatingly dumb move for a regular arsonist let alone an arms dealing terrorist collaborating arsonist was it your mission to tip up the target so he burns everything in his butt does every spine the cia have conversations this loudly and public about all their secret no wonder all the agents were uncovered i don't think reina even had to try that hard he looks like he's in the cast of newsies who's he's shaming nancy do you see that the arsonist conveniently showing up so you don't actually have to do any investigating susan yes i do see that and i don't like it he's got a friend i guess i should feel bad for susan getting out of here but she's the one running through the streets of paris screaming a cia agent's name so this is 100 on her even when this movie came out this reference to the band that won the 2007 eurovision song contest was eight years out of date it just leaves me wondering why even bother and what the hell is eurovision the stage doesn't have a single member of security preventing like this from happening i mean who wouldn't be mobbing the 2007 winner of the song of vision euro olympics dance contest i'm following him in what why is nancy so against this i know she doesn't want susan to get hurt but that picture gets to reina or deluca then there's an even greater chance susan will get hurt or kill this isn't an ideal situation but nancy should realize susan at least needs to try and get a hold of that picture be a better friend nancy this movie has some great running bits like the randomly placed mice in the office and jason statham acting like he's not in on the joke which makes it even more annoying that the majority of the movie plays out like a tired sitcom that is no longer relevant or funny this conveniently missing portion of fencing is extremely convenient well not for him stop showing me vomited movies god damn it susan doesn't have a concussion after this fall under concrete i was just testing the camera while also giving a vital clue to anyone who may get their hands on this camera to advance the plot of a movie that can't think of anything other than sheer dumb luck to propel its characters from scene to scene well there's the ten cats just missing a shirt that says i've never felt the touch of a man god damn this movie is all the offensive is it so hard to believe there are people who might just like cats and perhaps don't want to feel the touch of a man i am those people also how exactly does this even qualify as a change in disguise you just grab my butt based on this display of what we think happens in rome i'm not shocked the italians hate americans i don't have a gun i am just aroused from looking at you i love peter serafinowicz as much as the next person but character of aldo has dialed up at least 11 notches too many especially for an undercover agent that he may or may not be okay i'm going offline nancy wait wait wait because there's no way i will need any help at all as i infiltrate this group of dangerous terrorist collaborators they just rub that rubbing someone's scalp without their explicit consent i don't see you on the list i'm so sorry she's with me which raises the question after quitting the cia how did he get on the list let me guess he disguised himself as sir michael caine grew an extra dick on his leg and cocked it his way into the party either everyone in this movie is terrible at their job or susan is a magnet for shady people doing shady things forget her training her most valuable asset so far has been dumbfucking luck [Music] reina has one two three four five six guards around her you'd think at least one of the would be personally tasked with tracking her beverage from bottle to gullet i don't want your drink what the did she threaten him with that would convince him to down this drink he knows is poisonous being in the rest of the movie christo was supposed to be looking after me at the bar and making sure nobody put anything in my drinks so one of them was on drink duty did it not occur to her that he might find the task rather difficult when she spotted him not at the bar you know i once saw someone eat one of these before only in a movie would susan be presented with food that looks exactly like a hand towel she attempted to eat earlier because we just gotta really hammer home how naive she is it's susan she's sending a code something she wouldn't have to do if she hadn't taken her earpiece out for no goddamn reason if you ever feel like you have been poisoned chew one of these maybe it would have been a good idea to keep the pills closer at least when you're most at risk of being poisoned like when you're drinking a glass of champagne presented to you by a woman that you know has already killed an agent i can't say it's impossible that this apple would be the only thing to be sucked up despite being surrounded by other similar fruit that seem entirely unaffected by the same laws of physics but i am going to say it's about as likely as getting through the rest of this movie with no additional sense that was weird okay it's one thing to let the convenience of movie magic save the day but to have your protagonist observe it as well firmly puts this in the realm of bugs bunny [Music] susan is now pulling plane schematics from her memory and guess i know susan is supposed to be very skilled at what she does but she's not a superhero oh god one of these dead is just pants this movie is getting a sequel you and your bullet accent can land this plane by yourself how are you going to land the plane susan i'm the person that's going to cut your dick off and glue it to your forehead so you look like a limp unicorn okay susan's switch to wisecracking badass is pretty awesome i am stunned rayna has lasted as long as she has in the arms dealing game because these are the most obvious hidden cameras i've ever seen you want to hide that the flower behind a two-way mirror in the tv my college girlfriend never found any of mine what are you doing here elaine wanted to know exactly what you're up to so i tracked your earpiece they sent me here to find you what i realized they don't want to put the exposed agents in harm's way but they sent nancy you want me to have cagney lacy explain it to you cagney and lacy references in 2015. and now for a car chase that has about as much attention and entertainment value is watching me try to catch toast at the exact second it pops out of the toaster and no i will not be streaming that on twitch this bullsh motorbike that is barely a scooter is able to get through this wet concrete and still be drivable susan is able to keep her cover from being blown even after all this nanciness happens curry stops now nope this still has about 40 minutes left excuse me do you know if there's a popeye's chicken around here melissa mccarthy's husband is in a melissa mccarthy movie that he didn't direct cliche [Music] if susan is this good of a shot why hasn't she taken out a tire before now and i'm sorry about this too susan decides the best way to avoid a sniper is to drive out in the open on a scooter i've already contacted the agency oh come on this man is apparently the cia's only asset in italy which makes even less sense when we find out he works for mi6 you look like a perverted bus driver susan cooper would be the number one spot at cinema since all right cooper i've got this under control will people please stop calling the undercover spies by their actual names leah finds a great spot to hide and immediately negates that advantage by revealing herself in the loudest way possible the salad tossing works which is not a sentence i expected to say twice this week maybe this is on me but i just didn't come into the spy spoof mentally prepared to see a knife going through a hand in slow motion and in excruciating detail you are under arrest by susan cooper in the government of the united states i've checked and this is the only time in the history of policing that anyone has ever referred to themselves in the third person while making an arrest which makes this the dumbest way that susan could have possibly given herself away to reina not to mention totally unnecessary for the plot we would have just assumed that fine exposed her why are we so determined to make this protagonist as dumb as possible while also impossibly smart when needed poor little pathetic susan coleman well that's not my last name so it's really not much of a burn is it cooping this incorrect name calling goes on for all the some time like i'd waste a bullet on you put her in the room sure keep her alive for no other reason than bullet economy oh and while you're taking the dumb ass pills make sure to keep her in the same room as her accomplice there's no way that could possibly backfire why is aldo still alive if she was willing to kill susan i don't know why reyna would leave aldo alive this long and i can't imagine fine would fight for his life the way he is for susan i hated to do it to you coop but i had to i had to reina knew all about our agents cause karen walker sold soldier the names let's talk about the good guy's plan fine somehow found out that karen was selling cia agents identities to reyna instead of telling anyone about this breach he decided to seduce reina and convince her that he was also willing to betray the cia all while allowing karen to roam free and put multiple agents at risk and expecting everyone to believe that he's still a good guy fine i mean great i mean bullsh hello bound lady scene does not contain jennifer tilly or gina gershon my penis may be gently kissing the back of your head this movie has a seven out of ten rating on imdb luckily for susan ronaldo there were no guards outside their room there were seriously no guards outside the room nick spiver and susan knows how to get into this car without damaging it and hotwire it because of course she does still not as as learning how to land a plane on the fly but still pretty bullshitty for someone who hasn't been in the field for 10 years movie becomes a bmw commercial for the next 30 seconds we've seen some pretty unbelievable in this movie but let's break down what susan would have to do to pull this off fine she's rigged the car to keep driving but she either also rigged it to somehow turn through these bends or she controlled the steering until the last second and jumped out of a car while it was out of sight and without a scratch on her or her clothing fine i mean great i mean bullsh also i think the designers of this car should really think about dialing in the sensitivity of the airbag trigger this could be in your best interest to keep fine and me alive i'm trying but i'm not quite following your logic me too buddy susan argues that because she's kept reyna alarm all this time that's enough reason to keep her and fine around for the exchange with duty it deluca will accept her logic despite having no bearing on why he needs them for the coming exchange other than maybe he just enjoys being reminded of the gilmore girls and overly stylized sherlock holmes adaptations enough with the where is the package this russian accent what the are you doing conducting business if this was to luca's plan all along it makes even less sense to keep susan and fine alive the whole reason susan gave him was that she knew how to deal with duty of but clearly deluca didn't need her help i have a buyer who's willing to pay me 500 million euros for it and duty of would have never been able to get that bomb onto american soil i can see him being motivated by the extra cash but what the does he care if the nuke is used or not of course this is to make him extra evil but this is like mcdonald's refusing to sell me 10 big mac meals unless i send proof of consumption they really don't give a sh as long as i've paid them it's just cleaner that way you understand explain it to me luca ford inexplicably waits for deluca to say something that he can have a quippy reply to and loudly announce his entrance instead of doing literally anything else that an actual spy would do deluca has six guards around him and all of them do all as susan pushes reyna out of the way grabs a gun and shoots their boss look they haven't even got their weapons drawn i'm struggling to understand why fine is standing by this pillar and not getting involved if he's worried about risking his cover story couldn't he pass off helping susan with these henchmen as defending reina pushing over why wouldn't she just tell rainey to shoot to luka that would be a lot quicker and more effective considering the scenario susan finds herself in tom cruise showed up this day to fill in for the helicopter stunt and it was weird because no one even called him or asked him to come sorry spy play time's over what is he waiting for here there's no reason for him to be quipping instead of shooting her other than other than nope i got nothing i don't even have anything sarcastic to say this movie has sucked the funny out of me this is the ugliest necklace i've ever seen yes it is and it's all yours with an adjustable model i bet you weren't expecting that call back were you no of course you weren't because that is one of the dumbest examples of foreshadowing ever put to film in fact chekhov's gun should now be renamed melissa's cupcake um actually i'm gonna workshop that a bit more susan will just as easily learn to fly this helicopter as she did the plane earlier because this movie doesn't give a about the details the is this guy nice capture where'd you get it it's 50 cents i had to deputize him to let us use it susan and nancy are able to have a conversation between flying helicopters also somehow nancy drew here knew that susan's escape would culminate in a helicopter chase and knew to be in this exact spot way before anyone could have known that anything remotely like this was going down divers were able to find a nuclear device dropped into the middle of a huge lake this quickly hey you too i'm sorry i must have dozed off did i somehow miss the part where they're friends now when did that happen last i checked reyna was still guilty of attempting to sell nukes to terrorists i spy with my bored little eye and then i erase the erasers you've just been erased you know he could have got me a vcr he could have got me a set of golf clubs but no he has to get me the woman repeller i thought i was gonna make this amazing spy i'm just the same boring person i was before i mean i don't think it's weird making fruit friends all the souls i have encountered this was the most human here's what we do i go into the face-off machine get a whole new face do you have quarters cause it costs 50 cents i'd like to take his his face off now what are you doing in here you are completely compromising me right now the minute he gets involved you can kiss goodbye to any finesse because she-hulk here only knows how to smash six months without eyesight while everybody you've ever left has come down that's exactly why i hate working with you it's your voice it's your nasally prepubescent harry potter voice i've been driving in lincoln since long before anybody paid me to drive one bobby kind of ollie

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 319,261

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review

Id: EQ2vwCR7RbI

Length: 20min 32sec (1232 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 27 2022