Everything Wrong With Ruby Gilman, Teenage Kraken In 19 Minutes or Less

[Music] Comcast DreamWorks decided to open their masturbatory franchise flyby with the 2022 instant classic that was the bad guys also and for all time the boss baby Comcast times 2 the ocean is a Mysterious World J fond even the ones you have imagined you you've imagined them wrong narrator tells me to forget everything I think I know cliche which is an extra bucket of hypocritical hilarity in a movie that wouldn't recognize an original story beat of Disney bludgeoned it to death with one the sea will always need a kraken and a kraken will always answer the call Will that Kracken remove the microplastics and trash from the ocean because that's the sort of hero it really needs RP ocean life you are doomed Ruby's curtains are pointlessly see-through her retainer water is perched on a stack of books and and her work area isn't ergonomically correct even for a creature with no skeleton and another thing her shark toy is lifted by bed bugs and moved across the bed between shots this room is dumb if this is Ruby's room wouldn't it make more sense if this conveniently placed title card was on the outside of the door Junior Prom is the sacred right of every human teenager this expositional dump is all about how important Society thinks Junior Prom is which is an outstanding waste of Animation considering the next 20 minutes are dedicated to exactly the same I need to be there so that I can blend in if blending in is the goal maybe start by hiding the ear fence our family is not allowed in the ocean ever a lot of these rules are just more specific variations of the don't touch the sea Rule and this one here is just a terrible punt also also and most importantly dissing the oronoko flow but the prom booat is on the water why why would a school risk this chinger high school kids almost Die daily just by walking on a regular flooor let alone while it is floating on the water listen the animation style in Puss and Boots The Last Wish was ref refreshingly unique and freaking gorgeous but don't push youring luck DreamWorks putting your jelly legs on the table this is a make or break moment I'm selling an entire development but Mom you're you're what already successful already good at your job passionate aggressively Warrior esque and shouldn't have a party this movie is so vague I genuinely have no idea what the writers intended me to assume also does Ruby always have this clip ready to go at this exact place in case of expositional emergencies or is it just when there's an audience to spoon feed she got us our dream home and I'm not asking how Lady they made an entire movie in a global recession about it you should want to know how I was going to applaud this Twitches chat stream for being wholesome but then the movie decided to go for a jab and implied that you have to live in a basement to enjoy streaming that is not the case there's just better soundproofing down here I mean down there also for a family trying to blend into a quiet Seaside town and use I'm Canadian as a coverup for being blue and only having three fingers they sure are showcasing their Oddities to the entire world by streaming aren't they wow you two are quite the power couple you think that's great you're looking at The Undefeated dodgeball champ have these people just fing met why are they introducing their hobbies and passions to each other as if this is some sort of corporate icebreaking exercise you each landed one parenting eye for an eye style humans don't know everything about the ocean Ruby's Mom isn't wrong the human that wrote this book knows so little about the ocean that they had to fill these pages with Laura mum time to go with all that food on the table holy sh these Krakens have the power to instantly put all food back in the fridge and wash every dish let's all have a verye human day and nothing says totally natural and human like standing in a perfect line and posing to face an audience you shouldn't know is there she BW I'm from Canada he oh that totally makes sense this excuse is ridiculous but fortunately for the Gilman family everyone in this town is extremely Canada racist I've got my eye on you Gilman girl Ruby does not immediately report this creepy old to the authorities and what is the most liberated food out there guys I'm talking fondue is this movie attempting to be smart by saying melted cheese is the most liberated food does no one know that ice cream was illegal to eat in the streets until Clint Eastwood freed the sweet treat from the confines of carmel's outdated laws now that is a story of edible Liberation once Margot was going with Kayla Trev said oh well should we just go together in a shocking story turn all of Ruby's friends ditch their pledge to ditch prompt so Ruby can feel all the dejected feelings and eventually be peer pressured into disobeying her parents these people are not your friends Ruby that movie should stop telling real world kids that they are unless there's a tragic accident giving so F about your movie that your side characters entire backgrounds are just has colorful hair likes to game and is Wednesday Adams enough with the fun do we eat a lot of cheese using a negative tone of voice while talking about the greatest thing to come out of the cow before the hamburger and Indiana Jones's whip also one of the reasons I hate animated movies is that the most mundane idea is animated like it's being delivered by Jim car's love child with Stretch Armstrong like there's no reason that this comment about eating cheese should appear this dramatic this is prom and I really want to be a part of it it's like Margo was forgetting that going to prom was not the plan until she had a date and then changed her mind changing her mind is fine but acting like rubby is the issue here is not look at a prom step one you're going to need a prom posal also for a group of people that seem to be designed to hate events like prom they sure do readily Embrace ridiculous Traditions like prom posing prom posers I could maybe give this part of the movie a pass but it really seems like Ruby and friends enter this homeall way and this is not a dream sequence this is apparently really happening and that is scary this kid is jumping out of a trash can disguised as a whale are there no limits in this universe and where did they find the clean trash can in a junior high school maybe I abandon this whole ask your dream guide a prompt thing thing I've been asking Coming of Age movies to do since the 80s finally makes it into a movie but is ultimately ignored I refuse to believe the kids synchronize the direction of their locker arrows after every use kids arell L's ass is at eye level and in the next shot she's descending a path of woven arms from on high where absolutely no one would have been on eye level with her booty I spot little Mr skater boy here his skateboard sank into the water how did she know he was a skater I mean he is but she couldn't have known that now I'm not much of a swimmer yeah she hates swimming so much that she manages to rescue Connor without getting a single droplet of water on her and nobody thinks this is strange no teacher immediately yells for her to get down from there in this scene all right everyone show's over let's get back to class I mean sure yeah kid almost died and probably needs medical attention but let's focus on the impromptu popularity production that just ended instead oh you've picked a great place to raise a kid she says before revealing that this house has a floating fireplace for the little one to play with and learn all about how skin heals after being branded this closed library's doors are still unlocked no one is crushed to death in this scene she's coming for me this guy's first instinct is to record himself right rather than visual proof that a massive Kraken exists no one has crushed death in this scene either I want to see death you were saying you wanted a built-in grill and that is built in oh man I get to be Grill Master again we've been introduced to two adult men so far both of whom can be characterized as liking to grill I understand that Mom is focused on getting to her girl but her eyes are on the road basically never during the sequence and it's infuriating gr are you okay yeah why wouldn't I be I just hit you with a car I guess BR probably used fishy instincts to find Agatha but why did he decide to hide under a bunch of leaves and risk her finding him by way of a hideous car accident that could have killed her this is exactly why she wasn't supposed to go into the ocean uh then why would you live next to it Grill would be wetel in at Cinema sense do you remember when you found that whale on the beach you mean Clarence J wherton how could I forget probably because it's a stupid ass nickname that the movie thinks is in Dearing through sheer Randomness alone instead of trying to be legitimately funny or clever like whal Smith Oprah ffre am Hayek Gilly R sish Alexander Herring Leonardo Di carpia yes I'm normal fortunately this transformation comes equipped with some sort of marsupial honor pocket so that all Ruby's clothes can be stored perfectly dry and then reapplied when she returns to normal size uh it release the Kraken somehow Brill had a noise maker and confetti at the ready and I'm not sure anyone can trust a person who enters a home and finds these items within 12 seconds I turned into a giant Kraken too what what you knew yep she knew all along and still decided to live by the Sea look lady live by the Sea if you have to but the trade-off should be that you have to prepare your daughter for the fact that she will turn into a freaking Kaiju in the extremely likely event that she will be wed it how was she ever expecting to keep the secret from her no matter how long you stare at these buttons and tell yourself if they are buttoned correctly it will fix the pattern you will not find a way to fix the pattern if you stay on dry land you'll stay small and on two legs unless you're in a library though I guess or was that transformation an emotionally triggered release that Mom somehow knows nothing about what are the rules explain to me how Ruby's globby fingers can precisely text anything on that tiny curved keyboard and don't get me started on the widget installed on her phone that makes group texts appear as the background of the home screen your body is going through changes think of it as blossoming teenage girl who loves math dealing with a changing body check transforming into a giant monster as a metaphor for said change check oppressive mother who knew this was a possibility all along but didn't say anything check yep that's three totally original Concepts that no movie in 2022 also dealt with and I hear DreamWorks is changing its name to Psy dixar next year I struggle to believe even the most Avid prom fan would have this generic ass prom poster in their room let alone Ruby who's supposed to think it's a post Colonial patriarchal construct I can't keep waiting for answers I know we're going for the whole it's a sign here but if these lamps are light sensitive shouldn't the ones furthest away from Town come on first because it's darker over there there's really no reason a sign from Beyond can't also be rooted in logic asking me to believe the GS wouldn't have already eaten everything out of this trash clam there's no way I'm getting you out of the water now is there well follow me Uncle Buck decides to give up instead of singing Ruby a song about responsibility how she should just wait to be Queen yes it would have been another hey ripping off Disney sin but what movie wouldn't benefit from 100% more zazzer Clarence J wierton I'm so glad you made it I told you before that's not my name Uncle Brill being in the ocean is more wonderful than anything I could imagine being a 15-year-old with an imagination this limited welcome to the kingdom of the Krakens and then we're shown one underwhelming structure just one so if it's only the women that turn into a giant Kraken and the men all stay comparatively small how do they you know mingle tentacles or how big are those freaking eggs that the men have to well sprinkle earlier I said this movie is a Coming of Age story and now she's swimming in seen and I didn't see that coming the women in our family have been gifted the mighty power to turn into giant Kraken how did that happen What evolutionary Advantage is there in being able to take on a Loosely bipedal form in the event of a 15-year landbased temper tantrum is up with this floaty trophy room with defeated monsters are they dead and stuffed are they animatronic and sort of Light Up On Queue and discount Ursula points to them are they here purely for us the viewer or storytelling prompts it's the last one mes are selfish vain narcissists with mediocre hair pot meat Kettle M also you don't have to say vain narcissists vanity is implied when you are a narcissist why does this Kingdom have entire rooms dedicated to visual assists for this story all to play human nearly giving involuntary laser eye surgery to your granddaughter before asking if she has a prescription you have laser eyes well it's electrically charged bioluminescence yeah that doesn't explain it half as much as the movie thinks it does you are not a human who turns into a kraken you're a kraken hiding as a human semantics you're just going to let her go more importantly let her go without an escort home how are they assuming Ruby has a built-in GPS bye Clarance still not my name kid crio F me Beauties Captain Ahab here is definitely being painted as the bad guy but why he's trying to rid the Seas of a kraken that he knows destroyed the library and has every reason to believe is a threat to the people of Oceanside he is the good guy here people because I'm a mother flipping mermaid but why does she have the ability to grow legs why is the ocean creating these so very oddly specific monstrosities surprise it's a bomb balls he cold open to the shareholders meeting that took place immediately after this movie's opening weekend somehow makes it into the script Bye Mom love you make good choices I always find it strange when a parent figure has a struggling kid and they opt to watch them walk away instead of going with them like the mom could drive Ruby to school for some extra Hang Time right your child just unexpectedly transformed into a giant monster and killed all her classmates beneath the weight of her glowy tentacles this is the time to be present okay so the death of her classmates part isn't exactly true but it should be you need a super sea girl ditch day okay let's do it it is mere hours after her grandmother told her about how evil mermaids are and how her own mother fought in a war against them and yet Ruby is ready to ditch school and become besties with the First mermaid she meets she isn't conflicted for even a second this bread is fuing thick I need any Able Body man woman or child to help crew my vessel saying vessel with your tongue between your teeth she sent her small child on A Dangerous Mission with a crazed Captain okay so the mom really is the villain in this movie Brill survives this and the captain never questions it show me how to use my Powers Oh I thought you'd never ask it's time for a rocky s training montage which pulls double duty by by being unoriginal and completely missing the point the training montages are supposed to be about seeing the hero conquer adversity it's hard to root for Ruby when we all know her dumbass is helping the villain how do you shut them off not making the answer to that question step one of your laser eye lesson freak from the deep shows up I'm supped to you're cracking hiding as a human conveniently timed self-doubt spiral conveniently causes Ruby to literally spiral there once was a ship that put trying to trick talk your young audience into liking your movie no one sees the glowing dog thing returned to life and lick the kid what the did Connor do wrong you shot him in the face with a confetti cannon caused him to nearly drown ditched him for your new mermaid friend and now you're straight up rejecting his calls Ruby sucks inserting a crusted meat tube into someone's orifice without explicit consent I sacrificed everything to give you this fake life expecting your child or anyone to be grateful for a sacrifice they didn't ask you to make I fight for my family skip there is no no Chelsea I am narissa surpris Chelsea is evil but holy gills how did she come up with this plan so quickly she either had all of this lined up and ready to go for the second Ruby fell in the water and made the call or Ruby fell in the ocean and within seconds Chelsea came up with the secret identity and rolled at the school so she could make friends with Ruby all in time to claim credit for rescuing Connor I'm a flipping mermaid narissa straight up stabs Ruby in the arm with the almighty weapon of mass CE destruction and it doesn't even leave a puncture wound what the does this thing actually do why should I care that she has it no one invited Conor to the prom but he decided to come along and mope anyway no one should feel sorry for him he brought this on himself that's my wife what but if she's a and and you're her that means he has a huge CCH lucky for me mermaids don't age unluckily for you that won't stop me from sitting how convenient that happens to be for the purposes of your make everyone think I'm my own daughter plan well I hope you both put up more of a fight and Ruby and then they cut away show me the battle what happened DreamWorks decided to animate everything underwater with basically no lighting so it's impossible to enjoy that's what I should have just gone home like she said gone back to hiding and stayed small what no Ruby that's not what your mom meant that is exactly what her mom meant and everyone would be better if brillet died by Harpoon earlier I may not know a lot about a lot but I know my sister true but you know very little about the woman she's become in the 15 years since you last saw her I could never understand why she chose to leave the ocean I've spent less than 80 minutes with you dude and I can already see why she left why is this party boat hanging out watching monsters fight in the ocean the captain of this vessel whom we were assured would save lives if needed in the PowerPoint presentation earlier sure seemed to be around now what is she doing answering the call but that doesn't mean she has to answer it alone go help her out you the movie made a mistake when it's been so so much time bragging about laser eyes and then showed me a battle where Ruby is clearly saving the laser eyes for later which is dumb blast the Beast and end this horrible movie some of this beautiful animation deserves to be in a movie I don't hate got us a little mermaid baby but she's still super powerful right the Trident was a powerful weapon sure but she's still a giant Kaiju of a beast so why did she suddenly transform back into a tiny mermaid and if we're saying the Trident makes her Hulk out then why the heck didn't she shrink when she lost the tridon earlier I think you can still make the last dance after this after this horrible tragedy in which many people absolutely must have died the dance is still going what a mother knows best if there happens to be a single lesson I've accidentally learned from this movie it's that that is by no means a sure thing now we're in the deep blue did this dress come from wait Connor are these quadratic derivative graphs oh something around here is derivative but it ain't the graphs OMG are you live streaming my hair is terrible now how many likes are we getting now this would have made sense if narissa was actually a vapid teenager but she was pretending so she'd blend in right she's actually a grown ass woman who's had her 15 years in the making plan foiled by a mathly teenager she should be furious right now I'm sorry but the admittedly classic real in the fish dance move seems somewhat insensitive given the species you're performing it with I'm taking dodge ball to a whole new level that's a misleading way of saying my lack of a skeleton gives me a massively unfair advantage over all the competition the ocean will always need a kraken and a kraken will always answer the call unless poor Word of Mouth results in no one coming to see their movie in which case the call Will kind of just get forgotten about I would have rather had a catch in my mouth than have eaten that any further something about tentacles got it on your mark get wait wait not something about them it's all about them as a kraken who is barely pulling off this whole human thing I need to be there so that I can blend in and as a proud athlete I know that to find a potential solution I have to evaluate the problem Ruby you're a princess address the crowd I'm really no good at speech making uh normally I get so nervous that I I I faint or run away or um sometimes I even get sick is there bar in this place or are we in one of those religio cult towns if you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball when I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 454,723

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, ruby, gillman, teenage, kraken, ruby gillman, teenage kraken, ruby gillman teenage kraken, ruby gillman teenage kraken movie review, ruby gillman teenage kraken movie reaction, ruby gillman teenage kraken movie explained, animated, animation, ruby gillman teenage kraken cinema sins, ruby gillman teenage kraken sins, video essay, teenage kraken final battle, teenage kraken promo, film

Id: YgXtDPHD-sQ

Length: 19min 46sec (1186 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 23 2024