Ego of Being Gifted ft. AdeptTheBest

i know what i'm capable of and i know what i want to achieve i don't want to live within your boundaries anymore and so that's where the name of death the best came from wow i'm going to need a second to process all that um welcome thank you how are you good how are you i'm doing well today i actually got some work done this morning so i feel pretty good about it well good job i'm proud of you thank you how are you doing today uh good i just woke up so came over got my hair makeup done a little bit and now i'm ready um cool and and so what do you go by like a dip a dab dab okay yeah and and is there something in particular uh we were on scuffed podcasts together a couple months ago so yeah for a bit yeah yeah um yeah i remember you said some really insightful stuff about mental health oh thank you oh yeah i remember actually we did touch on the topic a little bit yeah um so i'm excited to get a chance to kind of talk to you more is there something in particular you wanted to talk about today yeah um i was in the gifted and talented education program very early on i think they um the official test began in the third grade and i noticed actually pretty quickly that my interest in school declined a lot in about fifth grade so it wasn't long after and the only actual passion that i had was the gifted and talented program after school but all meanwhile during school it was like it was just a real struggle for me to stay interested okay and then um it only got worse about sixth to eighth grade i actually didn't technically graduate middle school but i did progress on to the ninth grade um i wasn't held back and then i dropped out of school officially in the 11th grade like i think we were two weeks into the semester and i just told my parents like look it's not looking good and they're like okay um and just to give you some more information um my brother also dropped out of high school and he's older than me and so my parents were like okay like we're not going to let the same path happened twice you know like we need to find new options and and they knew how gifted and bright that i really was so they really you know struggled with the idea of me dropping out they were like we just don't get it you're you're just lazy like what's going on something's wrong so um i ended up going to continuation school from there which is more of like in if there's a teacher there and you go for about four hours a day and they kind of guide you like okay here are your packets for the week when you come back you'll get half a credit blah blah blah and then that ended up not working for me either so i dropped out of that and i actually went to adult school at the age of 17 and there they had a program for non-adults to achieve a ged when they turned 18. um and in that class i finally met um you know a teacher that recognized what my struggle really was and and he was like man you really don't need this class he's like you're just not old enough to take the test so what he had me do was tutor kids one-on-one in the back of the class that were about to take their tests soon and i would prepare them and get them ready for their tests and answer any questions that they had while he was teaching everyone else and i loved it and i think if it wasn't for that class i wouldn't have gone to college which my only option at the time was community college and i went over there and i excelled and i loved it and i embraced college a lot and um i ended up dropping out though to come back to streaming because at the time i was like this is what i really want it's here i'm not gonna miss it but that was also a struggle for me because it really made me feel like man am i really dropping out because i'm afraid of school or am i dropping out because of streaming you know like it was it was a real battle because i had dropped out of school so many times um but i ended up just going for it and not letting that hold me back and i'm really happy that i did and i actually still plan on possibly going back at least for a few classes even if it's just you know learning new hobbies new techniques um i'm really into education and and i do like um you know teaching myself new things and and being taught by a teacher i love being taught i think it's great i've got a sneeze coming perfect wow that was such a great um narrative adapt i i thought it was um and so how are you feeling nowadays um i i mean like that's a hard question for me because i haven't been in school for so long so i don't know if you mean like school-wise i'm like uh nothing you know like i'm happy with the choice that i made is what i guess i could say there um i feel very grateful every day to just be alive and um i feel grateful that i have this job that i have and and that i have a home to do my job in and and that's you know my family's good i'm good health for now so it's a lot to be grateful for yeah okay that's uh so it sounds like you're pretty grateful and and you really appreciate the opportunities you've been given you're grateful for some of the choices you made you know choosing to be a little bit of a misfit to society when it was the right time to do so yeah i think that's really common for us on twitch because sort of society doesn't really work for us in some ways um yeah is there is there anything that you kind of want to focus on or sort of try to learn a little bit more about or understand a little bit better about yourself um honestly i wanted to just have a full open discussion with you about kind of that whole narrative that i talked to you about because you know along the way there were there were a lot of points where i was just very lost and confused because i was so smart it's like so bright and i i could pick up topics so quickly so easily um and i always try and use my my stream my twitter everything to kind of give insight for kids that were just as lost as i am because i i couldn't at the time comprehend why i couldn't just do the work like i i okay so there was actually i mean i'm just gonna recall even a day in high school where there was this girl in my class she she just knew that i had these abilities and i think most of the kids knew but they just kind of assumed i was a [ __ ] up like they didn't understand why i wouldn't do the work either um because i always had the answers but i couldn't do the work i couldn't sit there for hours and hours on on end and just do the work and um there was a girl in my class one time and she goes can you just teach me how to do all this and i was like sure yeah i'll walk you through the whole worksheet that's fine and i sat there and i taught her everything and and one thing i love to do especially when it comes to school and classes is always find a way to teach people in a language that they understand because a lot of the times i felt like um you know when my when my peers weren't getting it it's because the teacher had only explained it in one way and they couldn't fully grasp it and they didn't know how to make it their own so that they could understand it so i would like sit there and walk them through that as long as i had to until they understood it and then um she just looked at me and she's like man i wish i had your brain and that's like something that really engraved in my head because i i didn't want to take this brain for granted ever and it's it's always kind of been like a like a motivating factor for me to not completely what feels like wasting my brain because a part of me is kind of sad that i didn't achieve great like scholarly tasks with with the brain that i had because i was always ahead of track until i was way behind track and so that was like a really tough battle for me internally how did it feel when she asked you for help do you remember that's a beautiful story by the way thank you um it just felt i don't know it was just like hey can you help me and i was like oh yeah sure i i really didn't get feelings about it until she was like i wish i had your brain because i was like man that's true not everyone you know can you comprehend that when she said that um it was just like an eye opener um it made me feel it like almost just questioning everything like am i wasting it am i doing what i should be doing what like why am i it it made me feel good and bad it was very bittersweet good and bad at the same time i can imagine um so i'm noticing that there's a lot of bittersweetness through sort of your story right like yeah um being gifted i mean you sound to me like you know when you're one of these characters that like during character creation picks up like a negative talent for extra points and then picks up a positive talent so you're kind of mid-maxed i don't know if that sort of makes sense but you're kind of blessed and cursed yeah at the same time yeah it's always felt that way a bit um and and so help i'm curious adapt have you ever been evaluated by a psychologist or a psychiatrist for like learning issues or adhd or anything like that no um never but i do have my first appointment coming so i'm really excited about that because i do think that i i have one of the few that you just listed off yeah that's good so i i was just going to say i think a lot of times when i hear these sorts of stories um you know there's a lot of stuff around specifically adhd and kids i'm curious how big was your uh do you do you remember how big your class sizes were like in the third grade fifth grade yeah i think we had about 35 i would say as our average 35 kids per class so that's actually a little bit high you know there's an interesting correlation the larger the class sizes the more likely children are to be diagnosed with adhd and it's pretty linear so like um you know if you have like you know 20 kids in the class and one of them has adhd if you have 40 kids in the class you're actually gonna have four kids get diagnosed with adhd so five percent of the class will be diagnosed when you have 20 kids and and you know 10 will be diagnosed when you've got 40 kids and it's kind of interesting because what we've really found is that um when you have a super smart kid and you can kind of give them attention at their own pace they won't get diagnosed with adhd but the more that you ask kids to conform to like a particular worksheet done in a particular time the more likely people are to get diagnosed with adhd right you're not that yeah because that makes me think of um okay so to dive a little deeper and explain a little more um when i was very young before i ever started going to school my dad sat with me and did hooked on phonics with me i think every single day and by the time i went to preschool i mean i was like the teacher's helper because they couldn't teach me anything they were just there to kind of like babysit us at that point but they were teaching the other kids and and i was progressed and i was very far kindergarten same thing um just very very progress very ahead of pace but then in first grade and i lived in a different town than where i lived most of my life they didn't the kindergarten teacher made notes and she she met with other teachers the principal whoever whatever she did she was very caring in that sense um to look out for me because she recognized that i was just way ahead of pace and so they would have me go and do math and literature in the second and third grade classes when i was in first and second grade they'd always have they'd always make sure that i was up in the like core classes and that helped me a lot because i was like i i felt like in school i always needed to be learning something new or i was just like out of it i i didn't want to pay attention um or i would try to and i just couldn't i would zone out it'd be gone um but then in the third grade is when we moved to a new city and here they're like oh our schools are better than the schools that they have in that town so we're just going to keep her all in these classes and blah blah blah so the third grade felt like i had repeated it for the second to third time then fourth grade felt even worse and um it just kind of almost at that point felt like torture like you know when they show those movies in the montages and the kids like the kid starts from here then they slowly sink down and sink down and that's that's what elementary school and middle school felt like to me like it was just a montage passing by of symbols on the board that were the same symbols that i saw every year if that makes sense for you so it sounds like you were really stagnating yeah i i tell people this now i say it a little less because i'm older and i i i don't like people's reaction to it because they almost don't believe me but i feel like i haven't learned that many new things since the second grade that teacher that school taught me so many things and even though you add on to those as years go by don't get me wrong you do add on to them you do it does become a little more complex but all of those core things that they taught me i didn't learn anything completely new like just to back that up i failed every single english class after the third grade every single english class was a complete zero in the book but every single high school exam exit exam college entrance college exit was always placed in the highest bracket always but i never did an essay past the third grade technically unless it was a test like that the big state test yeah how do you understand that adept what do you mean how do you understand why you weren't able to do essays like you like it's such a discrepancy right having a bunch of apps on the books and doing really well on on all the standardized measurements the way that i understand it was just i mean when i look back on it a big thing for me was they wanted me to sit there in class follow along do the worksheets which i would i mean i'd follow along as much as i could but then they'd also want me to go home and spend hours at home and then do the essays at home which is where most of your essays had to be done um unless they were on an exam so i just think that i lack the discipline if the teacher was not there making me do the repetitive stuff i couldn't make myself do the repetitive stuff unless it was like an exit exam where i wanted to do well because i don't want to be stuck there i want to exit um so that's what that was like my driving factor like okay i need to do this so that i can prove that i am ready to progress yeah so i'm noticing a couple of themes so let me just toss those out and then i've got some questions for you so the first is that you know there's a whole lot of ahead and behind ahead in some ways behind in other ways um and and i think that sort of goes to the bitter sweetness of it right like that there's an out like you're clearly gifted in some angles but you also seem to be like um really struggling or even handicapped when it comes to others um where where it's sort of like and i don't mean that in in terms of disabilities but i mean like like you're hamstrung right like like there's some things like some situations in which it seems like you can't leverage what your gifts are to produce something another thing that i'm noticing is that you know it's interesting because it seems like you really excel at being individually taught and also excel at teaching others so as as long as you know you're teaching or it's kind of weird because like even though you're failing the class it seems like you can also tutor other kids in the material it was always that way yeah and and so that you know i i just i'm not quite sure um where those are going to go but i just kind of want to lay those out i think a couple another interesting thing is that um you know i heard you kind of mention this that you know you assumed that maybe you were a [ __ ] up maybe um you'd wasted a lot of time you're not sure if you wasted time you're not sure if it was the right thing you're kind of grateful for where things are now at times it seems like you really had a lot of self-judgment or or maybe people judged you for your performance i'm hearing that a lot in your story and so i was hoping to kind of ask you some questions about that sort of stuff but are there any themes that um you know you think are particularly important or that you want to spend more time on or anything that i missed no that that all is pretty aligned with how i felt and and you do point out certain things like especially the judgment on myself and the judgment from others one of the things i've tried to overcome in my adulthood is overcoming those bad negative doubts and and judgments that i i received a [ __ ] ton of it in middle school and high school from teachers the way that these teachers would put me they would be so mad at me for being in that they actually like one of the teachers went out of her way to make sure i was taken out of the program at a certain point because she was mad that i was failing her class and i remember that that like really bothered me as a kid because i'm like it's the one thing at school that i enjoy that i get to do and you're taking it because you're mad that you know about the class stuff whatever but at that point i had given up on on school and i was just like you know whatever do what you got to do i don't really give a [ __ ] that's fine um but deep down it was it was this big struggle of like man she really went out of her way to be that small and petty and this same exact teacher one day i was in her class and we were working it was like a free day working in groups and she's over at the front of the class on her desk me and my group were in the back doing our work and we're all doing our work but we start laughing and i'm laughing with the other four kids laughing and she goes samantha dude here you are laughing you're never gonna be anything in life this is why you're never gonna amount to anything and i was like and i just looked at my friends and i just looked back at her and i just started laughing because i was like holy [ __ ] does she even know why we're live does she know what we're talking about does she know anything i mean some of these these teachers and i i have encountered a lot of bad ones but not to say that i didn't encounter some amazing ones but these bad teachers i mean did not help my path in any way shape or form and as an adult now i look back on them and and i it's like shame on them like that's disgusting the type of things to say that to a kid and there was another teacher in high school um i didn't turn in an assignment one day and he goes well the world's always going to need garbage men aren't we and he said that very loud so that the class could hear it and i was like i mean yeah who's gonna pick up your garbage you know but and i always had to overcome these things that just because these authoritative figures are telling me it does not mean that it's true and now in my adulthood i i constantly um learn those behaviors i try to learn why someone said that to me and i'm glad that i know now that most of time most of the time those things come from within those teachers had their own issues and maybe shouldn't be in the positions that they're in if they're gonna treat kids that way and those had nothing to reflect on me and who i am and what i'm capable of because when i was a kid i did start to believe them at some point yeah i'm noticing they said a lot of devastating things yeah and actually the the teacher that told me i was going to be a garbage man was one of my ap classes that the school kind of had to put me in because i tested into it and i don't think he ever liked me for that because he he felt like i didn't work my way into it or whatever i tested into it sure so i'm also kind of noticing that you're the you're the nail that sticks out of the wall that sometimes people want to hammer back into place yeah um yeah so adap that's kind of and i i assume your name is samantha yeah okay i just clarifying yeah i mean hmm let me think for a second is that okay yeah of course do you feel like people still try to take things away from you yeah can you tell us about that um i think that it's kind of common in people sometimes i do try to surround myself with people that are not this way but i do recognize when somebody feels some type of threat even if i'm not doing that and um i just pull back from them and then i'm like okay so first of all i'm just gonna cut you out you know like you're not gonna be near me but i i do recognize that people do try and and take things away like my confidence so a reason behind my name adept the best i my original gamer tag is only a debt that's what it's been since the beginning of time i'm like 10 years old okay but on twitch i i used to go by a.d underscore pt because the depth was already taken and i would notice a lot of people coming into my chat and just trying to [ __ ] on me constantly but i noticed that what made them even angrier and what what really made them confront themselves to a sense is when i wouldn't believe it when i wouldn't accept the things that they were telling me and so one day i was like you know what i need to rebrand because when you google ad underscore pt nothing comes up but like some weird stuff so i said what am i gonna do and one day i was watching tv and there was a guy and his name was like phillip duh best and he was on the hgtv show flipper flop and i was like man there's no way his real name is dub best like i refuse to this man went down to the courthouse and said yes sir i would like to be called the best and i go if that's not some self-confidence type of level that i want to be on i don't know what is so i was like you know what that's my rebranding name right there i'm going to be a depth the best and i'm just going to act like i'm literally the best at because i got tired of doubting myself because of these things you know these these statements and these these devastating i think you called it um like interactions with people like no i'm not gonna embrace that anymore i'm not gonna embrace your doubts and and your limitations because they're not my doubts and limitations i know what i'm capable of and i know what i want to achieve i don't want to live within your boundaries anymore and so that's where the name of deaf the best came from wow i'm going to need a second to process all that [Music] can you give me an example of so aside from sort of nebulous twitch chat is there a particular time more recently where you feel like people have sort of taken things away from you uh from twitch yeah like aside from like twitch chat specifically because i mean twitch hat shits on everybody right that's just how they show their love [Music] not in a super recent time so it's okay okay so it sounds like you've you've really gotten adept at cutting out toxicity from your life um yeah i think at this point i don't even give people the chance to become someone that takes something from me i mean i know that that might sound a little crazy because we're all people and some of that stuff's just bound to happen but um i'm not a person that has many friends i i think um i have a very odd perception on friendships as a whole can you help me understand that yeah so i don't feel like i'm somebody that needs friends i come from a very large family um i i have a mom and dad that love me a lot that are my best friends so i talk to them a lot i have um you know brothers sisters cousins i just have so many people that have shown me what real love is that when i find friends that are not about real love and support i don't want anything because why do we need to be friends then like my brain can't comprehend why do i need to be friends with you if you can't show me real love like because i i do nothing but real love to people if i if there's somebody that i feel like i don't necessarily like or love i just try to avoid them i i don't go out of my way to befriend them i have no attraction to doing that because i want i think it's i think there are so many people in this world that we can all be surrounded by people that we love that that also love us i think that so i don't need the the borderline baseline friendship sure like the casual friendship yeah yeah like the exactly hey you we should hang out sometime sure and it never happens and then you run into them again and they're like hey we should hang out when never great fantastic exactly around yeah um do you feel lonely adept uh uh when i'm extremely sad sometimes but usually no okay do you find yourself yeah i would like to just add that that has a lot to do with living in texas because i have no family here none so that's hard for me okay um do you find yourself sometimes envying people who are able to maintain like more loose friendships or have more friends absolutely not okay so i'm i'm at a little bit of a crossroads adept one is that you know i want to really learn more about kind of what your experience of growing up was and then i also feel like you know when people come on stream sometimes i'll i'll try to kind of give them a different perspective and there are some things that uh you know about the person that you've become that i i'd like to um kind of challenge some of the things that you've said and the short answer is that like so for example i i i wonder if there's value in re-examining some of your hard-earned conclusions um so i'll just kind of give you an example so i think that you know you've had like actually like a pretty [ __ ] traumatic interpersonal scholastic kind of experience right and and what tends to happen with the body and the mind is any time like we get a wound like we form scar tissue and scar tissue is sort of like in firm it doesn't bend it's a little bit weaker but it's protective and so there are a lot of things that that you're talking about which i think sort of like make perfect sense i think they're very logical conclusions i think that they're a way that you've learned how to be happy and at the same time i think it may be worthwhile to like kind of question them and i'm a little bit curious if i say something like that does it evoke a feeling in you that i'm trying to take something away from you okay when you hear that what's your what's your like emotional or instinctive reaction when i hear what specifically just that i may want to challenge some of the conclusions you've come to oh i love it um i think an important thing to do is just always look at your behaviors is is it the right thing to do is it healthy are you helping yourself so i i love it and i'm not a i'm not opposed to that at all can i um can you do me a favor yeah can you let me know if you feel like i am trying to take something away from you or if i am sort of slipping into the role of like [ __ ] teacher okay okay yeah can please do that for me if i yeah if i step into that role like you got to let me know you got to call me out on it okay is that cool okay yeah um so okay so you so you're okay with me challenging you a little bit yeah okay so i'm still gonna go back and ask you more questions but i'm glad i have your permission for that and if something comes up i'll let you know okay okay but let me just give you kind of one quick example of what i mean so it sounds like um you know you're quick to cut people out of your life and you're really close to your family you're really close to you know having people that like it you're kind of all in in your relationships right so like if people are like gonna respect you and love you then that's awesome and you're gonna respect and love them and that's awesome [Music] yeah not really i mean i can cut people off quickly but i'm also a believer in like um finding a solution i think so if somebody's willing to chill and work towards a solution that's fine but if they're showing me repetitive signs of just like i i think it's important for someone to care about themselves first and foremost and i feel like they don't even care about themselves then that takes time to recognize that type of thing and so no offense but if they're not a close friend of mine yes i do cut them out because i i don't want to get sucked into those things because this takes a p this is a whole process like if i try to give them perspective that i don't think they care about themselves that they don't think they're doing things that are healthy for them and they just ignore it and blow over it and act like it's fine and they're they're okay i i feel like okay um well i don't know like i don't want to get sucked into doing the same thing that sounds healthy yeah yeah i mean it sounds like you know people you're not going to kind of i think actually a lot of people make this mistake where they like try to convince other people that they have a problem you know and and that you know toxicity towards you isn't really about you it it's really kind of coming from them yeah i guess the one question that i have is like how how do you know that right so like if you say you know this is toxicity coming from the other person it's really like hatred on their part it really has nothing to do with me how do you know when it has something to do with you and when it doesn't um i think it depends like what are the things that they're actually saying to me like i've had a friend before come to me and say hey um this and this has happened this is how it makes me feel this is how if the situation has evolved you know like that type of discussion is a i'm being toxic what can i evaluate and change versus something that's more like projection like i mean projection is a literal word i feel like it literally projects at you they're not discussing with you they're not talking to you about it it is projected at you so yeah so that's how i know yeah so i i see what you're saying so you're able to sort of detect projection from another person and that's kind of how you know and and that if people sort of approach you in a mature manner they're willing to kind of discuss and then you're willing to like you know if you guys have a discussion about it you'll own the parts that you're doing wrong they'll own the parts that they're doing wrong that's a healthy relationship absolutely yeah so um can we go back to that teacher that worked really hard to get you out of out of their class yeah um can you tell tell me what what help me understand what they did that was so like how do you know that they kind of worked really hard to get you out of their class like went out she told me she talked to me about it and she told me she told me she said i mean first she threatened me she said just so you know i have a meeting with this person and this person and this person and and you know she had her buddy buddy teacher that was also um because at that school you had a home room and then you had to swap with the teacher next door and then and then you'd go to your other classes um and so she had her buddy buddy and she goes you know me and her we feel the same way about you and blah blah blah and in your notes throughout uh because in fifth grade my teacher ended up becoming the principal later on so what he did was he put it in my file um some things that he felt personally towards me and he sent it on to the next school and then that carried on and over so that this was sixth seventh grade where that teacher was doing this stuff and so she was like in your file mr so and so said all this blah blah blah we're gonna sit down and i was like okay that's fine you know like i i don't i never gave in to these teachers um my mom always raised me where if if adults have a child like a problem with you they need to speak to me it shouldn't be a thing where they're talking to you so every time that these authoritative figures tried like it always felt like like an embarrassment attempt and they were never gonna do that to me because like my mom taught me better than that so all it made me do was like they would teach me uh they would treat me as though i was a kid that was there to harass their class and [ __ ] everything up i wasn't that type of student i just didn't do my own stuff sure but i wasn't the type you weren't like throwing stuff at her when she was turned around yeah it wasn't disruptive do you know what it said in your file no that i wasn't allowed to see but that's what they did tell me and i was told this by multiple people so it's kind of hard to imagine it to be fake so i i think it it totally makes sense that i mean i think it's a terrible power dynamic to you know tell a fifth grader that you're coming for them yeah i'm i'm gonna let you down like it sounds very like like predatory yeah i agree and i think it's a really valuable lesson that your your mom taught you and something that it's i'm happy you ingrained i i find myself being a little bit curious about you know what what did they say to you though so they just said that their meetings and like what what were they trying i mean um well their whole thing was you're not gonna come to my class and not do my work that i give you and then go off and do your your gait program and then do everything there so they were mad that i would do my stuff there and not in their classes and i tried to tell them well the difference between your class and that is i've been learning exactly what you're teaching for four years but i've never learned this before and this is fun and that's exciting so yeah i do it but they thought it was like i don't know they thought because we did arts and crafts sometime like like we learned about real actual artists and painters and stuff they thought it was like some fun escape you know because she wasn't involved in the gate program she's the [ __ ] teacher they were not gonna let her near there like no offense but they're never gonna let her near there so she had no idea what we actually did there i guess i mean that's the only conclusion i could draw from it because she she treated me like it was like some escape to have fun and i'm like it's not it's fun but we learn we're learning important things yeah so i'm just a little bit curious like if i play devil's advocate for a second i'm just thinking about you know if i have a student who's failing my class and then there's like the curriculum and there's the extra curriculum i could see an argument for saying like oh like you know they shouldn't be doing extracurricular stuff i don't think it's a good argument um but i could definitely see like a perspective where it's like sort of like if there's extracurricular stuff in curricular stuff you know if you're go after school if you're failing your classes and you're going in and doing stuff like it would actually be in your best interest to focus on passing the class right what do you think so you wanted me to tell you when you were being like the [ __ ] teacher yep that's what they did to me constantly that's exactly what the principal and the other teachers would tell me about her and it's like that's fine then i don't like you guys have your pact that's cool that's fine but the difference is and that they all should have understood is that it's it's extracurricular that is more advanced that is more challenging that teaches them something new that that shows a problem in our current curriculum then because if she was learning new different things all day she would be [ __ ] doing it that was the issue that i had with them is that i don't want to continue to learn the same it's not even sometimes i would want to learn sometimes i would sit there and i'd get so mad at myself why am i not paying attention why am i not able to do this why can't i sit down and do it for hours on end sometimes i would get as frustrated as them at myself but the thing is when it came to challenging things and always keeping the ball moving i had no problems i didn't suffer those same curses it wasn't the same sure so can i ask you so so did you feel like i was being an [ __ ] teacher in that moment or was i just saying the things that they said you're just literally mirroring the things that they would say and and how did you so it sounds like let me just think for a second try to process what you just said and so what you're saying is that like it wasn't about it being extracurricular or not extracurricular it was just since school was so old for you the extra stuff was actually like new things that you could actually learn so if people presented you with like the opportunity to learn you'd do it but if they just presented you with the opportunity to like repeat old [ __ ] like you wouldn't do it i would get very frustrated like it's not that i would look at it and go ugh i've done this before that's not the problem the problem is they would sit there on the board for an hour two hour but however long they would sit there then i would know that i have to go home and do that work that she just made me re-watch for the millionth time and i wouldn't even open it because i'd be so frustrated like i it was hard for me because i'd be like why am i doing this what's happening i couldn't grasp it you couldn't grasp why you couldn't do the work why i had to keep doing it again like it was it was like a dread it was like a dreadful feeling deep down like i have to open that book and do it all again you know like that's what i have to spend my time on and the thing is that it would be a lot it would be a lot of it it's not like it was just three four questions it would be a ton of it and that for me as a kid that was very hard it was like i dread the fact that i have to go back there do it again do it tomorrow like i was so i would think that way sounds like you were tomorrow i have to do it all week that's what it felt like trapped sort of in this like prison of like rote boring school work that's what it felt like like it felt like punishment so it was hard for me to want to do it because i just felt like i was being punished all the time yeah help me understand that when did you start to feel like school was punishment uh like sixth grade for sure because fourth and fifth grade it was still kind of like okay this sucks but you know it'll get better especially once i go to a new school sixth grade's supposed to be harder it's supposed to be new new ideas new things but then the stuff that wasn't new it was just like like it felt as though math and and i love math i love math with like my whole heart it just felt like english and math and mostly those were our core subjects that we had to spend most of our time on and then we were allowed to go learn new and explore new things and and be taught new because even in sixth seventh grade like here's what my day looked like i had to start with english and i think maybe history which i'm not a big history person but i still did it i was okay um then i'd have to go to math and science but it was in that order so i would do the english stuff that i've been learning the whole time reading and the thing is a lot of kids were behind like my reading level so it'd be kind of frustrating to know that i was the one being picked on by teachers but i'm the one that knows how to read so why the [ __ ] do i have all the attention on me if i'm the one that knows how to read like why aren't they helping them why so that we can all move on and progress and not have to do these same things over and over again um and sounds like you were really kind of persecuted which is strange because you knew how to read i mean it felt like it yeah and you know you know when the teacher they they raised then they go can anybody answer this we're not moving on till anybody answers it can anyone answer i would always be the one to speak up and answer it so that we could all move on and do something else like i i would always help the teacher and when i saw them frustrated i always tried to help them but when they saw me frustrated it was like oh you're a bad kid and i hated that but so it would be repetitive repetitive repetitive and then pe and then um i had an electronics class so i learned how to make circuit boards and things like that and and then we had some other type of you know elective random class so it was like prison prison prison prison okay now we get to learn okay now we get to be kids now we get to do something adept i'm i'm sensing a lot of strength but also like strength that's built on a mountain of hurt yeah i feel like that's where all my strength comes from is just being like [ __ ] on and stifled all the time that's where i feel like it comes from that's so sad gotta do what you gotta do that's also a very sad sentiment right it's sad and i've cried about it and i've been sad over it but at the same time it's just what happened i can't change what happened i can't change those people and how they stifled me i could only change how that affects me and what i do with that and that's it that's all that i'll focus on does it need to change no but i'm just saying i i the the change where it needs to happen is how we teach children how we encourage children and i believe in that so much that i actually taught basketball for seven years and i only taught youth basketball and i would make sure that if they were struggling in school if they're struggling at home whatever in basketball i was there i taught them i helped them i gave them every piece of guidance and advice and you know self-confidence self-assurance everything that i could and i mean my teams did very well and they loved each other they loved me i loved them and it was great that sounds awesome you know it's interesting because we always think that you know the best way to like learn something good like the best way to be a good teacher is to study under good teachers but i think sometimes the best way to learn how to be a good teacher is to have bad teachers i certainly know that i learned um a lot about how i teach and learn medicine i i i learned a lot about how i teach medicine from bad teachers because like you have a teacher you're like i am never going to do that that is terrible and and not only that but i i loved my community where i grew up it's a little town in southern california and i was like i don't want these kids to feel the way that i felt and so i'm gonna make sure that my community is like evolving from the ground up like it's my turn now i'm the adult i'm going to be the one that goes in there and and teaches them the way that i wish that i was taught the way that these teachers taught me not the way that these ones taught me yeah so adap let me ask you a question so so it sounds like you know a lot of your strength kind of comes from the idea that these teachers were wrong right that they were projecting so what would happen if it turned out that those teachers were right um i mean i guess that would mean that i had given up it means that i would have finally succumbed to their doubts like just be a subject just be a pawn of their doubts i don't know how to put that into word yeah so what i'm saying is that that it's not that you would have been a pawn of their doubts but that that their doubts were accurate right that what do you think would happen to you in the way that you view yourself i don't know so i have a weird kind of thing for you to think about so what if i were to tell you that nothing would happen if they were right because here's the here's the one thing that kind of rubs me the wrong way about your story of strength so i think you're a very strong person i think you're clearly a good teacher i think you're clearly gifted i think that um you've had to deal with a lot of pain and hardship and yet there's a part of me that just feels like that that's you and that whether people doubted you or didn't doubt you your strength is your own and that your strength exists in spite like so your strength kind of grew out of the fertilizer of like frustration and doubt right and and there's a part of me that says that like that's actually sort of i mean that's true but that actually like let's say let's take your basketball kids for example so that your teachers don't have to be wrong about you for you to give what you did to your basketball teams right they could even be right and like they can even have a point and just because they're right doesn't actually change anything about you well i mean exactly which is why when you ask me what if they were right i mean i i don't think anything of that because i think regardless i still would have been the person that i am one way shape or form maybe i just have different trauma that's it i i don't like i i my brain i can't even really process what you mean with that type of question like oh what if they were right well i mean i don't i'm here this is the life that i'm in so it's like my brain can't even wrap my head around your question that i think is makes me really happy so i think that's sort of like so so here so i'll just can i just share a couple of random thoughts adapt yeah so the first thing is that i think you have um something that we see a lot which is sort of like a reactive ego so like your ego and your sense of self is built out of kind of like defiance of projections of the others and at the same time so there's like there's a sense of identity that's like [ __ ] you guys i'm not gonna like i'm not gonna let you determine who i am which is good but i would even i would argue that that's still ego and at the end of the day that's i know sounds weird is unhealthy and then there's your genuine strength which is not built out of defiance of anything but it's built out of like love and care and like wanting to create it like a good life for other people and the funny thing is that i see both in you i see a very genuine strength i see a very genuine capability i think we've seen it actually all along in the stories of like you teaching other kids where you knew what your worth was right and then parallel to that we have this really common i mean this is just how things work so like when you know when teachers are threatening you in the fifth grade that they're they're gonna come hunt you down and they've written things in your file and it'll be there forever so our psychology has a very natural way of responding to that because you don't know your real strength that time right and so until you like grow up and you understand what your real value is you form this sort of protective ego which is like oh like that's them projecting which is like kind of interesting because like you know the tricky thing about blaming someone else for projecting is that it gives you a perfect pass against all criticism now it sounds that your it sounds like you actually genuinely get around that because if someone approaches you in a respectful manner and has something critical to say you're very open-minded about it and that i think comes from your genuine strength but there's this sort of like it's weird because you actually have a lot of genuine strength where you're open-minded you're really confident in who you are you're willing to accept criticism you try to be better um you know you try to live up to like the responsibilities that you have in your authentic relationships all is good and this is really strange because bizarrely i also notice notes of this other thing which is yeah i don't have the same perception on ego i know that um people tell me a lot like oh ego this you go that i don't have the same perception and i and i don't you know i i don't um i would help anyone do anything that i have done i i want to help anyone get over all the hurt that i have come over to get over all of the self-doubt the um insecurities the whatever it is i i use my twitch all the time to share how i got over all of those things so you can tell me i have an ego all that you want and not just you but like anyone in this world can say that i have ego that i have this side of me that is um like it is more of like a facade because i'm on twitch because of everything yes there is that ego part that will not let you get through to the genuine strength the real person because you don't have to do that like i get very disappointed in people that project that tried to tear something down or whatever it's like why are you doing that you don't have to do that here you know you don't have to do it anywhere but especially not here when you talk to me and you don't need that wait can that was really i have so many questions can you help me understand what so when you say talk a lot i'm sorry no i love it i think it's great i'm so curious about um because i i think adapt you've really wrangled with this stuff for so long i'm i really want to understand you know what you've learned through these struggles so when you say that that you know you understand that there's an ego what what are you hearing me say and what's your perspective on ego why don't we start there just tell me how do you understand there you go so i mean i i think that there's there is ego and i know i know when someone's being egotistical and i understand that and i know that i have behaviors that are egotistical i understand that what's an example of a behavior that's egotistical real quick just so we're on the same page um [Music] the only thing i can think of is like gaming or something so get back shitties when you're no like like uh like even uh harder than that you know like i get reg shitty i'm just messing with you but if i tell you that i would 1v1 wipe your ass like [ __ ] on any floor in any game ever in the history of games you wouldn't be able to touch me i genuinely mean it and i am being egotistical i don't care even if i'm wrong i don't care you're it's gonna happen like we'll figure it out you know um so that's ego i guess sure um because i do get angry and i will tell that to people um good for you yeah so that is ego and but the thing is my my sense on ego is i don't bring that egotistical side that those things out until i see somebody trying to threaten to get in yeah so let me clarify a little bit okay so you're using the word ego and you're also using the word egotistical and i should have explained a little bit better sure so i'm kind of operating using the yogic term ego which is like an identity or a sense of identity that is actually built up around the core of who you are and is by definition false so we all have ego it's a function of the mind it's like one of the parts of mind it's like emotion like we all have an identity the technical term is the sanskrit term ahamkar which means the sense of i or the i feeling so when i for example wake up and i say i'm a doctor or i am a twitch streamer or when you say you are a woman that is like an attribute of your being which is technically not true so like i'm not i mean i could say i'm a doctor and society could think i'm a doctor but like if you dissect me you're not gonna find a doctor anywhere right it's like a construction does that make sense a little okay so like like for example anyway so so so i'll let me explain let me just think about how to explain this so we all have attributes of our identity and and like in ancient india like the yogis believed that like none of the attributes of our identity actually define who we are so if i were to ask you are you a failure what would your answer be no okay did you fail out of high school yes then how are you not a failure i don't know exactly because you're not a failure right so that's an attribute which you're in your truest sense of self you actually aren't a failure like just because you're [ __ ] teachers like just because you dropped out like that's it's all a [ __ ] mental construction that you can't like sure you can find an f on a transcript somewhere on a piece of paper but that's not who you are right and and so the yogis sort of figured out that like we can have all of these attributes that we can apply to our lives and our identity but none of those are our true self and what i and this is the thing that i think is so bizarre is that you sometimes think and i think the ego is a protective mechanism so the yogis also say this that the ego is basically there to tank for us from like damage and so the ego starts to develop whenever we take damage i.e when you're a fifth grader and you know teachers are like hunting you and you're feeling trapped and you're feeling dread like ego is what protects you right like ego is like what steps forward and says you don't understand me everything that you're saying is wrong i'm not what you think i am i am something else and when you say to yourself i am something else that is the ahamkar that is the ego if you say to yourself i am a success or i am a failure those are both the yogic ego because when someone says i am a failure like that's not egotistical but it's part of like the yogic concept of ego does that make sense yeah okay and so this is the wild thing is that when people attack you your ego steps forward but i think what would actually be like really amazing is that if it didn't because actually when they attack you what's on the inside is really where your strength comes from and that actually can't be touched by them and you don't even need your ego to protect right so the thing is though i mean as a kid those things penetrated yep those things were believed yep um now that i look back on them like i don't i don't really have an ego when i talk back on these teachers i think that i genuinely understand why they were the way that they were and i've come to accept it do i think that it's wrong yes do i think that that there are teachers that are better than that that know better than that yes that these ones were just wrong and not wrong about me but wrong with their behaviors and how they handled their authority and so yes i ha and the thing is i um spend most of my time on twitch so yes i would like for them to only hit the ego because they're never gonna get to the inside like it's just not gonna i know that you think that it's like a great beautiful thing or whatever but on twitch it's just not gonna happen unless there's someone that i actually care about what's not gonna happen they're not gonna i'm not gonna step the ego aside for people on twitch yeah when you say it like that that sounds like a good idea to me yeah i just wanted to make that clear like i'm gonna i agree with you but like it has to be someone i care about for the ego to step aside not let me just like about that because i i may need to rethink my approach it's a good point because i think i think egos are the best part of twitch me too i love when someone has an ego yeah i think it's hilarious i something tells me that that you know the best parts of your stream are when you're like i will 1v1 you in any game anytime anywhere and i will [ __ ] all over your face uh i mean some of us think it's funny but i get a lot of hate for it so whatever i try not to do it because i know that ultimately it's like those things come from someone getting me angry about the dumb [ __ ] that they spew out of their mouths and it just makes me look bad at risk like oh my god i can't believe she treats her child like that oh my [ __ ] like no that's not my chat that's some idiot that came in and shouted something dumb like that two different things but that's fine so hmm all right well let me take maybe just maybe we can explore this just a little bit further and if it doesn't get anywhere because you've really given me pause and and i really have to rethink a lot of what i was thinking earlier but let's take kind of one more stab at it if that's okay with you sure so you were saying that the reason that you had to develop that ego is because it did sink in and it did hurt back then yeah yes right so there were dreams that i didn't accomplish because i i believed that i was a failure there were things that i didn't even attempt because i believed that i was a failure so why do you need the ego now um it's just kind of for play it's not real it's just for play it's like you know when i see somebody struggle so hard to to attack me or anything that i'm worth i'm just like oh well here's my time to play okay so i i can get behind that i'm going to offer a hypothesis to you and i'm curious what you think about it so the hypothesis is that any time the ego arises it's because something does hurt that the two are interconnected so just like it arose when you were a child to protect you from the things that they said and the hurt that they said if it arises today it's because it's still protecting something that's hurt that's hurt right but the thing is like i can get over that hurt i i at the end of the day i'll always remind myself who i am and what i'm capable of i've worked very hard at that so yes it'll hurt in the moment and it will hurt a little but i will find a way past that hurt past those um weaknesses i will evolve and and make them better right but the thing is so yes the ego will come out but that's because i i recognize that attack it's like a laser focus and like this person is trying to attack like and you know so that's yeah the ego comes from a place because it's like why are you trying to hurt me right now what is your problem why are you trying to hurt me what did i do why is this happening that makes a lot of sense the ego is the one that asks why are you trying to hurt me no the real me but the ego goes the ego is out there like oh like well let's get into it like let's play like i said earlier let's play let's play the game love it okay because i was about to say because that that other question doesn't sound like ego like why are you trying to hurt me right now that doesn't sound like ego at all no that's the real me that's a real me being upset like why why are you trying to hurt me like one thing that i i hate is that hurt people hurt people i wish it was not that way desperately so i try not to hurt people with my hurts ever if i know that there is something that hurts me or would hurt me i don't like to say it to people that's why i come up with something like i'd [ __ ] your dad because you know what my mom and my dad have sex it makes me very happy so you know what if someone's mad that their dad's having sex that's weird you know what i mean like just something like it's just play it's just all games like hey you oh do you think i'm ugly well guess what i'll [ __ ] your dad okay just shut your mouth that's what i tell people like i don't want to tell them like oh you think i'm ugly like um i know what you look like that big old forehead or yours ain't doing no help you know like something like that i i don't enjoy that you just lost me there i i'm i'm very uh confusing it's okay i acknowledge no i think you're actually incredibly lucid i i mean you just i i think that has more to do with me than that stupid you so the real me wants to know why would you ever want to hurt someone the way that you are hurt the way that you've been hurt but the ego will step in because i'm on twitch or i don't have [ __ ] time for this right now you need to go deal with your own issues so the ego will come out and [ __ ] with you the way that you think you're [ __ ] with me because you're not [ __ ] with me the only person who's gonna hurt later on later is you because i'll get over mine and if you don't get over yours that's your own problem gotcha that makes a lot of sense man do you feel like you're ahead or behind still um all the time i mean i live on twitch so how could you not feel that you're behind i think every streamer feels like they're behind they're behind on hours they're behind on minutes they're behind on this that like always what if i were to tell you that a header behind is also things that concept grows out of the ego um well just to offer more information i don't want to live in a head or behind i i am tired of those concepts i recognize that those have been an issue for me is to feel like oh i'm ahead i'm behind them because because you're not always ahead like you're just not it's something that happens like there's always someone right i live in america so there's always somebody going ahead and a head and a head so i hate living in the head and behind and i've learned from um my beginning on twitch just like five years ago not to compare myself to others but to not compare myself i need to stop living in ahead and behind so this is something very new for me but it is something that i'm working at just to let go of like okay that and that and just keep evolving and doing what the best things for me are to do and just focus on that so adapt you seem very evolved to me yeah and i think so too and um i i think this is maybe the one thing where the reason i keep on heart because i don't think you're egotistical i i hope you're not hearing that what but i i do think that so ahead and behind are concepts so here are the functions of ego so ego compares so anytime you compare yourself to another person that is a function of the ego this is not like egotistical or being an [ __ ] or anything like that it's like literally the function of comparison happens in the part of your mind that is a hum god or ego okay so i think if you really want to be a for free from ahead or behind you need to be free of your ego and i think you're halfway there it's just it's hard because i think you sometimes i don't think you're quite in in control of it as much as you're suggesting so i actually that's not true so i think i would really bet money that there are times where it gets away from you which is true of all human beings so it's like my ego yeah okay so i i i think that i think that there's still so you call yourself adapt to the best and so i think that there's still like a part of you that you know if you really think about it like that's a name that belies confidence but if you're really confident you don't need to call yourself the best right right so i i think that that this is where where it's bizarre because i think i see these things happening in parallel i don't think you're insecure i think you're actually remarkably secure and this ego still persists and all of this ahead and behind thinking moves you away from your true self and actually feeds the ego and the more that the ego is there the more the ahead and behind is there it looks like you've got something to say go for it because i live my life on twitch i don't live anywhere else as crazy as that sounds just in this moment in time i lived my whole life on twitch the name was never supposed to be confidence the name was always ego so the name will always be ego and the persona will always be ego but it's not who i really really am to my core i can believe those things in a secure way in a confident way and i do but the ego is what will come out and get out get out of control you know when i'm into it in bad circumstances or whatever this or that but because i live on twit i don't interact with many people in real life i don't i just how do you really interact with people i don't care i love it i i i interact with my parents i interact with my family but my family does not try to attack me or or you know down like belittle me they don't try those things so i mean i don't know i have felix felix lives here he talks to me every day he doesn't try to put me down or attack me or or belittle me and he understands the twitch world he understands my lifestyle so and i have a couple friends uh xqc oh okay we lived together um for about three three years and um so i have friends in real life like melina has become one of my real life friends and i have friends from high school i have two but one of them i just don't talk to anymore and the other one i'm starting not to talk to anymore and that has a lot to do with because our schedules don't add up our lifestyles don't add up um just they're into some bad behaviors that i don't feel comfortable talking about on stream and i'm okay with distancing myself from those people even though they meant a lot to me in my past and they are my best friends um and like i i see them and i talk to them and i hang out but they're not trying they're like i don't interact with humans i don't go to work and deal with people that i don't like even at the grocery store i don't interact with people i here's your card here's your bags goodbye like that's it like i don't know i'm i don't mind it i don't see anything i think it's a fun enjoyable thing um i wish that there were things i could do that would put me in interaction with more people like i wish i could go play like local softball or local um community college but with coronavirus right now i just can't but um i do kind of wish that i could do that but i know that i'll do it in time so it's fine yeah i i think uh adapt is there anything i can help you with uh yes but nothing that i feel comfortable talking on stream that's for sure okay because because it's interesting because i i mean i appreciate the story that you're telling but i find myself sort of digging like like the reason i started talking about the ego and stuff is because i feel like there's something like i don't understand you know what the problem is i know i know so because that's that's the best i could come up with yeah um i mean your people reached out and they were like hey do you want to come on dr k and i was like oh putting all my mental issues out into the world and i was like no like i don't want to you know do that that's what they're like so i was like the only thing that i'd really care to talk about on stream would be um you know like sharing my it was just kind of sharing an experience and openly discussing it with you but it wasn't necessarily seeking help for anything regarding those things i get that and that's totally fine um it's just i i figured like you know at this point in the conversation having talked to you for a while i sort of went down the ego road just to because like i said i don't think you've got a problem with it it was just because i think it's like you're a really good example of someone who has confidence and ego and the way that you talk about it makes perfect sense like i think very few people understand when you say adept the best is ego that's not me like that makes perfect sense right so so you're someone who's really understood that like there's a difference between the self and the ego and the ego is like a program that like you turn on your computer and then it does particular things and then you can like turn it off um it also makes perfect sense to me that like you know the ego you make a really strong argument for the ego being like a necessary part of twitch which frankly it's a necessary part of life so like if you really have no ego like you suck at the game of life because you won't advocate for a promotion you won't advocate for you know all kinds of things to like advance your worldly life um you know i i do think that a lot of the real place to grow i think for you is just that to recognize like if i could give you one bit of information we don't have to get more into it but just this ahead and behind thing just so you understand it's part of ego so so that if you really want to be free from sort of like the shackles of ahead and behind ego dissolution techniques or further protect uh restraining the ego is going to be like how you free yourself from that but you figured out most of it on your own like that you go is comparison and things like that for me my worry would be how do i live without a head and behind like how do i stay focused you know what i mean yep yeah that that would be my worry when it comes to losing this thing so so this is where your worry is good um because in a sense like there's actually like some evidence to suggest that if you lost a head and behind you would fail you just wouldn't care because yeah like i could easily just sit in the couch lay in bed all day and just eat garbage and not do anything not go to work not stream not do it like [ __ ] all the i could easily do that but but that's it's not quite the same so like can i tell you a quick story yes so this is one of my favorite stories about buddha so buddha so you know buddha was a prince and um like what happened so buddha's story kind of starts out so he's like a prince and he's like loved and respected and all this good stuff and when he was born um there was an astrologer that came and told his dad the king he said okay your son is either gonna be one of the best kings that the world has ever seen or he's going to be one of the best like monks or priests or you know holy men that the world has ever seen and so as king is like well his dad is like well [ __ ] that i don't want him to be like some holy man like i want him to be like a king you know because he's my son and that's his job so what he does is he tries to protect his son from like all the things like all the negativity in the world um so he sort of uh you know doesn't expose buddha to any anyone who's sick anyone who's old or anyone who's dead and one day buddha sneaks out of the palace and he kind of sees he's like walking around and then he sees like someone who's like old and then he's kind of like he's he's with his bodyguard and so he's like what the f what's up with that guy that guy's like his face is all funny looking and his hair is a different color and then his bodyguard is like oh that dude's old and buddha's like what does that mean old what does that word mean they're like oh like this is what happens to people as they like you know and so explain the words like what what the [ __ ] this is crazy you know yeah sounds like a bug not a feature and and then he kind of goes on he sees someone who's sick and he's like what the hell is wrong with that guy he's like making this weird no like there's stuff coming out of his nose and like he's making this weird noise and and then they're like oh he's sick and he's like well there's like what's that right and then he sees someone who's dead he's like what the [ __ ] is wrong with that guy that guy's not even moving and he smells bad and then his body guards like oh that dude's dead and buddha's like what is what is that and so then buddha goes back and he's like oh [ __ ] i didn't realize and then he's like really has this crisis and he's like i don't know what is going on here and he's unhappy so he decides that he's gonna leave and then his dad is like [ __ ] and the very thing that he tried to prevent he ended up sort of creating and then buddha travels around for a long time and he kind of abandons this like worldly life because he's like this doesn't make any sense and he goes and he's seeks for light and he becomes enlightened then many years then what he does is he travels around india like a poor person so he's like you know sitting on his couch all day he just kind of wanders around he has no possessions or anything like that he like teaches people ask him for help he like helps when he can but he's kind of just chilling right he's just vibing and then one day he goes back to his old capital city because he's just make touring around india and he's walking down the street and who he sees is his ex-wife and his son and and then you know they they lock eyes and the ex-wife is like [ __ ] you you know how dare you you abandoned me and you abandoned your son and she's like i can i can handle that you abandoned me i've gotten over it i'm a strong woman much like yourself adept and she says i can i can handle it for myself but like you really let your son down and it's a father's responsibility to take care of their son because he had sort of failed his duties as a consequence of his enlightenment so you're totally right that like that's what happens and so then buddha says you know what you're right that it's like even as an enlightened person like i still have duties and that that you're correct that i've abandoned you even though i don't have ambition i still have duties and so he says to his wife he's like you know i'm gonna fix that right now so you say that it's a father's responsibility to give their son the best of what they have and like pass along their inheritance and so let me fix that right now like his son's like 13 14 at the time so he's like why don't you let him come with me and then he holds up his bagging bowl and he's like i'll give him my inheritance this is what he has and i'll teach him how to be a broke monk and we'll travel together and then his wife is like [ __ ] you never yeah you can take your begging bowl and go so you're you're actually kind of right that like you know in a sense it can be hard to lose your ego any thoughts about the story by the way or should i just keep going i would love if you kept going okay i mean i mean the story i i understand i get it my only thought is like well yeah but then you know he didn't pay his bills either he didn't do it absolutely you're damn right and that's what the story i mean your concern is spot on because that's what like but literally he didn't pay his bills he's just like up and left right no alimony no child support you know it turned out okay because his you know his wife happened to be a queen you know and and that doesn't stress me out less is what it stresses me out more yeah because this is what i'm trying to tell you is that your instincts are not wrong your instincts are right and that's your [ __ ] problem you figured all this [ __ ] out on your own yeah right that ego is comparison and ahead and behind is comparison and absolutely and so you should be worried it turns out that there is a way and that's to think a little bit so let me tell you let me ask you this so your performance with these these kids in their basketball league right yeah was ego involved there at all uh yeah with the other coaches because they like one of the coaches he would do some very weird stuff like he ended up getting this is just like a local girl city league and he was getting like four girls from his travel ball team and i was like listen dude and i told him i was like i don't know why you're doing that we're still gonna beat you and we did we did feed him and so i was like okay like good luck i guess but um so yeah ego came out there with the other coaches but not with my girls yeah and so let me ask you something like did you succeed or fail with your girls we we succeeded we won the championship like more than not and when we didn't we were in second place so yeah so so but how did you attain that success without ego well it's their success it may have been my it was me teaching them and helping them and guiding them but it was their success it's not my success yeah so that's beautifully put and that's the answer right so like like this is where when you do something out of service you can still have success it's good that you note that it's not your success so people look at healthy game and they're like dr k is successful i don't really think so it's not my success this is a big thing that no one understands right it's it's like so so this is where if ambition is of the ego and if you're worried about not being able to pay your bills if you lose your ambition and you lose your ego the answer is like that's a valid concern and you can still sort of be successful in a sense which is just through something called like it's through service right so like like when when you when you set the goal is not being successful but you're saying hey there are these girls and i want to teach them confidence i want to teach them that they have value i want to show them that they can do anything that they put their mind to when that is your compass you will be able to pay your bills yeah that's good i'm happy i feel like uh i feel like i'm on the right path it's just like a reassurance like yeah and that's true so you can let go this is where it's scary because i thinking about ahead and behind is how is the playbook you've been using to become successful on twitch and it can be scary to let go of a hidden behind but what i'm telling you is that ahead and behind causes psychological torture and may lead to success and it is my belief that you can try to make the world a better place and let go of success and you'll be successful anyway i feel like to to an extent my biggest successes and the moments i'm most proud of come from a place that knows that yeah because i like i said i i do talk to people a lot i share a lot of insight i share my struggles and how i overcame them and those were my great successes and that's what i try to focus more on like my ahead and behind comes from myself not like yes other streamers sometimes but i try to stifle that when i notice it happening but mostly myself yeah yeah i think that's that's so i think like i said i think you've figured most of the stuff out on your it's quite amazing thank you you know for what it's worth if you ever wanted to learn formal spiritual practice i think actually let me think about this yeah i was going to say i think you'd be good at it but i'm not so sure i i i i i know this sounds weird but but actually i think that you i don't know if you should learn from someone is what i mean i i think right you're doing a good job of learning from yourself if anything it could be hard to learn from someone i've learned from everyone i've learned from many many sources that i could think of like at any given time i know who taught me what and when um but with what you mentioned i actually got um a meditative meditation singing bowl i think they call it i got it yesterday and i used it and it was really nice it's one of my new favorite things up on the top right i think i just figured out what we're going to do do you want to learn some meditation today sure okay yeah any any like closing thoughts or questions i mean i i feel like you know i loved hearing your story i don't really have much else to say no that i'm i'm happy to share it and i feel i just you know i i think it's important to share all of our stories and i think it's meaningful and and i hope that i didn't come on here with the guys of you thinking you're going to help me um yes i'm always open to help but i i didn't mean to like mislead you i told them what i wanted to talk about so i don't feel misled it's hard to be misled when you have no expectations cool um you know for what it's worth adapt uh you're partnered with twitch so um you know if you do have things that you want to talk about more privately first of all good good for you for setting up an evaluation or like meeting a psychologist or therapist you know that's a really good place to talk about things with you don't have to talk about stuff on stream for sure we just actually so twitch is actually sponsoring our creator coaching uh program so i think three years ago i think twitch twitch creators twitch asked like their content creators what can we do for you and the two things that that the creators they said three things one is that we need to figure out how to pay taxes and such which was like okay and then the second thing was i think some people wanted some training in like stage presence or like more formal you're smiling is this no i love it taxes it's a big meme in our household taxes we never escape them and then and then the third thing that they asked for was mental health support but it seems like it was hard for people to you know twitch sort of set up this thing where you guys can get you have discounts with like talk space or better help or something and then they give you guys like access to certain apps and whatnot but thankfully um they've decided to actually try to support their content creators so you can sign up for that program it's it's private um yeah and and stuff like that so you can give that a shot if you want to sure i would love that um and then uh yeah so you can you know check that out and you know it seems to be going pretty well they sort of help a lot so we deal with things like imposter syndrome and burnout and and those kinds of things um but you can always try that but i think it's good that you're seeing a psychologist i'd be really curious whether you know they end up diagnosing you with something or not i'll let you know if they do you don't have to but i'm just saying it's no i would love to share that with you i'm so curious about you know these stories like yours where you're like gifted but failing like i don't know what that is i don't i don't know if that's just it that can really be explained by a diagnosis or if there's like more to it um and and so because i think there are a lot of people out there i'm glad you shared that story because uh you know my story is actually somewhat similar i sort of lucked out in the sense that they actually had me skip a grade so so i actually like you know didn't have to sit around and repeat stuff right um but then i had my own fair share of problems i think to put it simply and and it's been said time and time again public school is just not for every student and and no offense but especially gifted students it's just not um as much as we would love it to be as much as it's a great thing because it's free and accessible for like literally everyone in america i don't want to get into politics but um you know it it is a great thing i'm not going to say that it's not but it's definitely not for every student and yeah my my meaning for sharing this story with you guys today is just any students out there like you're not a failure you're gonna be okay like find your path build yourself up and just find a way there are options you can test out of high school you can go to continuation school you can go to ged you can do all the above like i almost did so that's my point with sharing my story today you know what i really love about that last sentence adapt is you can do all these things like i almost did i think that is a sign of confidence yeah right to say that yeah you know i i don't know if you still have i'm detecting some emotional maybe i struck a nerve there but you know i i think it's like it's it's really awesome to see you own what you can be proud of and also own what you don't have to be proud of and that you can actually be okay with that mm-hmm yeah cool okay so meditation since you got a singing bowl i have to turn my camera off though if you want me to go get it okay okay we are back well did you not want me to get it i thought you wanted me to go don't mind go go get it okay i just find myself being curious why you have to turn are you like not wearing pants or something no because i have a lot of coomers that will zoom in on my butt crack and it's like i have i have basketball shorts on but they'll still find a way to sexually exploit me and it's very so i just should i should i be worried about that probably no one's safe i'm gonna risk it no okay no i won't what what exactly is a coomer again um well these are like these are beyond coomers like these people have no they're just dude how the [ __ ] do we get a beyond cover to come on stream can we do that oh my god just literally google my name i swear to god it's crazy out here you'll find them no no but i'm i'm serious i want to talk because like i want to talk to these people and i think that's a great no i'm serious i am serious too i think that's a great idea because i would love to understand why they do what they do because there are millions and millions of places where they can you know look at women that are sexually uh you know exploiting i don't know i'm not trying to be insensitive i this just how you know like sexually displaying themselves all the time it's a great thing i love it i look at it so why do they need to put me on sexual display when i'm not sexually displaying myself that's something that whole other door you're opening here i love opening doors at the end of the interview um but like though literally can you explain to me what a coomer is um okay so coomer is literally not gonna explain it in words other than lingo see this is why i'm confused because like i you know they're all these terms and i can sort of piece things together but the best that i could come up with is that there's something involving sexuality and it's a boomer that's replaced with a b with a c yes but don't use the term boomer litter cause it it's just a coomer like [ __ ] coomer cooming it's just like someone that's very horny and does horny [ __ ] or is horny on main i guess on main what does that mean yeah like like on their main accounts like they're out here on the twitter and they're like just just putting their horniness out there for the world to see how horny they are instead of going and jerking off and using the internet when they're of clear mind like a normal person like i think ludwig explains it well in one of his clips that they could link you okay i gotta i gotta watch this and get educated but i really i mean if you know i would like to i would like to speak to one of these mythical figures i would love if you did that it would offer me so much i love to understand why people do what they do and i would love to understand why they make fake naked pictures of me and share them amongst each other when in reality like i i think i'm i post sexy pictures like why do you have to take it to the next level i don't get it do you know what does that make sense a little which one all of it all of it dr k stop trying to have me narrow things down i mean this way i i i think the disturbing thing is that you know i think a lot of it makes sense i just want to know why they do that i just don't get it well i mean just i'm wondering if i'm a coomer now but um you know because if you say if you say you post sexy pictures of yourself and why are people photoshopping things probably because the pictures that you post aren't enough okay for their humor minds is what you're saying exactly okay okay that makes sense i mean so generally when people you know change things about the world like why do they change things about the world it's because the world doesn't give them what they want right but the thing is the more that they do these weird fake things the more that it makes me not want to do it for real because it's like okay well they're just being weird with it so i'm definitely never gonna do that i think you just opened a whole can of worms because i don't know what they know you did no you open the doors stop projecting you opened the can of worms no you you're the coomer you're the cooper you it's you yeah i don't know but i think you know we'll we'll learn so we're here to learn about the internet and learn about the minds of the people on the internet so maybe that'll happen let's get to meditation and pure things let's do that okay so um you have your singing bowl so i'm gonna teach you um kind of an introductory practice and then like sort of a second practice okay okay so i don't know uh what's gonna get transmitted over discord but if you ring your singing bowl you're going to hear that there's an oscillation or a fluctuation in the sound it's not going to be one note okay okay okay and so okay yeah what i want you to kind of do i'm going to go ahead and ring it i don't know what you're going to be able to hear but you can try ringing it on your end and then what i want you to listen to is the fluctuations of the sound and try to hear as long as you can because the fluctuations are going to get lower and lower and lower okay all right yeah so on three one two three got it i did mine very lightly i was scared okay have no fear okay be brave adapt all right okay once again louder huh am i supposed to close my eyes i saw you close your eyes yeah okay sorry do it again no it's okay i i didn't tell you okay so no you didn't yep okay so that's because you're the one who's a good teacher i'm a shitty teacher okay ready one more time eyes closed [Music] okay okay so now what i want you to do is ring it three times in a row with your eyes closed wait until the silence really settles then ring it a second time wait till the silence settles then ring it a third time and then keep your eyes closed for about 60 seconds after and then i'll teach you the second phase of the practice okay okay okay ready go yeah [Music] [Music] you [Music] [Music] one [Music] [Music] okay i couldn't i couldn't hold it i'm sorry hold what my laughter i let it out a tiny bit so i enjoyed it but it's very hard for me to turn my brain off of knowing that stream is on like it's hard to do it because i know it's on my brain never forgets okay so then unless you've been on that's no big deal okay so um next thing to to think about is so the next time you're feeling ahead or behind okay if you're really feeling a header behind i want you to do this practice and listen to the sound and then ask yourself like in this moment as you listen to the oscillations of sound how can you possibly be a header behind what is it that where what is this idea of a header behind where does it come from and then let yourself return to the sound and notice that the sound is what's real you are what's real there's no there's no aheadness or behindness here right like this is just it's just reality where your teacher is good or bad they just were what they were they made you into the person that you are if your teachers weren't the way that they were you wouldn't have been able to teach your basketball students the lessons that you taught them and so all things are just as they are supposed to be understood well thank you for coming on adept thank you for having me and you know good luck with everything take care of yourself i'll let you know what uh my appointment says if i get diagnosed and what i get diagnosed with yeah absolutely go for it okay pass it on i'd love to hear all right take care of yourself thank you hey do you know who i should raid we're trying to figure out i because twitch chat just trolls me uh let's see here let's raid we'll raid her name's fariha do you know her i don't know anyone man i'm going to type it to you okay okay r-e-e-h-a okay cool thank you very much adept appreciate it thank you can we write a coomer oh she uh i don't think she is she's actually very chill okay okay we'll wait for you we'll rate coomer we'll just have we'll find a coomer to come on stream oh my god okay let's do that okay all right thank you dr k i appreciate it thank you thank you adap take care bye youtube bye okay all right i guess that's it that talk about you know nutting early ludwig is a coomer okay ludwig is not a coomer ludwig is a person so coomers aren't people okay

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 175,890

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist

Id: csPWWURmxLo

Length: 106min 4sec (6364 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 03 2021