The Critic 1779 comedy by William Brinsley Sheridan, 1982 TV production, Topaz AI Enhanced

[Music] well lindley you have lured me here what time is the rehearsal to be and you've had a good dinner too you'll grant me that possibly good they don't seem to be ready do they mr king i expected to see you transformed by now you should be half puff at least sir you're not even half dressed sheridan said i must speak with you it is most urgent now now sir or the play cannot go forward oh well [Music] in the second green room sir you will very well sir but you must be brief it is late [Music] nasa what is it dear god man what are you doing why have you locked me in you see a fire sir chair two bottles of good carrot and some anchovy sandwiches yes sir i see them you also see pen and ink in the prompt copy oh the devil's how i do we open the critic on october the 30th it is now october the 28th and we have no ending written lord we have three linking scenes they are all my scenes mr sheridan and i must have and so you shall my dear fellow when we shall end with a battle i promise you tonight dick we must have them tonight the door stays locked till they're written if we take still doors out lindley are you part of the plot too the town is coming dick they expect to see the critic the day after tomorrow it's time you wrote it yes my dear fellow i suppose it is well tell them to play the overture again and by the time they are perfect i will be ah now then [Music] brutus to lord north letter the second of the state of the army to the first l dash d of the a dash y genuine extract of a letter from some kits cox heath intelligence it is now confidently asserted that's a charles hardy pitshaw nothing but about the fleet and the nation and i hate all politics but theatrical politics where's the morning chronicle yes that's your gazette so yeah we have it theatrical intelligence extraordinary we hear there is a new tragedy in rehearsal at rory lane theater called the spanish armada said to be written by mr puff a gentleman well known in the theatrical world if we may allow ourselves to give credit to the report of the performers who are truth to say in general but in different judges this piece abounds with the most striking and received beauties of modern composition so i'm very glad my friend puff's tragedy is in such forwardness i'm idea mrs dangle you'll be very glad to hear the puffs tragedy lord mr dangle why will you plague me about such nonsense oh now the plays are begun i shall have no peace isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridiculous by your passion for the theater without continually teasing me to join you why can't you ride your hobby horse without desiring to place me on a pillion behind you mr dangle hey my dear i was only going to read it no no you will never read anything that's worth listening to you hate to hear about your country there are letters every day with roman signatures demonstrating the certainty of an invasion and proving the country is utterly undone but you never will read anything to entertain one what is a woman to do with politics mrs dangle and what have you to do with the theater mr dangle and why should you affect the character of a critic i have no patience with you haven't you made yourself the jest of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters where you have no business are you not called a theatrical quit nunc and a mock my seniors to second-hand authors the true my power with the managers is pretty notorious but is it no credit to have applications from all quarters for my interest from lords to recommend fiddlers from ladies to get boxes from authors to get answers and from act tours to get engagements yes truly you have contrived to get a share in all the plague and trouble of theatrical property without the profit or even the credit of the abuse that attends it i'm sure mr dangle you are no loser by it however you have all the advantages of it mightn't you last christmas i've had the reading of the new pantomime a fortnight previous to its performance and doesn't mr frost book let you take places for the play before it is advertised and set you down for a box for every new piece through the season and didn't my friend mr smatter dedicate his last fast to you at my particular request mrs dangle yes but wasn't the fast damned mr dangle and to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have once house made the motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature a very high change of trading authors and jobbing critics yes my drawing room is an absolute register office for candidate actors and poets without character then to be continually alarmed with misses and mom's piping hysteric changes on juliets and dorindas pollys and ophelias and the very furniture trembling with a probationary start and unprovoked ransom would-be richards and hamlets and what is worse than all now that the manager has monopolized the opera house haven't we the senors and senoras calling here sliding their smooth semi braves and gargling glib divisions in their outlandish throats with foreign emissaries and french spies for what i know disguised like fiddlers and figure dancers mercy mrs dangle and to employ yourself so idly at such an alarming crisis is this too when if you had the least spirit you would have been at the head of one of the westminster associations on trailing a volunteer pike on the artillery ground but you oh my conscience i believe if the french were landed tomorrow your first inquiry would be whether they had brought a theatrical troop with them mrs dangle it does not signify i say the stage is the mirror of nature and the actors of the abstract and brief chronicles of the time and pray what could a man have sent study better besides you will not easily persuade me that there is no credit or importance in being at the head of a band of critics take upon them to decide for the whole town whose opinion of battery your writers solicit and whose recommendations no manager dares refuse ridiculous both managers and authors of the least merit laugh at your pretensions the public is their critic without whose fair affirmation they know no play can rest on the stage and with whose applause they welcome such attacks as yours and laugh at the malice of them where they can't at the wit very well madam very well mr sneer sir to wait on you ah show mr sneer up they got now we must appear loving and affectionate or smear will hit us into a story with all my heart you can't be more ridiculous than you are you are enough to provoke us yeah i'm vastly glad to see you my dear here's mr smith good morning to you sir mrs dangle and i have been diverting ourselves with papers please yeah won't you go to drawy lane theater the first night of buff's tragedy yes but i suppose one shot be able to get in for on the first night of a new play they always pay for the house with orders to support it but dear dangle i brought you two pieces one of which you must exert yourself to make the managers accept i can tell you that what is written by a person of consequence so now my plagues are beginning i am glad of it for now you'll be happy my imagined angle it is a pleasure to see how you enjoy your volunteer fatigue and your solicited solicitations it's a great trouble yet again it's pleasant too uh why sometimes in the morning i have a dozen people calling me at breakfast time just faces i never saw before not even desire to see you again that must be very pleasant indeed not a week but i get a 50 letters not a lying in them about any business of my own and amusing correspondence bursts into tears and exit what is this a tragedy no that's a genteel comedy not a translation only taken from the french it is written in a style which they've lately tried to run down the true sentimental and nothing ridiculous in it from the beginning to the end well if they had kept to that i should not be such an enemy to the stage there was some edification to be got from pieces of that sort mr sneer i am quite of your opinion mr dangle the theater in proper hands might certainly be made the school of morality but now i am sorry to see it people seem to go there principally for their entertainment it would have been more to the credit of the managers to have kept it in the other line undoubtedly madam and hereafter perhaps we've heard it recorded that in the midst of a luxurious and dissipated age they preserved two houses in the capital where the conversation was always moral at least if not entertainment i think the worst alteration is in the nicety of the audience no dublon taunt no smart innuendo admitted even fanborough and concrete obliged to undergo a bungling reformation yes and our pruderie in this respect is just on a par with the artificial bashfulness of a courtesan who increases the blush upon her cheek in an exact proportion to the diminution of her mother's day i can't even give the public a good weapon what have we here this seems very odd oh that's a comedy on a very new plan replete with wit and muth yet of a most serious moral you see it is called the reformed housebreaker where by the mere force of humor house breaking is put into so ridiculous a light that if the priest has its proper run i have no doubt about that bolts and bars will be entirely useless by the end of the season this is new indeed yes it's written by a particular friend of mine who's discovered that the follies and foibles of society are subject unworthy the notice of the comic muse who should be taught to stoop only at the greater vices and blacker crimes of humanity gibbeting capital offenses in five eggs or pillorying petty larsen is into in short his idea is to dramatize the penal laws and make the stage of court of ears to the old bailey it is truly morale sir fretful plagiarist beg him to walk up now mrs dangle sir fretful plagery is an author to your own taste i confess he is a favorite of mine because everybody else abuses him very much the credit of your charity madam if not of your judgment but he can't he allows no merit to any author but himself that's the true font though he is my friend never no no he's as envious as an old maid verging on the desperation of six and thirty and then the insidious humility with which he seduces you to give a free opinion of any of his works can be exceeded only by the petulant arrogance with which he's sure to reject your observations yes very true yeah though he is my friend and then his affected contempt of all newspaper structures though at the same time he's the sorest man alive and shrinks like scorched parchment from the fiery ordeal of true criticism yet is he so covetous of popularity that he'd rather be abused than not mentioned at all there's no denying it but though he is my friend you've read the tragedy he has just finished haven't you yes he sent it to me yesterday well and you think it ex he's here finished and admirable performances sneer with him did you say my dear friend we were just talking of your tragedy admirable surprise admirable you never did anything beyond it so fretful never in your life you make me extremely happy for without a compliment from my dear snare that isn't a man in the world whose judgment i value as i do yours oh and mr danglers they are only laughing at you as a fretful for it was but just no this is dangle you know my friend sleer was rallying just now he knows how she admires you and oh lord i'm sure mr sneer has more taste in society damn double-faced yes yes but a better nature he has already turned for ridicule his wit costs him nothing no god or i should wonder how he came back because just always at the expense of his friend about sir have you sent your play to the managers yet or may i be of any service to you no no i thank you i believe the piece had sufficient recommendation oh thank you though i sent it to the manager of covent garden theater this morning i should have thought now it might have been cast as the actors call it better by mr sheridan a draw relay said to play there but i live hockey writes himself i know he does i say nothing i take away from no man's manner i'm hurt by no man's good fortune i say nothing but this i will say through all my knowledge of life i have observed that is not a passion so strongly rooted in the human heart as endless i believe you have reason for what you say indeed besides i can tell you it is not always so safe to leave a play in the hands of those who write themselves they may steal from them hey my dear plagiarist still to be sure they may and again serve up your best thoughts as gypsies do their stolen children disfigure them to make a pass for their own but your present work is a sacrifice to mel promenade and sheridan you know that's no security a dexterous plagiarism may do anything why sir for what i know it might take out some of the best things in my tragedy and put them into his own comedy that might be done i'd dare be sworn and then if such a fellow offers you the least help or assistance sort of hint he's devilish have to take the merit for the whole yeah if it succeeds ah all right but with regard to this piece i think i can hit that gentleman for i can safely swear he never read it i'll tell you how you may hurt him more house where he wrote it but plague now i shall take it ill i believe he wants to take away my character as an author then i'm sure you ought to be very obliged to me a tragedy sincerely then you do like the piece wonderfully come now there must be something you think might demanded hey mr dangle has nothing struck you my faith it is but an ungracious thing for the most part too tears just so indeed they are in general strange little tenacious but for my part i'm never so well pleased as when a judicious critic can point out any defect to me well what is the purpose of showing a word to a friend if you don't need to profit by his opinion very true why then though i seriously admire the piece upon the hole there is one small objection which if you give me leave i'll mention sir you can't oblige me more i think it wants incident good god you surprised me once incident yes i own it i think the incident's too few good god believe me mr sneer there is no person for whose judgment i have a more implicit definite but i protest you mr snare i'm only apprehensive that the incidents are too crowded a dead angle how does it strike you well i can't agree with my friends here i think the plot quite sufficient and the four first acts by many degrees the best i ever read or saw in my life if i mind venture to suggest anything it is that the interest rather falls off in the fifth rises i believe you mean sir no i don't about my word yes yes you do upon my soul it certainly don't fall off i can tell you no no the don't fall off this is dangle didn't you say that it struck you in the same light oh no indeed i did not i did not see a fault in any part of the play from the beginning to the end upon my soul the women are the best judges after all or if i had any objection i i'm sure it was to nothing in the piece but that i was afraid it was on the whole a little too long pray madam do you speak as to duration of time or do you mean that the story is tediously spun out oh lord no i speak only with reference to the usual length of acting plays then i'm very happy very happy indeed because the play is a short play and remarkably shortly i should not venture to differ with the lady on a point of taste but on these occasions the watch you know is to get up then i suppose it must have been mr dangle's drawling manner of reading it to me oh it missed the dangle reddit that's quite another affair but i can assure you mr dangle the first evening you can spare me three hours and a half i'll undertake to read you the whole from beginning to end with the prologue and the epilogue and allow time for the music between the acts i hope to see it on the stage next well as a red bull i hope you may be able to get as rid as easily of the newspaper criticisms as you do of ours the newspapers sir they are the most villainous licentious abominable not that i believe no i make it a rule never to look into a newspaper you are quite right but it certainly must hurt a writer of delicate feelings to see the liberties they take no quite the contrary that abuse is in fact the best penegenic i like it above all things an author's reputation is only in danger from their support that's true and that attack now on you the other day what well who you mean in the paper of thursday it was completely ill nature to be sure oh so what's the better i wouldn't have it otherwise certainly it is only to be laughed at for a while again i wouldn't happen to recollect what the fellow said oh pray dangles the breadfall seems a little anxious oh no no anxious no not high not in them but we might as well hear you know can you recollect and make out something i will yes yes i remember perfectly well and pray that not that he's signified what might the gentleman say why he roundly asserts that you have not the slightest invention or original genius whatever though you are the greatest producer of all other authors living very good there's the comedy you have not one idea of your own he believes even in your common placebook where stray jokes and pilfered witticisms are kept with as much method as the ledger of the lost and stolen officer you are so unlucky as not to have the skill even to steal with taste but that you glean from the refuse of obscure volumes where more judicious plagiarists have been before you so that the body of your work is a composition of drugs and sediment like a bad tavern's worst wine [Music] in your more serious efforts he says your bombast would be less intolerable if the thoughts were ever suited to the expression but the homelessness of the sentiment stares through the fantastic encumbrance of its fine language like a clown in one of the new uniforms that your occasional tropes and flowers suit the general coarseness of your style as embroidery award a ground of sackcloth while your imitations of shakespeare resemble the mimicry of falstaff's page and are about as near the standard of the original [Laughter] in short that even the finest passages you steal are of no service to you for the poverty of your own language prevents their assimilating so that they lie on the surface like lumps of mal on a baron moor encumbering what it is not in their power to fertilize now another person would be vexed oh but i wouldn't have told you only to divert oh i know [Laughter] severe for if there's anything to one's praise it is foolish vanity to be pleased at it and if it's abuse why one is always sure to hear of it from one damn good natured friend or another sir there's an italian gentleman with a french interpreter and two young ladies and four musicians who say they're sent by lady rondo and mrs hughes dad so they come by appointment hey dear mrs dangle do let them know i'll see them directly no mr dangle i shan't understand a word they say but you're here as an interpreter well i'll try to endure their complacence till you come and mr puff sir some word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning and that he'll call on you presents very true i i shall certainly be at home now so fretful if you have a mind to have justice done you in way of answer he get mr puffs your man sir why should i wish to have it answered when i tell you that i'm pleased at it oh true i had forgot that uh but i hope you're not fettered at what mr sneers no mr dandel don't i tell you these things don't fret me ella me i only thought and let me tell you mr dangle it is damn defuncting in you to suppose that i'm hurt when i tell you that i'm not but why so warm suffering you're as absurdist angle how often do i have to repeat it to you that nothing connects me but you're supposing it possible for me to mind the damned nonsense you've been repeating today and let me tell you if you continue to believe this you must mean to insult me and then your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms and i shall treat it with exactly the same calming difference and philosophy and so your seventh philosophy and anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors but dangle they must get your friend pups to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy can't i i'll suffer he'll he'll thank you for desiring me but come and help me judge of this musical family and they are recommended by people of consequence i'm at your disposal the whole morning but i had thought you had been a decided critic in music as well as in literature so i am but i have a bad ear faith sneer though i'm afraid we weren't a little too severe not successful though he is my friend why it is certain that unnecessarily to mortify the vanity of any writers a cruelty which mere dullness never can deserve but where a base and personal malignity usurps the place of literary emulation the aggressor deserves neither quarter nor pity that's very true again that though he is my friend i say again gentlemen i don't understand a word you say oh mr dangle here are two very civil gentlemen trying to make themselves understood and i don't know which one is the interpreter oh we get i think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood too my matter well i'll explain that the less time we lose in hearing than the better for that i suppose is what they are brought here foreign one two three four one two three four [Music] foreign keep it harder [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] is [Music] oh [Music] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] nasty [Music] [Music] [Music] me [Music] foreign [Music] [Laughter] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign such as these voices in england not easily but puff is coming senora and little senoras the um big artisable spazzer signora dongle mrs dangle shall i beg you to offer them some refreshment and take that address in the next room would you come this way please come along my dear dangle how is it with you mr steer give me leave to introduce mr papua mr sir he's a gentleman whom i've long panting for the honor of knowing a gentleman whose critical talents and transcendent judgment yes friend puff can everybody's to you in the style of his profession his profession yes sir i make no secret of the trait i follow among friends and brother authors dangle knows i'd love to be frank on the subject and to advertise myself viva voce i am sir a practitioner in panageric or to speak more plainly a professor of the art of puffing at your service or anybody else i believe in stuff i've often admired your talents in the daily why yes i flatter myself i do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town devilish hard work all summer friend daegu never worked harder but haki the winter managers were a little sore i believe no i think they took it all in good pie then that must have been advectation in them for regard there were some of the attacks there was no laughing at the humorous ones i mean i should think mr baff that authors would in general will be able to do this sort of work for themselves why yes but in a clumsy way besides we look on that as an encroachment and so take the opposite side i dare say now you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see to be written by the parties concerned or their friends no such thing 9 out of 10 manufactured by me in the way of business indeed but pray mr puff what first put you on exercising your talents in this way against a [ __ ] necessity [Laughter] that from the first time i tried my hand at an advertisement my success was such that for some time after i led the most extraordinary life indeed uh sir i supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes your misfortune yes sir assisted by long sickness and other occasional disorders and a very comfortable living i heard of it from sickness and misfortunes you practice as a doctor and an attorney at once oh my god both maladies and miseries were my own hey what the plague is true lucky by advertisements to the charitable and humane and to those whom providence have blessed with affluence oh i understand you that in truth i deserve what i got for i suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time sir i was five times made of bankrupt and reduced from a state of affluence by a train of unavoidable misfortunes then sir they were very industrious tradesmen i was twice burnt out and lost my little all both times i lived upon those fires a month soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder and lost the use of my limbs well that told very well but i had the case strongly attested and went about to collect the subscriptions myself i believe that was when you first called on me in november last year oh no i was then a close prisoner in the marshall scene for a dead benevolently contracted to serve a friend i was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy which declined into a very profitable consumption i was oh no no no then i became a widow with six helpless children having had eleven husbands present and being left every time eight months gone with child and no money to get me into hospital and you bore all with patience [Laughter] yes though i made some occasional attempts at fellow to say but as i did not find those rash actions answered i left off killing myself pretty soon well sir at last what were the bankruptcies gouts fires dropsies and other valuable calamities having got together a pretty handsome son i determined to quit a business which had always rather got against my conscience and in a more liberal way still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishment through my favorite channels of diurnal communication and so sir you have my history most obligingly communicative indeed but jolly mr path there is no great mystery in your present perversion mystery sir i will take it upon me to say that the magic was never scientifically treated nor reduced to rule before reduced to rule oh you are very ignorant i am afraid yes sir puffing is a very assault the principal are the puff direct the puff preliminary the puff collateral the puff collusive and the puff oblique i'll puff my implications the puff direct i can conceal oh yes that's simple enough for instance a new coppery or farce is to be produced one of the theaters and by the way they didn't bring out half what they all do the author suppose mr smatter or mr dapper or any particular friend of mine very well the day before it is to be performed i write an account of the manner in which it was received when i have the plot from the author and only add characters strongly drawn mine of invention hand of a master then for the performance mr dodd was astonishingly great in the role of sahara that universal and judicious activist obama perhaps never appeared to more advantage than in the colonel but it is not in the power of language to do justice to mr king indeed he more than merited those repeated bursts of applause which he drew from a most brilliant ending as for the scenery the miraculous powers of mr luther borg's pencil are universally acknowledged in short we are at a loss which to admire most the unrivaled genius of the author the wonderful abilities of the painter or the incredible exertions of all the performers that's pretty well indeed sir oh cool quite cool to what i sometimes do and do you think there are any who are influenced by this oh lord yes sir the number of those who go through the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small in me above preliminary now that's not as well in the form of a caution in a matter of gallantry now so the flimsy gossiper wishes to be well with lady fanny fate he applies to me i open trenches for him with a paragraph in the morning post it is recommended to the beautiful and accomplished lady air 4 stars f-e to be on her guard against that most dangerous character sir f g who however pleasing and insinuating his manners may be is certainly not remarkable for the constancy of his attachments in italics here now you cease of flimsy gossamer is introduced to the particular notice of lady fairy who perhaps never thought of him before she finds herself publicly cautioned to avoid him which naturally makes the desires of seeing him which if so flimsy is unable to improve upon he at least gains the credit of having their names mentioned together by a particular set and in a particular way which nine times out of ten is the full accomplishment of modern gallantry against there you will be quite an addict with the business passa the puff collateral is much used as an appendage to advertisements and may take the form of an anecdote yesterday as the celebrated george boremo was sauntering down some james street he met the lively lady mary myrtle coming out of the park good god lady mary i'm surprised to see you in a white jacket for i never expected to have seen you but in a full twin uniform and light horseman's cap heavens george where could you learn that why reply the wit i just saw a point of view in a new publication called the camp magazine which by the way is a devilishly clever thing and it's sold at number three on the right hand of the way two doors from the printing office the corner of ivy lane pata lost a row price anyone should that's very ingenious indeed but the puff collusive is the new estimate for it acts in the disguise of determined hostility an indignant correspondent observes that the new poem called beelzebub's cotillion or prozapine's fat champagne is one of the most unjustifiable performances he ever read ah the shameful ability by which this piece is brought by all people of fashion is a reproach on the taste of the times and a disgrace to the delicacy of the age here now you see the two strongest inducements are hell forth first that nobody ought to read it and secondly that everybody knows of the strength of which the publisher boldly prints the 10th edition before he'd sow 10. oh my god i know it is so that's to the pub oblique puff by implication it is too various and extensive to be illustrated by an instant it has a wonderful memory for parliamentary debates and will often give you the whole speech of a favored member with the most flattering accuracy and above all it is a great dealer in reports and suppositions it can hint a ribbond for implied services in the air of a common report and with the carelessness of a casual paragraph suggest officers into commands to which they have no pretension but their own wishes this that is the last principle class in the art of puffing banart which i hope you will now agree with me is of the highest dignity i am completely a convert both the importance and the ingenuity of your profession there is but one thing that can possibly increase my respect for you and that is your permission to be to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your music for heaven's sake my tragedy again dangle i take this very ill you know how apprehensive i am of being though to be the author only faith i would not have told but it's in the papers and your name at length in the morning chronicle ah those damned editors never can keep a secret [Laughter] well mr steer no doubt you will do me great honor i shall be infinitely happy highly flattered i mean i believe it must be the other time so shall we go together no it will not yet be this hour for they are always late at that time besides i must meet you there for i have some little matters here to send to the papers yes and a few paragraphs to scribble before i go here is a conscientious baker on the subject of the army and a detestor of visible brickwork in favor of the new invented stucco both in the style of juniors and promised for tomorrow so i must do that in the evening papers or reserve it for the morning herald for i know too that i have undertaken tomorrow besides to establish the unanimity of the fleet in the public advertiser and to shoot charles fox in the morning post so again i had a moment to lose well then we will meet in the green room [Music] they ought to be the abstract and brief chronicles of the time therefore when history and particularly the history of our own country furnishes anything like a case in point to the time in which an author writes if he knows his own interest he will take advantage of it so sir i call my tragedy the spanish armada and have laid the scene before tilbury fought the most happy thoughts certainly again it was i told you sir but pray now i don't understand how you can try to introduce any love into it nothing so easy for it is a received point among poets that where history gives you a good heroic outline for a play you may fill up with a little love at your own discretion in doing which nine times out of ten you only make up a deficiency in the private history of the times now i'd rather think i have done this with some success no scandal about queen elizabeth i heard oh no i only suppose the governor of tilbury fort's daughter to be in love with the son of the spanish admiral oh is that all excellent of faith i see it and once but won't this appear rather improbable oh to be sure it will but what the plague a place not to show occurrences that happen every day but things just so strange that though they never did happen they might happen certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible very true and for that matter don ferolo whisker randos for that is the lover's name might have been over here in the train of the spanish ambassador or tilburina for that is the lady's name might have been in love with him from having seen his picture or heard of his character or from knowing that he was the last man in the world she ought to be in love with or for any other good female reason but the fact is sir a gag though she is but a night's daughter she is in love like any princess poor young lady i feel for her already for i can conceive how great the conflict must be between her passion and her duty her love for a country and a love for don for all of you so amazing yes her poor susceptible heart is swayed to and fro by contending passions the same is sex and everything is ready to begin if you please god then we lose no time though i believe so you will find it very short for all the performers are profited by the kind permission that you granted them hey what well you know so you gave them leave to cut out or omit whatever they found a heavy or uh unnecessary to the plot and i must know they've taken most liberal advantage of your intelligence well well they are in general very good judges and i know i am luxurious yeah now they're mr hopkins as soon as you please gentlemen would you play a few bars or something that's right for as we have the season dresses [Music] so clear gentlemen [Music] [Applause] now you know there will be a cry of down down huh silence then after curtain how did you see what our painters have done for us how would you think i opened my faith i can't guess a clock hawk i open with a clock striking to get an awful attention in the audience it also marks the time which is four o'clock in the morning and saves the description of the rising sun and a great deal about gilding the eastern hemisphere but papri are other sentinels to be asleep fast as watchmen isn't that odd though it's such an alarming crisis to be sure it is but smaller things must give way to a striking scene of the opening that's a rule and the case is the two great men are coming to this very spot to begin the piece now it is not to be supposed they would open their lips if these fellas were watching them so we can't i must either have them sent off their watch or set them asleep that accounts but tell us who are these coming these are they so what are raleigh and sir christopher hatter now you will know sir christopher by his turning out of his toes famous you know for his dancing yes i'd like to preserve all the little treats i'll attend true gallant rally what they have been talking before oh yes all the way as they came along i beg pardon gentlemen but these are particular friends of mine mr dangle and mr smith whose um remarks may be of great interest to us yes happens don't mind interrupting them if anything strikes you true guarantee but oh thou champion of thy country's fame there is a question which i yet must ask a question which i never asked before what mean these mighty armaments this general muster this throng of chiefs hey mr pap how came sir christopher hatton never to ask that question before what before the play began how the play goody that's true of faith but you will hear what he thinks of the matter alas my noble friend when i behold young tented planes in martial cemetery arrayed when i count away on glittering lines of crested warriors with a proud steve's name and fellow breathing trumpet shrill appeal responsive vibrate in my listening ear when virgin majesty herself five you like to ho protecting paris veiled in steel with graceful confidence exhaust two arms when briefly all i hear or see best temp of martial vigilance and stern defense i cannot but some eyes forgive me friend if the conjectures rash i cannot but some eyes the state some danger apprehends a very cautious conjecture that yes that's his character never to give an opinion but on secure grounds now then oh most accomplished christopher he's calling by his christian name to show that they are on the most familiar terms oh most accomplished christopher i find thy staunch sagacity still tracks the future in the fresh print of the or taken path figurative my fears are just ha but where whence when and what the danger is me thinks i feigned woodland you know my friend scares two revolving suns and three revolving moons have closed their course since 40 phillip in despite a peace with hostile hand has struck an england's i know it well philip you know he's proud iberia's king he is his subject in base bigotry and catholic oppression held while we you know the protestant persuasion hull we do you know beside his boasted armament the famed armada by the pope baptized with purpose to invade these realms is sailed ah last advice is so report whilst the iberian admiral's chief hope his darling son firollo whiskerendos height versailles by chance a prisoner has been tamed and in this thought of tilbury is now confined tears through and oft from young 12 turret's top i've marked the youthful spaniard's party mean and conquered though in chains you also know knows all this why does the water go on telling him but the audience are not supposed to know anything of the matter of it yes but i think you manage ill for there certainly seems no reason why sir walter should be so communicative oh cat love that is one of the most ungrateful observations i ever heard oh for the less inducement he has to tell all this the more i think you ought to be obliged to him for i am sure you know nothing of the matter without it that's very true upon my word but you will find he was not going on enough enough display and i no more i'm in amazement lost and now you see sir christopher did not in fact ask any one question for his own information yes indeed his has been a most disinterested curiosity really i find we are very much applies to them both to be sure you are but now then for the commander-in-chief the earl of leicester who you know was no favorite but of the queen we left off in amazement lost i'm in amazement lost but see when noble master comes supreme in honors and commands and yet my thinks at such a time so perilous so feared that staff might well become an abler grass and so by heaven think i but soft he's here i they envy him but who are these with him who very valued knights that one is the governor of the fort the other the master of the horse and now gentlemen i think you will hear some better language but i was obliged to be plain and intelligible in the first scene because there was so much matter of fact in it but now in faith you have trope figure and metaphor as plentiful as noun substantive how this my friends it's thus your new fled zeal anthony valor molts in roosted sloths why dimly glimmers that heroic flame whose reddening blaze by patriots when it said should be the beacon of a kindling realm can the quick current of a patriot heart thus stagnate into cold and weedy convert or freeze and tideless inactivity no rather let the fountain of your valor spring through each stream of enterprise each petty channel of contusive daring till the full torrent of your forming wrath or whelm the flats of sunk hostility no more a freshening breath of my rebuke has filled the swelling canvas of our souls and thus though fate should cut the cable of our topmost hopes in friendship's closing line we'll grapple with despair and if we fall we fall in glory's wake thus spoke old england's genius then are we all resolved we are all reserved to conquer or be free where they do agree on the stage their unanimities then let's embrace and now what the plague is going to praise in emergencies there is nothing like a prayer oh mighty mom why should he pray tomorrow if in my homies brady point of discipline i've still observed nor but by due promotion and the right of service to the rank of major general have arisen assist thy votery now then do not rise hear me and me and me and me and me now play all together very orthodox quinteto vastly well gentlemen is that well managed or not have you such a prayer as that on the stage not exactly but sir you haven't settled nowhere to get off here ah you could not go off kneeling could you those are quite impossible oh it would have a good effect if either you could yes excellent praying and would vary the established mode of springing off with a glance at the pit never mind since you get them off i'll answer it the audience won't care but it will then repeat the last line standing and um go off the old way [Applause] whatever means we use together all this shall two lord burley's ear tis meat it should hey what i thought these fellows have been asleep only pretense there's the art of it they were spies of lord burleigh isn't it though they were never taken notice of not even by the commander-in-chief oh yeah if people who wanted this nor over here were not always connived at in a tragedy there would be no carrying on any plot in the world that's very true about my words but take care my dear dangle the morning gun is about to fire oh oh that will have a side effect i think so helps to realize this is always the way in the theater give these fellows a good thing they never know when to have done with it you have no more cannon to fire no zone now then for soft music afraid what's that for the show's toberina is coming nothing introduces you a heroine like soft music here with her confident i suppose to be sure here they are inconsolable to them [Music] uh now has the whispering breath of gentleman that nature's voice and nature's beauty rise while orient phoebus with unborrowed hues clothes the waked loveliness which all night slept in heavenly drapery darkness is fled now flowers unfold their beauties to the sun and blushing kiss the beam he sends to wake them the striped carnation and the guarded rose the vulgar wallflower and smart gilly flower the polyanthus mean the dapper daisy sweet william and sweet marjoram and all the tribe of single and of double pinks now to the feathered warblers tune their notes around and charm the listening grove goldfinch green finch but oh to me no joy can they afford nor rose nor wallflower nor smart ghillie flower nor polyanthus mean nor dapper daisy nor william sweet nor marjoram nor lark lynette nor all the finches of the grove you white handkerchief madam i thought so i wasn't to use that till heart rending woe oh no madam at the finches of the grove if you please no lark lynette nor all the finches of the grove vastly well-made vastly well indeed for oh too sure heart-rending woe is now the lot of wretched till marina oh it is too much it is indeed oh be comforted sweet lady for who knows but heaven has yet some milk white day in store alas my gentle nora thy tender youth as yet hath never mourned love's fatal dart else which thou know that when the soul is sunk in comfortless despair it cannot taste of merriment that's certain but see where your stone father comes it is not meat that he should find jesus what the pig what a cut his ear why what has become of the description of her first meeting with don whisker evils his gallant behavior in the sea fight and the simile of the canary birds indeed sir you will find they will not be missed oh very well why the human if you please it is not meat that he should find you thus thou counts this right but tis no easy task for bare-faced grief to wear a mask of joy how's this in tears oh tilburina shame is this a time for mortal intendedness and cupid's baby woes has thou not heard that haughty spain's poke consecrated fleet advances to our shores while england's fate like a clipped guinea trembles in the scale then is the crisis of my fate at hand i see the fleet's approach i see how pretty gentlemen might this is one of the most useful figures we tragedy writers have by which a hero or heroine in consideration of their often being obliged to overlook a number of things that are on the stage he's allowed to hear and see a number of things that are not there's a kind of political second psych yes now then madam i see their decks are cleared i see the signal made the line is formed the cable's length asunder i see the frigates stationed in the rear and now i hear the thunder of the guns i hear the victor shroud i also hear the vanquished groan and now to smoke and now i see the loose sail shiver in the wind i see i see what soon you'll see oh dr peace this love has turned thy brain the spanish fleet thou canst not see because it is not yet inside yet again the governor seems to make no allowance for this political figure you talk of no plain matter of fact man that's his character but will you then refuse his offer i must i will i can i ought i do think what a noble price the more you urge invaders his liberty is all he asks all who are asked what i can't tell why he has been such a cutting and slashing don't know when i've got to myself indeed sir you will find it will connect very well and your rewards secure oh if they had not been so devilishly free with their cutting here you would have found that don whiskerandos has been tempering for his liberty and has persuaded tilburina to make this proposal to her father and now pray gentlemen observe the conciseness with which the argument is conducted it dad the pro and con goes as smart as hits in a fencing match i don't cheat in spain out glory your daughter's prayer your father's oath my lover my country till marina england a title honor a pension conscience a thousand pounds thou has touched me nearly you see haha she threw in a thousand bugs and the palpable had to get can star reject the suppliant and the daughter too no more i would not have they plead in vain the father softens but the governor is fixed aye that antithesis of persons a very established figure [Applause] hence then fond hopes fund passion hence beauty behold i am all over thine where is my love my beauteous enemies you must start a great deal more than that consider you had just determined in favor of duty when in a moment the sound of his voice revives your passion overthrows your resolution destroys your obedience if you don't express all that in your start feud nothing at all well we'll try again speaking from within has always a fire effect where is my love my beauteous enemy my conquering tilbury how is thus we meet why are thy looks averse what means that falling tear that frown of boding woe ah now i am indeed a prisoner yes now i feel the galling weight of these disgraceful chains which cruel till marina thy doting captive gloried in before but thou art false and whiskers is undone oh no how little does thou know thy till marina other than true begone cares doubts and fears i make you all a present to the winds and if the winds reject you try the way the wind you know is the established receiver of all stolen size and cast off griefs yet must we part stern duty seals our doom though here i call your unconscious clouds to witness could i pursue the bias of my soul all friends all right of parents i disclaim and thou my wiscorandos should be father and mother brother cousin uncle aunt and friend to me oh matchless excellence and must be part well if we must we must but in that case the less is said the better hey here's a cut what are all the mutual protestations out there oh please sir don't interrupt us just here you ruin our feelings your feelings zooms my feelings bob i pray don't interrupt them one last embrace now farewell forever for ever i forever steph and fury if you go out without the party look you you might as well dance out here yeah sir how am i to get off here you what the devil signifies how you get off edge your way at the top or where you will now then madam we understand you sir i forever ugh you see i don't attempt to strike out anything new but i take it i improve upon the established birds you do indeed but prey is not queen elizabeth to appear no not once but she is to be talked off forever so that a gadget will think a hundred times she's on the point of coming in hang it i think it's a pity to keep her in the green room all the night yes you will have a battle at last but it is not to be by land but by sea and that is the only quite new thing in the piece what drink at the armada yes in faith fire ships oh and then we shall end with a procession hey that will do i think no doubt come we must not lose time so now for the underplot what play give you another plot oh lord yes everyone you live have two plots to your tragedy the grand point in managing them is only to let your underplot have as little connection with your main plot as possible now i matter myself nothing could be more distinct than mine for as in my chief plot all the characters are great people i have laid my underplotted low life and as the former is to end in deep distress i make the other end of happiest of hearts well mr hopkins as soon as you please sir sir the carpenters say it is impossible you go to the park see you but park see no no i mean the description seen here in the woods wow sir the performers have cut it out cut it out what the whole account of queen elizabeth yes and the description of a horse and sights and oh yes sir no this is very fine indeed mr hopkins how does the plane could you suffer this oh sorry indeed the pruning knife the pruning knife the pruning moons the axe why here has been such a lopping and topping i shall have the bad trunk of my playlist presently so this is very fine indeed very well sir the performers must do as they please but upon my soul i'll print it every word as i would indeed very well sir then we must go on i would i would not have parted with a description of the horse once i go on sir it was one of the finest and most flavored things very well sir let them go on there you had him and his accoutrements from the bit to the crafter very well sir then we must go to the park city sir there is the point the carpenters say that unless you put in some extra business here before the drop they shan't have time to clear away the fort and sink graves end in the river so this is very fine indeed gentlemen you must excuse me these fellows will never be ready unless i go and look after them these little things will happen i'll paint it big dad printed every word uh gentlemen if you have any on track music you better play it now this may take some time [Music] without [Music] you [Music] so now then for the justices ah this i suppose is a sort of senate scene to be sure there has not been one yet this the under plot isn't it yes what gentleman do you mean to go at once to the discovery scene if you please suck though very well hockey i don't choose to say anything more but he faith they have mangled my play in the most shocking manner it's a great picture so then mr justice as soon as you plea are all the volunteers without they are some tenant fetters and some twenty drunk attends the youth whose most appropriate fame and clear convicted crimes have stamped him soldier he awaits your pleasure eager to repay the blessed reprieve that sends him to the fields of glory there to raise his branded hand in honor's course his world his justice arms him or may he now defend his country's laws with half the spirit he hath broke them all it would be your worship pleasure but imagine but i think mr puff not only the justice but the clown seems to talk in his higher style as the first hero among them effort for pity should not in a free country sir i am not one for making slavish distinctions and giving all the fine language to the upper sort of people oh that's very noble in you indeed now pray mark lucie forgive this interruption good my love but as i just now passed the prisoner youthful rude hands hear the lead strange boating seized my fluttering heart and to myself i said and if our tom had lived he'd surely been this stripping sights sure some powerful sympathy directs us both what is thy name my name's tom jenkins alias have i none though orphaned and without a friend my parents my father dwelt in rochester and was as i have heard a fishmonger no more what sir do you mean to leave out your account of your birth parentage in education they have settled it so sir here how loudly nature whispers to my heart and he no other name i'd seen a bill of his signed tom kim's creditor this does indeed confirm each circumstance the gypsy told prepare i do no orphan nor without a friend not thou i am my father here is thy mother there thy uncle this thy first cousin and those are all your near relations oh extra sea of bliss almost unlooked for happiness oh wonderful events there you see relationship like murder will out let's revive elsewhere this joy too much but come and we'll unfold the rest within and thou my boy must needs want rest and food hence may each often hope as chance directs to find a father where he least expects [Applause] well what do you think of that one of the finest discovery scenes i ever saw why this underpass would make a tragedy in itself or a comedy either and keeps quite clear you see the other uh the scene remains does it yes sir oh yes but you are to leave one chair you know but it is always awkward in a tragedy to have you fellows coming in in your playhouse liveries to remove things i wish that could be better managed so now for my mysterious human perdition catch my soul but i do love thee haven't i heard that line before no i fancy not where please i think there's something like it in a cellar a gag now you put me in my not i believe there is over that's of no consequence all that can be said is that two people happen to hit upon the same thought and shakespeare made use of it first that's all very true yes now for your soliloquy but speak more to the pit if you please the soliloquy always do the pit that's a rule though hopeless love finds comfort in despair it never can endure a rival's bliss but soft i am observed that's a very short solitary yes but it would have been a great deal longer if he'd not been observed the most sentimental beefy to that mr buff hockey i would not have you be too sure he is a beefeater not a hero in the sky no matter i only make a hint but now for my principal character here he comes lord burly pray jack step this way softly i only hope the lord high treasurer is perfect oh if he is but perfect so mr buff fastly well sir fastly well most interesting gravity what is he not to speak at all gag i thought you'd ask me that yes it is a very likely thing that a minister in his situation with the whole affairs of the nation on his head should have time to talk but sure you put him out put him out how the play can that be if he's not gonna say anything there's a reason why his part is to think and how the plate you imagine you can think if you keep talking that's very true upon my words oh hey he's very perfect indeed but pray what did he mean by that you don't take it no i don't upon myself why buy that shake of the head he gave you to understand that even though they had more justice in their cause and wisdom in their measures yet if there was not a greater spirit shown on the part of the people the country would at last fall a sacrifice to the hostile ambition of the spanish monarchy what the devil did he mean all that by shaking his head every word of it if he shook his head as i talked to him certainly is a vast deal to be done upon the stage by my damn show and expression of faith and the judicious author knows how far he'd been trustworthy ah here are two of our old acquaintances my niece and your niece too by heaven there's witchcraft in it he could not else have gained their hearts but see where they approach some horrid purpose lowering on my bro let us withdraw and mark them what is all this ah here has been more pruning oh but the fact is that these two young ladies are also in love with don whisker and us now gentlemen this scene goes entirely for what we call situation and stage effect by which the greatest applause may be obtained without the assistance of language sentiment or character pray mark elena here she is his scorn as much as i that is some comfort still life here you must not say that to her face aside mom aside the whole scene is to be aside she is his scorn as much as i that is some comfort still i know he prizes not paulina's love but till marina lords at her his heart but see the proud destroyer of my peace revenges all the good i've left he comes the false disturber of my quiet now vengeance do thy worst so hateful liberty if thus in vain i seek my tilburyna and ever shout oh we will thank you hold you or see your nieces bleat there's a situation for you ha ha there's an arrowing group you saw the ladies can't stand whiskerandos he does not strike them for fear of their uncles the uncles does not kill him for fear of their nieces i have a ball at a deadlock for every one of them is afraid to let go first why then they must stand there forever so they would if i hadn't a fine contrivance for it now mine in the queen's name i charge you all to drop your swords and daggers that's the contrivance indeed i in the queen's name have the peace come please but he that bids us us or renounce our guard oh thank you thou must do more renounce thy love o liest based beef eater ha hell does i by heaven there's rouse the lion in my heart off yeoman's habit base disguise off off off am i a beef eater now or beams my crest is terrible as when in biscay's bay i took thy captives there you see he comes out to be the very captain of the privateer who had taken on whisker and lost prisoner and was himself an old lover of tilberinas admirably managed to jesus now stand out of their way [Laughter] thus bestowed a weapon to chastise this insulin i take thy challenge spaniard and i thank the fortune too that's excellently contrived it seems as though the two uncles had left the swords for them on purpose oh no they could not help leaving vengeance until borina exactly sells [Music] [Applause] ah [Applause] hey i suck that last thrust in tears was painted captain thou hast fences well and with corandos quits this bustling scene for all he turned knitty he would have added but stern death cut short his being and the noun oh my dear sir you are too slow sir i should trouble you to die again edward corrandos quit this bustling scene for all sir i must ask you to practice this without me i can't stay here dying all night very well we'll go over it by and by yes i must humor these fellows farewell brave spaniard and we're next week here sir you need not speak that speech as the body as walked off that's true sir then i'll join the fleet if you please now who comes on a hemisphere of evil planets reign and every planet sheds contagious frenzy my spanish prisoner is slain my daughter meeting the dead course born alone has gone distracted [Music] but herc i am summoned to the fort perhaps the fleets have met amazing crisis o tilburyna from thy aged father's beard thus plucked the few brown hairs which time had left gentleman yes and no one to blame but his own daughter yeah the planets are true now into tiberina we're glad the business comes on quick here yes now she comes in stock mad in white satin white white satin oh lord sir when a hello wind goes match he always goes into white satin don't you dangle always it's a ruler yes here it is enter tilburina stark mad in white's attitude and her confidant stark mad in white lily but the devil is the confidante to be mad too sure she is the confidante is always to do whatever her mistress does weep when she weeps smile when she smiles go mad when she goes bad now then madame confident but um keep your madness in the background if you please [Applause] the wind whistles the moon rises ah see they've killed my squirrel in his cage is this a grasshopper no it is my whiskerandos you shall not keep him i know you have him in your pocket an oyster may be crossed in love who says a whale's a bird ah did you call my love he's here he's there he's everywhere there do you ever desire to see anyone matter than that never while i live you observed how she mangled the meter yes again it was the first thing made me suspect she was out of a census replay what becomes about she's gone to throw herself into the season oh sure that brings us at last to the scene of action and to my catastrophe i see fight i mean but you bring that on at last yes well you know my play is called the spanish otherwise he can't i have no occasion for a battle at all now then for my magnificence my noise my battle and my precision you are all ready yes is the tens dressed up see gentlemen there's a river for you this is blending a little of the mask with my tragedy a new fancy you know and very useful in my case for as there must be a procession i suppose the thames and all his tributive rivers to complement britannia with the fate in honour of the victory who are these gentlemen agreeing with him those those are his banks yes one crowned with alders the other with a villa but he want to play you've got both your banks on one side yes sir come round ten seven while you live go between your banks yeah so now for it my dear friends awakens [Music] [Music] [Music] ourselves into its songs ourselves into his songs [Music] [Music] uh [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] this was the chat [Music] is [Music] is [Music] there you have it sir the action and the words suited britannia rises [Music] is [Music] is [Music] lucky oh god save gentlemen what are you doing you scuttle the spirit of the nature he's only temporary mr puff she'll rise again when the seat men have studied the cube then give thanks her the nation's security depends on the navy not the seabed the navy has more rehearsal [ __ ] i feel very silly just sitting here and going up and down i am used to speaking but madame i have contrived it you are the center of attention well that's something i suppose but a little prologue wouldn't come a minute already now mr puff for your procession and the grand march then strike up gentlemen now you will see something my grand finale mr puff it could scare surpass what we've already seen i hope sir that is me [Music] my [Music] wow [Music] oh gentlemen [Music] thanks [Music] [Applause] [Music] the gloomy expression sir it's a triumph but a funeral [Music] life if you please [Music] yes [Music] oh [Music] wow [Music] oh [Music] oh well pretty well not quite perfect so ladies and gentlemen if you please we'll rehearse this piece again tomorrow open the door you rascals the claret is finished and so is the play thank you god dick you've run it down folks this time what are you talking about you have at least 48 hours actors you know can do anything monster video am i to be allowed home now unless i watch the damn thing too tomorrow sir when we are perfect nothing mr king and the whole history of the theater has ever been perfect if it were no one would bother to come good night [Music] my [Music] do [Music] you

Channel: busterthecat

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Length: 108min 41sec (6521 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 03 2021