Drew Lynch Stand-Up: Why I Hate Ordering Wine

here's why here's why you shouldn't hit your kids so [Applause] don't come here for soft spankings guys we're here for the good stuff here's why you here's why you hate your kids all right it's it's it's cause it makes them better you want something to be great it's it's it's gotta suffer here's an example go offer a stranger grapes offer them grapes most people will pass you unknown grapes they'll be like yeah now i'm i'm pretty indifferent to grapes man i don't have any exorbitant amount of love for grapes no one in here is like ah i can't wait to get home to my grapes but if you offer that same stranger wine [ __ ] yeah we'll take wine that's because wine is grapes that that we stepped on and locked away for 10 years we we abused it and it got better did you see that all right that was that's not as a long point but we got there um i love wine i love it so so so much but i hate i i hate ordering wine at fancy restaurants because it's because because it's always such a process right i was at a restaurant recently i said to the waiter i was like hey hey man can i get a red wine he's like sure let me grab the wine expert for you i was like oh no no no the transaction is over we did it fam you and me how hard is this criteria this is stumping you go in the back and find an alcohol that is wine and make sure that that that [ __ ] is red that's it that's the whole thing i need to send some dude to mansplain raisins to me i get it all right it's pretty pretty broad criteria okay he's like well no no you don't want to hear from the expert i was like look man this this is an olive garden okay we don't have where do you we read the room man i just want to get drunk and take my shirt off that's the whole [ __ ] tonight okay you know olive garden the cut the customers are topless the breadsticks are bottomless and and and everyone hates each other because when you're here your family that's the whole [ __ ] he's like no but he's very but oh but he's very knowledgeable i was like yeah i don't need a ted talk today bud i i i i want a bomb slur you feel me i'm trying to drink my way and do a new speech impediment tonight he's still sent him out though he sent out the y he sent out the wine expert who's wearing a full tuxedo and an apron which pick one don't do both i don't trust you man you work you work the front or the back what's your thing he came out he was like he's like hello i am the sam i am the family i am you don't know what a sommelier is that is a person who went to school to hide their drinking problems and they're given in tuxedo and an apron he was like yes hi i'm i am the sommelier what type of what type of wine i was i was like red what happens now do you do you send the chef out do i talk to him next how many employees do you got i'm not changing my answer he was like okay see okay okay so you see so you went like a cab i was like i i need to get drunk before i get a cab man so you think i was like no with like types of wine like you would like a cabernet or i was like do i look like the dude who could taste the difference man i'm in a t-shirt right now and a booster seat what do you think [Applause] just send out a vodka cranberry i don't give a [ __ ] i'll just i'll chew the ice i'm like oh this is this was a crunchy wine i guess i guess i guess i guess red you too also bring me more crayons you ever had a sommelier just describe the flavors of wine to you jesus it's they sound they sound clinically insane just i just i had a wine expert open when he opened a bottle he was like oh yes yes this one's got like hints of cigar smoke and leather purse and nail polish remover this is like a it's like an adult version of blue's clues what's happening right now is it a merlot no it was a dead hooker under the table those are your three clues so pretentious bro i wonder how soon after jesus turned water into wine some some [ __ ] was like oh i'm getting like hints of like dirty sandals and sweaty robe and burning bush or whatever i bet jesus jesus was like jesus christ man he was the first one to say his own name he was like jesus me christ i cannot i i i performed the wrong miracle clearly should have turned that [ __ ] into water and moonwalked the [ __ ] out of here cause this was

Channel: Drew Lynch

Views: 328,610

Keywords: Dog Vlog, Comedy, Comedian, Drew Lynch, Stutter, America's Got Talent, Howie Mandel, Golden Buzzer, Finalist, Stand up, Service Dog, Vizsla, Speech Impediment, funny, AGT, Drew Lynch stand up, Wine, Sommelier, Olive Garden, Alcohol

Id: DCh0CG1hmIg

Length: 5min 38sec (338 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 28 2020