- Hey all stars. - Hey. - So, a queen walks out of a bar and into the drag race hall of fame. But first, she's got to put her
money where her funny is. (gasping) And I'm not joking, bitch. Where are the jokes? (bass beat) - Hello.
(crowd clapping) Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Anybody else on their period? (crowd laughing) You know, I'm a little bit
into the horror movies. Can you guess which one? "Carrie", yes. How many people have
seen "Carrie" actually? Let's see. Good. Good. The real special thing about Carrie is that she has telekinetic powers. Telekinesis means that you can
move things with your mind. The last time I moved
anything with my head, it was in a motel room
(crowd laughing) the John through $40 on my (beep) and told me to get the (beep) out. (crowd laughing) I was like I'm leaving, (beep) leaving. Good God. You ain't gotta yell at me like that. I'll see you at home dad. (crowd laughing) (upbeat music) - I'm a drag queen. When you first start doing drag it's like you want to be the fishiest, you want to have the best body, but now I want to be a fat girl. I want to be a fat girl. You can get (beep) from anywhere. Every guy wants to secretly
(beep) a fat bitch, number one. So I'm not gonna have
no man problems, okay? I want to be like really fat. I want to get pregnant
and not even know it. (crowd laughing) Have you seen those specials on TV? And it's usually a big girl. It's like, of course she didn't know
she was (beep) pregnant. (crowd laughing)
You know what I mean? I want to go to the
bathroom, sit on the toilet and become a mother. (crowd laughing) Okay? No matter what size I am, I
will be the body beautiful. Always. Okay? Do you want to see? A little preview. (crowd cheering) And I will still (beep)
turn it darling, always. (upbeat music) - Woo!
(crowd cheering) Yes bitches! It is not Angelina Jolie. It is not Beyonce. It's your girl Alexis all
the way from Puerto Rico. (yelling in Spanish)
(crowd cheering) Honey. And I am so excited because I always wanted to be a star honey. So I left Puerto Rico behind and I moved to United States,
all the way to Florida. I did travel in first class, right in front of that boat, baby. Honey, I'm a Latina girl and I only have two
options in this country, being a housekeeper or
being a stripper bitches. And y'all know I didn't came
here to clean toilets, baby. So I became a stripper, baby! (crowd cheering) Yes ma'am, honey, if
God gave it to you baby, you better make some money.
(crowd laughing) Yes ma'am. I am here and I'm queer baby! (bass beat)
- Mm-hm. I said bitch better have my money. Right? Let me tell you something baby, they call me Laqueefa. Laqueefa the P and P. Now that stands for
the postmodern pimp-ho. (crowd laughing) Postmodern pimp-ho means
yes I'm still a pimp, but I'm also my own ho. (crowd laughing) That's right. 'Cause of the recession
y'all, I'm telling you, I done have to scale back, you know? And sometimes I don't even
pay myself my own money. (crowd laughing)
Uh-huh. If I did maybe I could
get some shoes so my toes weren't hanging five inches off the edge. (crowd laughing)
Yeah. I know you trying to clown
me for my cliffhangers. Yeah. I saw it. You know, and they always trying to clown me on the block, baby. They always saying "Laqueefa!" I say "What?" (crowd laughing) They say "Laqueefa, where your ho's at?" I said, "Bitch, don't you see "I'm wearing four pair of hose right here "holding back my (beep)?" (crowd laughing) You know, I had a dumb-ass girlfriend that went and joined PETA. She came screaming at me last week, talking like "Laqueefa!" I said "What?" (crowd laughing) She said "Laqueefa, don't you know "how many innocent animals had to die "for you to have that fur coat?" I said "Bitch, "do you know how many rich animals "I had to (beep) to get this coat?" (crowd laughing) Stupid bitch! (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) - Hi everyone. My parents weren't
really big about the TV. I really only had like
PBS and "Sesame Street." "Sesame Street" was one gay-ass block. (crowd laughing) Okay, obviously we have Bert and Ernie, I mean they're so gay they practically are
board members of "GLAD." Um. Now, one of my favorite people that lives on Sesame Street is the Count. He's one of those old, Liberace gays. And he loves collecting
chachkies like Faberge eggs. One Faberge egg. Two Faberge egg. Three Faberge egg. Ah-ah-ah.
(crowd laughing) (upbeat Latin American music)
(crowd cheering) (crowd laughing) (crowd cheering) - Hi. I'm Yara Sofia. I'm gonna make a long story short. I met a guy in a club and he
took me to a wonder restaurant he called McDonald's. (crowd laughing) "Do you want a chicken sandwich?" What the heck is chicken? She told me "Chicken means polla." Polla means (beep) in Spain! (crowd laughing) I said "I don't want to
eat a (beep) sandwich." After that he took me to the apartment and he took her clothes off. Oh my god, what the hell is that? It was huge. The difference between an
onion and a 14-inch (beep), both maked me cry. (crowd laughing) (crowd cheering)
(fart sound) Get out! Get out! Get
out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! There was (beep) all over the bed. I felt like Willie
Wonka's chocolate factory! (RuPaul laughing) (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) - My name's Delta Work. I'm in my early to, early 30's. And I'm here in Southern California just kind of looking for love, you know? And it's kind of hard
for a big girl like me because it's so body conscious in L.A. and it freaks me out to think who is gonna want a girl like me? (crowd laughing) What? Is that funny? (crowd laughing) Like I see these stories
about these girls, they go out running and then they get like
abducted and assaulted and you know it's like I have to eat frozen burritos. I have to watch the
marathon of "Hoarders." Because if I go out and
exercise, I'm gonna get raped. (crowd laughing) You guys have been an amazing audience, thank you so much for coming out. We appreciate you coming out.
(crowd cheering) (bass beat) (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) - Hey!
(crowd cheering) My name is Miss Darienne Lake. I like to say miss 'cause it
lets the boys know I'm single. (crowd laughing)
You know? Of course my 14 cats and my appearance on
"Hoarders, Buried Alive" might also let them know I'm single. (crowd laughing) I asked my mother, I'm like "Mom, "how did I end up so twisted? "Like did you like drop me on
my head when I was a baby?" She was like "Honey, you have
to be held to be dropped." (crowd laughing) I am here representing all
the big and curvy girls. - Hey.
(crowd clapping) - I'm trying to get in shape. I mean, well round is a shape, you know? - [Crowd Member] Yes, it is. - At the gym, I'm like a ninja. You will never see me there. (crowd laughing) I know we got some old people
here in the audience tonight. Yes, how y'all doing? Yeah, did you guys all
come together on the ark? (crowd laughing) Tell Noah I say "Hello."
(crowd laughing) - As you may have all
gathered from my accent, I am from Idaho. (crowd laughing) I'm kidding. I'm from Australia. Land of kangaroos, land of Olivia Newton-John, and "throw another shrimp on the barbie." - Yeah. - Well, what if I don't
want shrimp thrown on me? (crowd laughing) I want to look fishy, not smell fishy. All right?
(crowd laughing) So, I moved to America recently. I moved to West Hollywood. And I've written a little bit of a song about some of the people
that I've met there and I'd like to sing it for you now. ♪ They'll take you down
with just one look ♪ ♪ They hunt in packs,
they don't read books ♪ ♪ Injectable tans and old tattoos ♪ ♪ Too young for Botox,
got nothing to lose ♪ ♪ They're the mean gays,
they live in West Hollywood ♪ ♪ They're the mean gays ♪ ♪ They'll take your wood if they could ♪ ♪ I'm a mean gay ♪ ♪ Well you would if you could ♪ ♪ I might look nice but do think twice ♪ ♪ Before you take me on ♪ (crowd clapping) (upbeat music)
Thank you. - Hi. You're probably wondering why I look like a Mexican Katy Perry right now aren't you? My mother is a chola. Do you guys know what a chola is? Can I get a show of hands? Yeah, we're in L.A. mother-(beep). Yeah.
(man laughing) My mom's a chola and she likes big (beep). Okay. No, yeah. I was really scared when I heard that senior citizens were gonna be in the (beep)
audience tonight, okay? Just blame my (beep) grandma because she likes to go
to TJ and get work done so I never grasped the
concept to respect my elders. The bitch never ages. She has a fake ass and a fake hip, and I'm pretty sure the ass
came first and broke the hip so I don't know what the hell she's doing. But anyways, my grandma's a whore. No? Okay cool. It's my first time people. (laughing nervously) You guys having fun? (crowd cheering)
- Yeah. (upbeat music) - I'll mow your lawns later. - My name is BenDeLaCreme,
hold for applause. Okay. And I'm delighted to be
here with a live audience. I love it when there's people
just right in front of me and I can feel like I
could just reach right out and touch you if I wanted to. I don't want to, don't worry about that. But I feel like I could if I wanted to which is a great option to have. I'm far away from my hometown
of Seattle, Washington. It's the city that never dries, but you know its rain is not so bad. It is a moist area, but it's
my moist area and I love it. A lot of people come there you just need to wear the
right protection, you know? There's a lot of stereotypes
about Seattleites, but they're really just regular folk. Extremely regular folk. You know, caffeine, all
in line for the restroom. We love a good rest. But, um, but, I digress. The point is I feel like I've learned to sort of weave a story, bring somebody on an arc
that really ends somewhere, where they feel like the
whole thing's been meaningful and they're gonna wind up with something that made
the whole thing worthwhile. - [Man In Crowd] So tell us a joke. (bass note) - Good night everybody. - [Michelle] Wow. (upbeat music)
(crowd clapping) - Hey, hey, hey, hey! Put your lighters up! Ganja's in the house! Yeah-ow! As you can tell from my accent,
I am from Dallas, Tex-ass. And it was not very easy
growing up looking like this. Whether I was playing
in my grandma's clothes or putting on a show
for my well-organized, alphabetically ordered beanie-babies, I was gug-guh-guh-gay. Okay? But it wasn't until I moved to Los Angeles that I discovered marijuana. I mean I like to smoke. Y'all I am just flying as high as your receding hairline, okay? (crowd groaning) Marijuana really does help me calm down. So y'all, I went to Valencia where they filmed the TV show "Weeds." Now, y'all, it's very dry. It's almost kind of like your vagina. (crowd groaning) Can I get an amen? Now y'all, I am a tree-hugger because if it ain't green,
ha, I'm not interested, okay? (scattered clapping) (upbeat music) - Get up and show me some love. Come on. Get up. Show me some love. Get up. I got an honest (beep). Honest track. This stuff is hot.
(crowd clapping) Thank you. Thank you. This ain't easy. I am not a comedian so go ahead sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. (beep) (beep) Sit down. (laughing)
So if you all have not already noticed, I am black. But don't be worried, you know, you don't have to hold onto
your purses and your wallets, I already got 'em. (crowd laughing) Growing up for me was really hard because we were really poor. We were like "Good Times" poor. It was really, really gay.
(RuPaul laughing) And um, the only way we
had the opportunity to eat was my mother would read us
recipes from a cook book. (crowd laughing) And oh how I got full many nights off of the roast beef on page 27. (crowd laughing) But a really unfortunate thing happened, my sister caught an ear infection
so she starved to death. (crowd laughing) I really grew up a lot
with my grandmother. I stayed at my grandmother's house, one, because she was just a sweet lady and two, because she had food. (crowd laughing)
But, she had this really crazy
obsession with her bills. And it was the light bill in particular. Everything involved the light bill. Stop running around my house like that, you're gonna run my light bill up. (crowd laughing) Stop flushing that toilet so much, you're gonna run my damn light bill up. (crowd laughing) Stop breathing so much, you're gonna run my light bill up. I just feel like I can be myself and just let my hair down
with all of you people. - [Crowd Member] Whoa! (crowd laughing) - Good time. It's a party. It's a party! (crowd cheering)
Yes! - You know, I've suffered
from ADHD all of my life. It's a constant struggle every day. (crowd aww-ing) Ooh look, a rhinestone (giggling). (crowd laughing) But I'm always getting (beep) you know. "Oh, you're so skinny why
don't you just eat something." Or "Eat a cheeseburger you skinny bitch." And all I want to say is "Well then give me something to eat, "I'm (beep) starving!" So I've got a little theory going here. Ever since I've come to the
show and I've met RuPaul, I have a little theory here. I'm gonna run it by you. I've seen RuPaul in the
work room out of drag. I see RuPaul here on the
runway as a drag queen. Never in the same room at the same time. Both RuPaul's, same person. Pretty sure I cracked the code. (funky music) Just saying. (crowd cheering) - I am so excited to see the
cast of "Cocoon" is here. (crowd laughing)
You look fabulous! Miss! I'm over here. Bring both eyes. I'm right here!
(crowd laughing) Damn, Pearl Harbor must've did ya in. (crowd laughing) On a lighter note, I'd like to
let you know about my family. My mother is from Cuba and
my dad is from Honduras, which basically means I have
a large (beep), no credit, and a tendency to take things
that don't belong to me. (crowd laughing) My mother insisted that we stay
true to our Spanish heritage so my first words were
"(knocking) house keeping." (crowd laughing) I like the gentleman
in back who's sleeping, makes me feel right at home. Can you wake that bitch up? Yeah, the one right there
with the horizontal stripes. Not a good look in your 3rd
trimester sir, all right? (crowd laughing) All I've ever heard from the judges was that we need to see more versatility, and you know what I gotta say to y'all is that I will show you versatility when Santino wins a sewing competition and Visage wears a (beep) turtleneck. (crowd laughing) Ain't gonna happen! (crowd laughing) Well I gotta say I hope
you guys had a lot of fun. And because I'm feeling extra special, I'm gonna put fresh tennis balls on every walker in the place. (crowd laughing) Jello, all around! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mwah! (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music) - [Announcer] Our hostesses
with the mostesses, Mrs. Kasha Davis and Katya.
(crowd clapping) - Oh my goodness everyone. We want to welcome you to the
first annual Despy Awards. Now Katya, what in the hell
does "Despy" stand for? - Well judging from the
looks of the nominees, I'm gonna go with desperate,
egotistical, sluts prancing in the yard. (RuPaul laughing)
(crowd cheering) - [Kasha] Got it! - The talented Ginger Minj is here tonight or as I like to refer to her
"the Danny DeVito of drag." (crowd laughing) - And we have in our presence Miss lame, shame, pain. - Whatever.
- Whatever. - The gorgeous Pearl. The drag equivalent of a Valium
taking a Xanax in a K-hole. (judges laughing) - And last but not least. - As usual. - We have - Violet.
- Violet. (Violet laughing) (crowd laughing) - Please welcome to the stage the stars of Tyler Perry's "Roots", Kennedy Davenport and
Miss Jaidynn Diore Fierce. (RuPaul laughing)
(crowd clapping) - Hello everyone. Straight from Kunta Kinte's hut. (crowd laughing) The hourglass and the wall clock.
(crowd laughing) - Hold on. Who's the wall clock? - Step over there. - Okay. - Do this. - Okay. - My point. (crowd laughing) - [Jaidynn] Anyways, we are here to present this award for the sexy, sexy drag queen. - Let us announce these awful nominees. Kandy Ho! - And we all know how
she got that last name. - In the back alley honey. - Whore. (crowd laughing) Miss Fame. - Oh, the brand. Since when did the dollar
store become a brand? (crowd laughing) - And Max. Girl, ain't that the queen
from that movie "Powder?" (crowd laughing) - The winner is
- Girl. (drum roll) - Miss Fame! (brass music)
(crowd cheering) - I wish I could cry but
goddamn Botox got me every time. Other than that I'd like to thank Mexico for the tapeworm that snatched my body. And the man upstairs, thank
you so much for the light. I look great! (crowd laughing) Thank you so much! - [Announcer] Next up. Pearl and Max. - It is a true honor to be presenting the Despy Award for
most busted drag queen. What is a busted drag queen? I'm glad you asked.
- Oh yes. The nominees are Mrs. Potato, I mean Miss
Jaidynn Diore Fierce. (crowd laughing) - Miss Ginger Minj. Girl. After we swing on by gator land, we can get on back to my
apartment and swing on my husband. (crowd laughing) The Brooke Hogan of drag, Katya. (crowd laughing) - And last but certainly not
youngest, Mrs. Kasha Davis. (crowd laughing) - Did you hear that dear? (RuPaul laughing) And the winner is (drum roll)
(gasping) - Jaidynn Diore Fierce! (brass music)
(crowd cheering) - Thank you to all my
fellow horrible drag queens. I hope you all burn in hell. (RuPaul laughing) And I mean it. (crowd cheering) - [Announcer] Next up,
Ginger Minj and Kandy Ho. - I am so honored to be here at the first annual Despy Awards. - And I'm working off community service. (crowd laughing) - We've gathered the very best to present the award
for the shadiest shade. (Ginger gasping) - Congratulations Kandy! Oh, I think it's high time that your beard gets the public recognition it deserves. (crowd laughing) - No, no Ginger. This award is for that girl who
knows how to throw the shade and not apply it. - And the nominees are - the girl who puts the fun
in ele-funt, Ginger Minj. (crowd laughing) - The, how do I say this and
remain socially responsible? "Black horse" of the
competition, Kennedy Davenport. (crowd laughing) - And last, as usual, Violet Chachki! And the award goes to Violet Chachki! (brass music)
(crowd cheering) - You don't like me. You really don't like me! And last but not least, God, thanks. (RuPaul laughing)
(crowd clapping) - Next up, Miss Fame and Violet Chachki. - Are there any married
couples in the house? Michelle Visage, how long? - 17 years. - Ooh girl, no, how long? (crowd laughing) - As someone who is highly
experienced with handling meat, I cannot wait to hear the
nominees for meatiest tuck. - Oh, so you work in meat packing? - [Violet] You could say that. - Oh. - Then let's go ahead
and receive the nominees. - [Fame] Katya, VIP. - Very impressive package. Jaidynn Diore Fierce. - Hey girl! - Meatiest tuck? Girl, let's be honest, looks like she smuggled a
honey-baked ham in her panties. (crowd laughing) That brings us to our last nominee. Pearl.
- Pearl. - Pearl's tucking ability is
just like her personality, semi-precious, exhausted,
and barely there. (crowd laughing) And the Despy Award goes to Katya! (brass music)
(crowd cheering) - I believe it was the
great American painter Bob Ross who said (RuPaul laughing) "The key to a swollen vagina is courage." (RuPaul laughing) (crowd cheering) - Have a good night everyone. Thank you so much. (crowd cheering) (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music) - Hi everybody! Well I'm gonna be your hostess and MC. I'm just gonna start off
with saying I'm sorry. (crowd laughing) So um, how many of y'all saw season 5? Season 5, "RuPaul's Drag Race?" (crowd cheering) You saw the roast? Yeah, I suck. I suck more than Michelle
Visage at a truck stop with a glory hole, right? So listen, I'm here, you
know, just struggling, another thing I struggle
with is my weight. Anybody struggle with weight? - Woo! - Yeah, girl. I mean I just don't know how to get rid of those extra pounds. And these damn airports, you know, the bags can only be 50 pounds and it costs a lot of money
to look this cheap, you know? But I'm so excited, are y'all
ready for some real comedy? - [Crowd] Yeah! - 'Cause I'm dying up
here ladies and gentlemen. Now, I'm not the funniest. (crowd laughing) - You killed that one sis! (crowd laughing) - First up out of the
gate, besides myself, is these two girls. One thing that they do
love is the color orange. Coco Montrese and Phi Phi O'Hara! (crowd cheering)
(funky music) - Woo! Hey daddy. - Oh my God, Cocita, there you are! (crowd laughing) How's everything out here
on the strip tonight? - Oh girl it ain't going to good honey. The last john I sat on,
woof, I had Mexican food, it wasn't that good. - Man, I'm so sorry to hear that, but I have a little favor to ask of you. - What you want girl? - Think you could do my makeup? - Sit down. I got my good stuff. - Oh my God I'm so excited. You know every time I'm on like your social medias and stuff. - Mm-hm. - I'm always looking at
your pictures and I'm like oh my God, no filters. - Mm-hm.
(crowd laughing) - Okay, well first tell me what is the first step in this, you know, Cocita makeup tutorial? - First, you gotta take that
bag of cheesy chips girl. - Okay. Okay.
(crowd laughing) - Crush it up real good. - Okay. Okay. - Then you gotta, you gotta just take it and beat that face.
- Oh, oh. - I mean girl you got to beat it, beat it like you stole something. (crowd laughing) So what's this audition for anyway? - Well I'm gonna be an actress. - Girl, I hope it's not a musical. You know any instrument
you play you gotta blow. - That's not true mama, I've
been writing a lot of stuff. ♪ Jump in a car ♪ ♪ And jump out ♪ ♪ The cops are coming, put
the hands on the hood ♪ - Girl, hold on. Hold on. Hold on girl. I got something for you. - Oh, what's this?
- I got you a key. - A key? - 'Cause you can't seem to find one girl. (funky music) - [Katya] Coco and Phi Phi are not so much doing a comedy
routine, but a live-action off, off, off, off
Broadway theater production of "Hookers at the Point." (crowd cheering)
- Hey there! What seems to be going on? (crowd cheering)
(judges laughing) So Rocky was bombing up here, so yeah, she asked me to come and
finish the show for her. You don't wanna see anymore of her, right? My name is Tasha Salad. I was on season 5 of "Rupaul's Drag Race." Do you remember? I'm so excited to be here. I just got off the best Italian vacation. I was over in the
beautiful Thousand Island on a beautiful ranch. And let me tell you, I flew in
just to try and save her ass. Are you ready for some more comedy? Are you ready? Are you
ready? Are you ready? (crowd cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen, she is the blue cheese to
the other one's crumbles. (crowd laughing)
Make some noise, this is Alyssa Edwards and Alaska! (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) - My name is Alaska, just like the state. - My name is Alyssa Edwards. - Yes. - And this definitely
ain't nobody's secret, that this gigorama is
completely full of buffoonery, (crowd laughing) rigory, (crowd laughing) and straight up tomfoolery. (crowd laughing) - Totally. (crowd laughing) Alyssa, we're in the company
of some amazing queens tonight. - Where? (crowd laughing) - Ouch. (crowd laughing) Detox and Tatianna are here. - The heels have eyes part two, the remix. (crowd laughing) - Bam. (crowd laughing) Alyssa, describe Michelle
Visage in one word. Go. (drum roll) - Beast! (crowd laughing) - Burn. (crowd laughing) Alyssa, I want to thank you so much for being my partner tonight. Don't worry, if drag doesn't work out, you'll always have
something to fall back on. Your back rolls. (crowd laughing) - These next two girls, let me tell you, they are so nutty. Besides walnuts and almonds, these are my favorite
nuts ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise! This is Ginger Minj and Katya! (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music) - It's not the first
time she's gotten clap from a room full of people. (crowd laughing) Well hey y'all! How are you? You know I'm so excited
to be here tonight, sharing the stage with my BFF, Katya! (crowd cheering) Now I know most of you might be sitting out there asking yourself "Self", that's what you say, you say "Self, "now how does a delicate, petite, "little cross dresser for Christ "become best friends
with a disease-riddled, "low-rent, Russian whore?" (crowd laughing) - You see I spend most
of my time on my back while she tries to find
someone to shave hers. (crowd laughing) - It's funny 'cause it's true (laughing). Seriously, this one
right here has more fish than an all you can eat seafood buffet. - That's funny Ginger. I'm sure you know all about the buffet, you know because you're fat. (crowd laughing) - Shut up. I will turn you into immigration, balky. All right?
(crowd laughing) - But through it all, we
have plunged head-first into the most beautiful friendship and we have never looked back. Mostly because she doesn't have a neck and she can't really turn her head. (crowd laughing)
Thank you all so much. Good night!
- No, bitch, get back here! I got asthma but I will catch you. (crowd laughing) - Ladies and gentlemen, do I
look a little slimmer to you? Like I lost some weight? Do you wanna know my secret? I started using light dressing. (scattered clapping)
Get it? - [Drag Queen] We got it girl. We got it. - Okay, next up, well one of
these girls, she is so fishy. She is the sardines in Caesar dressing. The other girl prefers
un-cut carrots in her salad. Make some noise! This is Detox and Tatianna! (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) - Hey! Hello! Hello! Hello! My name is Lydia Ladybits. - And I'm Beatrice Backdoor. (crowd laughing) Thank y'all so much for
coming to tonight's event. It's a benefit for
Babies Battling Bulimia. (crowd laughing) - But I already see there's a bevy of
beautiful, bitter bitches already here hitting the buffet. (crowd laughing) Be and I met last year at Patty's Pooches with
Prolapse garden party. We did.
- Oh my God. - The rosebuds were in full bloom. - The assholes were out, literally. (crowd laughing) Especially this one's date. - Date? I came alone. - You came with Carlos the gardener! (crowd laughing) Well, what? You were blowing saliva water balloons. (crowd laughing) And all you guys are here, giving your time and your
money to this lovely benefit for teeny-tiny, teeny-tiny tots. But I just want to know
when you're gonna have some teeny-tiny tots of your own their Be? - I've always wanted some. My doctor keeps telling me that my test, that my ovaries are
just getting in the way. (crowd laughing) You know, I've always wanted
to tell you something. There's a secret behind the
woman that you see here today. - Oh no, is there really? - Oh this is hard for me to say. - It's okay dar, spit it out. No matter what you're about to tell me, you will always be in my
eyes, my best girl friend. (crowd laughing) - You see, I used to have braces. (crowd laughing)
- Oh Be! You are incredible Be! We'll see you next year. Oh, oh no. That Sally Field, that (beep)
lied to me about the Boniva. - Come on.
- Let's do it. (crowd cheering) - Ladies and gentlemen, the
joy is on the show, say yeah! (crowd cheering) We want to thank you guys
for coming out tonight. And if you can't laugh at yourself, how in the hell are you
gonna laugh at somebody else? Can I get an amen? - [Crowd] Amen! - Good night! (upbeat music) - Michelle, is that Dahlia? - Yes. She's stalking us. - Oh. The Big Pink Furry Box Theater presents "Jackie Cox: Between Two Parents." (crowd cheering)
- Hello! Hello! Now it may be hard to believe from what you see in front of you, but both of my parents are scientists. (crowd laughing) my father is a mild-mannered Canadian with a very dry sense of humor. My mother is from Iran and like many immigrant parents, had a very clear list of things that she wanted me to accomplish
to fulfill her dreams. Top of which is become a doctor. And nowhere on this list (crowd laughing) was drag queen. Bouncing between these two households, my parents clearly did not stay married, was something that challenged
me in many different ways. Take my mother for instance, I'm maybe 12 years old, watching the TV. (crowd laughing) - What is this? (crowd laughing) I do not approve of these Spice Girls. This is too sexy-mexy. Go to your room and go study
your book on male anatomy. Well you don't have to tell me twice. (crowd laughing) So I hear you are interested in performing and music and dancing. I believe in you. Okay, first things first,
we're gonna start with ballet and then jazz and then tap
and then all of the dancing starting from Flamenco to Salsa. Dad, this is a lot. I don't know if that's what I want to do. But a few years later I started to get a little bit of an idea. Me and a few friends sneak out and we drive down to Chicago Gay Pride. And that's when I see
them for the first time. They look eight feet tall,
giant high heels, giant hair. These aren't just women,
these are drag queens. And I am mesmerized.
(crowd clapping) I decide to take home a little souvenir. A beautiful white feather boa
with sparkly parts in it too. I get home, sneak that boa, hide it up in the top-most
corner of my closet. (crowd laughing) What is this? (crowd laughing) If my mom can get past the fact that I'm a drag queen
on national television, hopefully she'll get over
this impression of her. And what have I figured out? Having someone in your corner
who is always cheering you on and believes in you, that's love. And I learned that having someone who always wants to make sure that nothing bad will ever happen to you, that's real love. And I also learned to hide that
feather boa a little better. (crowd laughing) (crowd cheering) Thank you guys! (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music) - I'm a little worried
having to follow this act because she definitely
put a lot of herself and her heart in it, and I'm
not playing myself at all. - Next, Crystal Methyd in "Phenomenal Phil,
Exotic Dance Instructor." (dance music)
(crowd cheering) - Thank you, thank you! How we doing tonight ladies? (crowd cheering)
(judges laughing) All right, well I'm Phenomenal Phil, exotic dance instructor to the stars. (RuPaul laughing) I worked with Channing Tatum. I taught him how to do "the worm." (crowd laughing) I've also taught Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson how to do "the sprinkler." (crowd cheering)
(RuPaul laughing) I even taught Betty White
how to do "the jerk." (crowd cheering)
(judges laughing) Are y'all ready to start feeling yourself? (crowd cheering) I brought you moves from my
dance training DVD "Fill Me Up." (Whoopi laughing)
(crowd cheering) This first move is "the litter box." But
(crowd laughing) get yourself in the mind of a pussycat. And then you gotta get that
soiled sand like out of here! Get it out!
(crowd laughing) And then we're gonna dump it, okay? (crowd oh-ing) Get it out!
(crowd laughing) Fill her up! We're not done yet. But we probably got some on our legs, so give a little bit of this,
(crowd laughing) a little of that. - All right, Crystal. She's killing it out here. (crowd woo-ing) You might have to change
your name to Phenomenal Phil after this performance. - This is my big money maker. It's "the Brazilian banana inspector." (crowd ooh-ing)
Start up and just find the banana in the tree. I think they grow on trees. (crowd laughing) Pull it down and then you gotta make sure you work the nips on the way down. So (mumbling). (crowd laughing) And a little bit of that! And then we work it down to the hips. (crowd cheering)
(RuPaul laughing) All right everybody. I think that's about all
the time I have for today. I'll be in the back selling my DVD but only for about 20 minutes because I'm performing
at a bar mitzvah later! (crowd laughing)
(upbeat music) Thank you! (crowd cheering) - Up next, Heidi Aphrodite in "Cookout With Your Cheeks Out." - Ooh, y'all look so good! Y'all look so good. I really just want to give y'all
some of my hometown livin'. The first member of my
family I want you to meet is my grandmother. She's the one who raised me and she really hates everyone. (crowd laughing) Let me introduce you to grandmother. 'Bout time all y'all got here in my house! Now y'all best stop opening
up my door and stuff. I don't pay to air-condition the outside. Oh Lord have mercy here comes Sharon with that nasty-ass potato salad. Oh Lord.
(crowd laughing) Hello. Hello, how are you all doing? I brought the potato salad. Don't worry, I'm a put it
right here in the middle. Now Sharon, I done told you
about that potato salad. You don't season it. You don't put the right potatoes in it. You don't even put mustard in it. (gasping) How dare you talk about my potato salad! And there's always Uncle Rob, the drunk. (crowd laughing) Why y'all... (hiccuping) (crowd lady laughing) Why y'all fightin'? Rob, I done told you, take your drunk-ass
and sit down somewhere, always in somebody's business. The party don't start 'til
cousin Slick walks in. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo wassup? (mumbling gibberish) Wassup, wassup, wassup yo. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo what's here to eat? Aunt Sharon says "You know, it's my potato salad here. "You know, it's so good." No, no, no Aunt Sharon. No, no, no. You know the last time I had
your potato salad (laughing) I had to blow that bathroom up! (crowd laughing) Dumb-ass. (crowd laughing) Just you wait and see Sharon. I'm gonna laugh right in your face. - Heidi is not giving what
I expected from Heidi. - Yo, yo, yo, I gotta go. Bye, bye, bye, bye. - Baby, the ship is, it's not sinking but there's a few holes in it. - Have a good night everybody. (crowd cheering) - The Furry Box Theater
presents Gigi Goode in "Welcome Aboard Brimstone Airways." (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music) - Good morning sinners. Welcome aboard Brimstone
Airways flight 666, non-stop to hell.
(crowd laughing) Right, you all did something in your lives to piss off the big guy upstairs. I'm gonna let you know why a couple of you are here, all right? Let's see. You. You in the front row in
this ripped-up denim jacket, what's your name? - Derek. - Gary, nice to meet you Gary. (crowd laughing)
Gary. Your credit score sucks Gary. (crowd laughing) You. What's your name? - Morgan. - I'm gonna call you Karen from now on. Is that okay?
(crowd laughing) I'm gonna tell you why you're
on your way to hell Karen, it's because you're a goddamn hippocrite. (crowd laughing)
All right? I see you mixing textiles. (crowd oh-ing) He's paying attention. (crowd laughing) Give me one second. I'm gonna gather my
extremely important tools. (opening drawer) All right. If you'll kindly familiarize yourself with the lack of exits on this aircraft. You look to my left and right, that's right, no exits here. (crowd laughing)
Okay? For your in-flight snacks
we have just one option. It's peanuts. (crowd ah-ing) Unsalted peanuts. (crowd laughing) Welcome to hell, bitch. (crowd laughing) Okay, let's see where I'm at now. All right. So. - I love Gigi's concept but I'm seeing Gigi kind of
trying to remember her outline and keep going back to it when she's on a roll on different jokes. - Okay. All right. So, when we do land,
something will magically open, then you'll get off and
immediately engulfed in flames. So as stated before, that tiny piece of fabric
with metal attached to it is not gonna protect
you from (beep) Karen. (crowd laughing) Or you Gary. (crowd laughing) I see you're wearing
distressed denim, it's 2020. (crowd laughing)
Let's keep that in mind. All right, I've just received
word from the captain that we are beginning our initial decent. On behalf of Brimstone Airways, I want to thank you for choosing us as your means of transportation today. And please, enjoy your stay in Detroit. (crowd laughing) Thank you. Burn in hell. Thank you. Go (beep) yourself Gary. (crowd laughing) - Up next, Jaida Essence Hall in "The P in Pageant." (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) - Hey blow bitches, my
name is Jaida Essence Hall, and for those of you who do not know me, I am a drag queen and
a badass bitch, okay? (crowd cheering) And for those of you who
do know me, I am sorry. (RuPaul laughing) I'm a take you all on a tour of one of the worst experiences that has ever happened to me in my life. Now one time I was hired to
judge and perform at a pageant. The girls are beautiful. They're walking around
in these beautiful gowns, and I get a little shake in my right leg. Child, ooh. So I look over for a familiar face. Hey Rue! Except Rue happens to be my boyfriend. He comes on over. I'm in a situation, I'm a need
a little bit of help, okay? The category is over, I push
the chair back, I start to run. Baby, I have to piss. Tap him on the shoulder. Run into the bathroom. (footsteps) Ooh, y'all are not feeling it. That's (mumbling).
(crowd laughing) That's all right, we're
going on a journey. Okay. And I'm like okay baby. Help me out here. I'm pulling up my dress. He's all on the floor. He's fumbling around. I'm like baby come on, come
on, come on, come on, come on! And then I stop. (peeing sound effect) - [Man In Crowd] Uh-oh. (peeing sound effect)
(crowd laughing) - All I can do is look down
at my man on the floor, (crowd laughing) looking up at me, covered in urine. I head back to the judges table, the head judge says
"Please, please, please "can we get some air freshener over here?" (crowd oh-ing)
- Oh no. - But then he looks over and says "These other judges to the left, "they have hot dogs with onions on them." (crowd oh-ing) (inhaling sharply) - Jaida. Was that the joke? Look over there! - To me, this was one of
the most terrifying things that ever happened in my life, and sadly I just played
that in front of y'all and y'all didn't even laugh at the (beep), but that's all right. (crowd laughing) I hope y'all had a great time. And that was the night that
I put the P in Pageant. (crowd cheering)
Thank you! Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. - [Announcer] And here's Jujubee. (crowd cheering) - Welcome to "RuPaul's Shady Shack." It's the grand opening, okay? And I want to say I am so
happy to see all of you here. I see some new faces. I see some old faces. I see some new old faces. (crowd laughing) Work. No really, like lots and
lots and lots of work. Shea, your lips. Michelle, your titties. And you over here, I know
them shoulders are fake baby, you weren't born with those shoulders. Mm-hm. Ross, I am so glad you're here tonight. People don't know that
you actually wrote a book. Oh, sorry, wait, wait, wait. Blair, so a book is a whole
bunch of pages with words. Ross, you know I love you and I did try to buy your book online, and it basically said
people who bought this book also searched for chardonnay, lip gloss, a life. (crowd laughing) Anyways, I notice that Gwyneth Paltrow wrote the intro to your book. Isn't it upsetting that the lady who could convince
millions of women out there to stick stones in their pussy, still not be able to convince
them to buy your book? (crowd laughing) (Ross laughing) - That's great. - I wish I had one blonde joke, but she's sitting over there. (crowd laughing) Now, I think I've been
a little harsh tonight, but you know what? This ain't RuPaul Best Friend Race. Michelle already won that. - Thank you.
(crowd laughing) - And Michelle, I think of
you like I think of my mom. Resentfully. (crowd laughing) I'm Jujubee, good night!
(funky music) (crowd cheering)
- Woo! - Thank you. Jujubee, nice try. - Oh-ho-ho-ho. - Michelle Visage is here. I've been told by many that
she's the first lady of Jersey, the very first, (crowd laughing) of all time. - Sounds right. (flipping page) - Now, I can't really make fun of age. I mean, people say all the time, "Blair, "you look so young!" But I am a grown, gay
man and I do (beep) ass with the crust cut off. (crowd laughing) Now speaking of crusty assholes, Sam Richardson is here tonight everyone! (crowd laughing) - Hey. - That's all. And Jane Krakowski, it is so inspiring to have you with us tonight as well. You know, I just can't understand how you keep escaping
from the old folks home. (crowd chuckling) (flipping pages) Ross is so important to this show. I mean, it only took 10
years of constant appearances for RuPaul to finally make him a permanent judge on the show. I mean, what, was tadra-kalt busy? (flipping page) I'm just kidding. I think what you do here is so valuable. I mean, every Destiny's Child needs its Michelle. And every judging panel
needs that one person to make the guest judges feel
just that much more famous! - Oh, I do declare this
is a dumpster fire. - If you love me tonight,
my name is Blair St. Clair. And if you hated me, it's Derrick Barry. (crowd clapping) - Oh my goodness! Hello!
(crowd cheering) My name is Miz Cracker and
I am so happy to see people. I don't know if you know this, but if you are a drag race contestant, they do not let you socialize like at all. They say this is like
the Olympics of drag, no. This is like gay-tanamo bay. Please help me. (crowd laughing)
Um. I am a New Yorker but
like not in a mean way. Um. I am a Jew. So I get to say it that way. You do not. (crowd laughing) But most importantly I am a drag queen. I've been telling these
girls from the beginning, like let's just be nice
to each other tonight, but I guess I'm like Shea Coulee's music 'cause nobody listens to me. Do you know what I'm saying? (crowd laughing) There's this stereotype that
drag queens have to be like beautiful in their makeup
and glamorous and everything, but that is not necessarily true. Look at Juju, okay? Look at her.
(crowd laughing) What was I saying? Oh, right, humility and
love that's what it was. (crowd laughing) Also, I'm against body
shaming, completely. Because I was a chubby kid and I know what body shaming can do
to a person, you know? It works! Yeah! Ow! Ow!
(crowd laughing) Obvious, everything you see is on sale! Yeah! Oh! Thank you everybody so much.
(upbeat music) I appreciate you so much.
(crowd cheering) - Hi everybody. How you doing tonight? (crowd cheering quietly) Oh, come on, you guys
can do better than that. You had Miz Cracker's
entire set to take a nap. (crowd laughing) Come on, so how you doin' tonight? (crowd cheering) Oh, that's so much better. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got the lovely Miss
Blair St. Clair here. And, you guys, I don't
wanna ruin too much, but she had a bit of a
rough week last week. She failed her driver's test. (crowd laughing) Miz Cracker, make some noise for her. (crowd cheering) I love her. She's just so animated, larger than life. It's like she's a living,
breathing puppet, you know? She's got this big head
and these tiny little feet, and only becomes animated
when you put your fist in her. (crowd laughing) Yeah. Yeah. Has anyone in here ever
been robbed before? Well I have. And no I'm not talking about
the finale of season 9. (crowd laughing) But for real, you know, it's been quite an
interesting journey for me. Um. I've been going to therapy and for the longest time I thought that therapy was just for
white people with money, and I was wrong. It is also for black people with money. (crowd laughing) But it's kind of embarrassing
to tell your therapist that rose petals are one
of your triggers, you know? For real, like rose petals
have been following me around for the past three years like I'm James Earl Jones
in "Coming to America." (crowd laughing) The only difference, he had a crown. (crowd laughing) Thank you so much. That's all the time I have for tonight. (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music)
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I think this every time I try a shirt with them on.
Hey hey hey HEYYYY👋👋👋 Put cha lighters up🔦🔦🔦! Ganja’s in the house 🏠 oww 😷! As you can tell from my accent I am from Dallas, Tex-ass🐴! And it was not very easy growing up looking like this💁! Whether I was playing in my grandma’s clothes👵 or putting on a show for my well-organized alphabetically-ordered beanie babies 🐱🐥🐵🐼 I was guh guh guh GAY👬👭! OKKURRR 😃! But it wasn’t until I moved to Los Angeles ☀️🌴 that I discovered 🚬Marijuana🍀, I mean I like to smoke💨💨💨, y’all I am just flying✈️ as high👆 as your receding hairline👴! OKUr! 🚬 Marijuana🍀 really does help me calm down😴, so y’all, I went to Valencia where they film the TV show 🌱Weeds🌱! Now, y’all, it’s very dry🔥☀️, it’s almost kinda like your vajoina✌️👌! Can I get an amen🙌🙏?!? Now y’all, I am a treehugger🌳🌲 because if it ain’t green♻️, HUH😫 I’m not interested🙅! OKCURRRRRRRR 💅💃!
Darienne is so damn funny. Can we please have her on all stars
11:20, The historic moment when Laganja Estranja redefined comedy, causing Bianca Del Rio to become jobless and quit drag.
Gigi: what’s your name, sir?
Derrick: Derrick!
Gigi: okay, Gary!