Does my vacillating mean I shouldn't be in my new relationship?

we are back and we're glad that you're with us today thank you for joining us joining us on the phone right now is Cindy from Fullerton California listening on kkla hello Cindy how are you Hi how are you doing doing great thank you but how about you I'm doing okay okay I'm doing all right um I am calling because I think that I might be well actually I pretty much fit the velador um kind of personality group I guess if you want to call it tell us tell us some of the things that you do that make you think that you're a vacillator okay well my my emotions pretty much swing back and forth um I'm constantly kind of divided um between kind my head and my heart I you know in moments feel like something is really right and um it's it's great a relationship I'm in right now a new one um crazy about the guy and then the next minute oh not really sure a little bit afraid um but it seems right but then I don't really know and uh that kind of has been kind of a pattern and um and it bothers you yeah it causes some anxiety and uncertainty and basically uh like I said this new relationship four four months old and uh great guy different than me um but well how much were you how much were you idealizing him in the beginning do you think that was an issue your idealization of him can you describe what that means it's a little bit technical for some people sometimes too you just saw nothing bad in the guy he everything spectacular and good and wonderful no no no I I feel like I saw a lot of good but being also a little bit apprehensive and kind of a realist say I think I was still kind of like oh getting to know him and you know kind of questioning a few things here and there about how personalities click and whatnot so I think I still you know I would still kind of question and slowly get to know him you know but so what there are moments when I'm not with him and I'm like thinking about him a lot and then other moments I'm like I don't really know and um just basically my question is you know I guess in this new dating relationship um how do you know the difference say between you know something that just isn't right um between or just being a vast Le and maybe having to kind of think through and talk through certain fears that might be there or whether it's something I just need to end you know I feel a little bit conflicted no no no no if if only for the purposes of learning how to move out of vacillation keep dating this guy I mean this is an important issue and you're going to screw up all the rest of your relationships so stick with this guy and we'll give you some tips but yeah don't leave because you're vacillating you don't want to condemn yourself to a life of this right now also don't move move forward with him into marriage in less than a year you know you you need to have a year of dating minimum uh before you move any any closer there but um is he really kind of stable grounded calm collect completely like I am I'm a mess right you know I mean I not I mean you know I I kind of am all over the map I'm I'm an extrovert I'm a feeler I'm just you know kind of figuring out oh God what do you want me to do in my future I'm 29 I don't kind of vocation is St up in the air he's you know you know you are Consulting he's stable responsible he's loyal let me tell you kind of how I describe it cuz I probably have in my practice I probably have three quarters or vacillators okay because I I deal with people that have been hurt a lot and so this is how I describe it vacillators to me are kind of like Suns and they're often attracted to people like moons okay like if you think about what a sun looks like if you look you know close there's all these like bursts of molten lava actually then you go blind you shouldn't do that yeah you know we have the filters on but yeah it's very exciting life action right and then but the sun is attracted to the Moon right the Moon is just kind of there stable solid and moons like the sun because they kind of get warmed in the ray of all that excitement it's like that's when they shine is in the reflection of the sun right the moons do but over time you've got to be careful because the Sun and the Moon actually are really different a lot and I I look at that avoider a vacillator match there's this you know connection that happens between an avoider and a vacillator in the book how we love and so the the eventually what'll happen is because the avoidance are avoidant they'll stop pursuing the sun and the Sun starts to lose interest and the Sun starts to feel like you're not really coming for me and I can't get your attention anymore but they'll give themselves up to get the moon stability but you really have to start how you heal as a vacillator I love vacillators I always tell them you guys are some of the most amazing connective people I will ever meet if you can get redeemed but you have to learn how to start bringing your vulnerability kind of like John said don't give up yet don't just pull out you've got to learn how to start bringing your fear to this relationship when you feel like you want to move away you be have to start talking about that I'm really starting to get afraid like I want to run from you and I you know I need to offer that to you I don't know what you're going to do with that but you have to start bringing more of your brok Brokenness than you know and and here's a radical statement don't marry somebody because they provide the stability in your life that you don't have absolutely soting part is at the beginning when I met him I actually wasn't attracted to that personality I wanted someone like myself I wanted someone who was exciting and crazy and I wanted to go serve and do all these crazy things yeah what are your girlfriends what what do they what do your girlfriends say about this guy my girlfriends were like Jen or sorry Cindy this may be good for you like you this guy is like this may be good you don't want somebody like Cindy can I tell you what normal is yes all right normal in the dating world is I am we're an experiment you me and Sam are an experiment you're a nice person I'm a nice person I don't know if it's there for us so I'm going to go fishing with you I'm going to go to church with you I'm going to meet your parents we're going to go jogging we're you know we're going to have a thousand different strange experiences and I and you'll hang around with my friends and I'm just listening and recording and watching how I feel and how you react and then over time we cross some line I go I spend enough time with you you know we all here think it's at least a year and after a year I go you know Fisher cut bait it's it's that's normal okay what you're saying is that's not working for me and the reason it's not working I want to kind of come back to sher's point what I would want to tell you to do would be to get to normal where you're just taking in information and seeing how it is and seeing how it feels and see how the values are is that when you get a snag with the guy and you're off with a friend oh I don't know because he's who knows he's got not enough hair too much hair too loud too soft to to talk about that and put that on the negative side but keep getting that filling up that debit credit sheet and that's what helps a vacillator instead of running disconnecting or getting so discouraged because they go back and forth just keep bringing the negative stuff you feel into relationship that's what normal is it gets you the normal and then you can make a decision wow okay so you mean talk about it with him or talk about with my would not want to put the poor sucker through that no no no yeah no my point is you don't redeem when Sherry talked about redeeming their vacillator ship Hood I just made up a word yeah good you don't redeem it with the guy you're dating you know you go to people who are healthy and say don't don't tell me what to do here help help me me a place to explore he you know he you know he picked his nose in the whatever or he was really kind to that that little old lady or whatever and they just listen and the fact that you're in relationship begins to redeem it you begin to integrate and integrate is the big word for VAs lators but find a couple of safe places maybe three friends spiritual director counselor couple more friends and just bring your your negative I don't know he turned me off into relationship and you will be you will get into normal it integrates you

Channel: New Life Ministries

Views: 11,839

Keywords: nlla, 7-11-11, Vacillator, dating

Id: GnGdrTASf3o

Length: 8min 47sec (527 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 11 2011