New Life Live! July 4, 2024 | FULL Show

[Music] welcome to New Life live with Steven arterburn for 35 years new life has been transforming lives one at a time thanks to the giving hearts of you our listeners our goal is to provide you with wisdom from God's word to give you hope and help in life's hardest places if you have a question you'd like to ask today our phone lines are open Call 1 800 229300 that number again is 1 800 229300 now here's today's host Chris Williams hello and welcome to New Life live we are so glad that you are with us today and I am so glad to have with me in studio today and well in studio and across the country I have JJ West licensed marriage and family therapist em everyman's battle facilitator and honestly just an all round like great good guy that I love being around JJ how you doing oh thanks Chris I appreciate that I'll pay you later for that uh the invoice is in the mail that's right no I'm doing well I I just realized uh for those who are watching on YouTube I'm wearing a RAR Shack test shirt apparently today I didn't realize until earlier but yeah so if you need if you need help with your personality you just use my shirt use your shirt and write it in and he'll send you a response and that's right clinical psychologist um and just brilliant person all around I love hanging out with her we're all just all around yeah yeah mutual admiration society today but Dr Jill hubber hi Chris hi JJ all right Jill Jill I'm going to put you on the spot here what's on your mind talk to us well it's 4th of July and I probably don't have any fireworks for you here but I've been thinking about uh troubles mhm and how they can be a precursor to change okay yeah right how they often really preced change right because don't we all resist change yes we like to hold on to the familiar because it's known it feels safe and change is just so hard so this is what we do and we don't realize that in our resistance right we may be blocking the very thing that God has for us right but nobody likes to go through that slide of of troubles and in in in that resisting we Squatch our creativity we squelch all possibility right so when trouble's hit I think there's a time of oh just like sinking in a little bit and maybe being deeply grieved by it or feeling really down yeah and and then we have to process and get to a place where we're we have to see reality right um and so I I I besides our family and our homes we spend the most time at work yes right so this is not the biggest life problem one could ever have but I have been in the same office for my work for 24 years oh wow about as long as I've been on radio right and for 20 of those years I've had the same wonderful people I've been really blessed and really spoiled yeah and we've had a great congenial atmosphere the last few years we've had a little more of a a revolving door of people and as people are getting older around me and retiring there's been a lot of change and a lot more upheaval and now I'm at the point where I'm going to have to move after 24 years oh wow and I have been resisting this change and holding on and saying no no no we can figure it out I I have a spot in Placentia if you want to and I and I've had to come to realize ah wow maybe maybe this is a time where I need to let go and see what God has for me that's good and surrender it and I have a whole bunch of stuff here and we are out of time for me to get to it all but I think but I do want to get back to that a little bit more on the other side of our break here because Jill you you mentioned something I think is critically important and that is and I don't like this truth but I find it true mhm suffering as hard and brutal as it is does lead us to change and that is affirmed throughout scripture you know you can't get too far into first Peter to realize that God uses our struggles our troubles our suffering to get us to that next level and so I sometimes to unearth us right absolutely from where we're stuck absolutely so let's talk a little bit more about that when we come back hi this is Steve Aran from New Life live and Chris Williams and I are doing the emotional Freedom Workshop I don't know of anybody that wouldn't benefit from emotional Freedom we're all bound or stuck or struggling in some area what are we going to do there Chris just really help people get clarity around the places where they're stuck in their life they sort of circle the same mountain of disappointment over and over and over again you're going to be able to see that mountain clearly and get to a new place of what we call emotional Freedom which is simply I can feel in the world build a relationship to it and know what to do with my experiences the new life emotional freedom online intensive is Saturday September 14th Steve urn Chris Williams and Dr Jackie M Harris will present information on trauma depression codependency and more and small group leaders will help you process the information you learn register online at newlife.com or call 1 1800 new life and use the discount code nll to save $50 [Music] to find out more information about new life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program call 1 1800 new life now back to New Life live welcome back to New Life live and we were just talking about this important truth that is hard right right and that is that our struggles our troubles our suffering often times leads us to new things you're talking about like yeah ending you know this office situation has been great right right not being great anymore no now it's it's not great and it's it's a lot right and life keeps moving it's not like that's the only thing going on yeah right so so there's a reason why the cliche no pain no gain right and that troubles can be both debilitating and they can be motivating and so we don't want to embrace change Just For Change sake it's not like change your wife change your life right that's not what we want to do we want productive change versus destructive change right and they've even done research and some of you have probably heard this research where they went into a workplace and they changed the paint on the walls and productivity went up and they did that about four times and eventually went back to the original color and every time they made a change after things had plateaued productivity went up yes so those minor changes that we make can really enliven us and yet we so resist them and why do we resist because we're afraid right we're so afraid and I've been looking at Psalm 34 and in Psalm 34 verses 4-6 it says I prayed to the Lord and he answered me freeing me from all my fears those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy no shadow of Shame will darken their faces love it I cried out to the Lord in my suffering and he heard me he set me free from all my fears and there's a reason why in the Bible it says do not be afraid 365 times one for every day of the year right and then to continue in Psalm 34 Verse 18 the righteous face many troubles oh whoops no Verse 18 God draws near or close to the Brokenhearted he rescues those who are crushed in spirit yeah right and so and and then to continue on in 19 the righteous face man troubles but the Lord rescues them from each and every one we are going to face troubles right my stent of 20 years is really an anomaly yeah we are going to face troubles but the and God doesn't always remove those troubles because he knows it refines us but he's always with us in the middle of those trou so good that's such an essential reminder for us today Jill thank you so much for that because it's really the heart of what we're doing here is that we we are recognizing and acknowledging life's most difficult struggles and suffer what we do and that's you know we reach out for help and with God's help with his body we we find our way through we find and discover God's presence what we do Chris what we do instead of following the cliche of no no pain no gain we change it to no brain no pain bra no brain yeah no brain no pain I'm going to I'm out I'm going to escape I'm not going to be present I'm not going to I'm not going to embrace this pain this suffering that's coming my way yeah that's good that is good that is good well let's do this let's go to the calls we are going to go to Carla listening in fville Arkansas on SiriusXM Carla are you there yes oh well thank you for joining us today and what's going on and how can we help you well I kind of wrote everything down so I wouldn't kind of bounce around so if I could just maybe I'll run through it really really quick go for it excuse me okay what I'm calling about today is I just recently lost my husband two and a half months ago o and he had always promised me um in my childhood and things and my mother and things went through a very very hard time after she was alone and um just severely financially struggled it was to just unbelievable level and so he always promised Carly you will always be more than taken care of financially he was in the military and um and so I will get a portion of his retirement however he had life insurance through the military for 30 years then served another 12 and so he had insurance for around 48 years of his life and he cancelled that a few years ago um I have no idea why no anything but he was a severe severe alcoholic and he died of liver failure and so um and now that he has passed away I have learned that he had over $70,000 worth of credit card debt and he actually took $40,000 of credit card debt out in my name oh and I had no idea about that wow and so my question here's kind of my question um when I all I feel is anger yes all the time I feel anger all the time and anytime I have a good memory or I have a memory of seeing him in a place seeing him in his office or seeing him in his chair um I feel so angry but at the same time I feel so guilty for feeling angry I feel so ashamed of myself that I'm not a widow who can say when people say how are you doing and I just have to say everything's okay it's it's going all right but inside it's not because I feel like I can't tell them the truth and I don't want them got to be so careful my words because I don't want them to sense you know what I really am struggling I'm really honestly I I'm having feelings of hate yes and so angry yeah Carla so so understandable oh my gosh your husband promised you all these things that he would take care of you and this is really the ultimate bait and switch right he he wasn't honest with you and so you're left now going what has he's not even here for you to be angry at him right and and get an explanation for all of this and he was so verbally abusive throughout our whole marriage and then like I said he was a severe alcoholic and so I have taken care of him for years yeah and um all the way until he was just bedridden he died of liver failure so yes I feel I feel taken advantage of I feel ashamed I feel really stupid that I let him take he he was military so he demanded all control of everything you know I'm just now learning how to pay the electric bill and so so car it's just all a struggle yeah let me let me start here okay anger is a god-given emotion God gets angry and now don't get me wrong throughout scripture there is a ton of warnings placed around anger you know Jill talked about Jill talked about fear the Bible gives more warnings around those two emotional experiences more than any others fear and anger right cuz we know that they can cause a lot of Destruction and they're they're really painful but we start here why anger anger is a god-given natural response to an injustice that has caused harm you have been unjustly treated for many years and it has caused harm and so just that's where I just want to start today is to give validity to the anger so that you don't shame the anger you learn to hold the anger yeah right well and how about the fact that he was an alcoholic who didn't get help and that's what killed him yes and right you know his more destructive choices really destructive choices to cancel life insurance to rack up secret debt yeah yeah this is yeah this is the ugly side of alcoholism yes absolutely and I've had to watch him die so painful very slow death over the last two years he has just he spent 90% of his time completely drunk yeah and in bed and when he died he was literally yellow his skin completely and I couldn't get care for him because when he would fall or something I would call an ambulance and he would refuse care and once he would say I I refuse care they have to leave yeah they have no matter what absolutely so yeah go for it yeah go for it JJ yeah Carla you know you you mentioned that you feel guilty and you know to Chris and Jill's point you know fear and anger those are god-given emotions guilt is a god-given emotion but we also can experience false guilt we can experience guilt over something that we where we did nothing wrong and that's what you're experiencing you feel guilty for the the poor choices that your husband made and and I don't believe God wants you to hold on to guilt for his bad choices his mistakes I know that you also feel foolish that you there's a feeling of I was duped and I was duped for so long and why did I why did I not maybe see the signs and demand something different earlier on but but to feel guilty over your husband's choices is not going to lead to Healing okay so I want I I want you to encounter the spirit of God releasing you from that guilt and then the second thing I want to say is you said you know I can't be honest with people when they ask me how doing I have to say it's everything's okay it's all going to work out because I I don't know how they're going to feel if I tell them the truth I know you can't tell the truth to the masses but do you have anybody in your world anyone that you can be honest with and say here's what happened here's how he lied and deceived me here's the situation that he's left me in I'm angry and I'm afraid and I don't know exactly how this is all I don't even know how to pay all of the bills I don't even know how all of the the finances are working are there PE is there anybody in your world that you can be that honest with there probably is one person that I could I just have a went that far with him okay like I said I feel embarrassed I feel shamed I know I know you do I know you do and understandably so that you feel that but I don't want that embarrassment and shame to rob you of the community the connection and the healing that God has for you and and so often the community and connection and healing that God has for us comes through the pathway of humbling ourselves enough to be honest with others yeah Carla certainly some of what you experienced was co-created you were figuring out a way to survive your husband though was purposely keeping things from you we can't always know what we don't know absolutely right and and we get you know it s you were verbally beaten into submission and you cared for him as best you could you tried to be honorable you tried to honor your vows and you cared for a man who was very very ill he has passed away his own choice it's time for you to stop taking care of him and it's time for you to focus on taking care of Carla yes and that means to do it different the rules that your husband laid down you get to redo them and remake them and so that means starting by telling the truth so M you said you went to alanon maybe you go to alanon and you share more of the truth with people that are Anonymous and you start there and you let just a little bit out at a time because I know it's going to be hard for you to tolerate but you have to bring that shame into relationship so that you can stop carrying his shame as JJ was saying a and so and that one friend just go a little bit deeper than you have in the past just test the waters put your toe in because now life needs to be different let's not keep you you know um sequestered away imprisoned by his illness after he gone yeah it's time for a new life Carla yeah and and anger can help Propel you towards that and you know you had mentioned Jill that suffering can lead to these changes but it has it has to be exposed it has to be revealed and so so I I mean I just want to encourage you so much Carla because you called us you told us and and here here are responses it didn't take great clinical skills for us to say that's you're a horrible situation you know and so there are people who want to support you and love you we are going to send you a copy of take your life back and to kind of help you see you know kind of how you're trapped in this but how there is a way forward and I can't encourage you enough um to get connected with a therapist in your area a new life therapist and we have a n Nationwide network of it that we can connect you with we're going to be right back right after this when you give to the new life scholarship fund you're giving someone hope for a brighter future I was kind of in the closet and and hit with my struggles your donation really made the difference especially in my situation because I would up getting laid off of my job at the new life intensives hurting people are able to begin A New Path towards healing and freedom that has an effect on all of those around them I think the people who support New Life financially are people that I'll never know you know I'll never be able to thank them personally for the gift that they gave to us their giving saved me my husband and our family from being torn apart to help hurting people to connect to the help they need make your gift to the scholarship fund at newlife.com or by calling 1800 newlife and specifying scholarships someone called and sponsored me to come this weekend whoever that is just know that you saved the life literally you saved my life 1 1800 NW LF Dr Heidi Summers on coaching a lot of people don't understand the difference between counseling and coaching coaches can help you with strategizing not everyone is in a crisis or recovering from a trauma a lot of people just need help getting to where they want to be and they don't know how to do that and so it's helpful to have a third party come in to give objective feedback set goals create accountability and help you walk out what your goals actually are if you need a coach for Life your career relationships your health and fitness leadership and more call New Life today and ask about the new life coaching Network our coaches have been screened and certified with the same intensive process we use for our Network counselors coaches are intended to help you live in the present and goal set toward what it is you want for the future take control of your life and take action to achieve your goals call 1 1800 new life and talk to us about getting a new life coach today [Music] we'd love to hear from you if you have a question or a comment call toll-free 1 800 229300 now back to New Life live welcome back to New Life live and um we just took a call from Carla and Jill you just had think a really important well I hope that is well Carla had had mentioned about feeling so embarrassed and she doesn't know how to do things so one of the things in marriage that also gets co-created is you kind of divide and conquer and so you learn the tasks that are kind of you're assigned right or you decide to do and you don't necessarily learn the other tasks so whether you lose a spouse through death or like myself through divorce I had to learn so much there was so much I didn't know and and you you learn when it's necessary to learn right if it's not necessary yeah necessity being the mother of all so no need to feel embarrassed it's just oh now I need to get on board with these things because now it's on me and and that's one thing I just want to piggyback on that is that fear yes fear can turn into either embarrassment or anger or both very very quickly whereas fear just needs help yep you know and and if we can humble find that humility to say hey I don't know how to do this can you help me and realize that man there are people that really do care and love for us and that were willing to jump in and that itself is this incredible healing experience we want to keep the healing experiences going so we're going to go to Marina in Philadelphia Pennsylvania listening and watching on YouTube Marina are you there yes I'm here all right talk to us what's going on okay I'm GNA give you a quick here my son married for a year and then um cheated on his wife she said she had had enough went for a divorce uh my son was devastated cried has been crying ever since but more recently she reached out to my husband and I and said she wanted to meet with us we were thrilled because we had missed her um she sat with us she showed us pages and pages of supposed texts that he had done between him and other girls I guess um and she revealed a number of other things including that he had had trauma someone had injured him when he was younger uh um that he shared with her but I always suspected it um all of that to say that she asked if we could have him come to our home because he doesn't live with us she went back to her parents and he lives by himself and have him come to our home and sign a paper um at the time we thought she was asking us to have him come to our home to sign divorce papers so we said okay and then we told our son she wants you to come and sign these papers um I I I left out a whole part my son's career is is in law enforcement um he got a Tracker off of Amazon and put it on her car he found her somewhere he yelled at her and screamed who's this guy you're with and supposedly the guy was just a friend okay needless to say she found out from the cop who came when this all happened that she could get him fired by going to his higher ups and saying he put a tracker on my car yes um yes so when she told came to see my husband and I and we all sat together just the three of us and she went through all of this um she said I need you two to help me I need him to sign papers again we're thinking divorce papers and she said I want to come tomorrow with my mom and then he can come and he can sign and then so so Marina let me let me just jump in is there a question for us how can we help you today here's our question my when he when they met to sign he began to beg and plead with her and about 20 minutes in maybe maybe 25 minutes in my husband said son just sign the papers she wants you to sign the papers because the young lady said okay so hold on hold on hold on you're going back to story what's the question for us so the question is um with when my husband yelled at him and said sign the paper he signed the paper he was in tears he's 28 and then he left my home and he said to us my husband I the driveway you're both dead to me so our question is this since my husband is here with me I have horrible guilt over what has happened I felt like we should have never allowed it to happen in our home where he came there to sign um we felt like maybe he felt the Tre and were they the divorce papers were they it she was um they're called um I called an attorney afterwards it's called Uh when you announce it to some you know when you you could take it to their job or you could take it to okay so so so so Marina there there's a lot going on here that we probably can't help you with because that's on the legal side of things but the what what we're hearing is that there is a tremendous feeling of guilt that you and hband are caring as a of your son's Behavior so Jill how do we help them oh I remember it's called serving Pap somebody served him she served him oh oh so that's yeah so that is probably having to do with the divorce yeah and when I did call an attorney the lady told me you know it's the best thing you did was have him sign because she could go to a higher up and he L his job okay okay so your son is devastated he's at fault here for cheating yes right um in his grief he is making poor choices and and you know now that he's lost her and realizing that he wanted her right he's not owning his own behavior um so he's lashing out in all directions Marina and now you his parents because you aided the divorce going through which was going to go through anyway so right so you didn't do anything wrong he's lashing out as at you as well and I don't know if there's been a history of this in the past but when he says you're dead to me I I I don't know that he necessarily means that forever I think he just feels so devastated and he's in a deep state of grief yeah right so so I think you're going to have to one wait you're also going to have to reach out to him and let him know that you're there for him when he's ready yeah absolutely Okay Marina you hear the music we're going to come back to yeah right after the break here to give you a little bit further Direction on what you're struggling and suffering I also want to mention we have intimacy and marriage coming up July 26 through the 28th in Washington DC get online check that out we'll be right back for most of my life I've been dealing with an opioid addiction why is opioid addiction quickly becoming one of our nation's biggest Killers maybe it's because it isn't only those who are addicted who are in denial we did what I see so many parents do is it can't be an addiction there's something medically wrong it's impossible to solve a problem when you don't know what you're up against and families will try to find any explanation except the one that will put them on the right path alcoholism and drug addiction is a family disease it doesn't affect just the individual if someone you love is abusing painkillers know what you're up against it's time to admit its addiction and seek treatment call us today at 1 1800 new life we have partner treatment centers around the country call 800 639- 5433 or visit us online at newlife.com we just made a decision we will do whatever it takes 1 800 NW LF Club New Life Changes lives I think I go way back to listening to New Life Learning so much from it then become a club new life member Club New Life is a monthly giving family that helps New Life Ministries provide Christ centered hope and counseling resources to thousands of people you know I'm so thankful cuz you know why I keep giving because I keep learning and I so thankful for all the lives that you touch every day and the people's lives so when I get to still hear the radio show it just so encouraging to my heart when you sign up to support us monthly through Club New Life you'll make a difference in the lives of individuals and families with Godly counsel and connection to help and you know one reason I give cuz I feel like sometimes I'm hiding behind a counselor's couch listening to all this great information and not paying so my guilt of this great advice is alleviated by being a club new life member call 1 1800 new life that's 1 800 639- 5433 and together we can help hurting people find help and hope in life's hardest places call 1 1800 639-5401 life [Music] today we're glad you joined us for New Life live to be a part of the program call 1 800 229 3000 now back to New Life live welcome back to New Life live it's me Chris Williams Dr chill hubber and JJ West we're talking with Marina Marina is in a just a horrible situation with her son um who has uh been unfaithful in his marriage but also has shown some pretty Disturbing Behavior in response to that as well and uh so so JJ let me just say and I was saying when people go through such a devastating loss even though he created it we're reduced to our most primitive selves yeah that come out but that being said we're seeing some pretty trim primitive scary behavior in your son Marina yeah yeah yeah yeah JJ what do you think so Marina what what strikes me the most about your call is how you are trying to take responsibility for the consequences of your son's choices that you feel guilty that somehow somehow this divorce came about and he getting him getting served papers came about because you and your husband been allowed this to happen in your home and that's just simply not true and I'm wondering if there's if there is there a history of that in your life where you H you are prone to accept responsibility for consequences of other people's poor choices never thought about it because it ites it seems as though that's the case like you're you're saying I feel so bad I I have all this guilt over what happened and the fact that we allow this to happen in our home it was going to happen it was going to happen and and and and to Chris and Jill's point you know your your son's response to the fact that she wasn't going to put up with him cheating by putting a tracker on her car by exploding she was with and accusing her and then then getting angry at you all of that is deflection all of that is I'm not willing to look at at my role in this I'm not willing to accept responsibility for the choices I made that destroyed this marriage I'm gonna put the blame on everybody else and and right and so I want I want you Marina because you can't control your son you can't you can't fix him I want you to focus on how often am I prone to try and accept responsibility for the consequences of other people's choices because that's that's that's not allowing him to be forced to change because he sees the consequences he experiences the consequences of his own choices right yeah right well and Marina it feels bad as a mom regardless how old your child is when they say you're dead to me I mean what parent wants to hear that so I you know I heard kind of a panic in in your voice and it's that kind of ripping away of someone that you would do anything for and so that's very hurtful and that's why say those words are just words and they're meant to hurt because he's hurting yeah and and he is caught in an incredibly dangerous pattern of control mm but let me tell you Marina what you told me you ready for this because we're going to break right through denial and straight into reality my son is a Serial cheater and has been w rically Unfaithful in his one year of marriage when his wife had enough and she was going to end this to end her own suffering he committed illegal acts from a position of power and authority to try to control the situation and when it didn't work he told me he was dead to me what does that sound like to you it sounds awful yeah and I know this is hard this like Jill said this is heartbreaking but we need to get into reality to know the level of danger that your son is in the level of unhealth that he's in and the level of help that he needs as well because you know Jill started off the show that that suffering doesn't have to lead to more suffering suffering can lead to change could lead to something different and there are things inside of your son that no one else has control of including himself but that you're not going to have control of but he does need to address and and we hope and we pray that it is that level of life no longer works for me in the way I've been doing it and I need something radically different and and and listen that's that moment of surrender for everyone who struggles with addiction like this no longer works for me and we typically don't get there until we're face to face with the felt part of our suffering and our consequences yeah and so yeah so Marina I want you and your husband to get support I want you and your husband to get um you know get into some good counseling here you know to to stay in reality to stay in safety but to gain support and knowing that my my even though my son suffers doesn't mean I'm a bad parent but we do need to take our own health and our own safety into consideration as as we move forward here it's including our own feelings of hurt and and suffering so yeah so Marina we we are going to send you a copy of take your life back and and again it helps us see patterns of what is healthy what is unhealthy and then how do we begin to set boundaries around that so we're going to send a copy out to you of that and we just thank you so much for calling in and so much for really taking the risk to say hey we got to confront this and what do we do next so again we honor you for that we thank you for that and um we're going to go to another call here we're going to go to Mary listening in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania on the other side of the state um and she's listening on W uh byn wbyn great sister station out there Mary how you doing I'm doing well thank you thank you for taking my call no problem at all we're glad to do it tell us what's going on well I have a question um about personality disorder and sociopath um I'm wondering if that is something that's hereditary and how soon does it manifest itself I'm I'm not even really sure what it is but um I'm just wondering uh can a teenager be have this um these syndromes that's a great question uh let me ask my clinical psychologist in the room Jill what what do you think here well Mary personality disorders are a pervasive pattern of functioning that causes um it causes problems in a person's life right for them and for others that they they don't correct um and so while most personality disorders are not fully diagnosed until usually early adulthood or later sure you can start to see some signs that are starting to develop because it's always at a certain point people say oh yeah now that makes sense all of that person's behavior um but I think we refrain from trying to give someone a diagnosis early on um that that would stick with them for life because we also want to intervene while kids are still malleable right and they're still developing they Brain still developing so we want to try to interrupt those patterns and for someone to have a full-blown personality disorder it's usually only 10% of the population and most all of us have some traits or features and and also at different times in our lives we were talking on the last call when you are reduced to your most primitive self you can look like a lot of diagnosis and so we want to see is it pervasive not just when things are times are troubled and and rough but does it persist even when times are calm yeah that's good as a way of interacting yeah that's really really helpful yeah part part of why we don't diagnose uh typically personality disorders in adolescence is because we're one hoping that there's a maturity out of those behaviors and two if you've ever spend any time with a teenager you know there's a lot of things that they do that kind of present like personality disorders but it's just immaturity right it's just haven't haven't haven't experienced enough consequences of treating other people that way to go um I don't like how that ends up I'm gonna I'm G to behave differently a person who actually has a diagnosed personality disorder it's not a choice that they're making right it's not and so they're not going to mature out of it so like youill said you're going to see some signs of it early on because it is pervasive but you're not going to diagnose it in adolescence because you're you're still hoping that there is a possibility of of maturing and learning from those mistakes yeah that's really really good really helpful and and Mary there's a couple more thoughts that I that we have that we're going to come back to this um after the break here but I just want to mention again I mentioned before that uh very briefly intimacy and marriage it is such a game changer for marriages whether you're in a relatively healthy place or you're in a place of Crisis um our intimacy and marriage where JJ is a a primary speaker there and great presenter it's coming up July 26 through the 28th in Washington DC you can go online to our website www.newlife.com to check it out to register um but I highly highly encourage all the marriages out there let's get healthy or healthier [Music] we all face days where life throws us a curveball and our routines or plans get disrupted things we wanted to do are forced to take a backseat to the unexpected demands of the day if you normally listen to new life live on a radio station well you might not be able to that day and on these hectic days when you're feeling stressed or frazzled hearing the sound of counsel given on New Life live is just what you need to navigate the unexpected things of life every time I'm troubled or I have have a problem I'll cut on new life and there's always always something that is said that is helpful to me by listening I have learned more than I can ever express about how God wants me to live download the new life app for the easiest way to listen wherever you are and at a time that's convenient for you or watch the show on our YouTube channel you can even subscribe to our podcast from your favorite podcast provider you never have to miss a day of New Life wherever you are we are hi this is Steve urn and for over 34 years new life has been the most trusted name in Christian counsil your ministry has saved my life if you struggle with emotional hurt family or marriage problems the pit of depression or the pain of addictions we can help I'm down 100 lb now from what I was our treatment programs provide clinically appropriate solutions from licensed professionals all in a Biblical framework I have had problem s with alcohol I think God has ordained this place to be his you don't have to be a prisoner of your pain help is available at 1800 new L she tells me that I'm a new man and I feel like a new man it worked for me and it can work for them too this time it is different if you're ready to take the first step towards genuine spiritual and emotional healing call us today 1 800 new life God can open the door to a better tomorrow call 1800 6395 [Music] 433 to find out more information about new life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program call 1 1800 new life now back to New Life live welcome back to New Life live and we're talking with Mary she's asking about um like personality disorders or even what we refer to as sociopathy which is really dangerous Behavior harmful behavior in a person that can be pervasive over time so well and so Mary I I said we don't typically diagnose kids when they're young but we do take notice and we do have to address Behavior because you're asking and I'm not sure why you're asking but you're asking about sociopathy and certainly there are signs in young children that typical signs of fire setting killing of animals um doing harm without remorse yeah yeah boundary viol like compulsion to harm others but it it feels relieving not remorseful to that person so and it could be in lesser forms of a conduct disorder people are doing starting young doing illegal things doing the boundary violations um and so you have to address those behaviors because you don't want them to go into full-blown and and and yet I mean the more severe they are the the less intervening you can do really yeah all right okay so now um um is it hereditary can this it can be yeah yeah there there definitely can be um genetic components or vulnerabilities to it right so it's kind of the nurture versus nature that we're always looking at and it's usually a combination of both what you come into the world with a lot of things lay dormant until they're invoked in the environment yeah and then that if I'm if I'm raised by a narcissist how much is it I just inherited stuff versus what it was like to live in the home of a narcissist and how that impacted me right and what did I learn how I learned how to be a human being by a narcissist so exactly exactly those are going to be in play yeah but I think if I can read between the lines Mary is you're asking this question based on some experience you're having with somebody and so um my grandson okay so what I want to say is this especially for children it's for all human beings but especially for children and adolescents behavior is a strong form of communication and okay all Behavior has meaning yes okay yeah right so what we want to do like our natural tendency is to explain the behavior without understanding the behavior a diagnosis is a good way to explain the behavior without understanding it unless you have a professional over time that can do that that's that's or we just want to control and punish the behavior that's true too yeah right without fully understanding and so a good question for your grandson is what's going on man what's happening and and if we if he can find it oh go ahead in in his GR in in in his growing up time some um um his his mother seemingly punishes kind of like a drill sergeant um and then his he has his brother um has anger management problems and ADHD very bad MH and so there was a lot of trauma in the house I believe at times and I don't know whether this has kind of uh traumatized him um um and then we you know we're trying to heal it well we're trying to heal it how old is he he's 15 okay um but he tends to get into trouble um you know he just he just tends to get into trouble um he's not with his mother full time now he's with um his father my son okay um and so so so Mary let me process is he is he going to therapy is he seeing anyone um I he has been going to therapy um there's been family therapy oh good um um really trying to get the family back together yeah um well that's really good well and if your son if your son is a solid guy I mean he could make all the difference in the world in a 15-year-old boy's life yeah and and I think and I think this too Mary is that you have an incredible Advantage there is no one on planet Earth like grandma Yeah I mean there's no Grandma's can say yeah cuz Grandma is is that's what they tell me yes grandma is this incredibly unique god-given position of this true unconditional love and acceptance but still a source of truth yes you you can get away with it right cuz you're not a parent and accept it but he is she's also a wonderful resource for him yeah to be able to tell the truth so you could ask like you and your son each individually could go to him to your grandson and ask hey tell me what's going on with you and and what was it like growing up in in with your with your mom and get two totally different answers because of how safe he might feel with you because there's not going to be ramifications thing initially I had told him that he could come to me if he had questions or he needed he needed to um and as long as it's not something detrimental right yeah but see with teenagers with teenagers we have to go to them we can't just say Hey whenever you whenever you want to you can come to me and ask questions or ask for help or whatever we actually have to go to them on a regular basis and continue that invitation hey I'm here I'm here to listen but like take him out you know go go get a soda or something go for a walk ride in the car and talk yeah if he if you that's great cuz if you're the safe place where he can experience his body relaxing because he knows he's loved yeah he knows that you know and that he's not going to be harmed that you know as JJ was saying as well it's like do that consistently over time right and don't just ask Chris sorry how he's doing but how how are you doing on the inside of you yeah how how's your heart feeling what are the things you think about what are the things you worry about what are You Afraid of Anything yeah right right how do you see yourself in your friend group yeah right those kinds of questions well and and this is so important for all of us you know because the truth is is that our unresolved fears and pains if we don't talk them out we act them out they are undefeated they will they will show you know they have to get outside of us and I'm a big believer in this you know I was coaching my team my therapist team on this the other day I said I really believe that our body wants to reveal the truth and it's terrified at the same time and it just needs a safe place to do that and so Mary we are so grateful that your grandson has you and we are so grateful that you called in cuz what a reminder of the incredible um gift that grandparenting is in in our world today and that your concern and your love for your grandson is showing up we're going to send you a copy of how we love our children and that really kind of gives us a little bit deeper dive into how do we connect with the internal world of of our kids thank you so much for calling in hey thank you listeners for listening for being with us for sharing um our time together I do want to mention that any gift that you give in the month of July comes with this phenomenal new book by Dr Henry Cloud why I believe um we love for you to support us and we will continue to be here for you thank you Dr Jill hubard thank you JJ great time with you guys today and we'll see you later thanks for listening we hope this program has helped you by giving you insights for handling the challenges you face in your life we want you to know that we're here for you but you also need to know that new life live is a listener supported Ministry to make your donation or to get any of the resources mentioned on today's program call 1 800 new life that's 1 800 639- 5433 or write to us at New Life Ministries PO Box 1029 Lake Forest California 92609 please join us again tomorrow for New Life live thanks for watching today we love helping people I hope you sense that and we know that there's always hope if you find the right resource now if something we've said that somebody else applies to you that's fantastic that's what we're hoping for but also if you want to join us directly you can call 1 800 229300 between 1 and 3 eastern time Monday Tuesday and Wednesday those are the best times to get through and while you're here on YouTube check out these other videos that we've done to help people see where they could grow or a different path to take and if you do that would you give us a thumbs up on the video and please subscribe to this channel there are many ways that we can help you outside of the radio program and it's very hard for some to pick up a phone and dial one800 new life but when you do we put you in touch with somebody who cares about you knows all the resources out there and they're going to find the best for you there is no reason to struggle alone I hope to see you tomorrow hope you'll invite somebody else to come and join that maybe needs just a little bit of help along the way I'll see you next time

Channel: New Life Ministries

Views: 558

Keywords: Counseling, support, community, faith, faithcommunity, advice, christian, therapy, therapists, counselors, addiction, parenting, teenparenting, marriage, marriageadvice, brokenmarriage, divorce, divorced

Id: MieUITOxqm4

Length: 56min 16sec (3376 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 04 2024