Do This If He Has An Avoidant Attachment Style - 7 Frustrating Signs!

in this video you will learn seven alarming signs that your man has an avoidant attachment style these signs are based on years of research on adult attachment theory so if you're dating a man who avoids commitment and emotional intimacy or pulls away when you get close then you must watch this video because i'm going to tell you exactly what to do to bring him closer and get the loving relationship you deserve don't go anywhere because we're starting right now [Music] hi everyone i'm dr antonio borrello and i'm a psychologist and a relationship coach this channel is all about helping you build great relationships so you can grow happy together so if you want to make your love life the best part of your life hit the subscribe button and the bell notification so you aren't missing anything okay on to the frustrating signs that your man has an avoidant attachment style as i've explained in previous videos attachment theory explains our biological need to attach to or bond with others this human need to be close is embedded in our genes we have all been wired to single out a few specific people in our lives and make them precious to us we have a biological need to become attached and everyone forms attachments including the most independent and self-sufficient loners who suppress their feelings and avoid vulnerability we all become attached it's simply a biological fact what is different though are the ways we attach to others your attachment style or the way in which you perceive and respond to intimacy and closeness may be very different from my attachment style and years of research on adult attachment style has confirmed that regardless of your gender or race or age or culture all of us fall into one of four adult attachment styles and those are secure attachment anxious attachment style avoidant attachment style or a rare combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles now as promised in this video you will learn the signs that your man has and avoid an attachment style this is an attachment style characterized by emotional unavailability fear of others getting too close and preoccupation with self-sufficiency and independence but more importantly i'm going to explain why it's so important for you to recognize and understand this attachment style because not understanding your attachment style and your partner's attachment style can mean the difference between having a loving and supportive committed relationship or a lifetime of toxic emotional rollercoaster type and dead end relationships it's that important in fact i don't think i've ever explained a concept more important than this so keep watching and don't skip ahead because this video will be the answer to so many of your relationship struggles i promise you see in an ideal situation two people begin dating and have similar relationship goals and intimacy needs in this case one partner's intimacy needs are satisfied and reciprocated by the other they are both authentic with their feelings and comfortable with how the relationship progresses they are in alignment however when couples disagree about their relationship goals or the degree of closeness and intimacy they want in their relationship serious problems arise for example consider a new dating situation where one partner craves intimacy and closeness and wants a warm and loving committed relationship on the other hand her partner is more avoidant and uncomfortable with too much closeness or intimacy and values independence and freedom above all clearly the couple's intimacy needs are incongruent i mean they're practically opposites this sets the stage for what i call the relationship intimacy dance that is common when you're dating a person with an avoidant attachment style you see as a new relationship develops the partner with a secure or an anxious attachment style attempts to intensify and deepen the relationship by getting closer and increasing their engagement and intimacy on the other hand their avoidant partner has the opposite reaction because he's uncomfortable with too much closeness and intimacy he deactivates he pulls away and tries to distance himself from his partner so what happens next well if you watch youtube videos or follow popular dating advice like many of the ones that i have made you will probably engage in some type of protest behavior or some action that tries to get his attention back and re-establish closeness you respond to his distancing with your own distancing strategies that are intended to wake him up and make him pay attention so you try to make him miss you by not being available or you stop calling him and wait for him to initiate or you don't appear to care too much you make more plans with your friends and family you take the focus off of him and you make yourself busy so you appear to be this strong and independent and high value woman and guess what happens it works like magic you've given him the distance or space that he needs he worries that you are no longer needing him or that he is losing you and that activates his attachment system he gets more attracted and wants you again he then begins to pursue and chase you again and just like that he shows you that he needs you and wants you and you get the reconciliation and the closeness that you want and need everything is great right well not if your man has an avoidant attachment style you see if he has an avoidant attachment style your newly re-established closeness will be short-lived and as soon as you let your guard down again as soon as you show your authentic feelings and get closer your avoidant partner will feel uncomfortable with the intimacy he'll get cold feet and then disengage and distance himself again that's the push pull run and chase relationship intimacy dance and that's a cycle that can literally go on for years and years when you get close and show your feelings he pulls away then you get frustrated and pull away and he begins to pursue you and get closer it's a cycle of exacerbating each other's insecurities and maintaining the stable instability of this troubled relationship and if you happen to have an anxious attachment style you remain in a state of uncertainty and dissatisfaction that can go on for years without ever finding the degree of intimacy you want but when you recognize and understand that your partner has an avoidant attachment style you become empowered to make some changes that i will talk about in a minute but it all starts with knowing the signs to look for so without further ado here are the most common and frustrating signs to look for number one he sends mixed messages about his feelings for you sometimes you feel that he really likes you other times you aren't so sure he says things like i'm not ready to commit but he wants to act like a couple or he doesn't want to make anything official or give you any commitment he gives you mixed signals because he often seems distant and aloof but every now and then you catch a glimpse of his vulnerability this makes you feel like he has a tough exterior but he's softer on the inside and will eventually become emotionally intimate and vulnerable another thing he avoids physical closeness such as sharing the same bed cuddling after sex or being physically near you or affectionately holding your hand while watching tv together number two he doesn't make his goals and intentions clear he doesn't bring up the relationship talk or tries to avoid talking about the relationship when you inquire about the future he prefers to keep things fuzzy and may make you feel uncomfortable for asking about the relationship or he may flirt with others as a way of introducing insecurity in the relationship another example rather than removing his relationship status on social media he keeps his relationship status as single on the front page of his profile as if he wants to advertise the fact that he is single or despite being in a relationship with you for some time he keeps you a secret on social media he also says things like why do we need to have a label can't we just see how things go or despite the fact that this is troubling you he gets so annoyed by the topic that he makes the conversation off limits or refuses to discuss it number three he's uncomfortable with discussing his feelings or your feelings he doesn't talk about his innermost feelings or tell you how he feels about you perhaps he tells you that he has fun with you but he doesn't say i'm really falling for you or he doesn't say i love you and he makes you insecure about sharing your feelings for him for example he invalidates your feelings and makes you second-guess yourself by saying things like you're too sensitive or you're too needy or why do you have to get so serious all the time he might say stop analyzing everything why can't we just have fun and it becomes clear that it's difficult for him to emotionally support you when you're feeling upset or down about something instead he ignores the things that you say that inconvenience him in other words he doesn't respond at all or he changes the subject instead for example if you tell him that something is bothering you he may not inquire about it or try to understand what you're going through so he's bad at reading your nonverbal cues when you're upset and he doesn't feel like it's his responsibility to do so either number four he uses both emotional and physical distancing and deactivating strategies he often pulls away when you feel like things are going great for example after spending a beautiful weekend getaway with you he doesn't call or text you for a few days or he tells you that he has a super busy week and won't have any time to see you another example instead of making or confirming your next date he intentionally leaves plans unclear for example if you ask him about his plans for the weekend he leaves things vague or tells you let's play it by ear and see how things go another distancing strategy he often adopts a platonic attitude when the two of you are together in public he keeps some social distance when he's walking with you rather than holding your hand while walking together another seemingly unrelated example he has a history of forming relationships with an expiration date or impossible relationships as in dating someone who is married it's puzzling why he would waste months and years of his time on a relationship with no future number five he leaves conflicts unresolved during a disagreement or fight he often explodes and needs to get away instead of trying to resolve the conflict he gets up and walks out he may say things like forget it i'm not going to talk about this anymore other times you recognize that he's angry or annoyed with you but without a specific reason lastly you are constantly fighting about things that you shouldn't be fighting about and these seemingly minor conflicts keep reoccurring in your relationship it's always the same fight that never gets resolved the reason for this well resolving the conflict often brings couples closer together but your avoidant partner unconsciously wants to avoid this closeness he wants to remain distant to avoid greater emotional closeness number six he values his independence and self-sufficiency and looks down on dependency as neediness he emphasizes the boundaries in your relationship or maintains rules that you must comply with for example he doesn't want to introduce you to friends or family or colleagues he makes you feel like he wants to keep your relationship separate from other parts of his life or he worries that his two worlds will collide and he will not have any freedom from you he says things like i could never be with someone who isn't completely self-sufficient another smoking gun he says things like sometimes i feel smothered or suffocated in this relationship number seven he has an unrealistically romantic view of the ideal relationship when you first meet him he tells you that he's interested in a long-term committed relationship or marriage he claims that he desperately wants to meet the one but somehow always finds fault in the people he has dated or in the circumstances that made commitment impossible or he is hung up on or idealizes a past relationship but he's vague about what went wrong he is the charming and attractive and successful 45 year old man who claims that he wants marriage in a family yet he's never been married or even engaged he just claims that he's been unlucky or hasn't met the one now if you recognize some or many of these signs in your partner it's likely that you're in a relationship with a man who has an avoided attachment style so now what well here's where things get difficult that's because men with avoidant attachment styles are often unaware of their need to avoid closeness they are unaware of their need to avoid intimacy and keep distance and separateness and when they are in a relationship and feel uncomfortable because their partner wants to be closer or committed they feel pressure or trapped and they want to get away they often assume that it's because they aren't as attracted to their partner or their partner is really not the one remember they have an unrealistically romantic view of what a relationship should be like so rather than seeking greater insight into their own attachment system they assume that they've been unlocking love and maintain the belief that when they meet the one or when they meet their soul mate then the need for independence and distance will magically disappear and as you can imagine this results in them finding themselves in one failed relationship after the other repeating the same cycle again and again and they eventually become the 50 or 55 year old successful and charming and attractive bachelor that never gets married and never has children now here's the good and the bad news if you're in a long-term relationship with an avoidant partner there's hope that the two of you can turn things around and achieve a more secure and satisfying relationship for both of you but obviously that starts with having a partner who is open to educating himself about attachment theory and how it affects his personal relationships it truly is possible for them to change help is out there in the form of great books on this topic and many great therapists but it starts with a willingness to look inside in a desire to change with that willingness and education you can navigate a healthy and secure relationship on the other hand if you are in a newer relationship or in a relationship with an avoided man who lacks insight and refuses to educate himself you're setting yourself up for more of the same for months or years to come ultimately you have opposing attachment and intimacy needs and are bound for more dissatisfaction and heartbreak in that case perhaps it's better to put your self-love and self-respect above your feelings and walk away i'm gonna talk more about this in the next video i've also made a video about how to get your man more emotionally attached to you click here to watch that video or click here to watch a video about how to tell if your man has a secure attachment style and in the next few videos i'm going to continue to discuss anxious attachment style and more about the anxious avoidant trap and how they impact relationships so if you're interested in those topics make sure that you're subscribed and hit the bell notification so you see those videos as soon as they come out i'll see you in the next video

Channel: Antonio Borrello

Views: 79,271

Rating: 4.9391537 out of 5

Keywords: attachment style, attachment styles, avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment style, dismissive attachment style, avoidant attachment, attachment theory, attachment styles in relationships, dismissive avoidant attachment, dismissive avoidant, emotionally unavailable, emotionally unavailable man, emotionally unavailable partner, antonio borrello situationship, antonio borrello, relationship advice, relationships, avoidant personality disorder

Id: 9FR0lczSC8U

Length: 14min 33sec (873 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 13 2020