(upbeat music)
(cocktail pouring) - There are some secrets
we take to the grave and others we plaster online for laughs. This is "Dirty Laundry." I'm your host, Lily Du and today I am joined by a
Bloody Mary, Vic Michaelis. - Hi. Thank you so much for having me. Happy to be here. - [Lily] A bloody Grant, Raphael Chestang. - Yep, that's me.
- [Lily] That's when Grant gets drunk and cuts his finger.
(all laughing) Bloody Mary said three times while looking into a mirror, Ryan Creamer. - Scary. - And Bloody Kevin. That's just a random guy
named Kevin who got hurt. Carolyn Page.
- I'll cut you up, Kev. (all laughing)
- Here's how the game works. I have a stack of secrets about our guests and they have to guess who
each secret belongs to. If it's their own, they
should make accusations to try and throw people off their trail. But we might have mixed in a secret or two about me or Grant, cuz we
still have secrets too. Hey Grant, what's today's special? - Lily, today's cocktail
is a Grant the Beachcomber, and our non-alcoholic option
is a classic Shirley Temple. - Wow, he found a way to make
the drinks more about him. (panel laughing)
All right. Here is how scoring works. You get one point for every
time you guess correctly, but if it's your own secret and you manage to trick
everyone, you get three points. Sound good? - Mmm-hm.
- Yes! - All right, let's get to it. ♪ Swear I'll never lie to ya ♪ - [Lily] First secret. Who pissed their pants on
purpose on a first date? - On purpose? - On purpose?
(all laughing) - Oh, so you said, "Oh,
not me. By accident." Me by accident.
(all laughing) Me, not on purpose.
- Give me some recognition of, "Oh, I've done that many
times very intentionally." (all laughing)
- Okay, this is tough. - Carolyn's shirt is literally yellow. - But Ryan's a piss boy.
- That is true. It is tough to... This one's a tough one to defend when you're notoriously a piss boy. - Yeah.
- Yeah. One of the main things
people know about me. - I think it's Carolyn.
I think it's Carolyn. - Because of her yellow shirt? - No, no, yeah, I should clarify.
- Yeah, that's crazy - It's not because of the yellow shirt. I think if anyone's
gonna do it on purpose, it would be Carolyn.
- Yeah this is interesting because it kind of reads to
me as like an alpha move. (all laughing)
- You gotta have a lot of confidence.
- Hey, you think you own this date? No. - And do you think this
is to, yeah, impress them? Their date?
- Yeah, what would be the motive.
- I bet not. - Here's what I'm thinking though. It would be to get out of a date. That's what I'm thinking.
- Oh, that interesting. - It would be like, "Oh, I have to go." - Yes.
- That's very interesting. - What coward would do that? - Well, I don't know if it's
so much a cowardly move. (all laughing)
Come on. - Let's get our guesses in. - Oh no! Okay. - Vic, who do you think
pissed their pants on purpose on a first date.
- Me first? Okay, so I'm gonna go with my heart and I'm gonna say Raph. - Wow!
- Whoa! - Wow.
- I'm gonna follow my heart and that's what my heart says. Sorry.
- Okay. Alright. Go ahead. Waste your turn. - I will, thank you.
- Okay, Raph, who do you think then? - I say Carolyn. I think it's Carolyn. - Ryan, who do you think? - I think the logic of it
being to get out of a date makes a lot of sense to me and I think a girl would
do that before a guy would. And I'm gonna say it's Carolyn. - I'm gonna say it's Vic.
- Will the pants pisser please take a sip of their drink. (dramatic music) - Stop.
- What! What? No way!
- No way! - No way!
- Wow! (Lily screams)
That got me. - "I was the pisser all along." - I gotta say, I'm so
glad this is the first one because I was like, "If
I have to get up and pee during the show, it's going
to be so clear that it's me." (Ryan laughing)
- But you did it on purpose! - Let me explain.
(Raph laughing) Okay, so normally, standardly, I just have to pee a lot when I drink. - Standardly.
- Standardly, that's my operating like... And this is a first
date and I met this girl and it was going well, but I just kept having to get up to pee. And I'll set the scene, it
was raining in New York, I was wearing like a long raincoat, so this goes into my
purposeful strategy, okay? So I went up to go to...
Stay with me, okay? Stay with me, okay?
- I'm right with you. - You know what? I, after this happened,
told a group of friends and was like, "This will be
fun. We're laughing at it." And instantly I saw everyone's
perception of me change. (all laughing) - I will say, I have heard this story from a friend of Ryan's
as a disturbing story about Ryan.
(all laughing) - The way you're setting it
up, it could be a rom-com, it could be a horror movie. - I mean, so here's what happened. It was like the fourth or
fifth time that I got up to pee and I'm like embarrassed. Like the optics of this
just make me embarrassed and I don't wanna get up
to go and pee anymore. And I did the math, I'm
like, "It's raining outside. "I'm wearing a long raincoat. "I'm going to pee my pants right now "instead of going to the bathroom again." - Did you like this person?
- Yeah! We went on another date.
(Grant blows a raspberry) The date ended and she was just like, "Wow, you went away so fast." Like, I went and got into
a cab and it was like, I think she was like,
we're gonna have a kiss, and I was just like, "Oh
yeah, I had to run. Sorry." I don't want, there's pee in my pants. - "I'm sorry. I pissed my pants." - This is truly the wildest
story I've ever heard. - And that's how we're starting. That's three points to
Ryan on the first question. - But at what cost?
- Next question. Who had sex with someone the night that person
signed their divorce papers? - Damn. Damn! - I'm sorry, are we still
thinking about the piss pants? - Yeah. That's gonna take
me a while to get over. (all laughing)
- Whoever submitted this just wants us to know
that they've had sex. - I think they just want-
- It's you again! It's you again!
- A group of people to be like, "Oh wow,
you've had sex before?" That's what I think the play is here. - I think it could be piss boy again. - Oh, I can't become piss boy. - I think they did back to back. - I've done a great
service to whoever this is by giving the lamest thing
to catapult into coolness. - Green card marriage?
- Hmm. - Could have been a green card marriage. - If you have a green card
marriage, don't say anything. (all laughing) - I'm hoping that the papers being signed was like part of the foreplay. I really hope it was part of
the sex, you know what I mean? - Oh, yeah.
- That's honestly hot. (all laughing) - It could have been Grant. - That's right. I like that. - Wait, it's hotter after
they're legally divorced and not when they're just
still a little married? - Oh, fuck, Lily, you're right. Oh, shit, you're absolutely right. - Oh fuck. Oh. - All right, let's get our guesses in. Who had sex with someone the night that person
signed their divorce papers? Carolyn, who do you think it was? - I think it's Grant. - [Lily] Ryan, who do you think it was?
- I'm gonna say it's you. - Raph, who do you think it was? - I'm just gonna say Carolyn for every one.
- You can't say me for every answer.
- I say Carolyn. - I'm going for who I think is probably the coolest person here,
so I'm gonna go Carolyn. - Wow. They looked right at me. I thought they were gonna
say me. I was getting ready. I was getting ready
to... Look right at me. And Carolyn.
- You saying I'm cool, that's the best compliment I've ever gotten, so.
- I know it wasn't coming to the boy who's been
called piss boy thus far. (all laughing) - Will the person who had sex with someone the night that person
signed their divorce papers, please take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - It was me.
- Yeah! - Yay, Carolyn. - I had sex.
- Ooh! - Thank you. Thank you.
- Sorry, Mom. - Points to Raph and Vic. - Wow. I'm feeling good about this. - There's actually quite
a bit more to this story. - Ooh!
- Hmm, yes! - 'Cause it was also, also the first time I ever pegged anyone. - Hmm.
- Ooh! - Wow!
- Wham. I get set up on this date. I'm a little hesitant
because they're like, they're just getting a divorce. I'm like, "That's not great. "I'm looking for a relationship. "That seems like red flag."
- That's not what Grant and I are looking for.
- Yeah, ugh. Ew.
(Vic laughs) - Ew. So we go out on this date,
things are going fine, we're doing some drugs,
we're having some drinks, We go back to their place and then we're fooling
around a little bit. He's having a little
trouble getting aroused. So obviously, you know,
he's just divorced. That's fine, like, I can go or whatever. And then he like looks
over at his bed stand and he's got this like pickle
statue next to his bed stand. And he's like, "What if
you put this in my ass?" And I was like, "Okay. I
like to try new things." And then I did. - Will you be honest right now? Was it a Pickle Rick?
- Yeah, that was, yeah. - This was pre "Rick and Morty." This was pre "Rick and Morty." - Okay, and wait, so it wasn't a dildo? - That's my question.
- It was not a dildo! - It was just an actual pickle statue? - A statue like a trophy of a pickle. - For what?
- Do you think he's put that in his ass before?
- In the moment, it seemed like he hadn't, but when recounting this
story to my friends, they were all like, "That's his fuck pickle."
- Are you kidding me? - It was on the bedside.
- He has a statue of a pickle next to his bed?
(all laughing) - Alright, that is points to Vic and Raph. - Can I have a point as well? (all laughing)
- No. No, no. I don't think I will give
you a point for that. Next question. Who nearly got shot while
impersonating a cop? - Whoa.
- Wow. - That's fucking crazy. - Well it's not Vic. - Why? Why, why?
(Ryan laughs) - Because they're too clean cut. You would never do anything like that, I don't believe.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- I think it is you. I think it is Vic. - This has to be on a set, right? Like, impersonating a cop, I
think, is like they were cast. To me, this is not someone in... You know what I mean?
- Oh. - Honestly, here's my thought. It's gotta be somebody that's like big on doing internet videos, right? 'Cause I feel like that's maybe a avenue that somebody's taking
where it's like for a TikTok or something like that.
- Oh. - And to me, that leans maybe Ryan? - Mm.
- Yeah. - Okay. How about this? If you've ever pretended to
be a cop, you have to tell us. (all laughing) - I mean, I have played security people. I've played like FBI agents
on TV and been on the streets, like wearing shirts that
say FBI on them and stuff. So I think it's very easy to be around.
- Female body inspector? - Yeah, Female body inspector. - Yeah, that's why I feel like it's Vic because Vic looks like
someone who Hollywood people would cast as a cop.
- Hmm. Interesting. Good point.
- And now Raph hasn't said very much so
now I think it's Raph. - Raph is a quiet man though. - Yeah, I'm just gonna say Carolyn again. I had, I had... That's a cop haircut. - His strategy is clear.
- It's a cop haircut. - No.
- I'm taking it back. Fuck cops. I'm taking it back. - Raph, okay, our final guesses. Raph thinks it's Carolyn.
Ryan, who do you think? - I'm gonna say Raph cuz we did a sketch. You're the only person that
I've seen in real life- - In uniform?
- Dressed as a cop. - Oh!
- Yeah. Okay. Good guess. Vic? - I'm gonna guess Ryan.
- Okay. Carolyn. - Vic. - Will the cop impersonator please take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - Oh.
- Oh. - Wow.
- Whoa. - Goddammit, Ryan.
(Ryan laughing) - He's seen you in uniform.
He's seen too much. So what happened? - I was filming a prank show in Atlanta. - Oh.
- Let me tell you something. If you're gonna play a
fake cop, wear a real vest cuz they're gonna be-
(Grant laughing) 'Cause somebody's, somebody... You're gonna be able to fool somebody and some people you don't
want to fool that well. - I can't fool anyone as a cop. (all laughing) - Hello, you're under arrest. - She also wears long evening gloves as a cop.
- Yeah, the gloves. - Okay, I'm filming a prank
show where the prank was... It was actually a very nice prank where I'm supposed to pretend like I am towing this guy's motorcycle. - Oh no. - Now, this guy belongs to a biker group, which was very important
to make that distinction between a biker group and a biker gang. The difference is, a
person and a biker group doesn't want you to know they're a gang. (all laughing)
So everybody there... - Oh no.
- Everybody there really hated cops and
they let me know that. And so in the middle of the thing- - And this was a nice prank how? - It was a nice prank
because at the end of it, Shaquille O'Neal comes
around the corner in a- - Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
- In a brand new motorcycle for this guy. So his motorcycle is a little beat down and he has this wish of like,
"This is my dream motorcycle." - [Vic] Okay.
- And so he thinks I'm towing it, then Shaq comes around, big-ass Shaq comes around on the motorcycle.
- Shaq on a motorcycle is pretty good.
- The problem is that Shaq is late
so they're in my ears- (all laughing) So they're in my ear saying, "Vamp." Okay, so I gotta keep going at it with this guy.
- As a cop! - Yeah, as a cop, as a police officer. He's like-
- Oh god. - So they're like,
"Tell him the vin number is scratched off, it looks
like you might be stolen." So he's really getting heated. Anyway, eventually Shaq
comes around the corner with the motorcycle and the
guy told me, he was like, "It's a good thing Shaq
showed up when he did. "I was about to introduce
you to my nine friends." And then he flashed his gun at me. And everyone... Everyone was strapped! My guns, totally fake.
(Ryan laughing) - I like that he calls 'em friends. - Yeah.
- I think that's nice. - Was he happy when Shaq got there? - Yeah, everybody's happy
when Shaq gets there. If Shaq walked in right
now, we'd all be happy. Like, yeah, he was good.
- All right, points to Ryan for guessing Raph.
- If we're giving away points, I'll take one.
- Yeah, I'll also take one. - We're not. We're not, once again. You could ask, but I won't give it. Next question. Who got trapped in an amusement park in the middle of the night
with an escaped inmate? - It sure sounds like Scooby-Doo. (all laughing) - The narrative I'm constructing
in my head was like, there's a gunman on the loose
and everyone cleared out except for this one
person and it's them stuck with the other person.
- Fell asleep on a bench. - Yeah.
- Yeah. - I gotta get on Goliath. (all laughing)
- Why are they trapped though? Oh, no. They shut down the amusement park. They found out that...
- Oh. - Someone was in there?
- Yeah, they found out that there was an escaped inmate in there and they said, "Nobody's getting out." - Right.
- Also, if you're an escaped inmate, don't
go to an amusement park. That's so cliche. Go to Raph's house.
(all laughing) - To me, this is like
a complete dice roll. It could be anyone. I just
really wanna hear the story. - Let's get those guesses in then. Raph, who do you think got trapped in amusement park?
- I think Vic. Amusement park is very wholesome. That's what I think.
- I'm a bad guy. (all laughing)
- Vic, who do you think? - Raph. - Ryan?
- I'm gonna say Vic. - I'm gonna say Vic too. - Will the person who is
trapped in an amusement park with an escaped inmate, please
take a sip of their drink? - Yeah, okay.
- Bam! Yeah!
(all laughing) - That was fucked up. - So, okay. So to preface this, I
worked for three seasons, like, what I have the
most job experience in is being a monster at Halloween time. - No way!
- Yeah, doing Halloween haunts and things like that. So I was very good at that. So basically, they were like,
"Okay, you're so good at this. "Do you want a job over the summer "working in the tech department?" And I was like, "Yeah, absolutely." - Same skill.
- So they're just like, "We're gonna give you the easiest job. "You're gonna babysit the fireworks. "There has to be somebody
watching over the fireworks "24 hours a day when
fireworks are on site." So I stayed in this tiny, little shack back by all the Halloween decorations. You like, walk through and then there's this
like patch of fireworks, and my only job is I have
to go once every hour and just like loop around
the fireworks and come back. And I got a little radio, you
don't get any cell service. And they say like you have
to be awake and alert. It's part of the law. I fell asleep immediately
every single time I was there. So I all of a sudden wake up
and my little radio is buzzing and it's the security guard
who has never called me in like, my five or six
nights I've done this so far. And he's just like, "Hey,
I'm gonna loop around. "If you can just come
out front for a sec." And I was like, "Yeah,
of course. Absolutely. "This is fun. I'm getting a visitor." So he comes through and he's just like, "Hey, just wanted to give you a heads up. "We got a call from the police station. "Apparently there's like
someone running around out here "that escaped from one of the prisons. "Don't worry about it.
Shouldn't be a problem." - What?
- And then he leaves. - Oh!
- And so it's just me in this tiny little shack all night. And then we find out the next day, they found him in one of
the bathrooms, like, close. Close enough to this
shack that had I decided to go back out and like do my rounds, I maybe could have run into them. - Christ.
- I don't know. - Whoa.
- But it was truly one of the wildest things
that has happened to me. And I never went back. I
truly never went back again. - Well that is one point
for everyone except Vic, for somehow getting shack-in-the-woods, amusement-park vibes from Vic. - I thought I was doing so well too. I was like, "I'm nailing it.
I'm gonna get three points. "This is gonna be great."
- [Lily] Absolutely. No, people knew.
- Listen, as someone who likes amusement parks, you give off big amusement-park energy. (all laughing) - That is it for round one. We are gonna take a quick break. In the meantime, hey Grant,
what are we drinking today? (playful music) - So today's cocktail is
a Grant the Beachcomber, which is a cocktail that I invented. And it's honestly so stupid for
me to include in this series cuz it has a bunch of ingredients that you're never going to have. This is an homage to a tiki drink. It's strong, it's rich, it's assertive, it's sweet. This drink is everything
I wish I was as a man. We're gonna start with
an ounce of good rum. I'm using a Jamaican rum here because I really like
that brown sugar note, that burnt note that you're
gonna get off of there. It's gonna be a full ounce of that. Then we're gonna do a half an ounce of a super funky rum called Smith & Cross that has almost like a
petroleum nose, in a good way. You don't wanna overdo it with this stuff, but just a little bit in the background is really gonna give it a
nice, like, assertiveness. From there, we're gonna get even weirder and we're gonna add 3/4 of an ounce of macadamia nut liqueur which you are definitely not
gonna have around your house. Finally, we're gonna add Pineapple Amaro and there's one company in the whole world that makes Pineapple Amaro. Add an ounce of that, then ice that down and we're gonna stir that. I'm tracing my spoon
right against the glass to get everything really
just to spin in there. One nice big ice cube. And we're gonna strain that right in. (playful music) Over that, a twist of orange. And that is a Grant the Beachcomber. (music concludes) ♪ Swear I'll never lie to ya ♪ - And we're back. Let's recap the scores. We have Vic with one point. Hey, that's pretty good.
- Don't clap. (all laughing) - Raph with two points.
(Raph groans) Ryan with five points
(Carolyn gasps) and Carolyn with one point.
- Ugh. - All right, next secret.
- Who's the piss boy now? (all laughing)
- It's still you. - Absolutely.
- But maybe someone else will get a new nickname
because the next secret is, who made a hamster cum, C-U-M, cum? - Ryan, right?
(all laughing) - Definitely Ryan.
(Lily cackles) - Ew!
- I will say, whoever's this is, owes me a credit because I know there's targets on my back. I know everyone's gunning for me. It's not me, but I've
done a great shielding job for whoever this is. - Okay, here's what I
think is behind this story. Someone was breeding hamsters and so they put a two hamsters together and the hamsters mated
and then the hamster... So you know, like, I made a hamster cum.
- Oh that would be a real circuitous way to say I bred hamsters.
- But it is a good thought. - No, I think they jerked off a hamster. (all laughing)
That's exactly what I think happened.
- How could you do it without crushing... - Carolyn, I have no idea. Like, I promise you-
- A little pair of chopsticks? A little pair of tweezers?
- I have no fucking idea. I think they jerked off a hamster like the same way that
you would do a horse. - With both your arms?
(all laughing) - Well, whatever reason people have for jerking off horses, like medically. - Right.
- Medically. - They get hysterical unless they cum. - Vic is fully in shock. - Well, I think it's Vic actually. (all laughing)
- Yeah. - My thought is it has to be somebody that that would most
likely work at a pet store. - Mmm-hm.
- That's a good thought. - Or who do you think owned a hamster? When you own the pet,
you have to take them through all kinds of shit. - Okay. I'll lay it out there. My sister owned a guinea pig. - Mmm, but that's not a hamster. - Exactly.
- I owned guinea pigs and hamsters and I never
made either of them jizz. - I had a hamster. Yeah. Never been-
- Wow, a lot of hamster owners in the house.
- Ew. - I'm looking pretty clean right now. - Did you ever have a hamster?
- No! - Did you ever work at a pet store? - No. - Did you ever let a hamster
bukkake on your face? - Of course! I went to college, didn't I? (all laughing) - Alright, let's get our guesses in. Raphael, who do you
think made a hamster cum? - Vic.
- Okay. - [Lily] Vic, who do you
think made a hamster cum? - Ryan. - Ryan, who do you think
made a hamster cum? - (sighs) I'm gonna say Raph. - Carolyn?
- I'm gonna say Raph. I'm gonna say Raph. - Will the person who made a hamster cum, please take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - So the thing is, I actually-
(group exclaiming) - [Raph] Wow! - [Grant] Wow.
- Wow. - Oh my god.
- Floored. - You sneaky hamster fucker.
(all laughing) - Were you wearing the gloves? - I'm so sorry.
- No, I get it. - Okay, here's the story. After my freshman year of college, I was in New York for the summer and my, like, high school boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, on and off,
was hanging out a lot at his, like, NYU,
drug-dealer friend's apartment on like Avenue C. And I was there and the guy
got a hamster for some reason. This hamster had the
largest balls I'd ever seen. - What?
- And I was like, "Oh my God, what do you do?" And I took a pencil and
I kind of tapped them and I was like, "Oh my God,
just get those away from me." And then they started getting
really big and swollen and I was like, "Oh no. (chuckles) "Oh no, I've given it what it wants. "Oh no, I've sexually
aroused this hamster." - Wow.
- Oh my god. - And so I stopped doing that and we just kind of let
the hamster run around and it ran up my ex's jeans. And then later he looked down and he goes, "Why is there a huge
wet stain on my jeans? "And why are the hamster's
testicles so much smaller now?" (all laughing)
- Wow. Damn. - That is points to nobody.
- [Carolyn] Oh my god. - Except the hamster.
- One point for the hamster. - Next question. Who committed libel
against Reese Witherspoon? (Ryan laughing) - [Ryan] Oh, that's very funny.
- Yeah, this is getting very serious. - What is libel again? - Hmm. Okay, it was Ryan. - Come on. - Libel is when you like
slander someone's name. - Well isn't that slander? - Yeah.
- Slander is out loud. Libel's in writing.
- Got it. - Oh!
- Oh! - Oh, who can't do libel then? Writing something?
- Oh, interesting. So yeah, it could be like a tweet, right? - What about freedom of speech? - Go off. Go off. Say it right to the camera.
- Go off, Elon. - Yeah. What about freedom of a speech? Just kidding. Be nice to everyone. (Raph laughing) - So I'm gonna say that it was Raph because he's done a lot of comedy writing and he talks so much shit
on Reese Witherspoon. - Yeah, that's the... - My thought is that it has to be somebody that's a good enough writer that it was like the type
of thing that she read and was like, "That is not okay." - It's definitely not me then. - I'm gonna say Carolyn. I'm gonna say Carolyn.
- Let's get our guesses in. Ryan, who do you think?
- Vic. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Carolyn, who do you think.
- I'm gonna say Raph again. I'm gonna go with Raph. - Raph, who do you think?
- I'm gonna say Ryan. - Vic, who do you think?
- Oh, we're just gonna make it sort of an even... Hmm. An even du... Mmm, no. Carolyn.
- An even distribution? - Yeah, I was gonna say
an even baker's dozen and that didn't make sense. - Will the person who committed libel against Reese Witherspoon please
take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - Oh!
- Whoo! - Ooh, spicy.
- [Carolyn] Yeah. - All right.
(all laughing) - All right. And that's it for me. - Here we fucking go again.
(Raph laughing) - This was a bad day.
(Ryan laughs) So I used to write for the ET Online, Entertainment Tonight, their website. ET Online is like an
entertainment news blog. So what happened was Reese Witherspoon had gotten struck by a car while she was jogging
in Santa Monica on 20th. I wrote that she had been struck by a car going 20 miles an hour. Now, if you get struck by a
car going 20 miles an hour, she'll probably survive. But that shit, you are
gonna have some serious... Like it's a huge difference
from what actually happened. But because the publication has kind of like a wide
audience or whatever, you can still Google it,
and there are still stories that still say, reportedly, Entertainment Tonight
says that she was struck- - Does it have your byline on it? - Probably. - That's gotta be great
for her though, right? Because then she like made
this miraculous recovery. She's back on set the next day. - [Raph] Yeah, yeah.
- It says she's strong. - Everybody's like,
"Reese, you're so brave." You know what I mean? Like that's gotta be fantastic for her.
- So she should give you a prize actually.
(Raph laughing) - The insane way my brain heard
this story when you said it, Is that Reese was
running 20 miles an hour. - See? It's confusing! It's confusing!
- I was like, "Holy fuck. "Put her in the Olympics."
- All right. That is one point for Carolyn. Next, who burned somebody's
eye after a profession of love? - So we don't know who professed love? - No, I guess it's unclear. - So it could have been like a wedding. - Yeah. Right. But we think it's a...
Obviously it wasn't on purpose. (Ryan laughing)
- So we think it's a clumsy person? - I don't think anyone, as
much as I hate everyone here, I don't think any of you would have purposely burnt someone's eye. - We also, literally just
minutes ago, said nobody could possibly have
purposefully pissed their pants. (Ryan laughing)
- And yet, here we are. - Very true.
- Let's get our guesses in. Carolyn, who do you think
burned someone's eye after a profession of love? - I think it's Grant. I think this sounds like
some wacky Grant shit. - That really is some Grant-ass shit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Clumsy. - I tell people I love them all the time. (all laughing) - Ryan, who do you think? - I'm going to say Vic.
- Vic, Who do you think. - This screams a bit gone wrong so I am going to say Ryan. - [Lily] Raph? - I'm gonna say Carolyn. - Will the person who
burned somebody's eye after a profession of love, please take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - Oh.
- Yay! (Raph clapping)
- Uh-huh. - Gather 'round kids.
(Raph chuckles) We're gonna go back a
little bit for this story to my kitchen in Brooklyn, the first year that I lived
there and I was dating- - Tell us more.
- I was dating this guy and he was on my laptop while
I was cooking him dinner. - Whoa.
- Peak around, give him a little (smooches)
peck on the cheek. What do I see on my laptop? He's on Tinder.
(Vic gasps) - On a laptop?
- How serious is this relationship?
- We've been dating for like- - [Raph] Who goes on Tinder on a laptop? - That same night.
(all laughing) - [Raph] Is it even available like that? - Yeah, it is not as fun on the browser. - What?
- Using the mouse to move to the right.
(all laughing) Oh my God. - I say, "What the fuck?" He says... Apologizes like, "Oh my
God, I'm doing it for my ego "'cause I like the ego boost." I say, "That doesn't make it better. "Okay. Dinner's in the trash, you can go." So we break up. Next day... (sighs) I wake up, open my front door, birds are chirping, I'm sad
cuz of the breakup obviously, I find a beautiful bouquet of flowers, lovely handwritten note saying, "I love you, I love you, I
love you. So sorry, da da da." Take the note, reading it,
crying, crying, crying. I'm like, "Okay, let's meet up. "We can talk this out maybe." I get, like, whatever. So he comes over, I'm
like, "You cannot come in. "Like, we're gonna talk on
the stoop like New Yorkers. "Proper New Yorkers." So I'm having a cigarette and I say, "We're breaking up obviously.
We're not together." His totally sane response... Obviously this is a very
sane, stable person, as you can tell from going
on Tinder on a laptop. He says, "I love you, will you marry me?" - No.
- [Grant] Oh God. - Stop.
- He says that. I'm like, I'm like-
- And she said yes! (all laughing)
- And now we're married. I scoff. (scoffs) Flick my cigarette as I
go like this to move it as he goes in for a hug.
(Vic gasps) The cigarette grazes his eye. - Oh.
- God. - And he says, "Ow,"
and then we do break up. - But he didn't have to go
to the hospital or anything? - He didn't have to go hospital. - What a pity.
- But I think it did burn a little bit of his eyebrow off. - Honestly, maybe if you
would've had to spend seven hours in the ER with him, it
would've worked out. - It would've worked out.
(Lily laughing) - All right. That is a crazy story. And that is a point for Raph. Congratulations.
- [Lily] Congrats. - Thank you. I appreciate that. - Boo!
- Next question. Who had their driver's license photo taken while still in their Halloween costume? - (laughing) That's Ryan. (all laughing) - Why? - [Lily] Why?
- I think you would do it just for a goof.
(all laughing) - What, you think Ryan's
the only funny one of us? - No, no, no, no, no. I think whoever did that, they did that for their first driver's license. - I'm surprised that they let you. - Yeah, that's what I
was just about to say. They looked at the rules and
were like, "Oh, what can I do?" It was like, "Oh, I
can go in in anything." And yeah, I think that's what happened. - That's cool. (all laughing)
I like that. It's fun. - So I'm thinking, like... Cuz there do have to be rules. Like, you can't come as like
The Wicked Witch of the West. - Right. We're thinking, like-
- Well, it's up to the states. And you're from Maryland?
- Yeah. - Okay, yeah, I think
Maryland has it's own thing. - Based off what?
- No. - Maryland's like an in-between. It's not the North, it's not really the... It's kind of the South, but not really. (stammering) Yeah, y'all, yeah. Y'all are weird. - Alright, let's get those guesses in. Raph, who do you think did this? - Oh, I think it's Ryan. - Ryan. Who do you think did this? - Or Vic? Damn. - No, I've been doing the Vic strat and that has not been working for me. - No, guess me.
- Okay. Vic. - Vic, who do you think?
- Ryan. - Hmm.
- Wow. - [Lily] Carolyn, who do you think had their driver's license photo taken while in Halloween costume? - I was gonna say Vic, but their strategy of
saying Ryan so quickly, I'm now not sure is faking me out. - No, guess me.
- I'm gonna go... - Do it.
- No! - Hey, I just fell for this. - Whoa.
- Oh god! Ryan. - Will the person who had their
driver's license photo taken while still in their Halloween costume, please take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - No, it's not me. - It is me.
- Yeah! - Oh!
- Oh, man. - That was really good.
- Oh, that's good. - I was sure it was Vic, because that really has
big theme park energy. (all laughing) - Actually we're in a fight now. (all laughing)
(air whooshes) - Yeah!
- I went as Walter White- - Holy shit.
- Wow. - For Halloween. This was in college. And it was not as fun as I've- (Raph and Grant laughing)
- No! - Oh my god.
- So unfortunately, it doesn't read as Walter White as much as it does domestic terrorists. - [Lily] (laughing) You
look like a dickhead. - Where were you on January 6th? (all laughing) - No, this was a thing,
I was off at college, I was like, "Life is here, not at home." And it was Halloween and
I went as Walter White. I was like, "I'm gonna
commit and shave my head," and then got a call from
my folks being like, "Hey, your license is almost expired." This is not intentional, like
fun, I'm doing a bit thing. It's just like a, "Oh, fuck." - Oh my God.
- And I had my shaved head, and I was like, "Okay, I
guess I'm on the no-fly list "for eight more years.
- Oh! - I like that you went
with the smile though. - Oh, you gotta go with the smile. - You could tell he is a sweet boy underneath all the white supremacy. (all laughing)
That is points to everyone except for Ryan. - Yeah.
- Boo. - Would anyone like to ask for any points? - Yeah.
- No. - Okay.
- You can't have them. - Oh, I would like to ask for a point. - I'll think about it for you. Last question.
- Wait, I'll take a point. (all laughing) - No.
- Okay, fair enough. - Last question. Who would a bomb squad
called because of them? (Ryan laughing) - A bomb squad called on 'em.
- Ryan, in that last picture. (all laughing) - All right, well... I got a confession. (all laughing) - A baffling strategy.
(Raph laughing) - I'm just like wondering
what a context could be that this would be okay. - Yeah, no, it wasn't okay. There's no way that it was okay. - But what do you remember?
- Well, I... When I was in high school,
what, this is like '03, there were a lot of bomb
threats at my high school. You know, it was after
9/11, we were at war. (Lily imitates playing a horn)
(Ryan laughing) But no, there were a lot of bomb threats at my high school
because they figured out, if they call in a threat,
we won't have to do fi... It was always around finals.
It was always around finals. - To get school off.
- Oh. - You can fake sick or you
can call in a bomb threat. Kids, keep those in mind. - You can be a hero for yourself or you can be a hero for the whole school. (Raph laughing)
- Vic's eyes. A true horror of what the world
has to offer washing over. - I haven't left my house in 15 years. - You didn't study enough for your AP exam so you gotta plant a little bomb. What's up?
(Ryan chuckling) - I wasn't showing up to school anyway, so this is all new to me. - Alright, let's get those
final, final guesses in. Vic, who do you think had a
bomb squad called on them? - I feel like maybe Grant. - I gotta tell you, 9/11 was a crazy time. (all laughing) - Raphael? - I mean I guess I go with Vic. - Ryan?
- I'm gonna say Raph cuz he was talking about
calling one in today. (all laughing) - He didn't wanna do this shoot and he was gonna call in a bomb threat. Carolyn? - Ryan. - Will the person who
had a bomb squad called because of them, please
take a sip of their drink? (dramatic music) - Listen, I'm just happy
Raph got the point, you know?
- Whoa! - Yes! Yes!
- It's like comradery with the couch, you know? - You played that so, so well. - That was good.
- Actor! - Genuinely had me.
- And scene. Okay, so our eighth grade trip to DC, neighbor to Maryland.
- Of course. - We were doing the tour of
like all the different museums and of course we were at the spy museum. I was not like a cool person
in middle school or high school or anything like that, and so I was like, "Oh, I'm gonna impress people "by buying a bunch of stuff at
the spy museum," was my plan. And then I was like, "And
then I'm gonna show 'em off "to everybody and I'll
show off all my spy gadgets "and it's gonna be super fun." Because it's the spy museum,
their whole gimmick is, they like just put stuff in
like plain brown paper bags. And our next stop was one
of the war memorial museums. So I was like sitting down with my class, I left this brown, unmarked bag with like glasses and
cameras, like button cameras and a jar of peanut butter
that was hollow on the inside, just like in this memorial and we leave. And then I'm like, "Oh
no, I forgot my bag. "We gotta go back." I make my entire class
go back to this museum at which point the entire
thing is roped off, like, with the caution tape. And they have called in the bomb squad because somebody has left a
very, very suspicious package with items that should not
be placed in a bag together in this like this moment-of-silence
room that you go into. So they are sure that somebody is trying to bomb this memorial. But they didn't, it was
me and I got my bag back. - And then Shaquille O'Neill pulled up... (all laughing) - All right. That is a point to Raph. It's closing time. Let's
look at the final scores. We have Vic, with two points. Carolyn with three points.
- Congratulations. - [Lily] Ryan with five points and Raph with five points.
- Oh! - That means our winners
are... Don't leave him hanging. Our winners are Raph and Ryan. Grant, tell 'em what they've won. - The prize is a "Dirty
Laundry" cocktail set. - Ooh.
- Yay. - Hell yes.
- Make yourself something nice in that. All right, that's it for "Dirty Laundry." I'm your host, Lily Du, and here's hoping you become a regular. (cocktail pouring)
(mellow music) (mellow music) (mellow music) - Will the person who lost
a nipple climbing a fence... Will the pants pisser... Caught eating leftovers
out of the trash... Threw up in a Disney Channel
star's living room... Mausoleum hooker-upper...
Virgin sacrificer... Arrested in the middle
of their English class... Trapped in an amusement park in the middle of the night
with an escaped inmate... Investigated by the FBI... Made a man climax by
smashing a lamp to pieces... Human-body-part thief, please
take a sip of their drink. Please take a sip... Take a sip... A sip... Sip of their drink. Take a big old sip of their drink. (all exclaiming) - We would still be friends after this. (upbeat music) - Whoa!
(man shouting) - Let's start lying. - Oh no!
- No way! You son of a biscuit.
- You were in high school? (Lily gasps)
- Oh my gosh. - That was (beep) up.
- Very satisfying. - Yeah, I did it. I did it! - That is a "Dirty Laundry" first. - But you have sort of a graveyard energy. (women laughing)
- Probably 24 inches. - Get out!
- 24 inches? - I don't believe you!
- 24 inches? - I'm doing it from the table. - Ohh!
- Ooh! - All these secrets are disgusting. - Eat my ass, Brennan. - I wanna live behind
the paywall with you. (woman snickers)
(upbeat music) - Well dang, welcome
to the Crusty Hoe Club. - Oh my God!
- I got a cup of coffee, I'm changing my tampon. - Everybody's getting real quick drinks. Chipotle Brown Derby. Spiked apple cider. Celery margarita. - I'm super drunk right now. - Oh.
(woman laughing) - So what if it was me?
(all shouting) - I have secrets about everyone. - I'm so bad at this. (laughs) (upbeat music concludes)
