- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is "Breaking News". (upbeat music) - Good evening and welcome
to "Breaking News", the show where we don't know
what we're about to say, and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. I'm Jackin' the Box.
- And I'm Mrs. New Booty. - Congrats on the wedding, by the way. - I told you, it was small, so
we couldn't invite everyone. - Yeah, sure. Anyway, news tonight about
formal viral sensation the "I like turtles" zombie boy. He's all grown up and you won't believe how he feels about turtles.
- That's right, Jack. When questioned about the
almost 15 year old video, zombie boy was quoted saying, "I think turtles are just okay, and please stop calling me zombie boy." - And checking in on Charlie
from "Charlie Bit my Finger", he's still a baby!
- I miss the days of YouTube when things were silly
instead of radicalizing. I ought to make a classic
2010 style viral video. - Oh yeah? What would you do? - I would put a Slip 'N
Slide down my parents' stairs and when they wake up
and go, watch them go. That's a two flight set of stairs. It goes down, and then
they pick themselves up, it goes around, doo doo doo doo doo. People were mean on the
internet back in the day and they would absolutely
laugh at your old mama falling down the stairs. - Sounds like an epic fail. I apologize. All this talk about turtles
really got me going. When I was a kid, I was very horny... I was very horny, I'm getting worked up, for Raphael from Teenage Mutant... Teenange Muntant Ninja Turtles. He took a bath in one of those movies and that was it for me. - Mm, what other fictional
characters get you aroused? - Oh, a ton, baby. Let's go down the list of my 10 favorites. 10, Kachow, the guy from "Cars". Forgot his name 'cause
I'm so horny for him. Nine, "Herbie Fully
Loaded", the entire movie. - Are these all gonna be cars? - Yes. Eight, Thomas the Train Engine. Kind of a derivative, but
still a car, technically. - Tank engine. - WALL-E, horny for that
robot, that space baby robot. - Oh no! - Stuart Little of course. Who
could forget that baby mouse? - Oh my god!
- Not a baby. - Well, he's baby to me. He's my baby. "Stuart Little 2", the one- - Same character, same character. - The same character, but
from the second movie. I see them as two
different sexual entities. Pokemon, Ho-Oh, the legendary pokemon. Horny when I saw that character. It's a flaming bird, guys. Crazy. - Moltres.
- Moltres, yeah. (Amy laughing) (Alfred's lips smacking) Sandra Bullock in "The
Blind Side" specifically. Specifically Sandra Bullock
in "The Blind Side". Michael Jordan from "The Last Dance". That was fictional to me, and very sexual. And then last one, you know,
save the best for last, the water in "Pocahontas". - Interesting. My list is completely different. 10 fictional characters
that I am horny for. The fox in "Robin Hood". The fox Maid Marian, also
a fox in "Robin Hood". The big lion king in "Robin
Hood", not "Lion King". The king with the... The snake that sucks all
the rings off the fingers, also in "Robin Hood". Damn, that was a horny movie. The daddy rat in "Ratatouille". Oh, look at those little fingers go. Brock from "Pokemon".
That guy wants to fuck. Mm, also Moltres.
- So sexy. That bird is on fire, and baby, so is my vagina. Sandra Bullock's character
from "Miss Congeniality". Oh, that's a good character. Also, Benjamin Bratt's character
from "Miss Congeniality", and then number 10, Ash from "Pokemon" but
if he wasn't a child, if he was an adult. - Speaking of horny, it's
that time of year again, whatever season it is at
the time we're filming this is in full swing. - That's right, and it wouldn't be whatever season it is without hearing from our resident clown, Giggles McFun. (Amy laughing) - Hey. Hey guys. I have a very special
segment planned for you. - Oh no.
- Oh no. (laughs) Oh no. (laughs) - Stay steady enough
to get the lipstick on. - Today I'm gonna teach you how to juggle. Okay, you toss one. Wait. You toss one and then the other. (laughs) Okay.
- Unsuccessful already. (Amy laughing) - Okay, let's go. Let's add another one now that we have that on lock. Okay, so you try to toss
it to your other hand, right there. - That was pretty good. - Okay.
- No, don't lie. - One more. (laughs) There's really not much to it! You throw one ball,
then you thrown another. Then you throw another. Don't drop them! What's wrong, Mrs. New Booty? - Nothing. I mean, I guess that was pretty cool, but I was actually hoping you'd teach us how to
make balloon animals. - I thought you may say
that, so we've got it. All right, so you stretch out the balloon. It's also nice if you are a clown to have a shtick while you're doing this. I haven't thought of one
yet. It's just nice to have. Okay. - All right, this might
be as far as we get. - No, no no no no. They've provided me with a classy pump. Oops! (laughs) Oh no. So you... (crew laughing) (anchors speaking over each other) No no no, this is gonna work. (pump pumping) - Oh!
- There you go. - You got to go real fast!
- There you go. - You got to go a lot faster
than you think, 'cause you... (Amy laughing) - Oh, it's maxed out.
- It's maxed out. - I guess that's how they work. Okay, faster, faster! Yeah, and you've got to
leave some air in the end. Okay, okay, so then you tie it up. Who wants an animal? - Whoa, oh my god, that was incredible. Can you make a pig, please?
- Yes, so you start- - No, I want her to make
the concept of ennui. - Ooh, I'll make a pig
that's full of ennui. Okay, so you twist, you twist. (laughs) And it'll stay. Okay, so you just make it stay like that, and then, okay, so this is the pig, and then you have his
body, and then you have- - Very dick and balls.
- Yeah. - And then you have another leg, and you have to twist them together so it doesn't fall apart, so
now you've got... (laughs) Yeah, you've got a little Porky Pig, and then he's sad 'cause he's got ennui. - Oh wow!
- I think I know two moves. So then you just make his tears, and that's it, and there. - Thanks, Giggles. I love
that crazy son of a bitch. - Me too. Wait, I'm
receiving breaking news. A robbery on Santa Monica Pier. Our correspondent is live on the scene. - Chip Mint Chocolate
Chip here at the pier where the robberies
occurred just moments ago. - Chip, could you tell us
what the suspect looked like? - Oh, I can do more than tell you. I can show you. I can do a caricature. All right, so... (marker scratching) - It's a fish. - What the...
- Oh. - This is eyes.
- Oh. Damn, that was nicer than I expected. - Pretty impressive.
- Oh my god. Oh, he's happy.
- He looks very happy, yeah. - He was a very happy man.
- Oh. (marker scratching) - It's like-
- Caricatures do have the big-ass heads and little-ass bodies. - Oh yeah. - I also feel like caricatures are usually a little more mean. Not this one, though. I don't have that ability as an artist. - No discerning features at all. - If you see this person, alert
the authorities immediately. Mrs. New Booty, is everything okay? - Yeah, no, I guess. I was just hoping I would
get a caricature, too. - Wow, you are really needy today. - Hey, back off. - How about this? I'll
draw you both, together. - Great, make mine on the body
of a beautiful lady, please. - And make mine full of ennui. - All right. - Remember the tears.
- Big... - To show ennui.
- Beautiful woman. - This is the body or the head? - This is the body. - Got hands as big as those titties. - Mm-hm.
- Beautiful hair. - [Alfred] Okay, a little
generous with the hair there. - It's a little more square.
- All right, I'll take it. - Okay, I see it, okay, I see it. - Now. - Okay, I have the same hair as Alfred. - Got a little bun, a little bun. - It looks like a Davy Crockett hat. - Yeah. - Your eyes are full of sadness. (Amy snorts) - Made my eyes really
small, kind of racist. - They're sadness!
(Amy laughing) - The classic smirk and cry right there. - The hourglass curve of your body. - Wow.
- Wow. - Bingo bango, jingo jango.
- Your catchphrase! - That's it for us on "Breaking
News", but before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's
loser is Amy Vorpahl. - As punishment, Amy Vorpahn,
conveniently already there, will have to make a balloon animal of a fictional character
that makes them horny. - Okay, that is gonna be Tepig the pig pokemon full of ennui, there. (laughs)
