David Spade: My Fake Problems - Die Ganze Show | Comedy Legends | Comedy Central Deutschland

[Applause] [Music] thank you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thanks guys you guys know One Direction give a round of applause it's Liam that's uh Ike it's Harry Styles welcome the old Fonda theater underline old come on now it's nice it's a nice neighborhood coming down here you have some fun driving down here you know in your nav says if you get to gang bang street it's too far but if you're at carjack you're close [Applause] I saw homeless guy out front and uh he was talking I'm not even making fun of homeless people they're great they're not great they're okay but maybe they're like in the middle but I don't want to [ __ ] hype them up but they're all right but I was walking from the parking lot he's walking with me David Spade you know they get a little too tight with you like I kind of want to go scoot but it's too rude he's like David speak walking along look at this guy from TV David Spain you know three blocks then he finally goes David Spade give me some money and I go you know what it turns into a casual robbery you're not really allowed to say no I go any cops in okay well there's 10 bucks that's pretty good I know you got more than that where are the police people are just walking by and like stop me when you feel and he goes uh you show us on too many reruns man I go you have a TV in that box just said you live in a box you have a TV he goes get on Game of Thrones man I go you have HBO in there let's go upstairs nice you get it you know what's happening I like people are in shorts there's always someone in short what are you saving the pants for Louie CK honestly it's like I have shorts on today I'm going to Spade tonight should I change no save them for when the next Hunger Games comes out let's wear them to a movie where are the pants I used to live down in this crummy neighborhood I my first apartment was a loft you know that is where they have the bed sticking out of the wall and you have to get up there with a ladder and it sucks because the landlord goes nah it's a little rickety it's not too sturdy I don't want more than 500 pounds up there I go trust me I don't want more than 500 pounds a day there is with me with me short Skies foreign I feel good I took an ambient Monday I woke up about two hours ago you're an ambient you look like a drug dealer ma'am you know what ambient is stumble here from one of the clubs empty your purse I I took an ambulance and it's a reason it's a prescription because I woke up the way I went to bed and this never happens like the exact weird way like this and then 15 hours later I'm like I'm like that's what sleeping is what the [ __ ] have I been doing all my life you know you're not supposed to get up six times and eat string cheese and pee play Angry Birds and email people my friends are like did you email me at 2 41 am I go you know what happened that was at seven but I think it gets stuck in the iCloud sometimes you know with the transmission there's some bugs I'm not sold I'm not sold on the iCloud I hurt my uh Knack I I'm on a Vicodin right now I will admit that yeah it's not even my fault it's because I got a tooth pulled in June and so I have to be you know what I mean it's like mandatory I will say that 50th refill is a tough sell I was at my doctor and I'm like I don't feel pain and now that feels weird I have a friend that's a Pill Popper I actually have four I have four friends that they only want pills all the time so funny you have a guy like this whenever I take any pill he goes dude give me one okay you don't even know what it is he goes dude I'm married come on come on what does that mean I got this is for sinus infection it causes dizziness and cramps he goes dude I got I just want to feel different so I give him one and see him later he's cramped over he's like she doesn't care he's happy I hurt my neck uh in high school and this is why sometimes if you see me on um Ellen or something I'm sitting kind of funny or I sit on my knees I just cannot sit in a couch it kills me I was in high school on a talent show when I was a kid you know like I was a senior senioritis and I did this talent show and I did a dance number to Macho Man and at the end of the dance number I would do a backflip a standing back flip I could do it because I was in gymnastics and there's a few red flags in the story but we're not gonna focus on that we're just gonna sort of skim over the top so I'm backstage at the show at the talent show and it was held like in a place like this in the cafetorium where we had our major [ __ ] you know at the school and my buddy wasn't as karategee also in Macho Man and I go hey spot me during my backflip because I'm gonna practice and then I go you know what don't spot me I have to do it an hour so his job is nothing just watch the disaster unfold so I go like this and I'm supposed to land like this but I came out of my tuck lingo a little early and I miss my feet so I went oof all on my face so I bounce up on my oh I'm squirting blood black paint from the stage and I get up the guy goes you okay I go not at all and I walk away one knee black out I lose my memory for a solid hour like hardcore Amnesia and they get like you know by the way when you're a kid and you get hurt in my family there's sort of an Unwritten Rule and unspoken you don't say anything like you're not allowed to get hurt you know I mean I don't know if we had insurance we didn't but around our house don't get hurt policy unless it's from the parents you know what I mean because there was sort of a you're fine you know situation like anything you're fine I go my side feels like you're fine I go oh but the bone is sticking out you're fine little Bactine vaccine was literally air and the parents were like shoo we took care of that I'm like still a little painful because the bone so I knew that so I'm like going out going oh no I'm this is uncool and then they brought my mom back and a doctor from the house and the doctor goes he's a bit Shook Up and I go is that all you have are you from Gunsmoke you're not saying anything this isn't a term I have a category 200 concussion I have amnesia dude all right if I was in the NFL right now they would stop the game and Chopper me out of there it would literally be all the other they're on their knees like this you know the whole team and then even the other team is like faking it like oh man are you okay who cares I'm gonna rest so the doctor's like nice bit rattled yeah he got his bell wrong these aren't things all right these are medical terms and then he goes you better take him right to the emergency room my mom's like Oh my god of course so she goes Davey do you want to go to the hospital or Pizza Hut God Pizza Hut they had asteroids never went to the hospital never got looked at jaw and then if you ever see me on like Letterman and I got puka shell necklace it's all Percocet I'm like oh you don't know when you're a kid if your family has any money because everything's fun when you're a kid like you don't you're told later you know like I guess we were bro I didn't know everything's you know you play with rocks whatever I knew I was broke because I had a rock collection I look back rocks are free I didn't really you know put that together mom's like you should collect bottle caps it wasn't gold bars you know what I mean if you're a kid and you don't know if you have money like you don't even talk about it but we were poor and I didn't know and one time in fourth grade this kid busted this [ __ ] wide open he just walks up I'm gonna playground just chilling like over by the fence you know there's a kickball and I'm literally minding my own biz and this kid comes over he goes hey I heard your family's poor I'm like by the way news to me and I go uh I think you've got some bad information by the way P.S what a dick you know because all the chicks are starting like like not really the panty dropper you want it to be even in third grade like I go uh no we're doing fine even though I don't know so the guy goes yeah it's just the word around campus you're poor and I go oh then I start defending myself uh what do we have two tires on our lawn if we were poor yes I go no no you don't get it we have a car with the four tires and then we have two extra on the wall he's yeah you're broke I go would I wear the same thing every day I'm just hearing myself saying it going if I was poor and I remember my mom going wear that again tomorrow you look great in it like such a scam I had the high ones in one more yeah Bamboozled by my own mom even crayons at school like in third grade I remember having that little ghetto four pack you get an IHOP like she swiped them here's your crayons for the year these four from Cocos yeah these look like the ones we had yesterday they're very similar so I bring them to school like I'm King [ __ ] and I'm over there and this girl next to me is cute and the guy behind me is Rich I guess for then and uh he had the big box of Crayolas like 64 like the mega pack can't get any more in there crammed in I've got my little four and I'm like and then this chick goes hey uh can I borrow a crayon I'm like why sure she goes do you have burnt sienna and I go let me check got brown blue red and the guy's like I have burnt sienna here you go up let me sharpen it on the box like a prick he's like here you go [Music] I know why you know if you do blue and black together it's sort of a brush say I'm good barrette I saw the 99 cent store on the way in here I almost went in because my Show's not on right now I was gonna check it out and then I held out a mile later 98 Cent Store yeah bring it home not to be a snob I just don't know what's in those stores because I don't know what cost that much you know what I mean because I got one of their thumb tacks and yarn what meanwhile it's a full store full everything and the only thing I thought was weird was um the home pregnancy test this for the girl in the regular Pharmacy going you know I want to find out if I'm pregnant but I'm not spending more than a buck to find out I'll just wait this will sort of figure itself out you know when you're crossing the street out here in La you have the right of way when you cross the street the cars have to stop it's always weird because it's sort of a Power Trip you know no one uses a crosswalk everyone's like this hey that was a great lunch maybe later on when I cross I give the courtesy fake jog they're like just walk sir you're actually going slower I don't like people have too much safety in the protection right away This Woman's pushing her baby in the stroller but she's texting and she's sort of poking the kid out like a stick you know see what's happening out there and I'm pulling up and I know I'm supposed to stop but I'm texting too you know what I mean that too that's the idea it's just not a perfect science you know it usually works out and sometimes I go over that full sentence literally am I in a car let's go to the movie am I on the street scary there's times when it's real Touch and Go people go you're on TV or movies it looks easy is it easy to act yes I mean yes obviously obviously people can do it it's not like other things this might be the easiest because you always hear about people doing it and doing well I mean the Oscars this is the hardest thing you can do in acting the best of the best award of all actors right Jody Foster when I was growing up five years old she won an Oscar right her first movie Gabrielle sivide when she is she wasn't precious never done a movie up for an Oscar last year beast of the Southern Wild five-year-old girl first movie up for an Oscar Jennifer Hudson American Idol on American Idol she can't win in the field she has trained her whole life for singing Waltz is over to acting wins an Oscar her first track what's wrong with this it's like me hey I want to play the NBA oh you can't do that that doesn't look that hard I'm the MVP the first year you're better than LeBron I guess they just put it in the hoop it didn't seem hard yet embarrassing it's embarrassing for all of sack I was a little unnerved the other day because my phone died and I didn't have my phone for a day it was nice no emails no stress no texting relaxing I'm kidding I hated it it was so horrible I freaked out I couldn't survive I was having a panic attack and it wasn't even it was two hours it wasn't a day just long enough as I could get to the store but Meanwhile by the way I'm driving and I'm like I don't think I even know how to drive without texting I'm like what do I do like just drive and look at [ __ ] oh my God there's trees on my street it's so weird I had a Blackberry which sucks you know doesn't mean just like The Flintstones I liked it but you just gotta move on look at the iPhone you know and it's the part I didn't know is it tries to finish your sentences you know this where it's like jumps ahead a little bit and I was with a girl and it went a little sideways on me and so the next day I said uh hey sorry for my bad form and it said sorry for my tiny wiener I thought you're on my team like but then the guy said I take so many of these pictures you're like that it learns it's not their fault I get it by the way when you're taking these pictures be careful guys because unless you're Chris Brown and you have this huge hog I like when Chris Brown's pictures get leaked out to the media oh my God I'm so bummed out my huge donkey dick is out on the internet like really are you really Sweating Bullets Over this one of the picture that was obviously your 15th selfie dudes cheers one of just the balls no maybe the whole thing it's like oh my God someone broke into my laptop and then they're on the internet really by the way dude how hard is that I can't even get in my own laptop half the time you know it's like password what's my password it's so funny I'm supposed to believe someone stole your laptop from the airport ran home cracked the code found your wiener pictures and then send it to your 10 favorite websites and you put out a press release and a half hour really like oh my God please don't look at my dick pics here's the link it's linked because if you could get those pictures leaked you know then you'd see some scrambling in Hollywood shut down the internet the whole internet huh let's figure this out let me think and if girls ever gift you with a dirty picture don't ignore it that's such a mistake answer quickly you don't wait nine hours then you get another text from her hey uh by any chance did you get that picture of my [ __ ] ah oh yeah no I did that was cool you did do that um we were eating oh yeah no great send some more now no no more or if you get a girl at dinner you know she's kind of a run-around Sue as my mom said if you go hey send me a picture and she's like um okay and then you get like some stock footage of her Beaver from August you know you're like this is you right now are you a Cheesecake Factory she's like no I'm in the bath there's a lot of candles oh it's like sort of a messy now I date these girls and this is the biggest thing I get I never date really good looking guys I've always gone out with guys like you I go and they don't stop no no what I mean is everybody likes Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt and those type of guys I've always gone out with guys like you I go I get it I don't see the [ __ ] compliment anywhere in the vicinity I don't like guys with really big wieners I don't it hurts it's sore I think about it all week I tell my friends I can't sleep it's always on my mind I like yours I can relax I don't feel a thing I can sort of figure out my week in my head I can text people it never crosses my mind again I never tell anyone about it I forget about it until the next time we have sex I go well that's cool that's that's good that's good quality by the way you're a girl and you have sex with a guy don't ever go you don't want a big dick I've had that unprovoked hey wait I ask you [ __ ] all right you don't [ __ ] that yours is bye it's like slow motion fine who wants fine guys like you know what it does a job when you're a swimmer you touch the wall and come back that's enough that's all you need why do you need more I go because it's great don't drink and drive folks that's the big message tonight there's a there's a DUI lawyer commercial I don't work in a date if my Show's not on home all day first of all every ad is geared toward the fact that you are a loser at home in search of a career I didn't know that like every ad is are you at home right now hang around hungover weed on the table you want to change all that I think maybe I could go to DeVry they say it's not too late it's DUI lawyer like it must be so rampant they have a commercial he's got the fake jailbars and he goes I'm the best goddamn DUI lawyer out there you call me before it's too late I'm like yeah wait I don't get I call you before I get it it's like an awkward call hey what's up it's noon uh I just I'm going out later I didn't even drink but I realize I'm going to jail they have checkpoints checkpoints are bad when you're drunk I mean one time I drank and drove and drive one time and it was a mistake but I was horrified because I was in traffic at 3am on Sunset which usually doesn't happen so I'm almost home like ah and then it's traffic and I'm always selfish in traffic I'm like there better be an accident up here there better be a pile of dead bodies what's happening this is slow and the gross feeling when you realize you're in a DUI checkpoint I go what are the like oh [ __ ] is this checkpoint no no I can't be here hey I'm drunk I'm the last bird back it up back it up I'm boxed in go go go hey if we work together as a team we can get me out of here to safety come on no one's helping me and then I do the U-turn oh you know what you turn this assigned confession you know no cops believe you're like it's chilly maybe I'll get my windbreaker I'm so old when I grew up we didn't have DUIs this is when America was great can you imagine not worrying about it at all oh this is music to my dad because he was a super drunk you know what I mean we would come home from dinner and he's like there we go [Music] he's hitting dogs and mailboxes like anything in his way and then and it's a different conversation cop walks up hey did you know oh my God I didn't know you were [ __ ] faced I'm sorry my dad's like yeah beat it Mom you know I thought you're having a seizure you're just hitting so many things he's like I know all right get lost and he goes listen maybe if you just took one beer out of one of your hands it would just help and he goes oh 200 consumers yeah and he goes no no I'm just brainstorming and throwing and Meanwhile we're in the back like Garfield on the window a little helmet on um I was in Vegas recently I know a lot of people drive out to Vegas it's nice it's a nice 12 hour ride yeah everyone says it's like three hours ago it's never been they go if you go and there's no traffic I go well who's going on Christmas Eve like any other time oh yeah then it's really bad yeah I go to Vegas I saw a lot of shows I saw a stomp have you heard of this one with the garbage cans I don't give it all away but if you get a chance I went to the Tropicana it's getting a little ghetto over there I went there in the summer the pool hanging out you know it's sort of a buzz kill when somebody poops in the pool that's a tough one pooped in the pool everyone freaked out I went to the other end I want to deal with it it's gross everyone's screaming it was like breaking up I was like um I think I'll go this way thank you I almost got out you know because I'm a germaphobe I went skiing last year and I'm probably gonna go again I'm never any good I ski uh I snow plow I ski like I'm constantly looking for a contact lens you know what I mean I'm like this average I always want to go on the green runs the easy ones you know so I tell my friends but they're all in a group and they want to go down together but I try to talk them in I go guys I think everybody I feel like we should start on Pop Tart let's go down that and they go nope we're going down Devil's ball sack I go no no no no that one that one seems hard I tell you if we go down Mother Goose it sort of goes into peekaboo and then down to pillow town which feels tricky and challenging but not overwhelming and they go nope Hitler's abortion here we go two by two I go [Applause] guys up and I'm on my own and I got the skis and I'm trying to walk up like a one and chill I'm like these muscles I never used then you get a little crooked no no I want to go down try to go in the snack bar I have to pop those off it's even worse I've got the boots on because couscous I mean can we do something they have not changed this design in 50 years literally even on the moon they round them off a little bit this is two cinder blocks from my attic can we get Nike involved I'm like trying to get a drink I'm like ah ACL torn oh were you skiing no I was getting a Mr PIV oh it's bad I get hurt easy I'm a total Plus I had a hernia don't freak out everything's okay I know it sucks it's really super sexy to talk about girls like it was like now what happens first of all if you go to the doctor if you're a guy and you have to do anything to the doctor they always check out your wiener and it's a drag because if you're a dude you don't want it getting looked at because it never really shows well you know what I mean like an open house it's not good and especially if you're laying down you don't want that bird in a nest look that's unattractive so I'm always trying to go like get some fluffage going you know what I mean like I want to slap it around like three pages of Hustler nothing too crazy let's get a couple cc's of plasma down there I don't want a full rod that's the wrong message but I want to get because I just don't want the doctor to go hey perfect health except for that tiny [ __ ] all right so I don't know what to do because I know if it's a two-hour exam like it's coming out at some point and I can't hold anything for a little bit I don't it's so stressful so I don't know what to do there's just no plan and then I get in there and I'm freaking out right away he goes all right drop your pants to go hey oh man let's talk like I turn into a chick you know I give him that one relax and then I'm spinning I'm like and then I go oh my God who would bring a parakeet in here and he looks away and I go go go go now and he's like yeah that's not too bad that's just all day dude it's 24 7. excuse me over there banging a drawer some life because I went I went to the doctor after I did uh a movie and I was like the day I got home I go I feel so weird and sore and so I go to the doctor's office and he's got a nurse in there this is the other trick guys don't let that happen so he goes drop your pants they go hey beat it the first thing you do tell her to scram you know I go this ain't the Magic Mike show get out of here I don't need two witnesses so she leaves and I'm like and the guy's like you got a hernia here hernia here and he grabs my balls and goes wanna get some sushi later I'm like no I actually already ate and so he goes you got to go right in again operation I go so I go into an operation then they give you all these rules things you do in an operation don't do like normal ones like don't take aspirin don't do this and then it says no pets allowed in the or oh really oh sure you don't need my raccoon Randy it's a bit of a chewer he won't bother anyone who's bringing pets in you know some old ladies get our dog so I go in there and the anesthesiologist is putting me under and I go hey if I live I'll give you a good recommendation on Yelp so by the way I'm under for four hours it doesn't take that long and I have to shave you which is so horrible because you got those Ralph's lights in there you know it's just so bright and then you know they're like moving my wiener around with salad tongs so disgusting there's a couple guys from TMZ I'm going on I'm like wait a second yeah you guys who's not taking a picture you know they got like me and my dick like selfies dick no control four hours the operation is a half hour and the rest of it is I'm like partying around my wiener thank you and I wake up like I don't think I need a full Brazilian guys but thanks and I get up and I'm so out of it I'm like oh and the nurse goes we have to give you a catheter I don't know if you know what a catheter is if you get a chance grab one it's fun what it is is they take you know what slim jim is they jam it into your wiener for some reason I don't know what it does but they just start it doesn't fit by the way so they Ram it and they get two guys in Game of Thrones everyone's smashing it because it's so horribly painful and I go to the nurse hey [ __ ] I was asleep for four hours why don't you do it 30 seconds ago wake up wake up for the most painful thing you'll ever feel in your life I'm like where were you [ __ ] reading Us magazine for the last hour I'm out dude oh he's up okay hi then she goes don't you worry I go this is so gross I'll strap at your leg oh like I'm in Young Guns I'm like is that piss on your leg s the girls go I went to the gyno that's even worse I think that is worse you know for them for a girl it's weird it's very invasive and she goes oh they were training a guy last week that's so horrible I go are you sure they were training a guy you sure it wasn't the guy's buddy in from college for the week Steve throwing a lab coat you got to see what I do all day so this is so funny look at it dude like with the lights on or something isn't that funny it's not great get in there she doesn't care you don't care this guy is a doctor from Doctor place I went to the strip club then I'm just going to tell you this I'm only telling you about this strip club because if I talk about my ACT it's a write-off I went to this place I just want to get my 90 grand back no I went to this strip club it's called cheetahs or Cheetos no not Cheetos Cheetos and I Make It Rain you know me I'm like a rapper I don't give off [Applause] you These Guys these rappers they make it rain and they think they're so cool they're like singles you know they got the ones they got a hefty bag full of ones what is that 180 it's not that big a deal but they're like instagramming like on the way to the club so I've realized it's sort of embarrassing for the girls because it's a little undignified now the strippers they get a lot of money it's raining obviously on them but they've got you know you can only hold x amount of dollars in your hand like this you know they're always like all right and then there's like how I'm gonna be in the little strap there and then the rest is on the ground so at the end of the song it's all sexy then it gets it weird when they gotta get down and he's like Melissa give me a SEC great and they got a dust buzzer [Music] I feel weird when I go because they're naked so fast I don't know what to do you grow up you date girls and you're like ah and weeks go by the clothes come off this is 15 seconds fully nude and it just jars you you're either one way you're either the awkward guy which I am where I go whoa birthday suit that's what they call it yeah you know these are my friends no we're just chilling it's all cool it's all good in the hood yeah yeah no we're just partying that's where babies come from you know they don't like that or you're the quiet psycho [Music] nice step away not all models in the old strip clubs either no some rough trade running around oh some dinged up [ __ ] yeah not everyone's getting laid either unless you're the one guy with a kilo of Coke and a babysitter it's not happening honestly um this girl comes up to me she goes you want to dance I go table dance what's up I play dumb you know it's so smart I go what's up and she goes well DJ plays a song I strip off all my clothes end of the song give me 20 bucks I go I mean that feels like a lot it's just right now there's a recession okay I'll do it she doesn't invite on it so I go right and she's like and the guy's like this love is taking its toes you say goodbye too many times I have no choice and I don't sing it I know what's going on that's the the song came unplugged they didn't she's like I go no it was electrical storm maybe an earthquake oh my God is that how they get you they don't play the whole oh my god oh that's good oh you got me you got me [ __ ] you did it you got another guy stupid it worked hey you tricked me good job there's your 20 go high five all your stripper Buddies cheers you want another dance I go yeah I'll take one more pathetic done [Applause] damn it one more This Is Why I'm Broke actually here's one trick you can do when I was doing Tommy Boy in Toronto Chris would we go this you can do to your friends he would go to the strip club and he'd find me the roughest rattiest grossest stripper and he'd buy me 10 table dances in a row from her and it's so horrible because there's nothing you can do you have to ride it out it's too mean so I'm stuck with this pops out of the back how's that going 10 ounces that's a real good guy yeah I tell you what I don't give too many dances no more I'm in a bit of a forced retirement I got my bomb lag that's mostly because of snow oh I'll feel this one tomorrow I should have stretched I need to keep that prednisone in my system oh real nice yeah courtesy of your buddy I got the flu a little bit you can't catch it it's the first day hey let's do this I want to dig my heels into the Shag I want to make sure I get my Beaver up there in your grill really good my kid loves Joe Dirt oh how old is he he's 47. holy [ __ ] that's higher than I thought you'd say hey you guys thanks for coming out I'll see ya next time bye-bye [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Deutschland

Views: 742,534

Keywords: comedy central germany, comedy central deutschland, comedy central online, comedy central, comedy central deutsch, comedy central stand up, comedy central stand up comedians, comedy central stand up full show, deutsche stand up comedy, stand up comedy, stand up comedy central, stand up deutsch, deutsche comedy, standup comedy deutsch, comedy, yt:cc=on, stand up, david spade, david spade stand up, david spade my, david spade my fake problems, full show, ganze show, standup, lol

Id: 0stdQA4vVlM

Length: 41min 27sec (2487 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 03 2023