Dave Chappelles About Harvey Weistein

I'm serious it's one time racism saved my life man I was I was on a plane I I was coming I was coming from overseas and uh I don't know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up man he said everybody get on the [ __ ] ground nobody look at my face I started freaking out cuz he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like that [Applause] was screaming and crying I was the only brother on the plane well I thought I was the only brother I looked over there was one other black dude he was from Nigeria I looked over at him he was looking right in my face man he didn't say two words to me he just looked at me he was [Music] like he didn't need to talk I knew just we was talkinging about I look right back at him I was like some white dudes on the front of the plane seen us they were like oh my God I think those black guys are going to try to save us uh- we were just communicating that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing well we understood was simple terrorists don't take black hostages that's the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and [ __ ] i' like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and big Steve and T Newport you're not going to see it terrorists are smart they a know what they're doing there you know they terrorists they know black people's bad bargaining chips they called the White House hello we have got five black hello it's really some scary [ __ ] I got to tell you Harvey W you got to make life interesting like that cuz the [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think you going to live for you ain't but not going to live forever it's dangerous out here we know what's going on I travel now you know I used to think DC had the roughest ghettos in the country nah [ __ ] I have seen some [ __ ] now oh there's some rough rough areas outside of DC yeah everybody should go to the ghetto I was taken to the ghetto one time that's the worst when you get taken you're not expecting to go usually you want to know when you're going to ghetto like I'm going to see some wild [ __ ] I got to prepare myself going to something crazy when you're taking it's different I had a limousine driver it was after a show it was late ton night it was like 3: in the morning had a limousine drive he was a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh hey where you from dog DC word that's a rough City man and the cell phone started ringing hold on one second hello oh what's up [ __ ] what what the [ __ ] sto that what what the [ __ ] no no no [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] it I'm on my way hey I got to make a stop real quick at 3:00 in the morning I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first I start looking out the window I was like what the [ __ ] gun store gun store liquor store Gun Store where the [ __ ] you taking me this don't look good he didn't say [ __ ] just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project now I never been there before I'm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project a [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then and then another one jumped out a tree and [ __ ] the dri said I'll be right back and left me took the keys with him and just left me at 3:00 in the morning in front of a project in a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I got to look around and see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where I'm at might have to escape on foot now this is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it's 3:00 in the morning it's 3:00 in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on the corner and the baby the baby didn't even look scared he was just standing there I mean it made me sad it made me sad really you know I mean cuz I wanted to help the baby I was like M I don't trust you either I'm sorry click click the old baby on the corner trick he not going to fall for that [ __ ] where is this nine driver you know I st feeling bad as time goes by I start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong I scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I got to do something but I wasn't going to get out the car I'm serious man I just cracked the window a little bit there's a old limousine I can roll it [Applause] down hey baby baby go home man it's 3:00 in the morning what the [ __ ] you doing that the baby said I'm selling weed [ __ ] I said oh sh I wasn't expecting that I'm S I had to buy two bags from the call my get two let get two F got back in the car and rolled me a joint man that [ __ ] was scary man every once in a while like a crackhead would come up to the car and look in the window was like Jurassic parking should he be looking on the car hey get out of here crackie that baby was still standing there man then I start feeling bad again yeah weed make you feel guilty sometimes man what is wrong with me man I have just bought weed from a from an infant I can't condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I can't let the fear ruin my morals got to do something hey baby stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said [ __ ] you [ __ ] I got kids to feed I said God damn D and just at that very moment one of the crackheads running across the street and got hit by a car I know it was a hidden run the police did it that's all right they springing some crack on him and got back up I almost protested the war in the beginning almost till I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks I said [ __ ] that if they do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces I don't want to hear that [ __ ] Yeah man they would but I'm like for real why why you care so much what the Dixie Chicks say they not like they political scientists or nothing they just [ __ ] that can sing good you know what I mean stop worshiping celebrities so much just don't just don't pay attention I remember right around September 11th uh J Rule was on MTV that's what they say we got JW rule on the phone let's see what JW's thought are on this tragedy who gives a [ __ ] with J Ru thanks at a time like this [ __ ] this is ridiculous I don't want to dance I'm scared to death I want some answers that J Ru might not have right now you think when bad [ __ ] happens to me I be in the crib like oh my God this is terrible could somebody please find y' rule get hold of this [ __ ] so I can make sense of all this where is j I me y r yeah I've been seen that kind of [ __ ] man it's what it is they use the TV to program us from a young age you ever watch like a cartoon that you used to watch me a little as an adult [ __ ] is is wild [ __ ] some wild [ __ ] I mean like I was with my nephew we sitting there we watching peepy the Pew I said to my nephew I said now pay attention to this guy cuz he's funny I used to watch him when I was little and we watched a peul Pew and I'm old now I'm looking like good God kind of [ __ ] rapist is this guy like take it easy my nephew was sitting there cracking up see sometimes you got to take the [ __ ] like Peppe like no no no I had to turn the channel real quick I turn on on Sesame Street I said oh Sesame Street this is much better cuz now he'll learn how to count and spell but now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things it teaches kids how to judge people and label people that's right they got a character on there named Oscar and treat this guy like [ __ ] the entire show they judge him right in his face Oscar you are so mean isn't it kids yeah Oscar you're a grouch it's like [ __ ] I live in a [ __ ] trash can I'm the poest [ __ ] on Sesame Street nobody's helping me then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people get it together Grouch get a job Grouch so don't even tell me how to get to Sesame Street that's is a terrible place I wouldn't go there if I knew the way who would want to live in a neighborhood like that [ __ ] six foot pigeons walking around an elephant that's a junkie hyper yeah that's right Snuffy hi bird I'm sick I need some smack bird the Cookie Monster with his eyes popping out his head SC cookie cookie cookie like e kind of cookies are you talking about chocolate chips don't do that to people and then had the nerve to put a pimp on there they didn't come out and say he's a pimp but I know a pimp when I see one they called him the count had a cape and everything you didn't see pimping [ __ ] where is my money you've been late four times I've been counting how many times must I smack you before you act right one two two smacks that's what I'm waiting for cuz the T of this Michael Jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time there's war is going out of control or the economy gets bad or something is wrong with The World At Large it's always these moments in history that Michael Jackson will coincidentally jerk awful kid this is getting a ridiculous like are you planning this [ __ ] do you have meetings Michael thank you for coming as you know Michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there's been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us a lot of questions of course and well Michael there's no nice way to say this and all I know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we're going to need you to jerk off another child Mike I'm sorry sorry I am sorry but it would really help out or maybe he didn't who knows who knows that's the thing that's what I wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows Mike God and this little boy know that's that's about it it's about it only reason that I can even talk about this [ __ ] is because everybody's speculating they all think he did it and I don't think he did it I'm alone in this I don't think he did it I'm not gonna say I don't think he did it that's too strong let me just say I am reserving judgment until all the facts come out but so far from what I heard I mean the kids said he was dying of cancer he was in Make A Wish Foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break it's this kid is 10 years old he don't remember Thriller what the [ __ ] he want to meet Michael Jackson for honestly I remember Thriller and I just like kind of want to meet this [ __ ] like I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him I'll put it that way I'd have to already be free that's ridiculous it's like if I'm dying in two weeks and go oh mama oh get me in the room with chubby chuckle I wouldn't want to meet that [ __ ] my last two weeks why not Usher or somebody like this so then the kid claim he goes to Michael's house this is where it all gets crazy I don't like you know he does everything you'd expect at Michael's house they uh climb trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels the chef made cookies pies and cakes they was petting a monkey and the giraffe sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this childlike activity for some reason Mike pulled out some wine and some pills and sucked his kid dick folks it hurts me to say it and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good host God damn what else do you want what else do you want I'm lucky to get a glass of of grape drink at my friend's house I on road coas riding my dick sucked Mike must be confused like I brought you in my house I fed you I sucked your dick and this this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish not [Music] man thought you were dying in two weeks what happened to that [ __ ] I've been in court for a year and a half you get stronger every time I see you would that this is [ __ ] though I shouldn't even say as [ __ ] wouldn't be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through this case that the cure for cancer was Michael Jackson sucking your dick somehow like if Mike had powers like Green Mile and all the kids like please Mike suck got next never again he didn't appreciate it can we at least study your saliva please Mike oh my God but there's a more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that's been percolating and and it really is the crowd not you I'm talking about the crowd on the big stage it's too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country is turned into [ __ ] ass [ __ ] everything you said say upset somebody but [ __ ] are just taking it too far I don't know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender Community yo yeah these [ __ ] I mean I didn't realize how bad it was these [ __ ] I was really mad about that last Netflix special it's tough man I don't know what to do about it cuz cuz I like them always have never had a problem with them you know just [ __ ] around as a matter of fact I think I make fun of everybody and I mean as a group of people they have to admit it's kind of [ __ ] hilarious man I'm sorry Bros like I've never seen somebody in such a hilarious predicament not have a sense of humor about they're Bor born feeling like there's something other than their born as and that's that's kind of funny you know like it's funny if it's not happening to you I believe transgenders I don't understand them either but I know they mean what they say them [ __ ] cut their dicks off that's all the proof I need I've never seen somebody just throw their dick away don't need it I don't understand but I believe you and I support your decision [ __ ] I was doing a show I was in Portland Oregon and I was checked in a a hotel under the name Charles Edward cheese I came back to my room late at night and there was a a a note it was like a letter on my desk it was addressed to Mr cheats so obviously I'm going to assume that whoever wrote this letter must be an intimate friend of mine this is not some kind of name that a person would just guess but then I open the letter and it turns out I don't know this person at all it's a fan letter you know I'm not even used to the idea that I have fans but I'm grateful for it and uh I don't read those letters be nice if I did but realistically it's like what am I Santa Claus [ __ ] I don't have time for this got [ __ ] I want to do I'm trying to chill read all these dreams and wishes from strangers but then but I read it I'd already opened it so I just read the whole letter and you know what man whoever wrote this letter truly loves me I mean they were really [ __ ] nice in the letter and then they describ to me what it was like to come to the show how excited they were how much fun they were having and then they said that when I got to my jokes about transgenders that they were quote devastated cuz turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender now I'm going to be real for a second as a policy you got to understand I never feel bad about anything I say up here and I I would never admit this to you if I hadn't locked your phones up but it was the weirdest thing like when I read this letter the [ __ ] made me feel bad I didn't feel bad about what I said you understand I felt bad that I made somebody else feel bad to be honest I don't even know what I said that upset that person I have so many transgender jokes but I feel like I feel like it was probably this joke I'm about to tell you right now and it's not even that bad of a joke it's a true joke I mean it's not true but I I I had read in the paper that Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of Sports Illustrated and I know it's not politically correct to say these things so I just figured [ __ ] it I'll say it for everybody else yuck you know sometimes I just want to read some stats I don't know why you're going to cram some man [ __ ] in the middle of the sports page like this I just didn't think that was the place for it but I wasn't saying anything like CIT and Jen is a bad person I'm not mad at her for doing it not even mad at supposed to Illustrated if I'm mad at somebody I'm probably just mad at myself you understand it's deep down I know that I am not strong enough to not look at those pictures and I don't think I'm ready to see what she's trying to show me so Caitlyn God damn it if you go through with this thing [ __ ] you better go hard to go home I want you to go all the way Hustler style do you know what Hustler style means miss that means spread the [Applause] lips I hope she spreads her lips and there itty bitty dick inside ah the show is behind the [Applause] curtains I don't know what I said that upset that person you know I can remember when it all started it was when I was doing Chappelle Show when I was doing Chappelle Show I used to do the show and then on the weekends I do like concerts and [ __ ] like that so I'm doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife wife was obviously Asian you can see it in her face the husband this [ __ ] was mysterious to say the least couldn't quite p point where he was from caramel colored fell very nice hair but he could have been from anywhere Bangladesh Mexico I can't guess with a [ __ ] like this all I knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a [ __ ] I could see that in her face too no he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show I couldn't figure it out and then I realized at some point that she was pregnant and I was smoking on stage I said oh my God that's probably why she's mad so I started to put my cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake nonsmoker calls so I just kept smoking I thought to myself [ __ ] that baby will be fine relax and I tried to break the tension I just asked her that's all I said I go hey where are you guys from anyway and I could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescendingly she says I'm from California if you're asking my ethnicity I am Chinese and her husband was just cool about the [ __ ] he was like I'm Mexican bro I said well I'm sorry if I offended you by asking but you're a very beautiful couple and Miss there's no question that you're going to give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen [Applause] that's not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave immediately but she didn't just leave she had to take one last dig at me on the way out I will never buy one of your [ __ ] DVDs again Dave Chappelle I said ma'am with all due respect Chinese people don't buy [Applause] DVDs [Applause] and the crowd went crazy we've all laughing having a good time I didn't even think anything of it and then just three days later this lady sends a [ __ ] letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote racist huh and and I'm quoting her insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage I was like word [ __ ] I was if she had just done a little bit of research she would know that I myself am in an interracial marriage that's right in fact my wife is Asian too surprise [ __ ] I'll see you on Thanksgiving but my wife's not Chinese she's Filipino that's right that's right and our kids are Puerto Rican somehow so there you go

Channel: Comedy Is Here

Views: 23,537

Keywords: comedy is here, comedy special, bill burr, Comedy, Funny, standup, canada, comedian, joke, jokes, podcast, sketch, vancouver, dave chappelle, 604 Records, comedy podcast, sketch comedy, comedy here often, funny music, women in comedy, funny women, political comedy, stand up comedy, vancouver comedy, canadian comedy, musical comedy, canadian comedian, vancouver comedian, yumi nagashima, chad kroeger, stand up, yumi nagashima comedian

Id: YvpcwDaayzk

Length: 28min 6sec (1686 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 11 2024