Daughters Get Brutally Honest with Their Moms

well she used to take my phone when I was in Middle School and go through it so how often and in high school how often very often sometimes our closest relationships are the toughest ones we're about to impact the most defining relationship of Our Lives I'm kot Takahashi and today's episode of split decision is about mothers and daughters can mothers and daughters ever truly be friends let's see how close you really are are you ready everybody let's do this I feel responsible for your happiness make your split decisions in 3 2 [Music] 1 go ahead and turn around Rachel let's start with you you feel responsible for your mother's happiness we're very like connected to each other and I think um we've talked about like when she feels sad I feel sad when she's happy I'm happy artista you feel responsible for your daughter's happiness I do and I'm really happy you don't feel responsible for mine I just think that it's like my daughter is my total Sunshine like there's all she has to do is exist and it makes me happy and I don't know why that is now us for at the end here we say we're not we don't feel responsible or happiness I hope I have taught you everything you need to be responsible for your own happiness that's super important to me and if you're looking to me to help you feel better or expect that I should what are you going to do when I'm gone I don't I want you to focus on your own life I believe you are your own being I believe you you passed through me to be your own person and I want to facilitate that I feel like I do want to contribute to her happiness but and you do but us as her children shouldn't be the sole source CU you have to find it for she always taught us that you have to find it from within yourself so obviously I want to contribute to to your happiness not detract from that I'm I'm just not comfortable with the emotional part and and you know that when you and I get together and we talk about things we cry together it's very personal so but as far as her happiness no I do not feel responsible for Heather's happiness the goal in raising her was go live your life and I am here for everything I feel like they raised us to be really independent and to do what we want um and so I have respect but ultimately I'm going to do what I want it's my life not theirs if it comes down to just me doing something that feels authentically aligned with myself or like keeping my parents happy with how I'm living my life I'm almost always going to choose what I want to do I may not like all of her decisions it may just crush me but we did our job and I am so proud of that being the eldest daughter can be so annoying and stressful at times when my 10 sisters and five brothers drive me up the wall with their problems I usually have no one else to turn to thankfully I found that seeing a therapist has helped me work on setting the right boundaries I've actually found the perfect therapist for me through better help the sponsor of this video at just a click of a button better help connects you with a licensed therapist who is trained to give you helpful unbiased advice to get started all you have to do is visit betterhelp.com juile media to fill out a few questions and you'll be matched with a professional therapist usually within 48 Hours hey sis you forgot to mention to them that they can actually choose how they want to meet with them whether it's through a phone call video chat or through messaging if they're not in the mood to talk what are you doing here have you seen me homework let better help connect you to a therapist who can support you all from the comfort of your own home visit betterhelp.com juile Media or choose Jubilee media during sign up and enjoy special discount on your first month thank you to better help for supporting this channel I told you it was ad day yeah but I had to make sure that you got your lines right I'm just looking out for you sis thank you to better help for supporting this channel now get out of here all right all right jeez wait you forgot your lunch you have invaded my privacy make your split decisions in 3 2 1 [Music] all right go ahead and turn around I knew that mother say no but we got some privacy invasions up here on this side okay TAA so you felt like your mother has invaded your privacy well I know for sure that there's some some Snapchat pictures and memories that you've seen behind my back I put spyware on all my children's phones I sure did I sure did you know that that software that they're like do you think your boyfriend's cheating on you yeah I put it on all the phones I put it on all the internet um Connections in my home all the computers so you know like every website every single text every single picture every single call every single email so um daughters would you be okay with your mom looking at your emails and texts and snaps absolutely not absolutely not no I really don't like like that feeling in my body it's making me feel like my tummy is feeling weird it's just I don't know like location I'll take that just like for safety for sure text and stuff like that I don't know I just got to feel safe somewhere even when I'm writing in my journal I'm thinking about how oh after I die someone's going to read this one day and it freaks me out and like it makes me want to hold back and not say like my weirdest intrusive thoughts and so to imagine someone like having access to that without me giving that to them freaks me out well the question was asked when she was younger would you ever read my diary if if if you ever found it absolutely not I as a parent I feel it's my responsibility to give them that space I want them safe absolutely and there were you remember that time you were talking to somebody on I yes what happened when I was like six I was on MSN Messenger messaging some friends and a random person started messaging me and uh we started getting along and they said something like okay well I'll just I'll pick you up I have a green car we can go get some ice cream or something and you know my mom has taught me so much about stranger danger and also by this point I knew better but I went upstairs to go get changed and my whole family was waiting for me my brother had changed his name on MSN to like lure me into that situation to see how I'd react and I I was like I was just coming up to put my socks on to go play with the dogs I wasn't going and they're like we saw the messages so that I appreciated yeah and Izzy I want to know why are you standing on yes I knew you were going to come to me yeah I know I I was like making eye contact and I I saw her like too well she used to take my phone when I was in Middle School and go through it so how often and in high school how often very often see in my iPod Touch so I had to text people for my iPod touch and then not and delete and then delete them when I be talking to my boy say I would literally say oh sorry my mom's about to take about to look the it would happen pretty often when did she stop doing that maybe 17 17 I think so yeah you could tell me if I'm wrong I remember it being I feel like think that's appropriate I remember doing it here's the thing when you guys were really the first generation mhm to have cell phones we did not have cell phones and I was a mom blogger at when at the very beginning of when blogging started happening and digital world was really sort of coming alive and what were the what were the implications of it but I wasn't sure what she was taking in from the outside world and so every now and then maybe every six months or so every six weeks it was not it was not it felt like that because you were younger time was different thank you very much that's what it's there also I also stepped to this line because there was another thing that I think she was getting at just with the with the blogging is there's still a lot when you Google my name there's still a lot of information about me as a child online which what kind of information just articles that that she wrote which is fine but it's just it's now when you Google my name and I'm 24 there's there's LA Times articles about me is it not good information or like what one of them one of them was not one of them was not great it was it was basically saying that I was a when I was when I was very young I feel like context is really missing from all sorry sorry what exactly happen I my writing was about my perspective on parenting and sharing that experience and it was a really hard push and pull because it was my livelihood and it was also their lives and at some point you guys were I probably want to say by the time you reached Middle School I stopped doing it because I felt like the stories were no longer mine to tell like when they were younger and they're talking about a story about how all the balls are getting thrown up into the tree and I end up keep buying new basketballs and there like stories like that and there were also stories about I at that time was dating my now husband we've been together for almost 18 years my second husband and so it was a lot of conversation about what it's like to be dating as a mom and how are my kids dealing with this person in my life yeah exactly and but there was also at when she was really little I was dealing with a lot of different things you had a lot of you had some occupational therapy and you had physical therapy and it was a lot it was a lot for me and I needed the outlet for it so I wrote a lot of these stories but they were always very intentionally from the perspective of how much I love my children how I am trying so hard as a parent how I'm trying to help them be great kids and in one story she has this little sister her sister followed her around everywhere loved her loved her loved her and is he didn't want anything to do with her and it broke my heart cuz I'm a little sister so so I really connected with it and she had I just lost it and I feel so bad about it still to this day but I wrote a story called my daughter's a and it's not my fault and she was nine oh and I said I wasn't going to cry yeah I'm sorry you okay sweetie I know it was a long time ago it was a long time ago it was and it was very much I know it hurt me too and I go back and I look at it and by the way implication what you write online stays with you forever and um and I it was I recognized that was definitely the worst I can like feel the science in there it was the worst thing I ever but it also if you read it I was really good at clickbait titles so just know that that was the title but it was really about understanding and sympathizing a younger sister's View and the final thing of my story was Izzy was beginning to come around and that I noticed the end of one night like you still wor smiling and so the end note was you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her smile oh and um but it blew up no it just it's just something that that comes up when you like when you Google my name you might be able to find it and honestly we didn't in 2009 the internet was so different like I don't blame her at all obviously our relationship is much better now my relationship with my sister is much better I mean I was nine but it's just it's just funny because but it still follows you around like you're applying for jobs or you're doing things and your we can't hire her she was a when she was nine she was a when she was nine but maybe they don't see the date oh January 1st 2009 and that was they're like oh that was 15 years ago and I don't I don't I don't resent her at all for that it's I just I don't I don't love that it's that it's still online when you Google my name I'm I'm sorry no it's okay there's nothing we allow are we allowed to leave this it's okay it's okay I find it hard to be 100% honest with you make your split decisions in 3 2 1 all right go ahead and turn around all right I am calling y'all out parents and kids are 100% honest I don't need to tell her everything all the time every thought that goes through my head but if I wanted to I could do you feel safe with me mostly actually are there things that you just don't feel comfortable sharing with your mom feel 100% safe sharing for whatever reason um um no I think I think I've like had to ease my parents into accepting me 100% for who I am and so they're going to hear about dates and they're going to hear hear that I like slept over at someone's house sometimes or last night I smoked weed in front of my mom which I don't know if I've ever done but it's just like yeah you're staying at my house and I smoke weed so I'm going to smoke uh but that feels like uh it's like we're just kind of inching towards 100% honesty with those kinds of things I came out to my parents about a year ago and I was really nervous about uh about their response but again I was like this is my life and you literally just got to deal with it or you're not going to be part of it and that's just that's just kind of how it goes but I am kind of like interested in my first girl and I'm curious how my mom will handle that if I end up dating this girl I didn't think you would handle that if she dated a girl well well if she dated a girl she dates a girl but um I I love the question I get from church people will you accept your kids if they ever come out will you still love them or will you disown them that's my that's my favorite word disown black people never think about owning people so bottom line is that's my baby I may disagree with her I may not Embrace everything that she does but I embrace and I love my daughter I came to terms with it and I have to continue to coming come to terms with it because it's it's step by step I'm not going to lie and say oh I'm fine with everything because that's what we're forced into in either or and I refuse to do that I am gray in a lot of areas when it comes to my children I want to discuss it more and more and more I may never come around 100% as long as she knows I'm still here for her 100% and again she is her own person she's independent makes her own decisions and you're okay okay with that uh if I had a magic wand uh I think I would take the embracing you know rather than I feel like it's a little bit like hate the sin Love The Sinner and it's like okay sorry I'm putting words in your mouth I'm sorry but that that's that's a little the energy I get but it's like like oh I'm not 100% cool with you being with a girl but I'll still love you through it knowing that you're not 100% backed up kind of sucks but also I am grateful that she's trying and she's come a long long way from when we were kids if I had come out 15 years ago this would be very different uh so yeah I'm good with it right now Heather your nectar profile says you are hypersexual oh my God wait what hey it's no big deal I'm that way too it's all good you and me you and me I'm it's good there are times I needed you but didn't want to bother you make your split decisions in 3 2 1 all right go ahead and turn around Rachel I'd love to start with you yeah um I I can't think of like a specific time I guess but I feel like you will do everything to come to my my rescue and and help me with whatever I need to do and and I know sometimes that like um even if it's like very difficult for you to do that but I know you have a lot you're dealing with in your own life in your own space and so I try to solve my problems on my own when I can um and then lean on you when when it's too much for me to kind of hold she's so strong like this woman is badass and she runs her own company she has all these like employees that she's bossing around and just like running the world so of course there's a lot of like like I want to be that too and I want to show you that I can be that too and oh I'm kidding emotion and but baby girl it's it's it's okay to be vulnerable and ask for help and all of that other stuff so um and in some ways it makes me feel sad if that's the if the role model if the interpretation of a strong woman role model is that then you can't be soft and vulnerable then we're doing something wrong wrong and so let's all please make a pack that just because we all have our strengths and we can all be these badass people we still get a pass at man having bad days and needing help from each other and calling so um and I think it's like me learning where my limit is and learning like okay maybe maybe I shouldn't wait to get to that limit to calling you and reaching out is it because you don't want to be a burden or you don't want to I think it's more like I I want to know that I can do it on my own and that I can solve it on my own um the burden part I don't think in that aspect like I don't think I feel like a burden to you as much um if there's anything related to a burden it's probably like I try to pay for my own things because I don't want to like I don't want you to have to hold the burden for paying for school for me or for car insurance or phone bills or stuff like she does pay for some stuff for me still and I am like so appreciative of that but I also tried to like kind of take on that Financial Independence on my own as early as I could as again like another kind of sign of respect for like what you have done to raise me um so yeah I definitely get to my limits and I'm still learning where those limits are for sure um and I'm always appreciative when you're there to help me through it so [Music] so cute Heather your mother is on yes do you know why I think I do yeah my mom is recently in therapy can I share that too late everybody know I could well okay but I on YouTube so it's out I am also in therapy and I think I think for years uh like once I started learning about myself I started to see the signs and my mom that like something wasn't right just growing up just something was a little off um with how we handled conflicts mostly and I just knew like there was something and I wanted her to go so badly to figure that out but um until she went I think she didn't know who to turn to she didn't want to put that on her kids uh so we didn't we didn't understand where it was coming from we just experienced the brunt of it and it was confusing but she has told us time and time again she doesn't want to bother us the the brunt of it uh uh we didn't hand handle conflict well we were a little explosive growing up and we're all getting better we've all worked on it it was loud when we were angry we got loud like uh the whole family and um yeah I've worked on it she's worked on it but it was just like okay this is coming from somewhere but no one really knew where and it was yeah it was confusing is that what you were standing on yes for oh yeah oh yeah and I still still don't cheer a lot but since she talked me into going to therapy it's been awesome to talk to someone that's completely unattached and because in in the black culture and I you know I'm speaking generally I don't know if everybody does it but most black families have a strong strong pecking order and who's at the top you don't mess with them you don't talk about them you don't call them names behind their backs you don't talk about your mom to your best friend you don't say that stuff and you certainly don't talk to your children about your parents of growing up you just don't do that so it's a strong uh tie on me in the Black Culture where you just do not do that and so she's talked me into going out and finding somebody to talk about talk to Izzy you do you know why your mother's on yes no I actually am very curious to hear this this is this is a shock you know this is the price I have to pay for not feeling responsible for her happiness and not wanting her to be responsible for my happiness so I'm standing here because there's no such thing as black and white and there's no right decision there's no wrong decision there's only consequences to your actions and this is the consequence is that if I share everything with you that's a lot to carry I love this woman I know y'all are similar I absolutely love that's right I think girl best friends after this I actually have a question because it sounds like some of you have been through divorces or the process in the process even better so this this has been something that was very difficult between my daughter and I again my daughter best friend love her she's so smart she was a witness to my marriage um so who better to help me through that and yet I felt that conflict of is this the right thing to talk about with my daughter do I burden her with this big decision about a divorce no knowing like we have these different relationships it's her father she loves her father she's my best friend I need her I know that her voice will bring me a lot of wisdom um and and I handled it in a certain way don't know if it was the right or the wrong way but I would be very interested to know how you guys go through that like do you bring your daughters into when you went through a divorce or when you're going through a divorce do you use them as counsel I lied to her at first actually that's what I lied to them about when I was leaving their dad oh yeah you lied to her I lied to my children um when I left my husband and I told them we were going to go on a vacation and visit their favorite cousins and that they we was going to be for the entire summer so they should pack all of their favorite things and then I left their dad and you took mys wow and I took my children and that was 2010 and we moved into a hotel how old were they ta it was pretty devastating for her too I think you were 10 or 11 you were gonna go yeah I think I was 10 right after fifth grade going into sixth grade right wow what was that like for you I think something in me new cuz I was I'm I'm like a little bit older but I still was like in a little bit of denial and I was like okay cool we're going to go hang out with my cousins for the summer we do that all the time like we always come up to LA and hang out with family um but when I realized that it had happened I was like dang like we not so some Su is about to end which means I'm going to have to make all new friends yikes and I'm like this tiny little brown girl with a gap at the time CU I didn't have braces wearing birken stocks and talking crazy like because I'm from Oregon and these people are going to make fun of me like oh this is going to be great and I think um it was devastating because I didn't know like when we were going to see my dad again were you close with him oh yeah besties besties besties and it it was also really confusing for me because my mom is like the type to like she'll never say anything bad about my dad like cuz they're also best friends they were you know what I mean and so I love that because I don't have to deal with like having to choose sides or like um feel like I'm hearing negative things about someone who I love and put on a pedestal just as much as her um but it was confusing for me because I was like okay so we left him for good so it seems I'm about to start sixth grade um but you have nothing bad to say about him at least to us so I was confused I was hurt I was scared to make all new friends but I knew that at the end of the day like I needed to stand by you and Empower you to be feel like you made the right decision cuz I also didn't want you to have to like regret putting you first it was a really bad relationship um my ex was a really really bad partner but an amazing father and so I had to give my children the space to love us both and then try to explain to little children that it was okay and that we both loved them but we couldn't love each other anymore it was a very unsafe place for me um that my daughter sometimes had to rescue me from and it was um pretty painful to decide I thought I was doing this to rescue you I was I my husband beat me very bad almost to death one time and the only thing that saved me was on Tea's cell phone she called 911 oh and that's when I knew I needed to make a change but I thought I was doing the right thing I wanted to give my children a two parent home I wanted them to grow up with their mom and their dad so when it was time to go I just didn't want to cause them any more pain so I called my cousin and she said come to La we'll figure it out and I packed up my babies and we stayed in a hotel for nine months and they thought it was the coolest thing ever like Sweet Life Zack and c and abely right around on the little trolley things who knew who knew you know [Laughter] but I didn't want to cause them any more pain and their dad is still a phenomenal person to them um we've moved through that about seven years later we learned he was actually diagnosed with schizophrenia and a lot of things started to make sense I'm definitely super honest with you now if you're going through that I say be honest with them at this age it's appropriate age it goes back to the other question as far as how much do you share you know I don't was that the question who knows what the I don't that was a long time ago but yeah yeah just not burdening her or the other kids with what my husband and I are going through and I want them to continue to love their dad I don't want anybody to pick sides that's not what it's about so my my movement was definitely make sure they continue to love their dad and their dad and I have decided we're going to move through this thing continue as a family and we have you have a bad habit that worries me in three two one [Music] okay go ahead and turn around I love that all the mothers are like yep some bad habits okay but let's start with the one daughter that is on yes I think you get really into diet culture and it's good most of the time I think I mean you're super healthy super fit but sometimes I I worry that it's you know not as good on your own like body positivity well even though I would love to get on OIC there's no doctor that would prescribe it so you are correct like I do I am always looking for the latest fan all right Heather you you move to yes by the way yeah she does have when I heard diet culture yeah okay yeah what I mean I get on you about this I feel like we just talk about bodies too much and like what's wrong here and all that and I would I would like you just to love yourself now you know not when something changes you have Define the way I see the world 3 2 1 okay go ahead and turn [Music] around you've shown me how much of a badass a woman can be in the world and how to hold yourself as that kind of amazing woman and that definitely for a young age like helped shape the way I approached the world and the way that um I tried to live my life and hold myself thank you for that baby I mean you made me a mother so it changed how I defined family and it changed how I understand love and that has changed everything about my life to live in a gray world like I do is to not allow anyone to Define your world but rather you let a lot of people Define your world because for you to Define your own world is completely selfish and so no you have not defined it you've expanded it feels like it would be a lot of pressure to be your like life definition I think uh and you've massively influenced my life I think that's impossible for you to be my mom and not have shaped me hugely but yeah I'm defined by my mom my dad my brothers all my friends my experiences my breakups all of that has defined me my dog she's not especially Rocky she's not getting thank you all so much unfortunately that is all we have time for so from the bottom of my heart and everyone watching right now thank you for your honesty your authenticity and your vulnerability today and I think a hug is in order can you please get together love is [Music] real thank you for watching this episode of Split Decision be sure to check out our next episode friends with benefits are these couples really just friends or is someone hiding their true feelings this one's sure to be super sexy check it out

Channel: Jubilee

Views: 639,037

Keywords: jubilee, jubilee media, jubilee project, middle ground, spectrum, odd man out, versus 1, embrace empathy, live deeper, love language, blind devotion, Odd One Out, Game Show, Dating Show, Nectar, Ask Me Anything, Gen Z, Millennial, loveprint, jason y lee

Id: qka4BrS7Mp8

Length: 30min 40sec (1840 seconds)

Published: Sun May 19 2024