♪♪ -Hey, everybody,
I'm in a hurry tonight. I'm going to go see
Amy Poehler and Tina Fey in The Restless Leg Tour
at the Beacon Theatre, so I'm going to try
to keep things moving. Very sweet --
I told them I wanted to go, and right away they sent me
the link to Ticketmaster, which I thought was cool.
[ Laughter ] Uh, one of you just sent
in two words. Those two words
were Rudy "Googly-ani." I knew what you wanted.
I made it for you. There you go. We're off.
[ Laughter ] Also I wore my Rudy eyes
last week. These are my Rudy eyes. I had my fake teeth in,
like, uh, like this. There you go,
and one of you said, uh, Rudy, we've established,
his bad lower teeth. So this would be that.
Okay. There you go. Someone also said
when it was like this It looked like a new character
called Rudy Powers. [ As Giuliani ]
"Do I make you horny? [ Laughter ] [ Indistinct ] [ Chuckles ] I'll tell you what
makes me horny -- if you told me
you were the daughter of my father's first cousin. [ Laughter ] Oh, behave!"
And there we go. I think that paid off. Also, somebody said
I looked like Sid the Sloth from "Ice Age." Didn't Google it.
You guys can do that for me. What the [bleep] is going on
with my Negroni now? [ Laughter ] The [bleep] is going on
with my Negroni now? So, this is real ice. Oh! It isn't! Oh, Ellen definitely
e-mailed me about that and it was too
confusing to follow. Alright. [ Laughter ] Guys, I'm in a rush here! [ Laughter ] Alright.
Windmills do not produce wind. They convert wind to energy. Same thing with puppy mills.
They don't make puppies. They just take puppies, do some stuff to it,
and the lights turn on. There we go. [ Laughter ] The dog in "Blue's Clues"
was a girl. In my defense, I never
watched the show "Blue's Clues." One, I was too old
when it came out, and, two,
I just don't believe a girl... could solve a puzzle. [ Laughter ] Their brains work differently. There's a science behind it. I can tell I'm losing the room,
but there's science! It's not She-lock Holmes. This better not cost me
my tenure! And we're off. Alright. Okay, Jimmy, I give you
permission to bring me a towel, buddy boy. Buddy boy, can't show up to Restless Leg
with a Negroni on my pants. There you are, my friend. There you are. Here we go. What's that?
Let's do a rehearsal? Seth don't need rehearsal!
Alright. [ Laughter ] Bazooka Joe comics
were not in Cracker Jacks boxes. They were in a brand of gum. The brand of gum
was called Bazooka Joe. Should have known it. Cracker Jacks had a comic strip of a character
named Cracker Jack. He was a hard-living Australian.
Oy! Oh, boy,
if I don't get the "oy." [ Australian accent ] "Oy! [ Chuckles ] Oy! Oy, I'm --
[ Laughs ] Oy, I'm Cracker Jack. And just like this box of
snacks, I'm a bit nuts." There you go. Alright. Uh, March 30th is when the World
Curling Championships start. I'm betting that was sent in
by a Canadian jackal. If it wasn't,
I will cut off my own [bleep]. Here we are. People said my Joe Biden
is starting to sound like Jennifer Coolidge.
That's insane. My Joe Biden doesn't sound
anything like Jennifer Coolidge. Here. I'll do it real quick. [ As Biden ] "Hey, let me tell
you something. This is Putin -- This Putin, he's a bad guy.
He's a bad guy. He's a tough customer,
but he's not the toughest customer
we're facing. Let me tell you that much. Toughest thing
we're facing right now is these evil gays
who were trying to kill me." [ Laughter ] There is no platinum level
at Sephora. There's Beauty Insider,
VIB and Rouge. I was shocked because
Baze wrote that joke, and nobody at our show
is at Sephora more than Baze. [ Laughter ] It's an addiction.
It's a problem. Every [bleep] week he pretends like he's got
some medical ailment. He's like, "Oh,
I got to go see my doctor." Next thing you know,
comes back with two heavy bags full of moisturizer. Always coming and saying, "Hey,
boss, can I get an advance? There's a sale
on Dewy Skin Cream." Of course, he doesn't
say it like that. It's Baze. He says it like this -- [ Snarls ] [ Laughter ] We had a mobster say they were putting somebody
in cement shoes. We should have said
concrete shoes. Cement is just like a powder. You got to put gravel
in it or sand. You got to mix it with water. Cement shoes wouldn't
achieve the same thing the concrete shoes have. I mean, better I make
the mistake than some mobster
who's trying to off a guy, and then he goes
and tells his boss, he's like, "You don't have to worry
about Angelo anymore. We put him
in a pair of cement shoes." And then the boss is like, "I
hope you mean concrete shoes." He's like, "Oh,
I don't follow, boss." He's like, "Well, cement,
that's just a powder. It's not going to be
heavy enough to put him to the bottom
of the East River." And he's like, "Oh,
that explains something, boss, because I definitely saw
somebody who looked like Angelo get out of the water
right afterwards. You know, he's a little bit
wetter than the Angelo we throwed it,
but, uh, he definitely yelled something on his way
out." "What'd he yell?" "He was like, 'You tell Tony
I'm gonna have his life!' Oh, yeah.
That was definitely Angelo." Little thrown by the Negroni. [ Laughter ] I think some of this stuff
would have played hotter if I was a little bit
less thrown. Alright.
[ Babbles ] Um, I said, uh,
Joe Biden said he was trying to connect
to Black voters, and I said -- uh, the joke
was in the monologue, if you're trying to connect to Black voters,
get out of Delaware. Guess what -- Delaware,
one of the top 10 highest Black populations
in the United States. So, to all our Black -- uh, people, uh, Black voters
who live in Delaware, I just wanna --
Stop waving your hands. What do you think
I'm going to say? [ Laughter ] Stop waving your hands. To the Black voters in Delaware,
I just want to say I'm sorry. What do you think
I'm going to...? [ Laughter ] Uh...
[ Babbling ] We made a Cosby joke last week. A lot of you said
that was inappropriate. I hear you loud and clear.
I'm not going to do it again. Also, it was a joke
about chamomile tea and I missed the chance to
pronounce it [as Cosby] chamomile! [ Laughter ] [ Vocalizing ] A lot of people said,
why didn't the Tom Gugliotta cardboard cutout
have googly eyes? That's a hat on a hat. [ Laughter ] Someone else said, "What is
the budget for cardboard cutouts on this show?"
About 80% of it. Had a joke about a guy
who thought he had the Guinness World Record for creating
the tallest structure ever made using matchsticks. He spent eight years
building an Eiffel Tower. Uh, and then he built it
and he showed it to Guinness and Guinness disqualified him
because the matches, you cannot buy them
commercially. What had happened was he was
buying them commercially and he was cutting the heads
off the matchsticks. And then he realized
that was taking so much time that was so arduous,
so he reached out to the matchstick company
and he said, "Hey, can you just sell them to me
before you put the heads on?" And the matchstick company
was like, "Sure, we'll do that." And then he built a, you know,
this Eiffel Tower. And Guinness said,
"No, we disqualify you." They had a change of heart.
Guinness had a change of heart because they realized
everything we do is made up and nobody gives a [bleep],
and so they said, "You know what? We are going to
give you the record." And he got the record.
And you know what? We made fun of the guy,
but I went and looked at the Eiffel Tower
and it's pretty amazing. You should look at a picture. If you want to know how high
the tallest thing ever made -- the tallest structure
ever made on matchsticks... Shoemaker, you want to guess
how tall it was? Want to guess? 2.5 feet. [ Laughter ] 23.5 feet. Come on, guys. [ Vocalizing ] Oh, I mentioned it's impossible
to play the bongos well. An Irish viewer sending a quote from renowned Irish piper
Séamus Ennis. Séamus Ennis was once asked what's the best way
to play the bongos? And he replied, "Simply
with a penknife." -[ Laughs ] -I guess I should have done
it with my Irish accent. Oh, you'd laugh if I did it
with an Irish accent. Also, somebody said
Ringo actually plays the bongos very well
on a number of Beatles songs, including but not limited to "You're Going to
Lose That Girl." Uh, then the same comment,
the person said, "But I don't expect this
to ever be mentioned because NBC would never pay
to license a Beatles song
for an Internet show they don't even know
they're paying for." Well, joke's on you. That is not one of
the most popular Beatles songs, so NBC did say, "We will
let you license that song." So here is Ringo playing bongos on "You're Going to
Lose That Girl." [ Bongos playing ]
-♪ You're going to ♪ ♪ Lose that girl ♪ ♪ If you keep playing
the bongos ♪ [ Laughter ] -You know, hearing it again,
I do think it's a sound-alike. I do think they made us
get a sound-alike. They probably don't
start on time. Tina -- I mean, why am I rushing
everything for Tina and Amy? And then I'm going
to get there and... I'm going to be like... [ Laughter ] Then I'd feel foolish. We had a joke about a couple
finding unrequited love letters in a vent in their house. Our joke was one of the lovers didn't know how
the post offices worked. But then many of you noticed
there was a postmark on the envelopes we showed. So they were like,
"Well, somebody -- somebody must have gone
to a post office." Good work, "Blue's Clues." [ Laughter ] If "Blue's Clues" showed up to
Graphics to make that complaint, they would of course be like,
"Oh, you're a girl? Well, guess what?
We don't care. We're good either way." Um, uh, when "Corrections"
reaches 100 episodes, one of you asked, "Will you
sell it into syndication?" Yes. We were in discussions
right now with Seeso and Quibi. [ Indistinct ] I'm sorry, uh, Quick Bites. I think if you're in
show business, you know, you'll say like, "Oh, yeah,
I'm doing something on Quibi." And people are like, "Huh?"
And you'll go, "Quick Bites," and they'll go, "Oh!" It's not an if, uh... It's not a when -- excuse me --
on making it to 100. It's an if, because last week I did this,
I stirred my, uh, Negroni with the tip
of my pencil like this. And someone said, "Hey, you can't drink
that after the fact," which I did, "because you
might get lead poisoning." I actually went to my doctor
and he's like, "Yeah, it's bad. It might be too late." And I was like,
"You think I'm gonna make it to 100 'Corrections'?" And he was like,
"I don't know what that is." And I said, "It's like
a digital exclusive." I can't remember
what we landed on, but he said, "It sounds bad. I don't want to talk
about it anymore." And I said, uh, "Is there any
way to get the lead out?" And then he just started
blasting some Zeppelin, and I was like,
"You know what? That's a pretty 'Corrections'
joke you just did right now." And he was like, "You know what?
Maybe I should check it out." And I was like,
"Well, I got bad news. You got to start
with the first one." Hey, some complaints from people
who watch "Closer Look" online. Uh, you watch on YouTube,
it ends with me, uh, plugging "Family Trips," the
podcast to do with my brother. I feel like your complaint
should be that the YouTube you're using
doesn't have a stop button. [ Laughter ] Also, we're adding a new, uh, we're adding a new tag
to "Corrections." Uh, so at the end
of each "Corrections" video, there's going to be a new tag
starting this week. I think you're really
going to enjoy it. Um, hey, uh,
the name of the orca, uh, the name of the orca,
uh, who played Willy in "Free Willy"
was named, uh, "Keeko"? Keiko? Uh, and after the film,
efforts were made to free Keiko back into the wild,
and I asked our research team to write up some of the fun
facts of how that went. Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. [ Laughter ] Oh, sweet God. Yeah, well, I mean, if
somebody lives in captivity... Happily ever after. [ Laughter ] What was it?
What was this today? I mean, like, but also,
you know, shout out. They did -- I said, you know, "Can you put
a Negroni in a thing of ice?" And they did, and then I forgot
you couldn't pick it up. Well, there you go.
Can't go back in time. That's the great thing about
"Corrections." Just marches on. Can we...um... Shoemaker, do we have like a CGI
budget to, like, fix it? [ Laughter ] Like, before we post it, can we just make it look the way
I thought it was going to look? And then you'll just obviously
just digitize out... Remember to stay tuned
for the new tag at the end. There'll be like a thing...
[ Laughter ] There'll be like a thing
where it's like... [vocalizing] or whatever,
and then... that'll be like a still of me
with some options. And then there'll be
a message from me and... or maybe somebody else. But it won't be, because I know
you hate it so much -- I know you hate --
You hate that I have a podcast. So it won't be
about the podcast, but I think
that'll be really cool. And we're on hiatus,
so see me in two weeks. ♪♪ Hey, everybody,
this is Bird Bane reminding you to watch this week's
"Corrections." What's that? You already did? Well, then you can [bleep] right
off off the side of a mountain! [ Laughter ] Caw-caw!
