Conan - Hannigan the Salesman Compilation

afternoon sir I was just passing by and jiminy Christmas look at this place I'm in this slack-jawed since the Russkies sent up Sputnik they sure had us eating humble pie who the hell are you my name's Hannigan and don't worry I'm not here to sell you any shoe trees anyway I uh oh sweet Truman's ghost what is it why your shoes so threadbare and misshapen why that's more shocking than a mixed-race marriage hey you're racist glad that's out of the way so how many she'll take you out I don't want any shoe trees let me guess you've been burned by shoe trees in the past who hasn't but as the Navajo mud hut is to the post-war split-level so are your current shoe trees - that's right the Excelsior 9000 shoe tree from shoe tech how many crates do you want I don't know any shoe trees at all thank you well let me guess you've been burned by shoe trees in the past is that right well that's another whole mud hut wish to the poster sir you said that already so I did this job has killed the part of my brain that lives in the present okay that that is truly pathetic then pathetic indeed but perhaps you two come up with a more wounding term if you use this BOJ's the thoris BOJ's i've only heard of Roget's thesaurus all rosie's is fine if you prefer accuracy over sheer bulk but if you're looking for half the words or twice the weight then BOJ's is simply what's the synonym for unbeatable shiny look I'm sure that BOJ's is great but I'm kind of in the middle of something I'm hosting a show right now showbiz eh so what kind of Escape is fair you pump it out of this fantasy factory it's a comedy show really I guess that explains the deafening silence maybe you could turn up the Chuckle meter with some rib-tickling jokes from the good people at gag Co well I guess I could always use more jokes sure hooked another fish pops watch me reel em in who are you talking to my late salesman father killed in his sleep by a shifty Creole prostitute but back to the joke what are you in the market for let's see how about a swartz joke okay get ready to laugh then I don't what snake it sure has a lot of muscles if you weren't anymore building come on the two-car garage what do you think wait a minute that's it you didn't even mention the governor's race or all the groping charges ask your relevance man how about a Ben and JLo knee-slapper from our flagship Windsor line okay Ben and JLo alright that sounds good go ahead okay loosen up those trousers you're about to bust a gut say that pendant JLo sure are popular they're stars got any brighter they put the Sun right out of business cash or credit I don't want to buy anything we mostly need sketches anyway sketches eh well that's our bread and butter down at sketch Co sketch Co don't worry it's a division the bojay Company a subsidiary of Shu tech you're in good hands now here's a political schedule have rolling young gals it's called the Hat sketch just read the part of the paper boy and I'll be average Joe say mister why is your hat off my hat's off to President Bush for doing such a bang-up job overseas hello Joe DiMaggio and si wait a minute that was that was awful and for many many reasons and you didn't even make fun of President Bush that would require questioning authority a concept is alien to me yes sex without weeping okay you know what that's just that's just creepy and weird I think you should leave okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you the shoe trees the bow chase the chorus the gags from Geico the sketch from sketch co and one Swedish testicular pleasure bath with full release guaranteed for $12 even I'm not gonna pay you for a Swedish testicular pleasure bath fine I'll pay you now drop trou and don't mind my weeping good evening little girl is your daddy home I'm not I'm not a little girl whatever you say princess say this is quite a place I haven't been this stunt since Edward I'm Earl when after McCarthy he sure gave tailgunner joe a kick in the pants okay who the hell are you my name's Hannigan and I swear on Doris Day's freckles I'm not a traveling salesman oh sweet Cold War attention what's wrong why the top of your desk gets more scuffed up and dirty than a bongo thumping beatnik what you need is dark Chinese desk polish keeping guests shiny and sperm counts low since 1898 did you say that it lowers sperm counts the court orders me to say it now repeat it besides once it's tough the wipes out the ozone you won't want to bring children into the world what why would anyone pay for that why did my father pay a man to run me over with a golf cart sometimes it's best not to ask okay did you just get out of here say you're pretty irritable of course I would be too if I had nose hairs that long I don't have long nose hairs are you kidding I haven't seen weaves that thick since I passed out on Sal Mineo spread stone looks like you need one of these Doc's not Z's nose hair clipper from the good people at schnoz Co stops nose hairs where they stop in the brain wait a minute it clips your brain only the part that controls racist outbursts but I've been using it for years and haven't had one single Mexicans what happened man you are pathetic if it's pathetic to drink the whole pint of vodka every morning put on your mother's old business suit and spit at your own reflection then guilty as charged [Music] okay well can you please stop talking you're just exhausting me then you should pop some of these Doc's biddies pet pills some of the good people at Petco now with even more baboon adrenaline who would take baboon adrenaline well it's not for everyone but if you're the kind of guy who likes throwing your species at a rival males red incandescent buttocks then Doc's beauty is your best friend okay look look you're probably not a bad guy oh I am if you recall I just tried to show you about Bourne adrenaline good point good point the bottom line is I'm not buying anything okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you the desk polish the nose hair clippers the pet pills and a 3-hour Hungarian genital scrub for ten dollars even I don't want a three-hour Hungarian genital scrub I do so you don't know what you're missing Conan it's been weeks since I had a decent three-hour hungarian genital scrub okay we'll just stay out of this stroll and that's free hey where'd that salesman go okay Joel drop trou and I'll take you to Budapest oh sweet negatives good evening ma'am is your husband home yeah I I don't have a husband well don't worry sister I'm sure there's a man out there even for a hideous spinster like yourself say this is quite a place it's a television studio Wow I've been on one of these since I saw Gleason in the honeymooners that Audrey meadows had quite a caboose okay who the hell are you Hannigan's the name and sales is the game of course I'm not here to sell you anything oh sweet Ethel Rosenberg what is it why those years of yours I haven't seen that much wax since I rode it through the dumpster at Madame Tussauds you need some of these dark squeaky's cotton Askew tips from the good people at tip Co snipping the cotton off regular q-tips and selling the stick since 1882 wait why would I buy a cute ship without cotton Oh Cotton's fine for people who don't want to punctured eardrum but if you want a Punisher ears for hearing the crew laughter of a prostitute who just compared your Anatomy to a cold baby fieldmouse and it's not squeaky's every time get out of here hey your crank here then Khrushchev during a caviar embargo you need a vacation how about a relaxing cruise from the good people at cruise Co well that sounds pretty good where to to the one and only Joe why an island the Joe Waianae --lens would anything like the Hawaiian Islands I'm not sure the Hawaiian Islands a collection of plee infested sand dunes in a Libyan reservoir okay well what would I do on a Libyan reservoir just do what the previous vacationers have done try in vain to find shelter curse my name and bury our dead when do you want to leave I'm not going there look just leave us I have guests to interview interview a it sounds like you need a musical guest what if I said I could get you Bob Dylan okay I'd assume you were lying and you would be right but I can get you the stones you can get me the Rolling Stones even better Morty and Isaac stone two grizzled old railroad attendants I meant the Catskills VA hospital morty claims to play the saw and isaac screams when he sees a flat surface when do i I don't want them besides we don't need a band we're mostly a comedy show anyway comedy hey then how about some gut-busting jokes from the good people at LAFCO I could always use jokes do you have anything about bush or Carrie oh do I listen up that John Kerry sure is a viable candidate if you're any more in the running we'd have to call a marathon Joe what do you think that's such oh so you don't like the smart stuff how about a non topical reticular for my budget-conscious Norwood line okay fine okay get ready to laugh boy that Paris Hilton sure has blonde hair if those locks were any sunnier we don't need Ray Bans how many do you want Paris Hilton jokes are supposed to be about sex well I see you like the obvious stuff then this one should be right up your alley boy that Ruben Studdard sure looks fat yeah uh-huh that's it what do you think get out of here I don't want your stupid jokes okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you the q-tips from tip code the cruise from cruise call Bodhi and Isaac stone Bob Dylan that's a lie the John Kerry Joe the Paris Hilton joke and the Ruben Studdard topper along with a one-of-a-kind rectal citrus wash for just 1195 I don't want any of that stuff especially a one-of-a-kind rectal citrus-y whoa fine you can give me one you hold the turkey baster and I'll shove the grapefruit down my pants oh my god good evening sir can I please use your phone I've just been shot in the face oh my god you were actually that was a lie to get my foot in the door but don't worry I'm not a traveling salesman you're not sorry another lie to get further in the door say this is quite a place I haven't been this slack jawed since I saw some aspirin from here to eternity that supporting role sure had him eating comeback pie who the hell are you Hannigan's the name and solving your holiday gift-giving needs is the game okay I don't need any holiday gifts ah-choo I'm sorry I'm allergic to filthy liars and who on your gift would love a bottle of Hayley's biros cream Bailey's Irish Cream No Hayley's Pyrus cream rhyming with Bailey's Irish Cream and lacking all other similarities since 1982 okay thank you very much but I'll stick with Bailey's okay Oh Bailey's is fine if you want an irresistible seasonal decor but if you want a hastily relabeled bottle of industrial paint thinner they lead through your throat like an angry beaver it's Hayley's all the way now wait a minute why would you sell that stuff why was my father arrested for sleeping nude and Burt Lancaster's Bobo some mysteries are best left unsolved okay look I'm not buying any Hayley's okay you're right it's a Christmas drink and today's the day after Thanksgiving that's why you need our use turkey carcass from the good people at carcass Cove well why would anyone buy a used turkey carcass to create the illusion you're eating turkey on Thanksgiving instead of huffing methamphetamine in an abandoned laundromat God that is so depressing I are a man of compassion how'd you like the leather-bound first edition copy of a Christmas carol wow you have that no but I do have an eight-by-ten glossy photo of transvestite prostitute Carol Christmas she'll have you seeing ghosts a no I don't think so I don't want the picture of that now wise choice the last guy who tried to take that from me woke up on a flophouse floor with a sharpened spoon in his neck see you in Hell sneaky Burt okay would you just get the hell out of here please you're right I've lost my way I need to find the real meaning of Christmas mind if I use your phone to reconnect with my dear old mother that sounds nice sure go ahead thanks a lot here hold this for me will ya sure yeah hello police I found the guy who killed sneaky bird his fingerprints are all over the spoon he should private give me that phone all right you drive a hard bargain I'll give you the Haley's Pyrus cream the turkey carcass stock Stickley's reindeer poison the Carroll Christmas vote of the shop and Spooner I tried to frame you it and a bootleg video of the Moroccan rowing team using my naked body as a gravy boat forget it I'm not gonna do it you're right video can't do it justice I'll trust Rao and you pull the grave [Music] good evening old woman can I please use your phone all right I'm not an old woman whatever you say granny my what a lovely home you have I haven't been this impressed since being Crosby starred in the country girl der Bingle's show showed some acting chops in that timeless sweeper who the hell are you well I'm certainly not a traveling salesman if that's what you're thinking no just a concerned citizen calling authorities to report a terrible accident an accident well that's terrible go ahead use the phone thank you ma'am hello police I have an emergency it seems the good people at kailash Koh were slashing prices on quality rubberized footwear and now that galoshes are dangerously affordable what's that people would be fools not to buy them and I should get the word out can do officer you hear that mothball wait a minute wait you didn't even dial a number besides you're just trying to sell me galoshes say you're a cranky spinster aren't you why not sweeten up that sour mood with this doc Brandis habit-forming root beer ruining more lives than heroin since 1882 but it's more addictive than heroin you bet the Chinese call it the devil's orgasm the first sips free and you'd sell your own kids for the second one I know I did how many cases you up why would I why would anybody buy that stuff what is my illiterate 400-pound wife have conjugal visits with death row inmate sometimes it's best not to ask all right listen would you please leave you always have nothing I want how about an HDTV an HDTV that's right a half-drunk Tibetan ventriloquist the only entertainer personally condemned by the Dalai Lama you won't notice his lips move after he pukes on your shoes you know would you just get lost I'm trying to do a comedy show here comedy hey I've heard more laughter and the Cuban Missile Crisis how about some rib-tickling jokes from the good people at joke oh you have jokes well I always need jokes Iggy let's see yeah you got anything about Condoleezza Rice do I hop in the laugh taxi I'll Drive you too funny bill boy that kind of leaves our ice show got confirmed easily if that process were any smoother you could spread it on them up and what do you think that was terrible too brainy a maybe it prefers some lowbrow fare from our pedestrian Fairmont line okay fine you give a Michael Jackson joke only the best one you've ever heard jump on the chuckle rocket we're off to planet Buster got boy that Michael Jackson sure is a snappy dresser if you looked any shopper I could cut a tomato or a potato or some other fruit a vegetable what do you think that is easily the worst joke I ever heard then you haven't heard this one about Sheryl Crow's microwave or that Sheryl Crow show it has a microwave all right I don't have any time for this that's the end of it anyway all right I gotta bring out Mekhi Phifer wind chippewa Mekhi Phifer when you prefer for Chi my phone who is I'm my fur the half-drunk Tibetan ventriloquist's get in here my fur get that guy out of here don't you get it I'm not buying anything from you okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you the glasses from galosh coat dock Randy's habit-forming root beer the HDTV they got busting jokes from Joe crow and a two-handed Navajo scrotal tug for $12 either I do not want a two-handed Navajo scrotal tug all right I'll make it four hands get in on the action my firt oh my god [Applause] good evening sir say what's with these bright lights I haven't been this blinded since I followed Jean mansfield into a department store fitting room that poor man's Monroe show use rich man's pepper spray who are you the names Hannigan and I swear on my thirty-year love affair with alcohol that I'm not a traveling salesman well that's good because I don't want to buy anything he said ironically I'm not being ironic get lost perhaps you would make the effort to kick me out if you want to shame to your shoes you need some of this doc Chinese shoe polish combining black paint and mud and calling it shoe polish since 1892 now with more goose excrement goose excrement why would anyone buy that why did my common-law wife pay a dockworker to carve an upside-down cross on my chest some riddles are best left unsolved we just get out of here boy you shall have your knickers in a twist maybe you need some new knickers like these doc undies salmon flavored jockey shorts repelling women and attracting grizzly bears since 1922 okay I don't want my underwear to attract grizzly bears ah so you're a man who values his genitals of course I value my genitals I think everybody does yes but some of us don't learn to value our genitals until we've lost him in a taiwanese poker game thought you're bluffing general sour anyway that's disgusting I'm trying to do a comedy show here when you just run along comedy a must be that new kind with the audience laughs on the inside how about some gut-busting jokes um the good people at joko jokes well I can always use some jokes you got anything about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie do I hop on the left tractor we're off to the Chuckle harvest boy that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sure are doing well financially if they made any more money they could list their address is Easy Street USA what do you think that was horrible too highbrow eh how about a down and dirty Martha Stewart rib tickler for my more pedestrian Fox wood line okay fine go ahead okay grab a shirt bow with climbing mount st. funny boy that Martha Stewart sure is well dressed if those does when he's sharper they could cut me the fruit or some other food she's preparing on a television show sure hope she doesn't cut a finger catcher credit you know I've been around a while I think that's the worst joke I've ever heard in my life I would lose all my viewers let's win him back with a jingle from the good people at General Co but you have a jingle for the show sure do listen up Oh watch this show it's a show for you just that's my cat name scratch below he lost one eye to a rusty screw I'd marry scratch into one taboo hey Congress want to get off our back and let men marry cats what do you think this is hard to believe but that jingle was actually worse than your jokes maybe you'd prefer this one oh I've got a dog named box McGee who says he wants to marry me all right just stop it okay you're no Barbie she's very persuasive yeah yeah you're obviously a very very very very sick man and when he just get out okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you a doctor I need shoe polish to Bradley in a joke the Martha Stewart Show stopper the heartwarming jingle from jingle co an x-ray of my swollen non-functioning liver and a free pair of dark undies seven flavored briefs okay I don't want these salmon flavored briefs they're not for you they're for the bear evening sir I was just passing by and say that's lovely desk you have there haven't seen wood that nice since they passed out in Kim Novak's toolshed that curvy ice queen show gave me vertigo [Laughter] who are you oh wait are you a traveling salesman oh no that's absurd pan against the name and I swear on the lives of my fictional children that I'm not selling anything I just need to borrow a fire extinguisher a fire extinguisher why to put out my briefcase it's full of red-hot deals I knew it you are a Salesman actually sales implies that I've ever actually sold something and man implies that it didn't lose my penis in a death prostitutes hastily closed car oh my god that's disgusting nauseated a then you need some of these doc queasy stomach tablets taking people's minds off nausea with crippling leg pain since 1882 now with more polio I'm not buying a jar full of polio say you're pretty tense why don't you loosen up with this doc end it alls relaxation pistol blasting away anxiety with 38 caliber tranquility pellets since 1927 okay I know I am NOT blowing my brains out get out of here I have a comedy show to do comedy hey I heard more laughs during the Bay of Pigs invasion gut-busting jokes from the good people of joke oh okay well I could always use some jokes you got any a Tom Cruise Katie Holmes jokes oh do I put on your wolf suit I'm about to make you howl say that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sure look happy if they were any bigger lovebirds they that beaks and lay eggs in a bird house what do you think that was terrible it was awful to suddenly come on a line drive laughs get her for my more accessible Jericho line okay fine you got a joke about the new Fantastic Four movie do I hop on the giggle ship or off the Chuckle island boy that Fantastic Four movie sure is highly anticipated if it anymore buzzer be a bus or a bee or Hornet or something else it buzzes maybe an old TV or that astronaut Buzz Aldrin was Buzz his real name or just a nickname who cares that whole moon landing was faked anyway transcript I think that was the worst joke I've ever heard in my life then you haven't heard this one about the combined weight of Bell Biv DeVoe Bell Biv DeVoe no one's mentioned that me in 15 years why don't you sell things people actually want like what well I don't know a nice watch or a car or something how about a BMW wait a minute you can get me a BMW yep a bisexual Mexican well there get in your teeth [Applause] I'm sorry but I want that guy out of here give him a try trust me he doesn't need that blowtorch to fire you up okay forget it just get out okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you a doc quiz Tommy tablets the relaxation pistol the Tom Cruise Katie Holmes dope the life changing fantastic for knee-slapper with the buzz aldrin tag and a career-ending public three-way with me and chichi here for $12 even know how about 11 bucks you got a deal Happy Holidays little girl is your daddy home I'm not a little girl please don't be insulted little girl is just a metaphor I use for gullible jackets your traveling salesman I prefer to think of myself as a wandering nuisance hand against the name and don't worry I'd sooner eat puppy meat than try to sell you anything oh sweet sputtering Sputnik okay what is it why those gums of yours I miss eating that red and swollen since I spanked Jo Hoover's button a Baltimore bathhouse you need some of this dark Blackie's combustible mouthwash preventing gingivitis with small contained explosion since 1968 now with more napalm okay I'm not no I'm not putting anything with napalm on my gums ah so you're a man of reason why not improve that mental functioning with this Dianetics Bael dontoh bird by annette expelled on hubbard I've only heard of Dianetics by l ron Hubbard Dianetics is the book that convinced you to buy Dianetics and while Hubbard was a prominent science fiction writer Hubbard was convicted on 12 counts of exposing himself to the elderly that's disgusting why would anyone buy that guy's book why did my prostitute mother trade me to circus freaks for an old Newsweek magazine some songs about that don't air it just get the hell out of here I'm doing a comedy show comedy eh I've heard more laughs in Ukrainian snuff films sounds like you need some jokes well I you know I wait a minute I could always use some jokes you got anything about President Bush you bet hop on the giggle probably we're off to laughs Francisco say that President Bush sure has nice suits if those threads when you shop you get pop balloons with them what do you think that was horrible too sophisticated a how about a lowbrow gutbuster for my more pedestrian Pimlico line okay fine yeah hey you got what about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey do I tie on your lap apron I'm about to make a chuckle cake say that naked Jessica Szohr our celebrities if there are any more famous they'd be Tom Cruise a Thomas Jefferson of the Boston Strangler well he wasn't really famous those infamous kinda late the Green River Killer they ever catch that guys we still on the loose cash a credit [Music] that was probably the worst joke I've ever heard in my entire life ah then you haven't heard this one about Tyne Daly summer home who cares about Tyne Daly summer home did you have anything I might actually want for the holiday you like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer yeah then you'll love Randolph the rat-faced redneck coming out [Applause] oh my god get that freak out of here give him a chance he can forage for food these shrieks like a demon when cornered okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you doc pakis mouthwash to buy a textbook the rib-tickling Busch joked the earth-shaking nicandjessica topper and a four-hour San Quentin blanket party from Randolph and me for only nine dollars even okay what is a four-hour San Quentin blanket party oh come on [Applause] good evening sir say this is quite a place I've been in this ostrog since I looked up Lana Turner's skirt at the USO fundraiser her mobster boy Troy Johnny Stompanato sure did a dance on my windpipe who the hell are you are you a door-to-door salesman actually I usually climb in through the window and don't worry I'd rather eat quail eggs with Castro than try to sell you anything oh sweet career-ending blacklist what's wrong why that razor stubble on your chin that's more abrasive than my common-law wife's personality you need some of this doc fallouts nuclear shaving cream vaporizing stubble with weapons grade uranium since 1948 it's Oppenheimer epoch okay that sounds incredibly dangerous only to you and everything else within a 50-mile radius all right we'll just get it out of here then say your full attention Hitchcock why not unwind a little with this doctor company's random noise generator driving sane men to suicide since 1932 Wayne if that thing makes people kill themselves what kind of noises come out of it the least disturbing noise is a hippo being disemboweled by a jetski why would anyone want to hear that why did my glue-sniffing stepmother staple a dry-cleaning receipt to my chest just get out of here okay I'm trying to do a comedy show comedy hey I heard more laughs at the Jack Ruby arraignment sounds like you could use some jokes I could always use more jokes you got anything my Brokeback Mountain do I hop on the Left copter I'm flying a chuckle towel say that Brokeback Mountain sure is an Oscar favorite if they're any more of a frontrunner we need track shoes what do you think that was terrible too sophisticated a how about a gut-busting sketch from the good people at sketch co okay what kind of sketch only the best political sketch ever written it's called the shoe sketch you read the part of the shoeshine boy and I'll be John Q citizen okay hey mister wanna shoeshine what I want is a third time for President Bush the greatest man who ever lived or ever will live Hey look liquid vapor NC sketch it doesn't even make any sense maybe not now but on your drive home from work later you realize exactly what it means and swerve immediately into an oncoming semi okay just don't so anything that people might actually want I mean you saw anything like that how about an IBM an IBM yep an incontinent Bavarian milkman get in your fritz give him a chance there's nothing more compelling than the scent of urine-soaked lederhosen no I'm not gonna do it okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you a doc fallout shaving cream doctor coffees generator the rib-tickling Brokeback Mountain joke the trailblazing shoe sketch and a three-hour Crisco oil rubdown for me in the Bavarian pea phone here because $12 even forget it I don't want a three-hour Crisco oil rubdown okay then we'll make it four hours come on Fritz let's grease up this bird we'll take a break Airlines here figured out Neal [Applause] good evening sir say swanky place you got here Ivan been this slack-jawed since Cassius Clay knocked out Sonny Liston in Miami that charismatic motormouth sure gave all ex-con Sonny the rope-a-dope who the hell are you are you a traveling salesman a common assumption given my cheap suit and off-putting personality but don't worry I'm just here to report a man slasher a man slasher yeah he slashed the price on the items I have in this briefcase and now the bargains are totally criminal okay you are a Salesman look I don't want to buy anything say you're pretty irritable must be those red swollen gums of yours you could use some of this doc waxey's dental floss used by mafia hitmen to strangle informants since 1922 no thanks perhaps you'd prefer the unwaxed variety that was used as tripwire and Vietcong booby traps okay why would anyone buy that stuff why did my one-legged step father pay a defrocked priest to pour milk on his chest some stones are best left unturned okay that's that's very disturbing disturbing indeed but perhaps you could come up with some even harsher adjectives with this the American Heritage Dictionary okay don't you mean dictionary all the dictionary is fine if you want universally accepted word definitions but if you prefer glaringly inaccurate definitions scrawled in urine by my glue-sniffing half-brother Rick then it's written area all the way all right I'll stick with the dictionary say you're pretty stubborn and according to Rick that means you're a large breasted gargoyle that lives in his old meter would you just get lost I'm trying to do a comedy show comedy a it must be that new kind with a laugh sound like yawns you could use some jokes all right well you know I could always use new jokes so you got any about President Bush do I back in the carpet I'm about to make your roll say that President Bush sure has nice hair if that main want anyway bureau we don't need surfboards what do you think that was terrible Oh to edgy a how about in a more accessible Kevin Federline rib particular from our mainstream jacobi live okay fine go ahead okay put on your chuckle cape we're off to lap sylvania boy that Kevin Federline sure is talented if he wrapped any better he could get a job wrapping presents or sandwiches a sprained ankle sprained ankles get wrapped don't they yeah I'm pretty sure you don't need a cast for those cash your layaway that's the worst joke I've ever heard then you haven't heard this one about William H Macy's humidifier boy that way mates Macy's sure has a humidifier okay stop it well he has one I'm told don't you have anything I might actually want how about an SUV an SUV yep a suicidal unsociable Viking get out of here Garrett listen get the suicidal Viking out of here are you sure before he blows his brains out he can loot an anglo-saxon monastery for you no okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you doc waxey's dental floss the riksha nary the gut-busting boys joke the much imitated federline knee-slapper the suicidal unsociable viking and a three-hour scandinavian general stomper just twelve hours even okay what the hell is a three-hour Scandinavian genital stomp will show you yeah if I'll take off his pants and you jump on his back pardon me miss can I please use your phone yeah I'm not a miss my oh my apologies man with that plane Jean kisser yours I figured no man would marry you I'm a man Oh what are you a traveling salesman you couldn't be more wrong sir why I'd sooner skinned alive well the Beast and try to sell you anything no I just need your phone to report a crime to police oh really yeah well what kind of crime you'll find out soon enough Curious George hello please I want to report a robbery my competitors high prices are robbing customers of their hard-earned cash what's that just keep saving the money myself on top quality merchandise can do boys in blue okay you are a Salesman all right we'll just get lost and I want to buy anything say you're cranky of course I would be too if my teeth were falling out of my face let's see start falling out are you kidding I haven't seen decay like that since my Goomba neighbors dug up Jimmy Hoffa you could use one of these doc pakis bristle his toothbrush gliding pointlessly across people's comes since 1922 okay what could I do with a bristle 'lest toothbrush do what my mother did sharpen the tip and use it as a prison check your mother was in prison only for 70% of her life she gave birth to me in there after getting knocked up by a one-legged janitor I tracked the man down several years ago and got a fatherly punch in the throat Wow I'll show you depressing now as depressing as your unsightly razor stubble you could use some of this doc scauldy so Furyk shaving cream removing whiskers and the skin and muscle tissue beneath them since 1892 wait a minute burns your skin off then no extra straight version burns right through your skull okay why do you sell that stuff what am I not collecting ex-wife of a tattoo of Pol Pot on her face okay I don't care just leave him doing a comedy show here comedy eh I heard more laughs when the Berlin Wall went up sounds like you could use some jokes Wow I could always use some jokes got anything about congressman Foley hoho do I hop on the lap copter and I'll fly in a chuckle tower say that congressman Poli Shah has nice hair if that man were any wider it would need a ski lift what do you think that was horrible you didn't even mention bully's email scandal oh yeah like I'm ripped from the headlines eh how about a highly relevant the Iraq joke from our hard-hitting penico line fine go ahead okay call the king's horses humpty dumpty I'm about to crack yeah boy that Iraq show rhymes with Big Mac and also a track crack and shellac hey what did she lack anyway some kind of glue that's what my friend auntie told me before he got hit by that turnip truck - better than that life insurance cash on layaway neither that has to be the worst joke ever written no that would be this one about Frank Langella juice machine boy that Frank Langella sure residues me okay just stop all right state of the art stop you obviously have nothing I could possibly want from my show how about Guns and Roses the rock band Guns and Roses no two unregistered pistols and some flowers I stole at the cemetery you robbed someone's grave it was one of those pistols that made that grave necessary okay that's it I'm calling the cops right now you drive a hard bargain I'll give you the bristles toothbrushes so Furyk shaving cream the rib-tickling Folie joked the edgy Iraq knee slapper the Guns N'Roses in a full-service Bosnia nipple trim for just $12 even what the hell is a full service Bosnian nipple trim I'll show you you take off your shirt and I'll break out the rusty hedge clippers [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] good evening sir say heck of a place you got here I've been this slack-jawed since I saw Jane Russell in the outlaw that buxom brunette sure had my papers popping who the hell are you Hannigan's the name and sales is the game okay you're a Salesman cuz you should just get lost I don't really want to buy anything all the proceeds go to charity okay what charity good question I probably should have thought about that before I lied about the money going to charity so there is no charity say you're a sharp one and you look even sharper with this Doc's Dudley's aftershave sprinkling oregano into paint thinner and calling it aftershave since 1932 okay just do me a favor get that stuff away from me alright say your crankier than Rock Hudson in a sorority house maybe this inspirational book will lighten your mood Wednesday's with Corey okay Wednesday's Wednesday's with Cory's n anything like Tuesdays with Maurey o Tuesdays with Maurey is fine if you want life-affirming pearls of wisdom from an elderly philosopher but if you prefer first-hand accounts of sniffing glue in a Red Lobster parking lot with washed up child star Corey Feldman then as Wednesday's recorded the rescue do a comedy show here comedy a must be that newfangled kind where you don't go for laps sounds like you could use some jokes yeah I can always use some jokes again anything about President Bush do i strap on a girdle you're about to bust a gut boy that President Bush sir has shiny shoes that they were any more reflective we can all brush our teeth in him what do you think okay that was that was terrible that was horrible two groundbreaking eh how about a Paris Hilton rib tickler for my more cowardly Pimlico lines all right go ahead okay put on your giggle turban we're off to laugh gander Stan boy boy that Paris Hilton sure has long legs if those gams for any longer you can run a flag up of course if there was a national tragedy yeah lower it down to her knees that's what they do with the flag right max brother-in-law we know he works for the post office tragic credit that didn't even make sense look you obviously have nothing I could possibly want you like the PlayStation 3 you have a Playstation 3 of course not but I do have this gay Haitian Lee all right get that guy out of here are you sure he's all the rage of the port-au-prince bathhouse I said no okay you drive a hard bargain I'll give you docks done this after shave Wednesday's with Cory the trailblazing Bush joke the Paris Hilton head scratcher and a New England clam chowder sponge bath from me and gay Haitian leave for just 12 hours even okay I don't want a New England clam chowder sponge bath finding give me a one come on Lee you hold the chowder and I'll dump the sponges all right we're gonna take a break [Applause] you

Channel: GForce645

Views: 254,344

Keywords:

Id: 999v3o8_h18

Length: 36min 51sec (2211 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 10 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/BarryThecon]

Also, you just know Conan is getting such a kick out of it. He loves that old-timey humour so much.

[u/OkSheepherder5173]

The depth of the writing here for a sketch that aired so late it was on tomorrow is why Conan's the best.

[u/mikeburnlab]

Brian Stack is simply the best.

[u/reallywiththename]

cash or credit!