♪ ♪♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO! >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, HI! >> Stephen: JON, I LIKE THE
WHOLE VIBE. I LIKE THE BAND IN THAT OUTFIT. IT LOOKS LIKE THE BAND WHEN YOU
GO TO HEAVEN AND YOU'RE ST. PETER. SOMETHING ANGELIC ABOUT THIS
>> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO PLAY THAT HEAVENLY FIEWKS MORE THEM
>> Stephen: AS YOU DO EVERY NIGHT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TODAY
MARKS A BITTERSWEET MILESTONE IN THE
LEGACY OF LATE NIGHT, BECAUSE AFTER 28 YEARS AND 4,368
EPISODES, CONAN O'BRIEN'S LATE-NIGHT RUN IS ENDING. CONAN'S HAD AN AMAZING TENURE--
IT STARTED WAY BACK IN 1993, WHEN HE BEGAN HOSTING "LATE
NIGHT" AT THE TENDER AGE OF NINE. FOLLOWING PUBERTY, HE MOVED TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW," AND THEN SPENT 11 YEARS AT "CONAN" ON
TBS. NOT TO MENTION HIS BRIEF
SPINOFFS, "CONAN THE TANK ENGINE" AND CONARCOS." TONIGHT'S HIS LAST SHOW, BUT
LIKE A KID WHO KEEPS SAYING HE'S RUNNING AWAY, HE'LL BE BACK
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WITH "CONAN," A NEW WEEKLY VARIETY SHOW FOR
HBO MAX. CONAN AND HBO MAX, WHICH I
ASSUME IS SHORT FOR HBO MAX WEINBERG. AND JUST TO GET AHEAD, I'D LIKE
TO WISH CONAN A FOND PRE-FAREWELL FOR HIS UPCOMING
TRIUMPHANT DECADE ON STREAMING, AND THE NEXT EIGHT YEARS ON
GAS PUMP TV PLUS NETWORK AND HIS LATE 2040'S RUN ON "HTML" A
MICROCHIP-INFUSED JELLY THAT'S INJECTED DIRECTLY INTO VIEWERS'
AMYGDALA. IT REALLY FEELS LIKE THE BEAR IS
MASTURBATING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN. ( LAUGHTER )
CONAN'S A DEAR FRIEND AND A LOVELY FELLA. HE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A
STRENGTH AND A GREAT SOURCE OF ADVICE FOR ME AS I TOOK OVER A
LATE NIGHT SHOW, AND I WANT TO CONGRATULATE HIM ON 24
INCREDIBLE YEARS AND SEVERAL PERFECTLY FINE ONES AS WELL. ( LAUGHTER )
I HOPE HE MAKES THE MOST OF HIS SIX DAYS OF RETIREMENT BEFORE
STARTING WORK AT HBO. I'VE ASKED ONE OF MY WRITERS,
BRIAN STACK, WHO WORKED WITH CONAN FOR MANY YEARS, TO COME
OUT HERE AND SHARE SOME MEMORIES OF WORKING FOR CONAN. BRIAN, COME ON OUT HERE. BRIAN STACK, EVERYBODY. THERE YOU GO. BRIAN. >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: BRIAN, HOW LONG
DID YOU WORK FOR CONAN? >> 18 YEARS. >> STEPHEN: SO YOU MUST KNOW THE
TRUE CONAN THAT NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SEE. ARE YOU READY TO DISH THE UGLY
DIRT ABOUT YOUR OLD BOSS? >> SURE, IF THAT'S WHAT MY NEW
BOSS WANTS. >> STEPHEN: YES, IT IS. LET 'ER RIP. HE CAN'T HURT YOU ANYMORE. >> OK. HERE GOES. THIS IS PROBABLY SOMETHING I
DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T SAY: HE'S IRISH. ( LAUGHTER )
>> HE IS. >> STEPHEN: YEAH, WE ALL KNEW
THAT, BRIAN. >> YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH. HE'S IRISH-'CATHOLIC'. THERE'S DIFFERENT TYPES. >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND. I DID LET YOU FINISH, AND, COME
ON, YOU WERE THERE BACKSTAGE, DARK SECRETS. CAMERAS OFF. NOBODY'S LOOKING. WHAT HAPPENED? >> OK, HERE'S ONE: CONAN IS
REALLY TALL. SURPRISINGLY TALL
>> STEPHEN: YEAH. THAT'S HIS WHOLE DEAL. HE'S SLENDERMAN RON WEASLY. COME ON, BRIAN. HE'S LEAVING LATE NIGHT. HE HAS NO POWER OVER YOU. HE NO LONGER CONTROLS YOUR
CAREER LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING. TALK! >> WELL, OKAY. THIS ONE IS DEFINITELY GOING GET
ME IN TROUBLE. HIS MIDDLE NAME IS, GET THIS,
CHRISTOPHER. JUST WEIRD. >> STEPHEN: BRIAN WHAT'S GOING
ON? DID CONAN MAKE YOU SIGN AN
N.D.A.? >> YOU MEAN LIKE SOMETHING WHERE
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO REVEAL DETAILS SUCH AS WHETHER I'VE
BEEN ASKED TO SIGN AN N.D.A.? >> STEPHEN: YES. >> YEAH, I SIGNED ONE OF THOSE. ( LAUGHTER )
ACTUALLY, ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN AN N.D.A.. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GET WELL
CARD. >> STEPHEN: OKAY, CLEARLY YOU'VE
GOT NOTHING. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
>> WE GOT HIM A CARD BECAUSE HE GOT A PRETTY NASTY CONTUSION
WHEN HE TRIPPED AFTER WE ROBBED THAT HOSPITAL? YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. WE NEEDED THE MONEY TO BUY
COCAINE FOR OUR ORGIES AT BETTY WHITE'S UNDERGROUND SEX DUNGEON? ( LAUGHTER )
AND CONAN LIKES HIS SNOW REALLY PURE. HE'D ALWAYS SAY, C'MON, BRIAN. YOU'RE ON TEAM COCO. THAT STANDS FOR CONAN'S COCAINE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: WOW. YIKES. THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH
DARK SECRETS. >> AND THEN PAT SAJAK MADE US
ALL DRINK ENDANGERED LEOPARD MILK OUT OF LINCOLN'S SKULL. CRAZY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU KNOW THAT THING IS NOT WATER-TIGHT. MILK EVERYWHERE. >> STEPHEN: OK, BRIAN. >> I REMEMBER IT WELL, CUZ IT
WAS RIGHT BEFORE CONAN STARTED SELLING COUNTERFEIT PENICILLIN
TO CLINICS ALL OVER THE DEVELOPING WORLD. ( LAUGHTER )
HE KNEW INTERPOL WAS CLOSING IN, SO HE HAD TO GO INTO HIDING WITH
THE UKRAINIAN ARMS SMUGGLERS HE KNEW FROM WHEN HE USED TO RUN
AKS TO THE MUJAHIDEEN IN THE LATE 80S, BACK WHEN HE WAS
WRITING FOR S.N.L.. THEY HAD SUMMERS OFF. I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE TOLD
ME BEFORE HE FILED OFF HIS FINGERPRINTS AND HAD HIS FACE
RECONSTRUCTED USING CADAVER FLESH SOURCED FROM A CHINESE
POLITICAL PRISON. HE LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND
SAID, BRIAN, IF I CAN GIVE YOU ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, IT'S NEVER
TELL ANYONE I'M GOING TO MURDER JEFFREY EPSTEIN. ( LAUGHTER )
SO WISE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HE WILL BE MISSED. HE WILL. >> Stephen: BRIAN, THANK YOU
SO MUCH. BRIAN STACK, EVERYBODY
CONGRATULATIONS, CONAN, SEE YOU IN BETTY WHITE'S SEX DUNGEON. WHEN WE COME BACK, I SIT DOWN
WITH ROBERT DUVALL AT HIS VIRGINIA RANCH. ♪♪
Stack went from years of being memorable, hilarious characters from Late Night, to going to Colbert just in time to write 4 years of hilarious Trump jokes. A good step up.