Fear of Intimacy Part 1: Spot the Causes & Signs

thank you all for being here my name is kyle with med circle and this is one of our free events and we're talking about a very highly requested topic with a very highly requested doctor the topic is fear of intimacy and here to shed light on that topic and answer your questions is dr ish major dr ish what first of all great name and uh thank you for uh coming on med circle this is your first time and i'm so glad you're here thanks so much for having me kyla i appreciate it man but looking forward to it we're live on youtube and facebook as well so if you're watching this live and uh i i say the polls on the screen or something and you go i don't see any poll that's because we're also on zoom so the zoom people have access to dr ish you can register for dr ish's next live class at medcircle.com live let's get into today's topic which is fear of intimacy and we're going to start with our first question which is what is a fear of intimacy that's that's the million dollar question uh to me the fear of intimacy is the fear of rejection right because what is it what is it we want what does that mean um when we talk about intimacy and sex we don't really have a good definition so to me intimacy is love and belonging right and so there's nothing to fear there but we fear if it doesn't happen and so the fear of intimacy to me is i don't want to try because what if i get rejected and how much is that going to hurt and how do i recover and so we just go and take a hands-off approach so that that's when i hear fear of intimacy i hear fear of rejection so intimacy doesn't have to be a sexual thing it can be a relationship thing a vulnerability thing uh very rarely is intimacy a sexual thing intimacy very rarely intimacy good intimacy leads to great sex but intimacy is me being vulnerable and allowing you to see me and to know me and accept me and that leads to this feeling called love and this thing we call belonging and then from there we have those things then we can have an amazing sex life because that's you know because that gives us the thing we've ever seen in every romantic comedy which is we got a connection now right and so the one thing has to come first if somebody's experiencing a fear of intimacy or for the purpose of this let's call it a fear of rejection what would the opposite feeling be or the opposite emotional state be of that uh so the opposite emotion of the fear of intimacy or the fear of rejection the absolute opposite of that is a strong sense of worthiness right because in order to in order to feel love and belonging you've got to believe you're worth it right and so we're thinking about okay so what is what is love what it's you know this is such a nebulous term the best way for me to to conceptualize what love means is to think about what's the opposite of that so the opposite of love to me is shame right love means you accept me love means you see it i don't have to brush it up i don't have to polish it up i don't have to put on anything on or take anything off you see it and you click the box yes opting in on dr ish love that right so the opposite of that is the opposite of that feeling is shame because you saw it and you were like i know not not doing it you know and we in turn and we internalize these things so for me the opposite of that fear of intimacy is a sense of worth right there two totally polar opposite things two totally opposite life experiences depending on which one you feel at most understood uh because it's your first time on med circle dr ish why don't you give a professional introduction to all of our members yeah sure i am dr ish major uh board certified psychiatrist tv show host um author uh and owner of multiple detox clinics around the country um i've been uh focusing more on relationships probably kyle for the last 10 15 plus years just because um it's something that matters because i know if you can get the love part of your life right then everything else looks so much better you know i grew up with five sisters eight aunts my mom and dad were together for 56 years before we lost her so i know what it looks like and i know what it feels like to come from a place of love and support and belonging and if you can you know i grew up poor and black in south carolina so if you can get the love part right in that house anything else is possible in life and i am just a living testament to that i love that explanation the work you do with fear of intimacy what type of experiments experience do you have uh treating and working with people yeah it's an experiment all right my freudian slip today right well because guess what because none of us gets it right and including me you know i remember uh i remember my lady said she's like you know when we first started dating she was like you know so let me get this straight you are a relationship expert i was like yeah that's right she's like that's how that's impossible because you suck at this [Laughter] right so what do you tell people about that when you're getting feedback from a girl you're dating that you're no good at this and and i tell them that is accurate because i'm in it right i have i have fears and i have shame and i have you know i don't want to be humiliated and i want to i want to be accepted just like everybody else so when you're in it it's so hard to see right it's so easy for me to see your stuff and your stuff and your stuff because i don't have an emotional connection to it i'm just here to help but when it comes to me it's like but no my stuff i feel my stuff and so we're all trying to maneuver in those creases so we can feel a little more here and feel a little less here and that makes so that makes that makes us all human and makes us all susceptible to it wow and too bad you're not a likeable guy you know you would just be the full package if you were likable how prevalent do you think the fear of intimacy or the fear of rejection as you put it is yeah i would say probably 30 of the people on on this earth um truly live what we called uh a wholehearted life right they just they dive in they're like hey this is you know this this is me and and take it or leave it and i'm living the best that i can and i'm you know trying to feed as many people as i can uh the right way and my goal is just to show up and feel good and do some a little good in the world but most of us have have those fears man most of us have you know those shame triggers and especially if we grew up here in the states right uh because our our our contribution to the culture here is is the pop culture right it's tv stuff it's it's it's media and there's so many opportunities on tv online in print you know every day for us to feel a little bit less than you know well this well this person gets on tv all the time and they look like that so maybe i need to look like that and if i don't then maybe something's wrong well this person sounds like that and i don't sound like that and maybe that's why nobody pays attention to me or this you know this person has achieved these things and i haven't achieved half of that so there's so many opportunities for us to feel less than about who we are what we drive where we live the clothes we have how my hair looks or how my hair doesn't look like don't have it and so it's hard man uh our culture makes it hard on us absolutely um i'm very excited for our members to be able to ask you these questions we're gonna dive in right now if you're watching live on zoom and you would like to ask dr ish a question use the q a box below this screen this med circle member says i fear intimacy because of sexual abuse how do i get over that dr ish that's a great question um so what the numbers will say is two to three out of every five uh women in particular a little bit less when you include guys have experienced some type of trauma um and as a child psychiatrist i can tell you that the numbers are much higher um it comes in the way that you classify so number one i'm sorry that happened to you i'm sorry you're still dealing with that as an adult one of the key things that goes along with that sexual trauma is that we internalize what that means and we internalize a sense of worth and a lack of a sense of worth because of it right um some some young girls who go through a sexual trauma they will get over sexualized and think because well that's the only thing that i have a value so that's what i'll lead with and then some folks would go the opposite way now if you're still if it's still causing you some intimacy problems some uncomfortable problems that tells me that you've got what i call an unhealed childhood wound wrapped around the sexual trauma right and so you've got to heal that wound and so that can come in a few different ways that comes in a few different packages the first package um is to be able to put that shame aside right because we feel like well maybe there was something wrong with me i did something to deserve it you know what whatever those feelings are the way you start to own your work is start to own your story so you've got to take that story you've got to start telling that story in a different way right this is the thing that happened we tell this we tell the story of our trauma like this this is the thing that happened and this is you know what it did to me so this is how i i show up in life now okay great tell that story from the end now because you are here and you have conquered your fear of intimacy you want to go there and it's just a little hitch and you're giddy up so tell the story from then hey you know what i am here and i am trying and i'm available and i know i need some love in my life and i know i'm worth it and let me tell you what i had to get over just to get to that point right owning that story that little flip helps you take the next step forward now a lot of things happen in this situation kyle where just that experience will start to bring you right back to the time when you're getting abused right it's a helpless powerless feeling and so a lot of a lot of people will tense up they will start to relive some of those traumatic experiences they will start to see some of those things in their mind have those thoughts and every time or every second or third time it's like that which tells me you also are going to need to do some therapy there on the back end to really go back you never have to go through the gory details of it but just to understand what happened and how you feel about it now and how you felt about it and then because the the takeaway message that abusers give you whether it's physical abuse emotional verbal sexual is that you deserved it and that part just ain't true when should people uh or if people should at all confront their partner about their own abusive history if they feel they want to share that is that something i'm certainly phrasing this question wrong but is that something that they should feel good doing and can they go to somebody and say look i just got to tell you this before we take this any further yeah i think right so we're talking about intimacy right that is that is a level of intimacy um before you go there that's that's an okay conversation to have because the thing about trauma the thing about unhealed trauma is we don't know when it's going to come out you know we we just don't know i i feel comfortable here and i i feel very comfortable being vulnerable and letting you see me but once i'm in that situations and the chemicals in our brain start taking over the dopamine kicks in because i'm excited serotonin kicks in because i'm feeling good all those things well that chemical soup can mirror the chemical soup that was going on during the abuse and it can trick your mind into thinking it's happening all over again even though you know it's not and so i think in order to prepare your partner for who you are right yeah i like i like pre-paving situations to make sure that things go right i don't like driving into the woods without a road there so prepare the situation and it's as simple as hey you know um i've been through some things in the past uh and i think i've pretty i've dealt with them pretty well but i just want you to be aware you know some of that was sexually related or someone was emotionally related and so you know very rarely does it happen now but every now and then some you know something may come tumbling out and i want you to understand it doesn't have anything to do with you right because once you there there are things that happen in relationships that once they're said we can't unhear them and once they are done we can't undo them and so we're in an intimate situation and somebody's experiencing some negative emotion from a horrible thing that happened flashbacks reliving nightmares oh my god i'm i'm looking at my lover but i'm actually seeing my abuse right that if that thing happens you can't undo that once it happens so pre-pave the way so your partner knows what's going on and knows how they should feel and and how they can help you through it right because you're there to help each other feel good and so there may be some things they can do in that situation to help to help you through it as simple as saying if they know that it's a possibility that can happen in that moment now your partner can say hey what do you need me to do right and that one phrase gives you control back and now you feel more comfortable excellent this med circle member asked i have demissive avoided attachment style and i'm currently working on changing it i have the belief that getting too intimate would cause me to lose my identity or get smothered by someone rather than thinking about rejection what are your thoughts about it is the fear of rejection more subconscious since i'm unaware of it oh i love those dismisses avoidance i am a card-carrying member myself right and and so at the heart of being of having a dismissive avoidant attachment style the the core belief is nobody will ever be able to take care of me as well as i can take care of myself so that's the core belief right and so if you're trying to get around that core belief you've got to do two things you've got to get really really good because dismissive avoidance of which i am the king and the president of that group right the thing we are really really good at is avoiding our own emotions and so the first thing you've got to get good at is understanding how you feel right and what you need in this situation to feel better the second thing you've got to do is get really good at asking for it because that's the thing no dismissal we just don't ask we show up we do a million things to make it so and we wait to see are they going to give it back we never ask we never say and it doesn't happen or it doesn't happen in the way that we can receive it and they were like oh i knew it you can't take care of me as well as i can either and then we move on to the next thing so you've got to get good at acknowledging your feelings asking for what you need and then just receiving it just just let it you know just receive it right somebody's presenting you a cupcake take it eat it it's okay so and a cupcake i can i get i can accept a cupcake that's fine but if i show up uh to a an awards a surprise awards banquet for myself oh my gosh i would be like why this is this is a nightmare so is it possible where people are struggling with something much more substantial uh that they can start with accepting their version of a cupcake something small something doable absolutely start with the little things you know for me man it's it's so funny for years i had the toughest time just accepting a compliment hey that's a that's a nice suit you got on oh wow you're really handsome oh wow you know i just i love that i'll be and i would immediately go into downplay oh it's no big deal it's not don't worry because there's an underlying worth issue there right and so accept so great that's a great point if you can't if you can't start with the big things except the little things hey you know what you look you look really great today oh thank you so much no other no explanations you don't see anything else right kyle that's a great shirt you got on buddy thanks let's go to our night right yeah yeah yeah that's how it works it starts with those little things yeah that's that's great we're all guilty of that by the way so today practice that if somebody if you're fortunate enough to get a compliment from somebody just say thanks and move on um this person is saying dr ish i'm so excited to be in the same virtual room with you my question is that i've struggled with emotional intimacy for most of my life i've been with my partner for eight years and we are engaged to be married yet i still have difficulty opening up to my partner even though i see him as safe i consider myself to be an open person with others but not with my partner why is this and what can i do to overcome my fear of vulnerable vulnerability i love this question and i tell i can tell how smart this person is because the key word in there they almost answered their own question i feel safe with my partner right so emotional emotional intimacy emotional vulnerability it's a question of safety how safe do you feel with this person how safe do you feel letting them see all of you and making a decision about whether they're going to accept you into their life or not right so it's a big safety thing and so she has she's she's having a problem with ultimately with vulnerability and so in in any situation when you're trying to when we're looking in her situation it's love and belonging and connection so imagine yourself walking into a room and you can walk into a room full of strangers with one or two goals right on one one goal is you want to walk in and be accepted the other goal is you want to walk in and just be seen so i'm walking into a room and my goal is to be accepted by the people in there then now i am going to create a persona that i think is going to be accepted in that room there are some things i'm going to say that i think they'll like and there's some things i'm not going to say right there's a way i'm going to dress there's a way i'm going to walk there's a way i'm going to talk and act that's where i'm going to shake hands because i want their acceptance but if i'm walking in that room simply to be seen here i am taking a leap right that's a whole different thing um because in the room where i want to be accepted if it doesn't happen now i'm feeling ashamed because i got rejected in the room where i just wanted to be seen whether that acceptance happens or not i'm okay because i did my job which was simply to be seen so when you're approaching your partner approach it from a sense of i just want him to see me that's it i don't i don't need him to accept me uh because i accept all of me i accept me right and i'm just and i just want him to see me fully or i'm assuming so he in this situation i just want them to see me fully and in that instant right there's something cool that happens when the person you're with sees you letting yourself be seen right they they recognize that vulnerability right and now you just move ten steps closer and don't you think we're attracted to it maybe we don't sit there and go i love this vulnerability i'm seeing but we certainly go i don't know what it is but i'm drawn over here right right we are it it's the ultimate aphrodisiac kyle because this they trust me they feel safe with me right they they want to be with me enough to show me all of who they are and they're going to let me make an informed decision right so there's a there's an inherent level of trust and respect that goes with me showing you who i am and we get that on a very cellular unspoken level yeah excellent well if you are joining med circle today for the first time like dr ish's you'll be happy to know that med circle offers three great services and offerings for those who are interested in learning more about mental health we have the only video streaming service for mental health featuring psychologists and psychiatrists like dr ish on a variety of mental health topics you can browse that video library at watch.medcircle.com we do weekly live classes with those same doctors and patients and survivors of mental health you can look at our schedule of upcoming live virtual classes at medcircle.com live and of course it all comes together very nicely in the med circle app it's free to download and comes with lots of free series for you to watch just search med circle in the app store dr ish the next question from this med circle member asks how do you re-parent yourself from a lack of intimacy in childhood yeah that was a great question that's a great question you know our parents show up and they do the best they can with the tools they have um but we show up in adulthood and we just assume that what they taught us was right so the first step to re-parenting is re-questioning okay this is what all right this is what this is this is how dad did it um ask yourself the next question how do i know that was right how do i know that was right this this is what he did that's how it worked out for him worked out pretty good but first of all who taught him that and how do i know they were right right and so re re-parenting means it's uh so again go ahead no re-parenting is like i'm a huge star wars fan and so i i if i can work a luke skywalker or a yoda quote uh into any conversation i will so right yoda said you must unlearn what you have learned and so a lot of re-parenting is just unlearning some of those not so great habits that they taught you in order to make it fit into with your life right uh the thing we do as adults subconsciously that we don't even realize is that we very few of us are really just living for us right we're really living to still kind of make our folks who love us proud and to be to be a shining example of you know what they taught us right 90 percent kyle of the decisions that we all make in life don't care where you're from don't care where you live ninety percent of the decisions we make are based on what other people think uh family friends think about that right family friends loved one every car you bought every house every shirt you you think about what the people are gonna think who watch you in that car in that shirt in that house or in that job where you live who you love isn't that devastating just to think about that yeah my face is because i am so guilty of this i just moved to a new city i'm looking at apartments and the whole time i'm thinking well now if this person comes over what would they think and if my nephew comes over who's three will he have a good time here i'm like right everybody else except what does kyle think right exactly and and to a certain extent that's not a bad thing right because we again think about you can never never forget what's the goal every single day we get up we want to be loved we want to be connected we want to belong and so we should take some of those things into consideration but that shouldn't be the ultimate consideration right the ultimate consideration is how do i feel in this apartment how does kyle feel how does how does ish feel in this space right if i feel good then it also follows that the people who know me who accept me will also feel good for me and they'll feel good while they're here uh so when it comes to re-parenting yourself that's the first step you've got to be courageous enough just to ask the question who taught them that the thing that they taught me and how do i know they were right because if the things you're doing are helping you feel good continue to do it but if it's not now it's time to ask yourself that question but i think a lot of people who want to re-parent they have determined that what their parents did was wrong so they're not asking how do i know this was right they're saying i know what happened was wrong and how do i now reteach myself when i've not had proper examples and mentors in front of me right and so so now you're looking for so now what you're really looking for is authenticity right this is the story i thought i had that that's that made sense but now this story doesn't make sense so now i'm looking to rediscover myself in a more authentic way and so the way to do that is to really number one get in touch with your feelings and the way you get in touch with your feelings is to really get in touch with your story take ownership of that narrative whatever that story is this it doesn't have to be a big wild and wooly story right if you grow you grew up in the burbs and life was pretty good but you kind of you know wake up on most days than not and you just don't feel quite right then own that store and say hey you know what right on that you don't have to water that down for anybody so listen listen you know but on most days life is pretty good but i don't feel quite right and i am on a path to discovering that and so the way to do that is to allow yourself to follow those little gut intuitions that you get during the day then you have that thought that says oh you know what i want to do this because whatever i don't know why but i just something's just telling me to do that thing right that's that's you right that's your intuition talk to you i don't know why but i feel like i want some pasta today do that right because now you're retraining you're re-parenting yourself to be able to do the things that help you feel good and there doesn't have to be a reason for it right this doesn't have to be a reward it doesn't have to be a punishment which is what parenting taught us you can do the thing that helps you feel good simply because you believe you deserve to feel good today well look if y'all don't write that down record it bookmark it save it tweet it text it you got it but here's here's the deal and and i and i don't want to spend too much time on a soapbox but that was so good and your job as a listener as a viewer right now isn't to just hear that and go yeah i guess it was good or maybe it's good or maybe you're sitting there go yeah that was really good but now you've got to go do it later today you've got to remember what dr ish just told you and you have to do it and you have to practice it and when you do later today or tomorrow morning or whenever it happens you need to go good for you you because you just took this and applied it to your life and if you're consistent with those little tiny micro changes that have huge huge big impacts you're going to start seeing how this insight and education changes everything every everything awesome love that so much uh let's go to this question um this met circle member asked what action should we take when we see ourselves pulling away from connecting with somebody okay um so the first asking you should action you should take is you should ask yourself why why why am i doing that you know is there is there something about them that tells me this isn't going to work okay what i i like asking uh i like asking the five why's when i'm trying to figure out anything right so i see my i was connecting with this person but now i feel myself kind of pulling away okay why well maybe you know they show me some things that i don't really like i don't think it's going to work long term okay why well because i need some folks who are more organized or more whatever oh okay why right so if you ask those ask that question five levels deep why why why why why you will get to the answer and so if you're in a situation the the real answer and the real answer 99.999 of the time has everything to do with you and nothing to do with them and so there's a right there's um there's something to learn about yourself in those situations that you walk away from uh and there's usually more to learn about this about yourself in those situations that you walk away from than there are about those situations that we run towards right and so the things the things that we are fearing shape us more than the things that we love and that the things that we aspire to and so if you're in a situation and you feel like yeah i don't i don't know right it's i i don't know and you're walking away it could be there's something negative there or it could be the roadrunner syndrome i don't know how old y'all kyle but i grew up watching bugs bunny right yeah and so i would watch wild e coyote every saturday morning chase running runner up all around the desert and this one time he finally caught the road runner but it was a giant road runner like 10 stories high and he stood there and he held up a sign that said what now right so this is the thing i've been chasing every saturday morning for the last 10 years now i got it now what so a lot of times we will meet that perfect person got everything we want oh my gosh they're you know they're sweet sexy smart funny caring loving vulnerable all of these things now what because if that's who they are what do they want with me oh yikes right so you've got to ask yourself the questions why why am i doing it just know everything you every everything you do in life i want you to know what exactly it is you're doing why you're doing it and how you feel about it right because if you can write the first one so every decision every decision you make in life i want you to know exactly what you're doing why you're doing it and how you feel about it because if if you can tick off those three boxes for every decision you made you can go through life with as little baggage as possible because you have completed the process there's no unfinished emotional business you have about that decision you know what i'm gonna break up with them right wait what exactly am i doing okay yes i'm i am walking away from this relationship this is why and this is how i feel about it now when it's ready for the next relationship i don't have that baggage now the we don't have to have our feelings be good though can't i walk away from the relationship because um because it's unhealthy for me and i deserve more and i feel really scared about doing this but i also feel like it's the right decision so i'm gonna do it anyway right so they're your feelings and you have ownership of those and nobody's got a co-sign on those feelings for you you just got to be aware of what it is so that's a very important point it doesn't have to be a good warm fuzzy you know yara no i'm walking away because i'm terrified know that right yeah just know know what it is and know why you're doing it and now that gives you the next thing to work on personally and so that's that's what you want to do it's good stuff y'all this is good med circle member asked what are the core beliefs of people who have a fear of intimacy yeah that's a great question uh and a very straightforward question very straightforward answer but the core fears of somebody who has a fear of intimacy is that they're not going to get the love they need to be okay okay that's that's the core fear right fear of intimacy says i'm scared to try because i don't think it's really going to work fear of intimacy says i don't want to get too close because if it doesn't work it's going to hurt when i walk away i had you know i had a very old psychotherapy teacher in med school dr kaplan and he would say ish the problem with relationships is by the time you figure out it's not going to work you're already so close that it's going to hurt to break away and so that's the that's the same thing when it comes to the fear of into me so the core belief the paramount core belief is i don't think i'm going to get the love i deserve why well i don't think that they can take care of me as well i can take care of myself really well why well i don't know if they really know who i am and what i need well why i can't really tell you what i really need and want myself about me anyway i have to take something why well because the truth is part of me really doesn't believe i deserve it now you got your answer right so we've all called the thing that i have learned in my nearly 50 years on this planet is that we've all got something we're pretending not to know about ourselves and the second you're able to say that thing out loud it goes from 10 feet tall to 10 inches tall and now you can wrap yourself you can wrap your head and your arms around it yeah yeah everybody right now is thinking what's my thing how did i find out that thing because i mine didn't come to mind quickly and i'm not saying that like i'm over here without 50 how do we identify some of the most critical you're gonna you're gonna identify that thing uh because you're gonna find it repeats itself it shows up in a pattern in your life right maybe it's a pattern in your relationships where they never seem to be quite fulfilling maybe it's a pattern in your professional life or your career where you feel like you know i did everything but still didn't achieve the goal i set out to do right you're going to find it in in one of those one of those areas is where you're going to find it um and so that's what you so pay attention to the patterns right there's the the universe we work we live in doesn't make mistakes and the universe we live in um always leaves clues right think of the billions of stars in our universe billions this galaxy this galaxy this system this subsystem and not once do any of those stars ever collide not once right they have a pattern and they follow that pattern we as children of the universe we have patterns right and our the the the deal was you come here you show up you feel what you feel you love what you love and then you move you progress in life so when that progression doesn't happen naturally now it makes a stop saying okay what what is happening here and i guarantee you if you go back and examine the patterns of some of your biggest disappointments right we've all got we've all had those disappointments some of us have had some huge ones i can't tell you how many times i've fallen out of the sky with no parachute it happens right but if you go back and examine the patterns of those biggest disappointments you will very easily discover what that thing is you're pretending not to know about yourself the thing that you're pretending not to know better so that that's that's on my agenda the rest of the day and uh that's a hard conversation to have with yourself right and you may not figure it out in a day i think exactly couldn't i go to somebody who really knows me and say because i can i can think about three people that i'm close with i go i know the thing that they're pretending not to think about then i ask somebody who's close to me and say tell me like answer this question for me is that cheating that's not that's not cheating that's smart right because again we we tend we tend to know others better than we know ourselves because we can see and we can look at them objectively right and it's super simple i can remember sitting down with uh different friends and there's this thing that's been on my mind for months and i sit down and within five minutes they've given me the answer right because they can see it because they don't have that emotional connection i am emotionally invested in being the best version of myself so i have a selective blindness when it comes to noticing any weakness so if you ask your three best friends three you know folks who are closest to you hey you know what i'm doing this thing and i want you to know you have my permission to be brutally honest with me about this right because they're not going to want to hurt your feelings because they know they love you so first of all if you set it up right hey i want you to be brutally honest don't don't sugarcoat it at all i want to know what is it you think that you know what do you think i may have some blinders on to them i might be pretending not to know and see what they say you'll be amazed and again you're going to pick up on a pattern and it's going to bring you right in right into what you want to know wow this is exciting stuff i love this a lot um let's go to another question uh there's been a similar question that a lot of people have asked so i'm just going to bunch it into this question what can people do if they're in a relationship with somebody or starting a remo a romantic relationship with somebody and that person experiences high levels of fear of rejection or fear of intimacy so how can i support my partner if they're experiencing this type of fear yeah that's that's a good question um so the first thing to understand is you can't fix it for them um and most of us will spend years if not decades of our life trying to fix it for them trying to make it okay for them trying to convince them that this is the thing to do so understand that the biggest thing you can do for them is to make them aware of it right you're the mirror right you reflect it back to them hey you know i it could be me could be something could be nothing but what i think i'm seeing here is is you having a fear of this or you have because nine times out of ten we don't know we're doing it right we just we're kind of showing up and we're on autopilot it was oh you know i like this person but i don't really know when i like this person if it goes south that's really going to hurt so let me keep that wall up keep some distance and a lot of times we don't even realize we're doing it again card carrying member of that group right and so if somebody can simply point it out to you i'll never forget um uh let me know we were in the middle of talking about something it's like a regular kind of thing but we've had maybe a couple of arguments that week right and wait you and who uh me and the person i'm dating okay uh me the person i'm with and we had a couple of arguments that with that week and she looked at me and she just grabbed my hands and she said hey you know i'm on your side here right that you know this doesn't have to be confrontational this doesn't have to be you pulling away this doesn't have to be you right you perfect everything i'm on your side here right and so in that moment she reflected back to me why are we why are we doing this you know and that and that just that helps right there's there's nothing you really can fix for somebody else but you can always make them aware of what they're doing because most of the times we don't know we're doing it yes and did you listen to how dr ish made this hypothetical person aware he didn't say you walk in here with such an attitude all the time right way wrong and at right at some level we know when we're doing it the right way and we know when we're going the wrong way approaching our loved ones is something that we talk about in so many med circle series because it is something that is actually so easy i feel like and we get so caught up in the rigmarole and the emotions of it we make it very difficult and we don't do it that well right um kyle you know what you bring up a very critical point do you know what is the number one question study came out a couple months ago do you know what is the number one question asked in 2020 just to like google just to google just asked by people to other people in america in 2020. the number one question is i don't know you would think number one question is why do you do it that way why don't you do it that way why do you wash those dishes that way what what why do you chew that way why does your fork hit the plate every time that what why do you breathe that why do you sit that way why do you wear your jogging pants right because we've been spending so much time with yourself yeah so it goes like i said it's all about your approach that is a horrible approach but that is the number one question why do you do it that way because you're getting on my nerves right i get that very interesting how can we deal with the core belief that sexual intimacy is bad and dirty um yeah you definitely gotta unlearn some things there um because that that speaks to a larger cultural issue of where of where we are and what we're doing um and for us in this culture when it comes to men and when it comes to women they are two they're two different tracks right uh and so the double standard is real the double standard is there women have been taught that the thing that you really want is is virtue and to be virtuous you have to be pure and this you know and then there's a whole nother spectrum of beliefs about what that purity means but it means well you know one uh one one person you know i'm saving it for marriage and then that you know and that's this whole thing that's why we wear white and that's why it's such a beautiful day and he's the only one or they've been the only one but on the guys you know but for guys it's a whole different thing right it's it's it's notches on your belt it's you know it's attaboys it's pat's on the back right you think about this if a guy let's say 25 30 years old tells some of his guy friends he's only ever been with three women what oh right that's a whole different just but if a woman shows up and and tells a group of guys yeah you know slept with you know five guys but right it's a hope because we have this cultural thing and so the first thing you've got to do is detach yourself from what culture has taught you right because because it's just wrong you are human you have ownership of your body and you have a right to do the things that feels good with your body and you do not have to have anybody else co-sign on that for you and so that is a does it but it's hard and so it's hard to remind yourself that with everything you look and everything you see especially depending on where you live is informing you otherwise so you have to constantly be intentionally reinforming yourself of the truth of who you are which is yeah wait i it is my body and i get to make it feel good regardless of what anybody else thinks because i'm not hurting anybody i'm not forcing or coercing anybody into helping me feel good this is these are mutual decisions i'm making so that's the bigger thing that's a that's a tough fight because it's not just an internal thing unlearning what mom and dad presence taught me or what mom and dad's lack of presence might have taught me right i've also got to fight this larger cultural stereotype that says if i go out and do this thing i am somehow a bad person or a bet in this case a bad woman because women are the ones who get the bad rap on them i understand i understand med circle member asks what are some of the steps you can take to get over someone you are in love with who does not feel the same way about you please answer this question oh i want to know the answer to this question oh oh but first of all i have been there and i am i i hate that you are there right now because i have been there and i know i know how that feels it is misery the worst feeling in the world is coming to realize that the person you want doesn't want you back oh god all right this this right it makes my skin crawl just saying it out loud right and so again okay well how do you how do you do that there are some very concrete steps you can do to get past that right if we know that this is not happening there's some concrete things you can do to compassionately detach number one just do that no contact cannot have any contact do not text them and if they text you don't even read it just just don't because you're moving on right you've made a decision that this isn't working and i'm moving on okay so now that word decide means the literal definition means to turn away from i am turning away from this relationship because there's not the love i need there and so i'm going to do this other thing so now we're not going to have any contact we're not going to meet up we're not going to have coffee we're not going to skype i'm not even going to return to texas i need that i need that space i need that emotional space and sometimes i mean i need some physical space now second thing you got to do kyle is you've got to if you're going to take the island you got to burn boats so if you've got some stuff lying around the house those mementos those reminders those old pictures a a sweatshirt they wore the whole tower there get rid of it get rid of it you've got to put it in a box and if you're not ready to throw it all the way the way then you go find your best friend your best family member you put in a box you say here take this right just put it under your bed put in your closet if i need it from you i'll i'll let you know but for now i need it out of my sight the thing that keeps you stuck one of the things that keeps you coming back more than anything else more than the memories is your smell right and so if you're eating something that you guys a favorite meal that smell brings you back it's like oh i remember the last time i had this we were at that outdoor cafe and gazing into each other's eyes and the sun was was setting just right and now you're right back in it so if you got an old sweatshirt old perfume whatever those things that tie you with a sense of smell get rid of it and then the third step the third step is really doing your superman thing and going to your fortress of solitude right you've got to spend some time alone you've got to spend some time learning how to give yourself those things you weren't getting in that relationship right you've got a sp right yes absolutely you got to spend some time learning how to enjoy your own company because if i don't enjoy my own company why should i expect anybody else to that's right and you're always with yourself rupaul when he says if you can't love yourself how in the hell you're going to love somebody else that is it right that's that's it it's not an oversimplification it's so true i can't give you something that i don't have right i just i just can't you got some some experts out there who say well you know it's it's so cliche we need to get that no that that is the simple truth like right now right now kyle you know what i want more than anything in this world right now i want a watermelon can you please give me one sir i can why you know what it is you've seen a watermelon i'm sure you tasted it before please we're friends give me one why why would you not do that i would if i could i just can't i'm not with you and you probably don't have one in your refrigerator right now no i don't right so you can't give it to me right no we know right we all know what these things are but unless we have it in abundance for ourselves we just can't give it and so that's the that's the rub uh but getting over that breakup so now so those are the three action steps you can take right yep cut cut the contact remove all mementos and then get some get some alone time but now to understand it right we all we will understand okay what what am i doing why am i doing this how do i feel about it let's understand it why why do i love this person who doesn't love me back well because right well because i've been single for a long time and i you know and i was just tired of being alone okay great why why were you tired of being alone well because when i'm alone i just i'm bored but go ask yourself those five whys right well if i'm alone i start to have you know some thoughts and i don't really like some things i think about myself oh why why is that well because when i really think about who i am i feel like there's a lot of things that i still need to do and a lot of things i need to brush up to be more you know more to show up more fully in my life in order to get those things and if those things don't happen if that doesn't happen then what well if those things don't happen that means i probably don't really deserve to be loved like that right and now you just figured out why it is you're stuck on somebody who ain't stuck on you um y'all that do not confuse the simplicity of that questioning with uh easiness of execution right it can take some time some interesting thought i mean this might be a deal where you leave your phone at home and you take a walk by yourself yes think about that because this this is simple which is great right application can really lead you down a path but try it why not try it this is right great stuff let's try it just try it the easiest the easiest things the hardest things to do in life are also the very the most simple yeah i agree just because because life has taught us that we have to hustle for our worthiness and if we're not out here hustling for it then it must not be worth it if you are not suffering you're not working hard right yeah if you're not suffering if you're not exhausted trying to over produce if you're not going on a lack of sleep if you're not having to gown gallons of coffee then whatever you're doing is not worth it therefore what right so we've been taught that we gotta hustle for this thing and what i'm telling you is no you don't you made it you made it here hustle over right love it love it on on facebook and youtube leave some love for dr ish please i would love for you to come back i mean you are coming back uh for your second part of this of the class that class will be 90 minutes long you can register at medcircle.com live for dr ish uh also look into a med circle free trial you get a whole week free access to all of our services and offerings learn more at medcircle.com dr ish where can everyone find you well i'm easy to find man just go to the website doctorishmaj.com d-r-i-s-h-m-a-j-o-r.com got a lot of really cool free stuff um i give away there got the i think i got like a top 20 question and answers most often asked questions and answers there i've got a really cool compatibility quiz that i do for couples for every couple who comes on our show on marriage boot camp i give them all all our celebrity couples this compatibility because because i just really want to know do y'all match or not right and so it's uh it's a lot of those questions there kyle that we don't ask each other when we're getting to know each other because we don't really want to know the answer because if i get the truth of it then that means we may not be as close as possible like about child reading about finances what do you feel about your health how are we going to handle family and friends so you can download that for free um and that folks have a really good time with that and we got to take home boot camp which we kind of go over those six relationship killers when it comes to communication sex trust forgiveness blame all those things that you get your relationship off track and kind of go week by week through that so it's uh some really cool stuff happening then obviously follow me on instagram follow me on facebook and twitter he's got a great instagram yes excellent you we will include as many of those links as we can below these videos and do not let this momentum leave you keep it going with your next step to register for dr ish's next class again medcircle.com live there are lots of other classes you can register for as well if the topic is of interest to you thank you for being here and remember whatever you're going through you got this

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 138,322

Keywords: fear of intimacy, intimacy, relationships, intimacy issues, love, self help, relationship advice, fear of commitment, fear, psychology, relationship, abandonment issues, fear of abandonment, mental illness, mental health, intimate relationship, dating, emotions, psych2go, therapy, the school of life, vulnerability, fear of rejection, self, anxiety, recovery, kati morton, vulnerable, therapist, marriage, intimate, help, tedx talks, attachment styles, trust issues, falling in love, medcircle, sex

Id: G0mEwMhYRPY

Length: 55min 56sec (3356 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 10 2020