Codependency, Addiction and Insecure Attachment: What is the Connection?

CEUs can be found for this presentation at CoD-CEU hey there everybody and welcome to  this presentation on codependency  an addictive behavior resulting from insecure  attachment i'm your host dr donnelly snipes in this presentation we're going to start out  by defining attachment and codependency and   then we'll explore codependency as a consequence  of insecure attachment we will also discuss ways   codependency might also be conceptualized as a  person or a relationship addiction and then finish   out by starting to identify a few strategies  for people to begin recovering from codependency codependency is often regarded as a  consequence of being in a relationship   with someone with an addiction sometimes  it's thought of as being an addiction itself   in which the relationship is what needs to be  abstained from and other times it's thought of   as just somebody who has poor relationship skills  and i really want to ch challenge all of those   and kind of put a big bow on it and say  yes there's elements of all of those things   that may exist but being in a relationship with  a person with an addiction is not necessary   in order to develop a pattern of codependent  relationships presentation is going to   challenge you to look at codependency as  a symptom of insecure attachment stemming   often from childhood trauma that we commonly  call aces or adverse childhood experiences so what is attachment attachment describes  the quality of the relationship between people   and when we're little we are supposed to develop  a secure attachment with our primary caregivers   these are the people who are supposed to feed  us when we're hungry give us a blanket when we   are cold keep us safe when we're scared they're  the people that are supposed to as we get older   help us learn to identify our emotions  tolerate that distress cope with the distress   develop perspective taking skills and the  ability to empathize with other people   communicate how we feel and what our wants and  needs are set health healthy boundaries and   develop self-esteem now that's a lot of stuff so  if somebody doesn't have a secure attachment in   infancy and childhood they are often left  scrambling to try to develop these skills   but as some people often say you don't know what  you don't know people don't know that they're they   have low emotional intelligence unless somebody's  presented the concept of emotional intelligence to   them so a lot of people who grew up in these  environments in which the caregivers were   struggling with mental health problems  or addiction issues or maybe even   environmental issues like uh poverty that  so they were working two jobs and they had   difficulty being present when they were home they  were just so freaking exhausted all the time we   want to look at those things and i do want to  underscore that adverse childhood experiences   are not intentional a parent doesn't think  to themselves hey i want to be emotionally   unavailable unavailable to my kid most parents  don't have children and go you know what you   bother me go away you know most parents want  to engage with their children when they can   so a lot of adverse childhood experiences and  trauma is the result of parents who or caregivers   who were ill-equipped or unable or overwhelmed  in some way insecure attachment is what results   if you don't have secure attachment you  have insecure attachment and there are   basically three styles of insecure attachment the  anxious attachment this is the child or the adult   who is terrified of being alone terrified of  abandonment and is always on the lookout for   are you going to abandon me they they desperately  want to be in relationships they desperately crave   that closeness but they also desperately fear  losing it so they are constantly on guard and   that's exhausting then you have avoidant  attachment and this is the person who grew   up to recognize or to believe that nobody can  be trusted and it's not even worth investing   emotional energy in other people i don't i just  don't even have time i don't want to be around you   because you're going to leave me i know you  will disappoint me i know you will let me down   so i just don't even want anything to do with  it you're not useful to me so these are two   different approaches to reacting to caregivers  who are unable to meet a child's needs   now the third type is a combination and this is  the person who vacillates between um i love you   and i need to be around you and please don't  leave me to go away and the anxious avoidant   subtype is often prevalent in people who've  experienced trauma they get angry they get   overwhelmed and then they start to shut down and  then because it's so overwhelming they can't deal   with you so they become avoidant when they've  gotten re-regulated then they start craving that   closeness again they start fearing being alone  again and they start the cycle again and this is   a very common pattern in people who have complex  ptsd and or borderline personality disorder so what is addiction addiction is the continued  use of a substance or activity to escape   numb or self-medicate emotional or physical  pain despite problems in one or more areas   of living as a result of use so let's dissect  that a little bit to escape you know when people   drink alcohol or use other substances when  people gamble they're often trying to escape   life they're trying to get a break from it  and focus their attention somewhere else   numbing is another function of some substances  because it just stops them from feeling for a   little while and self-medication and this is  what we see a lot with a lot of addictions   and it's a little bit different than escaping  or numbing because this the addiction itself is   actually fulfilling a purpose of causing the brain  to secrete uh neurotransmitters that the person is   lacking so to speak so self-medication is using  a substance because the person needs to feel less anxious so it helps them feel connected  may cause in codependency it may cause the   secretion of dopamine and oxytocin which  are chemicals in our body that prompt connectedness and closeness so what is codependency codependency describes  a type of relationship in which one partner   defines their worth or goodness based on  someone else i am good as long as i am a good   mother as long as i am a good spouse as long  as i am a good whatever then i am okay as long   as i am so and so such and such i am okay i'm  not okay if i'm just me i don't know who i am   the person often chooses relationships in  which the other person needs to be rescued   why well if i get into a relationship with  somebody who needs to be rescued who needs to be   taken care of there's a lot less chance that they  are going to abandon me therefore and they need me   and that need is shown through through gratitude  sometimes but that when that person responds in   a positive way to me caretaking them it causes  the release of dopamine oxytocin serotonin all   a bunch of feel-good chemicals that say okay  i'm safe i'm loved i'm okay for the minute   some people call this getting in relationships  where you need to care take somebody   negative control because you're determining  someone else's reality for your own comfort   you are telling them what they should do you are  shaping their world in order to make you look good now in addiction so we're going to start  looking at codependent relationships as   an addictive behavior in an addiction  there's the possibility of developing   tolerance needing more of the same substance  or activity in order to get the same   feeling and in a codependent relationship as time  passes the person's identity becomes increasingly   defined by the relationship with the other person  when you first meet your future spouse you are   two relatively independent people but  as the person with codependency spends   time with the with their partner they  slowly start to morph and somewhat merge   to become almost a an offshoot of that person  they are no longer sally they are joe's wife   withdrawal means not getting the subs not um  getting the substance or being around the person   results in physical or psychological distress when  apart from or unable to control the other person   the person with codependency experiences  extreme anxiety and depression   well they got into a relationship  with somebody who they knew   needed them and they in order to feel like  they're okay in order to feel like they're   safe in order to feel like they are not going  to be abandoned they need to be needed if that   other person doesn't need them then they start  becoming terrified of rejection and abandonment thinking more about codependency is an  addiction we look at you know in addictions   we have continued use of the person or activity to  cope with distress despite negative consequences   and we see this in codependent relationships but  how might this emerge from insecure attachment   the person who is insecurely attached and and in  this case we're talking about anxious attachment   is so terrified of abandonment they are they  feel so ill-equipped to handle life they feel so   unlovable for who they are that they  feel like they need to continue to be   in that relationship because that that  relationship gives them breath it gives   them life even if that relationship causes  problems at least it allows them to exist   and this can get really challenging in  codependent relationships because the relationship may be so destructive that the person with codependency may actually their  their persona may actually really stop existing   but they are so terrified of being alone that  they continue there's a persistent desire to   cut down or control codependent behaviors  controlling the desire to control is really   difficult and the person with codependency may  want to stop trying to micromanage and control   the person they're in a relationship or  the people they're in relationships with   but they have difficulty doing it because as soon  as they stop trying to control other people they   feel like they are terribly out of control  themselves think back to insecure attachment   if a child's growing up and they have  no guidance or they have extremely harsh   guidance and they can't do anything right they  feel like their world is out of control now they   finally got into a place where they feel like  they've got control of something and it's like   okay maybe i can breathe for a minute but is  this the healthiest place to be so children   who don't have a secure attachment feel out of  control they feel overwhelmed by their emotions   they feel overwhelmed by life because they don't  have anybody guiding them helping the helping them   develop the tools to handle life on life's terms  so when they become adults they're looking for   a surrogate person that can step in and  sort of do it for them a lot of times   by the same token they need to feel like  they're in control of that person because   they don't want that person to leave more  time than anticipated is spent thinking   about engaging in or recovering in this case  from the relationship well in codependency many times the relationship  is with someone who needs   help who is struggling with their own  depression addiction something else and   as a result the person with codependency is  constantly being called upon to do things they   are constantly worried about if it's if they're  in a relationship with a person with an addiction   is jim bob going to relapse is this going to  happen are they going to be be home safe so   they're constantly thinking about that other  person and wondering if that other person is   doing what they're supposed to be doing um and  they're also spending a lot of time covering up   for when that person doesn't do the right thing  covering up for it and making excuses for it and   then recovering from the shame from the anger that  the person didn't behave from the um exhaustion   from constantly wondering constantly worrying and  constantly covering up and trying to fix things as   a result of all of this you can imagine it's time  consuming so significant events and activities   are given up or minimized and there's often a  failure to fulfill other major role obligations   because the person with codependency is so focused  on this relationship that they can't focus at work   they can't focus on their hobbies they can't  focus maybe even on their kids because they are   so concerned about this and consumed with this  other relationship and terrified of losing it   back to insecure attachment we have this child who  can't exist on their own they're six months five   years even 10 years old they can't exist on their  own they're dependent on their caregivers who are   not consistently there and responsive for them so  they are they feel terrified and then they finally   get into a place where they think okay well  this person might stick around and be attentive   so i need to make sure that they they stick  around and i need to invest all my energy   because maybe if i work a little bit harder  then they this this person won't leave me think about it in what areas does codependency  cause problems for the person physically   we often see a lot of physical ailments in people  with codependency because it causes so much stress   they're not sleeping well they're not eating well  because of the stress their immune system is often   out of whack they have high levels of cortisol  which ends up throwing them the immune system   out of whack it can trigger autoimmune issues it  triggers pain there's a lot of physiological stuff   that happens when people are under constant  or chronic stress affectively people who are codependent often have emotions that are all over  the place they have this underlying current of   anxiety that they're going to be abandoned  but that is punctuated by bursts of anger   when somebody when the person doesn't do what  they're supposed to do or depression when they   feel like they can't control the other person  they can't fix it they feel helpless there's   very rarely time for feelings of happiness and  contentment and those things that we want to feel   cognitively the person with codependency because  they are in this negative mood state so often   because they are not sleeping well and which  impairs our ability our cognitive functioning in   and of itself they often probably have difficulty  with problem solving and they tend to focus and   this is what our brain does when we're in a  negative mood state we tend to focus on the   threats in the environment and interpret things in  a negative light so we see the glass as half empty   if somebody does something we see the or we expect  the most nefarious interpretation of it as opposed   to the most benign and interpersonally when people  are in codependent relationships there's almost   always a power struggle between them  and the person that they are rescuing   but it also impairs other relationships because  their friends their family may be able to see   how unhealthy this relationship is but the  person who is who's codependent is so afraid   to let it go doesn't trust these other people so  they end up pushing others away because they're   trying to maintain this relationship as well as  maintain the facade that everything's perfect what does recovery look like well the first step  for people who are codependent is to recognize   that they probably are doing this out of  a place of fear and terror and we need to   understand where that's coming from but these  experiences that caused that the injuries from   others often resulted from other people's need to  take care of themselves not a desire to hurt them   their parents didn't have a desire to hurt them  or their caregivers their caregivers were unable   to cope with life on life's terms and as a  result the child did not get their needs met   they need to recognize their behav their  current behaviors as a creative way of   surviving unmanageable pain and distress  think about children when they get upset   they may get feel overwhelmed by their emotions  and in a healthy relationship the caregiver will   pull the child aside and you know help  them breathe breathe with mommy for a   minute and let's talk about what's going on  or let's go on a walk for a minute so you can   calm down and then we'll talk  about what's going on in a dysfunctional relationship the caregiver can't  be counted on to do that so the child doesn't   have good models for how to handle distress  they don't have somebody there to help them   deal with all of these experiences that they've  never had before and have no idea how to cope with and the person needs to identify the functions  of their particular codependent behaviors and   alternate ways to meet those needs so let's look  at some of those behaviors that might come up people with addictions as well as to chemicals  to other activities as well as people with   codependency um often have a lot of these  traits in common low self-esteem is a big one   the low self-esteem can appear as worthlessness  and this is what we typically interpret as low   self-esteem a person doesn't feel good about  themselves so they try to make themselves lovable   through what they do and they rely on other  people for external validation because they   can't look in the mirror and say i'm i'm of value  so that is our traditional view of low self-esteem   but then you also have this other category of  people with low self-esteem who often grew up in   environments that were highly critical and they  were taught that love was based on conditions   they weren't loved for who they were they  were loved for how they look who they knew   or what they what they did so they grew up into  adults who are constantly flaunting this you know   don't look don't look behind the curtain  because i'm not lovable for who i am but   look at all these things that i do look at how  wonderful i am see this is why i'm worthy of love   instead of believing that they're  worthy of love so grandiosity   sometimes can be a way of veiling  or protecting a person with low self-esteem how does that come from insecure  attachment well the characteristics of insecu   of secure attachment are consistency you know  the caregiver is there if the child needs them   the caregiver's there and it's not you know maybe  the caregiver will show up they're consistent um   and if the caregiver themselves can't be there  they make sure that somebody else who can meet   that need is there there's a surrogate so and  and i recognize that many families parents work   long hours sometimes two jobs and they have  babysitters or daycare or something else that   um where there's a surrogate in place and that's  fine as long as there is a caregiver there that   is going to meet the child's needs as long as the  child trusts that where my primary caregiver puts   me you know if it's daycare or school or grandma's  house or wherever it's going to be a safe place   so consistency being consistent being there  is only half of the battle responsiveness is   the next part the caregiver needs to be able to  respond to the child's needs if they're hungry if   they're cold if they're scared if they're angry  respond in a developmentally appropriate way   to help the child cope with whatever's going on to  help them feel safe and not completely overwhelmed the next part of secure attachment is attention  and attention is not just being responsive   responsive is in this mnemonic is being  there when the child is feeling distress   attention is proactive time spent with the child  saying i value you as a person i'm curious about   what you're interested in i want to spend time  with you not because i have to because i want to   and in so many cases children don't get this from  their caregivers their caregivers do the very best   to put food on the table a roof over their  head but when it comes to spending positive   proactive time together uh that  kind of falls through the cracks v stands for validation in a secure relationship  the caregiver validates how the child feels even   if they don't agree i mean as caregivers  we've had many more years on this earth   than our five-year-old so we may not see what  they're getting upset about as a big deal or   agree with their perspective but we validate  how they're feeling we help them identify that   emotion you're feeling angry now and from there  we can start talking about it but when the child   when the caregiver validates the child's feeling  it helps the child learn to identify that emotion   and then learn okay when i feel this emotion  what do i do next e stands for encouragement   you know a caregiver needs to encourage the child  to take risks to step outside of the comfort zone   to be there and go you got this and then s  stands for safety and in a secure attachment   the caregiver is there and welcoming the child  back if the child fails if the child falters the   child gets scared they can come back to this safe  home base and this safe home base is one that is   accepting and loving and nurturing of the child  it the environment the caregivers may not always   approve of the child's behaviors but it's always  embracing the child so that mnemonic spells craves   consistency responsiveness attention validation  encouragement and safety so this is what children   need and if they don't get this then they start  feeling incapable to handle their own emotions   and this when they when they feel incapable of  handling their own emotions and they act out they   may get criticized they may get ridiculed which  lowers their self-esteem when they have problems   they may feel un incapable of handling them and  again receive criticism or fail maybe they don't   ask for help because they don't trust anybody  to be there to help them and so they fail which   impairs their self-esteem because there's nobody  there to say all right let's learn from this   and then just the simple fact of children  gain a sense of self-esteem when their   caregivers and other people want to spend  time with them and if that doesn't happen   if the caregiver is too exhausted too  overwhelmed too depressed too drunk then   the child starts wondering you know  what's wrong with me why doesn't   my caregiver want to spend time with me i  can't trust my caregiver to be there for me   all of these things negatively impact self-esteem  a need for validation and admiration by other   people is often a side effect of a low self-esteem  because the person can't look in the mirror and go   i am a person of value they  look in the mirror and go   i hope somebody will love me i hope somebody  sees that i can be useful to them in some way   and that's that's a very different perspective  so they are needing other people to validate   them and say you know what you are useful i do  need you in order to feel okay about themselves   people who are codependent often value  other people's approval of their thinking   feelings and behaviors over their own so  what do i mean by that i mean people who   have codependency very often are like chameleons  instead of saying these are my opinions they say   you know your opinions are more important  than mine you're right you're more right   than i am so whatever i think must be wrong and  i am going to cherish and value your opinion   and put you up on this pedestal how does that stem  from or how can that stem from insecure attachment   well in that those initial relationships  if the child or person learn to   appease their caregiver learn that okay things  can go okay i can be safe and i might even get   a little bit of attention if i shower my caregiver  with praise and i don't disagree and i don't argue   then guess what they're going to continue to do  that in adult life in order to avoid abandonment   poor boundaries and we see this and this  kind of goes back to the anxious or avoidant   attachment style but poor boundaries are also a  characteristic of codependency when people feel   terrified they may have no boundaries at all if  they feel terrified of abandonment they may say   i have no boundaries at all you tell me what  to think you tell me how to feel you tell me   whatever you want as long as you don't leave  me or they may shut off completely and say   this hurts right now and i can't  trust you so you need to go away   and and it's important to remember that  people who've experienced trauma as   children who didn't learn how to cope with  emotions are often walking this tightrope   where they never really feel safe and any  misstep they they feel like they're going to   fall so they're they're treading lightly on this  tightrope but if they start to fall then they are   going to react really strongly oftentimes pushing  other people away but sometimes bringing them do   it doing things to try to bring them closer  or guilt them or shame them into coming back now how do how can these be addictive behaviors  as well as i mentioned a lot of times codependency   or codependent behaviors prompt a surge  of norepinephrine and adrenaline which   you know gives us energy dopamine as well  as oxytocin and all of those chemicals   kind of combine into this feel-good soup where  the person with codependency may for a moment   feel okay they may feel for a moment feel even  maybe good and this is kind of at the heart of   addictions where people are using a substance or  activity to try to get those neurotransmitters   to flow they're trying to feel better and  they don't know any other way to do it people with addictions as well as uh codependency  often are terrified of abandonment and i've talked   about that a bunch of times and when  people experience abandonment anxiety   there are four typical reactions fight flee  fawn or freeze so let's look at fight first in   a codependent relationship when someone starts  feeling like the they're going to be abandoned   they may start becoming more critical more angry  more agitated more controlling of the other person   that's the fight mechanism you know i'll get you  back in line and to make sure that you need me and   you don't leave me flee is the opposite and this  is when the person with codependency says i just   i don't know what to do with you anymore and many  times flee is almost a passive aggressive behavior   because in their mind they're thinking you can't  live without me so if i flee then you're going to   pursue me you're going to chase me fawn is when  people start feeling anxious feeling threatened   that they're going to be abandoned or hurt in  some way they may fawn over the other person   i'll do whatever you want just please don't  leave me i'll change i'll do it so there's   this period where they're trying to appease the  other person instead of control them and finally   freeze in a codependent relationship uh sometimes  the person with codependency will just shut down   they don't know what to do this time so they will  shut down they will wall off and this is kind of   similar to flea when um and a lot of times people  with codependency are thinking that the other   person will come pursue them but when they're  in that freeze mode they're shutting down and   and sometimes they just wall off because they're  recognizing that this relationship is exhausting   um and they're terrified to let it go and thinking  of addiction when somebody is thinking about   going into treatment they get to the point where  they're sick and tired of being sick and tired   but they don't know how to stop  they don't have the tools to do   deal with life on life's terms because they got  a lot of stuff they got to deal with so they just   freeze kind of like a deer in headlights going  oh crap what do i do how do i get out of this the relationship the codependent  relationship often comforts   and numbs that abandonment anxiety if the person  in the codependent relationship feels confident   that the the other person needs them that  the other person can't live without them then   it helps them feel less anxious  because they feel like they've got that parental figure caregiver figure that they never  had that they can call on they're never going to   be alone the relationship becomes the primary  focus and they start minimizing denying and   blaming other people to protect the relationship  they start making excuses for the other person's   behavior whether it's because they're calling in  sick or they've spent through their kids college   account or their kid they didn't show up to their  kids soccer game whatever it is that that person   is doing as a result of whatever's going on  with them their depression their anxiety their   their addiction the the person with codependency  is there to make excuses and cover it up and   say nothing to see here you know we should make  sure that we recognize there's nothing going on   you know i'm gonna deny it or i'm gonna blame  if you wouldn't be so demanding on john then   it wouldn't be so overwhelming for him to come  so he can't come but it's your fault that he   can't come because you um overwhelmed him you  wore him out you triggered him to go use again   stinking thinking becomes the norm and  this goes back to those cognitive problems   and again this is a behavior we see  in people with addictions a lot their   life often becomes one of all or nothing i'm  loved or i'm hated i'm safe or i'm not safe so the rest of their thinking tends to become  very polarized and there's a lot of every time   i do this this happens or you never do this and  and stinking thinking is a cognitive reaction   to threat remember i said when we feel  stressed when we're in a dysphoric mood   we tend to notice the threats and we tend to  interpret or perceive things in the environment   the most nefarious way possible and that makes  us feel even more unsafe in our environment   which promotes more anxiety which promotes an even  darker view of the world people's intentions etc   stinking thinking is a big area  for adjustment in a lot of people   and it's not just addictions we see this in  people with depression anxiety and anger too people with codependency and addiction many times  have difficulty identifying and expressing their   reality they grew up not having any models not  having anybody help them develop their emotional   intelligence their ability to identify and  regulate their emotions they never had anybody   help them develop their communication skills and  learn how to assertively state what they feel   and they never had anybody help them feel like it  was safe to they never had anybody validate them   and say you know what it's safe to tell me  your reality i may not agree with it but   it's safe to tell me your reality and there's  not going to be mega negative repercussions   so for a lot of different reasons people who are  codependent often have difficulty even putting   it identifying or putting into words what they're  experiencing but even if they do even if they do   know what they're experiencing many times they're  too afraid to even say it for fear of rejection   people with addictions often spend so many years   numbing their feelings because they don't know how  to identify them or regulate them that they have   this same problem where they don't even know what  they feel anymore what they want because they are   they've been out of touch  with themselves for so long difficulty identifying and guilt about  meeting their adult wants and needs is   another characteristic especially prominent in  people with codependency because when you've   got low self-esteem a lot of times you don't feel  like you're worthy of love and taking care of your   needs is an act of love and if you don't feel like  you're a worthwhile person then it you may feel   guilty taking time out to take care of yourself  especially taking care of needs beyond the basic   food shelter that sort of thing a lot of people  with who are in codependent relationships   forego sleep and other things in order to focus  on maintain manipulate the relationship and   they feel guilty if they are taking time out for  themselves they don't feel like they deserve it people in codependent relationships often  experience emotional dysregulation because   they were never taught how to regulate  their emotions for one so from the from jump   they weren't taught to identify their  emotion and how to deal with it but   when people are experienced are are  exposed to chronic stress and trauma   there are brain changes actual structural  changes in the brain and the wiring if you will   that promote emotional dysregulation  it promotes hyper vigilance i'm going   to be hyper aware of what's going on constantly  scanning for threats well that's exhausting and the person who is constantly scanning for  threats may see those and may feel overwhelmed   when they're constantly scanning for threats when  they're constantly dealing with distressful things   they see it is keeping their fight or flight  system hyper activated at a certain point   the body itself and the brain changes structure  and the body itself starts shutting down and   the the fight or flight system and says we can't  be this hyped up this stressed out this hyper   vigilant for this long so we're not going to  trigger that fight-or-flight response unless   something major happens so the person goes into  this place where they're feeling kind of flat   which may almost feel safe for them for a period  of time because at least they're not overwhelmed   but then when something does happen they have a  tsunami of neurotransmitters that are secreted and   they react in a strong way so you have people who  are hyper vigilant highly sensitive um constantly   perceiving threats in their environment there's  changes in the brain that actually promote or   cause the neurochemical reaction that we see  as emotional dysregulation can it be fixed fixed to a large part yes as  the person starts learning to   identify their triggers and regulate  their emotions and starts to feel   safe and they're not hyper vigilant  anymore that hpa axis will retune people with codependency often experience a lot of  depression anxiety anger and resentment well anger   anxiety and resentment are all part of that fight  or flight response and when they start feeling   hopeless to change it when they start feeling  like you know i'm all i can't be anxious like   this anymore i'm exhausted then they may move into  this place where they feel helpless hopeless and   depressed we already talked about hyper vigilance  now interestingly people who are codependent   um and people who have addictions often lack  empathy for the feelings and needs of others why   is that well in codependency as well as in some  people who end up developing chemical addictions   they didn't learn the skill of empathy they didn't  have anybody saying well what do you think how do   you think johnny felt when that happened empathy  is a learned skill but we have a little bit of it   but in order to really become fully empathetic  we need to hone that skill and practice it but   aside from that the person with codependency or  addiction is often so overwhelmed by life and   all the crap going on and the terror of being  abandoned or the terror of the pain returning   they don't have any energy left to empathize with  anybody else let's just face it they are trying to   keep their head above water and it's not that they  don't want to empathize with others or they don't   care about others but they are so completely  paralyzed and overwhelmed with their own   stuff that they just don't have it in them  they don't have a breath to focus on it   people with codependency often need to  be in control and we've talked about   that they weren't in control when they were  younger they weren't in control of their bodies   you know they get emotionally overwhelmed they  start throwing a tantrum they didn't know how to   regulate they never learned how to  regulate they weren't in control of   their parents they couldn't get their parents  to respond in nurturing ways so as adults   they are trying as hard as they can to create an  environment that's safe that's all they're doing   they're trying to create a sense of safety  they may have difficulty admitting mistakes   well mistakes mean you're wrong and meaning  you're wrong may mean rejection so that can be   really threatening for anybody let alone somebody  with low self-esteem and fears of abandonment they may be unable to identify or  ask for what they need and want   and we talked about this a little bit earlier and  in treatment it's really important to help people   start understanding you know what is the  function of this behavior when you try to control   your significant other what is the function of  that why do you need to try to control them why   what is prompting this behavior what would happen  if you didn't what does that feel like and where   do those feelings come from and how can we what  what tools can you develop to cope with those   feelings that that are different than trying to  control your significant other when you're going   through a day and mindfulness is one of the first  skills that i have a lot of people develop whether   they're recovering from addictions or depression  or codependency because it's so important to be   able to develop this secure attachment with  yourself be consistent with yourself you   know be there show up be mindful of you know  checking in on what's going on be responsive to   your needs once you've actually checked in and  figured out what your needs are be responsive   validate your needs provide encouragement for  yourself and create safety when a person starts   being able to do that for themselves then  they stop relying on others to do it for them   they stop being afraid of being abandoned  and being helpless like that little child was   a lot of people with codependency have trouble  setting healthy priorities and boundaries   because again they're so afraid that  if i set a boundary i'll be rejected or   i'll be abandoned that they have these wide  open boundaries i'll do whatever you want   once the person has started develop mindfulness  and a secure relationship with themselves   starting to identify what their needs and  wants are then helping them learn how to   communicate those wants and  needs and set boundaries   if they don't have the energy to do something  how can they assertively communicate that they   may have difficulty making decisions and a lot of  this is due to fear of making somebody else angry they often grew up in environments where there  wasn't anybody there to help them make decisions   or figure out what the right decision was  so simple decision making practice can also   be helpful and figuring out the motivations are  you making this decision because it's the right   decision for you or are you making this decision  because you fear rejection abandonment criticism   whatever people with codependency when  they do identify their needs often demand   that their needs are met by others and  because they can't meet their own needs   we're often seeing the emergence if you will of  the inner child that didn't have that primary   secure attachment so the person is acting more  like a toddler than an adult they're demanding   that their needs be met because they think well  maybe if i demand then this will work for me   maybe if i demand that you do whatever i  tell you to do you know controlling then   you won't abandon me then i'll  get my needs met then i'll be safe   a lot of times people who are codependent  believe that others are incapable of self-care   and they've convinced themselves of this because  if they believe that their significant other is   capable of self-care then their significant  other may not need them so in my mind if i'm   codependent i need to believe that this person  can't do it on their own and they need me   so back to that secure insecure attachment again  as children they were incapable of self-care   and they're projecting that wounded  inner child that's incapable of self-care   they're projecting that onto their significant  others they're trying to nurture sometimes   they may be trying to nurture that wounded  inner child via trying to nurture a   the person they're in a relationship with they  may try to convince others what to think or feel   and often offer often offer  unsolicited advice and direction again   going back how is this a replication or a  manifestation of what the child went through   because of their insecure attachment they may  have wanted advice when they were younger they   may still want advice because they haven't learned  how to cope with life or solve problems and that's   something that they want so they're assuming  other people want it and they are providing   that to them they often have difficulty knowing  how they think or feel so they try to convince   others how to think or feel because in a way they  may want that back they want somebody to tell them   what am i feeling right now so they assume  since they want it other people must want it too they may become resentful when their help is  rejected and use blame and shame to control   resentment is a form of anger anger is a reaction  to threat so when their health is rejected   they feel they start feeling scared they start  feeling threatened probably of abandonment   so they drop back and punt and they get angry so  they start using blame and shame to try to pull   the person back in to into line so they won't  abandon them on the other hand they may lavish   gifts favors or sexual attention on those  they want to influence they may do whatever   and this is the fawn that we talked about in a  relationship a person who's codependent figures   out what buttons to push in order to be able to  manipulate the other person in the relationship interventions it's important to identify the  functions of each of the person's behaviors   and the alternatives so what is motivating  you to act this way whatever the behavior is   and what function does it serve how does it  help you feel safe loved content whatever   and then what is another way that you could feel  safe loved and content besides having to engage   in this unhealthy behavior they need  to admit powerlessness over others   as well as the overwhelming feelings the  unhealthy relationship shield them from   and this is obviously a 12-step sort of twist  but recognizing that we actually cannot control   another human being we can shame blame manipulate  but ultimately they have the ability to choose   and it's important that people recognize that  they are powerless ultimately over another person   and how are they going to deal with  that because that thought is terrifying   and recognizing that they may be powerless over  some overwhelming feelings that they have been   hiding from or trying to shield themselves from  and that those feelings will come so they need   to figure out how to tolerate the distress and how  to cope with it then they need to begin developing   a secure relationship with themselves through  mindfulness and self-esteem work until they   can provide self-validation and self-comfort all  relationships can potentially become codependent   people with codependency issues generally get in  relationships with others who need to be rescued   they don't feel worthy or lovable for themselves  because they were harshly criticized or   neglected and ignored often as children not  always but often this starts in childhood   and as a result they need somebody to validate  them so helping them repair that broken attachment method is going to be a huge step  towards helping them start forming   healthy non-codependent relationships recovery  involves developing a sense of self-worth   identifying the function of the behaviors  addressing the depression guilt resentment   and anxiety and what triggers those things and  then developing skills to deal with those feelings   and learning about and creating a  network of healthy relationships

Channel: Doc Snipes

Views: 1,004,336

Keywords: ADACB, cadc, ccapp, naadac, nbcc, Dawn Elise Snipes, Cheap CEUs, NCMHCE, unlimited ceus, hpcsa, crcc, lcsw ceus, lcdc ceus, lmft ceus, lmhc ceus, ce broker, addiction ceus, LADC CEU, MAC CEU, mental health, counseling techniques, counseling skills, training videos, online counseling, yt:cc=on, donnelly snipes, doc snipes, counselor education, mental illness, allceus, all ceus, cognitive behavioral, exam review, test prep, codependency, abandonment, insecure attachment, attachment

Id: 6-UOVYx9_wk

Length: 56min 45sec (3405 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 19 2022

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