Grieving the End of a Relationship - Painful Attachment Trauma After Breakup

this video is for you if you just ended a relationship and you're freaking out you have anxiety your mind is racing you don't know what to do it's safe to say you're a mess then this video is for you stay [Music] tuned I'm Alan robarge welcome to the new Love addiction where we're not talking about addiction we're talking about attachment injuries and healing from attachment trauma and on this video let's talk about grief uh but not so much conceptually or an idea that you have been working with for some time as a kind of ongoing grief let's talk about the immediacy of a relationship ending and feeling that the world has come crashing down on you so if you're watching this video chances are that you are in the immediacy you are in the throws you are in the talons you are in the fire of this grief your whole world is being turned upside down and I'm assuming that you're feeling this urgency this incredible intensity to find relief to write the wrong to change things to uh perhaps be reunited with your partner what if this what if this can we get together I need to send a text I need to write I need or maybe you know the relationship's over you ended it you know the reality that it's over it's there's not a possibility of negotiating with yourself negotiating with your partner bargaining to create yet again another chapter another round well let's change let's change let's go to coup's counseling let's do this let's do that it's going to be different if you're watching this video If You Found Me perhaps through other videos as well and know that I like to explore attachment injuries and attachment trauma and if you have a history of some unhealed unintegrated attachment trauma that still gets activated and triggered when relationships end you probably have a abandonment fear you have this intense uh struggle around feeling rejected you're no longer being Chosen and it is going to register in your nervous system and in your body as this incredible Panic just this outrageous life or death feeling that there something is fundamentally wrong and uh let's acknowledge this is not going away this evening it's not going away in the next couple days uh usually what happens is our nervous system gets uh blown out just just gets completely provoked at The Knowing at the truth that the relationship is over the partner is left you have asked the partner to leave uh as much strength as it took for you to uh finally get to a place of saying yes it's over and then you're still even in your mind you keep bouncing around this pingpong mind well let's try to get back together let's try to get back together if you have an unresolved attachment injury you're not only going to be feeling this incredible uh intense grief from the reality of the current situation chances are it's going to be exaggerated through your nervous system being provoked and it's going to link to this history in your family uh it could happen beyond your family but usually it has to do with our history through childhood where our parents were not quite able to be fully there for us and it has been coded in our nervous system this profound fear around being left so that in fact a Rel relationship that ends the grief he not only like being run over by a car now it's like being run over by a car train and a bus you you get this magnified intensity so if you're watching this video and you are feeling like a mess and you're freaking out let's focus on let's be a little rational let's be a little logical uh let's return to Basics and be very simple here let's let's take some simplistic approach and breathe you need to slow down you need to remind yourself of Reality by saying what are you going to do tonight to focus on tonight to focus on Basics to focus on today what are you going to do for the rest of your day can you get some water can you get some green vegetables can you focus on doing your laundry now is not the time to do your taxes now is not the time to take on some new project like uh you know recarpet the living room your world as you know it is going to turn everything upside down and chances are you're going to experience a lot of contradictions and a lot of opposites so you might be very hyperfocused and super scrutinized you want to read eight books at once and you're going to scrutinize every little piece of information uh Gathering mapping out what happened in your history in this relationship he said this she did this this happened you know this out of the other and you might Journal it down and you know write it and just constantly be processing so your mind will be in overdrive or you're going to exper the experience the opposite where you can't focus at all you you could be the job you could be on the job at your work and you just cannot get through it's going to feel like living like you're moving through molasses you're moving through peanut butter you're just moving you're in slow motion life is going to feel very surreal and chances are your mind is going to move into a kind of Trance State uh that everything is different the surrealness the weirdness the you're just not yourself you could be in shock and this flood of hormones in your nervous system this flood of it it registers as physical pain that your body is in physical pain and in addition to aches you know joints aching or legs aching or muscles aching um physically your chest could hurt physically your heart could hurt uh your diaphragm uh the seat of emotion uh right in the center where your solar plexus is and where you're breathing I mean you could feel literally crushed like you know an elephant had just sat on you so all of these symptoms um are just a profound overwhelming experience of the body going through some major changes and you you might find that you're sleeping a lot you might find that you can't sleep you you might fall asleep but then let's say there's that let's say you wake up at 4:00 in the morning and it's like your brain turns on into emergency mode and the moment that you wake up you cannot at all fall back to sleep because your mind is just going to grab on and there's going to be this profound sense of fear that something is not right something is not right so for the sake of this video we're not really talking about grief in the long term we're really talking about this moment we're talking about today we're talking about this evening uh we're talking about tomorrow to begin to think about a plan a very basic Simple Plan you gotta function you got to be able to take a shower you got to be able to eat your food you got to be able to get to work and you need to make things easy for yourself you need some help you need to ask friends uh you need to uh maybe buy some more pre-made food that you just put in the microwave uh drink more water just very Basics drink more water so in this moment if you're uh or feeling anxious if you're feeling the Panic let's slow down and take a breath and one thing you can do and it's going to sound incredibly simple it's going to sound so obvious is you can name your reality which is saying I feel horrible I just feel so horrible right now and you respond to yourself with a very simple affirmation and you say yes that yes that's true I feel horrible I feel I am so hurting right now and you respond in the affirmative very simple stuff you say yeah th this is crushing I am so wildly overwhelmed and consumed uh the word I use for my myself is I'm on fire I'm just you know I'm roasting I'm on fire in this world of grief uh that it brings me into and when this happens uh it requires you are a warrior in this moment I mean you need an incredible amount of energy an incredible amount of skill to wrestle with your mind and to Grapple with the profound waves of intense sadness and um shame and um deep deep inconsolable grief I've always loved that word there was a poem forgive me I'm going to share an image that is not a very pretty image and it's a bit of a violent image so I'm sorry I'm giving you a little bit of a heads up about it I don't really see it as literal like any good beautiful poetry it's metaphorical there is this poem that I read I don't even remember In This Moment who wrote it or what it is but it says the G this grief is inconsolable this grief is so inconsolable and it's like it's like a knife being stabbed in the side of a goat now that's a sad image of an image of violence regarding the goat but if we could move beyond the literal and look at it as the metaphor of the poem it's this piercing feeling this just overwhelmed feeling um and to me the image of a goat also there's an innocence about that because it's a it's a a farm animal or a domesticated animal and um it just implies this you know impossible this impossible piercing of what do you do what do you do next you know what what do you do when the knife of grief has pierced your heart and now you're supposed to get up in the morning and go to work and you're supposed to talk on the phone and you're supposed to uh act normal and you know that you can't act normal So In This Moment let's slow down let's take a breath and what's very helpful is to focus on your body and to do a body scan and to take a breath and notice your arms and your legs and your stomach and Spine and your feet and your fingers and your toes and and incorporating your senses bringing your awareness to your senses can be a really helpful way to take a break from getting lost in the looping of the Mind chatter what if this what if this what if this he said this I said this he said this I should have done oh should I get in the car and drive I think I should get in the car and go there and you know this just goes on and on and on so one way to to to attempt to slow that down and to pull yourself out of the Mind chatter is to focus on your senses and there are very simple things that you can do like make a hot cup of tea even if it's the middle of August and it's 90° out you make a hot cup of tea and you just put your hands on the mug and you you breathe and that is the ex that that's your work I mean that's the extent of how life is slowed down and it is not business as usual it is you are not going to accomplish everything you want to accomplish you're not going to be this you know uh high functioning uh productive person who has 85 responsibilities when you're in this level of grief and the relationship has ended and the world the the rug has been pulled out from you under you and the world has come crashing down in you you have to accept that that is the reality in which you're living right now it will change a new reality will come in but it's probably not going to change this evening and we have to accept that we have no energy in this place it is going to make you feel drained and exhausted and confused and tired so focus on your senses and if you can get a hot cup of tea hold the hot cup of tea and you're just noticing what it feels like on the palms uh what it feels like on your forearms uh you could even smell the tea or invite you know the scent of the sense of smell uh smelling the scent of tea uh let's assume that it's some kind of hibiscus tea so it has this Berry smell to it um a very bright Berry smell and you're noticing the Heat and you breathe and we we want to practice these moments of being able to Exhale and these moments of of allowing yourself to surrender to giving up and that it's over the relationship is over now of course how do I know you know many people well many people will say but I want to get back together I I really need to try you know I need to write a letter I need to text I need to drive over there I what maybe maybe you know you're the one really but for most people but there's a point which you know you I mean you even though you want to fight it even though you want it to be different even though you're having a temper tantrum even though you're kicking and screaming even though that you're you know angry and you're trying to be manipulative and get back together whatever it is whatever your flavor is of how you do it there's a point at which we look in the mirror or we just it's that quiet moment you're by yourself you know it's over this is really over and the thing about grief is sometimes there's there's not that much to say if you you could have I'm I'm sure you've had the experience of someone you know a friend or a f someone died and you're con you you've been told that by the person that cares about that person who died and you know in that moment you you don't know what to say you say you say something cordial and kind and empathetic you know I feel for you are you know I hope you're okay uh please call me I'm Avail you but after you say all those things and then the person just looks at you and they're crying and they say you know how the hell am I going to go on now that this person has died or it doesn't have to be died I me it could be you know the person they their relationship ended they they're getting a divorce their their marriage has failed and they look at you and they're crying and and they say I'm just so sad and and sometimes in those moments all you can do is just look at the person and you try to breathe with them you try to nod you you you try to to you know in inside the message inside is one you're saying to yourself I don't know what to say I I don't you know I don't know I don't know what else to say and then the other party just says stay present just you know just be here for my friend just yeah the your your life will never be the same since this experience this this is a major defining event that is going to send you into a different trajectory it is going to create a new chapter and uh it it is throwing you into ground groundlessness and in those moments if you don't know what to say you just look at your friend so that's what you need to do for yourself when you get the cup of tea when you are able to look out the window and sit and and to to not engage in the repetitious Speedy mind the churning the manipulation I got it you know the story so the phrases drop the story The the chatter this happened this happened and this happened and this and maybe this and he did this and then she did this and we story story story story story what we try to do is we try to break it and you can break it by coming back to your body and focusing on your senses what do you see in this moment you pick an object around the room I see the book with the with the red the red book cover the book is sitting on the bookshelf it's right there I'm noticing the book I'm noticing the light how it's hitting the book I'm noticing the the words written on the book the font the style of the writing then we take a breath we come back to the breath and we come back to the body your arms your legs your stomach your spine your feet your fingers your toes you take a breath and then you do it over again you say well what else do I see let's come back to the room let's look around and say well you know I notice I noticed the quarter there's a there's a bowl here and there's a quarter in the bowl so I'm just noticing the shininess of the quarter now I know this sounds a bit simplistic and I know that this sounds at at times could be you know I I'm so devastated by my life falling apart and feeling this intense not only the current grief but the abandonment wound being triggered that how I don't really care about a student stupid quarter on the counter I don't care about the book so I'm aware that some of this might just be going through the motions but what we're trying to do is we're trying to interrupt the trance we're trying to interrupt the repetitious trance of staying stuck in the mind chatter and have moments where we break where we come out just a little bit we can find a gap and it's in those gaps that there's some surrender there's some clarity there's some exhale uh we could even say that there's a release from suffering it usually is going to only last for 5 seconds or for 10 seconds or if you're L lucky 10 minutes and then it comes back so arms legs stomach spine feet fingers toes take a breath notice your body notice the room around you notice what time of day it is notice if there's sun coming through the window notice if you can see the wind out out the window if you can see the sky and begin to breathe and just notice your breath and we again we affirm the simple reality of saying it's over I'm crushed I don't like it I don't like this one bit and I might even have a temper tantrum I might fight it I might I might act out I might need to try to get back together should I call should I wait if he calls or she'll call or this will happen and you try to come back and you take a break by taking a breath and by returning to your senses now time will help this you'll find some release Through Time passing probably not by tomorrow but in addition you need to bring attention it's time and attention it's allowing uh some participation and life is going to feel very different than the way it has up to this point you will not be able to function on the same level that you have been functioning think about Basics Back to Basics can you get enough water can you eat some green vegetables can you call some friends to help you do the laundry can you uh prepare for your next day like make life a little easier for yourself pack your lunch tonight so you don't have to rush and scramble to pack it in the morning or maybe just accept you're going to buy lunch all week you just have to buy lunch out you don't even have the ability to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right now I hope that this video is helpful I wanted to try to just simply State the truth to State the reality uh to meet you where you're at which is you're grieving you're a mess you really are struggling with this and to say well that's normal we get it and chances are if you have an attachment injury it's all being very exaggerated and so there's going going to be some unresolved grief from the past some unresolved grief from previous relationships some unresolved grief from family and it's all getting activated the image that I like to use is you know how when a rain drop uh is on the windshield and this drop of water is moving down the windshield and there's other drops of water and the the nature of the property of water is that they are um I don't know if the proper word is magnetized but they're attracted to each other and they will they will consolidate they will they will just move together and I like to think that grief is the same way that if you have this current topical grief this ending that's very painful and crushing and think of that like a a drop of water on the windshield and you have other losses in your life in your psyche in you know that have that are unintegrated you have you have these other drops of water that represent other losses that need attention they're going to consolidate and can very much in exaggerate I almost said the word enhance as you know enhance impli you know you know a better version of of grieving and I don't mean it like that I more mean that it it it's hard enough you know this this ending this Devastation this anxiety this feeling crushed is hard enough uh however if you have a history of attachment injuries that you haven't fully integrated or been able to heal and it's even possible you won't be conscious of it but in a way you're you're pre preconditioned to experience loss all the more intensely than other people so for people who had have not had the level of attachment trauma that you have had they can experience an ending and their brain and their nervous system and the flood of hormones that get activated um are in some ways within a range that are manageable but for those of us who have an attachment injury attachment trauma that is unintegrated and our body is preconditioned to uh be very quickly triggered by the intensity of loss and that we don't have a reasonable range to experience it in fact we get blown out very quickly and what perhaps uh should be experienced as let's say in a scale of 0 to 10 should be experienced as a level six grief we just experience at a level 10 and it it just kicks your butt it is exhausting so empathy to you take care of yourself keep it simple focus on your senses focus on the present moment focus on your body and name the reality from a simple place and the reality is this is tough uh you are struggling and let's focus on getting to bed at a at a reasonable hour tonight and let's take a break from the story take a break from the speediness and all the you know uh all the details the story the story the story and you try to come back and say for the next half hour I'm going to surrender to the impossi of this a a phrase I use or an image that I like is that uh being crushed by the ending of grief of uh saying goodbye to someone that you love the person that you love the most and to let in that reality is so confusing and so just completely goes against your whole being that it's like reversing your blood flow it's like right now I'm going to say well can you reverse your blood flow uh can you just totally change how your blood is flowing through your body and just you and and as impossible as that sounds that's usually how the brain experiences this ending it just will register as this is impossible this can't end I love this person so much I'm so crushed and yearning and and feel this great deep de desire I must be with this person for the sake of you and me in this video and what we're doing is we're say we're interrupting that great great desire and we're saying no you're not going to be with this person it's over and can you focus on the next half hour can you give yourself a break can you take a hot bath can you get some lavender oil or lavender soap or lavender lotion and uh smell that scent come back to your senses light a candle and notice you know the experience of just seeing the flame burning again all of these things sound wildly simple because they are and that's what we need right now we need to focus on the simple Basics I hope that this was helpful and empathy to you you are uh hurting so I get that I know that you're hurting uh please subscribe to this YouTube channel if you like this video uh there are others similar to it on their way I continue to make more videos you can learn more about me at Allen roar.com and until next time thank you for watching the video

Channel: Alan Robarge / Attachment Trauma Therapist

Views: 225,112

Keywords: Relationship ending, breakups, divorce, grief, grieving, bereavement, attachment injuries, attachment trauma, abandonment fear, alan robarge, coda, slaa, adult children of alcoholics, codependency, codependents, codependent no more, gieving help, relationship break up, alan robarge attachment trauma, break up, how to end a relationship, long term relationship breakup, love addiction, love addiction recovery, #selfhealers, selfhealers, psychology, psychologist, holistic

Id: 0wOQohv_0Rg

Length: 29min 47sec (1787 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 11 2016