Chris Rock's Everybody Hates Chris Marathon!

working at Doc's corner store was pretty easy I stocked shelves I delivered groceries now hurry up Chris and don't let her ice cream melt I even made pickled eggs about the only job doc never let me do was work to register Chris listen here I have to go and do something I have to leave for about a half an hour okay I'll help you lock up no we're not locking up I want you to stay here you think you can handle a register while I'm gone for Real where you going got to go to the bank since doc didn't leave the store during business hours he never got to go to the bank I never knew where he kept his money that'll be a deposit that mattress was his [Music] wallet I won't be gone long don't take any bills over $20 count your change out loud lick your fingers make sure your bills don't stick there's a bamboo stick under the counter in case anybody give you any trouble like who a panda bam got it got [Music] it can I help you yeah give me the money now Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender he always committed crimes yeah shorty that's real AR he always got caught and he always got out see you next time Malvo all right when sh sh Redemption came out Malvo thought it was a comedy wait hurry up okay okay okay don't shoot me come on man you ever notice how hard what it is to think when you're terrified boy you don't even want to do that he's right $12 that's all y'all got in there doc just went to the bank next time y'all better have more than $12 in there I'm not playing man he's not even finished robbing me this time he's already planning on the next time give me that and you better not tell nobody you just got robbed by Malvo I'm also not telling anybody what I just did in my pants [Applause] [Music] make it [Music] f I knew it I knew it I knew I shouldn't have left 22 years I never left that cash alone with anyone else yeah since the store open the one day I do I get robed sorry doc I was going hit with the bamboo stick but he took it Chris look it's not your fault he had a gun I much rather you get robbed than shot my pickle legs he took my pickle legs now who steals pickle legs can I talk to you a minute son can you give me a description of the guy yeah he's the kind of guy that kills you if you describe him to the police what did he look like I was pretty scared I don't really remember much do you remember anything what color clothing he had on was he tall short thin fat dark light thanks if we get any leads we'll let you know yeah considering I just describe mini me you want me to walk you home no I'm okay before people had TVs in every room families had to watch television the oldfashioned way by taking turns stop Mama Drew keep changing the channel I told her I was going to let her watch it right after I got the hockey score look I don't care what y'all watching long as y'all are done when Su Sim comes on live at five that all changed when my father brought home the greatest technological innovation we had ever seen hey everybody hey I got a surprise a betamax didn't they stop making those they sure did that's how I got it for half off the only time my father ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else I asked for a saw machine what the hell is this alone what is that a stove well if that's the stove where's the witch I asked for a car what the hell is this a Rick Shaw that's Rick I wanted to tell my parents that I got robbed but I didn't want them to worry what's going on dad got a betamax Julius what are we supposed to do without the tapes I got a bunch of blank tapes with it they were practically giving it away probably throwing them away I'm going to record Billy Ocean videos and I'm going record Night Rider but what are you going to record baby the 700 Club so I can pray not to get robbed again I don't know maybe Rocky y'all can do whatever y'all want as long as I can record my stories now my father can catch up on his sleep and The Young and the Restless let me see a t hey Chris I brought you some old movies we had left over I've got Sharky's Machine and Young Frankenstein what's that some Brooks movie it's hilarious thanks no problem we were using him as door stops you okay let me ask you a question what would you do if somebody robbed you and you can identify them but you're afraid to you got robbed at the store this guy named malvel he scared me to death you know there was a similar situation in Sharky's Machine Bert Reynolds got ripped off but he didn't want to go to the cops what you too he killed all the bad guys any other suggestions why don't you just go tell doc who this guy is and let him deal with it cuz he'll kill me this guy is so bad he broke into prison sorry man I don't know what to tell you can you do me a favor what please don't tell anybody that you talk to me about this I don't want the guy after me too hey Bosco I heard you got a beta Max yeah so I got a movie for you a comedy Birth of a Nation it's a classic hilarious you'll love it couldn't be any worse than Soul Plane here we go that's four cameras between that and these stickers a thief will stop and think twice it'd make Malvo stop and think about stealing the cameras now come on let's finish up these sketches yeah so how' you learn how to do this anyway I started painting nude portraits to meet chicks then I got good at it a little darker under the eyes okay now is that him yeah that's him chis that's Alo now come on now you got to focus every time we do this it comes out different now first time this one look like yeah a that look like Kem Abdul Jabar and that's George Jefferson and ain't that line of Richie come on Chris look let's just start it was getting hard to think of more people that didn't look like Malvo so I thought maybe it was time I just told do truth wait hey malel hey Doc they let you out again yeah I got time off of good behavior that's like letting the devil out of hell man you keeping out of trouble I'm trying to man I heard y'all got robbed yeah that fool got $12 and my pickle legs now who steals pick legs so who's this she that's my helper Chris Chris say hi to malbo hi hi yeah he was here when it happened he help me out with a sketch of the guy who did it oh yeah Chris saw who did it huh let me see that yeah this the latest man that's Alero I know his record says it down but I don't think he be robbing no sto I didn't really get a good look at the guy you must have been scared huh yeah you can say that again well I'll let y'all know if I hear anything cuz you know I'm in them streets yeah but do you you need anything n doc I like them cameras man they work yeah well I'll see you later Chris yeah I got them hooked up got for here and uh I was think about putting two in the I wish Bert Reynolds was here while I was hoping I'd never see Malvo again my father couldn't wait to see the young and a Restless again here we go stay tuned for The Young and the Restless cartoons who recorded cartoons over my young and AR wrestlers I bought that beta Max so everybody could enjoy it I said you could tape anything you want all I want is one thing tape my stories that's all and I don't even get that from now on if that red light is on on that beta Max you don't touch it you hear me yes [Music] daddy uh-oh what I'm just trying to take my stories blah blah blah Julius she's 11 she made a mistake so what now I can't get mad you get mad all the time exactly but everybody's used to it if I did have the things I threaten to do don't you think I would have been in jail a long time ago what are you in for knocking my kids nostrils off you need to apologize for what I didn't tap over her show you are acting like a child I'm not are to am not you are to you can't jump to her to VCH when she's wrong she was right I understand Julius that is not what I'm trying to say what are you trying to say well if you don't know then forget it whoa whoa wait you you can't be mad I'm supposed to be mad what up mama wins again no no anybody no I couldn't pick out a mug shot because I didn't want to get shot we'll do another canvas I'll let you know if we find anything no they won't Chris Chris stop sweeping and we need to talk right now for sure we went through the whole mug shot book with that officer and you couldn't find anybody who even look like the guy maybe he's not in the book would you tell me if he was yeah Chris are you lying to me no why would I need to lie I don't know but every time I ask you a question you looking East and West Like You Waiting for a Train now Chris if you're in trouble it's okay to ask for help I'm not in trouble then can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't know who robbed my store if I lied again doc would never trust me [Music] no okay it's okay no you're fired Chris the truth shall set you free all right free to find another job I got fired why cuz you got robbed cuz I didn't tell who robbed me well who robbed you I'm not going to tell man you lost your job wait till Dad finds out all he's been doing lately is bragging about you working I mean he was so happy he's going to be sad now I mean I bet he was telling everybody at his job how proud he was of you he's going to be so embarrassed he'll never be able to live that down I mean you lost your first job I mean I can't believe it just glad it wasn't me thank you a lot it wasn't going to be easy telling my father I'd lost my first job he was still working on the first job he ever had thanks jul you see you later Miss Wilson hey Dad my man how work going well that's what I wanted to talk to you about you know I'm really proud of you for keeping that job son took a lot of Courage for you to walk back in that store thanks do they sell soap oper D just at your job yeah when you go to work tomorrow pick me up a copy is there something else you want to talk to me about oh no I'm sorry forget about it okay my father being proud of me meant more than anything except being shot by Malvo I figured it'd be easier to take a beaten from Malo than to tell my dad I'd lost my job I'll talk to you for a minute I don't know if you can but you may while in prison Malvo got a PhD in comparative literature I I was wondering if you could just you know have the kindness of your heart return the stuff that you stole from [Music] docks he laughed like he was watching The Jeffersons with the original line on forget it no no way kid wait wait come here man you funny man you should be a comedian when you grow up kid that was funny man man what are you doing you got a wire on boy what no my bad man look look man let me explain some basic e economic theory to you all right in life there are people who make things and then there are other people who take things I would be a taker but I also can be a breaker but never ever a faker you follow me not really okay well let me explain another economic theory the stuff that I stole is mine beat it but you funny though kid you funny H give it back back home my father was done being mad at Tanya but she had just started getting mad at him you want some ice cream no you want some ice cream baby yes Mom my father knew he had to do something or this would go on forever Tanya can you plug in my heart no if you ask me again I'mma turn off your stories you smell ice cream [Music] baby say you're sorry what for I ain't do nothing to her it's not what you did it's how you did it juliia since day one she's been your little princess and all of a sudden you screaming at her I didn't scream Julius as big as you are you weren't even talking to me and I was scared the one thing I learned about women from my fathers even when you're right you're wrong uh doc can I talk to you for a minute I don't know if you can but you may I'm sorry for not telling you who robbed the store I was scared and you're not scared now I want my job back but who was it then it was Malvo Malvo man would you be quiet come inside boy now why didn't you say so because he showed his gun to me and he threatened to kill me exactly my point that Malvo is crazier than three dogs with rabies don't worry you can have your job back what are you doing I'm calling the police Tanya listen the other day I didn't mean to holler at you I was upset I was looking forward to seeing my stories I didn't mean to hurt your feelings but my feelings were hurt too I didn't mean to do it I didn't mean to yell at you I didn't mean to do a lot of things but that never stopped my father from smacking me upside the head I'm sorry me too why do you watch show puers anyway what isn't daytime TV for women um we'll talk about that another time all right okay since there were no witnesses to the crime the only way to catch Malvo was to catch him in the a you ready um I don't know about this don't worry about nothing I'll be right here he tries anything with this bag of [Music] quarters yo chis doc go to the bank again no he doesn't go till tomorrow is he here no so your money is here and he gone right then you need to give up the money to my VA [Music] free don't move you set me up boy hold it right there that's right I'm the bad guy man you didn't even have a real gun it's hard to rob a gun store man they got guns a catch 22 for my V freom is rights hey where you going with my quarter it's evidence now Stand Back Sir doc never did get his quarters back later that year the bedy police department won a video game [Applause] [Music] tournament oh thanks Chris now you did a good job no problem being scared cost me my job my father's admiration and that was too high of a price for me so I learned right then and there that when you're in trouble don't be afraid to ask for help Chris when I get out I'm coming after you y o o bring your ass up to the stage I'm knocking head off I swear to God some that is going to be mean let it happen have a good time unattracted people are very needy always want something excuse me excuse me you know I can no I don't no right feel what it is you already knowest of as class president I thought things would change for me but I couldn't have been more wrong when you two are done see me my office who are you Mr Edwards new principal you were fighting why cuz he hates black people and I'm a black person that's a lie I love Michael Jordan I think Gary Coleman is hysterical and don't even get me started about Billy Ocean Caribbean Queen it's a very good song see just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius Mr Edwards he has been picking on me since the first day I came to this school is that true yeah all right Koso you can go what what before coming to cor leó principal Edwards was on a self-imposed three-year bow of Silence keep your filthy hands off of my school lunch program you get the hell out which he allegedly began 2 minutes after cursing like a mad man and knocking out the teeth of his former boss another minute have you ever considered the possibility this is your fault that's what they said to Rodney King my fault he's threatened by you Chris you're very present makes him doubt his ability to succeed he always succeeds in punching me in the face he's using you as a manifestation of his angst subsequently he's trying to quell his anxiety by conquering you thereby conquering his fear about punching me in the face exactly so you want me to just let him do it have you thought about trying to see things from his point of view so you want me to punch him in the face no have you ever seen the film The defiant ones the defiant ones no what's the two men are Shackled together while trying to escape from prison one white one black un educated one they learn they have to depend on each other or perish that's what I'm going to do for you you're going to change us together and put us in jail yeah figuratively I'm taking some students on a field trip tomorrow you and Caruso are going to come along have your mother sign this to help you and Caruso learn to depend on each other I'm going to employ the buddy system the buddy system Chris you and Caruso are going to be buddies just like the CPS in the [Music] Bloods a make [Music] it [Music] while I Was preparing to see Caruso in a whole new way Tanya was working on a new look too Mom can I borrow you a clip on hoop earrings no but all my friends are wearing pink shirts and ho earrings I'm not your friend's mother I don't know Mom earrings May draw away attention from her big old head you got a big head you head more naughty got more head than you got body your head so big your head got two floors your head so big you got to put in your shirts feet first your head so big it has a moon hey hey all right enough now Tanya why don't you wear your flower earrings you're too young for Hoops that's women's jewelry and I'm not going to have people looking at my daughter like that like what like [Music] this earrings in that girl everybody else has them well if everybody else got a butt whooping would you want one too Hey where's Chris you left early you had to go on a field trip hey Dad check it out I got 100 on my spell inter all right my man I was thinking could I get a hockey jersey since I got 100 on my test you're supposed to get a 100 you don't get a prize for doing well my father never rewarded good behavior yeah I cleaned off the tub you supposed to clean the tub it's your dirt dirt Ring Hey Dad I fixed the heater you're supposed to fix the heater you the one who likes it warm Hey Dad I slaughtered a pig you're supposed to slaughter a pig you the one that likes bacon to this it's just a hockey jersey Mom it's not just a hockey jersey it's Wayne Gretzky he's the best player in the league grety huh I'll think about it okay time to go to school [Music] Tanya coming jeez Caruso why didn't he just kick you into traffic I don't know but I'm going to give it a shot I mean it can't get any worse that's what people said while they were boarding the Amad so who's your buddy hey Greg you ready sure I'll be right there you got a girl not just a girl but a girl who's interested in the evolution of species I am so in there come on bubbles right now I'd feel safer at the Netherland Ranch hey Julius you want some tap shoes tap shoes yeah I got men's I got Women's and Children's huh you get your whole family some tap shoes my father always thought if you wore tap shoes you had to tap dance we're friends of the deceased oh right this way [Music] uh you can't make no money tap Dan what I really need is a hockey jersey for Drew Wayne Gretzky hockey what kind of kids you raising do you have one or not right all right hockey uh I'm sorry I I don't have anything but if I find something I'll let you know all right brother all right okay take care hockey I'm kiding trouble my father was dealing with the bad news while my mother was getting great news what the guy I'm seeing has kidney stones Vanessa that's good news we got tickets to see Patty Lael and he can't go listening to Patty Lael could make my mother feel good no matter what come on Pito I told you man I didn't do it why to ultim B can you play new attitude yes wait a minute wait a minute wait I got to figure out what I'm going to wear oh me too oh girl I see you later wear that blue dress I Like You Blue Dress yeah girl P iol my is are few know where I'm going and I know I T do I got it ow new attitude all right class listen up I reiterate we are on the buddy system today so you are responsible for your body no matter what happens stay together we have about 2 hours so you have plenty of time to see all the exhibits see kidding you can come here every weekend for years and still barely scratch the surface after 20 years Greg still hasn't made it out of the bone exhibit now remember the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is if you un understand why he hates you he needs your help but if I'm helping him who's going to help me you're helping yourself spoken like a true white man come on man we got to go before the bus leaves us listen bannan relax the bus isn't going to leave without us the whole class is waiting on us I thought you people were used to being late come on man we got to go all you've been doing since we got here is complaining well I haven't really seen anything all I've seen is you eating in the cafeteria for over an hour all right you know what I'm sorry I'll just be another minute really maybe principal Edwards was right Caruso might make a change yeah just do me a favor hold this now go away by the door okay the buddy system was failing miserably but the black decoy system was working great Sal on way to [Music] you usually Greg would have noticed if I was gone but if you put a girl in front of him he didn't see anything else hurry up I want to get on this bus don't worry I'm sure they saved you spot in the back which one's [Music] [Applause] ours I think it's that one I think I should have been buddies with the bus [Music] driver how come you didn't tell me the bus was leaving when I said let's hurry up before the bus leaves us what bus did you think I was talking about sorry I couldn't understand all your crazy dve talk okay we can catch the next train and we'll be back in no time I spent all my money on food okay fine I think I have enough money to get two tokens so let's go who you in charge I'm just trying to get this back to school just let me make the decisions why should I do that how many times do I have to punch you before you get a clue don't you watching movies Gene Wilder made all the decisions in Silver Streak Richard Pride just followed orders so what do you want to do let's take the next train to get back to Brooklyn it felt like we went around the entire city we went through Chinatown the meat packing District we even went through the thing Theater District the only place we didn't go through was our school district while me and carusa were lost Tanya was trying not to get found [Music] out where are you going I'm going to see Patty leel how do I look you like one of those ladies in those old movies now who asked you well I think you look better in the brown skirt the B striped shirt brush your hair back and put on your go hoop earrings he's good oh and can I get some potato chips before dinner yeah yeah yeah go [Music] ahead Tanya knew she was going to be caught just didn't know when did you take my earrings what earrings okay here's how this works Tanya you can keep lying or you can tell me you took my earrings you decide you promise you won't yell I won't yell I took your earrings and I lost one didn't I tell you not to touch my earrings you promise you wouldn't yell I've been fallen for that one for years do you know how valuable those earrings were Tanya huh whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us she'd always count down from five five four 3 [Music] 2 1 that's it I'mma let your father handle this after taking a tour of the city I decided it was time to take charge where you going I'm going to call my mother I'm making the decisions around here not for me you can do whatever you feel like doing but I'm calling my mother well give me a quarter to I'll call my mom no I only have one quarter ah don't worry about it how my mother call your mother mom yeah it's Joey I have who calls and says I'm lost I'm not no I'm okay I'm with Chris yeah the black one strange realizing that Caruso had a loving family at home a loving racist family all right love you bye hey you were supposed to tell her to call my mom forgot sorry why don't you call click that's what the guys in prison do move hello I have a collect call from my dad couldn't always give us what we wanted but he would always do his best hey Dad I'm really proud of you for getting 100 on that test so here you go yeah wow huh what do you think Drew thought about saying this gritsky it's not Gritz it's grety with an E I scored 100 on my spelling test I can't where it is you got that big old head and you can't even spell grety maybe you should take my spilling classes I ain't wearing this but if he did here's what would have happened what's the story apparently the kid loves hockey father brings home a jersey that says gritsky with an i instead of Gretzky with an E Sun mouth's off Dad loses it shoves Jersey down kid's throat is that the Jersey it's all we could find good thing he didn't ask for skates so it's cool thanks Dad the next year Drew got a Yankees jersey that said mesy Maxon you better talk to your daughter before I kill her why what happened go ask her all that could save Tanya was a sad look what's going on Mom's really mad at me tell me what happened I just wanted to wear earrings like my friends so I took mom's go hoops and I lost one Tanya do you think maybe I could save up and buy another pair it's not about the money Tanya I gave your mother those earrings you can't replace them what are you going to do my father could have spanked Tanya or grounded her until she was grown but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that I'm really disappointed in you father I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family Tanya no leave me now father I must whoop myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive [Music] me I'm sorry did you tell your mother that will you come with me did I take the earrings good luck are you sure we're on the right train you charge you tell me look nobody told you to wait for me in the first place we're in the buddy system which means I'm supposed to stay with you no matter what you think I want to be here shoot if I had done what I wanted to do you'd be sitting here by yourself well go then fine station so long Caruso enjoy talking civil rights with your new friends even though Caruso had gotten on my last nerve I was afraid I might be his last chance so you take that to the Brooklyn Beach stop and you right there all right hey how'd you get here before me I took the express train this is the local train hey man why'd you leave your boy out here like that we could have hurt him I came back yeah then what you want me to do n leave him alone if he gets hurt I think it affects my grade hey man in a bun system never leave your buddy no matter what you understand yeah good now give me your wallet I don't have any money in it can I ask you all that I guess this is what Mart Luther King fought for black and white bullies Side by side ready to kick my ass hey hold on to that what now well we switch platforms and then head back downtown all right let's go oh wait so you really came back for me yeah why because I would have left you for real yeah man you're dumb those guys could have killed you all right all right you done yeah let's go home muddy what's up I don't know what you have against me hey I don't even know you so I was wondering maybe you know maybe we can be cool you even have to like it yeah I know what you mean tell you what what if you can run faster than I can throw I won't hit you with this battery hey man where have you been we missed the bus was anyone looking for us no so how things going with you and Jennifer it was going great until we got into a debate about whether humans or climatic change caused the demise of the place to see Mega fana idiots it didn't end wow same as Bobby and Whitney so how did it go huh oh the buddy system well it was all right really even after I left you at the Museum wait you left me and cruo alone on purpose you can't do that I mean what kids anything could have happened I had my eyes on you the whole time what that's right from Chinatown through the Bronx down through Harlem here's your wallet okay I I really don't understand what was the point brusso still hates me what about you did you learn anything today well I learned that Russo didn't like me yesterday he doesn't like me today and he's not going to like me tomorrow yes all that's true but you're forgetting you learned something else today much more important what you learned that I was [Music] wrong why don't you go ahead and put us in the room today we're talking about the notorious bi these are the isolated vocals from Blue Monday Spears Metallica Prince nirv people want to dance people want that Groove wow I love it when RC fra says release the wiggle that thing is going everywhere it's a earthquake going to be careful you're going to hear the song completely differently after you listen to the episode I was just thinking that when I was elected president of coone my school was way ahead of his time the rest of the country didn't get a black president until Clinton like all presidents I had made campaign promises that were going to be hard to keep I promise you no more rope climbing in gym unless your favorite sport is climbing rope I promise no more homework on Saturday unless you got to be in school on Sunday I promise all our book reports will be on books that were made into movies I promise you floors so that when the bully knocks you down you'll bounce right back up we've got spren break we've got summer break what about a fall break and a winter break I don't want to come to school when it's hot so why would I want to come to school when it's cold to win my office I told them everything they wanted to hear there was only one problem they listen you promised you'd take us to a KN game you promised I'd get a new Locker you promised I'd get a great you promise I get ashamed you promis we get some real meat what are you going to do about it I had no idea what I was going to do so I did what all great leaders do I'll get right on it I [Music] promise oh make it BR now [Music] my new promise to keep my old promises was seen as very unpromising hey Greg hey Greg did you see the school paper we have a school paper Bush wasn't the first president who didn't read the paper what did I lie about apparently you lied about everything the last true thing I said was my name is Chris and I'm running for president I didn't mean any of that stuff chru will stole my speech she's no better than me yeah but he didn't win now you're stuck with all those campaign promises all presidents lie to get elected what do they do distraction they just force the press to cover other more benign issues until the public loses interest in the story maybe we should should ignore the problem till it goes away I was thinking more like saying the cafeteria on fire but we'll try your way [Music] first I'll get it oh hi Uncle Mike huh while I was looking for help my uncle Michael was looking for a free meal big man hey Uncle Mike hey I didn't know y'all was having dinner why would you it's only dinner time my uncle Michael didn't have a job so he was always free to stop by and free to eat some free food I didn't know y'all was having breakfast I didn't know y'all was having lunch I didn't't know y'all was having pancakes we in a pancake house my father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said my uncle said the opposite I like the board I like the Chevy I want to go see Picasso I want to go see mati tastes great let's feel it uh Chris why don't you get your uncle a plate Mama can you teach me how to double dutch you don't know how to double dutch man it's easy if it's so easy why don't you teacher that's a girl gang how you know to Double Dutch anyway I don't know just do so are you going to teach me no yeah so Chris what's up with you well I was Ved e grade class president uhoh Just Like Jesse Jackson Ronald Reagan is the president Jesse Jackson's just a resident you might like Reagan but he don't like you I like my nephew black president way to go yo Uncle Michael had finished dinner but he wasn't finished that was good sh a thanks how's Mama she threw me out threw you out well what happened you know how mama always give you half or something where was a piece of cake in the refrigerator so I ate the whole thing next thing I know she just started tripping talking about you eat up everything you need to get a job and buy your own cake you believe that yes Mama been tripping since Daddy died well where are you staying I was wondering if I could stay here with you a couple days oh well I don't know Michael I got to ask Julius that thank you sis you know I love you translation where am I sleeping the president be impeached who's talking about you getting impeach maybe it's about time to start thinking about that cafeteria [Music] fire my father was tired from work and tired of Uncle Michael where's your uncle Michael oh he's upstairs asleep in my room sounds like a night at the Neverland Ranch you all right yeah I'm just having some problems at school you president what kind of problems could you have I me some campaign promises that I can't deliver so now they wanted impeach me that's what you get what how would you like it if I said I was going to do something for you and didn't do it oh okay so then what should I do I don't know I didn't promise to tell you what to do but you got yourself in this mess whatever happens happens but it's your responsibility my father didn't believe in making promises which was tough for him because they were free back at school it was Crouching Tiger Hidden truth why did you write all this stuff about me and who said I was getting impeached it doesn't say you're getting impeached it's asking will you get impeached well who asked will I get impeached my sources what sources what would you think if Chris got impeached is Chris going to be impeached I think you're a fraud I think you were lying then and I think you're lying now this is totally unfair because you've got a personal axe to grind what axe your boyfriend ping is running with Caruso and he lost you just want revenge ping is not my boyfriend he's not no say what are you doing after school CG sorry I'm going to continue to pursue the truth wherever it leads me now get out of my office fine that was fair and balanced while Lisa was in pursuit of the truth Uncle Michael was in pursuit of a snooze I got my first lesson in ethics and Tanya was getting hers in double Dutch Drew I'm ready for you to teach me how to double dutch Double Dutch is hard I you can't just jump right into it how come cuz double dutch is a serious sport wait what you think this is single Dutch no okay then you can start by stretching can you touch your toes how many times I'll let you know just keep stretching and after this we'll do Tanya got stretched and so did my father's patience why is your brother sleeping on my couch him and mama got into a little fight to just be for a few days you couldn't ask me I was going to I don't want my kids waking up in the morning getting used to seeing a grown man sleeping on the couch don't worry Julius he'll be gone soon how soon Julius he's family okay just be patient big man that couch is kind of rough sh did you make anything to eat come home better make that food to go Michael didn't you eat last night yeah it's afternoon now 86 87 88 89 what you doing jum Jacks why because Drew was going to teach me how to double dutch I doing juming deck he says it's going to build them M doors Drew come come in the house it's time to eat come on hey T tomorrow we're working your footwork I thought you said we were going to work on hand eye corination that's the day after tomorrow come on while Drew gave Tanya to run around uncle Michael just ate and sat around this is good so how you doing Mr President not so good why baby what's wrong well being class president is a little bit harder than I thought got to pay the cost to be the boss no that's right y'all listen to your uncle she didn't say that when he told us to invest our money in parachute pants hey Daddy hey big man sit down and have some of this chicken look good Happ that look means you're lucky I don't have heat vision baby why don't you come over here and sit down I I I'll get your dinner plate so um you've been out all day looking for work nah I've been here all day why is that it's cold out there but it's warm in here um Michael why don't you run out to the store and uh get us some Nest tea but the anent ain't about to come on that's my program I love me some Mr tea I pity the food that's my boy Michael go get the nest tea here you go baby okay now is there anything else I could get for you no I just want to sit in my chair that face means there's nothing worse than sitting on a hot chair worn by a lazy ass mommy made you really good spinach [Music] yum Michael you talk to Mama yet n I'm giving her a chance to calm down you got to leave if Julius finds you here tomorrow I don't know what he's going to do if I go home I don't know what mama going to do you got one more night okay sh hey and stay out of julius's chair back at school I stopped making promises and started making demands I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made to movies are you high I'm asking not judging no I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises just for curiosity's sake what else did you promise a TV in the library more field trips instituting recess and no more detention Chris how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention let me explain something to you Chris the office of class president is titular what ti T Chris it means you don't have any power just a title the first thing I should have done as president was change the meaning of titular well you're saying that even though I'm class president I can't change anything around here exactly well if I don't have any power how can you let them impeach me I mean come on I can't do anything can I at least get french fries at lunch I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type the point is Chris the students run the student government and they can do what they want and I can't can't do anything that's not true maybe you can talk them into letting you stay in office that's a good idea give another one of those speeches but if I can make a suggestion maybe this time you should try rhyming maybe you should try Prozac did you know I didn't have any power what are you talking about you've got no power you're the president I'm a figurehead like mayor MC cheese like Colonel Sanders like Dr Detroit depalo told a guy we were going to put Cherry coolant in the water fountains Paulo well that was another bad idea tell me about it I thought being president would help make us more popular and help solve some problems all it did was cause more problems and make more people hate can hey gotcha you think you could steal my stuff and get away with it well I I didn't take this excuse mind and they Dro it on my table good to the police where are you going come on while he's grabbing me three white kids grabbed everything in his cash register get up get up Heist by class president foiled as impeachment looms this is outrageous how you going to call me a liar you're have a liar I'm not guilty they found the real guys 5 minutes later I had a deadline school was out in an hour and a half you couldn't wait 30 minutes to find out whether your story was true or not you're the class president this is the news we wouldn't have printed it if you hadn't exhibited a pattern of behavior what pattern maybe I was guilty you're supposed to be a journalist you can't in good conscience let this stand without putting a retraction he's going to lose his office I promise I'll print a attraction what are you going to do I don't know what can I do while I was hoping Lisa kept her promise Tanya was showing some promise how much longer Drew I'll tell you and after this you'll do wind Sprints dang Tanya trained harder than rocky my uncle hated to work so much he left a laser stain big man is that my shirt I didn't see that popcorn Julius let me explain I don't want to know I don't want to understand I don't even want to hear it I just want him gone well he has no place to go I don't care him and my mother had a fight you're about to have a f with me what's he doing with my shirt on well he spilled chocolate sauce on his my chocolate sauce well now he spilling my food he's wearing my shirt sitting on my couch eating my popcorn watching my television burning my electricity Julius he's my brother okay how much longer do I have to deal with this not much longer baby because you're so understanding about this I am going to make your favorite cheese grits for breakfast cheese quits uhhuh I love him cheese I know you do baby I promise you he'll be gone by tomorrow okay my dad had heard that before I think it was yesterday extra cheese extra cheese Shar CH Shar sh CH in as much as our own Student Government reflects the reality of our actual government malens on the part of our seated president has brought us to this impeachment hearing all right Kingfish you got the floor okay over the past few days rumors have been circulated about me the Press have put out stories saying that I'm guilty of a lot of things are you done no I didn't do any of those things I'm not a crook nevertheless after talking to Greg I imagine what my father would say to me so you just going to quit huh all these people who made it possible for you to become the first blackass president and now you're just going to quit yeah and what if we quit black people would never have become Pilots if I had quit pancakes would taste like crap if I had quit Cream of Wheat would have been called cream of white if I had quit it would take hours to cook rice Chris I know you don't think being eighth grade class president is a big deal but one day it will be if people tell you enough times that you're wrong sometimes you forget that you're right they could impeach me if they wanted but I wasn't going to stand there and let them call me a liar and a cheat the reason I'm here now is because the newspaper has put out stories saying that I lied and I cheated and I promised you that I would try to change things around here well I tried and it didn't work well at least not yet I still want to be your class president it's just that I need another chance to make things right y'all believed in me before you can keep believing At Me Now fight the power Chris fight the power all right all those in favor of impeaching Chris raise your hand and say I I what all right the eyes have it you're impeached I didn't even get a chance to touch a fat white woman hey how come you're not training because Drew lies me I did everything he asked I ran through tires I did wind Sprints and I still can't double ddge well I'll help you you will yeah you don't even know how to do this just count it out and when I say go go okay ready go I'm doing it I'm doing it thanks [Music] [Applause] Drew big man I see why these cheese grits are your favorite H julus come on man I said I'm sorry man Julius what can I at least get my clothes man you want your clothes I got your clo I got your cloes that's for you my cheese grits I do this WR man I I'mma tell sh about this what you looking at you ain't never been thrown out this is BR man over some grps my father eventually came downstairs to return the sock but he shoved it somewhere that Uncle Michael couldn't reach it I need a ride man getting in Peach taught me a valuable lesson only make promises you can keep from then on I just promised to eat pizza and watch the Nicks game promise your attractions here it is do you see this this is T you in the pr and Bazooka Joe comic strip well we had a good run and we made history yeah I know I was the first class president ever to be impeached I wonder who's going to replace you probably Theo great we're going to have an idiot for president who knew Greg could see into the future see you later hey check this out there's sh Kool-Aid coming out of the water fountain [Music] hat bring your ass up to the stage I'm a knocking head off I swear to God unattracted people are very needy excuse me excuse [Music] me as a kid I wasn't superstitious but everybody in my family was if my mother spilled salt she would always throw some over her shoulder good luck [Music] no that's ni is worth ass Sal Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder no matter what D help me I'm falling I can't get up if you want me to help you you going to have to craw from underneath this ladder first and Tanya believed that if she stepped on a crack she'd break my mother's [Music] back I wasn't superstitious but I did believe in bad [Music] luck Mom I need some socks Julius give Chris a pair of your socks [Music] please are these the only pair of socks you got yeah besides those are my lucky socks I was wearing those socks tonight I Met Your Mother girl he's cute but look at those [Music] socks I didn't think my father's lucky socks would make a difference hey little dude from across the street I just hit the numbers want to hold a dollar yeah thanks that's all you they not only made a difference they made a dollar oh make it f [Music] now I'm believed in good luck I just never believed it could happen to me I'm sorry I forgot my bus pad it's all right man I know you for real thanks on the second bus I got even luckier hi I'm Darlene what's your name I'm Chris that's one of my favorite names that's not even my favorite name I was even getting lucky at school take that Mr Miyagi oh hey Chris you want to smack this kid no I'm okay this kid needs a pair of lucky socks and a gun knock off things were going so good I almost felt white Chris I bought you something it's a copy of roots 4 ca's Revenge it's not even out yet thanks Roots four was good but my favorite was rout six fitler Strikes Back even though we were poor it didn't stop us from asking for Stuff mama can I have pink carpet in my bedroom Pink Carpet what you need pink carpet for well because Billy Ocean has pink carpet in his bedroom along with a baby giraffe a disco ball and three midgets well as soon as you get a hit record you can have any color carpet you want but just because we asked for stuff it didn't mean we'd get it candy yeah oh my world holy Ralph tresmond y so sweet he man what you doing just getting ready for the school talent show oh I'm going to need a suit you going to make some money in that talent show what you need a new suit for so I can pop my collar up while I'm performing you know how much a new suit costs I'm not going to spend money on the suit just so you can break the collar you want to pop something pop open a pen and fill out a job application then you can buy all the suits you want some guys have all the luck and today that guy was me he Chris how was your day baby it was strange it was like one of the greatest days of my life why what happened nothing nobody beat you up nope nobody robs you nope well how was school it was good I got to be on my math quiz starting to think these socks really are lucky okay well Mr lucky socks go wash your hands dinner is ready what are we have my favorite meal was Meatloaf mashed potatoes and peach cobbler meatloaf mashed potatoes and Peach cob [Music] what's wrong with you I asked Mama for Pink Carpet and she said no why'd you ask her you know Dad's the one that SPS you you think he give me Pink Carpet yeah he never says no to you but I asked him for a suit he said no you asked him already yeah you should ask Mama you know she don't like us looking raggedy that was the moment Drew discovered the oldest parent trick in the book when one parent says no just ask the other one you know what I got an idea the next day my socks was still holding up and so was my luck look there's no such thing as lucky socks that's like believing in fourleaf clover shooting stars or Michael Landon well how do you explain all this lucky stuff that's been happening to me it's probability it's just the number of times an event can happen divided by the total number of possible outcomes hi Chris if they were Miracle socks I would have had a shot but they were only lucky socks so I just got a smile I don't care what you say these socks work if OJ Simpson had been wearing these socks he'd be covering football games now okay don't forget to study for your history test on Monday it'll be on people in history who have achieved their goals Against All Odds so you want to study after school I don't need to study I got my lucky socks Drew's plan was simple act like this was the first time they'd act for what they wanted like the nose never happened hey Daddy can I get pink carpet for my room what do you need carpet for because Billy Ocean has pink carpet and you know how much I love Billy Ocean I'll tell you what we'll go look for some pink carpet tomorrow thank you [Music] daddyy one down one to go hey Mom can I get a new suit for the school talent show not unless your talent is wearing a suit but I'm performing Candy Girl by new addition and the whole school is going to be there Drew could do a lot of things but my mother knew singing wasn't one of them oh well that that that's nice baby so can I get a new suit I don't want to look raggedy raggedy oh my baby is not going to look raggedy when I finish this we'll go shopping okay thanks man you're welcome baby sing that night even my dreams were [Music] lucky calm down calm down just get the heck out of me listen I'm just looking for the woods wait you're not going to kill me why would I do that okay you go downstairs make a left go down the corner make another left then there should be a park about them out the way thanks hey by the way you know the date Thursday the 12th thanks later I had one of those dreams where I was falling and Jennifer Beals caught me oh where my lucky socks who took my lucky socks wasn't me those socks was stinking up this whole room I got them things out of here and you lucky you didn't die from the smell hey that was lucky Funk after my mother got rid of my socks I imagined whoever was wearing them was having a lot better luck than [Music] [Music] me we are all out of soup oh you got any whiskey this is your lucky day show glad y'all ran out of [Music] food my husband just died of a heart attack tragic well since he's dead you want to go out to dinner I could eat without my lucky socks I probably should have study for that test but that seemed a lot harder than finding more luck now how much for just a foot what the hell makes you think I'm a leprechaun let me go no oh Louise I'm sorry hey man can I have one of these horseshoes Tanya and Drew thought they had pulled it off then the it hit the fan Tanya why are you moving furniture because Daddy's giving me pink carpet [Applause] [Music] J Drew where'd you get that suit a Pete Suit Warehouse I'mma bought it for me that's $63.74 worth of suit [Music] roelle I told Tanya she couldn't have pink carpet why would you say yes when I said no I didn't know she asked you first but what I want to know is why you spent money on a suit for Drew after I told him no well if you would have asked me I would have told you it was okay wait a minute so when you say something's okay it's okay but when I say something's okay it's not sure what kind of sense does that make it makes perfect sense and besides I'm not going to have my baby on stage looking like he can't sing well I'm not going to have my baby walking around acting like she can't have pink carpet on the floor you know what fine fine fine a't nobody worry about you worry about you either Drew's plan was still working my parents were so busy fighting each other they forgot Tanya and Drew should be the ones in trouble it's too bad they didn't hear the rest of that conversation wait wait wait a minute Julius I think we just been had what are you talking about your kids just played us against each other ain't this a about before you get mad let's think about this for a minute so whenever they ask us for something let's come up with a system what kind of system this was their system Daddy can I have a hopsicle go ask your mother hey Dad can I have a dollar go ask your mother dad can I go to the hospital go ask your mother okay okay that's my baby without my lucky socks I knew any chance of me doing good on that test was history hey man what's the matter I lost your lucky socks Chris those socks aren't lucky if they were lucky I'd still have my hair I would have hit the number and I wouldn't still be wearing a pair of socks I had when I Met Your Mother but I have a lot of big stuff going on in school tomorrow I need those socks Chris you need to make your own luck in this world success comes from opportunity and preparation and being white do you think it was luck when Rocky beat Mr T do you think the Ghostbusters were lucky when they saved New York from the state puffed marshmallow man do you think Godzilla was lucky when he beat G with a three-headed monster I don't know I guess not that's right Chris the only thing lucky about those socks is that I couldn't find a matching pants now go find your own luck you don't need those socks thanks you're welcome talking to my father always made me feel better and maybe he was right maybe it wasn't the socks after all [Music] wrong looks kind of crooked that's better love it that's my girl come here look Tanya next time me or your mother say no we mean no got it yes got it good Meanwhile my mother had another way of getting her point across the next time you ask me to do something after your father told you no I'm going to pop the pores off your face do you understand me yes ma'am as for me I was still as lucky as a three leaf clover hey man I forgot my bus pass again can I just go ahead yeah you you can just go ahead you can just go ahead and Jog alongside the bus go on come on kids on the second bus my luck got worse hi Darlene who are you I'm Chris remember you said you like my name I really don't care who the hell do you think you are just cuz somebody sit down doesn't mean you have to start talking to him do I look like I want to talk and what the hell kind of name is Chris anyway what you need to do is you need to sit down shut up and ride the bus to wherever you got to go back at school I hope everyone is prepared for today's history quiz and Chris I hope you weren't too busy taking care of all of your half brothers and sisters to study what's wrong I didn't study and I lost my lucky socks dude you're toast no no I'm not toast we get a better grade on this quiz but today we're going to do something a little differently instead of a written exam it's going to be an oral exam Chris you're so very well spoken why don't you go first come up here in front of the class I didn't have my lucky socks and now I needed a new pair of Lucky underwear well what do you want me to talk about I want you to talk about people in history who have achieved their goals against all All Odds do you know what goals are Chris yeah I had no idea what to say without my lucky socks and without studying I was in big big trouble um many people think that when you succeed Against All Odds it's by luck well I don't believe in luck at least not anymore me was was it lucky was it lucky when when Rocky beat Mr T no he prepared for it he prepared by beating Apollo Creed so now who pies the fool hey was was it lucky when Indiana Jones saved those kids from the Temple of Doom no he prepared he prepared by saving the world and Raiders of the Lost Ark I mean if you could save the whole world it's not going to be too hard to save a couple of kids was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes no cuz he didn't defeat the planes they shot us behind clear off the Empire State Building now if King Kong has spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing a little white girl around he would be alive to this very day many people believe that you can succeed Against All Odds I don't believe that I believe the odds are that if you don't prepare you won't succeed yes yes yes turns out I didn't need lucky socks all I needed was to listen to my father the Lord had answered my prayers and my mother was praying he would answer hers that was lovely Christina okay our next performer is someone who is very popular here at Dolomite Elementary first there was Sher then there was Madonna sting and Rockwell ladies and gentlemen I bring you drew oh that's my boy that's my baby that's not my baby oh you look good look at that [Music] boy Drew couldn't sing but he lip sink like an angel all I want to say when you're with me running day oh look I know isn't it great thank [Music] God girl you go up there too that's my baby man this kid is incredible even before video who learned the secret to being a good singer is to not sing at all my goodness my Drew you were great you looked great you danced great and your lips sinking oh thank goodness I mean you were really incredible baby you didn't think I was going to sing did you um I can't sing We Know hush Tanya now go on upstairs and take off that suit and hang it up if it's not too smelly hey man how'd it go without the socks today well everything is back to being his bad as usual but I did get a on my history test a that's great I'm proud of you well I did have a pretty good teacher here boy here's your socks I thought you said you got rid of them I just wanted to clean them you going to put them on no I don't think so I don't need him anymore here well I guess I could keep him for just a little while longer you know just in case yeah just in case yeah just in case the circus comes back in town I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life at the mercy of a pair of socks any luck from this point forward I would make them my [Music] own ow everybody hat

Channel: LOL Network

Views: 548,666

Keywords: kevin hart, hartbeat productions, funny, comedy, comedian, plastic cup boyz, actor, stand up, lol, laugh out loud, LOL Network, laugh out loud network, african american

Id: xfSrL3ZU4ag

Length: 82min 22sec (4942 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 14 2023