Everybody Hates Mondays Marathon | Everybody Hates Chris

as a kid I love listening to music I love soul I love rock and even the occasional poker got you got to pay back but my favorite was hip-hop [Music] Revenge rappers are the big stars now but back then it was the DJs DJ Jazzy Jeff actually had top billing over the Fresh Prince while the DJs did all the hard work all the rappers did was say one thing he went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough but was never allowed to rap we have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed aka DJ hilly Hill the first rule of breaking the law if the cops are after you don't stand under a sign with your name on it yo Y where y'all arresting me Jack I pay my bill just like everybody else C me a river no I ain't even have nothing to do with that Alpine and that Cadillac either yo check your out my record son well see you later Jerome yo hold on hold on hold on y'all y'all don't have to leave I know somebody here knows how to DJ I know how to DJ little dude from across the street you tell him you know how to rock the wheels and steal yeah well go ahead then turn the party out hold on everybody hold on let me hold the do he's charging me to help him if you tell him the truth I'll give it back thanks oh say go dude dude dude dude say say listen up I'm doing another party next Saturday you want a DJ it pays $100 $100 yeah cool notice he didn't give me my dollar back oh make it [Music] now Hip Hop was the biggest thing that a hit bed sty since poverty but it took a little longer to get to the white neighborhoods hey Chris where you going in such a hurry oh I need to go bu turntables I got a job offer DJing a party DJ you mean like Wolf Man Jack no like grandmas flash Grand Master Flash isn't he in the Justice League no the Furious 5 those look expensive well they're professional yeah but you're not Greg's future career as a motivational speaker didn't go very well man this is so cool white guys have to learn to play instruments to make records black guys have to play the records but the white man still gets all the money what are you going to call yourself DJ Chrissy Chris isn't Chrissy a girl's name it's a black thing like that badass black dude from thre's company while I was dreaming of being a Cut Creator Drew was dreaming of being a Presta digitat hi I'm Marshall broin most magic tricks are easy Once you know the secret for example have someone take a card like the six of hearts tear it up into small pieces have someone hold one of the pieces place the others Inside the Box close the Box tap it with the magic wand when you open the box the card is back in one piece and the piece they're holding fits perfectly take an ordinary piece of newspaper Marsh is my favorite magician hey M could you take me to the toy store this week what they're having free magic shows with magician the magician that's as lazy as me calling myself comedian the comedian and the first 25 people to get there get a free deck of Marshall bodin's TV Magik carts oh baby I can't take you I got to work but when your father wakes up why don't you ask him maybe he could take you okay now wait a minute Drew I don't want you fooling around with no black magic you hear me I don't want to come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that only good clean white magic you hear me why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic yes ma' magician huh my mother didn't care about magic she just imagined how it could make her look good my boy is a football player he just got a scholarship to rutka my daughter is a doctor she just finished her first open heart surgery and my son is a magician and he just made baty disappear oh you better tell him to bring it back cuz I'm closing at [Music] night Mama Drew made my baret disappear Drew give your sister her baret back all [Music] right damn he is [Music] good she's making sure he didn't take her ears finding a pair of turntables was harder than I thought because as it turns out I wasn't the only DJ who wanted them sorry kid Jam Master J just bought the last pair sorry kid DJ Scott L Rock just bought the last pair well I'm sorry uh we just sold the last P this kid who calls himself Funk Master Flex Funk Master Flex the same thing I said sounds like some kind of workout machine to me yeah but out of shape funky people not going to have any more in for at least another 8 weeks but I need turntable by Saturday let me show you something you got a big party going on or something yeah how about these that's all you got I can only imagine what kind of people would come to that party say hey hey say oh now scream that's not what they mean by old school while I was pursuing hip-hop my my dad was trying to avoid things that went Hipp hop hey Dad do you think you could take me to the magic show this week I got a magic show for you I work two jobs 7 days a week and every day my money disappears how's that for magic but I want to get a set of TV magic cards you going to make some money with this magic if he gets good he could make your broke disappear I don't know but duck Henning does what you going to do with this show everything uh car tricks sawing people in half pulling rabbits out of hats rabbits nobody in my family knew it at the time but my father was only afraid of two things being broke and rabbits it's started in the 70s while everybody else was being scared by The Exorcist my father was scared by another movie Night of the [Music] leapers Run can't your mother take you well she told me to ask you yeah well we'll have to see I may have to work hey maybe next time sorry now I know why he always rooted for Elma fud to kill Bugs Bunny back before people got ripped off by strangers on eBay you got ripped off face to face at the pawn shop you are lucky these are the last two in the city they just came in all right well how much uh 200 for the pair $200 I won't have enough for albums well you could buy $200 worth of records and then spin them on your fingers all right wait a minute this was missing a stylus oh oh I didn't see that okay I'll knock off 20 bucks and I'll throw in the art of the DJ the first and last issue hey kill moves hey a listen how much can I get for this here what is it it's a techniques TW 1 1200 stylist where'd you find that found that outside on the ground must have fell off one of these turntables mhm I'll give you 10 bucks I'll give you 20 25 15 this is your brain on drugs later Chris he later traded that money for two dimes and a shiny nickel so what you going to throw in the stylus 30 bucks 30 bucks you just got for 15 this is America Supply demand [Music] I usually got robbed like this in alleys oh hey baby here's your uniform did Drew ask you to take him to a magic shop yeah um did you know there were going to be rabbits there so so I'm allergic to rabbits since when I don't know this I was a kid I mean so if they going to have rabbits there I can't go can't you take some allergy medicine or some Tussing it's robit tusting not rabbit tusting look Drew doesn't ask you for much all he wants you to do is to take him to a magic show a free magic show this is important to him you should be willing to Wade through a pool of rabbits my father never went near a pool again being a DJ was all about your tools if your tools were professional you were professional and first on the list a pair of technique 1200 check mixer no pair of professional headphones no Kango noo Shelt to Adidas NADA man looks like my hopes and dreams are about to get crushed by the Wheels of Steel I went back to the porn shop with a supply hoping Abe would meet my demands Abe that's a lot of stuff what do you need I need a pair of professional headphones a mixer a Shel to Adidas and a Kango you got all that you're going to need one of these gold chain well it's not real gold but it's a real chain down get up up get down down hey what's all this my DJ stuff where'd you get the money to buy all this stuff oh I saved up DJ huh yeah I even got a job DJing a party Saturday night uhuh what are you doing with my James Brown album can I borrow it I need it for the party why you had the money to buy all this why don't you buy your own well I looked everywhere nobody has it all right Mr DJ you better take care of it cuz you know how I love me my James br ow ow oh now getting now getting funcky ow they don't know no about that what you know about that ow ow jump back I got to kiss myself ow if she was a Jackie Wilson fan she'd be in the emergency room right [Music] now the big told me out took a change said my woman had an all rain for the first time in my life I was going to be a DJ I felt like nothing could stop me unless I put a sign over my [Music] head said my woman had your hands in the air wave him like you just don't care if you love DJ chy Chris everybody say oh yeah oh yeah hey we're looking for DJ Chrissy [Music] Chris [Music] uhoh I hope I can skip town before my mother hears This Record skipping you scratched your mom's copy of the back I was trying to mix it I don't get it it's already a good song why do you need to do anything to it because the DJ needs to rock the party you realize I have no idea what you're talking about right yeah I know so did you tell your mom no I'm just going to buy her a new copy what if she wants to listen to it before then if that happened I would have to keep her entertained the best way I knew [Music] [Applause] how I'm mad to get down with my girlfriend that it right Woll C you want to fight payback is the thing you got to see H never do any damn thing to [Music] me sold me out a chicken chain yes you did told me you did they had all ra to hand me down that's the fank now you PP you got to get ready for a big payback toig that's where I laugh want a big p back while I was looking for The Big Payback Drew was looking for the big magic trick sorry we got here too late to get the free TV magic cards oh it's okay it's still a pretty good show what I want you to do is hold those two balls and I'm going to take the first one in my hand and I want you to squeeze the other one real tight and watch what happens on the count of three 1 2 3 and the ball has completely disappear now if you slowly open your hand you will find two yellow balls [Music] he eventually got in trouble when he did the two ball trick without using props let's have a hand for my lovely helper you can have a seat thank you very much and now for my next trick I'm going to need a volunteer you sir do you mind helping me out hey go D try it [Music] out [Music] I need an advance for what the payback the payback get down here boy why you talking about the payback how' you know about the payback who told you that I'm just talking about the James Brown [Music] album oh you talking about The Big Payback what you think I was talking about never mind anyway man I don't loan money man it ruins relationships I want lo my mother money for a bus ticket never saw her again so you can't do it nope sorry Chris can't do it all right I should have said I needed the money to overthrow the sand denista hey Chris Hey DJ you still DJ and Jerome's party on Saturday yeah okay I'll see you there all right after I became a DJ Not only would I have the money to buy my mother's record but I'd also have girls hey little dude from across the street you remember hilly Hill yeah nice to meet you all right I heard you did a good job at the party after I left he acts like he went out for donuts yeah I'm even doing his next party too oh yeah which one one in this house no no I'm DJing that party look little dude you did a great job but this Saturday I got to let my man hilly Hill DJ but you said I can do it yeah but I thought he was going to be in jail I got out on the technicality translation he killed a God but I bought turntables and everything it almost cost me $200 look if he gets arrested again and he will maybe I'll give you a call sorry little dude here's your do thanks in his mind we're even thanks a lot while I was out of a job my father was out cold what what happened Dad you saw rabbit in p passed out baby I didn't know your allergies were that serious D you're allergic to rabbits how come you didn't say something we could have sat in the back don't people usually get rashes or something I'm not allergic then how come you fell out I fainted I'm scared of rabbits baby why didn't you just tell me what do I look like a grown man scared of rabbits like a grown man scared of rabbits hey I'm sorry about the rabbit I didn't know Hey kid here's a TV magic set oh thanks and here's a set of TV magic carts autographed by Marshall broin oh cool thanks for bringing me dad even when my father was scared out of his wits he was still able to work magic even though I managed to get my turntables unfortunately for me the tables turned in the wrong direction oh DJ career over already yeah so what can you get me for these uh I'll go 40 bucks 40 but I gave you everything I had supply and demand kid when you came in I only had two now I've got six yeah but you can't do any better than that I'll go 30 I'm not kill moves 50 all [Music] right um hey you got the payback album yeah sure last one 10 bucks hey kill move what you got for me what can you get me for this the payback what'd you find that found it outside must have fell out of that jacket I'll give you $10 for it 20 15 50 deal H he said 15 you gave him 50 some things are just not meant to be I thought I wanted to be a DJ but things just spun out of control it cost me over $200 to not be a DJ but at least my mother would never find out that I scratched her James Brown [Music] record everybody everybody everybody everybody hat why don't you go ahead and put us in the room today we're talking about the Notorious BIG these are the isolated vocals from Blue Monday Spears Metallica Prince Nirvana people want to dance people want that Groove wow I love it when R fra says release the wiggle that thing is going everywhere it's an earthquake going to be careful you're going to hear the song completely differently after you listen to the episode I was just thinking that one of the biggest problems I had in school was I got no respect people disrespected me at lunch hey it's my rooll shut up they disrespected me in the hall hey man it's my car shut up they even disrespected me during fire drills oh Chris you go back inside and make sure nothing valuable Burns I tried to make friends I even ran for office I just couldn't get any respect hey shut up up you pick those up what if I don't the only kids in school that got respect from everyone were the hall monitors I'll put you in detention so long your kids will get out of school before you H monitors were the closest thing we had to the police they couldn't arrest you but they could write you up thanks oh and if you're black they could shoot you you need to be in class all right being on the wrong side of a hall monitor was like being on the wrong side of the law nobody messed with those guys guys what you going to do now Cocoa Puff the only thing I could do join the F the prow the hall [Music] monitor make it now [Music] man a hall monitor how'd you get in Jesse Jackson threatened a boycott oh ask Miss Malone she said as long as I kept my grades up it'd be no problem man I've always wanted to be a hall monitor would Greg imagine monitors did and what they actually did were two different things H dog one to Hall dog 2 I have a group of violator sector 1 on my signal go go go go goor down get out the ground go that's what happens to punk shinger after the second belt book him guys we got a runner this is so awesome yeah I know and the best thing is I'm finally going to get some respect watch out it'll be different when you get your arm yeah if I wrap it around a baseball bat when my mother worked she had two jobs her job and complaining about her job you will not believe what this woman did at my job today did she wake anybody up what when I first walked in she had the nerve to smile in my face and then look up at the clock and say O train running late I don't know who she thinks she is but she is not my boss every time my mother got a new job there was always someone she hated at the hospital hpal it was Tammy so Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200 I know how to set a defibrillator I'mma defibrillate her at the fire station it was Betty that damn Betty set the water pressure at 100 lb per square inch when she know I told her to set it at 130 lb per square inch I should have turned the holes on her and at Nasa it was Belinda can you believe that hea I told her to set the ass booster at 25,000 ft per second and she looks at me like I'm crazy now we would have got stuck in the ionosphere she would have been like oh what we going to do now more time and at the office it was charag and then when I got back from lunch she done moved my stapler talking about that's not where it goes I told her I put it there so that's where it goes he didn't hear a word she said come on baby get up you got to get ready for work he's up woman Chris you're job Begins the moment the bell rings I know we're not supposed to keep things orderly if anyone breaks the rule I'm supposed to issue a citation the first citation is considered a warning the second is a detention the third is suspension and most importantly after that second Bell Rings any student out in the hall has to have Hall Pass correct here is your citation book and your armband good luck now what if I give a citation but they don't want to take it issued them a citation but if they didn't take the first citation why would they take the second if you get a citation for not taking a citation that's another citation and that's an automatic suspension but what if you have any more questions pretend I'm still here and I said issue a citation I'd like to issue a citation upside her head Tanya tried playing with me and Drew but we would never cooperate mama what Chris and Drew won't play right this is how we play dolls hey anybody want to play dolls with me sure I know your style B die tracking fist I know your style parler Flying Tiger this is how we played Hopscotch go p yo stop M and this is how we play jump [Music] rope you play too much come on no you're the one messing up I'm not doing nothing shut up shut up stop mom get off me Tanya why don't you invite some friends to come over to play because because you said you ain't want none of those raggedy kids in your house she actually said something much worse than raggedy fine you can have some friends over but keep them out of my room out of my kitchen and out of my way and don't bring that little crazy girl over here thanks ma hey where you going you're not finished yet get back over here so for the first time in her life Tanya had friends a lot of people don't know this but Billy Ocean invented the moonwalk and almost killed it and his real name was Leslie Charles did you know in Africa and Europe they changed lives to African and European Queen and in Puerto Rico they changed it to drama queen oh hey Drew uh what are you watching du of the Iron Fist ooh I like du of the Iron Fist liar you want to watch no that's all right that day my sister learned something I already knew when it came to Drew you could kiss your girlfriend's goodbye it was exciting knowing for the first time I wasn't going to get walked on stepped over a p pushed around I was finally going to get some respect hey you stop running shut up he must not have seen my armband hey no gum chewing in school Shut up hey no rough housing in the Halls shut up you better listen or have to give you a citation all right now it's better oh no no no uhuh no no no no no the lock is that the lock is the lock out no no you can't go to me I'm a mon us now I'm a lock a [Music] monitor C GRE me thanks man what happened to you tried to give these guys a citation and they shove me in the locker I'm not surprise I mean just look at your body language my body language it screams ignore me your shoulders are hunched over you're staring at the ground and you sound like a girl let me have that I don't sound like a girl you hear like a girl and throw like a girl run like a girl and scream like a girl I'm just saying people can hear the fear in your voice if you want to give out citations you have to give them out like you mean it what is that for It's My Thing Cojack had a lollipop and I got this Hey what how many times do I have to tell you no gum chewing in the Halls you never told us no gum chewing I'm telling you now yes yes sir that explains why Greg didn't get a date until he was 20 see well if you're so good at it why don't you become a home hitor who am I kidding study hall is safer want this no I'll get my own while I was learning how to deal with people Tanya was dealing with being alone where are all your friends I told them they couldn't come over why because they like you better than me later on my father had evacuated to avoid hurricane rochell man you will not believe what that wench did today Julius unfortunately for my dad my mother needed to talk Julius and she needed to talk to him Julius she was like a blood hound looking for a prisoner Julius huh what what are you doing in here oh I was making a bed and then I fell asleep liar let me tell you what Shawn man did today so she says to me did you just get your hair done and she said it just just like that and then she passes me the card to her hairdresser and says oh you know girl you should go to him he's real good I mean she got some nerve her hair's so short she can't even roll it with rice I'm telling you she got one more time maybe she thought you'd like her hair address uh-oh are you defending her no um I just thought maybe you took it wrong I took it wrong she asks me if I just got my hair done and then hands me a card to her hairdresser that's like somebody asking you if you just took a shower and then handing you a barall soap I was just trying to help help who the woman has been messing with me since the day I got there now you're telling me I'm taking it wrong oh no she going to take it wrong when I knock over her blackhead calm down calm down why should I calm down oh so I guess you going to take sides with her too next thing I know you going to be passing me a card to a hairdresser why you getting mad at me this woman hands you a card and you trying to start a fight I am not trying to start a fight she's the one trying to start a fight I don't care who's trying to start a fight I'm trying to get some sleep well I am so sorry for trying to have a conversation with my husband I've learned that when dealing with a woman who has a problem the last thing she wants from a man is a solution later I was thinking about Greg and I wondered how my heroes would handle being a hall monitor I thought about how Mr T would handle I pity the fool who doesn't have a hall pass I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it well I know what you're thinking was that the first bow or the second bow well you have to ask yourself one question do you feel lucky or do you punk I even thought about how The Terminator would handle it no citation I'll be black if I was going to get any respect I had to act like I deserved [Music] it [Music] tuck in your shirt that felt good hey do you want to fight so bad fight the power that felt even better run by here again you w't get more than the citation no Shades he's live no snacks hey didn't you see me come down just now yeah so what you're not going to slap my books out of my hand call me Chim Chim and yaff it and Rosco oh I yeah I I got to go to class oh well take this with you what's this for I don't know bang you tell me I wonder if this is how the first black cop felt hey pick that up pick up the citation too she must SN she lost her [Music] mind take off your hat with that citation book in an armband I had the power to run this joint hey you was your hall pass oh hey man you got me worried there for a minute Greg was your hall pass funny man I'm not joking you're runting me up it's my job nice work the citation doesn't seem like a big deal but it kept Greg from getting a job with the [Music] FBI I thought I had just done my job but Greg thought I had done a job on him Greg so what are you doing for lunch tomorrow stay out of the hallways that's what I'm doing listen I was just doing my job I was using the bathroom you could have used your discretion listen I didn't want people to think that I was going to be soft on you just cuz you were my friend she don't have to worry about that anymore half the school thinks you're crazy you're like a dog with citation rabies we're all scared of you was better than when people weren't scared of me even carusel leaving me alone I used to respect you even though you got picked on made fun of and left out at least you knew who you were yeah I was the GID who got picked on made fun of and left out Greg I'm eating lunch by myself Chris can I speak to you for a moment M yeah so Chris I hear our newest Hall Monitor is making a big impression thanks Chris we're friends right yeah no I'm not part of the hall monitor program but as a friend I think you should slow down a bit why you just said I was impressive to me yes but to the rest of the students well they hate you they've always hated me true but they they used to hate you because you were black now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk and because I'm black so what do you mean you Judo flipped Rodney for wearing a hat and I'm just doing my job I know how aggressive the downtrodden can get when they get a little taste of power but Chris you're just a hall monitor calm down while I was thinking about who I had turned into my father was worried about what he was walking into too hey babe you know I don't understand why you just can't listen to me I'm upset and I want to talk about what happened at work I listened to you when you complain about work my father never complained about work no matter what happened one time he ran into a wall how was work honey fine one time he got held up oh how was work honey fine one time he got his head cut off so how was work fine Chris let me get a piece of that bacon [Applause] I was just making a suggestion do you think I stayed married for 14 years because I need suggestions if I needed suggestions I'll get a suggestion box I need for somebody to listen to me I'm telling you if shaag says one more thing to me I'mma strangle her he knows exactly how she feels right now so you just want me to listen to you yes baby I need to know that you're on my side while my dad was trying to see it my mom's way Drew was trying not to be seen upside [Music] upside funny Drew never stayed out of the way when I had girls over later I was trying to learn what re pctt meant to me Dad how do you get respect respect you got to earn it how do I do that by being the type of person that deserves respect but what if I am and people still don't respect me if you were then that wouldn't happen but how am I supposed to earn respect if people don't respect me respect yourself and how am I supposed to do that do you respect me sure but what if you didn't then what would I do break my arm that wouldn't make you respect me Chris that would make you scared of me when you respect people you aren't afraid of them when you're afraid of them you don't respect them I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about since my mother stopped talking my father started listening how was work today that's all she needed to hear you won't believe what happened today what happened well see I was supposed to take my lunch break at 1:00 but then all of a sudden Charmaine decides that she wants to go at 12:30 12:30 mhm she did it on purpose tooo she knew I was hungry and didn't have a break and she knew that mhm and not only did she take it for 1 hour she took it for an hour and 8 minutes an hour and 8 minutes yes I told you she was crazy yeah she crazy going to leave at 12:30 for an hour and 8 minute lunch and you ain't had a break see that's what I'm saying crazy what's wrong with her I don't know little did my mother know somewhere across town this was happening then roelle had the nerve to tell me shamain when it comes to make up less is more that's is more and she had the nerve to answer my phone and you know don't nobody answer my phone but me she answers your phone now my typewriter ribbon is missing I know Rochelle got my ribbon I can't prove it but I know she got it she talked about your makeup answers your phone and stole your type rer ribbon mhm I told you that woman was [Music] crazy Hey Hey listen I just want to say I'm sorry about the whole citation thing guess I just got carried away you no kidding so I'll see you later Chris yeah want to grab a slice for lunch yeah now I know what my father meant I was never afraid of Greg but I sure did respect him what about your hall monitor post quit why either people going to respect me because I'm Chris or they're not so either way I'm still me that's cool so who's going to replace you don't know don't kid here you go what's this WWB walking wild [Music] black freeze [Music] spray you remember to put an extra pair of socks on right yes ma'am today New York City expect a lot of snow and it's coming down fast we've had 6 in reported the last hour in Manhattan and four 4 in in Park Slope like do I have to go to school I mean snowing like crazy it's snow Chris not all I'm getting now hurry up you know the buses are going to be running slow go because my mother wanted us to get the best education possible as long as school was open we had to go no matter what oh baby your temperature is 103 can I stay home from school no just put this ice pack under your head you'll be all right o Bab baby I think you got full poisoning can I stay home from school no drink the sipp CAC you'll be all right while I was on the road Drew anon on the couch okay come on y'all let's go Junior High School in St sarapin Elementary in Bedford sty latest school closings include lynville Elementary Lamont Sanford Junior High and Dolomite Elementary in Brooklyn cold out there goingo our school just closed yeah we can stay home yeah where's Chris he already left the school's not closed well they didn't mention it on the news is he going to be all right I'm sure he'll be fine baby but look I got to go I left your breakfast on the stove wait Drew and Tanya going to be here all day what you got another home to take them to I got to go baby I'm late love meanwhile there were more kids at my house than they were at my school hello is anyone here I wouldn't put it past all the other kids to hide from [Music] me a make it f [Music] now [Music] Whoa man what is wrong with you sneaking up on people Chris what are you doing here school was canceled today since when they announced it about an hour ago I left the house an hour and a half ago well I suppose we should see about getting you home even though principal Edwards had traveled the world he couldn't get me back to Brooklyn I'm sorry Chris I can't let you go why not our phones are out you're not allowed to leave school without the consent of a parent or Guardian she saying the only reason why I can't leave it's cuz I'm here that my friend is a paradox sounds more like sea block why would your mother allow you to go out in weather like this she's crazy she doesn't like us to miss school let's not disappoint her while I was getting snowed in back at home the word was out to repeat city buses are experiencing delays of up to 4 hours due to closings and hazardous conditions now here's a list of the latest school closures corle Jun daddy look Chris school is closed what oh see this is cor junior high school if his school is closed how come he hasn't call maybe he got trapped in the snow drift and had to eat his own mouth to survive that's a thought High School s where you going I'm going to get your brother who's going to stay with that I'll be right back even though the weather was horrible my mother likeed riding the subway being with strangers is a lot less stressful than being with your family this is a stick up shut up a damn oh damn be sorry for the sudden stop if you all remain seated we'll be on our way in a few minutes oh damn wellow well nothing this is still a stickup will you be quiet I was the only one in school but principal Edwards handled things by the book he took attendance Caroline Chris here Chris Eddie we said the Pledge of Allegiance one nation under God indivisible with liberty and justice for all since I was the only one in class he let me say the black Pledge of Allegiance One Nation Under a Groove getting down just for the funk of it one nation we're on the Move nothing can stop us now after lunch we sang aquab Boogie after that we got down to Serious Business all right class first up I'm giving you a quiz on Pearl Harbor what Mr Moro didn't have a quiz planned for today consider it a surprise just like Pearl haror eyes on your own paper my father couldn't leave drw and Tanya home alone because if you pull that Home Alone crap in a black neighborhood they take away your kids can I help you I was looking for Mr Omar oh hey Mr Julius yeah this is my friend Mrs Booker I'm sorry about your husband yeah called a deadly case of botus tragic how did you baby why don't you go and put that record on for me okay yeah what so uh what can I do for you I need to pick Chris up from school and I was wondering if you can keep an eye on youw and Tanya until I get back Mr Omar had another back to keep an eye on yeah can't you get somebody else man I really need your help I mean all you got to do is check on them they'll be easy I promise speaking of easy I don't know man I'll take $10 off the rent I'll be down in a minute thank you any questions anyone yes Chris I'm the only one in the entire city that's in school so why should I have to learn when everybody else is sitting on their couch watching the prices right Chris the true measure of a man is not what he does when he's being watched it's what he does when he is alone technically this isn't a real school day if you haven't noticed I'm not supposed to be here so watch that take classes all right do whatever you want so you're saying that if I get up and walk out of that door you won't do anything to stop me no goodbye as I was storming out the storm outside was picking [Music] up I haven't seen a sea a white like this since the Republican National Convention come on in the bag put it in the bag get to the back come on my mother had lost her money but there was only so much she could take good day to rob a train huh watch your Mount why you done already took my money what else you going to take my seat I might shoot you and you might go to jail you got Six Bullets and nine passengers which leavs three Witnesses and 25 years to life don't shoot her shoot me don't tell me who to shoot what are you trying to get shot shut up will you be quiet sit while my mother was pushing her luck Mr Omar was trying to pull a fast one hey I got peanut butter and jelly fried baloney and mustard Kool-Aid and chips the homeless shelter special anything else I thought you were supposed to be staying with us now I told your father I would check on y'all I'm check on you you okay yeah all right so I'll be back to check on you again Mr Omar can you make me some hot chocolate Okay hot chocolate it is oh Mr Omar uh-huh could you please make me some cheese toast cheese toast and hot chocolate okay great while Mr Omar was stuck babysitting my father was just playing stuff should have bought those snow ties my father was willing to Brave the elements to save his son but to save money he bought the cheapest tires known to [Music] man he's the only blackout in a white [Music] out with too much snow to stay outside I went back inside to find Crouching Tiger Hidden principal principal Edwards I thought you left yeah but I came back Captain Obvious strikes again I'm sorry are you really you did what you wanted to do just didn't work out the way you planned it's not like I didn't want to take my classes I hav't missed day at school all year I work hard just that the one day I can spend it home relaxing I'm stuck here with you so what's the point in doing school work today you know what you're right I am sure you are so what now ninja lessons [Music] I'm sorry about that look here if you going to keep talking about getting shot you need to sit over there somewhere I'm sorry I figur I didn't have much to lose why yesterday was my 61st birthday and nobody in my family called I was headed to the Brooklyn bridge to jump off you were going to jump off a bridge cuz you didn't get a phone call no wonder they didn't call you you're selfish 60 Oney old man going to jump off a bridge cuz he didn't get a phone call I wouldn't call you either it's too much pressure you don't know anything about me I know you too damn old to be jumping off Bridges well it's none of your business anyway wait a minute you're the one standing up talking about don't shoot her shoot me well then why didn't you let him shoot me I'm not going to have people thinking you saved my life you ain't nothing but a big baby Scarface whatever you do don't shoot him no can you shoot me please it's the only way my boss is going to believe this since we' done a little work principal Edwards decided we could have a little [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] fun boy you suck perpetrating the fraud you're around the cold whack keep the C Bo you're the kind of guy that girl I'm driv C you fixing a my name is Jo but my middle name's War went I'm rocking all the mic you should all because we will we got a funny feeling we rock FL up to theing Ming back at home Drew and Tanya were monopolizing all of Mr Omar's time H Boardwalk with a hotel looks like somebody owes me $2,000 dang trash um Mr Omar How come every time we see you with a woman their husband just died well that's because I'm a funeral director baby but when a wies die how come you don't make friends with the husbands uh well men don't need as much attention man if my wife died I'd be crying sitting at home by myself wondering what I'm going to do how to go on I'd be wishing anybody would talk to me well women are sensitive you know in a different kind of way oh I thought the women were like that because they were desperate roll the dice baby this wasn't so bad after all hey you know that's a cool V that's 3 centuries old wow so what are all those markings mean they represent honor they did until Paris Hilton tattooed them on her ass I wanted this for my wife you're married I was we split up a few years ago she took the money and I kept the vase bigest this vase changed my life how's it it taught me one of life's great lessons all that we have been or done is in the past live in the now what I wonder what Eastern philosophy has to say about crazy [Music] glue girl what you crying about all he said was be quiet it's not that I I just broke up with my fiance this ring looks pretty cheap it is cheap so that's why you broke up with him cuz he doesn't have any money no I broke up with him because I want him to get a job job but he thinks he's going to be a movie director at least he ain't out robbing trains and get this he took my credit card to make his last film now how you going to make a movie on a credit card what's Mr movie director's name Sheldon now how you going to be a movie director with a name like Sheldon his friends call him uh Spike oh girl that's worse trust me you could do better than a black man named Spike yeah try and find a a guy with a nice name like like like orinal that's nice she later became the first black girl in history to be glad she wasn't white the snow stopped the traffic but it couldn't stop risky julus Julius risky risky what you doing out here man Chris is stuck at school I got to get him can you help me out oh sorry no room man me and my man the Nook out here trying to make money on these Cross Country Skis you want to P how much you know I didn't mean to break it it's okay it's just a v pause to change my life sometimes I wish I could change my life go places like you get away from the school the neighborhood Gro doesn't work like that as long as you're you there'll always be a Caruso I thought about living in Japan all right G slap in London Cheerio nip Morocco asalam Alum flip so what should I do just because you're you doesn't mean you can't be somebody else that's called schizophrenia well what about you I mean you traveled all around the world why' you come back to be a principal I'm going to tell you a story story that I've never told anyone else not my wife my priest my shrink no one I hope he doesn't say if I did it here's how it happened it All Began in a Pancake House in Minneapolis hey Chris what are you guys doing down there nothing just talking what are you doing here well I called your house and Drew said you were here I couldn't believe it so I had to come and check for myself I think I'll uh step outside and check on the weather see about getting you home Chris yeah all right good uh good talking to you Greg you too principal Edwards Omar can I talk to you a second okay I'll be right back Monopoly wasn't all he was losing how much longer are you going to be down here now the way Drew is playing not much longer he got me for $2,000 I didn't come here to hear you talk about Monopoly Mr Omar it's your turn uh here I come look I told Mr Julius I would watch the kids and that's what I'm going to do I'm sorry you watching the kids I'm going home we take those pumps off with some snow shoes or you ain't going to make it excuse me uh Scarface can I talk to you for a minute my mother never talked to anyone for just a minute now are you sure you want to do this what difference does it make to you but didn't your mother teach you better than to go around robbing people she's the one who taught me how to rob people well if I was your mother I would have knocked the Rob out of you a long time ago listen to her she's a good person hear that I just wish I'd met her before I got my wife's sister pregnant you got your wife's sister pregnant just once all I'm saying is is that you're better than this and at least your son and your nephew ain't the same person thank you [Music] roelle when you get home call my Dad and tell him I'm on the way no problem oh well see you he man see you later the adventure was just ending for me but it was just beginning for my father Chris I'm here Chris I'm here Chris I'm here to take you home Chris most days we were together we couldn't wait to be a part but every now and again it felt really good to be together it's cold out there today that snow is crazy I went all the way to your school what happened to you I was the only one there so as soon as I could leave I left well you're not going to believe what happened to me today I got robbed what what yes this guy kept me on the train for like 5 hours took all my money how much did you have a dollar oh that sounds just like Drew we were playing Monopoly and Drew took all Mr Omar's money Mr Omar was here yeah he watched us after Dall well when did you leave right after you left just not getting back I went to get you I'm in the sowore Mr Omar Omar daddy phone working after spending the whole day inside with principal Edwards I no longer felt like an outsider I had a new friend you're late what a tiny slip but what about yesterday that was in the past we're in the now Chris and now you're late see you in [Music] detention in 1985 crime was on the rise everywhere and when I say everywhere I mean everywhere it was white collar crime s before this committee that you it was blue collar crime it was even C green crime hey come back here with my part lick off in bed one crime was an epidemic chain snatching everybody had a gold chain and somebody was waiting to snatch it nobody was safe not young people hey not old people not even dead people I never had a gold chain because my parents would never let me get one gold chain is a gold chain going to keep the house warm gold chain going to help you graduate is a gold chain going to get rid of my G is a gold chain going to help clean this place the only thing you need with a gold chain is to lock up the gold Gates on your gold house even though I didn't have a gold chain my father was right Vanessa look out what did I do that for boy what's wrong with you I'm sorry I didn't know it was a refh sorry didn't do it you did it now guess what you owe Malo a gold chain good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house a make it f [Music] now Tanya Tanya come on we got to go while I was on the hook for a gold chain Tanya was on the line for the hookup what are you doing we got to go to school Billy Ocean has coming to Radio City Music Hall and a 998th caller wins tickets I face the same odds whenever I call to ask out a girl so what caller are you I don't know I keep getting a busy signal hey your caller 98 that's right baby you are going to see Billy we're going to be late plus you know mama don't like you giving away two tickets a day all this week just be call a 98 if you want to hear Billy Ocean sing live nowadays you can just call up Billy Ocean hey there Mrs roelle hey Mr Omar uh the mailman left this letter for Mr Julius in my mailbox by mistake oh okay thank you uh by the way I was wondering if I could ask you a favor sure you wouldn't happen to have another pair of panty holes I could borrow panty ho borrow I need a new stocking cap for my hair oh okay sure what have these were you about to put these on or did you just take them off they're new Mr Omar oh okay then thanks uh I think he's [Music] disappointed my mother usually wouldn't open up my father's mail unless she wanted to know what was inside attached is your new credit card card holder since 1970 hey babe any mail mhm my mother told me there's two things you don't hide from your wife extra win women and extra money I was so afraid of Malvo I couldn't think straight what are you still doing here just trying to figure something out you remember Malvo Malvo I thought he went to jail oh he got out and this morning he tried to snatch a chain I saw him coming up on my friend but I didn't know it was him don't tell me you warned her I warned her oh man don't you know if you see a crime committ New York City you keep your mouth shut I don't care if you see Ronald Reagan about to gun down the pope you don't tell Greg was a big fan of editorial cartoons it was a reflex so you're sitting here obviously he didn't kill you what' he say what did you do that for then what then I said sorry IED me to his reflex and then he says sorry didn't do it you did and then he put a finger in my chest and says you're going to get Malo a gold chain by tomorrow night and if you don't you said when you least expected I I will be there when you in the shower where's my chain when you watching [Applause] TV where's my chain even in your dreams Chris I just want to let you know I hate everybody else but I love you will you get me a soda yeah where's my chain it's so weird guys in my neighborhood wear gold chains all the time you never hear about one getting snatched that's because it only happened once black on black crime is nothing compared to Italian on Italian crime this may sound crazy but what if you just buy one and give it to them I mean how much do gold chains cost anyway $300 got any more ideas a bus ticket out of town only cost 35 since I couldn't afford to buy a chain I avoided malbo to buy some [Music] [Applause] [Music] time I took every train [Music] I took every [Music] bus no matter how hard I tried to avoid Malvo he always seemed to be [Music] around if I could have I would have taken an underground railroad is you running to the north no I'm running for Malvo Malvo you'd have been better off a slave get on now and remember you ain't seen [Music] nothing to get the truth about my father's credit card my mother went straight to the source her friends credit card yep and you didn't know anything about it nope mhm I know this one woman who called her man lying about his height his height his height his height yeah he had shoe lifts turns out he had a whole other family that's all my mother needed to [Music] [Applause] hear so are you going to ask him about it what would she do that for uh don't you ask him nothing just wait see what he does you got to be ctitious if he is waiting on that credit card give him a couple of days you'll start looking for it Tanya get off the phone and come eat back at home my mother wasn't the only one doing undercover [Music] work boy would you think this is a sticker take off that hat and take off those glasses and act like you sitting at the table and who are you talking to I wasn't talking I was trying to see if I could win tickets to see Billy Ocean I don't know why you keep calling you're not going to win I hope you win cuz I can't afford to buy them no who knows where we would get the money from I know that's right too bad we don't have a credit card I am not getting a credit card so we can buy some concert tickets so you're saying you don't want a credit card that's right I wish I could have told my father what was going on run daddy run she's being ser [Music] tious oh baby well I hope you win those tickets cuz we're sure not going to buy them with a credit card pass C I was so good at sneaking around I thought about joining the CIA hey or maybe the DOA I got a question for you boy what is today uh Wednesday nah today is 2 days after the day before yesterday Malvo was an idiot Savant 98% idiot 2% Savant so the question is where's my chain I don't have the money for a chain and I don't know where to get one they generally frown around nexts well maybe I can get you something else you want nah I want a chain you know why no two reasons a since my most recent parole I'm limiting myself to class A misus and three nobody needs a change so I'm actually doing this people a favor by taking things that they don't Need You could argue with his math but not with his logic I'll get you one oh I know you will or else I'm going to have to commit a Class B misdemeanor on you and you don't want that he's right considering a Class B misdemeanor is fighting look I know you don't want to do it but you got no choice you're going to have to snatch a chain you know what my parents would do to me if they found out I was a chain snatcher so what about Mal though you're just going to go back to him tomorrow and say I don't know where you're getting your chain from but you're not getting it from me I can't do this I don't know anything about chain snatching what's there to know the direction draw on the title you see a chain you snatch it I couldn't help but think if I actually did snatch a chain something would go wrong fre FBI show your hand get on the knees now we got you now your little chain snatcher fres go make sure you got no chains on got it just don't get away don't try to move a jury of your peers has found you guilty of chain snatching I sentenced you to death by electric [Music] chair boy I should beat the links over you you better take them to the chair did the governor call yet n my man but check this out I got to pick my girl up at 12 so if you really don't mind why don't we just go ahead and do this all right [Music] a better him than me feels good to be right for a change when sytian didn't work my mother tried confrontation hello hey babe you must think I'm stupid oh oh yeah Rochelle is just an idiot oh yeah oh yeah she don't know what goes on in this house and I damn sure ain't going to tell her is that what you tell your little Puerto Rican mommy huh and all your little noos do you take them on vacation and buy a 45 Cent worth of this $149 worth of that with your credit card a credit card your credit card oh yeah Be A Man About It Julius it's got your name on it oh oh and you know what else it says Julius it says card holder since 1970 that means that for 15 years you've been hiding this from me so what do you have to say for yourself Julius don't you say another word poy oh you've been hiding a credit card what else do you you hi oh is Julius really your name oh maybe you're the Green River Killer do you know where Jimmy Hopper is buried who shot Kennedy for all I know you can be Batman I am not Batman I'm [Music] Batman I need to know the truth you can't handle the truth Michelle I couldn't tell you about it why not do you know how many times we could have used it that's why I couldn't tell you about it I didn't want another bill baby oh okay Mr responsibility Mr fiscally conservative Dr Jackel and Mr High things from his wife answer this for me since you're so against credit cards why do you have one ask your friends at the beauty [Music] shop why do you keep calling that station Tanya you're not going to win why don't you just quit shut up singy Tanya wasn't just waiting for concert tickets she was waiting for Billy Ocean tickets and she would wait as long as it took dang girl you still trying to get Billy Ocean tickets yeah he's opening for Usher at the Beacon hello hey you're calling number 97 sorry baby you're calling number 98 you playing you playing I'm not going told are you playing man I'm going to see Billy Ocean am I really going to see Billy Ocean come on man don't be playing Dad do you have a minute sure what is it well you know my friend Greg he has a problem I don't know how to help him what kind of problem well there's this guy who wants him to snatch a chain for him snatch a chain that's stealing people work hard for what they have Thief murderer so all the same in my book right which is why he doesn't want to do it but if he doesn't the guy's going to beat him up but if he does he's going to go to jail he's going to get beat up anyway so he can get beat up for breaking the law or beat up for not breaking the law but at least if he doesn't break the law the other guy go to jail and he'll get beat up instead huh so should he snatch the chain or not snatch the chain not snatch the chain why didn't you just say that oh thanks told Greg what you said why didn't Greg ask his own father for help cuz he didn't know what he was going to do well tell him don't do nothing stupid okay Drew didn't know what it felt like to lose but he hated the way it looked on Tanya give me the [Music] phone hey what's your name Tanya Tanya I'm sorry to tell you this baby but uh your caller number 98 you going to see Billy Ocean Drew was so lucky one time a horse tried to take his shoe for good luck meanwhile when my mother was upset with my father she would do everything mad like mad folding lying to me for 15 years hiding a credit card and mad cooking money I spend and mad sleeping find somebody else real Le letting the storm subside wasn't working so my father had to walk into the eye of the hurricane relle I don't want you to be mad at me H should have thought about that 15 years ago why am I always the last to know here I am worried about where you are what you're doing and who you're doing it with you're supposed to be my man you turn out being a man from Uncle I can explain look 15 years ago I was flat broke and needed money that's no different than 15 seconds ago mhm the department store was giving those things away really did they give you tips on where to hide I bought one thing and it took 7 years to pay off what about the other eight years Julius every time I tried to cancel the card they just sent me a new one and raise the limit okay Mr A+ on your fer score what did you buy that was so important that I had to wait 15 years to find out about your wedding ring for the first time in 15 years my father got my mother to shut up I'm sorry I should have told you here's what he really wanted to say in your face you wrong you wrong you wrong and I am right I'm right I'm right I'm right I'm right I'm right I'm right I'm right and out on the street I had finally gotten my nerve up you got my chain no I'm not getting you one either what you think I'm playing with you huh let him go who you supposed to be um Dad it's okay Dad he wasn't surprised that was my father that was just the first father he had ever seen so I'm supposed to be afraid cuz you brought you daddy out here no you supposed to be scared cuz if you ever put your hands on my son again you ain't going to jail I'm going to jail what you going to do you'll find out what I'm going to do you think I'm playing you in a shower I'm going to be [Music] there you think I'm playing when you watching TV I'm going to be there think I'm playing even in your dreams I'm going to be there Mr Malvo you're free to go case dismissed what I tell you dude hey you think I'm playing yeah that's all right it's going to be all right you lucky I don't know my daddy that was a slogan for the bed St Boys Club dad how'd you know was talking about me and not Greg Chris White kids don't snatch chains lucky for me snatching chains was fading out unfortunately it was replaced by a new crime car [Music] jacket Vanessa look out man you owe me a car everybody [Music] hat

Channel: LOL Network

Views: 659,122

Keywords: kevin hart, hartbeat productions, funny, comedy, comedian, plastic cup boyz, actor, stand up, lol, laugh out loud, LOL Network, laugh out loud network, african american

Id: C-JtHE77-Ow

Length: 80min 47sec (4847 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 19 2023